01x07 - The Grass is Always Greener

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ride it, slide it,
ain't no use to hide it ♪

Jeena.
[Bikini snaps]

Hang on a second, man,

I've got to lower the flag.

Think about baseball.

Nope.
Dead puppies.

It's not working!

Okay, this calls
for drastic measures.

[Whispers indistinctly]
what? Oh, oh, "d" list!

Somehow it got even harder.

Hello, my surfing manatee!

Hi, mom!

Okay, that did it.
Let's go in.

Uh, now i'm going
to need a minute, dude.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ready to rinse, ma!

Shutting it down, kiddo!

Towel me!

Incoming!

Tart's up!
Cleared for the hair dryer!

[Plop]
swish. Flushing!

Oh, crap.
[expl*si*n]

Oh, god, no!

Rinsing again.

Have a great day,
my little tickle monster.

Oh, tickle, tickle, tickle!
[Laughs] okay.

Okay, i got to go.

Good morning,
my little tickle monster.

Just drive, dude.

[Laughs]

[Car horn cacophony]
[sighs]

This sucks!

What the hell's
going on today?

My sister's taping

Her stupid sweet 16
reality show for mtv.

Hey, how come you're
never on her show?

I have my reasons.

No rush, kid.

We're on overtime.

[Upbeat rock music plays]

♪ ♪

I'm milan.

My daddy's billionaire
brock stone.

You might know me from
my tween implants,

Or vh1's a hundred reasons
not to have kids.

My hobbies include
staying in shape...

[Retches]

And making things horny.

Join me this week,

As we lead up to the best
super, sweet 16 ever.

Today, i ask you, america,
to help me pick my dream date

For the biggest night of my--
And your--Lives.

Can you believe how excited
people get for this nonsense?

Mondo?

I'm so excited!

[Over p.A.]
Let's give a hand

For playa del toro's
homegrown hottie--

A girl who's got
more plastic in her,

Than me on new dildo day,

Milan stone.

And now, let's meet
our celebrity beefcakes.

John mayer--You know him
from hating his guts.

Ryan cabrera--
From...from--

Yeah, you probably
don't know who he is.

And finally,
multiple gold medalist,

The flying tomato himself,
carrot top.

Text your vote now

To decide which of these
tender morsels of man-Flesh

Will be milan's
sweet 16 date.

[Chime rings]

[Keys tapping]

[Electronic trilling]

[Grunting]

[Sighs]
lonnie?

What are you doing up here?

Stealing bolts.
[Screams]

Man, that kid
is falling fast!

[Screams]

[Cheers and applause]

What the [bleep]
do you think you're doing,

You stupid fat peasant?

Sorry, everybody,
sorry.

You idiot!

The day i take you
to my party,

Is the day i go down
on every guy in the school.

[Keys tapping, chime ringing]

[Cheering]

No!

No!

No!
Teets out.

No mother-Effing way.

I am milan stone--My farts
are other girls' dreams, okay?

I am perfect,
and i deserveperfect.

Oh, perfect is
so last season.

If you don't believe me,
just check perez hilton.

You suits
are compromising my vision.

Well, fine.
If you're not interested,

We've got a girl
in colorado

Who's chomping at the bit
to take an ethnic leper

To her quinceanera.

That whore!

Okay, i'll do it.

Hey, guys,
it's the stupid fat peasant!

Oh, my god.
There he is.

Did you see that, woodie?
I've got a groupie!

I've got heat!
I'm a flash in the pan!

What about jeena?
I think it's time

You finally faced reality,
moonbeam.

She's with turk.

I'm thinking about

Trading this baby in
for a motorboat.

[Imitates cycle engine]
[giggles]

See? That would
have sent old mondo

Into a spiral of hurt
and masturbatory anger.

But new mondo's a reality star,
and doesn't have to bother

With ordinary feelings.

I don't know, man.

I see what this is about.

Are you weirded out
by me dating your sister?

No, i'm cool with it.

Just be a little,
you know, cautious.

Oh, condoms.
Way ahead of you.

That's ketchup.
Oh, right.

Condom pocket,
condiment pocket--

I always get those mixed up.

That would explain
why my hamburger was so rubbery.

Just promise me

You won't get too carried away
with everything.

You kidding me, man?
I'm totally,



Oh, my god!
Is that my helicopter?

♪ I got friends, i got money,
i got cars-♪

Time for my invitation,
b*tches!

First one goes
to my everyman underdog date...

Mondo!

Really?
Of course, silly.

Now everyone can see
that i totally don't care

About looks or money...

Or body odor.

I take a pill for that now.

Ugh!
Hey, wadska.

Can you believe this gross
display of decadence?

Oh! For me?

Oh, whatever shall i wear?
Ah!

"You are required by law

To stay at least


This is a restraining order!

Isn't she creative?

Ugh!

This...is...w*r,
b*tches!

Oh, wow.

This is perfect.
For what?

I want to give it to milan
for her birthday.

When we were kids,
we used to collect shells.

Really?
Milan did that?

Yeah, she was
way into nature.

We were inseparable.

Milan, what did you get?

Hey, woodster,

I found a conch shell.

You want to hear
the magic ocean inside?

Aw, how about a picture?

Thanks, lonnie.

Wow, that's
a really thoughtful gift.

[Cell phone chimes]
uh, i got to go meet milan

At your real house, dude.

Hey, why haven't you ever
taken me up there?

I feel more comfortable
out here.

All the material stuff
gives me the heebie-Jeebies.

You know what i mean?
Mondo?

[Shrieking with glee]

[Doorbell chimes]

Oh, look.

It's the chubby
relatable date

That you guys so awesomely
picked for me.

Oh, come on in.
I'll show you the house.

Look, could you just try
not to embarrass me?

Babe, i would never
embarrass you.

Is that a vag*na?

No, it's a georgia o'keeffe.

Hey, i don't care
whose vag*na it is--

It's as pretty as a rose.

It is a rose.
Exactly.

[Titters]
uh, come on, guys.

Let me show you
the rest of the house.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

This is my 4-D screening room.
[Heroic music]

Ow!

This is
my dog fitness center--

Complete with
shih tzu shiatsu.

[Sighs]
my chandelier is from paris.

My rug is from the orient.

And my sister,
we picked up from africa.

♪ ♪

And here are my awesome parents,
bethenny and brock.

Wow!
You have a dad too?

And over here
is chef ramsay.

[Bleep] off!

Isn't he the best?

He makes all my favorite
after-School snacks

That i eat
and then unswallow.

And that about wraps it.

Thanks for coming
by my house, guys.

Now get out of here,

'Cause we're
totally going to do it.

And cut!

So, uh, i guess we'll
totally do it later?

Ready to hit the waves,
man?

Oh, okay.

But woodford,
your friend hasn't seen

The rest of the house yet.

You know how i like to show off
my obscene wealth.

I'm sure he'd rather
be out on the surf.

Right, mondo?
Yeah, i-I guess.

But all of the bathrooms

In the eastern wing
have bidets.

And all the bidets
have remote controls.

Come on, mondo.
The waves--Nature's bidet.

I'll go surfing tomorrow.
I promise.

Wow.

I'll give you
some time alone.

Whoo!
[Laughs]

Huh? Oh!

Mmm.
[Blubbers]

Ooh.
No rush kid.

We're on overtime.

You getting this, boys?

Oh, mondo, honey,

You scared me half to death.

What's with the hair?
It's the "bieber".

Oh, thank god.

I thought you were
some kind of lesbian intruder.

No, ma,
i got a makeover.

I'm taking
the richest girl in town

To the biggest party
of the year. Look!

[Static, banging]
mondo, settle down.

I was a little late
paying the bill.

I'm sorry.
Here, have some din-Din.

Great,
another sent-Back special.

What? It's barely
been touched.

And the customer
had a very cleanmouth.

What happened to my door?

Oh, it fell off the hinges,

So i hung up a beaded curtain.

Pretty groovy, huh?

I'll get it fixed
after payday.

And when is that exactly?

Excuse me?
Come on, kiddo.

You know i bust my tail
to get us everything we need.

Give me a break, ma.
Our house is falling apart,

And all we eat are leftovers
that other people left over.

I never realized
how much it sucks being poor.

Poor?
You don't know poor.

You've got a roof
over your head,

A block from the beach.

You've got a video game for
your "play-Box" and "wee-Wee."

And you're not exactly
wasting away over there.

What's gotten into you?

Expensive water
sh*t from an expensive toilet!

That's what's gotten into me!
[Beads jingle]

These things are really hard
to slam!

Mondo, you forgot
your lunch!

[Tires squeal]

Too late,
you just missed his limo.

[Sighs]
woodie, you like leftovers?

Thanks, babs.

Something wrong, honey?

I think mondo's
getting caught up

In this money stuff.

I'm not sure
whether to warn him

Or just let him
figure it out himself.

As his mom,
i go through that every day.

You know,
you'd make a great dad, woodie.

[Internal] is she trying
to tell me something?

She thinks i'd make
a great dad to mondo,

Ergoshe thinks i would be
a great husband to her?

I think she just proposed.

I do. Babs?

[Hip-Hop music plays]
wow, mondo.

You look like a jewel thief.
Isn't it great?

You're going
to my party, right?

Oh, milan's? Yeah.
I wouldn't miss it.

How's it going with you two?

Oh, great.
We have a classic banter,

Like pattinson and stewart.

There'smy better half.

Yeah, the day i'm half of you,
i'll k*ll myself.

[Hysterical laugh]
zing, darling. Zing!

Undeniable chemistry.

Mondo, please don't
take this the wrong way,

But i think
you deserve better.

You got to cut back
on the fro-Yo, babe.

You're going to blow my shocks.
[Laughs]

Maybe you
deserve better too.

Psst! Psst!

The salamander is late
to his own execution.

Huh?

The cornish hen
is expecting guests.

What?

Ugh! How much clearer
do i have to make this?

Together we will sabotage
milan's party,

And topple
her fashionista regime!

[Maniacal laughter]

Oh, it feels so good
having a man on the inside.

Wadska, i have no idea
what you're talking about.

Oh, i see.
You can't talk right now.

[Gasps]
they're listening, aren't they?

Hit me!
Make it look real.

No time!

Dude, there you are.

It's my big night.

How do i look?
Like a million bucks.

Are you mad at me?

We haven't hung out
all week.

Don't you think you've been
acting a little strange?

I'vebeen acting strange?
Oh!

You've got
this amazing family,

All the stuff
you could ever want,

And you're living out here
in a doghouse.

Come on, i want
to show you something.

Whoa, this is your room?

No, this is a shrine

To a kid that my parents
wanted me to be.

It says here,
you took home the bronze metal

For bobsledding
in 2006.

Those are from ebay.

Hmm. I wonder
how much they paid

For this lame pokemon tournament
participant ribbon.

No, that's mine.

Come look at this photo.
This was the only time

All of us were together
on the whole trip.

My dad paid tara reid $50,000
to take this picture.

At least i think
that's what he paid her for.

Awesome.
You're missing the point.

Here. This one's from before
my dad made his millions.

Money changed my family.

And i don't want to see it
change you too.

I haven't changed.

I just have a new haircut...
and a hat.

A new haircut and a hat--
That's it.

And a blazer.
The haircut,

The hat and the blazer.
And that's it.

[Cell phone rings]
and a publicist.

The haircut, the hat,
the blazer and the publicist.

That's it.

I'll totes be downsies
in 5-0. Thanks, darling.

And a new way of talking.

Okay, so there's the haircut,

The hat, the blazer,

The publicist,
and a new way of talking.

That's it, woodie.
Don't you think milan

Might just be...
using you for the show?

Whoa. What?
Using me?

Milan doesn't even
know your name.

I heard her call you megatron.

Yeah? So?

That's her pet name for me.

Get your fat ass down here...
what's-Your-Name!

And there's another one.

She gives me a lot
of pet names.

[Cheering]

♪ Everybody just have
a good time ♪

[Techno music plays]

[Cheering]
[grunts]

Falcon, come in, falcon.

Perimeter is breached.

Eagle out!
Roger that, eagle.

Falcon out.

Milan, look over here!
No, over here!

Hey turk, do you want
to take a picture together?

Better yet,
let's sh**t a video--

"One night in va-Jeena."

[Groans]

Cut!

Oh, hey, gisele!

Girl, you have got to tell me

What tom brady's
penis looks like.

[Growls]

Hey, woodie!

Isn't that your sister's party?

Yeah, not my scene.

I didn't know
you worked on saturdays?

Yeah, i picked up
some extra shifts.

Prince mondo wants a door.

Times are tough, you know?

We don't--
We don't have much.

Are you kidding?
You and mondo have it great.

You guys can talk
about anything,

And you just let him be
who he is.

He's lucky to have
a mom like you.

Oh, woodie,
you're a sweetheart.

Hey, you know, mondo and i
usually have movie night

On saturdays,
and i just paid my cable bill.

You want to come over
and see what's on the boob tube?

[Internal]
"boob tube"?

She could have just said "tv."

It's really happening!

Oh, hey, wadska.

Ah!
Have you seen woodie?

No real names!

I will meet you
at the rendezvouspoint

In ten strokes.

Uh, woodie?
Balls!

Sorry!
I was just looking for woodie.

No problem, mondo.
I was just helping pilar

Find her contact lens.

It was in my p--

[Fabric rips]

Oh, hi, mrs. Stone.

Have you seen woodie?

Well, i can't say
that i have.

Say, could you be a dear
and hand me that cup over there?

Sure. Doing some baking?

Nope.

[Violent sniff]

You want to see what's on?
I'm going to go

Slip into something
more comfortable.

[Internal] oh, man.
In the movies,

That always means
sex clothing.

This is your chance,
wood man.

You're going to make it
with babs--

Your best friend's mom.

Oh man, why does babs
have to be mondo's mom?

Anything good on?
I don't think

I can go through with this!

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I-I think about you
intensely twice,

Maybe three times
a day.

I mean, sometimes
you're jumbled up

With megan fox
or katy perry,

But you are definitely
always in the mix.

Woodie, i think you have
the wrong idea.

And i don't think
it'd be very cool to him

If we, you know--
All right, woodie.

I'll try to restrain myself.

You're a good friend to mondo.

Now let's channel some
of that extra energy

Into making some popcorn.

Whew!

This one's from
my african sister boomie.

"A generous donation
has been made on your behalf

To the save darfur
foundation."

Ah, bitch!
This is my party!

Why are other people
getting presents?

Next one's from us,
moneyface.

[Car horn toots]
oh, my [bleep]ing god!

Oh, you're welcome.

It's navyblue,
not midnight blue!

God, don't you ever listen?

Uh, here milan.
Open this one.

It's from woodie.

Ew, what, did he find this
on the ground?

What'd you do that for?

Woodie put a lot of thought
into that.

You people are so fixated
on money

That you've forgotten
woodie even exists.

That's not true!

Tell him, woodie.

Speak up, son.

That's a mop!

Stand up straight, dear.

Okay, that's enough.

You're embarrassing me.

Me embarrass you?

[Microphone feedback]

I've got the coolest friend
in the world,

And he's your brother
and your son,

And none of us
even appreciate him.

Sure all this wealth
can be seductive.

I got seduced too.

Did i like getting attention
from a girl? Yes.

And did i like being showered
with gifts

A poor kid could never afford?
Yes.

And did i like that one day
when milan wore the tube dress

And had that nip slip?
A thousand times, yes.

But i think we all need to focus
on what's really important.

[Walkie-Talkies beep]
uh...

So in short,
you're a total bitch

And i'm breaking up with you
on national television,

But i hope you learn
from your mistakes

And become a better person.

Happy birthday.

And honey, the name is mondo.
[Cheering]

Mondo, that was badass.

Come on.
I know a way out.

[Tires screech]
hop in.

You guys
better get out of here.

Ten, nine,

Eight...
jeena, you know

How we were talking before

About how i deserved
somebody better,

And you deserved
somebody better?

Uh-Huh.

Well, now that i'm
single again,

Maybe it's time
for you and i--

One.
Super sweet sabotage!

We'll just talk
on monday!

[Explosions]
[screams]

[Horse neighs]

[Horse whinnies]
piss off, horse!

[All gasp]

[Laughter]

No rush, kid.
We're on overtime.

[Smash, fizzle]

Precious, you a dummy!

Don't nobody want you,
don't nobody need you.

Man, martin lawrence
is notfunny in this.

[Tires squeal]
mondo!

Oh, mom! I am so happy
to see you.

I'm so sorry
i was such a douche.

Oh, you're the best mom
in the world.

And woodie, man, you were right
about your sister,

And about me forgetting
who i am,

And about everything.

So, what do you say?

Can you guys forgive me?

Of course, bro.
I don't know.

I should probably ask...
the tickle monster!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

[Wet squish]
oops!

Uh-Oh.
Popped a mayo packet.

Woodie, you have
a condiment pocket too?

Board shorts, no pockets.
Got to go!

[Groovy music]