I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
[Applause]
just see me do the strike
[Music]
[Music]
I gotta go
[Music]
I'm pretty new at this why don't you
boys just talk about yourselves and do
what you think is right I don't claim to
be much of a philosopher but two
questions have always bothered me one
does God exist or did man invent him to
help us deal with a meaninglessness of
life
and two where can you get a good corn
beef sandwich in this town we offer you
love and forgiveness for your many sins
and transgressions oh please
so Dave deep into your hearts and your
savings accounts underneath the cushions
of your soul and eternal salvation can
be yours hey careful I almost felt that
how can a man with so little muscle tone
have titanium toe nails you did that on
purpose I could have lost an eye sorry I
was aiming for your mouth
ouch one of those little bastards cut me
now I've gotta get a tetanus sh*t so as
a new job great just great they even
gave me a nickname all day long it was
god damn imbecile do you really know how
to make a guy for you welcome it seems
everywhere I turn large sums of money
were being donated by desperate people
hoping to buy their way into heaven let
me tell you real estate up there in Chi
[Music]
think this is heavy try walking a mile
with a wooden cross on your back
Redemption salvation tax-free money
market funds
it was then I saw the light and asked
myself how can I get a piece of this
holy pie
one little chicky never gets to hatch
into the pan with a little hey what are
the Dunst speed it up already we're
starving the culinary arts must not be
rushed the integrity of the dish is at
stake none for me I'm not hungry but I
made this omelet especially for you
a masterpiece of egg and cheese existing
in perfect unison I don't believe it no
it can't be what something crawling in
it it's not bad enough I found one of
Riley's toenails and the hash browns
it's her in all her blessed glory the
Virgin Mary are you sure
where is it it's a sign it's a message
from above it's one of your stupid
schemes imagine worshipers from
everywhere coming to see the sacred egg
portrait of the Holy Mother bringing
their credit cards in holy checkbooks
hey men bow your heads in worship to the
miracle omelet crayons I can't see you
[Music]
alright quit shopping there's plenty of
miracles for everyone
ladies welcome to my humble shrine
ladies
[Applause]
[Music]
okay people times up we mustn't tire the
omelet house shall we give thanks kindly
place your donations in the holy copper
and rejoice step right up folks
miracle omelets don't grow on trees
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[Music]
we have a problem on our hands
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it looks like we robbed an arcade it's
barely enough change for the laundry ooh
I bet I could fill in some gaps in my
rare coin collection oh you mean those
coins locked up in your bedside table
yes why well I am I needed some change
for the condom machine oh now now blazer
don't upset the miracle maker he's got a
lot of important work to do I do we need
more of those omits that but that was
the miracle how can i duplicate
perfection perhaps the miracle may not
need omelet but in the hooks of he who
created the omelet Oh could it be you
must keep cooking we'll need a hundred
of them by morning and go easy on the
cheese
[Music]
have you ever been convicted of a felony
no no
well that stolen car thing was a
misunderstanding and that shoplifting
charge I was gonna bring it back of
course there was that time at this strip
club I'm just gonna type in no dumb I'll
print up a copy what kind of trouble are
you getting into I've been embraced by
the spirit Frannie I'm dedicating my
life to doing the Lord's work uh-huh go
on be not so cynical
I heard the calling and I picked up on
the first ring open my heart and
accepted salvation if it's true that's
wonderful finally focusing your efforts
on a worthy cause
channeling your energy toward a
celestial journey that's me I'm just
about to get to work on my first sermon
sermon don't you have to be a minister
you had yourself ordained over the
Internet
thirty-five dollars later I am the very
Reverend Riley O'Reilly huh I've never
been with a holy man before I really did
feel a calling to all her signs were
calling to my wallet and my lap was
calling to Frannie can I get a
hallelujah
[Music]
they say the Lord works in mysterious
ways and I guess it's true how else can
you explain Wars and famine and rap
music when it comes to religious
questions I figured I was as qualified
as anyone to answer them
he's quite a musician he's had a lot of
practice handling organs hello my
friends my name is Riley and I am a
sinner only yesterday my life was in
disarray I was a bum an air do well a
sheep in search of a Shepherd a lamb in
search of mint jelly I fell off the path
to righteousness in the Catholic school
[Music]
and the nuns made me feel like garbage
by making me stand in it the downward
spiral continued into my adult years
goodnight Riley my life was worthless
without meaning or value but then the
power of the omelet turned my world
around and I became a messenger for the
Lord join me
can share these teachings from the
scriptures on the first day the Lord
said let there be light and there was
light
on the second day he received the
electric bill and he did Cringer then
God handed the ten condiments down to
Moses and said that a visit would be
paid unto him by the ghost of Christmas
past and if he should see his shadow
there shall be six more weeks of winter
you are so generous and he descended
from Mount Rushmore to a burning bush
where he cooked loaves and fishes for
the multitude because there was no
takeout in that area and it was good a
man here all week be sure to stop by the
gift shop on your way up and always
remember to spay and neuter your pets
and he does welcome you into his fold
unless you stray far then he will rain
pestilence on your house
excuse me but when do we get to see the
omelet
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
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my prized azaleas and look at them now
you march right over to that asylum for
the criminally d*sfigured and make those
giimpse pay absolutely right after I
finish
[Music]
baby Jesus and John the Baptist lunch
box for maker and said Charlie they go
Thanks
I'll go with the business brother Griz
the replica Omniture flowin out the door
and the holy hotcakes are selling like
hotcakes I need a half dozen chocolate
crucifixes and a case of the Chardonnay
holy wine
[Music]
one little cheeky Oh what's the rest I
can't remember one little chickie there
he is the magic chef with a gift in his
hooks can't go on I need to lie down no
no no one said doing God's work would be
easy was it easy for the disciples John
Paul Ringo
George brother lefty you must continue
your work so his lighteth may shine if
[Applause]
little chicky listen Oh Riley my lawn
isn't your parking lot and if you don't
use me can you tell me where I can park
around here I'll take care of that for
you my little beau face my lawn is right
next door you can park on my face
azaleas
[Music]
put the ruler away religious fraud is a
blasphemy on the products of his church
and I'm here to wake her Botox King the
Lord has eyes everywhere he's watching
you every second of the day
[Music]
[Applause]
excuse me sister would you care to make
a donation to the Church of Riley who
goes there just making another drop off
you shorts I feel this plays a locked up
tighter than Riley's behind I'm the only
one with the key
[Music]
forgive me for I have sinned go ahead my
son yeah I am accidentally smashed my
brother in the head with a croquet
mallet while he was asleep I see I was
hoping for something a little juicier
and now every time the phone rings he
gets a nosebleed say two Hail Marys and
call me in the morning
oh and double no triple your donation on
the way out you know what I don't like
about people giving us their small
change please enlighten me Reverend
O'Reilly it's that it's small change
we've got to get them to dig a little
deeper just how much is a man's soul
worth oh oh I do believe you're going to
find out yes it's all getting clearer
how much do you know about faith healing
[Music]
you ready to do the Lord's work brother
Fontaine you're sure that's what he was
he always seemed to be an aboveboard
gotta do til you started working for him
he wants us to raise money any way we
can to help the orphans think of the
organs oh we do it for you
oh you can't deal with a vast world in a
half vast manner you have to look the
part that's John 3:16 and voila it's
only perfect and now I must tend to my
flock
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
greetings friends tonight I'd like to
share with you the most remarkable event
in my life last night an angel came unto
me Riley he or she said it's tough to
tell with angels you have been blessed
with the gift from above the power to
heal while I myself remain in this chair
my withered limbs a symbol of my
degenerate past
I shall heal the sick of e'en firm and
the feeble-minded
and what is your affliction my dusky
child I'm blind as blank and B my world
is blacker than a damn cup of colonial
coffee nothing but damned darkness my
whole damned dark eyes do you believe in
the power of healing I do believe take
me now you who are blind shall now see I
command it
[Music]
[Applause]
see I can see color this beautiful
the Lord has picked my bogan eyes
[Applause]
we're going to need some extra call on
the help files with this one
yes good sir how can I help you I lost
my body in a tragic knitting accident
get up on the table my son by the power
vested in me I pronounce you able to
walk
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
investigators infallible by association
take us to the ungodly wanted nice work
everybody
Fontaine at the six o'clock show I'd
like you to drop to your knees and
praise me after your sight is restored
got it anything for the kids excuse me
I'm gonna work on my lines I can see I
can see I can see didn't I tell you this
money is going to the orphans and by
orphans I mean anyone who doesn't live
with their parents for example you and
me see the donations are really coming
in after that performance this afternoon
why does this old heart good you know
it's going to a good cause yes your
funds come on Lefty hang in there we've
got to keep up with the demand the
healings are really boosting sales I'll
go easy on him the poor guys falling to
pieces little chickie never gets to
hatch and you made up the omelet I
suppose you use a little pale lefty take
a two-minute break the rest of you let's
restock the gift shop then uh-oh
thumping Wicked This Way Comes we know
you're working from Satan's cookbook
well no she brought the pope's henchman
with her we have to get rid of the
evidence every one of these almonds
[Music]
we're gonna get rid of that one guys
sorry
you're the Saviour fine
[Applause]
hails above and his helpers have made
their tools of deception
[Music]
it's not just creation is here somewhere
I saw it myself
no just the butch award outside if you
please it was here the Devils in this
house I swear that was too close
maybe we should let things cool down a
bit and spend some of our gotten gains
what do you say Devil's spawn clearing
out the cache
I thought she had us by the short and
curlies you should have heard their
smiling faces Riley it makes a man feel
all peed and good who's smiling faces
feel good the orphans and it was such a
sizable donation what the hell they
gonna build themselves a chapel and
dedicate it to you hidden that night for
the first time I was actually having a
genuine spiritual experience
[Music]
Oh feels better
wait I don't believe it this yet look
it's her face the Holy Mother No
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you