I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar I used to hit the bottle
but then I hit a
[Applause]
to us
to see me guna strike my
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from the store
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I guess everybody would benefit from
talking to a therapist from time to time
but let's face it some therapists just
deserve to be sh*t through the heart
with a crossbow we're just as peachy as
peach pie miss golden wait I just
remembered I lost my body and my life
sucks I'm glue by my hemorrhoids to this
chair for life
bite me miss up with giimpse do these
look like the hands of a masseuse ah
don't be so down boys ah
Bliley you hear me belly agent it's
wonderful to hear those cheery attitudes
you may have lost your limbs but not
your spunk no my g*dd*mn belly aches not
friends for life you and your colostomy
bag again I failed to demonstrate just
how much the inadequately body can
achieve if they put their ruptured
little minds to it
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eyes forward those who have them behold
the winning athletes of the dismembered
games dismembered athletes can't they
accept that they're freaks like us
perhaps the greatest of them all is the
Grand Champion Nostradamus
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that nose would give his right nostril
for a head like yours blazer even when
the nose runs he still blows here's an
information kit and I want you all to
read it oh yeah can't wait to dig into
that ya dream sweet cheeks
remember your attendance here is
mandatory and I can cut off your
disability benefits before you can say
sometimes she makes perfect sense don't
get me wrong I've always loved sports
I've been swimming since I was a baby I
could tread water before I could walk
thanks to sister Bullock
[Applause]
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actually she also inspired me to learn
to run hide and fear my own shadow good
thing she didn't screw you up
those games are all a hoax they're all
about greed cheating dr*gs granted they
have their good side but there's still a
crocodiie key and the obscene amounts of
money involved just how obscene are we
talking a little smutty or really vulgar
and disgusting when athletes win medals
they can endorse everything from soft
drinks to tampons ha ha look at
Nostradamus Hawking these shoes it's
shameful and that's just the tip of the
corrupt iceberg corrupt obscene shameful
I was starting to see how uplifting
these games could be suddenly I was
feeling like a big athletic supporter
what to do what we're gonna stage your
own disabled games right here at Mei
Manor we'll call them the [ __ ] games
who's with me
yeah it sounds like work count me out
big endorsement contracts when I win
we'll make a fortune the fortune part I
like the you winning part that makes me
giddy like a schoolgirl I'd be happy to
act as your trainer Riley you've already
trained him to poop in a bag what else
you got up your sleeve does it for
thought Baz Luhrmann a whole regimen
whoa whoa back up I think you
misunderstand I want to go with my real
strength cheating we rigged the events
so I will now you're talking sense for a
minute there I thought you'd gone legit
if you guys help there's no way I can
lose I don't know Riley this sounds a
tad unethical don't think of it as
unethical think of it as dishonest we
also get sponsors to pay for the
facilities cut a few corners and pocket
the difference
Baiju he's got it we'll have money
flowing from every orifice okay let's do
it
sign me up you to do Riley I do believe
I'm beginning to catch the [ __ ] game a
fever
there were so many details to work out
ticket sales permits event coordination
uh I had to clear my head
luckily Frannie has a lingerie drawer
full of distractions I'm so proud of you
organizing these games if I can be an
inspiration to just one little toddler
[ __ ] out there you'll be an example for
every limbless leaper in the world oh
you know me always thinking of others
sacrifice sacrifice Frannie I think
you're forgetting something
I just realized since you're in training
we can't make love until the games are
over what sex can rub athletes of their
strength
so no phrenic cake before the
competition you have to conserve your
energy can I concern some of it in you
maybe I'll be a cheerleader oh go gifts
Go Go gifts go apparently this was the
first event money versus nookie the
wheels were in motion the [ __ ] games
would soon be a reality now to dig up
some financing and when you got to
squeeze funds out of the tight asses of
the corporate world you're calling the
big weasels Lindo yours we need Riley's
face on as much official merchandise as
possible
I want trademarks from my ass to my
elbow I'm a logo pin cushion consider it
done if I can't convince them that your
face belongs on a year in bag I'll quit
the law game before I reach puberty
Arai construction crew has arrived
Oh wherever did you get all this
equipment
it's from Fontaine's new job he borrowed
it for the weekend
this is where arms and legs would come
in handy
[Applause]
you know a little rubbing compound those
scratches will come right out
I'm nice massage and you'll be looser
the goose with cheerleading Freddie oh I
haven't been this limber in years
ready
[Applause]
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money no key money no key money
meanwhile things were progressing
beautifully we had everything we needed
what we didn't have
well we improvised this is worse than
lying m*rder or premarital sex thou
shalt not steal the Lord's pews someone
will pay with their godless life for
this
oh nice work you guys I had no idea you
were this good hey half dude I've nailed
down our first sponsor oh who is it a
car manufacturer a big computer company
sapis pizza that dumped downtown I
thought they'll Sport closed it they did
that's how I got him to donate this pie
it's a large we were hoping for
something a bit higher profile we can
build on this he was this close to
throwing in a calzone okay we were off
to a slow start but once the medals were
around my neck the sponsors would be
b*ating a path to our door but first it
was time for the most cheesy part of any
major competition the opening ceremonies
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Ricky was supposed to get us a big-name
singer but with our budget oh he got us
was a big pain in the ass there's hardly
anybody here how can we make money this
way relax when I start winning you can
start spending
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maybe death
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first and you I'm a lean mean wheelchair
machine Oh God
Franny
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pollenate girlfriend
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O'Reilly oh my god
are you alright yeah luckily my erection
broke my fall
ah don't worry I've pried things bigger
than you out of tighter spots of course
not on the first date
tell me you wore gloves I hate anything
involving a crowbar in my flesh oh my
god are you okay Rowley oh my god
I can't feel my legs or my arms for that
matter disabled dudes good news I've got
another sponsor the morgue it's a gift
bag from prosthetics or us I figured you
guys could always use some extra limbs
they're seconds Ricky we're up to our
ass in useless limbs we need money
you know the green stuff that you buy
things with no problemo as soon as you
get the gold I can get the green one
problemo I don't have a wheelchair gel
plumber can you crawl with your nose or
something just lovely Spaulding for this
I pay you actually you don't pay me your
month behind what are we going to do you
can't compete in that your mutants are
gonna be sorry you were ever hatched to
flounder however the hell you got here
yeah
[Applause]
nice wheels boss blazer we've had a
slight change of plans you're gonna have
to take my place out there my wheelchair
is broken all the hard work we've done
will be for nothing you've got to
compete for us why should I
because I'm asking you for a favor why
else money power groupies you should
have opened with that okay
I'm podium bound let's kick some nose
[Music]
all you man good [ __ ]
one by one Blazers competition was
terminated eliminated until there was
just one event left the game path on an
obstacle course designed by us for us
with my boy standing by to guarantee
victory
so blaze ready for the big event crowbar
handy in case you have to b*at him into
the ground
dude I just talked to the crap hauler
wheelbarrow people they want you as
their spokesman
the theme is gold medalist Riley
O'Reilly
he puts the crap in crap hauler what did
I tell you boys I knew if we were
sneaking this honest long enough and it
pay off but first you have to win the
game Pathan dude in that wheelbarrow
whoo not exactly plan a but we've come
this far we can do it blazer just watch
my back and we can break that nose ah no
can do
I'm won in this puppy blazer come back
to the mothership remember our plan to
cash in on the endorsements let's cash I
don't care about the money
huh how dare you talk like that about
money I've never won anything in my life
this race belongs to me okay Spaulding
we got no choice let's rock and roll oh
my bag it's locked
you big Aussie worse you spent so much
time getting Frannie in shape you got
soft see what you get for helping people
it's all set the nose goes in the bag
the bag goes in the river nobody knows
what happened to the nose forget the
nose you got to stop blazer double-cross
blazer
they'd have my boys for castanets no
tanks I barely want blazer as a friend I
suddenly don't want him as an enemy
sorry Riley you're on your own you guys
want me to run a fair race that is so
unsportsmanlike
on your mark get set Fontaine you gotta
push me you be my legs I'll be your eyes
yeah black and white glad and lame
working together whatever just run like
the Klan was chasing you with a bucket
ATAR go
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calendars the dusts given here I have to
bother chole tone
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you'll suffer for your wicked wicked
ways gravity I'm a heart condition
not now Fontaine they're getting away
the juice
Oh feel the burn
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a smear fish big babe
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you're looking at one of the happiest
moments in my life my friends think I'm
a hero my girl thinks I'm the strongest
most virile man in the world and now the
sweet green pay off look it's good PR
for the crab hauler people to give it to
the church rebuilding fund and it's not
like they totally screwed us I got my
commission you desecrated God's house no
the money will be used to fix it I
deserve something we can break your
training schedule by the way has anyone
seen blazer
listen snotty no hard feelings what do
you say we go and sniff out a little fun
what a fact
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