I used to love the nightlife and hang
out in a bar
I used to help
but then I hit a couple I've got money
to see me guna strike my
is not so great
[Music]
[Music]
without a leg to stand on
[Music]
personally I've never been much of a
gambler it always seemed to be a crutch
for the weak for people who didn't have
the emotional or physical fortitude for
excessive drinking come on Lady Luck you
miserable little [ __ ] give daddy a
reason well you see these babies need
any cards mrs. Venables no you show love
Yeah right gents rhythm and a Royal
Flush cheat she's trying to swindle us
I'm out me too and the breeze feels
fantastic just what I wanted a table
full of man pie cover up the whole
bakery can I be of some assistance you
might want to get your nails trimmer
tired poor dear she's out all night
dancing and nineteen eighty year old
woman was out dancing all night you
watch her on the dance floor she doesn't
look a day over 97 will tell you you
called by now if that's your mail call
no wonder you're still single your
subscription to filthy pervert ah just I
get it for the articles my marinade of
the Month Club poached duck foie gras
hey hook boy mind if I dip my magazine
and your sauce give me a little extra
kick when I suck the pages hmm this
one's for mrs. Venable I'll take that
too what with the rest of her mail mrs.
Venables your pension check has arrived
what's that dear you want me to have it
oh I couldn't if you insist
mrs. Venables had paid into the system
all her life it was time to reap the
benefits even if it was me doing the
reaping and what better way than to take
my best gal out for a night on the town
[Music]
so what is in the chef's surprise trade
secret but I will tell you this we use
only the tenderest part of the bladder
mmm
take your time I'm gonna hang this
bugger in the front window let his
friend see what happens if they come in
here this is your idea of fine dining
where else can you get food of this
quality for such a modest price oh I
don't know maybe a dumpster okay I guess
I should have chosen another restaurant
after all mrs. Venables was treating and
as long as she stayed dead I'd have a
little extra lining in my pockets you're
sure you won't come in for a little
[Music]
not in my office tomorrow morning her
pension is cut off and an investigation
will be launched
[Music]
you've been pilfering the old bags
pension behind our backs that is so low
and disgusting I can't believe I didn't
think of it I'm really ashamed of you
if you're looking for help you can
forget it I'll split the checks with you
from now on how do we help Oh
presenting the living and breathing mrs.
Venables in the wrinkled old flesh my
what a homely bunch of boys they'll
never buy it your voice is too deep
perfect amundo now we have an
appointment to keep
I appreciate your coming in mrs.
vegetables I was beginning to have my
doubts that you really existed young
people are so cynical when's the last
time you had a good bowel movement well
I'm not exactly come on dearie get that
pickle out of here but I think I know
what your problem is is there a mr.
Hudson when's the last time you had your
Apple polished you need to find yourself
a nice football team and Joe okay mrs. B
it's time for your nap
and you could be a little nicer to that
dear boy Riley you'll have to excuse the
old team she gets this way when she
doesn't take her pills I see no reason
not to continue issuing your monthly
check oh that's wonderful dear thank you
and I meant what I said about the
football team
[Applause]
she's wearing my dress [ __ ] oh thank
god that's over
I'm going crazy in this getup you almost
blew the whole thing I was just having a
little fun I heard it I spent the day
with a wool dress stuck up my cr*ck
speaking of cracks oh sweet cheeks
oh is that all you strike men ever think
of your those shallow Oh my biceps look
fabulous rah
[Music]
[Music]
what the hell is this
she saved my baby this woman is I talk
about rotten luck I had to go and save a
kid's life mom don't get me wrong I've
got nothing against the little snot
dribblers this was a lot of attention
for a woman who didn't exist well the
old dolls more popular now than when she
was alive look at all the stuff people
are sending new dentures adult diapers
free marriage proposals and an offer to
host her own talk show what do you
expect I'm a hero you mean mrs. Venables
is a hero okay okay he was right
technically but it was kind of nice
being the toast of the town if I'd known
this is what it takes I would have
become a 98 year old woman sooner Mike
glad I wore my black dress it's very
slimming my boobs look saggy oh we
should have gone with a push-up bra your
98 years old they should be dragging on
the floor just get your award safe thank
you and let's get out of here don't
worry there's just a few things I want
to say first
hi I'm calling from the children's
fundraising crusade would you like to
make a donation for the orphans Oh
wonderful just make the check payable to
blazer that stands for blessed little
angels Zeppelin emergency rescue can I
help you a little surprise visit to
investigate the living conditions for
mrs. Venables and no one's here right
now maybe you should come back it's just
routine to ensure our elderly clients
are receiving the proper care blazer
it's miss Hudson from the pension office
Oh filthy pervert you say it like it's a
bad thing I mean this magazine
it's mrs. Venables exposed to this sort
of thing you know there's a lady on page
30 who looks a lot like you where's her
room we gave her the best room in the
house right next to the crapper for easy
access what noise I didn't hear anything
Oh when she's out we like to surprise
her as you are laundry hey bud glad
you're finally coming out of the closet
and for valor and bravery and just
making it to be this old I'm proud to
present this Medal of Honor to you mrs.
Venables
oh I'm thrilled to be here he'll my age
I'm thrilled to be anywhere except of
course downtown because mr. mayor did
you know there are no access ramps on
city buildings and there's a few other
things I'd like to bring to your
attention I've always had a problem
finding an accessible toilet when my
bladder gives out it's not a pretty
picture and at my age it holding it till
you get home sweetie
oh and how about that public transit hi
it's me
Spaulding I know I don't usually talk
here but Riley was so busy blabbing
onstage I thought I'd fill you in what
happened next I figured while he was
making that speech I just popped into
the gym next door and get a few reps in
I mean you don't get a body like this
just by lifting a [ __ ] in and out of
bed every day through menopause waiting
for a bus I've made a list of potholes
that should be fixed thank you for this
great honor I just hope I remember it
mrs. Venables yes my dear I'm afraid
your current living arrangements are
unacceptable the government will give
you the proper care you lead
[Music]
Oh Owen
one minute I was a hero the next a
prisoner of the shady Heights retirement
home with no chance of parole I'm sure
you're gonna be very happy here
you've chosen a wonderful time to move
in it's steak night see how busy our
kitchen is since some of our guests have
trouble with their teeth our food is
free chew and to make sure everything is
moving smoothly this is the colon
cleansing center I'll let you and your
new friends get acquainted I gotta get
out of here we thought there's only one
way
[Music]
come on you bastard
hello oh hi guys it's Rolly
I see you guys to come and get me
haven't you been wondering where I was
oh we've been worried thick haven't we
gothis uh-huh ruin my nap oh yeah oh oh
thank god you're okay tell us where you
are and we'll be right over to pick you
up well make it quick on Y mrs. V you've
been a naughty girl I think you need
something to help you fit in
Riley it's good to see you holy liver
spots this stone does the gargoyle lucky
bastard let's just get him home not
going food good nurse good enemas good
this home now come on help me drag his
namaste out of here
[Music]
I've got the exact trajectory figured
out according to these plans
I'll get them hang time come down and
launch you into the room you deactivate
the alarm and let up in two empty
[Music]
these plans are for the Bromberg
[Music]
blythe will lift this fence up just
enough so you can squeeze under are you
crazy all that stuff to scare people off
shall we Lefty are you sure oh I'm
positive
[Music]
Jerrod
[Music]
[Music]
this just enough plastic on this to blow
a hole right through this mother where
did you learn about exclusives
remember when Terrence and I had an ugly
breakup last year this was the only way
I could get into his apartment and get
my CDs back we got 10 seconds clear out
everybody
[Music]
Fontaine where in God's name is Fontaine
over here I want you to gate
Oh
[Music]
they have a retinal scanner
better than the one Tarrant head it's
impossible to b*at allow me all right
operation liberate the what is underway
you take a card or wheel him okay yeah
we'll meet down gently together
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
you'll thank me later
now to bag him a tag
aha
I found it mrs. Venable is officially
worm foods what's going on here
I'm afraid it's mrs. Venables she passed
away in his sleep she wouldn't dare
croak without my permission
you don't work here
[Applause]
[Music]
[Laughter]
go to see you old girl easy he's gonna
be doped up a house he probably won't
even remember any of it
you mean he won't remember this seat or
this Oh
the plan was brilliant on the way to the
cemetery the guys pull over let me out
put the real mrs. Venables in case
closed
we'll miss you mrs. b*at the homemade
cookies
the grandmotherly st*lks on the back
porch the oily rub downs in the steam
room wherever you are put in a good word
for me would you lefty would you like to
say a few words yes where are you going
there's a hottie widow next door newly
single injury
[Music]
come on quit playing hard-to-get he's
been gone for four whole days they've
got a move on with your life
[Music]
right now we rendezvous at 1500 hours
and make the switch I could use a drink
for the Droid
[Music]
[Music]
let's get him out of there that don't
smell like rice either Riley's been
hitting the tenants along too often or
we just hit a slight snag if Riley isn't
here then then where is he yeah crap I
think we're gonna need some shovels
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you