01x02 - Capital Punishment

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to "Last
Week Tonight."

I am John Oliver.

Thank you for being with us.

Lots to get through.

A quick recap of the week.

If you are watching the show
in eastern Ukraine, or as it

may be called by the time
that this show airs, western

Russia, then
please don't worry.

Yes, Vladimir Putin is seizing
some of your towns like

they're Super Bowl rings, but
rest assured the international

community is behind you.

If Russia continues on its
current course, we have

a range of tools at our
disposal, including sanctions

that will target
certain sectors

of the Russian economy.

Huh?

Sanctions.

You're welcome, Ukraine.

Everything is
going to be fine.

That's kind of our
go-to move now.

We impose sanctions the way
that Pizza Hut crams mozzarella

into every crevice
of a pizza crust.

It's kind of what we do
when we are completely

out of ideas.

Unfortunately this week also
showed how little regard

Vladimir Putin
has for sanctions.

The "New York Times" is
reporting this morning that

U.S. sanctions over Ukraine
are having a limited impact

on Russia, as Vladimir Putin
demands Ukrainian troops

withdraw from the southeastern
part of the country.

MAN: You know it's not a really
good sign when Vladimir Putin

tells you to withdraw troops
from your own country.

OK, that is true.

But to be fair, it's also
not a good sign when Vladimir

Putin tells you anything.

If Vladimir Putin leans in to
whisper something in your ear,

your best-case scenario
is that he's going to bite

your ear off.

That's the best thing that
could happen to you in that

particular circumstance.

Now, Ukraine would have
been the talk of the town

in Washington all this week if
they hadn't spent the whole

last 7 days party
planning for last night.

The White House Correspondents
dinner, lovingly called

Nerd Prom.

We call it the Nerd Prom.

Nerd Prom!

Ha ha ha.

Nerd Prom.

Yay.

Amazingly, it's actually
even worse than it sounds.

An alarming display of
coziness where you can see

such majestic sights as
National Security Advisor

Susan Rice asking for an
autograph from the guy from

"Duck Dynasty."

Both of them could justifiably
look the other one in the eyes

and say, "What the f*ck
are you doing here?"

And they would both be right.

It's a night when journalists
celebrate their independence

by hanging out with their
sources and celebrates their

importance by utterly
ignoring one another in favor

of Hollywood stars.

In fact, the main purpose
of the evening seems to be

providing photos of glamorous
celebrities completely unaware

of who they are
standing next to.

She has no idea.

With the person
in question actually

usually being Wolf Blitzer.

[Applause]

Can I be in your photo?

Can I be in your photo?

Surely--surely this
wasn't what the founders

of the Correspondents
Association had in mind



In fact, let's take a look
at their original charter.

I wish I could show you all
that charter because it's our

most prized artifact.

Well, I wish you could show
it to me, too, then.

If you're wondering why
he's referring to the charter

in the conditional sense, it's
because during the renovation

of the White House press room,
the Correspondents Association

handed over their charter
for safekeeping and, well...

When they cut the ribbon,
the White House had lost

our charter.

Oh, well.

You weren't really
using it anyway.

Perhaps you could just replace
it with a framed photo of Wolf

Blitzer with Sofia Vergara.

And now this.

MALE ANNOUNCER: And now,
newscasters enjoying a pun

about today's date
a little too much.

I'm a math and
"Star Wars" nerd.

It's Star Wars Day when we
say May the 4th be with you.

Happy Star Wars Day.

May the 4th
be with you.
Nice!

Obviously it's May
the 4th be with you.

OK, so I actually
speak droid, guys.

He just said, "May the


May the 4th be with you.
Get it?

It's a take on the 4th--I
mean, the force be with you.

And there you go.

Today is Star Wars Day.

Maybe the 4th one.

Or we should say, just
the 4th be with you.

Moving on...

As you know, our show is
dedicated to covering

the biggest news of the week,
whatever that news may be.

We have a long, proud,
one-week history

of doing that.

So, what was the biggest
news story of this week?

We begin in Oklahoma tonight
with an execution that didn't

go as planned.

A convicted k*ller from
Oklahoma dies after

a botched execution.

OK, OK, OK.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Wait.

"You're not gonna really do
a comic take on the death

"penalty, right?

"It's your second episode.

I haven't even decided if
I like this show yet."

Well, you're right.

Don't change the channel.

We don't have to talk
about the death penalty.

No one is forcing us to.

In the application of the
death penalty in this country,

we've seen significant
problems.

I think we do have to, as a
society, ask ourselves some

difficult and
profound questions.

Do we?

Do we really have to do that?

Can you not just answer
those questions for us?

Because I do not want to
talk about the death penalty,

and judging by the noise
that you make when you talk

about it, neither do you.

What happened
in Oklahoma is
deeply troubling.

Uh...

Uh...

I know that sound.

That's the sound of a
man drowning on dry land,

desperately hoping for Biden
to suddenly walk out into the

Rose Garden in an open robe.

"Oh, good, Joe.

"Joe's here.

"Thank God you're here.

"Let's lighten the
mood, everyone.

Let's talk about Benghazi."

OK, OK?

So let's do this, then.

Let's talk about the death
penalty, and before you turn

this show off, there was
a YouTube video this week of

"Tiny Hamsters Eating Tiny
Burritos," and it's as magical

and as uncomplicated as you
think, and if you make it to

the end of this story, I
promise we will watch it

together, OK?

You have to stay with us.

You have to stay with
us to get this.

OK, so...

the death penalty: should it
exist, and what should its

limits be?

Can someone give me a broad,
almost infantile guideline

of when they think
it's appropriate?

The Supreme Court has already
told us that the death penalty

is constitutional.

I do believe in the death
penalty, but only with respect

to those that are guilty
of committing the crime.

OK.

Bold idea.

We shouldn't execute
innocent people.

I think most people would
probably agree with that.

You, sir, are a
regular Atticus Finch.

But executing the innocent

is not really
the tough question here.

It's whether we should be
executing the guilty, and let

me acknowledge right up front
that I come to this as a bit

of an outsider.

Britain does not have capital
punishment, so in a way, I

really don't know what
I'm talking about.

But in another way, I really
do know what I'm talking

about because before 1965,
we didn't just have capital

punishment, we literally went
medieval on people's asses.

MAN: The history of capital
punishment in Britain is

a long and bloody one.

Since the Middle Ages,
those condemned to death have

variously faced being boiled
alive, burnt at the stake, or

hung, drawn, and quartered.

Yeah. We did that.

We boiled people.

And in the grand tradition of
British cuisine, if anything,

we overboiled them.

We boiled them up.

We--we loved k*lling people
so much, we kept coming up

with new, inventive techniques
that looked like they were

designed by the Marquis de
Sade and named by Willy Wonka.

MAN: This is the head-crusher.

The small and seemingly
innocuous thumb-biter

originates in 14th-century
Scotland.

These devices have
almost childlike names,

like penny-winkies.

Ooh. That's
right--penny-winkies,

a delightful English cousin
of the throaty tug-tug

and the jolly shocky buzz
buzz tickly wiggly seats.

And, look.

I know that all of this is
still technically horrifying,

but that's kind of the point
because whether you are

boiling people alive or
putting them to sleep

with a tiny injection
administered by a puppy

dressed as Winnie the Pooh,
in the end, you are getting

the same result.

And here's the thing: just
because the British people

don't have the death penalty
anymore doesn't mean that we

don't want it back.

Recent polls suggest that
at least half the population

would choose to have it
reinstated, which makes

complete sense because the
death penalty is one of those

things that is natural to
want but you shouldn't

necessarily have.

The death penalty
is like the McRib.

When you can't have it, it's
so tantalizing, but as soon as

they bring it back, you think,
"This is ethically wrong.

Should this be allowed
in a civilized society?"

And by the way, there is
your new slogan, McRib.

You are welcome.
You are welcome.

You can have that for free.

That's yours.

Because...

because there are things about
having the death penalty which

might make you
a little bit queasy.

What does the United States
have in common with Iran,

Iraq, and Saudi Arabia?

The answer is
the death penalty.

According to Amnesty
International, those 4 nations

and China are responsible for


Look, this is going to seem
like a gross simplification,

but any list that contains
Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia,

and China is not a
list you want to be on.

Ideally you want to be on
one of those lists that

Finland is on.

Finland is on all the good
lists, like countries with

the best pastries or best
countries to host your

overseas lesbian wedding.

I know what some of
you are thinking.

"But, John, I hear you saying
that most Western countries no

longer have executions, but
if someone committed a heinous

crime, I would still very
much like to k*ll them."

OK, well, let's start with if.

There have been
in this country

since we've been doing
forensic testing.

On life without parole.

It is interesting how things
which were once considered

complete airtight evidence
against somebody are now sort

of being viewed
as junk science.

Isn't it interesting?

Is "interesting" really the
word that you're looking

for there, Cooper?

Facts found on Snapple
caps are interesting.

Oh. The Statue of Liberty's
nose is 4'6" long.

That's an interesting fact.

But facts like innocent people
are potentially ex*cuted by

our government on a regular
basis are not so much

interesting as
f*cking horrifying.

Put it this way: if you
found that on the bottom

of a Chobani lid, that would
make a container of Chobani

even harder to swallow
than it already is.

And look...

look, statistics suggest that
false convictions aren't all

that rare.

Just this week, we are
learning from the proceedings

of the National Academy of
Sciences a study that shows 4%

of death row inmates
are ♪ innocent

I think you might be
using the wrong ♪ tone



The outrage about this
must be off the charts.

I remember a certain Texas
governor who felt that 4

individual cases of voter
impersonation in the last

decade was a moral issue
important to address.

I think any person who does
not want to see fraud believes

in having good, open, honest
elections transparent.

Well, we'd take it
to the Supreme Court.

To the Supreme Court over
a voter impersonation rate

essentially close to 0%.

So a potential
executing-the-innocent rate

of 4% must really eat
away at Rick Perry.

Your state has ex*cuted
more than

any other governor
in modern times.

Have you...
[Applause]

Have you struggled to sleep at
night with the idea that any

one of those might
have been innocent?

No, sir. I've never
struggled with that at all.

Nope. I never
struggled with it.

In fact, I sleep great, like
a big, muscular baby.


the air, with a mobile

above my head.

Crying when I shit myself.

I'm a big baby.

I sleep like a baby.

But OK, OK.

Let's imagine for a moment a
magical world where you could

be sure of someone's guilt.

What are the arguments
for k*lling them then?

Is it that it's a
deterrent to others?

There is no credible evidence
that the death penalty is

a particular deterrent
to violent crime.

Although to be fair, the
death penalty is an amazing

deterrent to fishing
without a license.

"Listen, Todd, I'd love to go
with you, but is it worth it?

You've got a wife
and children."

So what about the argument,
then, that we shouldn't have

to pay to house and feed
a convicted k*ller?

An average death-penalty
case costs the state

millions of dollars.

In California alone,
since 1978, the total cost

of enforcing the death penalty
has been over $4 billion.

That's $308 million for
each of the 13 executions

carried out.

In fact, it costs up to 10
times more to give someone

the death penalty than
life in prison.

So, what a death sentence is
really saying is, "Hey, this

is America, and the way we
treat the most despicable

members of our society is by
spending the entire budget

of the "Lord of the
Rings" trilogy on them."

So, what we know now is the
death penalty is expensive,

potentially kills innocent
people, and doesn't

deter crime.

And here is where it
gets hard, harder than is

potentially appropriate for
a comedy show late

on a Sunday night.

But if we are going to
answer difficult and profound

questions, as the President
told us to, the toughest one

is probably, if someone
is guilty of committing

a horrible crime and the
family of the victim want the

perpetrator ex*cuted, do we
want to live in the kind

of country that
gives that to them?

I would say no.

You might very reasonably say
yes or, at the very least...

OBAMA: Uh...

But--but it's a question that
is going to need an answer,

and in the meantime, a much
easier question is, do you

want to watch a YouTube
video of a tiny hamster eating

a tiny burrito?

Because at this point--.

[Cheering]

at this point, you
have f*cking earned it.

♪

[Applause]

And that is how you end
a comprehensive segment

on the death penalty.

And now this.

MALE ANNOUNCER: America.

Everyone knows it's the
greatest nation on earth

and our leaders are the
greatest leaders on earth.

But did you know there are
other countries that are

not America and each of them
has a leader of its very own?

Let's take a moment to meet
one in our ongoing series,

"Other Countries' Presidents
of the United States."

This week's leader...

MAN: François Alont.

François Holland.

François Ollande.

Frankie Holland.

MALE ANNOUNCER: That's
right--François Hollande,

the President of France, the
country where your cousin

spent a 3-month semester
abroad and the rest of his

life overemphasizing
the word "croissant."

Interestingly, Hollande is
rare among world leaders

in that he's publicly
questioned the existence

of God, which perhaps explains
why on his inauguration day

this happened.

WOMAN: Hollande was on his way
to meet with German Chancellor

Angela Merkel in Berlin when
his plane was hit by lighting.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Hollande is
also a committed socialist,

not only believing that
France should have a public

investment bank and that
the country's retirement age

should begin at 60 but also
that his body should be shared

with as many French
women as possible.

Yes, François is probably
most famous for his love life,

which rivals that of France's
notorious President Le Pew.

PEPE LE PEW: We can do away
with the dull preliminaries.

Mwah, mwah.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Hollande had 4
children with Ségoléne Royal,

a fellow socialist who also
ran for president, only to

lose to Nicolas Sarkozy.

Hollande chose to comfort his
partner by leaving her for his

younger mistress,
Valérie Trierweiler, an act

so heartless, the French
people decided to punish him

by electing him to the
highest office in the land.

But wait, there's more.

Hollande then cheated on
his mistress with another

mistress, sneaking out of the
Presidential palace to meet

her for a rendezvous on a
scooter, a sequence of events

so stereotypically French
it's almost offensive.

So tonight we introduce you to
François Hollande, a man who

dumped a presidential
candidate and became President

himself, a man who evicted
the First Lady from the

Presidential Palace, an action
which somehow increased his

approval ratings, and the
only man in the world who has

managed to pick up a gorgeous
movie star mistress while

riding around on a scooter.

[Beep beep]

Who says there's no God?

[Thunder]

Let's move on.

There was big news this
week out of Brunei.

Wait. Let me back up a second.

There is a country
called Brunei.

It's located here
in Southeast Asia.

Specifically it's located
here on the island of Borneo.

Anyway, there was big news
from Brunei this week.

MAN: At a ceremony on
Wednesday morning, the Sultan

announced that Brunei's
experiment with sharia law

had begun.

OK, fine.
No need to get alarmed.

We all know that sharia law is
just one of those scary terms

that your Grandma sends
you email forwards about

because a guy who looked a
little bit Muslim cut in front

of her at the grocery store.

So, what does this
new law entail?

MAN: In about a year, those
guilty of theft or consuming

alcohol will be punished
with a whipping or even

amputations, and in two years,
the death penalty will be

implemented for crimes
like blasphemy, sodomy, or

insulting the Koran.

Holy shit.

I guess this explains
Brunei's new slogan "Brunei is

"for lovers only within
the strict bounds

of heterosexual marriage."

Now, I know I should
be careful here.

Maybe this sultan is just a
devout, pious man obeying the

strict tenets of his faith.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: He's
worth more than $20 billion.

He owns a fleet of more
than 5,000 luxury cars

and his own 747.

Now, his family includes


He lives in a


OK, so I'm not really getting
humility off of this so much

as Donald Trump
times Richard Branson

to the Scrooge McDuckth power.

But his incredible display of
wealth was the surprise party

that he threw for
himself back in 1996.

MALE ANNOUNCER: It has been
Brunei's most lavish party

ever--a two-week, $25 million
bash thrown by Sultan

Hassanal Bolkiah for
his 50th birthday.

Michael Jackson, said to be
the sultan's favorite pop

star, gave a public concert.

As a gift to the fans, the
sultan picked up the tab

for the concert, which
he did not attend.

Wow. He did not attend.

That is a power move.

You fly Michael Jackson around
the world to perform for you

and then you don't
turn up to the concert.

"I'm just too rich
to give a shit."

And it's not just wealth.

It's a little hard to take
strict moral guidelines from

a man whose own brother
owned--and this is true--a

yacht called "Tits" with
service boats called "Nipple



At that point, you're not
the moral authority

of your country.

You're just Jeremy
Piven with money.

The sultan's brother even
stocked his estate on Long

Island with these actual
graphic statues of himself

having sex.

I'd say that's not classy,
but to be honest, it's

the classiest thing
on Long Island.

[Applause]

Come at me.
Come at me.

So rank hypocrisy, vicious
anti-h*m* laws,

and yet a conspicuous lack of
condemnation this week from

any major countries, and
that's because Brunei falls

under the Saudi Arabian rule.

If you're a tiny wealthy
strategically located country

with oily business underneath
you, the whole world is

your friend.

Do you remember the
British royal wedding?

Because the sultan
certainly does.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: And here
we have the Sultan of Brunei

coming in, Sultan Haji
Hassanal Bolkiah, and he is

there with his wife.

Yeah, he was there, and he had
good seats, too, because who's

that over William's shoulder.

There he is, literally
courtside.

If something had gone wrong,
he could have tapped in

and got himself wife number 4.

And also remember
the last G20 summit?

Because guess who's there.

It's the Sultan of Brunei.

Brunei is not even in the G20.

The sultan just doesn't give a
shit, and he turns up anyway.

He has had face-to-face
sit-downs with each

of the last 3 presidents.

It is a great pleasure
to welcome
my good friend

His Majesty
the Sultan of Brunei.

Just for context, Brunei has
a population of--and this is

true--420,000 people.

For scale, the population
of Staten Island is 470,000,

and yet somehow I don't
remember ever seeing Staten

Island borough president James
P. Molinaro getting a sit-down

with the President, although
to be honest, he is a lot less

fun than the sultan.

Molinaro's last big birthday
took place at the Sizzler

with entertainment from a
Jermaine Jackson impersonator.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

It was actually far
less exciting than that.

And a happy birthday to
our borough president James

Molinaro, who turned


He received flowers
and several phone calls

in his office.

I'm gonna guess that none of
those were from the President.

And the sad thing is, we in
America were on such a roll

of condemning anti-gay
legislation around the world

in places like Uganda or, of
course, recently in Russia.

I have no patience for
countries that try to treat

gays or lesbians or
transgendered persons in ways

that intimidate them or
are harmful to them.

I have no patience,
although to be honest,

I might try
and build some up.

You never know when
it'll come in handy.

Because there was no public
statement on Brunei's laws

from the State Department
at all this week.

We even called them,
and we're nobody.

They explicitly told us that.

Although there was one group
this week that took a stand.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: It's also
led to several celebrities

boycotting the Beverly Hills
Hotel, which the sultan owns.

I've got to say
congratulations to the city

of Los Angeles.

It cannot have been easy,
within a week, to discover you

have a worse billionaire
owner than this guy.

So the most public statement
of condemnation this week came

from--and this is
true--Ellen's Twitter feed,

where she said she will be
boycotting hotels that

the sultan owns.

Take that, sultan!

You might get a pass from
every single government

on earth, but you do not--you
do not piss off the People's

Republic of Ellen!

You don't do it.

You don't do that!

You don't do it!

And I've got to say it's too
bad because the sultan was one

of my favorite "Ellen" guests.

Look at him dance.

That's just natural rhythm.

But you know who I feel for
the worst, other than everyone

in Brunei over this?

Their Tourism Authority,
because they're going to have

to change their ads now.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: When it's
time to go back to the values

of sincerity and purity,
there is always Brunei.

Brunei Darussalam,

a kingdom of
unexpected treasures.

It's nice.
It looks very nice.

But I'm afraid you are
gonna want to change at least

the end of that.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Brunei Darussalam.

We're on top of
a shit-ton of oil.

What've you got?

"Nothing" is the answer.
And now this.

MALE ANNOUNCER: And now
"People Falling Asleep

Behind Politicians."

Understand that your success
in life won't be determined

just by what's given to you
or what happens to you.

There's no one that
can outcompete us.

There is no country in the
world that can outcompete us.

When you ask me
next time, I'll have

the answer ...

And our allies are so much
less willing to trust us.

We need to make sure that the
American people are given just

a fighting chance.

We must do these things
together, as one nation

and one people.

Corporate Japan is going to
overtake the United States

of America.

The common refrain is, more
care and less Rick, but I'm

working on it.

And there are folks on the
left who do the same thing,

trying to be purposely
provocative, saying the

meanest, nastiest things you
can say about the other side.

The social problems they
have to deal

with are incomprehensible.

We stand for freedom and
hope and opportunity.

I know that you can do it.

After all, you are the giants!

And with the education you've
gotten here, there's nothing

you can't do!

Thank you so much
for watching.

Please do join us
again next week.

Have a great night!

[Cheering and applause]