01x05 - Net neutrality

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome, welcome to
"Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much
for being with us.

A quick recap of this week.

It began with Europe reeling
from the results of

the European
parliamentary elections.

A political earthquake--
that's how at least

one European lawmaker described

the unprecedented
surge of far-right

and anti-E.U. parties that
swept to power this weekend.

Wait. Did I hear that right?

There was a surge of far-right
parties in Europe.

In terms of phrases
you don't want to hear,

that is right up there
with "it's malignant"

and "we're losing
cabin pressure."

Because lest we forget, when
Europe goes far right,

they go far right
through Belgium.

And in case you think
I might be exaggerating,

take a look at Greece's
Golden Dawn Party.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The party
campaigns with the slogan
"clear the filth."

"Filth" is code for
Asian and African migrants.

MALE TRANSLATOR: We may
do the Hitler salute,

but at least our
hands are clean.

Wait, wait.

Your hand cleanliness is not
people's chief concern.

If you're gonna
start a sentence with

"We may do the Hitler salute,
but," you have to end it with

something better than that.

We may do the Hitler salute
but that's only to show

how tall a llama is.

It's about this tall.

From my chest it's
about this tall.

Just about there.

These guys have seats
in the European parliament now.

This is one of their flags.

That's basically
a jaunty swastika.

If Hitler was alive, he'd sue
them for trademark infringement

and you know he'd do that.

He was a real n*zi about
intellectual property.

The worst thing is,
these guys won't be lonely

in the European parliament.

They'll be joining
Hungary's Jobbik party.

Let's check in on
one of their rallies.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
The May Day festival

for supporters of Jobbik,

Hungary's ultra-far-right
political party.

♪

Just 3 years ago, it exploded
onto the political scene

on an anti-Semitic,
anti-Roma Gypsy ticket.

OK, couple of things.

"A," that's terrifying,
and "B," quick side note.

Why do neo-Nazis
always like metal?

Is there anyone into both
anti-Zionist conspiracy theories

and smooth jazz?

Hi, there.
We're Groovestep.

We're here to denounce
the mongrel races,

but first let's jam.

♪

This is our little quiet storm
off our new album

"Pure Bloodlines."

Give it up for
Neil Whiteman on drums.

Real name, real name.
Can't make it up.

In less alarming news
this week,

Ukraine chose a new leader
with millions of voters

heading out to
the ballot boxes.

And just--before you judge,
before you judge,

you don't know
the context of that clip.

Maybe they were
just overexcited

or thought that was some
kind of electric pinata.

So, of the votes
that weren't destroyed,

who emerged victorious?

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Ukrainians
elected Petro Poroshenko

as their next president.

He is a pro-European
billionaire

who has been nicknamed
"the chocolate king"

because of his candy business.

That's right.
They've elected

the owner of
a chocolate factory.

Ukraine is now in the hands

of the Willy Wonka
of Eastern Europe.

♪ Come with me and you'll be in
a world of pure annihilation ♪

Congratulations, Ukraine.
You may have just gone from

least whimsical to most
whimsical country on earth.

And finally, it was
a big week for Afghanistan.

As you probably heard, the
American soldier who's been

in the hands of the Taliban
for nearly 5 years now

is coming home, and what
of all the other

U.S. troops still there?

Well, over the last
couple of years,

the president has held firm
with his planned deadline.

By 2014, this process of
transition will be complete

and the Afghan people
will be responsible

for their own security.

By the end of 2014, the Afghans
will be fully responsible

for the security
of their country.

We will have them all
out of there by 2014.

And this week
he announced a plan

to almost completely
stick to that plan

for all but just
under 10,000 troops.

President Obama has
announced a new plan

to end America's
military involvement.

MALE ANNOUNCER: His plan
calls for 9,800 troops

to stay in Afghanistan
after this year ends

and then about half of that
by the end of 2015.

That's right.
By December 2015,

just under 5,000 troops.

And the plan actually
goes beyond that.

By December 2016, it says
we'll have 1,000 troops, tops,

but basically we're out,

not like out out,
but you know, pretty much out.

And finally by March, 2017,


but no actual troops,

except for 5 troops

and 7,000 heavily armed
Americans on tourist visas.

Essentially, after


it might just be
fairer to say that

America's current
official policy is

we are just about
to leave Afghanistan

and we always will be.

And now this.

MAN: And now, after resigning,
Jay Carney tells

one last pack of lies to
the White House press room.

It's been an amazing experience.
Just so fulfilling.

I've answered this question
several times

but I'm happy to answer it again
if you'd let me answer it.

Come on, Ed.

John, I get it.

Ed, again, go look at the facts.

John, could I finish?

Every day in here with you
has been a privilege.

Hold on, John.

[Reporters talking at once]

It's an important interaction
that takes place here.

The president did not
communicate with Jay-Z.

I decided the time
has come to shave, so,

and no matter how tough
the briefing is,

I walk out of here having been
glad to stand here.

I got to run.
I give up.

James, I think we're done here.
Thanks.

[Applause]
Moving on. Moving on.

Our top story tonight
concerns the Internet.

A.K.A., the electronic
cat database.

But first, let's take
just a moment together

and appreciate how amazing
the Internet is.

You can use it to file your
taxes, apply for jobs.

You can go online right now
and buy a case of coyote urine.

Do you know how
difficult it used to be

to obtain coyote urine?

You literally had to give
a coyote Gatorade

and just wait.

It was a mess.
The system was a mess.

But if you've turned
on the news lately,

you may have heard
some worrying references

to the Internet changing.

The Federal
Communications Commission

has agreed to move forward
on a proposal

that could change the way
we use the Internet.

At risk--the basic principle
of net neutrality.

Net neutrality.
Net neutrality.

Yes, net neutrality.
The only two words

that promise more boredom
in the English language

are "featuring Sting."

And hearing people talk
about it is somehow even worse.

As anticipated, the notice
proposes to ground

the net neutrality rules
in section 706

of the Telecommunications Act
of 1996.

Oh, my God, that is the most
boring thing I've ever seen.

That is even boring
by C-Span standards.

I would rather read
a book by Thomas Friedman

than sit through that hearing.

I would rather listen
to a pair of Dockers

tell me about
the weird dream it had.

I would rather
sit down with my niece

and watch "Caillou,"
a children's show

about a bald Canadian child

who lives a life
devoid of any incident.

f*ck you, Caillou.

Grow some hair
and leave the house.

Find out what the world's aboot.
Come on.

But here's the thing.

Net neutrality is actually
hugely important.

Essentially, it means that all
data has to be treated equally,

no matter who created it.

It's why the Internet is
a weirdly level playing field

and start-ups can supplant
established brands.

That's how Facebook
supplanted Myspace,

which supplanted Friendster,

which supplanted actually
having any friends.

Do you remember physically
having friends?

It was awful.

You couldn't tap people's faces
to make them go away.

The point is, the Internet
in its current form

is not broken, and the FCC
is currently taking steps

to fix that.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The FCC
is endorsing new rules that

could clear the way
for a two-tier system.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The rules
would open the door

for the first time
for Internet providers

like Comcast and Verizon

to charge tech companies
to send content

to consumers more quickly.

Netflix, for example, might pay
a premium to ensure that its

customers can stream movies
more reliably,

at a cost a startup competitor
might not be able to afford.

No. This cannot happen.

How else is my startup
streaming video service Nutflix

going to compete?

It's gonna be America's
one-stop resource

for videos of men
getting hit in the nuts.

You don't even know
you want it yet.

That's why it's brilliant.

Ending net neutrality
would allow big companies

to buy their way
into the fast lane,

leaving everyone else
in the slow lane.

Although telecom companies

would prefer that you put it
in a slightly different way.

When you say fast lane and slow
lane, it's a good illustration,

but what you really
should be talking about

is a fast lane for everybody and
a hyperspeed lane for others.

Bullshit!

If we let cable companies
offer two speeds of service,

there won't be Usain Bolt
and Usain Bolt on a motorbike.

It will be Usain Bolt
and Usain bolted to an anchor.

And telecom companies will say

they would never slow down
a website speed

in order to get more money
out of them, but

let me tell you a little story.

Recently, Comcast was
negotiating with Netflix.

This graph shows
Netflix download speeds

on various providers.

That black line plummeting
downwards was their speed

on Comcast during
the negotiation.

See if you can guess
when Netflix agreed
to Comcast's demands.

I'll give you a hint.
It's right there.

That has all the ingredients
of a mob shakedown.

Netflix--nice show about
life in a ladies' prison.

Such a shame if
there was going to be

something happen to your
connection there.

So frustrating that would be.

And it's not just anti-corporate
hippies who think that

abandoning net neutrality
is a bad idea.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The net
neutrality movement is

leery of big corporate players,
but in this debate,

it's on the same side
as some of them.

Google, Facebook,
Netflix, Amazon,

all signed onto this letter
supporting net neutrality.

What's being proposed
is so egregious,

activists and corporations have
been forced onto the same side.

That's basically Lex Luthor

knocking on Superman's
apartment door

and going, "Listen, I know
we have our differences,

"but we have got to get rid of
that assh*le in Apartment 3-B.

He's too loud, Supe.
He's just too loud."

And you might wonder,
well, look,

if everyone is against this,

how is it even
possibly happening?

Well, consider who would
benefit from this change--

cable companies.

Verizon wants a two-tier
system so badly,

they sued the government
to force the rule change

that's currently
being discussed.

These companies have Washington
in their pockets

to a conveniently, almost
unbelievable degree.

Comcast has spent $18,810,000
in lobbying last year.

That's more than
any other company,

except for defense contractor
Northrop Grumman.

So, just to be clear,

the ranking of who buys
government influence

is number one,
military-industrial complex,

and number two, the provider
of "Lizard Lick Towing."

Look, I could show you the
troublingly cozy relationship

between cable companies
and Washington

in any number of ways.

I could show you the president
golfing with the CEO of Comcast,

or saying at a fundraiser
at a cable executive's house

that he'd been there
so many times,

"The only thing I haven't
done in this house

is have Seder dinner."

But perhaps the most succinct
way is this.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The president
has picked Tom Wheeler,

a former top lobbyist for
cable and wireless companies,

to be the next chair
of the Federal
Communications Commission.

Yes, the guy who used to run

the cable industry's
lobbying arm

is now running the agency
tasked with regulating it.

That is the equivalent
of needing a babysitter

and hiring a dingo.

Here, thanks for stopping over.

Make sure they're
in bed by 8:00.


for kibble.

So, please don't eat my baby.

With the fact--with the fact

that they are practically
overseeing their own oversight,

it is hardly surprising
that cable companies

are basically monopolies now.

A federal study found that


have access to two or fewer
cable broadband providers.

It's almost as if
they've agreed

to stay out of each other's way
like drug cartels.

But hold on, that's not fair,
that's not fair.

I mean, if hypothetically,
a cable company like Comcast

were planning to merge
with a company like,

let's say, Time Warner,
it's not like their CEO

would sit down and mark out
who had which turf, right?

Both in video
and in broadband,

we don't compete
with Time Warner.

You have to start
with that very
fundamental point.

They're in New York,
we're in Philadelphia.

They're in L.A.,
we're in San Francisco.

You can't buy a Comcast
in New York,

you can't buy a Time
Warner in Philadelphia,

so there's no reduction
in competition.

Exactly.

You can't reduce competition
when nobody is competing.

You could not be describing
a monopoly more clearly

if you were wearing
a metal top hat

while driving a metal car

after winning second prize
in a beauty contest.

[Applause]

Maybe it's because of
their lack of competition

that they get away with
providing such shitty service.

We pay more for our
Internet service

than almost
anybody else on earth

and yet the download speeds
we get lag behind Estonia.

Estonia, a country where,
from the looks of it,

they still worry about
Shrek att*cks.

Is it any wonder

that in a massive recent
customer satisfaction surveys,

Comcast and Time Warner Cable
came in dead last,

and when you look at the
companies that were scored

better than them,
people were basically saying,

yes, Bank of America
took my home.

Yes, Taco Bell
gave me diarrhea.

And sure, GM tried to k*ll me,

but Time Warner and Comcast
are the worst.

They are the worst.

[Applause]

I know the cable
companies will say,

oh, they support
net neutrality protections

or they remain committed to the
open Internet or just the tip.

But let me remind you

they also say that
they'll be at your house

between 2:00 and 6:00
tomorrow afternoon,

and does any part of you really
expect them to f*cking turn up?

And yet, our government looks
set to end net neutrality

and let these companies
run hog wild,

and we're just gonna let them.

And you know why?
It all comes back to this.

It seeks comment on
ways to construe

additional language
in section 706

and even suggests
using section 230-b

to broaden the scope of the
commission's usurped authority.

Oh, my God, how are you
still so dull?

And that's the problem--the
cable companies have figured out

the great truth of America.

If you want to do
something evil,

put it inside something boring.

Apple could put the entire text
of "Mein Kampf"

inside the iTunes user agreement
and you'd just go, agree, agree,

what?, agree, agree.

And that's why advocates
should not be talking about

protecting net neutrality.

They shouldn't even
use that phrase.

They should call it preventing
cable company fuckery.

Because that is what it is

and it might actually compel
people to want to do something,

and the interesting
thing here is

there might actually be
something you can still do.

The FCC will be taking
public comment for 120 days.

That's right.
The FCC

are literally inviting
Internet comments

at this address.

And at this point,
and I can't believe

I'm about to do this,

I would like to address
the Internet commenters

out there directly.

Good evening, monsters.

This may be the moment
you've spent

your whole lives training for.

You have been out there
ferociously commenting on

dance videos of adorable


saying things like
"Every child could dance

"like this little loser

after one week of practice."

Or you've been polluting
"Frozen"'s "Let It Go"

with comments like "Ice Castle
would give her hypothermia

and she dead in an hour."

Or, and I know
you've done this one.

Commenting on video
on this show saying,

"f*ck this assh*le anchor.

"Go suck your president's d*ck.

You're just friends
with the t*rrorists."

Now, I don't know--

I don't know what
any of that means.

But I don't think
it's a compliment.

But this is the moment
you were made for, commenters.

Like Ralph Macchio, you've been
honing your skills waxing cars

and painting fences.

Well, guess what?

Now it's time to do
some f*cking karate.

For once in your life, we need
you to channel that anger.

That badly-spelled bile
that you normally reserve

for unforgivable
att*cks on actresses

you seem to think
have put on weight

or politicians that
you disagree with.

Or photos of your ex-girlfriend
getting on with her life.

Or non-white actors being cast
as fictional characters.

And I'm talking to you,
RonPaulfan2016.

And you, One Direction Forever.

And I'm talking to you,
One Direction Sucks Balls.

We need you to get out there
and for once in your lives,

focus your indiscriminate rage
in a useful direction.

Seize your moment,
my lovely trolls.

Turn on caps lock
and fly, my pretties!

Fly! Fly! Fly!

And now this. Fly!

MALE ANNOUNCER: America.
Everyone knows

it's the greatest
nation on earth

and our leaders are
the greatest leaders on earth.

But did you know there are other
countries that are not America

and each of them has
a leader of its very own?

Let's take a moment to meet one
in our ongoing series,

"Other Countries' Presidents
of the United States."

This week's leader--Tony Abbott,
Prime Minister of Australia,

the island nation famed for its

bouncing kangaroos
and blooming onions.

Its current leader, hardline
right-wing Prime Minister
Tony Abbott,

rose to power promising to be

pro-business and religiously
anti-immigration.

Literally religiously
anti-immigration.

And Jesus knew that there was
a place for everything,

and it is not necessarily
everyone's place

to come to Australia.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Exactly.

Australia is for real
Australians, like Tony Abbott,

who was born in
London, England.

It's that kind of
rhetorical consistency

that's won him the admiration
of his predecessors.

If Tony Abbott ends up
the prime minister of Australia,

I mean, you've got to say,
"God help us. God help us."

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Tributes in song.

♪

MALE ANNOUNCER: And the love of
Australia's children.

My mommy calls him
Tony Dumb-Dumb

because she thinks
he is so, um,
like, dumb.

MALE ANNOUNCER: What is it
about Tony Dumb-Dumb

that's led to his current
approval rating of 30%?

Could it be that he's
personally insulted

everyone else in the country,
from women...

MALE ANNOUNCER: to gays...

h*m*.
How do you feel
about that?

I probably feel
a bit threatened. Heh.

MALE ANNOUNCER: to anyone
remotely Irish...

This government is a bit
like the Irishman,

who lost 10 pounds betting on
the Grand National

and then lost 20 pounds
on the action replay.

MALE ANNOUNCER: to elderly,
cancer-ridden,

phone sex workers...

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tony Abbott
has been filmed winking

during a radio show.

WOMAN ON RADIO: I'm
a 63-year-old pensioner.


medical conditions,

two life-threatening, and I work
on an adult sex lounge

to make ends meet.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
to, incredibly, this.

Tony Abbott has been caught out

seemingly insulting a Queensland
soldier k*lled in Afghanistan.

After being told about
the complications

of the firefight, this is
Mr. Abbott's reaction.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Sometimes, shit does happen.

Luckily, Tony Abbott
is a master of words

and can talk himself
out of any situation.

Look, a soldier has died

and you shouldn't be
trying to turn this

into a subsequent
media circus.

How has it turned into
a media circus?

Tell me, what's
the context?

If it's out of context,
what is the context?

You're not saying
anything, Tony.

I've given you the
response you deserve.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Yes,
Tony Abbott knows

one panicked,
pants-sh1tting expression

is worth a thousand words,

and what a way with words
Tony Abbott has.

No one, however smart,
however well-educated,

however experienced, is the
suppository of all wisdom.

MALE ANNOUNCER: But if anyone
is the suppository of wisdom,

surely it's Tony Abbott,

a man who always knows exactly
what to say or not to say

and has won exactly as much
respect from his constituents

as he deserves.

[Applause]

Finally, there were lots of
competitions this week,

but if you were watching the NBA
or the Stanley Cup playoffs,

you might have missed the most
entertaining contest of all.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
we go from 12 to one as we crown

the 2014 Scripps National
Spelling Bee champion.

That's right, the National
Spelling Bee.

The "Hunger Games" of the mind.

It was filled with
inspiring moments.

Not just from the winners
but the fact that the losers

all went out
with incredible poise.

Just look at this girl
graciously waiting like royalty

and shaking the hands
of all her competitors

before giving the greatest
post-defeat interview ever.

WOMAN: What's next
for you as you take on
the next chapter?

I'm going to go home,
take 24 hours,

and watch every horror
movie on which I can
get my hands.

I love this girl.
"On which I can get my hands."

Even in her darkest moment,
she cannot bring herself

to end a sentence
with a preposition.

I would love to see an athlete
lose with that kind of grace.

Have a quarterback
walk off the field saying,

"Well, yes, they beat me,
but in the next game,

"out is the direction in which
they should be watching.

I bid you good day.
I bid you good day, gentlemen."

Inevitably, most of the children
ended up making mistakes,

although to their credit,
none made as big a mistake

as one of the officials did.

MAN: Vijayawada.

May I have
a sentence, please?

MAN: Tabitha
discovered that while

her milkshake brought
all the boys
to the yard--oh, boy.

Sorry. I was reading
the wrong sentence.

Sorry, the correct sentence is

"Kurt enjoyed a dish of
vijayawada and bitter greens

hard like a rock when you make
that p*ssy pop, pop that p*ssy."

But the kids persevered
through that inexplicable moment

leading to an uplifting
historic finish.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: 13-year-old
Ansun Sujoe

and 14-year-old Sriram Hathwar

claimed a rare dual victory

at the nation's
largest spelling bee.

The face-off ended in a tie

after judges exhausted
the word list.

You know what, after a week of
terrible stories,

military crackdown in Thailand,
VA scandal,

Greek neo-Nazis, it was
truly heartwarming

to see two children celebrating
in a cloud of confetti,

and watch how long it took
for CNN anchor Chris Cuomo

to ruin it.

It feels
pretty good because

not only do I
get the victory

but I get
to share it
with someone else,

so, it means
a lot to me.

CUOMO: Between the two of you,
you're going to have to

figure out a way
to decide who's better.

Is there any kind of other

competition that
you're thinking up,

like where you kind of
meet in an alley

or some predetermined pizzeria

and you just have it out
just for your own sake,

mano a mano at some point?

Well, I think that

we're both
pretty satisfied

with our
performances
yesterday, so,

I don't think
that that's
quite necessary.

[Applause]

Chris Cuomo,
I've got a question.

What the f*ck is
wrong with you?

Who goes to a spelling bee
and when there's a tie,

has the instinct,
"Finish him."

You know, there's a word
for Chris Cuomo,

but I don't know
how to spell it.

Kids, would you mind
helping me?

A...

Yes.

S...

Good.

S...

Go on.

H...
O...

L...
E.

Correct! That's correct.

That's exactly
what Chris Cuomo is.

You are all winners.

Congratulations, everyone!

Thank you so much for watching.

We'll be back next Sunday.

Have a great week.
Good night!

[Cheering and applause]

♪