01x07 - Immigration Reform

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome!

Welcome to
"Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Our guest this evening:
Steven Hawking is our

actual guest this evening.

Very exciting.

But before we begin,
a couple of weeks ago,

we did a piece about
net neutrality,

and there was a moment in it
where we pointed out that

Tom Wheeler, the chair
of the FCC, which is tasked

with regulating
cable companies,

was previously a lobbyist
for the cable industry--

something of
a conflict of interest

that we summarized thusly...

That is the equivalent
of needing a babysitter

and hiring a dingo.

Sure, it's a little
offensive to Australia's

favorite baby-eating animal,
but it means much

for the joke.

And you're probably
wondering why I'm playing

it again now.

Well, on Friday, the FCC
held an open meeting,

and this happened.

I'm just wondering if you
watched the John Oliver

segment about
net neutrality

and what you
thought about it.

[Crowd cheering]

Oh, shit!

That is not good.

So...what did he think?

I think that it
represents the, um...

high level of interest
that exists in the topic

in the country,
and that's good.

Um...

I--I would like to
state for the record that

I'm not a dingo.

[Cheering and applause]

OK. First--first, wow!

And second, we never
said you were a dingo.

We said you were
like a dingo,

but now you're denying
it so strenuously,

I'm honestly starting to
wonder whether you are

actually
a dingo after all.

He even tried to throw
us off the scent by

pretending not to know
what a dingo even is.

I had to go look it up.

It's a feral, wild
animal in Australia.

Here's the thing.

That's exactly
the kind of thing

a dingo would say if he
didn't want anyone to

know he was a dingo.

I mean, just look at
a split screen right now.

The likeness is uncanny.

Think about it.

If you--if you shaved the
one on the left, would it

not look a little like
the guy on the right?

Because now I have lots
more questions, Wheeler,

such as, have you
at any time ever consumed

a swamp wallaby
for its nutrients?

You probably have,
you f*cking dingo.

What's your
answer to that?

I'm not a dingo.

You--you keep
saying that!

But now the burden
of proof is on you.

Unless you can produce
an official document

verified by a licensed
zoologist certifying that

you are, in fact, not a 100%
talking dingo, I don't

think you can complain if
Americans refuse to leave

you alone in rooms
with their babies...

because you'd eat them.

You would eat them.

You filthy dingo.

Moving on.

Moving on to
something unfortunately

far more serious,
it has been a terrible week

in Iraq, even by Iraq's
terrible standards.

REPORTER: Fighters under
black flags have marched south

through Iraq.

The cities have fallen
one by one, from Mosul

in the north to
S*ddam Hussein's hometown

of Takrit--more than


in a matter of days.

They started on Tuesday
and were just outside

Baghdad 5 days later.

Think about that.

They took over a portion
of Iraq as quickly as

Amazon can give
you complimentary

ground shipping.

The group currently
overrunning Iraq calls

themselves !sis, or the
Islamic State of Iraq and Syria,

although they
should probably also be

known now as Turbo Al-Qaeda
because they didn't

just take over much of
Northern Iraq this week.

They went
"Ocean's Eleven" on it.

REPORTER: The militants
are flush with cash.

They robbed Mosul's
central bank, taking over

$400 million according
to the city's governor.

It makes them arguably
the richest

t*rror1st group
in the world.

Wait.

You made $400 million
and exploited half

a country in a week.

What are you, a t*rror1st
group or a hedge fund?

Of--of all--of all
the chilling details that

came out about !sis
this week, this one was

perhaps the worst.

REPORTER: !sis formed in
April last year, growing

out of Al-Qaeda in Iraq,
but it is so extreme that

Al-Qaeda has now
disavowed them.

Wow!

How crazy do you have
to be for Al-Qaeda

to distance themselves
from you?

That's like Liam Neeson
saying, "Look, you're

"going a little
overboard trying to save

"your daughter.

"Have you thought about
going to the embassy?

Official
channels are best."

And finally--finally this
week, the president made

a long-overdue this trip.

BRIAN WILLIAMS:
President Obama focused

on the struggles of
Native Americans today.

He made a visit to the
Standing Rock Sioux reservation,

and with his
visit today, he becomes

only the fourth sitting
president ever to visit

an Indian reservation.

That is pretty amazing.

Only the fourth sitting
president to visit ever.

I mean, technically if
you count non-sitting

presidents, then
Andrew Jackson did visit a lot,

but...you really
shouldn't count that.

But he did visit.

Look. You shouldn't
count it.

During the visit,
the U.S. Department

of Housing and Urban
Development announced

they'd be making
$70 million available to

improve tribal housing
conditions, including

money for mold removal,
to which the Native Americans

presumably said,
"Oh, finally.

OK, we are officially
square.

"It was touch and go for
a few centuries there,

"but at the end of
the day, all we wanted was

our mold removed."

Actually, there was
one other thing

the Native Americans wouldn't
mind if we did, and it

concerns the football team
for some reason not

yet formerly known as
the Washington Redskins.

They still haven't
changed their name

despite the launch just
this week of a new,

emotionally powerful
advertising campaign.

ANNOUNCER: Seminole...

Seneca...

Mohawk...

and Creek.

Mills...

Will Rogers...

Geronimo.

Unyielding,
strong, indomitable.

Native Americans
call themselves many things.

The one thing
they don't...

♪

Wow.

I mean, for the average
American, that ad should

target 1/16 of your
heartstrings and make

the rest feel
extremely guilty.

The strongest possible
pushback you can have

after watching something
amazing like that is,

"Yeah, but, eh...

"no, you're right.
You're right.

"We got to change
the name.

You're right.
You're right."

[Cheering and applause]

But--but one person
remains unmoved,

and unfortunately
he is the only one

that matters.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder
has held firm under some

protest that he will
not change the nickname

of his team.

WOMAN: "Washington Redskins is

"more than a name we have

"called our football team
for over 8 decades.

"It is a symbol of
everything we stand for--

strength, courage,
pride, and respect."

Oh, that's fine, then.

I had no idea you had an
ancient 8-decade history

at stake here.

You are clearly
a proud people who have

suffered greatly.

Please accept my apologies,

O Chief Runs
Without Moral Compass.

It is--it's getting...

[Applause]

It's getting increasingly
hard to make a good

argument for keeping
the Washington Redskins name.

If only there were some
emotionally affecting way

to convey that.

♪

ANNOUNCER: There are
many positions that can

be defended.

Steven Tyler's
still got it.

Cauliflower is
the king of vegetables.

Camping is actually fun.

Music you never
tire of: Mariachi.

Weasels make
the cutest pets.

You should leave that
fourth voicemail.

Every flight
needs more babies.

[Baby crying]

If you don't learn to play
the recorder, you're f*cked.

Philadelphia is
the cultural capital

of America.

If you want to get laid,
become a magician.

Nancy Grace seems nice.

But the one position
that can't be defended

is this...

[Cheering and applause]

Seriously, though...

playing the recorder sets
you up for life, seriously.

Now, moving on,
I'd like to talk

about immigration tonight.

Now, clearly, I have
a vested interest

in this subject.


to America from across

the sea like
a human Fievel.

♪ Somewhere out there

♪ Beneath the pale
moonlight ♪

Immigration
has always been part

of the American story,
and it has definitely

been part of the American
story this week.

NEWS ANCHOR:
House Majority Leader

Eric Cantor going down to

defeat to an unknown

economics professor

by the name of Dave Brat.

REPORTER: The big
issue was immigration.

Brat told Republican
voters in Virginia's

conservative


would support
President Obama

on immigration reform.

WOMAN: This means immigration
reform is 100% dead.

Immigration reform: dead,

and it's probably dead

for the rest of

the Obama presidency.

Immigration reform is dead.

Dead.

Dead as a doornail.

So let's break this down.

Immigration reform, one
of the most important

issues facing America,
has been doornailed to

death by 65,000
Republican primary voters

who could be bothered
to turn up on a Tuesday


the nearest border.

The system works!

The system works!

Although...

although
let's be honest.

Immigration reform
was already dead.

it's just that
Congress has put a hat

and sunglasses on it and
propped it up, hoping no

one would notice,

which is a real shame

because if you've been
watching the news at all

this week, you may have
seen the evidence of just

how badly our immigration
system is broken--

not just the heartbreaking
photos of hundreds

of children being held
in detention facilities

in Arizona,
but also this.

Here's the issue:
if you want to go

from, let's say,
El Salvador

to right here,
to Mission, Texas,

if you want to go
with a VIP coyote,

the guys that bring
you in illegally,

it's gonna cost you
about $9,000.

If you want to do
it on the cheap,

it's gonna cost
you about $2,500.

If you want to cross
the border right

here on the river
behind me

on a jet ski, that's
gonna cost you

an additional
$500 or $600.

That is a weird tone
of voice to be using.

Is that guy delivering
a news report or

an infomercial?

Look.

Call the number on
the bottom of your screen

right now, and you won't
just get a jet ski ride

and the coyote access,
you'll get a counterfeit

Social Security card
and, for some reason,

a Thighmaster.

Call now!

I will say, though,
I think most people would

agree anyone who manages
to immigrate into America

on a jet ski
probably belongs here.

That's--that's
a universal truth.

But--but the immigration
issue always provokes

a strong response,
and that's not just

an American trait.

That is true
the whole world over.

The French want to
preserve their way

of life and don't want
to adopt the cultures,

traditions, and customs
of these foreigners.

MAN: We are fighting
for a Dutch society

without immigrants.

REPORTER: Bulgaria is
constructing

a 30-kilometer fence

along part of its
border with Turkey.

MAN: When these Romanians
or Bulgarians come here,

you're gonna
have a problem.

You haven't seen crime yet,
but you will.

Raah!

That last one honestly
makes me so homesick.

That is the music
of my youth.

I lost my virginity
to the sound of a man

ranting about Bulgarians.

So--so basically,
immigration is

the universal crazy maker,
and believe me, I know.

I come from England.

Hating immigrants is one
of our national pastimes.

It's like cricket or
winning Academy Awards.

We're almost
weirdly good at it.

And we've been
doing it for years.

Well, of course,
there are far too many

immigrants in
this country.

When will the public wake up
to the fact that you

cannot put a quart
into a pint bottle?

My wife and I
used to like to
go out weekends,

down to the local,
have a couple of drinks,

meet friends in there.

We can't go into
the locals anymore.

They're full up
with noisy foreigners.

After going through two
world wars, we should

at least have the dignity
of being allowed to live

with our own kind.

That lady missed
some key lessons

from those world wars.

"The Nazis must be
defeated so we can create

an England pure of race
and genetically superior."

At least--but look.

At least England has
an excuse for being

that stupid.

It's just too old.

Americans don't
have that excuse.

You're a young enough
nation that you can

actually dress up like
your earliest ancestors

in this country.

If you asked an English
person to do that, they'd

show up looking confused,
wearing a cloak

and deer antlers
and waving a wand around.

"Is this it?

"Merlin went
through a wardrobe.

Is this it?"

Immigrants have been
good to America.

They've created
some of your most

American things.

"God Bless America"--
written by a Siberian.

Levi's jeans--a Bavarian.

The White House--designed
by an Irishman.

Superman--a Kryptonian,
who--who was co-created

by a Canadian.

And in return,
America has been good

for immigrants.

Sure, yeah, people should
not come here illegally,

but can you blame them?

It's great here.

You guys--yes.

You guys have done--
it's awesome.

And you guys have done
an amazing job

of branding yourselves.

This is the land
of Captain America,

the Mall of America,

American Girl dolls,

the "American Pie" movies.

I mean, think, you took
the most iconic foodstuff

in this land
and monetized a movie

about f*cking it.

Is it any wonder people
want to live here?

I did, and it's
worked out great.

So--so if America is
good for immigrants

and vice versa, why do some
people want to clamp down

on immigration?

Let's start by asking
the man who pushed the issue

to the fore this week,
Eric Cantor's vanquisher

Dave Brat.

BRAT: We clearly cannot import


on the planet into
the United States of America.

It's just a non-starter.

Yeah, except no one's
saying we should import



Congratulations, Dave.

You've just constructed
a straw man so large,

you could burn it in
the desert and hold

an annoying
festival around it.

And--and the thing is,
that's the problem

with the immigration
debate right now.

Those like me and most
Americans who would like some

kind of immigration
reform have our voices

drowned out by--and,
look, this is gonna sound

a little bit prejudiced,
but drowned out by a lot

of opinions unsupported
by documentation.

Let's call them
"undocumented opinions,"

which have flooded
all over this country,

threatening
the American way of life.

If only--if only we
could build some kind

of barrier to protect
ourselves from them--

a fence, if you
will, of facts.

Let's try.

Here comes one of those
undocumented opinions

right now.

You're bringing in
workers to take jobs from

unemployed Americans.

Oh, that's
just a classic.

Undocumented workers
take American jobs.

The problem with that
is that it's not true,

but it feels like it
might be--

like bears only have sex
face to face or...

or...

or...

or every vag*na starts closed,

and doctors
have to happen it...

or the only difference
between

peanut butter and mustard
is the amount of salts,

because--because
multiple sources,

including the conservative
American Enterprise Institute,

have said there is no
evidence of immigrants hurting

American employment.

Just as, I repeat, there
is no evidence that bears

only have sex
face to face.

They only do it sometimes
on anniversaries.

Just...

OK, so...

"Look at me!

Happy birthday!"

OK.

OK. So what's another
undocumented opinion that

needs to be stopped
from entering people's

ears illegally?

For every one who's
a valedictorian,

there's another 100
out there that

they weigh 130 pounds,
and they got calves

the size of cantaloupes
because they're

hauling 75 pounds
of marijuana across
the desert.

What?

What did you just say?

Calves the size
of cantaloupes?

That is magnificent.

I mean, put aside that
there are countless

studies that debunk
the notion that immigrants

are especially prone to
crime at all, and just

relish for a moment how
he poetically presented

that bigoted bullshit.

Cantaloupe calved,
they did burrow

through the border,

their arms moist
and sinewy like ropes

upon a ship's mast.

I might hate what you're
saying, Steve King, but I

sure do love
the way you say it.

But even if you can
stop the undocumented

arguments that when
immigrants aren't

stealing American jobs,
they're acting as

melonesque drug mules,
there is one argument

that still always
seems to get through.

This is President Obama's
number one political

agenda item because he
knows we will never again

have a Republican
president, ever, if

amnesty goes into effect.

Right. Right. OK. OK.

So...

[Applause]

So the argument is we
can't let the immigrants

in because they'll never
vote for us, to which--

to which I might
have a solution.

What if--and this is
gonna sound crazy--

you just tried
treating them better?

Maybe...

maybe even as if--
I don't want to

push you outside your
comfort zone--maybe even

as if they're human beings
who might have

something hypothetically
to offer the country.

Because, let me tell you,
I've been through

the immigration process
under the best possible

scenario,
and it was still hell.

At this point, the poem
in the base of

the Statue of Liberty--

"Give me your tired,
your poor,

your huddled masses"--

is starting to constitute
false advertising.

I would say the FCC
should get involved,

but they're currently
being run by

a human dingo.

I am not a dingo.

Yeah. Prove it!

Prove it!

That's on you!

Look.

Look. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

I was 10 years old
when I first saw

"An American Tail,"
and I thought, "Yes!

"That looks delightful.

"Sure, there's a moldy,
unpleasant boat ride

"at the beginning,
but after that, you get to

"take a flight around
New York on an inexplicably

French pigeon."

But to the modern
immigrant, that film is

now a lie, a lie told
by a friendly rodent.

So--so if we can't update
our immigration policy,

at the very least we need
to update that movie to

reflect what the current
immigration experience is

actually like.

NARRATOR: In 2014,
a little mouse made

a big journey
to a faraway land.

America!

What a place!

It's "An Actual
American Tail."

[Foghorn blows]

That'll be 500
for you and your
whore sister.

But, sir, my sister
asphyxiated

a few days ago.

That right?

That'll be another
hundred to ditch

the corpse, then.

Oh.

NARRATOR: Human rights
critics call

"An Actual American Tail"...

and...

You've never seen America
till you've seen it

though Fievel's eyes.

Listen. These mice
come over here,

they take our jobs
and eat our cheese,

and what do we get
in return?

Nothing.
I'm sick of it.

They need to go back to
whatever mouse hole

they crawled out of.

NARRATOR: Find out what
happens when Fievel is

forced to take a job
at a mousetrap factory.

Ow!

I'm gonna deduct the cost
of that trap from your pay,

you piece of shit.

And discover what you do
when you can't risk going

to the emergency room.

And coming next year,
watch what happens when

Fievel tucks his severed
tail between his legs

and attempts to come
back legally in...

I'll go home and come
back the right way.

Featuring 9 solid hours
of Fievel being gradually

crushed by a broken
system, hamstrung by

the lack of any political
will for reform

with endless waiting,
livened up by

the occasional
mandatory blood test.

Ow!

Watch as Fievel
fills out forms,

calls the attorney
he can't afford,

and lives in a state
of constant panic that

his application will be

denied for reasons such as...

or even...

Yes, next summer, bring
the family, and watch

the heartwarming tale
of Fievel becoming both

inmate and executioner in
a prison of his own mind.

[Crying]

You can do it, Fievel.

You can do it!

It's just going to
be impossibly,

impossibly hard.

And now this.

ANNOUNCER:
Across a broad expanse

of history there have
been billions upon

billions of idiots,
as well as a handful

of smart people.

We interviewed some of
the latter group for our

ongoing series...

This week's people
who thinks good...

[Cheering and applause]

OLIVER: Professor
Stephen Hawking is a pioneering

physicist, international
best-selling author,

and a popular guest
character on "The Simpsons."

If you are looking for
trouble, you found it.

Yeah, just try
me, you--

Ohh!

OLIVER: His breakthrough
work on black holes

and string theory is
considered hugely

important by anyone
who pretends to

understand it.

HAWKING: An expanding universe
does not preclude

a creator.

OLIVER: I traveled to
the Department of Applied

Mathematics
and Theoretical Physics

at Cambridge University
to speak with one

of the world's
greatest living minds.

First off,
congratulations on being

the first subject of our
"Great Minds" series.

Be honest.

Is this the single
greatest honor you

have ever received?

Yes.

Good.

It's a little hard to
read your tone of voice.

When you say that, are
you being sarcastic?

Yes.

I thought so.

If there was one thing
you want people to

understand about your
work, bearing in mind

that most people
will never

understand anything
about your work,

what would that
thing be?

Ugh. Idiots.

People are such idiots
because presumably,

to my mind, you're
simply talking

about the theoretical
measurement obtained

from real time by
a Wick rotation

of Pi divided by
two in the complex plane

where t=r times t.

It's not difficult
to get your head around.

Um, let's talk about
artificial intelligence.

In a recent
op-ed column,

you said, and I quote,

"Success in creating
artificial intelligence

"would be the biggest
event in human history.

Unfortunately, it might
also be the last."

Are you saying that
robots are going to

destroy humanity,
and is that a scientific

argument or the pitch
for an amazing movie?

I know you're trying
to get people to be

cautious there,
but why should I not be

excited about
fighting a robot?

Well, OK. To start,

we don't know
that, do we?

We don't know that for
sure because what could

a robot do that I
couldn't then fight back

by simply just
unplugging him, right?

Holy shit! That's
the most terrifying

story I've ever heard.

Yes.
Hold on.

Who is talking
to me right now?

Is it you, or is
the sentient computer

pretending to talk
on your behalf?

Yeah, but how do I
know that, professor?

Because if computers
have become sentient,

what better way to
convince people
they haven't than

by co-opting the voice

of the most
intelligent man
on the planet?

Yeah, but who's saying
that, Stephen,

you or the machine?

OK. All right.

Well, that's actually
quite reassuring.

You've stated that you
believe there could be

an infinite number
of parallel universes.

Does that mean there
is a universe out there

where I am smarter
than you?

OK. All right. Look.

If you're so smart, what
number am I thinking of?



Do you--it--it
it was 13.

I was thinking of 13.

OK, that was
a lucky guess.

What am I
thinking right now?

I wasn't thinking that.

Why would I think that?

You know, I'm trying
as hard as I can.

Why is that so hard
for them to understand?

Hypothetically.

I wasn't thinking that.

Let's do some quick
yes or no questions.

Are the following things
technically possible?

Life on other
planets--is that

theoretically possible?

Yes.

OK.

Uh...what about a
Schwarzschild wormhole?

Yes.

OK. What about this?

Me going on a date
with Charlize Theron?

No.

Not at all,
in no universe?

No.

In none of
the infinite universes

does that happen?

No.

It's completely beyond
the bounds of scientific

possibility, is
what you're saying?

Yes.

Uh, quick follow-up
question.

In any of those
potential universes,

am I the one
rejecting her

and that's why it
doesn't work out?

No.

OK, sure, yeah.

It's just I'm trying to
play this out

because I'm just
trying to see

if there was any
hypothetical hope.

No.

It doesn't matter,
but never say never.

OK.

If time travel were
possible, would you want

to go back in time
and refuse to do

this interview?

Yes.

You truly are an
incredibly smart man.

Stephen Hawking,
thank you so much
for your time.

That's our show.

Thank you so much
for watching.

My huge thanks to
Stephen Hawking.

If you want to watch
the extended interview

with him, go here.

Thanks very much.
Have a good week!

[Cheering and applause]