02x10 - The Understudy

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Futtstein says, "Experience is the best teacher."

I agree, mainly because

experience can't give you homework or pop quizzes.

And there are some things you have to learn for yourself,

like say you lend your friend your favorite sweater,

and she promises to return it in good condition.

Here's your sweater. I had your sweater cleaned.

In what--toxic waste?

And what about the things we learn

from the experience of our taste buds?

No matter how good it looks, anything made from tofu...

Tofu pizza?

Will absolutely, completely, and totally

always taste like tofu.

And, of course we can learn a lot about our relatives

by judging from past experience.

This time, I know I got you exactly what you wanted.

For example, no matter how many hints you drop,

Aunt Dorney will still think that hat-scarf-mitten sets

are ideal gifts for teen-age girls.

Wow, Aunt Dorney. How did you guess?

And most importantly,

remember this age-old life lesson.

If it was embarrassing once, it will be again.

And embarrassment is my least favorite emotion.

It's time again for the school play.

And if I've learned from experience,

I've got to get out of it.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

[pensive music]

♪

Well, it's that time of year again--

the chance to humiliate myself

by singing off-key in dorky tights

in front of everyone's parents.

No, it's not some bizarre form of teenage t*rture.

It's the annual school play.

Last year's highlight was when I fell through the backdrop

of the Swiss mountains during "Edelweiss"

inThe Sound of Music.

Then it wasBye Bye Birdie.

My costume split when I hit high "C."

Bye, bye, any shred of human dignity.

This year's t*rture-- The Pirates of Penzance,

and I'm ready to jump ship.

[ladder bangs]

Sam, what happened?

It's good news.

They canceled the school play?

No, Mr. Gildenov posted the cast list

and you got the part of your dreams.

My only dream is to get out of this play.

Well, you're in luck.

He didn't cast you as the lead.

He cast Sarabeth Decklebaum and Ira Corntrodder are leads.

You're Sarabeth's understudy.

The understudy? Wow, the understudy!

I get to be in the play without being in the play.

I have no lines, no songs, no costumes,

no love scenes with Ira "Drool Lips" Corntrodder.

So what part did you get?

I'm pirate number .

Great.

Yeah, but...

What if I hurl the second the curtain rises?

What if my voice changes again?

What if I forget all my lines?

Sam, you don't have any lines,

just a couple of yo-ho-hos.

Hey, Clarissa, Mr. Gildenov said there are no small parts,

only small actors.

Oh, you mean Pee-Wee Pumperdink got cast again?

He's pirate number two.

So do you want me to run your lines with you?

But I don't have any lines.

Clarissa, you have to learn the part

just in case, that's what the understudy does.

Sam, Sarabeth is the biggest ham

at Thomas Tupper Junior High.

She hasn't missed a day ofschool

since George Bush was elected.

You're right. She'd never miss a performance.

Being the understudy is like being Princess Di,

a job with major fringe benefits and no downsides.

Yeah. You're right.

You still get to fill the requirement,

hang out with everyone,

and get your name in the program.

But the potential for public humiliation

has been completely eliminated.

Not for me.

I still have to learn how to buckle my swash.

That's swashbuckle, Sam.

Oh, right.

Gee, mom. This looks scintillating.

Why, thank you, Ferguson.

I had to sift through three cookbooks

to find a recipe for macrobiotic grub.

Grub? We're having grub for dinner?

We're having pirate grub

in honor of your part in the school play, Clarissa.

Mom, you shouldn't have. I'm only the understudy.

Oh, an understudy-- does that make you

a has-been or never-was?

Oh.

Ahoy, maties!

Ahoy!

Ahoy! Ooh, I picked up some

pirate grog on the way home.

Well, all right, it's seltzer,

but I hear those pirates love fizzy water.

I'm trying to explain to Clarissa

that the understudy is a very important part of any show.

I remember when I had the lead

in our college production ofHair,

this one understudy had to sub for seven parts

when half the cast got mono.

There are no small parts.

I know, I know, only small actors.

Oh, so you mean Pee-Wee Pumperdink got cast again?

I guess there are also invisible actors

like understudies.

Ferguson.

I guess everything just seems invisible to you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, do you sit inches from the television

just to count the pixels?

Ferguson, have you been having trouble with your vision?

No, I can see perfectly fine.

Well, we'll check with the eye doctor just in case, hm?

Maybe you can get some thick black glasses

with matching pen-pocket case.

I don't need glasses,

I need a paper bag to put over your head!

Now, what is wrong with glasses?

I'll have you know that I played many a romantic lead

in theater class wearing glasses--

Don Quixote, Sir Lancelot, Tevye.

Janet, do you remember we were inSouth Pacific

together and my glasses got stuck in the tiki hut?

How could I forget?

Oh, hey!

Let's take down that box of show-tune albums

and cut loose the way we used to.

You guys can sing along.

Yeah! That sounds like a great idea.

Uh-oh. I'd rather not hear what's coming up.

Can't we just play charades?

[Janet] Let's play that one again.

[Marshall] It was better live, though, wasn't it?

[Janet] Oh, you sang that so well, Marshall.

[Marshall] I always loved that song.

[both laughing]

Okay.

My parents have been on a Broadway musical kick

for two whole weeks,

and they're only up to "K"--

Kismet, Kiss Me Kate, andThe King and I.

When they get toSeven Brides for Seven Brothers,

I'll be living in my own apartment.

Let's face it, musicals are completely illogical,

ridiculously nonsensical,

and they have nothing whatsoever

to do with real life.

In musicals,

people break into song anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

Imagine if that happened in real life.

♪ Oh, Janet, say, Janet

♪ Do you have the sports section? ♪

♪ Why, Marshall, yes, Marshall ♪

♪ I have the sports section ♪

[Clarissa] A chorus line can suddenly pop out of nowhere.

Isn't that just a tad hard to swallow?

[rousing chorus music]

♪ Sports, sports, sports are really special ♪

♪ Travel, arts, and funnies, too ♪

♪ You can choose your favorite section ♪

♪ There's a fabulous selection ♪

♪ When you read the news ♪

[applause]

[Clarissa] Then there's the curtain call,

where all the actors get showered in praise

just because they got to make believe for two hours.

♪

How come we never get encores

for the things we really accomplish?

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Okay, tell me one thing. Just how stupid do I look?

You don't look stupid at all,

well, except for that eye patch,

[soft laugh] and the frilly collar,

maybe those knickers and silk knee socks,

and I guess those buckles on your shoes.

But other than that, you look great.

I have to dance the jig in this!

Don't worry, Sam. You're pirate number .

There'll be other pirates will look just as stupid.

At least you get to plunder and pillage.

No, we don't. We're happy, cute pirates.

We only go yo-ho-ho, remember? You know the story, don't you?

Actually, I haven't gotten around to

reading the script yet.

We've been rehearsing all this time,

and you haven't even read the script?

Hey, you know, I've been catching up on my doodling.

You're living dangerously.

What do you mean?

I'm sure Sarabeth is a fantastic Mabel.

Yeah, except for her star trips.

She's insisting on her own dressing room.

That's better than the year she played a tree

and requested a trailer and personal masseuse.

After Mr. Gildenov spent an hour explaining why

she couldn't have her own hair and make-up artists,

she refused to rehearse.

She claimed her throat hurt.

Actors are so temperamental. She'll get over it.

I better work go on my jig.

I suggest you at least read the script.

I will. I will.

I will later.

Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?

[playing show tune]

♪

oh, they don't make Broadway like that anymore.

I thought your father was just a Grateful Dead fanatic,

but when I found out he had a soft spot forGypsy,

I fell totally in love.

Gee, mom and dad, what a story--

a man and a woman making beautiful musicals together.

What should we listen to next? Man of La Mancha?

Ah, to dream the impossible dream.

Let me get this straight, i

f you take that big black plastic thing

and scrape that needle thing across it,

music will come out?

Yeah, that's right, sport. Believe it or not,

that's how we used to listen to music

back in the dark ages of the sixties and seventies.

Hey! Maybe these would make really neat frisbees,

or we could melt them down to make

extra dorky eyeglass frames for Ferguson.

Oh, that's right.

Ferguson, don't forget your eye examination.

You have an appointment with Dr. Lemonderg.

Perhaps we could donate my appointment

to somebody who really needs glasses.

I don't really need glasses.

I have a... a unique vision.

Oh, Ferguson, you know, glasses lend you

an air of sophistication, yeah.

Of elegance, superior intellect.

Some of the most brilliant minds of the th century

wore eyeglasses--

Elbert Einstein, Franklin Roosevelt, your father.

And there are great eyeglass frames these days.

Yyou don't have to wear something old-fashioned.

Are you saying that my glasses are old-fashioned?

Well, they are pretty dad-like, dad.

Oh. Dad-like.

Clarissa, your show is tomorrow night.

Shouldn't you be at rehearsal?

Mom, actors need lots of room to concentrate.

Understudies like me can help the actors most

by staying as far out of the way as possible.

They don't need me in that crowded auditorium

sucking up all the oxygen.

Besides, I'm really kind of tired.

It's your job to be there.

You're right.

I better go pack up, drop in, and stand by.

[funky music]

♪

Okay, maybe it's time for me to cruise on over

for the last few minutes of rehearsal.

Here's what I'm packing in my anti-boredom kit--

personal headset to listen to cool music

instead of the goofy stuff in the play,

magic markers to doodle on my script while I have it open

to make it look like I'm following along,

and a black beret and turtleneck

to look like I'm a real thespian

while I'm hanging out.

Hi, Sam.

Aren't you supposed to be at rehearsal?

Clarissa, you better get over to the auditorium right now.

I was just on my way, but what are you doing here?

I came over here to get you over there.

Hey. Chill, Sam.

One of the perks of being the understudy

is getting to go to rehearsal late

without anybody noticing.

It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

It's Sarabeth.

She has strep throat and you're on.

No way.

Sarabeth doesn't get sick ever!

I guess everybody has to get sick sometime in their lives.

I'm not sick. You're not sick.

How can Sarabeth get sick?

Maybe cracking the script open once

would have been a good idea.

Sam, I have less than a day to learn all of Mabel's lines

and an entire operetta.

Don't panic. You'll be fine.

On the other hand, you could crumble down

like the Berlin Wall.

Thanks, Sam.

I'm just trying to be realistic.

This going to take a lot of work and a miracle.

I feel like I'm already on the pirate ship

and about to walk the plank.

[dramatic music]

[waves splashing]

I told you to learn your lines, fool.

Now, walk! Walk the plank!

Walk!

Walk! Walk!

[splash]

[laughter]

[harp glissando]

There's no escape, Sam.

Yeah, it's pretty brutal.

If I don't think of something by tomorrow night,

I'll be up on the stage

taking a plunge.

[upbeat music]

♪

All right, it's been one nightmare after another,

and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.

The biggest nightmare of all?

Ferguson's offered to help me learn my lines,

and I've accepted.

Okay, so I'm desperate.

It's too late to look a gift devil in the mouth.

Ready, sis?

I hope you found the study cards I made for you useful.

Yeah. I can't believe you're helping me.

Hey, what's a brother for?

Not to mention, if you're publicly humiliated on stage,

you'll ruin the reputation of the entire family.

Now, let's get cracking.

Yum-Yum, at last we are alone!

Modified rapture!

Why do you not refuse him?

What good would that do?

He won't let me marry you.

I got it!

You're really coming along, sis.

That's one line down.

I've got the rest down too. Let's keep going.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

How's it going?

I'm fine. You seem pretty calm.

I've got all my lines memorized. Want to hear?

No, I think it's more important to keep studying.

Listen, Sam.

The sun whose rays are all ablaze

with everliving glory does not deny his majesty.

Not bad, huh?

It's kind of nice, but what play is it from?

The Pirates--

What do you mean what play is it from?

I mean, I've never heard it before.

Nanki-poo, if you please,

the laws against flirting are excessively severe.

Ring a bell? Isn't thatPirates of Penzance?

Clarissa, I've been at rehearsals

every day, and that's new.

Sam, you were probably dozing off at the stern.

No, wait a second.

Nanki-poo's not fromPirates of Penzance.

That'sThe Mikado.

Ferguson!

Oh, I guess I made a mistake, you know?

I must have mixed in the lines from the wrong play.

Hey, it was the only Gilbert and Sullivan play

I could find.

Hey, chalk it up to my impaired vision.

You're about to have an impaired face.

No one will know the difference.

Those old plays all sound alike.

Get out, Ferg-face, now!

Relax. You still have the rest of your life

to learn the play.

Of course, after tomorrow, it will be too late.

Okay, so I don't know my lines.

What's the worst that could happen?

Well, the audience can whip itself into a frenzy,

pelt you with tomatoes, and laugh you off the stage.

This is a nightmare.

At least when you cram fora test,

you don't have to take it in front of an audience.

Hey, it will just be people you know

and your parents and your teachers

and your principal.

The show must go on,

but it doesn't have to go on with me in it.

It's time for my backup backup plan.

What are you doing? You can't run away.

There's no understudy for the understudy.

I'm not running away.

I'm making a care package for Sarabeth--

throat spray, lozenges, and chicken soup.

I've got to get her well if it's the last thing I do.

Maybe you should just accept the fact that you're Mabel

and start getting into character.

Do I look like Mabel?

Mabel's at home in desperate need of TLC.

What are you doing?

Ordering one large ham to go.

Hello, Mr. Decklebaum. Is Sarabeth there?

This is Sarabeth?

Oh. This is Clarissa.

I know. I am.

Well, I just wanted to let you know

that a scout fromStar Search

is gonna be in the audience tomorrow night.

It's true.

This could be your only sh*t.

Please. Chug some O.J. and get it together, Sarabeth.

Can't you at least try gargling?

No. This is not because I don't know my lines.

I see.

Thanks.

You, too.

Oh, gee.

Not happening, huh?

Well, she told me to break a leg,

then an arm,

then the other arm.

Well, you get the idea.

[upbeat music]

♪ Ba da dum da dum da da da dum ♪

♪ Ba dum da da da da

♪ Da da da da dum ♪

How did it go?

I'm doomed. Great.

Dr. Lemonderg says Ferguson doesn't need glasses.

Oh, Ferguson, that's good news.

But I want glasses.

I need glasses.

I'd look great in glasses.

Yeah, right, well, the only thing wrong with

Ferguson's vision is excessive game pack playing.

He's got eye strain.

We restricted game pack to one hour a day.

Yeah, well, the doctor says this usually happens

after a couple hours of daily use.

Ferguson.

[laughs] Mom, do you think that

I would ever abuse the privilege

you so generously bestow upon me?

Can I answer that one?

Now, while I was picking up Ferguson's eye drops,

I figured I might as well investigate

a, you know, a new look for myself,

so, uh...

[jazzy music]

What do you think?

Whoa, dad. Pretty rad.

Yeah, well, you know,

plain glasses can be so dull.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It suits you, Marshall.

Okay, fine, fine.

I'll just stick with the dullard look, then.

That's not what I meant.

I meant that your glasses suit you and that you're not boring.

Yeah, Dad. The dad look is you.

Thanks, sport.

Oh, are you ready for opening night?

Ready as ever.

Speaking of which, Marshall, look what I found

mixed in with the show tunes.

[Marshall's voice] Tomorrow and tomorrow

and tomorrow creeps in its petty pace from day to day

till all our yesterdays have lighted fools

the way to dusty death.

Wow, dad. They recorded you.

Where's the video?

No, it was just me in our college production ofMacbeth.

Your finest role, Marshall.

See, I made that recording

as sort of a memory aid, sleep therapy thing, see?

I would play that over and over in my sleep

until I knew all the lines.

Wow. Really?

That's incredible, dad!

It's great that it really worked.

Thanks. You've saved my life.

Sport.

You really think my performance was good?

Well...Yeah. More than you know.

Recording technology is the best.

I'm so happy that we live in the th century.

This calls for a really good night's sleep.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

[instrumental music]

Did ever a maiden wake from dream of homely duty

to find her daylight break with such exceeding beauty?

Yes! A star is born!

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

There's no business like show business

like no business I know.

Wow, you've had a change in attitude.

What happened?

I know my lines.

You know your lines. No way.

Way. Go on. Cue me.

He has acted shamefully.

You speak falsely. You know nothing about it.

He has acted nobly.

Wow! You might just pull this off.

Just one question.

How did you memorize your entire part so fast?

In my dreams.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about sleep therapy, Sam.

I wonder--how did understudies manage

in the days before recording technology?

You recorded your lines on tape?

Right, and I've had this headset on nonstop.

I went to sleep early and let the lines play over and over.

It's an actor's dream.

Come on. Let's try some more.

And so farewell.

No. No. Ah, Frederic, hear me.

If you believe in fairies, clap your hands.

What?

Wait, where was I?

Oh, yes. How great thy charm.

Thy sway, how excellent. Where for art thou, Romeo?

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Clarissa, get a grip!

This is a nightmare, Sam.

This sleep therapy thing was working so well.

I dreamt I could do every role. I went from

Pireates to Peter Pan toRomeo and Juliet.

Looks like state-of-the-art is in a sorry state.

I'm doomed.

Well, w still have a whole hour.

What am I going to do?

It looked so good on paper.

Hey, that's it!

Paper.

What are you talking about?

You'll see. Don't worry.

I've got it all under control.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

Hey, great job, Clarissa.

Thank you, Mr. Futtstein.

Oh, Clarissa. We are so proud of you.

Hey, sport, you were fantastic.

Yeah, it was incredible you learned your lines

given your remedial reading skills,

but even I have to admit you weren't all that bad.

Thanks, Ferg-brain.

Oh, Samuel, you made a sensational pirate!

Thanks, Mrs. Darling,

But I never knew you could get sick on a fake ship.

It's a sign of good acting,Samuel.

Yeah. You and Pee-Wee Pumperdink were the only

parts who turned a convincing shade of green.

Yeah, all right, come on, Ferguson.

In fact, let's all go home.

Have fun at the cast party.

Thanks. Bye.

Bye. Bye. You were terrific.

Bye. You were wonderful.

Oh, I'll never do that again.

How did you do it? You knew every line,

every song, every cue.

Sam. Sam. Sam. It was nothing.

Just a whole lot of paper.

Whoa! I've never seen so many crib sheets.

This must be a world's record.

I'm just glad that the play wasn't any longer.

I was beginning to run out of fabric.

Sam, next time I understudy,

remind me to overstudy.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it