02x06 - The Misguidance Counselor

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

- Okay, time for another normal start

of another normal day

in the ever-normal Darling household.

According to my normal meter, the most normal way

to begin the day is by brushing your teeth.

But wait,

Is it more normal to squeeze the toothpaste

from the bottom or the middle of the tube?

Personally,

I'm an upper-right-hand corner squeezer myself.

Whoa, looks like this squeeze takes me

way into the abnormal zone.

Next, brushing your hair.

There are so many possibilities:

brush or comb, hard bristle or soft bristle,

wide-tooth or no tooth.

I suggest brushing your hair while bouncing up and down

to wake up those brain cells.

[device beeping]

Okay, so it's not normal, but at least it's not boring.

And, hey, this could be normal somewhere, like on Mars.

[knock on door] - Let me in!

- And now the most challenging part of the morning:

do I let Ferguson in, or do I sit down,

file my nails, and make him suffer?

[knock on door]

- Hey, amoeba brain, it's my turn.

- Looks like that's a pretty easy choice.

Wait, I wonder why that's registering normal.

Normal for me, I guess, and that's just the problem,

because I've realized that normal for me

may not be normal for anybody else.

[device beeping]

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- Okay, I'm not really sure what normal is,

but I have a feeling this isn't it.

Now, normally, I wouldn't care, but the self-appointed

keeper of normal wants to keep me in line.

Let me introduce you

to the school guidance counselor, Mrs. Cheesebrow.

Who is this Mrs. Cheesebrow?

Well, let me put it this way:

she's the kind of person who buttons every button,

even when they belong to somebody else.

- There, dear. Now you're fastened.

- She keeps a drawer full of sharpened number two pencils

just in case. In case what?

She's called upon to supply writing utensils

for an entire statewide pop quiz?

And every afternoon at : p.m. sharp,

she enjoys her favorite snack:

a single slice of white bread, nothing on it.

And there you have it, the world of Mrs. Cheesebrow.

The scary thing is, she wants me to be a part of it.

After consecutive meetings with me,

I thought she'd give up.

But that was before meeting number .

Let's go back, way back to hours this morning.

- [sighs] Nice to see you, Clarissa.

You know why you're here again?

- Because I got a note in homeroom

telling me to be here again?

- You are a hard nut to cr*ck, Clarissa.

Do you understand what I'm trying to accomplish?

- Well, you're the guidance counselor,

so I guess you're trying to guide me.

- That's right.

I try to provide the guidance young men and women need

as they embark on that long journey down life's rocky road.

- Personally, I like to think of it

as a pistachio almond fudge ripple road.

- Frankly, that's why I'm worried, Clarissa.

You just don't seem to take your future seriously enough.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow, you've been worried about me for two years.

What do you say we call a truce?

- Clarissa, you have too much potential

for me to leave it untapped.

Now, let's take a look at your career aptitude test.

Do you know what all these "undecideds" tell me?

- That I was undecided?

- Isn't there anything you want to be when you grow up?

- Sure, lots of things.

Right now, it's a toss-up between

Formula race car driver and Tahitian pearl farmer.

- Oh, Clarissa, Clarissa, Clarissa.

You don't want to grow up to be a kook, do you?

- I don't know, what are the hours?

Just kidding.

- I think it's time to take a careful look...

[sighs] At my three Fs.

- Exsqueeze me?

- You must learn to focus on the goals at hand,

to have fusion with positive peer groups,

and to follow through with set tasks.

Focus, fusion, and follow-through

are the keys to fitting in.

- But what if I don't want to fit in?

- It's the only way to avoid that terrible drift into the...

abnormal.

Clarissa, you remind me of myself when I was your age.

- No way! - Yes, Clarissa.

I was once just as confused as you are,

but I found my way back on track

and now I've decided to help you.

- That's okay. Really, you don't have to.

- I've taken the liberty of signing you up

for some nice, normal wholesome teenage girl activities.

We'll just keep meeting here until you fit in.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow, I'd love to keep meeting with you

for the rest of my life, but let's make a deal.

I'll try these activities for a week,

but if I still don't fit in,

will you try to accept me for who I am?

- Trust me, Clarissa.

If you report to me every day this week,

have no fear, you will be cured.

- I will be sick.

Home economics, the dance decorating committee?

Cheerleading?

Yuck, yuck, and double yuck.

Well, I've just got to make it through this week

to convince Mrs. Cheesebrow I'm as normal as a baked potato,

otherwise, it may be a lifetime of meetings

with the guidance counselor from hell.

As the only abnormal daughter

of two perfectly normal parents,

I better go straight to the source.

♪

- This is great.

When the kids walk through this tunnel, they're gonna feel

like they're , leagues under the sea.

- Well, you're gonna need a right turn here

if you want your tunnel to fit into the exhibition space.

- No, no, no, actually, I think it's a left turn.

- No, Marshall, the giant foam rubber octopus

will be to the left.

Here, let me show you.

- I thought I was supposed to be the abnormal one.

- Oh, hi, Clarissa.

- What's going on?

- I hired your father to create

a new exhibit for the children's museum.

- Yeah, your mother's the toughest boss I've ever had.

Now, sport, can you come on down here and help me?

I want you to crawl to your left here.

See, I want to show your mother what I mean.

- Sure. - All right.

- I can't right now. Um...

It's just not normal to crawl around on the floor

when you're past teething age.

- I don't know, Marshall,

this journey under the sea tunnel needs work.

- Hey, I'm telling you, it's perfect.

- I'll be the one to decide that.

- All right, whatever you say, boss.

♪

- So much for normal parents.

I better go see if there's something normal to eat.

- The crunchy gristle

of slightly overcooked potatoes Francé--

in common argot, French fries-- provided a pungent counterpart

to the subtle patina of grease on the kielbasa on a stick.

All in all, a heady bouquet.

- What are you dictating, a journal of personal hygiene?

- I happen to be the new restaurant critic

at the school paper.

I'll be introducing

Chubby Wong's Roadside Kielbasa, Pastrami,

and Soft Taco Emporium to my less knowledgeable public.

- Well, you'd better hope your public

doesn't know how to read.

- Mock me if you will, but guess who will be dining

for free at all the choice spots in town?

Eat your heart out, sis.

- Probably tastier than Chubby Wong's grease on a stick.

- Then there was the exquisitely prepared sauce

of tomato puree-- in common argot, ketchup.

- Why are normal families so...weird?

[ladder bangs] Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

- Hi, Clarissa.

- You know, Sam, normal people

tend to enter through doors, not windows.

- So?

- So there's a normal way to do things,

and entering through the window is definitely abnormal.

- Since when are you interested in doing things the normal way?

- Since my meeting with Mrs. Cheesebrow.

- Again?

Haven't you met with her enough?

- She's made me her special case.

- Uh-oh.

Maybe I'm a special case of guilt by association.

I'm supposed to meet with her next week.

- Well, you better get normal fast

if you don't want to be forced to join the glee club.

- I didn't even know there still was a glee club.

Isn't that a 's thing?

- Sam, you're obviously already stumbling

through the wilderness of weird.

- Cool.

- Not according to Mrs. Cheesebrow.

- But I thought you liked being weird.

- Yeah, but Mrs. Cheesebrow thinks that cheerleading

is the antidote to weird.

She signed me up as apprentice pom-pom-er.

- And you're going to pom-pom?

- It's the only way to get her off my back.

Besides, I'm trying to keep an open mind.

You never know, she could be right.

- Doubtful.

- Well, think about it.

What if I'm on the fast-track to loser

and I don't even know it?

- Clarissa, this woman is totally messing with your head.

- I know. She's got me all confused.

What is normal, anyway?

- Who cares?

My mom used to tell me, it's good not to know much

when you're a kid because when you grow up,

you realize everything you know is wrong anyway.

But then again, my mom is still touring with the roller derby.

- Sam, weird is fun now,

but in a few years, it might not be so cute.

If I keep cruising down the road less traveled by,

just think where I might end up...

[quirky music]

The end of the world is near! Listen to me!

I know what I'm saying!

Read my pamphlet on why the theory of relativity is wrong!

Homemade pot holders for sale!

Get them while you're still alive!

- You're gonna have to come with me.

I'm sorry, but you just don't fit in.

[dejected music]

Get in there.

- Let me out! I'll fit in!

I'll fit in! Give me another chance!

I promise, I'll be normal! I'll fit in!

What a nightmare.

I'd better break out my pom-poms

and get with the program.

- Just don't let the program break you.

- Don't worry, Sam.

You better study up on normal

before Mrs. Cheesebrow gets to you.

- Oh, guidance counselors

always think I'm beyond guidance.

- Believe me, Sam,

Mrs. Cheesebrow can happen to you too.

- You're right.

For now, it's the straight and narrow door for me.

- And for now, it's the whole new me for me,

totally normal.

Firecracker, firecracker, boom, boom, boom.

Firecracker, firecracker, boom, boom, boom.

Okay, it's been two whole days of normal,

and I'm about to enjoy the fruits of my labor:

a cherry pie, my first assignment for home ec.

And if baking isn't a normal,

wholesome teenage girl activity,

I don't know what is.

Who am I kidding?

My hours of trying to fit in have been a total washout.

Take the school dance committee.

How can I fit in with a bunch of people

who think Wilson Phillips is the cutting edge of music?

- I think a really cute theme for this dance

would be magical unicorns.

We can all wear pink chiffon

and decorate the room with periwinkle stars.

- That's so... adorable.

I was about to decorate the room

with periwinkle barf.

I didn't think things could get any worse until...

cheerleading practice.

- Ready?

all: Okay!

Push 'em back, push 'em back, waaaay back!

Go, Tupper!

[dejected tuba music]

- Rah, rah.

I focused, I fused, I followed through,

and I still don't fit in.

[timer dings]

Yes.

[quirky music]

Maybe my cherry pie will do the trick.

[suspenseful music]

♪

That's it.

I better hope my big fat F in home ec will help me fit in.

How can I convince Mrs. Cheesebrow I'm normal

when I can't even figure out what normal is?

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

[upbeat music]

♪

- Okay, I think it's time

for a late-breaking Cheesebrow report.

In our fifth consecutive meeting this week,

tensions rose way beyond normal

when Mrs. Cheesebrow dropped this bombshell.

- There.

Clarissa, dear, I can't help you

unless you begin to see me as your role model.

[defeated music]

- Maybe that's what they mean by future shock.

Modeling myself after Mrs. Cheesebrow?

I'm not sure that's something I ever want to see.

♪

- There, dear, now you're fastened.

Now let's talk about the three Fs.

I've got to get away from this woman.

The weird thing is, looks like the only way

to do that is to do what she says.

- What do you mean you won't give me

a month of free dinners?

I'm sorry, but I cannot base my opinion on one measly sandwich.

Fine, because I can make or break this joint,

and Sheldon's Souvlaki Stand will be lucky

to get half a star in my next column.

- Ferguson, haven't you ever heard

that payola is against journalistic ethics?

- This isn't payola; it's "munchola."

Besides, I believe paying for food

prejudices one against the establishment.

- If that greasy spoon

won't grease your palm, no place will.

- At least I'm considered normal by those in the know.

Word is out that you're a weirdo.

- Hey!

- See? I take this flashing light

and I put it on a moving track inside the tunnel.

Doesn't it already feel

like you're walking on the bottom of the sea?

- I don't know, Marshall.

I still feel like I'm walking behind a guy

with a flashing light on his head.

Maybe if the kids dog-paddle.

- Ooh.

- Huh? - It's hopeless.

I'm destined to be swept into the ice floe of abnormality.

- Actually, sis, I might be able

to throw you a life preserver.

I just happened to have penned this helpful little manual.

- "I'm Normal, You're Not:

The Ferguson Darling Guide to Normalcy"?

When did you write this?

- About two hours ago

when I heard about your freakazoid status.

Hundreds of angst-ridden teenagers

have already been cured by the Ferguson method

and now lead happy, productive, normal lives.

- Hundreds of teenagers?

Ferguson, you just wrote the thing.

- Well, if you're gonna quibble, forget it.

Go ahead, be a weirdo.

The school guidance counselor's not onmyback, is she?

- Ugh.

You probably do hold the secret to pleasing Mrs. Cheesebrow.

All right, lay it on me.

- A wise choice, sis, and only $.

- "The Ferguson Darling Method

"covers the essentials of normal behavior.

"One, talk like me.

"Two, dress like me.

"Three, think like me.

And in conclusion, four, be like me."

[dramatic music]

Ferg-fraud!

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

- Wow, normal's not all it's cracked up to be.

In fact, I may cr*ck up

if I have to spend one more minute pretending to be normal.

Do I really want to be a normal girl

in a normal family in a normal world?

Let's take a look at the grim possibilities.

It's time for "Oh! Those Darlings,"

with Marshall Darling as Dad,

Janet Darling as Mom,

Clarissa Darling as Big Sis,

and that lovable little pest, Ferguson.

[light upbeat music]

[applause]

- Mmm, smells yummy.

What's for breakfast, dear?

- Oh, just the normal pancakes and eggs.

- Oops. Sorry, Mom.

- Oh, that's all right.

A day without your shenanigans just wouldn't be normal.

- Hey, look at this: good news,

good news, more good news.

[applause]

- That's good news, Daddy.

- Well, actually, it's normal, cupcake.

- And good morning, my darling little brother.

- Good morning, Big Sis.

- Aren't they sweet?

- I'm just glad they're so gosh-darn normal.

[applause]

- If this is normal, let me out of here!

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

- Hey, Clarissa.

I hope you don't mind that I used the abnormal entrance.

- Actually, I'm glad you did.

It's much more normal for you.

- But what about Mrs. Cheesebrow?

- Sam, what if the people who decide what's normal

are really abnormal and the people who are abnormal

are much more normal than the people who are normal?

- Exactly.

- But if I don't do what Mrs. Cheesebrow says,

I'll never get rid of her.

- You used to have fun no matter what you did.

- I never used to have to bake cherry pie

or say "siss boom bah" or decorate school dances.

- I think you should just be yourself.

- Yeah, who cares if doing stuff my way

is normal or abnormal?

At least doing all this stuff my way

will definitely be a lot more fun.

♪

Even Phyllis Duckworth thought the anaconda

was a primo decoration.

- Yeah, the dance was an unbelievable hit.

- The reptile theme was definitely a first.

- Much better than

the stupid unicorn decorations they usually have.

- I don't think Mrs. Cheesebrow was too pleased

with the gecko ice cubes in the punch bowl.

How was I supposed to know she'd be the chaperone?

- Hey, if you can't stand the heat,

stay out of the dance hall.

Anyway, I'd better go.

I promised my dad I'd watch the double header with him.

- I gotta go too.

My sister is teaching me how to play the conga drums.

- Cool. Thanks for the help.

- See you later, Clarissa. - Bye!

- Bye.

Okay, the school dance was a huge success,

even though it was hard

to convince the committee to go with the gators.

I'm not sure how my home ec menu went over,

but the bite-sized chocolate-covered taco bits

and jalapeño ice cream hit the spot for me,

and here was my favorite cheer

at the do-your-own-thing pep rally:

Gimme a W!

Gimme an E!

Gimme an I-R-D!

What does it spell? Weird!

What are we now? Weird!

- Clarissa, what's going on out here?

- Nothing normal, Mom.

- Well, your guidance counselor just called.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow?

- Mm-hmm, she sounded pretty concerned.

She's coming over for a conference meeting.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow's coming here?

- I thought it would be nice to invite her over.

- I didn't know guidance counselors made house calls.

- Well, she's called so often, she may as well see the house.

Clarissa, are you sure there isn't

some problem at school you want to talk about?

- My only problem at school isMrs. Cheesebrow.

♪

[doorbell rings]

- Oh!

Hello, Mrs. Cheesebrow. Please, come in.

- Thank you. Hello, Clarissa.

- Hiya.

- You have a lovely home,

such interesting furniture.

- Oh, that's just my husband's oceanic environment.

- I see.

- Wanna crawl through?

- Oh, no thank you, I'll just stick with the sofa.

- Please, help yourself to a tofu radish swirl.

- Oh, how original.

- It's kind of an acquired taste.

- Now, what did you want

to discuss with us, Mrs. Cheesebrow?

- Well, I'm worried about Clarissa.

- Janet, look.

Hey, when the kids wear these pinhole glasses,

they're gonna really feel

as if they're part of the marine world.

- Marshall, this is Mrs. Cheesebrow,

Clarissa's school guidance counselor.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

Oh, sorry.

Sometimes these glasses,

they kinda mess up with your depth perception.

- I see. - So Mrs. Cheesebrow,

what seems to be the problem?

- Well, as I was saying--

- Hey, look what I got:

whole month's supply of pickled herring,

anchovies, and smoked eel.

- Ferguson, what do you need all that fish for?

- It was free.

I'm gonna give Olson's Fish Market

the greatest review this town has ever seen.

- Well, take it to the kitchen.

That's quite a stench, phew.

- I forgot about the olfactory stimulation.

Ferguson, can I borrow one of those?

- Sure, Dad.

- [clears throat]

Well, I think I've seen enough.

No wonder this poor girl has such a hard time fitting in.

- Poor girl?

Clarissa, is there a problem we should talk about?

Are you having a hard time fitting in?

- Fitting into a mold.

- Have you considered family counseling?

Because with this environment,

how can Clarissa be expected to lead a normal teenage life?

- Mrs. Cheesebrow, what do you mean by a normal teenage life?

- Yeah, what is normal, anyway?

- A normal, productive teenage life consists of my three Fs:

focus, fusion, and follow-through.

In other words, "fff."

- Gesundheit.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Cheesebrow,

but I'm not sure I buy this "fff."

- Gesundheit, Mom.

- Ferguson, we're trying

to have a meeting with Mrs. Cheesebrow.

- Fine, Mom.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow, what about the "fff" in "fun"?

- What about finding your own way?

- Oh, believe me, I have nothing against...

fun within an appropriate structure.

- And what structure would that be?

- Well, take cheerleading.

That's a wonderful, fun, peppy activity,

and they're all such lovely girls.

- But I hate cheerleading.

- I am an expert in my field.

I work with teenagers every day.

I know what's good for them.

- We live with Clarissa every day

and we know what's good for her, right?

- And I am Clarissa and I know that the three Fs

are no good for me.

- Mrs. Cheesebrow, we appreciate that you care,

but we figured out long ago that the best thing

is just to let Clarissa be herself.

- That's fine and dandy, if you don't give

a doodle about your daughter's future.

- Shouldn't you be encouraging kids to be creative

and not to aspire to some bizarro idea of what is normal?

- Are you calling me bizarro?

- Well, you do seem

awfully fffond of that fffern in your offfice.

- That's enough, Clarissa.

- That is not a fern. That is my Bromeliad, Bernice.

- See? In every normal person,

there's a free spirit trying to get out.

- I have tried my best to help you achieve excellence,

but, clearly, that's impossible

in a family of abnormal bohemians.

If you continue on this path, you'll amount to nothing.

- And you call this guidance?

- Yeah, I'm sorry,

but it sounds more like misguidance to me.

- [scoffs] Well!

[triumphant music]

♪

- Gimme a W! Gimme an E!

Gimme an I-R-D! What does it spell?

all: Weird!

- Too weird.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

- Well, Marshall, the children's museum

has never had crowds like this before.

Your exhibit was a big hit.

- Well, thanks, boss.

I couldn't have done it without you.

- We make a great team.

- Hey, Mom, can we wrap up

some of these tacos bits for Mrs. Cheesebrow?

- Really, for Mrs. Cheesebrow? Okay.

- I think she might like to try something new.

At our final evaluation meeting,

she told me she's thinking about

pearl farming in Tahiti as a mid-life career change.

- You're kidding.

- I gave her the idea.

- I guess it's never too late to have an open mind.

- Hey, what are these, anyway?

They're delicious.

- Oh, I used Clarissa's recipe.

- Mom, you made chocolate-covered taco bits?

- Well, actually, I substituted carob for chocolate

and the whole grain tacos have tofu inside

plus a little of that smoked eel you brought home.

- You did? - Mm-hmm.

- Mmm. - See, Dad?

I predict eel bits will be a future snack sensation.

- I think it was the great philosopher Anonymous who said,

"One man's normal is another man's yuck."

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na