♪
- Ever notice when a person says,
"I have good news and bad news,"
the good news is never good enough,
and the bad news is always worse than you can imagine?
I guess people always try
to make the best of a bad situation.
Even all through history.
Remember Custer's last stand?
♪
- General Custer, General Custer!
- Yes, what is it?
- Well, I have good news, and I have bad news.
- Don't make me wait, son.
- Well, the good news is the battle's almost over.
- Great.
Well, what's the bad news?
- That letter you're writing home...
- Yeah?
- I don't think it's gonna get there.
- How about what they did to Joan of Arc?
- Joan, the good news is to the French,
you're a hero and a saint.
- What's the bad news?
- Others think you're a witch.
- [sighing]
- And don't forget Adam and Eve.
- Mm.
The good news is, it's the best apple I've ever tasted, Adam.
- What's the bad news?
[thunderclap]
- Okay, so the news flash I just got, here goes.
The good news, my mom got promoted
to activities director at the Children's Museum.
The bad news, she made up a thing
called Family Volunteer Day.
That's the day where each parent who works there,
like dear old Mom,
picks a day to bring along the kids,
like poor little me.
The good news is, it's only one day.
The bad news is with all those little kids running around,
this could be the worst day of my life.
♪
- ♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Just do it ♪
- What's in the carton, honey? It smells awful.
- Oh, it's a special surprise.
I found them in the storeroom at the museum.
The whole staff used to wear them.
- What are they? - Matching jackets,
so all the guests will know we're the volunteers.
- Mom, these relics should be on display,
not on people's bodies.
- Now, Clarissa, I'm counting on all of you
to join in on Family Volunteer Day.
Besides, I think it'll be fun.
Find something you enjoy to share with the children, huh?
- I've got just the thing! - Great.
Do you need any special materials--
construction paper, paste?
- Just the keys to the family car.
I'll be showing them some Indy-style driving.
- Clarissa...
- Can I at least show them how the wipers work?
- No, you got a couple more days, sport.
Try something else.
- Marshall, have you figured out
how to explain what you architects do?
- Yeah, I'm gonna take my sketches
and put them side-by-side
with photographs of the finished buildings.
And then, they'll see how the artist's vision
becomes reality.
- Great. Just keep some markers handy
so they can draw in case the kids get bored.
- Gee, thanks.
- Ooh, how about you, Ferguson?
- Uh, could I teach them about ice cream?
- Ah, what a great idea.
- Phew, I thought you'd say no.
- Oh, I think they'll love a lecture
about how to make ice cream.
- Actually, Mom, I was gonna teach them
how to eat ice cream
at the Queasy Freeze next to the museum.
- Ferguson... - Oh, come on, Mom.
Think about it. I can't do it in the museum.
The ice cream will melt.
- Ferguson, read my lips. No.
- Nice try, weasel-brain.
- The whole point of Family Volunteer Day
is to get the kids into it,
not to get yourselves out of it.
Besides, it's something to do as a family, right?
- When you say "family,"
does that include Fergantula?
- Oh, come on, guys.
You'll try, promise?
- Sure, Mom, I promise.
- You know me.
- Marshall, is there something wrong with your arm?
- Hmm?
Hmm? No, nothing.
- Are you sure? Does it itch?
- No, it's probably just a bite
or a pimple or a rash or something.
- Well, don't let it go too long.
Remember the time you stepped on that blowfish.
- That was not my fault.
But I promise to take care of the itch.
Um, you know all these new duties of yours at the museum?
- Yeah.
- Well, I mean, don't you think it's a little too much,
I mean, with all you have to do around here?
- Marshall, you're absolutely right.
- Yeah. - It'll have to change.
- You mean no Family Volunteer Day?
- Don't be silly.
I mean everyone else will just have to help me more
with the chores, hmm?
Oh, and by the way, if anyone drinks any juice,
save the cans.
- Why? - I'm gonna teach the children
how to make them into bird feeders.
You'll see. Volunteering is so rewarding.
- The only thing I don't get is how is it volunteering
when your mother is making you do it?
♪
Hi, this is Clarissa Darling.
Welcome to my project here at the Children's Museum.
I just stepped away for a moment,
but I'll be back real soon.
I knew right away I would hate Family Volunteer Day.
How?
There's a rule of thumb you can follow.
Something to help you predict
what kind of things will ruin your day.
It's the capital letters.
You've gotta watch out for certain structured-activity days
with capital letters.
See these two?
Assembly Day and Family Volunteer Day
don't belong.
Why?
Because you don't get off from school.
But Christmas, Spring Break, President's Day?
Fine, no problem.
Remember, if anybody tells you
about a new capital letters day,
and you don't get off from school, beware.
[slamming]
Hi, Sam.
- Hey, Clarissa.
You lose this?
- No, no thanks to you.
- So how's Family Volunteer Day going?
- Watch.
♪
Hi, this is Clarissa Darling.
You missed me again.
I was here, where were you?
I stepped away, but I'll be back.
If I set this machine up at the museum
with enough tapes and let them play,
I can hide out all afternoon.
I've already recorded three hours of freedom.
- Sounds great, but who's gonna change the tapes?
- Doing anything Saturday?
- Nice try. I don't understand.
what's so bad about the Children's Museum?
- Well, it's hard to say unless you've been there.
And I've never been there.
- Wanna run that by me again?
- I've never been there.
- We're talking about the place where your Mom works, right?
- I walked by it once. Doesn't that count?
- I have an idea. - What?
- Let's check it out together. - No, Sam--
- Come on, down the ladder, one foot in front of the other.
- Sam, no.
- All right, how about this?
I'll check it out for you.
- You will?
- Kind of a scouting expedition.
Maybe if you hear what it's like,
you won't feel so negative.
- Think so?
- Hang tight. I'll be back.
♪
- Hi, this is Clarissa.
Sorry I'm out, but hang tight.
I'll be back.
Hi, this is Clarissa Darling.
Does anybody know when this place closes?
Hi, Sam. What took you?
- Hey, Clarissa. It was pretty cool.
all these different rooms with activities and stuff.
So I plugged it all in to my "Galactic Gordon" game.
- Neat. So what do I do?
- Go ahead, explore. See what you find.
Okay, you're in the save-energy room.
Good luck finding the escape hatch.
- What about this window?
- No way, it's a fake.
- Total blowout.
- But you can lower the temperature
and turn off the lights.
- Now, I'll freeze in the dark.
But where can I hide?
What about behind this door?
- Nice try.
Nothing but a slop sink in there.
- Gross. I'm moving out of here.
Now, this looks promising.
- You just hit the rainforest room.
- Maybe I'll wear camouflage and hide.
Or if I bribe this parrot, maybe he'll tell me the way out.
- I don't think it works that way.
Oh, wait, that's not a light switch.
- Great. Now I really am all wet.
Is this window a way out?
- Not unless you're Superman.
- That won't stop me.
Hey, what's this place? - The music room.
Try the gigantic xylophone made of water glasses.
- Sam, I want to make a getaway,
not audition for "Star Search."
Wait a minute, the escape hatch!
- You don't want to do that! [glass shattering]
- Great, maybe if I do enough property damage,
they'll kick me out.
"Exit," I'm home!
Oh, no, I'm still stuck.
There's no way I'll ever get past the bug case.
My mom says that's the exhibit the kids like most.
I'll never sneak past them.
[video game bleeps]
Let's face it.
I might as well forget this whole tape recorder idea.
I'm trapped.
Just like one of those bugs on display.
Might as well squash me and stick me under glass.
- Clarissa, maybe you should forget about escaping
and think of it as something to do with your family.
- Puh-lease!
- I'd k*ll to have a family and stuff like this to do.
- Well, maybe you should join us.
- Well, maybe I will.
- Maybe you can take my place.
I'll even give you the tape recorder,
and I'll throw in Ferguson.
Wait... Ferguson!
- What now?
- He was trying to get out of this too,
and maybe if we work together-- - Whoa, you and Ferguson?
That's radical!
- I need an idea, Sam.
And there's no brain more devious on Earth than his.
♪
- I must admit--
at first, I didn't throw myself into the project,
but then I had a change of heart.
- Oh, great, what did it change into, a bunny?
- I realized that Family Volunteer Day is
the perfect opportunity for my exceptional mind
to affect these youngsters for the rest of their lives.
- That's for sure.
They may never recover from the emotional wounds.
- Hon, have you seen my-- - Oh, just a second, Marshall.
Ferguson wants to read to the children.
- Oh, well, that's great. Uh, you know, hon--
- Of course, we usually try
to make the exhibits more interactive.
- Yeah, you know, Ferguson, try to read interactively.
- You know, hon, I'm missing-- - Read interactively?
How do you do that?
- Uh...
I have no idea. Janet, I can't find--
- Marshall, what is it?
- My gray slacks, have you seen them?
I thought, you know, with the jacket...
- Oh, honey, I forgot.
They're at the cleaners. It slipped my mind.
Um, can you find something else that goes?
- How about my striped boxer-shorts?
- Can you just pick up the slacks?
I don't have time, dear.
- Okay, no problem.
- So, Ferguson, what book did you choose?
- I want to enrich their souls
with a classic American novel that meant so much to me,
"Billy the Talking Toaster".
- Did you say classic?
- Just can't underestimate the impact of fine literature
on a tender, young mind.
- Um, Ferguson?
May I see you outside a moment?
I'd like to have an opportunity to have an impact
on a tender, young mind.
Yours!
♪
What happened, Ferguson?
I thought you didn't want to go. - I still don't.
But if I cooperate and you don't,
who ends up looking like the jerk?
- Okay, I'll admit the odds are in your favor,
but you can't want to do this.
I know you think you do, but you're wrong.
You'll get to the museum, there'll be all these kids,
you'll realize it was a mistake.
Trust me. I used to baby-sit.
- Mere children, not a thr*at to my superior intelligence.
- Then help me figure outa way.
- Why should I?
- I'm older, I'll have access o firearms before you will.
Besides, there are probably a few good excuses stashed away
in that superior intelligence of yours, eh?
- Well, since you put it that way,
let me think.
♪
Ah, you know that green shampoo of Mom's?
- The one that smells like the lawn?
- Yeah, that's it.
Well, you could cook some oatmeal
and color it with the shampoo,
and then when you spill some down your shirt
and smear a little on your chin,
they'll think it's some kind of devil puke or something--
- Nope, remember?
You pulled that when Dad wanted help
sorting nails in the garage.
- Ah, yes.
- You caved in the minute they threatened you with exorcism.
Come on. This is where you shine.
- Okay.
Um... oh, I got it.
I'll call and pretend I'm Mr. Futzstein,
and then say that you have to stay home
and write some report on the cooking oil containers
of Mesopotamia.
- No, they'll want to read the report.
And cooking oil was hardly what made Mesopotamia great.
Come on. Forget scams.
Forget schemes.
Think psych of the century. - I got it!
Oh...
We'll stage a kidnapping,
leave a ransom note!
There could even be some money in it!
- Heiresses get kidnapped for ransom,
not girls like me.
- Okay, okay.
- You're holding out on me. I know it.
Act like the weasel you were born to be.
- [laughs] Weasel, huh?
That's a great way to talk, sis.
Well, congratulations.
You're now officially on your own.
- Come on, Ferguson. Don't desert me!
I have no idea what my project at the museum will be,
I've got no idea how to get out of it.
and now, a true sign of desperation--
I just asked Ferguson not to leave!
- ♪ N-n-n-n-n-n
♪
It was either the Boy Scouts or Julia Child
who coined the motto "Be prepared."
But can anything prepare you for an afternoon of t*rture
at the Children's Museum?
My mom thinks I've come up with some sort of top-secret project.
The top secret is I have no project.
But I've prepared in another way.
Here's my survival kit.
♪
Little piles of treats here and there around the museum
should lure that army of brats away from me.
I hate contributing my junk-food stash,
but it's a small price to pay for peace.
Comics.
Wave them in front of certain kids,
and they're silent for hours.
But that's not all.
Just to make sure,
I'm packing the ultimate repulser,
the one item that's sure to keep those kids away from me
as long as I keep it firmly in my fist.
Soap.
Swift, silent, effective.
To a little kid,
there's nothing more deadly.
Hi, Sam, you ready to go?
- Hi, Clarissa.
The whole way over here,
I tried to come up with some good news,
but I guess it's all bad.
- You mean you can't come to the museum with me?
- Today's the father-son picnic at my dad's newspaper.
- A picnic, well, that sounds a lot better
than Family Volunteer Day.
- Yeah, they have it every year.
It's pretty cool unless they start a fight
and Dad gets punched out again.
So have you picked a project yet?
- Not yet, and now I have to go alone!
- What do you mean "alone"?
You'll have your mom, your dad, Ferguson.
- There's one thing I won't have.
- What's that? - I won't have fun.
♪
I can do it. I can do it.
Mom, I'm ready. Let's do it.
- We're not doing it. - What?
Why not? I'm ready, I'm prepared.
- We're not going. The Children's Museum is closed.
- Yes! I mean... that's terrible.
- The boiler erupted, and they shut off the water.
- Those poor, deprived children.
- Well, I guess I'll be in my room.
I mean...
Mom, I know you were looking forward to this and everything.
It was a chance for you to bring your work at the museum home
for the family to share. Well--
- Clarissa...
what did you just say?
- Well...
- Before that.
- You mean about bringing your work at the museum home?
- Yes, that's it!
That's an absolutely spectacular idea!
- Gee, it sounds like sucking up to me.
- You'd sure know the sound.
- We can bring the museum home. - We can?
- Mom, I wouldn't be too hasty about this.
- Marshall, you could show off your drawings right here.
- Oh, sure, why not. Yeah, it's a terrific idea.
You know, of course we'll have the whole house to clean
before they get here, and what a mess after they leave,
and you're so busy, so it's probably not such a great idea.
- Oh, I absolutely love it. - All right.
- Ferguson, how about your project?
- Uh, my room would probably be the perfect setting
to make my reading more memorable for the children.
- Great.
- As memorable as "A Nightmare On Elm Street."
- Clarissa, how about your top-secret project?
- Sure, right...
my top-secret project.
Well, I guess it'll work here as well as at the museum.
- Oh, great! Now, let me see.
I have to call the museum to post a sign on the door.
Oh, and then of course we'll need more juice.
Ugh, this is perfect!
We better get ready.
♪
Oh, Ferguson, when you read to the children,
why not use different voices for all the characters?
- Voices?
- Sure, like how about a big,
deep voice for Mr. Pumpernickel?
And a high, tiny voice for Billy the toaster?
- Uh, sure, Mother. That's delightful.
- Just stay away from the regular Ferguson voice.
It could scar a child for life.
- Oh, Marshall, do you have extra rulers and things?
- Yeah, there's a few in the hall closet, why?
- Oh, well, you know, dear, sometimes children break stuff.
How's your rash? Has it stopped spreading?
- You know, it's just a little uncomfortable,
but don't worry, I'll be fine.
- Clarissa, how about you?
Top-secret project ready?
- Just send those kids straight upstairs to my room, Mom.
- Good. [doorbell rings]
Ooh, there they are.
Everybody take your places.
Oh, and Clarissa, remember--
- I know, Mom, "Have fun."
♪
An exhibit...
An exhibit, I need some kind of exhibit!
Oh, my first guests.
Well, how nice to see you...
exactly where you are.
And now for my exhibit
at the Darling Family Children's Museum.
Me! [chuckles]
♪
[robotic voice] Hello, glad you could join me.
My name is Clarissa, and this is my room.
Life sure is exciting for the typical teenager these days.
Watch me as I talk on the phone in my typical teenage way.
Imagine, my own phone!
And here I am, reading my diary.
We teenagers sure do have a lot of private, special thoughts.
Well, that's all for now.
Buh-bye.
Okay, show's over now.
Get out of here. Go visit my brother Ferguson.
He lives across the hall in "Fergatory."
Hurry up!
♪
[door knocking]
- Ah, the culture lovers have arrived.
Hello. Hello, how are you?
Hi, hi.
- All it takes to make a really lovely bird feeder at home
are a couple of pie plates,
a coat hanger,
and an empty juice can.
Then you can study the birds just like we do at the museum.
Now, who would like to start?
Oh, well, uh,
what should we do to break the ice?
Um...
I know, before we get started,
would anyone like some juice?
Great, all right.
Everybody just sit tight.
- I see my theories on child control are completely accurate.
- Remember, you promised us a buck each.
- We settled at cents.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
One buck, one buck. One buck.
Now, just sit there and enjoy the story.
It's called "Billy the Talking Toaster."
- Toasters can't talk.
- This one talked.
"There once was a little gingerbread house--"
- Where's the house?
- I don't know.
Be quiet.
- I once had a little gingerbread house
and we got ants.
♪
- [sighs]
- Now, come here, come here, come here.
Now, this is the first building
I ever designed.
Come here, come here.
And I really, I really-- let's put that down.
I really love this drawing.
And I'll probably keep it always.
Of course, you know, it's-- it's not good
to get too attached to things.
- Wow, what a crowd.
You know, there sure are a lot of trendy, teenage magazines
for the typical teenager these days.
And you know what else?
A whole range of fashion.
You can design your very own look.
Imagine!
Well, buh-bye!
Okay, now take off, b*at it. Make room for the others.
By the way, don't miss the baboon across the hall.
He answers to the name Ferguson.
Gee, running a museum is a breeze.
- Billy returned the next day to find his friend missing.
And then Billy the talking toaster got really mad.
And instead of talking,
he just wrapped his cord around the neck
of an awful, little boy,
and he just squeezed and he squeezed
until the little boy finally gave up.
Now, get back!
Get away! Get back!
- See, the seeds go up in here,
and then the birds sit down here to eat them.
Isn't there anyone who'd like to try?
[sighs] Well...
I'm all out of juice.
Uh... does anyone need to use the bathroom?
All right, it's right up the stairs.
- You, you, you, you, out of my room.
Ahh, get out from there!
Leave! Leave my room.
Let's go. Whoa--ah, ah, ah!
Ah! Ah! Ahh!
[kids screaming]
- What's going on here, Dad?
This is no way to behave in a museum.
- Ah, this itching's driving me nuts.
- Look, Dad, on the jacket!
Get it off! Get it off!
Give me that T-square.
Ugh.
- Oh, here, dear.
- Ugh.
- [gasps]
- It must have a million legs.
- Oh!
- Look, kids, a bug with about a million legs.
[children oohing]
- Did that come out of your jacket?
- It must have been what bit me.
- Neat, Mrs. Darling. This is great.
What a cool bug.
- There are lots more bugs at the Children's Museum.
- Some of them are even in the bug case.
- Who's gonna go there next week and check it out?
- [children in unison] Me!
♪
- How's that rash?
- Well, it was the bug bite, all right.
The doctor gave me this stuff.
- Hard to believe one bug could cause all that.
- Well, it was really from all the scratching.
See, I was worried about your extra work, and...
the more I worried, the more I itched.
The more I itched, the more I scratched.
The more I scratched, the more it spread.
And the more it spread-- - Marshall...
- I still can't find a picture of this thing.
Maybe because I squashed it.
Will someone at the museum know what it is?
- Oh, don't worry, there's probably a lot more
in the storeroom.
Well, things got a little out of hand,
but it was still fun, hmm?
The bad news is Family Volunteer Day is over.
- Wait a minute.
If that's the bad news,
that means there must be good news too.
♪
Hey...
has anybody seen Ferguson?
- [muffled shouting]
♪
- ♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ Na-na-na-na-na
♪ N-n-n-n-n-n
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
[thunder]
03x07 - Involunteering
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.