04x07 - Hero Worship

[bunniefuu]

Throughout history man has always found it

both comforting and necessary to have idols.

Seems that worshiping someone

or something makes people feel better,

gives them something to strive for,

and creates a huge market for autograph albums.

The first recorded idol wasn't a movie star

or a rock star,

wasn't even a person.

It was a golden calf.

In biblical times,

people rallied around this monstrosity

until eventually

they figured out that golden calf

was yesterday's equivalent of a ceramic Dalmatian.

In more modern times,

there've been idols like Elvis Presley.

Idol to millions,

even as there was more and more of him

to idolize.

How does one become an idol?

Well, many are called but few are chosen.

You can do something to help mankind.

You can have a hit record or TV series

or you can be yourself.

And maybe that's enough to make the new girl in school

think you're the greatest thing since sliced pizza.

♪ Na na na-na

♪ Na na-na na-na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na-na

♪ Na na-na na-na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na-na

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na

♪ Just do it

Albert Einstein once said the most beautiful experience

you can have is the mysterious.

Of course, Einstein also thought

theoretical physics was more fun than skateboarding.

But how come he never addressed

the real mysteries of life.

Like, why is there always a long line

outside the ladies room?

Why is red cabbage purple?

Why are certain human beings inexplicably drawn to others?

It's not like I was extra-friendly

or extra-nice or extra-anything.

And yet the new girl in school, Eve,

seems to really look up to me

like I was her idol or something.

I better be careful.

Thing like that can go to a girl's head.

[thud]

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa. Guess what?

Hold that thought, Sam.

I just wanna finish this sentence.

Okay.

It must be great having your own opinion column.

So what's it about?

The rain forest?

The whooping crane? Whales?

The automobile in today's youth,

as essential as braces and probably cheaper.

Cool.

And now for something totally amazing.

My dad got called to Tampa for a fly-fishing seminar.

Is that totally amazing for your dad or the fish?

For us.

Two tickets to the hell blazer, funny car/tractor-trailer show

this Friday night.

Totally amazing!

So you want to go watch them set up?

Sure, in a minute. Eve's coming over.

We can all go.

Cool.

You two really hit it off.

Well, she hasn't made any other friends yet.

I was gonna introduce her to some people

at the school paper, but we can do that later.

[door knocks]

Hey, Eve.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Eve.Am I...

Am I disturbing you?

I know I am. I'll go.

No! Don't go!

Change in plans, though.

We're gonna go watch them fill the mud pit down

at the convention centre.

Wanna come?

Are you're sure?

I can always come back another time.

That is if you want me to.

We can go to the newspaper later.

Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.

I knew you'd be busy, so...

You did the research for my column?

Grunge work.

Why should you have to do it?

This is unbelievable.

Tori Spelling's braces cost more than a Honda Civic.

Base sticker pricier with options.

And here's the new Nirvana tape.

You can keep it.

Really?

You shouldn't have.Nonsense.

What are friends for?

And you've done so much for me.

I have?

You were just so friendly the first day at school.

I nodded.

It was a warm nod,

warm and special, just like you.

Thanks.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I admired your French braid.

I'd never be able to figure out how to do that.

Oh, it's easy. I'll show you how sometime.

You've got great hair, Eve.

Well, it's okay,

for hair that's dull, lifeless,

and mousy brown.

It's not mousy.

It's chestnut, mahogany.

Burnt sienna.

You're too kind.

Look, I know we're not tight like you and Sam,

but thanks for letting me be,

even in some small way, part of your life.

Hey, noproblemo.

You're bilingual. I knew it!

What can't you do, Clarissa Darling?

Well, one thing I can't do,

I can't get used to all this attention.

[music]

I don't believe it!

Interesting article, dear?Yeah!

Leonid Hinge Bottom.

He's gonna be lecturing at the university next week.

Who's Leonid Hinge Bottom?

One of those geeky folk singers from the sixties?

No, he was one of your father's professors in grad school.

Oh, no, no.

He was more than a teacher, Sport.

He was my mentor.

Old Hinge Bottom, he inspired the best work I ever did.

Oh, he was a brilliant educator,

a remarkable man.

And I have to give him credit for making me who I am today.

Your father worshiped him, Clarissa.

Yeah, well, I guess, we would have to say

that we had a mutual admiration society.

I was his favorite student.

Teacher's pet?Yeah.

He's gonna be speaking on the th.

I hope we can get tickets.

th?

Oh, dear, Marshall, there is a conflict.

We have theater tickets that night forCats

Droning lecture on Ionic and Doric columns

or Andrew Lloyd Webber?

That's a tough one.

We can always go to the theater.

I haven't seen old Hinge Bottom in years.

Well, all right.

I'll call around and see

if I can get rid of the tickets.

All right, thanks, honey.

Ferguson, you've had your nose buried in that

Who's Whoall week.

What are you looking for?

He's probably looking for his name.

Wrong book. TryWhat's That.

I did. They gave you a full page.

Anyway, this is a book on the most famous,

successful and celebrated people

in the world.

Something you could never relate to cheese breath.

I have a very important decision to make,

and I'm stuck.

Try hitting yourself in the head with the book.

Try brushing your teeth with a fork.

Well, what exactly are you looking for, Ferguson?

Miss Gutten Plan is making us start a correspondence

with someone we really admire.

I've decided to choose someone famous and successful,

and as circumstances would have it, rich.

Talk about your dream assignment.

A pen pal relationship with someone you can eventually

exploit for your own personal gain.

My thought exactly.

But I'm having trouble deciding on

who the final person will be.

Well, I wish I could suggest someone

but admiration is such a personal thing.

Yeah, that's true, Mom.

I've got it narrowed down to Donald Tr*mp,

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

and the guy who invented ", Flushes."

The toilet-bowl guy.

Perfect.

After all, he's used to dealing with waste products.

[music]

A recent study indicates that

those who have contributed most to our society

know how to drive.

Mere coincidence or prerequisite for success?

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Clarissa.

Eve, what happened?

Did I do something wrong?

How rude, I should have called you first?

Can you ever forgive me? Probably not but...

No, it's your clothes.

They're just so, so much like mine, sort of.

Do you really think so?

I mean, I've never been able to pull an outfit together.

A born frump.

That's Eve Biderberg for you.

You're too hard on yourself.

Let's face it, Clarissa.

This whole outfit would look better on you.

I can only work with what I have,

which isn't much,

but enough about me.

You can't be expected to work on an empty stomach.

There.

What's all this about?

Well, you're so busy

and you need to finish your column.

I just thought that, well, you might be hungry.

You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

What trouble?

It's not like I cooked the food.

Though, I did tell them to prepare the burger your way,

hold the onions, extra pickle.

Thanks, Eve.

That's good.

Your brilliance makes me weep.

This article is insightful.

It's moving. It's inspirational.

Really?

The wit of Russell Baker.

William Safire's preciseness of language,

and yet none of the ingenuous,

aw-shucks pretension of Garrison Keillor.

Thanks.

But that's nothing, wait till you see my next one.

What's it on?

Sorry, I never reveal a scoop before it sees print.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

Promise you'll keep it a secret?

Trust me.

Okay.

My prediction is by the year

virtual-reality classrooms

could replace the need to go to school.

Wow! That is hot stuff.

An article like that would get a writer

a lot of attention.

If they gave Pulitzer prizes to high-school students,

you'd be a shoo-in.

No.Yes!

No!Yes!

Now, if there's nothing else, I can do for you,

I have to get down to the paper.

You got an assignment? That's great.

I wish.

They're trying me out as coffee girl.

I hope I won't disappoint them.

You'll be great.

Thanks again for everything.

And if there's anything I can do for you...

Oh, you bet.

Hi, Ferg-wad. Bye, Ferg-wad.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Though I'd have liked the opportunity.

Just you and your shadow again, ah?

Where'd she get that outfit, Clarissa-R-Us?

Oh, stop.

My sides are aching.

Now, get out.

It's like she was studying you, like you were a play,

or a book, or a set of blueprints.

You're just jealous.

My ego, healthy though it maybe,

does not require people following me around

like a lap dog.

The only one who would follow you around is a lap dog.

I can't help it, if Eve looks up to me.

But she sure does it a lot.

A lot!

That she does it at all is weird.

It's unnatural. It's creepy.

Maybe he's right.

Eve is coming on a little strong.

Ferg-breath hates her.

She can't be all bad.

[music]

[thud]

Hi, Sam.Hi, Sam.

Jinx.

Yeah.

Hi, Clarissa. Hi, Eve.

Oh, I could never carry this off.

And green makes me look so sickly, doesn't it?

Hey, I don't think it looks so bad,

kind of brings out your eyes.

Sam, you think so?

Clarissa, you were so kind

to give me all these great clothes.

Don't thank me.

I can finally see the floor of my closet again.

What you need is one of those closet organizing kits.

I'll stop by Shelves N' Stuff, this weekend and pick one up.

Shelves N' stuff, great place.

They've got all those shelves and stuff.

Thanks, Eve.

But I like organizing in my own unique, messy way.

Check it out.

The paper did a preview on tonight's funny car show.

Wow!

Those tires must be seven feet high.

And my dad says that since you have a press pass

from the school paper,

we can ride some of these monsters

after the show.

Yes, the power of the press.

There might be a conflict.

Conflict? What conflict?

It is all my fault.

What's all your fault?

I'm so forgetful.

My father says, I'd forget my own name, if it weren't...

Eve?

What did you forget?

There's a newspaper meeting tonight.

The Managing Editor said for me to tell you

that everyone has to attend.

Not insignificant everybody's like me,

just the important people like you.

Oh, no.

I wish, I'd have known sooner.

We could have changed the tickets to Saturday night.

Major bummer.

Now I'm gonna miss the caterpillar,

the amazing four-wheeler,

the bunny-funny car.

I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you.

Do you hate me? What can I do to make it up to?

I'll do anything.No!

It's no big deal.

I just wish you'd told me sooner.

Tell you what, I'll go to the meeting.

You go to the funny car show.

I couldn't.Why not?

I have an extra ticket.

Yeah. Why waste it?

I wouldn't feel right taking your place,

especially after I was the one who goofed.

No, it's no problem.

Just do whatever you want.

Well, if you don't mind, Clarissa.

Mind?

Why should I mind?

Great!Great!

This is gonna be really fun.

I'll catch you later.I have to get going too.

I can't believe,

we're gonna get to ride on an authentic funny car.

Fasten your seat belt, Sam, it's gonna be a bumpy night.

Yeah, and the wrong person's in the driver's seat.

♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na

♪ Na na na-na na-na

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na-na

♪ Na na na-na na-na

Okay. Ready?

Welcome to Worm World.

Today's topic is the Segmented or Annelid Worm,

better known as the Common Garden Variety Leech.

You may recognize it in another form,

the human leech aka Eve Biderberg.

When we last left Eve, she was scampering up

to the car show with my ticket and my best friend.

What has she taken of mine since?

If imitation's the sincerest form of flattery,

why aren't I flattered?

Perfect.

Hey, guys, what's the --?

Looks like me.

Sounds like me.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm not in it.

Oh, I bought it at a used-clothing shop,

isn't that amazing.

Really!

This new car's got a five-speed transmission,

all leather interior, deluxe CD player...

And it goes from to in . seconds.

Are you serious?

No, way!

Oh, that's so bad!

Will the real Clarissa please stand up?

[thud]Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa.

Are you sure you have the right window?

It's the same window I always come through.

Why?

You and Eve have been hanging a lot together.

I'm surprised you're not over there.

She's down at the newspaper, besides her house is one level.

I use the front door.

Why the major freak-out over Eve?

Why not?

It's not your life she's taking over.

Isn't that a little extreme, Clarissa?

Extreme? I don't think so.

Soon the only difference between us

will be our fingerprints

and there are operations to take care of that.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you the one who said she was new in town

and didn't have a lot of friends?

Besides, she likes you.

I don't like to be liked like this.

It's spooky.

Yeah, I know, but maybe she's just lonely.

And if she's trying to be like you,

it's only because she's your biggest fan.

She didn't stop talking about you at the car show.

"Clarissa does this, Clarissa says this.

Isn't Clarissa great?"

If only she didn't look up to me so much.

I'm sure that will change once she gets to know you.

You know what I mean.

I'll see you later.

If she gets to know me any better...

she'll be me.

Oh, no, this isn't the Broadway production ofCats.

It's a touring company,

and with d*ck Van Patten playing Old Deuteronomy,

it's sure to be a night to remember.

Aha, enjoy the show.

Phew!

So you managed to pawn

the tickets off on someone else?

Congratulations.

Well, actually I was looking forward to an evening

of light entertainment with lots of dancing.

Besides, the songs have some great themes,

friendship, hardship, survival.

Survival?

Maybe I should take the tickets.

Why? Problem, dear?

How do you survive being friends with someone?

What do you mean?It's Eve.

She's everywhere, wanting to do this for me,

wanting to do that for me, wanting to be me.

I mean, she copies everything I do.

She's more than a friend, Mom.

She's an appendage.

When my family first moved from Canada,

I didn't know anyone in school.

And then in French class, there was this girl

Miranda Farfelfein.

Did she attach herself to you like a vise?

No, I clung to Miranda.

She was pretty, and smart, self-confident.

And I was the new girl in town like Eve.

So whatever happened to this Miranda?

Well, I think she sells faux jewelry

on one of those shop-at-home cable channels.

But that's not the point.

What's important is that after a while,

I found my own identity.

I didn't need Miranda anymore.

I never looked at it like that.

I guess I could be a little more tolerant.

Well, just try to put yourself in Eve's place.

Look what I found!

My bio-dome,

the prefabricated, indoor nature preserve

that I designed in old Hinge Bottom's class.

Oh!

And the T-Square that he gave me

for a graduation present.

Boy, is he going to get kick out of these.

Have you reached him yet?

Nah, I decided against it. I wanna surprise him.

So I made reservations at Le CousCous for all of us.

What? It's gonna be an evening, ah?

Marshall, what a great idea!Yeah!

Then I thought I'd have him here afterwards,

you know, meet the whole family,

and Sport, you're gonna love him.

Mom, where's the mail?

Oh, sorry, Ferguson.

Nothing came for you today.

I don't understand. I sent my letter air express.

You still waiting to hear from your hero?

Whoever is he probably sh*t himself

when he found out Ferg-nerd admired him.

Ah, Sport, everyone needs someone to look up to.

Much the way you admire spores, molds, and fungus.

So who did you finally decide on, Ferguson,

the Terminator or the Donald?

My money's on the toilet-bowl guy.

Actually, mom, it's gonna be a surprise.

I chose someone so famous, so influential...

So what? He'll never write back.

Oh, ye of little faith.

Oh, ye of little brain.

Why would anybody who is a anybody

write to a nobody?

Laugh while you can, Sis,

for the mere price of postage,

I've opened the corridors of power.

They say power corrupts, but in Ferguson's case,

too late.

[music]

Don't worry, Eve.

Roller-blading only looks difficult.

Great! I'll see you this weekend.

[thud]

Hi, Sam.

You want to go roller-blading with me and Eve, this weekend?

Ah, I don't think so.

Come on. It will be fun.

I've been thinking it over and Eve's not so bad.

Well, everything's relative,

compared to Genghis Khan, she's an upstanding citizen.

Now you're being hard on her.

I don't think so.

Check out letters to the editor.

I don't believe it.

"Virtual Reality Replacing Classrooms,"

by Eve Biderberg.

But that'smynext column.

Itwasyour next column,

until Eve Biderberg b*at you to it.

Looks like you were right about her all along.

That conniving little reptile.

"You could win the Pulitzer prize, Clarissa.

Your secret's safe with me, Clarissa.

Trust me."

I never trusted her.

Right.

"She's just lonely.

She likes you, Clarissa.

She's your biggest fan."

Oops.

So, Eve likes my story ideas.

Well, there's plenty more where that came from.

[music]

You really should eat something before we go, Marshall.

Oh, no. I'm too excited.

I can't wait to see the expression

in Hinge Bottom's face when he sees me.

Oh, he will be so proud of you, Marshall.

Yeah.

Isn't it time you two took a break?

A deadline's a deadline, mom.

Well, don't work too hard.

And if you get hungry,

there's some soy falafel balls in the fridge.

Thank you, Mrs. Darling.

Oh!

Mr. and Mrs. Darling, how nice to see you again.

If I didn't know better,

I'd swear you were Clarissa's sister.

Oh, Eve!

How sweet!

Don't tell me.

Frank Lloyd Wright.

Oh, well, close.

Marshall Darling.

No.

Yeah.No!

Yeah! Hi, Eve!

Bye, guys! Have fun!

Bye.

Hi, Clarissa.

Eve, I just got done reading your letter to the editor.

Did you like it?

I liked the idea.Me too.

Oh, you don't think I stole your idea, do you?

I was just laying the groundwork

for your article.

Did a good job.

You might say you took the words

right out of my mouth.

Clarissa, are you mad at me?

I meant it as a surprise.

Gosh, I always do the wrong thing.

Can you ever forgive me.It's okay.

Look, I don't know how I'll make it up to you.

I'll do anything...

It's okay?

Hey, everybody makes mistakes.

They do?

I mean, they do. Boy, do they?

Then you're not angry?

Clarissa's a very understanding person.

I'll say.Why shouldn't I be?

I mean, it's not like you stole it deliberately.

Of course, not.Of course, not.

Though it is too bad I got credit

for such a brilliant idea.

I know how horrible you must feel.

Devastated.

Though it proves

what a powerful thinker you are, Clarissa.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing.

And the Managing Editor...

Uh, forget it.

What?The Managing Editor, what?

It's not important, since I'd never do it.

He offered me my own column.

I turned him down, after all, what would I write about?

Beats me.

I know I've got my hot topic for next week's column.

Yeah, it's a k*ller.

Really?

Really!

Say, Clarissa,

did your mom make those soy falafel balls,

I love so much?

Oh, yes, Sam, I think there's a fresh batch in the fridge.

Oh, Eve?

No. That's okay.

I've got to get going. I'll just let myself out.

See you.

Bye.Bye.

So you think she bought it?

Hook, by-line, and sinker.

I hope so.

Because if she doesn't steal your idea...

Sam, Sam, Sam, once a weasel, always a weasel.

Maybe we should we feel sorry for her?

There must be some psychological reason

people like Eve crave attention.

And that's just what she's gonna get

for her brilliant essay.

Why recycle when you can fill a landfill?

♪ Na na na-na na-na

Everyone stuffed their cans and bottles

underneath Eve's desk, last count.

And the principal picked her to be the liaison

between the school and the recycling center.

The parental units. Talk to you later, Sam.

You're just gonna have to get over it, Marshall.

He thought my name was Clyde.

He's still upset, huh?

I'm afraid so.

Although, I have to admit it.

I don't understand why he didn't recognize you.

Oh, yeah. Kept saying, "Who?

Who are you?"

Though in all fairness,

professors do have so many students

throughout the years.

So it's difficult keep up with that.

He wasn't that good of a professor.

Trust me.

He was pretty disorganized for an architect.

On a scale of to , tops.

He used to jab at the blackboard

with the chalk.

Charts flying everywhere.

It's here!

Oh, Ferguson, this is a letter from Buckingham Palace.

Yeah.

My hero Prince Charles, he wrote back.

Prince Charles sure has a funny signature.

"Cordially, Diana, Princess of Wales."

That's your hero, Fergadork?

Ferguson, you chose a woman as your hero?

How progressive.

There must be some mistake.

There's a mix-up.

They sent it to the wrong palace.

I wrote to Charles. You got to believe me.

Oh, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, Son.

Princess Diana is one of the most

beautiful women in the world.

I know.

When she smiles,

it's like she's smiling right at you.

I mean,

I'm going right to the top on this one!

Top! Queen Elizabeth!

That's right.

No, no, better yet, Queen Mother.

Yeah.

She's the one who calls the sh*ts anyway, I'm sure.

Di and Fergie?

Has a nice ring to it.

I guess, when you're a public figure,

unwanted admirers comes with the territory.

As for me,

I don't want to be idolized.

My advice to anyone who wants to be somebody else,

get a life.

And please, not mine.

♪ Na na na-na

♪ Na na-na na-na

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na-na na-na na-na

♪ Na na na-na na-na

♪ Na na na-na-na

♪ Na na na-na na-na