05x01 - The Cycle

[bunniefuu]

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...

Wait. Did I count that cell or not?

It's no fair when they keep moving around.

It's hard to believe so many living cells

are in every drop of water.

And what about in a whole glass?

How many is that? Millions? Hundreds of millions?

Kind of grosses you out, unless you're thirsty.

See ya, fellas.

Some people have trouble contemplating higher numbers,

millions, billions, trillions.

But for me, it's easy.

For example, ,, times,

I've asked my parents, "Can I have a car?"

,, times, they've answered,

"No way, Jose."

Let's take a trip down memory lane.

Unfortunately, I won't be in the driver's seat.

I tried leaving little, subtle clues around

so Dad would know what I wanted for my birthday.

I guess early morning isn't the best time

to be subtle with Dad.

I tried buttering them up

with a special home-cooked meal.

Ooh, thanks, sweetheart.

But it was no use.

Mom cut right through all my arguments.

I even tried showing them how having a car

would fit easily into our lives.

But Dad rolled all over that one.

So about this car thing, let's just say owning an auto

is a subject I've driven into the ground.

But as far as I can recall, there isn't a single instance

where they told me I couldn't have one of these.

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

I don't why I never thought of it before,

but there are all kinds of reasons

why owning a motorcycle beats owning a car.

First, their speed.

Cars require unlocking the door,

getting in, buckling your seat belt,

adjusting the mirror-- too slow.

I figure I can get on the back of the cycle

from the back door in . seconds.

Next, there's maneuverability.

Why, you can maneuver a whole fleet of cycles

in the space of one car.

And best of all, they can't ask you

to drop your little brother off somewhere.

There's no trunk.

No! Ow! Let me out! Help!

So what's all this about owning a motorcycle?

Well, the idea came up kind of casually.

Olivia kind of casually mentioned

her older brother Marlon

was selling his to get a larger bike.

I don't know what his problem is

with these motorcycles anyway.

Who does he think he is, Macho Man Marlon?

Just as casually, I planted the idea

that maybe I could buy it.

Do you think he'll take bucks?

Okay, I know it's not a car, but it is a motor vehicle.

And for the first time, it's actually within my grasp.

I hope he says yes.

That cycle needs a kind, loving home,

but knowing Marlon, I'm afraid money talks.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa, guess what I found in my basement,

just waiting for an opportunity like this to arrive.

Wow!

Who's Norbert?

And where did he study art?

He's some guy who plays poker with my dad.

In fact, that's how my dad won this helmet.

He doesn't want it?

Nah, he doesn't want any of the Norbert collection.

You mean there's more besides this?

Norbert was always short of cash,

so he bet whatever--

matching hula dancer table lamps,

size / ice skates,

a sh*t glass collection from Pigeon Forge, Tennessee,

all kinds of junk.

So if Norbert never has any money

and your dad doesn't want his stuff,

how come he plays him?

Hey, Norbert's the only guy my dad can b*at.

Oh. Well, thanks. And thank you, Norbert.

No problem.

So after you get your license and take couple lessons,

you'll be all set.

So did Olivia come through?

I don't know yet.

She said to give her some time to work on Marlon.

It's been about an hour.

Well, minutes... almost.

Hey, minutes is almost minutes, isn't it?

Yes, madam, when you sign up with my company's

phone calling plan,

you'll receive benefits way too numerous to mention.

Mention them?

Okay.

Ferguson, you gonna be long?

One moment, please, I need to consult

my customer service manual.

Buzz off, sis.

I got a fish on the line, and I don't wanna lose her.

- But I need... - Let me see.

As a customer of the FCC,

the Ferguson Communications Company,

you will receive genuine FCC service

and genuine FCC quality.

Ferguson.

And the best part is, you'll never receive a bill,

just a call from me each month to tell you how much you owe.

Isn't that convenient?

Hey, who can read those darn phone bills anyway?

[line clicks, dial tone hums]

Hello?

Hello?

Ferguson, what are you trying to pull?

It's a plan so incredibly simple,

I'm surprised no one ever thought of it before.

How's it work?

I get calling cards assigned to me

under a variety of names-- Ferguson Darling,

F.W. Darling, Ferguson W. Darling.

Well, if you run out of names to call yourself,

I've got a list a mile long.

Then I let each customer use a different number

to make calls.

I get the bills and charge them only what they owe.

But why would anyone buy service from you

when they could buy it

from the big long-distance companies?

Ah, because when you sign up with one of the big boys,

you don't get one of these with every offer!

That's just one of those rubber jar-opening thingies.

Do they know that's what they're getting?

They're aware that they'll be receiving a prize.

And what's in it for you?

Oh, I get the frequent flier miles.

- The what? - The frequent flier miles.

Mom and Dad get five frequent flier miles

every time they make a long-distance call.

With all my customers making calls,

I'll have enough miles for a trip around the world.

Which part of that plan was simple?

The part that thought it up.

You'll be laughing out of the other side of your mouth

when I'm the youngest person ever

to travel the globe.

I'll save us all time and laugh out of both sides now.

Ha-ha.

Olivia, it's me. So?

But did you tell him I'd take care of it?

But doesn't our friendship count?

Okay.

Okay.

Thanks anyway.

Later.

That didn't sound so good.

No takers yet,

but Marlon put ads in the gym, the pennysaver,

and he lowered the price.

- How much? - A couple hundred.

So he still thinks it's gonna move.

Yeah, but what he doesn't know is, where it's moving

is into my possession.

But how? You don't have that kind of money.

No, but I can get it.

Your dad's Norbert collection gives me an idea.

Yeah?

There's a ton of junk in the garage

my mom's been meaning to toss for months.

Why not just sell it at a garage sale?

Good theory.

But who wants your family's old junk?

Somebody might.

After all, we wanted it once.

Well, the good news is, it's been a few days now.

Marlon still hasn't sold his motorcycle yet.

The bad news is, my yard sale proved

that's not the only thing nobody wants to buy.

I tried passing off the broken globe

as a handy kitchen utensil.

No sale, even when I offered to throw in the chips.

Some people have such a narrow world view.

And I found out real quick...

The bottom's dropped out of the used toy market.

I thought the swivel part of my dad's old chair

would make a lovely lazy Susan,

but the customers were not into fast food.

I did unloaded a small pile of stuff.

The rest went to the dump, along with my hopes

of ever getting my hands on that motorcycle.

- Hey. - What's up?

Mind if I hang out here for a while?

Sure. Are you okay?

What's the loudest sound you ever heard in your life?

You mean aside from when Ferguson's eating?

For me, it's the sound of Mount Wesley erupting.

Wesley, your dad?

The walls are shaking at the Dupree home

this afternoon.

- What happened? - Well, Marlon got a new bike.

The problem is, he hasn't sold his old bike yet.

Talk about an embarrassment of riches.

Yell about is more like it.

That's what my dad start doing when he got home

and he couldn't fit his car in the garage.

Well, that gives me a pretty radical notion.

Yeah.

My yard sale left plenty of room in the garage

for a small cycle.

- He could store it over here? - Why not?

- Your folks wouldn't mind? - I'll bet they never notice.

Well, he'll probably get a buyer soon.

I still hope that buyer is gonna be me.

You know, he may just be desperate enough

to go with it.

I can relate.

When it comes to motor vehicles,

I understand desperation.

- But one thing. - What?

You're not riding it,right?

Because Marlon would end my life with one blow.

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

I'll go see what he says.

I can't believe it.

That motorcycle is practically already mine.

I can almost feel the heat of the engine.

Now I better think of a way

to warm up my parents to the idea.

There.

The motorcycle is safe and sound

and stored away behind the twig chipper,

the leaf eater, the weed whacker,

and the Garden Weasel.

How come we have to hide it?

I thought you said it was cool to stash it here.

[whistling]

Hold that thought. My dad. Just follow my lead.

- Hi, Dad! - Hello, Mr. Darling.

Hey, what's going on? You two up to no good?

- No! - No!

Whatever makes you think that, Dad?

Well, it's just a figure of speech.

Oh, sure. I knew that.

You got plans for today?

Oh, well, we were just sitting out here

talking about movieswe like.

Um, yeah. Movies.

You know how you just see that one movie

you know you're gonna remember all your life?

Oh, sure.

For me, it wasThe Graduate,

Romeo and Juliet, Clockwork Orange.

Yeah, what was that one about the two hippie guys

on motorcycles?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Now you're talking aboutEasy Rider.

That was it. Easy Rider.

That was the most important film of my life

when I was in high school.

Captain America and Billy,

thumbing their noses at society

and its rules, taking off on their choppers

in a cloud of dust and experiencing

whatever lay in front of them.

Oh, that was a great movie.

I know.

Wouldn't it be cool to own a motorcycle

and follow their example?

No plans, total freedom.

You know what was best of all?

I'm sorry, did you say own one?

- Yeah. - Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea how dangerous a motorcycle is?

Besides, you get all dusty and your butt falls asleep

from the vibrations, and have you ever tried

to get that grease out from under your fingernails?

So just to be clear, what you're saying is,

you don't like motorcycles?

Well, as a metaphor, I love them,

but I would never own one or ride one.

No, that's crazy, sport.

Well, I got stuff to do.

So, you two, you stay out of trouble.

- Trouble? - Trouble?

No, it's just a figure of speech.

Well, so much for buying Marlon's bike.

Want to find him someplace else to store it?

No way.

My parents are gonna be cool about it.

They just don't know yet.

Sure. I can see it now.

"No, that's crazy, sport."

Good luck.

But, Olivia, they haven't even seen it yet.

Look at the chrome, the leather, the--

Well, we can hammer the dents out later.

But it's right here. It's calling to me.

I can't believe it.

Am I really gonna have to take no for an answer?

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

Okay, right now, I'm caught in the clutches of a power

that's a lot more thunderous

than an internal combustion engine,

a lot more frightening

than the roar of parental disapproval.

It's that awful, evil, gripping monster...

temptation.

Right now, temptation's power is speaking to me

through a cc engine.

Hey, what was I supposed to do?

My dad needed a lawn mower, so I had to think fast.

Man, what I wouldn't give to turn the key.

I know my parents wouldn't like the idea,

but why not?

I mean, what do they think I'm gonna do?

[engine revving]

Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

Help!

Oh! Aah!

Well, that would certainly shake things up

a little around here.

I don't know how much longer

I can control the urge to ride it.

I think about it, dream about it,

draw pictures of it on my notebook covers.

Why wasn't I born old enough to drive?

[ladder bangs]

- Hi, Sam. - Hey, Clarissa.

You know, I peeked your garage,

but I didn't see...

the motorcycle.

My dad was about to have a close encounter

of the two-wheeled kind.

I don't get it, Clarissa. Why are you hiding it?

Why can't you just say Marlon needed a place

to stash it until he sells it?

Maybe at one time, I could have,

but now that I've decided to ride it--

- You're gonna ride it? - Yeah.

- See, what I'm gonna do is-- - You're really gonna ride it?

I can't help it, Sam.

I have to try, and it has to be

before my parents see the bike.

But--

If my parents know

the motorcycle's stashed over here,

they're gonna tell me not to ride it.

- Right. - Then if I do, I'm in deep.

But if they don't know and I do it,

they haven't forbidden it first,

so it's not so bad, right?

Well, okay, if you're sure you can ride it.

- How hard can it be? - The pavement?

Riding. Why are you so against this?

Besides the fact that you don't have a license?

Yes, technically that's true, but I'm not talking

about riding into town and gunning the engine

under the mayor's wife's window.

I'm talking about, you know, once around the block.

[sighs] Clarissa--

Sam, I can't get this thing out of my mind.

Well, it would help if you got it out of your bedroom.

That would just be delaying the inevitable, Sam.

I'm itching to ride. I can't control it.

Here, take a look at this.

What is it?

I actually put myself in a video game.

Watch.

See, Sam? There's nothing to it.

It's all a matter of balance,

controlled speed,

proper braking, and...

Hey! Where did he come from?

You were saying?

Not to worry, Sam.

This is just a dumb game.

Besides, when's the last time you saw a panda

on a tricycle on Shadow Lane?

I don't see why you're all so confused down there

at the phone company.

The reason we have so many calling cards

is, we have a lot of people living here.

Yes. Yes, I am Ferguson Darling.

No.

F.W. Darling is my son.

Yes.

Yes, and Ferguson W. Darling ishisson.

Mm-hmm. Yes, it's an extended family.

We're very close.

Well, I don't see where that's any of your business,

but I'm, uh...

years old next Wednesday.

Capricorn.

No, no, no. That's quite all right.

No, no. Sure.

You have to keep a sharp eye out

for any kind of improper activity.

No, I want you to understand that as a concerned citizen,

I will do my share to help stamp out fraud.

Oh, gotta go.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Ferguson. Who was that?

Oh, wrong number.

Ooh, funny, this phone bill is incredibly fat this month.

Oh, it's probably stuffed with junk mail, Mom.

- Can I have it? - What for?

Oh, school project.

I'm studying the advertising techniques of the, uh,

information age.

Gotta go. Thanks.

Ferguson, you can have the junk mail,

but I need the bill.

Ferguson!

Ugh!

Kids!

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, sweetheart.

- Hi, Mrs. Darling. - Nice to see you, Samuel.

I thought you had a meeting at the museum.

Oh, it got canceled. So what are you guys up to?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

What have you got there?

- Where? - In your hand.

Um, it's a helmet.

- Oh. - Sam's helmet.

Just practicing for the mosh pits,

you know, stage-diving at concerts.

- Oh, sounds fun. - Oh, it is fun.

See, to warm up,

I just wear it around,

act like a spaz, and bang into stuff.

Uh-huh.

Well, I used to like going to concerts too.

So are you just gonna be here this afternoon?

I guess so.

- All afternoon? - Well, I suppose.

Why?

No reason.

Well, what are your plans?

Well, right now, we have to go

put something away in the garage.

Look, maybe it's a good thing you didn't get to ride.

At least this way,

you don't know what you're missing.

Right.

And maybe it's good for convicts

in solitary confinement to never see the sun.

I've gotta take off.

I've gotta go to the hospital

with my dad to visit Uncle Eddie.

Eddie, which uncle's that?

My dad's sister's ex-husband, the guy with no thumbs.

Oh, yeah. Is he okay?

He's got mono. Nothing serious.

Wish I could give you a ride.

Hang in there, Evel Knievel. You'll make it.

Boy, temptation is a rough thing.

Here I am, hiding stuff from my parents,

thinking about breaking the law.

And why?

Maybe there's a part of me that's trying to break free.

I wonder what that would be like.

Come on.

Hey, pops, make with the service.

Yeah, man. We want to have a ball.

We wanna wail, right, Chopper?

The Young Rebels.

What are you rebelling against anyway?

What have you got?

Tough. Real tough.

Rebels?

You're nothing but a bunch of phonies, all of you.

You probably stole that trophy too.

Why don't you give it back so they can give it to someone

who deserves it?

Get me my bike.

Phony? I'll show you who's a phony.

Do you guys know how to start this thing?

I don't know about starting,

but one thing that's gotta stop

is my obsession with this motorcycle.

For better or for worse, I've gotta try to ride it.

Hey.

- I'm glad you came. - No problem.

Getting in trouble for sneaking out is nothing

compared to what Marlon's going to do to me

if you bust his bike.

I'm not gonna bust his bike.

We won't even talk about you busting your head.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Oh, hi, Sam. - Hey, Clarissa.

So exactly what route did you plan?

We can call ahead and have ambulances

strategically stationed.

Your confidence overwhelms me.

I'm just gonna start it up, leave a patch of rubber

as I fly out of the driveway,

do a wheelie at the end of the street

up onto the Rademakers' porch 'cause I need a ramp

to launch my aerial flip, then I'm home.

Funny.

Once around the block. That's all.

Piece of cake.

So you know how to shift your body weight

as you lean into a turn, right?

Sure. Who doesn't know that?

And I guess you memorized where all the potholes

and stuff are along the way.

Potholes?

They can really send you flying,

but you probably won't hit any.

And you know how to use the brakes.

Look, guys, could you stand back?

So what do you think, Olivia?

Probably the same as you:

that we need two more of us to make pallbearers.

[engine thrumming]

She's really serious.

[engine revving]

- [engine stops] - What happened?

Tell Marlon he better find another place

to stash his bike.

Good idea.

I don't know how to ride a motorcycle.

I could k*ll myself.

Gee, why didn't we think of that?

This motorcycle business, I'm over it for now.

Finally.

Because what I really want is a car.

I just can't afford one right now, you know?

Guys.

Guys. Wait, guys!

But, Mrs. Brandytwine, can't you give me

a little on your account--

a deuce, a fin, something?

[sighs] No, I don't want the little Brandytwines

going without milk.

But here at FCC, you just can't expect us

to forgive these long-distance charges.

[scoffs] If that's the way you feel about it,

just wait till you hear from my collection company.

You think I'm tough.

Trouble on the line?

This whole Ferguson Communications Company

has been a real eye-opener.

It's unbelievable to think how other people

will try to take advantage of another person.

It must come as quite a shock to you.

Mm. Well, I'm calling it off.

Who wants to spend half their life on the phone,

just trying to get people to pay?

Unless, of course, you'd like to come aboard as my assistant.

- I'd rather lick a slug. - That's too bad.

You know, the real money's in telecommunications,

not to mention the perks.

Even my one-month experiment has earned me

enough frequent flier miles to visit Duluth.

How soon can you leave?

- Good morning, everyone. - Hi, kids.

Mom, Dad, you guys look tired.

Oh, coffee. I need coffee.

I don't know how you slept through that racket.

What racket?

Some inconsiderate person decided the middle of the night

was a good time to race a motorcycle.

- Yeah, probably kids. - Kids.

Well, I just hope it isn't the start

of something new we have to deal with.

Oh, well, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

What makes you say that, Clarissa?

Well, it was probably just somebody passing through.

It's a quiet neighborhood.

Who'd be crazy enough to own a motorcycle?

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na