01x16 - Student debt

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome! Welcome to
"Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

It's so exciting
to be back with you.

Just time for a quick recap

of what we've missed
since we were on break.

In a word, !sis.

In three words,
holy f*ck, !sis!

[Audience laughter]

They are the t*rror1st group
that is currently

scaring the shit out
of the entire planet.

Everyone is worried
about how to respond to them,

including,
as we learned this week,

their fellow t*rrorists.

It's all been about !sis
in Iraq and Syria,

and al-Qaeda is very conscious
that they're yesterday's story.

!sis is, you know, the flavor
of the month right now.

You know, Ayman al-Zawahiri,
who's now in his mid-60s,

is feeling that, you know,

"Hey, no one's really
paying attention to me."

"Boo hoo hoo hoo!

"Nobody's paying
attention to me!

"I do bad things, too!
Why don't you care?

It's not fair!"

That's right.

The head of al-Qaeda

is feeling neglected.

And he's tried everything,

from posting sad, cryptic
Facebook status updates...

[Laughter]

to even doing
the Ice Bucket Challenge.

"Brr!

"And so--and now I challenge
you, Adam Levine and Ellen Page.

You have 24 hours!"

In fact, al-Zawahiri attempted
to regain the terror momentum

from !sis this week
by releasing a new video

announcing that al-Qaeda has
expanded into India.

TRANSLATOR: My Muslim
brothers everywhere,

I announce to
all Muslims in the world

and especially in
the Indian subcontinent

the founding of a new branch.

OK. First, don't call it
a "new branch."

You are a t*rror1st
organization,

not a Capital One.

And secondly,
this just proves

al-Qaeda is
running out of ideas.

Going to India
to remain relevant

is such a tired concept.

I mean, yes, it worked
for the Beatles

and Danny Boyle and,
to some extent, Wes Anderson,

but al-Qaeda is supposed
to be better than that.

But you can see why
al-Zawahiri is threatened

because even when the media is
supposed to be talking

about his videotape,
they can't stop discussing

how much more entertaining
!sis's videos are.

One of the interesting things,
Wolf, about the videotape

was how boring it is.

You know, I mean, here is--
you know, when you think about

the !sis social media campaign
that they're waging,

it's highly effective,
it's well-edited,

it's exciting,
there's music.

Here, you've got a picture
of Ayman al-Zawahiri

just sort of blabbing away
for half an hour.

"Blabbing away"? Ouch!

"Blah, blah, blah.
Am I right?"

"This guy truly is
a mass m*rder*r.

He is boring me to death."

[Laughter]

It seems that everyone has
noticed !sis's viral success,

even the U.S. government,
because they recently decided

that for some reason,
it would be a good idea

to try to beat !sis
at their own game.

MAN: The State Department has
produced a counter-narrative,

Wolf, a new video from
the State Department.

We can show you a clip
of that right there as well,

that it sarcastically
kind of tells

potential !sis recruits
that they can

"learn new, useful skills

"by blowing up mosques,
by crucifying

and executing Muslims,"
as you see there.

[Audience groans]

What the f*ck are you doing?

[Laughter]

The State Department
has genuinely created

a sarcastic parody
recruitment video for !sis

that begins with the words
"Run, do not walk to !sis Land."

And you are banking a lot
on any potential militants

understanding
that that is sarcasm.

Oh, you know what?

I was just about
to join !sis, but then

I saw your
very clever video

telling me to join !sis,

but using ironic juxtaposition
of words and images

to suggest that I should
actually do the opposite,

just like Chandler
in "Friends," you know?

"Could we be any more militant?"

It's great stuff.
I totally get it.

I totally get it.

Ironic propaganda is
a dangerous game

for a government to be
playing, believe me,

because this did not work
for England when we tried

to pull this shit
on Germany back in 1936.

MAN: That Hitler chappie seems
like he's got some swell ideas.

Here's a thought.
Why don't you all...

And while you're at it,

Poland's nice
this time of year.

Why don't you just pop
over there and take it?

That would be
a really good idea.

Are we 100% sure they are going
to get the sarcasm here?

[Laughter]

And finally this week, Libya.

It has been three years
since Gaddafi fell,

so how are things
going over there?

Well, that really depends

on your opinion of pool parties.

Personally, I've never been
a fan of waddling around

with a stomachache in
a tepid pool of human filth,

but it seems that Libyan rebels
would beg to differ.

MAN: In a country
freefalling into chaos...

[Men clamoring]

Libyan gunmen celebrate.

They've just taken an American
diplomatic compound,

so they take to
the swimming pool,

a symbolic moment
they want the world to see.

[Laughter]
OK, OK.

I have to say, on one hand,
the nation of Libya seems

to be descending into chaos at
the hands of Islamist militias.

But on the other hand,
that does look

like one b*mb-ass pool party.

Bust out the pizza rolls and
the two-liters of Mountain Dew

because Tripoli has
fallen and, gentlemen,

it's time to play
some Marco f*cking Polo!

Marco! Marco!

We're having fun.
This is fun, right?

It's supposed to be fun.

Clearly this situation
is not ideal,

although we may have stumbled
on a very useful shorthand

for all potential foreign-policy
fiascos in the future.

We better be careful how we
leave Afghanistan,

or it could turn into a total
Libyan pool party over there.

And don't get me
started on Ukraine.

That's a Libyan pool party
waiting to happen.

Oh, and one more thing, guys.

How about we take that
sarcastic !sis video down?

Because that thing has
the potential to end in

the biggest Libyan pool party
the world has ever seen.

And now, this.

You got to hand it to him.

Yes. Yes, you do.

He was off and running.

He was off and running.

One way of dealing
with anxiety--

Is to laugh at it.
Is to laugh at it.

So it drives the price up.
So it drives the price up.

You did everything together.

Everything together.

With that cartoon?
With that cartoon.

SANJAY GUPTA: He is sort of
the father of hot sauce.

He's the father
of hot sauce.

That surprise you?
It does surprise me.

And you're saying
we shouldn't.
I think we shouldn't.

There's no reason
to prepare.
No reason to prepare.

And that's essentially
a commercial for Go Pro.

Essentially a commercial
for Go Pro.

All of them banned?

All of them banned.

With the crowd there?

With the crowd right there.

That's quite an image.

Quite an image.

It was almost
a cakewalk, actually.

A cakewalk?
Yeah.

To beat the system?
To beat the system.

To cheat?
To cheat.

[Clock ticking]

Moving on.

Moving on to
our main story tonight.

This week, hundreds
of thousands of students

started classes at colleges
and universities,

and one thing is
increasingly clear.

By the time they graduate,
most students are going

to be leaving with a lot more
than just a tacky polyester robe

and a copy of "Oh,
the Places You'll Go!"

that their tearful aunt
got them.

They'll be leaving with this.

MAN: Seven of ten graduating
students left college

last year in debt.

The total bill due
for students in America

tops $1 trillion.

That's right.

Student debt in the U.S. is
now bigger than debt

from credit cards
and auto loans

and is second only to mortgages.

Essentially,
student debt is like HPV.

If you go to college,
you're almost certainly going

to get it, and if you do,
it will follow you

for the rest of your life

because legally, student debt
is a special kind of debt.

MAN: It is the most collectible
kind of debt there is.

It is non-dischargeable
in bankruptcy,

they will garnish your wages,

they will intercept
your tax refund,

they will sue you in court.

Oh, they won't stop there.

They'll steal your wallets,
they'll pawn your baby shoes,

they will shrink themselves
down to two inches high,

hide in your pocket,
and take that money back

one dime at a time.

Student debt has tripled
in the past decade.

It has surpassed Bob Marley's
"Greatest Hits" album

as the thing seemingly
every college student has.

How did this happen?

Well, more than 90%
of student debt is subsidized

by the federal government,
and it all started

with such good intentions.

Here is one of the Federal
Student Loan Program's

early champions.

Poverty must not be
a bar to learning,

and learning must offer
an escape from poverty.

Ah, "Escape From Poverty."

By the way, the single worst
Kurt Russell movie ever made.

[Laughter]

But...

But a higher education
system open to all was

one of LBJ's top priorities,

along with creating, of course,
a Libyan pool party in Vietnam

and finding a pair of pants

that could contain
his gigantic testicles.

Now, that last one
might sound like a joke,

but listen to this actual
phone conversation that he had

in the Oval Office
with a representative

from the Haggar
Clothing Company.

[Laughter, cheering,
and applause]

That's real.

Look, we all thought the "B"

in LBJ stood for Baines,

but it actually stands
for "Balls, Balls,

My Big, Bulbous Balls Are
Too Close to My Bunghole."

[Laughter]

Isn't history fun?

But like LBJ's testicles,
the Federal Student Loan Program

has now swollen to
uncomfortable proportions.

[Laughter]

One reason for this might be
that in recent years,

states have slashed funding
for higher education

by 23%.

Public institutions
have responded by raising

tuition rates, forcing students
to take out ever larger loans.

Why else do you think
that colleges have

so many f*cking
a cappella groups?

They know they sound stupid.

They just can't afford
instruments anymore.

[Laughter]

Another consequence
of these cuts has been

that some community colleges
have been forced

to reduce capacity,
leading to things

like a nursing program
in North Carolina

with a waiting list just to get
on the waiting list,

because that is what you need
in the land of tobacco

and barbecue--
a shortage of nurses.

But all this shows
that people in this country,

they want to go to school
to better their lives,

and it is good that they
have broad access

to federal funds to
help them do that.

The problem is this is where we
meet one of the biggest drivers

of student debt--
for-profit schools,

like University of Phoenix
and ITT Tech.

Most of them are publicly
traded on Wall Street,

and they run
commercials like this.

MAN: One evening
I was watching TV,

then an ITT Tech
commercial came on,

and I decided
to give them a call.

I think my education's
paid off tremendously.

I got into the field
of aerospace.

It's been over 12 years now.
Good job, buddy.

There's nothing I would
change about my life.

We've been married
almost 10 years now.

We have two beautiful boys.

Everything is perfect.

Hmm, that's nice,

although I will say there's
something about the phrase

"everything is perfect" that I
find inherently suspicious

'cause the only other
person who says that is

Janice in Accounting,
and she secretly puts

Jim Beam in her coffee cup

and repeats, "Keep it together,
you can do this, Janice"

into the bathroom mirror
five times a day.

For-profit schools account
for nearly a third

of all student loans,
despite having just 13%

of our country's students.

That is way out of proportion,

and part of why
for-profit schools account

for so much student debt is
that they are not cheap.

MAN: I was surprised
to learn how expensive

tuition at
the for-profits is--

five to six times the cost
of a community college,

and as much as twice
a four-year state university.

Wow.

Five to six times the cost
of a community college,

plus you don't even get
to hang out with a study group

full of lovable scamps for...

[Cheering and applause]
for, let's say,

for how long?

For, let's say,
six seasons and a movie.

But if you are wondering why
they charge so much,

it is nothing to do
with the quality of education.

DeFUSCO: If you take
a look at for-profit colleges,

the analysts will tell you that
anywhere between 20% and 25%

of the total revenue
of a company

is in sales and marketing.

About a quarter.

In most cases, the faculty are
in the 10% to 20% range.

They spend half the amount

on teachers that they do
on marketing.

Think about that.
He's basically saying,

"Hey, teachers, we're not
saying you don't matter,

we're just saying ads about you
matter twice as much."

You know, one for you, two for
a spot during "Wayne Brady."

That's about fair.

The thing is, from a purely
business perspective,

that disparity makes
some kind of sense.

DeFUSCO: When I go
and buy perfume

for my mom...

the chemicals in the bottle

and the bottle itself
amount to about...



The advertising amounts
to...five or six bucks.

OK, for a start,

stop buying perfume for
your mom, you f*cking creep.

[Laughter and applause]

[Sniffing]

"Mmm, I like the way
you smell, Mom."

[Inhales deeply]

"You smell good."

[Laughter]

And secondly, perfume is not
education, although I will say

both do market themselves
aggressively.

Now, with perfume, it's
spraying it into people's eyes

when they walk into
a department store,

and for for-profit schools,
it's actually even worse.

MAN: Zahra Crowley was
a recruiter

at the for-profit
Westwood College in 2007.

Crowley says she quit because
she couldn't continue preying

on low-income youth and using
something called pain points.

Pain point would be something--
they work at McDonald's,

they don't want to be
like their parents.

We'd turn it on them and say,

"I thought you wanted
to do something with your life.

"Do you want to work
at McDonald's

for the rest of your life?"

Yeah. They are told
to hit people's pain points.

The only professionals
who should be doing that

are dominatrixes

or emo bands.

That's it.

And this pain-point approach

seems to be
an industry-wide technique.

This is an actual slide

some ITT Tech recruiters
were shown during training.

That photo is
from "Marathon Man,"

where Laurence Olivier
famously played

a n*zi torturer.

And it's maybe not saying much
for your business model

if your essential logic
is, "Hey, guys,

"this worked really well
for the Nazis.

Let's at least give it a go."

But if you do sign up
for one of these schools,

what kind of education
are you going to get?

Well, remember the ITT Tech
graduate from earlier

and his absolutely
perfect f*cking life?

Well, but it actually
says on the screen

that he graduated with
an Associate's Degree

in Engineering
from ITT's Sylmar campus.

Now, we checked
their public filings,

and out of 115 students

who enrolled in that program
in the class of 2012,



and only 13 found work
in that field,

meaning everyone else would have
genuinely been better off

studying Engineering
at Hogwarts,

'cause at least that way,

they'd have a f*cking owl
to show for it.

[Laughter]

And even for those
who do graduate,

job hunting might be
a little difficult, as students

from a Corinthian College
nursing program found.

I've been on--[scoffs]--
countless interviews,

and they all ask if I've
ever been in a hospital,

and I would have to tell
them, "We never set foot

in a hospital, ever."

We went to a museum
of Scientology

for our psychiatric
rotation.

What?

[Laughter]

Scientologists do not
believe in psychiatry!

Their museum
is literally called

Psychiatry:
An Industry of Death.

Going to the museum
of Scientology

for your psychiatric rotation
is certifiably insane

or evidence of a buildup
of thetans in your system.

It's--there's no--
you teach the controversy.

Now, full disclosure,
we asked Corinthian about this,

and they requested that we
point out a few things,

such as the fact that those
women later sued the school,

a financial settlement
was reached, and that

those women later went on
to become registered nurses,

and also that us not mentioning
those facts to you

would "constitute reckless
disregard for the truth."

I mean, not the kind
of reckless disregard

for the truth that would lead
you to send medical students

to a f*cking Scientology museum,
but, you know, pretty reckless.

Pretty reckless, nonetheless.

Also...

[Cheering and applause]

They also wanted us to take
"clear and extensive note

of subsequent events."

In interest of doing that,
you should know

that this summer, after
a government investigation

of their job placement numbers,
Corinthian Colleges have agreed

to sell or close every school
they operate in the U.S.

I presume that that's what they
wanted us to tell you,

so job done.

[Cheering and applause]
Now, to be fair--

to be fair here--
we're good, we're good.

Now, to be fair here,
the federal government

does try to regulate
these schools.

They are only allowed
a mere 90%

of their funding to come
from federal loans.

However, for-profit schools
have found themselves

a truly horrifying loophole.

The 90/10 rule says that
the schools can only have


coming from loans,

but the other 10% could
come from veteran loans.

They exempted
the veterans' benefits,

so these schools have gone after
the veterans' benefits as a way

to leverage their ability
to sign up more students.

Yeah, they're going
after veterans,

and the only time going
after veterans is OK is

when you let them walk through
the door in front of you,

not when you try to take
their f*cking money.

Now, for-profit schools
took in $1.7 billion

in G.I. Bill money in the last
reported school year alone,

and this is the length
to which Ashford University

was willing to go
to get that sweet, sweet,

budget-assisting veteran dollar.

MAN: I went to a Marine base
in North Carolina, and I found

that one of the for-profit
colleges was sending a recruiter

to the Wounded Warriors
barracks,

where she was signing up
brain-injured Marines

who even had difficulty

remembering what courses
they were taking.

Holy shit.

I will say this for
for-profit schools.

They've just given us all
a first-class education

in the depths
of human depravity.

We all have a diploma
in that now.

And here is where
I actually have

some good news and some
bad news for you.

The good news is,
a few years back,

the Obama administration
proposed tighter

gainful employment standards.

The bad news is everything
that happened after that.

The for-profit industry
spent $10 million in lobbying

that year, and also--and this,
thankfully, is a fun bit--

their trade group
inundated the government

with thousands of letters
from ordinary students

and educators, asking them not
to tighten the regulations,

and let me read one to you.

It reads...

[Laughter]

Many, many people

didn't even bother
filling in the blanks!

[Laughter]

Couldn't they at least have
done it a bit like "Mad Libs"?

You could have gone
to Butt Cheese University,

seeking a degree
in Wiener Studies.

Go the extra mile.

And the worst thing is
the campaign worked.

The gainful employment rules
were weakened

and eventually
struck down completely.

The latest version
of the rules are expected

by November, and the for-profit
school trade group

APSCU is still lobbying
hard against them.

And if you'd like to,
um, let APSCU know

how you feel about
their industry's behavior,

we've actually prepared
a form letter for you

which reads...

[Cheering and applause]
"Whatever the benefits"...

Feel free--feel free

to go online,
copy this letter,

please do not bother
to fill it in at all,

and send it to APSCU
at this address.

And that might make you feel
a little bit better,

but it will only be temporary,

because the student debt
problem is far bigger

than just for-profit schools.

If they all went away,
student debt problem

would still be here because
our leaders have decided

that while education is
incredibly important,

it is not important enough
to actually pay for.

So, with that in mind,
let me speak right now

to all current freshmen
in college

who have student loans.

OK, ahem.

You need to stop watching
this show right now.

You don't have time for this.

Get out there and enjoy the f*ck
out of your college experience

because you may be paying for it
for the rest of your life.

I am serious.
Drink beer from a funnel.

Kidnap a mascot.

Find out if you're gay or not,
and even if you are not,

have some gay experiences.

Do it now.
It doesn't count.

Become that weird guy on campus

who rides a unicycle
from class to class.

Find out whoever
the Winklevoss Twins

of your school are and steal
their idea for a website,

and sh**t fireworks out
of every bodily orifice

you can f*cking find.

Do it now.

Please, make sure
your college years

are the best ones of your life,
because thanks to the debt

that we are saddling you with,

they almost certainly will be.

Get out there and do it!
Go nuts! Go crazy!

[Cheering and applause]

And now, this.

You don't hear the calls?
You don't hear the call.

You don't see the names?
You don't see the name.

And that was you.
That was me.

MIKE WALLACE: You were
chaste at the time.
Mm-hmm, I was chaste.

It didn't turn out that way.
It didn't turn out that way.

SCOTT PELLEY:
Only in America.
Right, only in America.

There was a backup plan?
There was a backup plan.

PELLEY: Is that essentially it?
Yeah, that's
essentially it.

Old heart, new heart.
Old heart, new heart.

You ended up with
the national championship.

Yep, ended up with
a national championship.

It was a proposal.
It was a proposal.

To destroy computers.

To destroy computers?
To destroy computers.

LESLEY STAHL: It's like
you can't let go.

You can't let go?
You can't let go.

Respect.
Respect?

Respect.

[Clock ticking]

[Cheering and applause]
And finally...

And finally tonight,
before we go,

you might remember that
a little over a month ago,

I brought to your attention

the single most urgent
crisis of our time.

Russia has lost contact
with a satellite

full of possibly mating geckos.

They were trying to observe
their mating activities

in zero gravity, but after
just a few orbits,

their pod stopped responding
to Mission Control.

It was terrifying.

Now, you may remember that
in response to that,

we launched our famous
#gogetthosegeckos campaign,

uniting all fans of
astro-reptilian fornication

from across the globe.

And soon after we
launched our campaign,

it seemed that we were
victorious.

We even released a web video
announcing the good news.

Russia has regained
communication

with their interstellar
orgy-mobile!

Ladies and gentlemen, we did it!

The geckos got got!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, I remember those days.

Such pure, distilled joy.

Well, it turns out

I may have been
a little premature

because the satellite landed
earlier this week,

and Russia had a tragic
announcement to make.

Russian officials say
five geckos

that were sent
to space have died.

No!

[Laughter]

Do you know what? I would ask
for a moment of silence,

but that's frankly
not enough.

In honor of the five
brave geckos

who lost their lives,
please join me

in five mournful flicks
of the tongue.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

OK, OK, look,

look, I want answers now.

I want answers!

How did this happen?

Apparently they froze to death
because of equipment failure.

On the bright side, fruit flies
on that same mission survived.

[Laughter]

Who gives a shit?!

I don't care
about the fruit flies!

I only care about
the frozen f*ck lizards!

Listen, up in that shuttle,

there were four females
and one male.

And we sent those geckos
to have sex in space,

not because they were easy,
but because he was hard.

[Laughter]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Cheering and applause]
This...

This is devastating,

and these brave,
horny space reptiles

deserve a dignified sendoff.

Those geckos may not have
been able to speak English

because they were Russian.

[Laughter]

And they may not have been
able to speak Russian

because they were geckos.

But I am sure that they
could understand

the universal language of music.

So, with that in mind,

to help me honor their memory,

singing their hit song
"Say Something,"

please welcome
A Great Big World.

[Cheering and applause]

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

We're all going to miss

those horny little
f*ck lizards.

[Laughter]

♪ I'm sorry that I
couldn't get to you ♪

But let's remember
they died

doing what they loved--

f*cking in space.

♪ Anywhere I would've
followed you ♪

And I know that
right now, right now,

they're up in heaven,
right up there.

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

And they are having
high-pitched sex

on the ceiling
of God's bedroom.

BOTH: ♪ And I

♪ Swallow my pride

[Laughter and applause]

♪ You're the one
that I love ♪

♪ And I'm saying good-bye

[Cheering and applause]

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

[Sustained applause]

♪ I'm sorry that I
couldn't get to you ♪

♪ And anywhere I would've
followed you ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Say something,
I'm giving up on you ♪

JOHN: Thank you so much
for watching.

My--my--my deep thanks
to A Great Big World.

Please, please do
join us...next week.

Good night to you.

♪ Say something

[Cheering and applause]