02x06 - National Collegiate Athletic Association

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[cheering, applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for being with us.

Just time
for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin with !sis,

the Ebola of people.

[laughter]
They've had themselves
a bit of an up-and-down week,

because on one hand,
they were mostly driven out
of Tikrit in Iraq,

but on the other hand,
they gained a new ally.

!sis is expanding
from the Middle East

to new territory
in West Africa.

The extremist group accepted
a pledge of allegiance

from Nigeria-based
Boko Haram.

Boko Haram has apparently
pledged allegiance to !sis.

Yet, you can't deny
they do go together,

like peanut butter and jelly,

or more specifically, like
diarrhea and spoiled monkfish.

But-- but strangely,

the merger was
discussed this week

in terms that
you would normally associate

with a more traditional
type of acquisition.

Reporter:
The new alliance
already evident online.

Boko Haram's Twitter account
featuring a slick new look,

With the brand that began
with the Islamic State,

they can get more recruits,
they can get more money,

and they can get
more media attention.

What !sis gets
out of this, Charlie,

is a major advance
for their brand.

[laughter]
What?

"A major advance
for their brand"?

You're talking about
two terror organizations,

not a merger between Stragglr
and The Daily Bounce.

And yes, yes,
I made up the names
of those two startups,

but you get the point.

But the fight against !sis
also got an unexpected
recruit this week,

because there was
a benefit concert

in the Kurdish region
of Northern Iraq

featuring pretty much
the last person you'd expect.

I'm kind of honored that...

this country has basically
paid attention to Nelly.

Yes. Yes.

Nelly performed a concert
this week in Erbil,

and I am glad he did,

because if you've
ever wondered

if Nelly was ever
in an Islamic country,

how would he
be able to sing the lyrics
to his most famous song,

"It's getting hot in here,
so take off all your clothes,

"I am getting so hot..."

[falsetto]
♪ I'm gonna take
my clothes off ♪

...then you now
have an answer.

♪ It's getting hot in here
♪ So hot

♪ So take off...
[music drops]

Ladies!
♪ I am getting...

[music drops]
Nelly:
I wanna hear you, honey!

♪ It's getting hot in here
♪ So hot!

♪ So take off all your...
[music dropping]

Ladies! Hey, hey!
♪ I am... so hot...

Ladies!

The problem is
those edits really changed
the meaning of that song,

because now it's
just a man complaining
about the heat

and proposing
no solution whatsoever.

That's not sexy.

Moving on now
to Ireland, Europe's Boston,

home of...

home of more red hair
than Debra Messing's
shower drain.

Well, Ireland had
an interesting 24 hours
this week,

following a bizarre
court ruling.

The possession of a range
of psychoactive dr*gs

has been made legal,
temporarily,

following a ruling
by the appeal court.

The ruling means
possession of dr*gs,

including ecstasy,
magic mushrooms

and so-called "headshop dr*gs"
is currently legal.

Yes, multiple dr*gs
were accidentally legalized

in Ireland for a day.

Although I will say this,

if you were waiting
for ecstasy to become legal
before trying it,

you're probably
not the type of person

who's gonna
really take to ecstasy.

You might wanna stick
with taking Nyquil

and spinning around
three times.

It's basically the same.

But the best detail
in this whole story

was the underlying case
that prompted the ruling,

and I'll let
an Irish newscaster
fill you in.

A case was brought here
before the Court of Appeal
this morning

by a man
prosecuted for "possession
with intent to supply"

the illegal high meow-meow.

Yes, there is a drug
called meow-meow.

I'm guessing side effects
include aloofness

and a heightened interest
in string.

"Oh, you gotta try
meow-meow, brah.

"The laser shows
are incredible."

And finally--
finally this week,

we turn to Brazil,

where even
the Amazon rain forest
looks like it's gotten a wax.

Now, President Dilma Rousseff
has spent the whole week

dealing with developments
in a corruption scandal

which threatens to undermine
her entire government.

Brazil's Supreme Court
has approved

an investigation
into some of the country's
top politicians.

They're accused
of taking bribes in exchange
for lucrative oil contracts

from the state-run
oil company Petrobras.

Now, when they say
"taking bribes,"

this isn't your standard
five grand left in an envelope
left under a bench,

'cause Brazil's
largest construction
and engineering firms

allegedly paid
at least $800 million

in bribes and other funds
to secure contracts.



You'd need an amazing
construction firm

just to build
a bench large enough

to hide that bribe
underneath.

More than 30 members
of Rousseff's ruling coalition

are under investigation,
so she took to the airwaves

this weekend
to try and calm people down.

[speaking Portuguese]

Translator: You have
every right to get irritated
and be worried,

but I ask for patience
and understanding,

because this situation
is transitory.

Is it?
How is it transitory?

Because unless you're about
to flash the entire country

with one of those
memory-erasing sticks
from "Men in Black,"

I don't think
people are going to
forget about this.

In fact, Brazilians weren't
even listening to her speech
for a pretty loud reason.

Her critics had organized
a kind of pot-banging protest

An eye witness in Sao Paulo
leaned out the window,

"It sounded
like a football game.

"People were banging their pots,
honking their horns."

[loud clanging]

[cars honking]
[man shouts]

[honking]
[dog barks]

[banging]
[man #2 yells]

That's actually
a real form of protest,
called "panelaco",

which has been
in South America for years

and off-Broadway
for decades.

It's so entrenched

it's even taken place
on the floor of Brazil's
legislature.

[speaking Portuguese]

[clangs]

Now, I love
everything about that,

but the best detail there is
the sign language interpreter.

Even he is banging
invisible pots in disgust.

And if you think that
Brazilians are overreacting
to this story,

there is one more thing
you should know

about Rousseff's involvement
in this scandal.

Reporter: President Rousseff
chaired the board of Petrobras

for seven years, when
much of the corruption

is believed
to have taken place.

She's been cleared
of any involvement
in the scheme.

How has she been cleared?

She chaired
the board of Petrobras

while the bribes were--

There's only one way
to handle this.

[clanging]

And now, this!

[announcer speaking]

I don't know about you guys,
but I've always heard

hat you're not supposed
to fight fire with fire.

I don't know about you guys,
but I need a good kisser.

I don't know about you,
but I lived in the '80s,

the '90s, and the 2000s.

I don't know about you,
but it turns out,

I have been abusing a drug.

I don't know about you, Shep.
I ate a lot of hot dogs
growing up.

I don't know about you,
but when I think of flirty talk,

it's not of the r*cist nature.

I don't know about you,
but I don't need
lactation service.

[laughter]

Moving on.
Our main story tonight

concerns the fact that
one of America's most sacred
annual traditions is upon us.

♪
Announcer: Everything
comes down to this...

Man: Oh my goodness!

♪ Tryna get
the wheels in motion ♪

Hey!
Oh, yeah!

Announcer #2:
Bring the noise.

It goes!
Yes!

As good as it gets!

[announcer speaks]

Wow!
[buzzer blares]

Holy shit!

Yes. "March is on.

"f*ck you, February.

"And, April,
I'll see you in hell.

"It's March o'clock,
assholes."

[laughter, applause]
The first round...

The first round
of March Madness,

the year's biggest
college tournament,
starts on Tuesday,

and the entire nation
will be watching,

which means big,
big money.

March Madness now brings in
over a billion dollars
in TV ad revenue.

A billion dollars?

That's more
than the Super Bowl.

It's almost more
than the entire NFL
post-season combined,

and that might
seem like a lot

until you consider
the number of ads
they manage to pack in.

Announcer:
Sponsored by... Lexus.

Announcer #2:
"AT&T At The Half"

is presented by AT&T.

Announcer #3:
Our game is brought
to you in HDTV by HP.

Announcer #4:
Coke Zero presents

"Real Fans
of NCAA March Madness."

Pretty soon,
the only thing
left to sponsor

will be the sponsorships
themselves.

"And now, Pepsi presents
a Geico look

"at Nabisco's Toyota
'Moment of the Game'

"brought to you
by Taco Bell."

[cheering]
Because--
Because you should know

everything about
this tournament
is branded,

even the famous moment
where players cut down the net.

Announcer:
Werner Ladder,
proud to donate

to the general
scholarship fund

of every school
in this year's final four.

Werner, the official ladder
of the NCAA Basketball
Championships.

Are you kidding me?

A Werner ladder?

Look, as a ladder enthusiast,
I can tell you right now--

Werners are pure shit,

unless you want
a broken back,

in which case, by all means,
go with Werner,

but you'd be better off
slapping on a pair of stilts

and trying to balance
on a yoga ball.

I'm a DeWalt man,
of course.

I'm not a ladder idiot.

Seriously, there is
nothing inherently wrong

with a sporting tournament
making huge amounts of money,

but there is
something slightly troubling

about a billion-dollar
sports enterprise

where the athletes
are not paid a penny,
because they aren't.

And as the head of the NCAA,
Mark Emmert, will tell you,

they don't want
that to change.

There's not even
a salary to debate.

They're not employees.
They're students.

The fact is,
they're not employees.
They're student-athletes.

I can't say
often enough, obviously,

that student-athletes
are students.

They're not employees.

The only other people

who say they're
not employees that much

are people who run
illegal sweatshops out
of their basements.

"Oh! They're not employees!

"It's a summer camp where
they make the same T-shirt

"over and over again
thousands of times.

"It's summer fun year round."

And the problem is,
when you don't pay people,

there are consequences.

One of the players who climbed
the sponsored ladder last year

was Shabazz Napier,
who happened to let slip

a startling fact
after one of the games.

Sometimes, like I said,
there's hungry nights

when I'm not able to eat,

but I still gotta play
up to my capabilities.

There are hungry nights
that I go to bed

and I'm starving.

That's insane.

Hunger games
should take place annually
in a dystopian future,

not every March,
sponsored by Coca-Cola on CBS.

The NCAA insists
that student-athletes

cannot be paid,
because they are amateurs.

And though they've
slightly softened their rules

on food, among other things,
in the last year,

they still exercise

a ridiculous amount
of control over players.

Reporter:
Before they're allowed
to compete,

athletes have
to sign this form

saying that
they are amateurs.

They give up
any compensation
for playing

and promise to abide
by all the rules

in this 440-page manual.

A 400-odd-page
manual of rules

The only other thing that has
that many finicky little rules

would be a sex party
at Wes Anderson's house.

[laughter]
"Guests are required
to wear lingerie

"of only a pre-w*r
Andalusian vintage.

"Fellatio may
only be accompanied

"by music from the Kinks
and early Cat Stevens.

"And condoms shall
be found nestled inside

"a small diorama
of the sinking
of the Lusitania.

"Now, everybody f*ck."

And look,

the NCAA rulebook
is not just for show,

as a New Mexico player
discovered a few years back.

A discount
on a hotel ballroom

is the impermissible benefit
and NCAA minor violation

that caused Jamal Fenton
to be suspended.

Yes, that's right.
He was suspended

for unwittingly receiving
a $250 discount

on a ballroom
for his 21st birthday party.

And by the way,
a discounted ballroom?

Are we absolutely sure
he was turning 21

and not celebrating
his 40th wedding anniversary

with his lovely wife, Marion?

Because that would
make more sense.

But the point is
some rule enforcements

got from the petty
to the downright heartless.

The late Rick Majerus,
when he was at Utah,

had one of his players
who lost one of his parents.

And he took him to lunch

before putting him on a plane
to send him home...

and the NCAA said
that was a violation,

because you can't give
an athlete something

you don't give another student.

Oh, sure, I get that.

If you show one player
basic human decency,

you have to show everyone
basic human decency.

Nobody wants that.
[applause]

And to be fair--
to be fair here,

the NCAA claim that while
student-athletes are
not being paid,

they are being
compensated with something
incredibly valuable.

We provide them
with remarkable opportunities

to get an education

at the finest
universities on Earth.

That's American
universities and colleges.

Yes, athletes are paid
in "an education,"

the only currency
more difficult to spend
than bitcoin.

And look,
a four-year education
is undeniably valuable,

assuming that,
one, you don't get hurt
and lose your scholarship,

which can happen, and two,
that you have time to study.

Because if you're
a student-athlete

playing top-level
basketball or football,

that can be difficult.

Listen to current
NFL player Richard Sherman

reminisce about
his college days.

You wake up in the morning,
you have weights at this time,

then after weights,
you go to class,

and after class you go
maybe try to grab you
a quick bite to eat.

Then after you get
your quick bite to eat,
you go straight to meetings.

And after meetings,
you got practice.

After practice, you gotta try
to get all the work done

you had throughout the day.

I would love
for a regular student

to have
a student-athlete's schedule

during the season for just
one quarter or one semester,

and show me
how you balance that.

He's right.
Paying top college athletes
with an education

is sort of like telling
a full-time nurse,

"There's no salary
for this job.

"We're just gonna be giving you
free trumpet lessons

"which you'll be
too busy to do,

"but if you don't learn
to play the trumpet,

"you're fired.
Does that sound fair?

"I think that sounds fair."

And the education
athletes do get

is sometimes
insultingly watered down.

Last year,
an investigation revealed

that the University
of North Carolina
had for years

held fraudulent
so-called "paper classes"

that boosted
athletes' grades.

Football and basketball players,

they would be enrolled--

steered to and enrolled
in a paper class

in African-American Studies.

So we could have
a football player who
in the spring

might have a GPA of 1.4,

but in the summer time
we put him in three
paper classes,

and we get A, A, A-.

And lo and behold,
he's academically eligible

to play football in the fall.
That's how the system worked.

Okay, let's not pretend
there isn't something offensive

about an African-American
Studies course

being an easy major
at that school.

"Here, just take this class

"investigating the social,
political, and cultural
complexities inherent

"in the black
American experience.
It'll be a f*cking breeze!

"Phone in!
Phone the thing in!"

And it gets worse.

It gets worse,
because many student-athletes

at UNC also left
with an unusual
language credit.

What language did you study?

Swahili.

Swahili?
Yes.

Has that come in handy
since you graduated?

No. Not at all.

What language did you take?
I took Swahili.

Swahili?
Yes.

Do you speak Swahili
a little bit?

As of right now, no.

Encouraging
black student-athletes

to take bullshit
Swahili courses

is the kind
of institutional prejudice
which might well turn up

in one of their
African-American
Studies courses.

So, let's recap.

Student-athletes don't get paid
and sometimes don't
even get educated,

but what they do get
is the chance to learn
from coaches

who will take them
under their wing

and provide them
with life lessons

and valuable guidance.

[shouts]
[bleeps]

[shouts]
[bleeps]

[shouts]
[bleeps]

f*ck you, f*ck me,
and f*ck everybody!

That is f*cking bullshit.

Now-- Now that--

that is inspirational.

Someone should really
put that on a cat poster.

[laughter]
And while...

while this mistreatment
is happening--

It's a good poster.

It lifts your spirits.

While this mistreatment
is happening,

huge money is being made,

and not just while
they're students,

'cause sometimes the NCAA
makes money off players
years afterwards.

Case in point.
A few years ago,

the NCAA proudly licensed
this video game,

a game whose selling point
was authenticity.

The crowd, the noise,
the cheerleaders.

[cheering]

The intensity of the game,
the passion of the game.

It's all about authenticity.

The level of authenticity
we go to is extremely deep.

To be honest, I thought
the only people that obsessed

with how authentic
something was like that

were people from San Diego
talking about Mexican food.

"I get it, Kendall,
but there are avocados
everywhere now, okay?

"We've all got them now."

In fact, that game
was so authentic,

it created a bit
of an awkward moment

for Ed O'Bannon,
a former UCLA star player

who currently works
at a car dealership
in Las Vegas.

O'Bannon:
I was with a friend

and he said that his son

had a video game
with me in it.

"Hey, you want
to come check it out?"

"Yeah, of course."

Left-handed, height, weight,
skin color-- everything--
bald-headed.

It was--
Yeah, it was me, for sure.

I'm thinking
to myself, "Wow.

"they've got me
on the video game."

And while his kid
was playing,

he almost whispers
in my ear,

"You know, the crazy thing
about this is

"that you didn't get paid."

Okay. First of all,

I don't know
who that kid was,

but that's a d*ck move.

"Hey, Ed. Ed.

"Pretty crazy how you got
nothing for this, right, Ed?

"Must be pretty humiliating,
right, Ed?

"About you not getting
any money for this, Ed?

"Ed? Pretty annoying,
right, Ed?

"Are you annoyed, Ed?
Are you annoyed
right now, Ed?

"Is it annoying to you, Ed?"

They actually--
They actually don't make
that game anymore,

in part because
Ed O'Bannon sued the NCAA

over their rules
on compensating athletes
and won.

The NCAA is currently
appealing that decision

which would allow
players to be paid,

partly because,
as they often claim,

schools could
barely afford it.


out of the 1,100 last year

actually had
positive cash flow out
of intercollegiate athletics.

It's anything but
a moneymaking proposition
for universities and colleges.

Exactly. We have sports
for the same reason

Mariah Carey has
an acting career.

God knows its not
to make a profit.

It's for the love
of the game, okay?

That's the principle.

He's not wrong
that many departments
barely break even,

although that's
a little misleading,

because for the schools
that generate most of the money,

those losses are
sometimes by design.

Profits are what's left
when you account for expenses.

They can come up
with an awful lot of expenses,

an awful lot of salaries.

They find a ton of ways
to spend a ton of money.

That's true. In keeping
with their nonprofit status,

some schools spend money
to make it look like they're
not making too much money.

It's like when
your rich friend
buys Diesel jeans

that already have
holes in them.

"Come on, Brayden,
we all know that you can
afford to have warm knees.

"You're not fooling anyone, B."

And when rich schools
do this to move money around,

not-so-rich schools end up
getting into an arms race
to compete.

It's one of the reasons
why the 10 largest football
stadiums in the country

belong to colleges.

In fact, the University
of Michigan has claimed
that on game days,

their stadium is
the fourth-largest city
in the state of Michigan,

and, incidentally,
also the one with the fewest

rusted-out auto plants
now run by raccoons,
so, you know...

They're doing their best.

But stadiums are
just the beginning.

Alabama made
an "MTV Cribs" style video

showing off
their ludicrously opulent
football facilities.

Man: One of, really,
the best features, I think,
of the locker room

is the hydrotherapy area.

We have in there
a hot tub and a cold tub.

I use the term "tub,"
but, really, they're pools.

Okay, I never thought
I'd say this,

but, Alabama,
stop showing off

your ostentatious
wealth, okay?

And-- And the crazy thing is,

it is not just buildings
that schools spend money on.

Reporter: Mississippi State
coach Dan Mullen

was just given a raise,

pushing his salary
to $4 million a year.

$7 million a year
for the next eight years.

That's Alabama coach
Nick Saban's new deal.

University of Kentucky
announced

a $52 million
seven-year contract extension

with head basketball coach
John Calipari.

Now, before you get
too shocked,

remember, America has
a long, proud history

of paying aging white men
unconscionable amounts of money
for screaming at people,

so there's precedence.
I'm saying there's
precedent there.

But all this makes it
even harder to swallow

when some coaches,
like Clemson's Dabo Swinney,

a man who makes
over $3 million a year,

insists that his players
not get paid.

Dabo:
As far as paying players,

professionalizing
college athletics,

that's where you lose me.

I'll go do
something else, because...

there's enough entitlement
in this world as it is.

Ooh.
[audience groans]

Now-- Wait wait, wait.

If you find that infuriating,

you might like to know
that Dabo Swinney

is and anagram
for "soybean wind,"

which I think is fitting,

'cause he seems as pleasant
as an edamame fart.

And the fact--

and it's a fact that
his name is an anagram
for "soybean wind."

It's not relevant
to this discussion,

but I thought
it was worth mentioning,

because it feels like
something he'd be annoyed by

and would not want
people to know

on a wide basis,

#SoybeanWind.

[cheering]
And by the way,

the larger point is...

Swinney has trademarked
his name for use on shirts,

because he's allowed
to do that.

The NCAA manual
explicitly states

coaches are free
to pursue endorsements

or consultation contracts.

And players are acutely aware
of this discrepancy.

Here's former
University of Michigan
basketball star Jalen Rose.

The revenue stream for coaches

people underestimate.

You get paid from school.
You get paid from camps.

You get paid
from apparel company.
You have a TV deal.

You have your radio show.

That's five revenue streams
for the coach.

So when I come into practice,
I miss a couple of sh*ts,

I dribble it off my foot,

and coach says, "Jalen,
what's going on with you?"

"What's going on with me?
My mother's lights about
to get cut off.

"That's my problem."

That makes sense.
Sometimes it must be tough

to focus on your
lights-out sh**ting,

when your mother's lights
are literally going out.

And if you're thinking,
"Well, they'll all get rich

"when they become
professional athletes,"

that's true...
in a fractional
number of cases,

because less
than 2%

of college basketball
and football players
go pro.

So, if you're an athlete
who dreams of being
a Viking or a Wizard,

you probably have about
the same chance of becoming

an actual Viking
or an actual wizard.

And all of this assumes

that they manage
to stay healthy,

because if they get injured,

a whole host
of other problems
can emerge.

Fun fact: The very first
executive director

of the NCAA stated
that he crafted

the term "student-athlete"
in the 1950s

explicitly to avoid
workers' comp

for injured athletes.

And 60 years later,

that term is still working.

Reporter:
Kyle Hardrick was so good,

that Oklahoma offered him
a basketball scholarship

in ninth grade.

But after a knee injury during
practice his freshman year,

he lost his scholarship.

And with medical bills
piling up,

he couldn't afford
to stay in school.

If there was
workman's comp,

my son would've
been taken care of
for the rest of his life.

He would've been able
to finish his college.

To be fair, he was promised
an education, and he got one--

a first-class education

in how little schools
sometimes give a shit
about their student-athletes.

This whole system

seems fundamentally flawed,

and yet the NCAA
constantly insists

there is no way
athletes can be paid

even a nominal amount,
because...

The notion
of converting a student

to a paid employee

is something that is
utterly antithetical

to the whole principle
of intercollegiate athletics.

It completely changes
the entire notion

of what college sports
is all about.

You know what?
I think you might be right.

If college sports is
all about exploiting people,

then, yes, paying athletes
would absolutely change

the entire notion of what
college sports are all about.

And look,
no one is saying...
[cheering]

that they need
to be paid millions,

or hundreds
of thousands,
or the same amount,

or even that every school
needs to pay every athlete.

But to pay everyone zero

when the kid
selling their jersey
at the campus bookstore

gets $10 an hour
seems a little bit strange.

And if it truly is
all about the romance
of amateurism, that's fine.

Give up the sponsorships
and the TV deals,

stop paying the coaches,
and have teams run

by an asthmatic
anthropology professor
with a whistle.

But if you're gonna
change nothing,

at least be honest about
the business you're engaged in.

Feel free to bring back
your video games,

but in the spirit
of authenticity

that seems to matter
so much to you,

make them
a little more accurate.

Announcer:
Rate E for "exploitative."

♪
Announcer #2:
New from LWT Sports,

"March Sadness 2015,"

the most authentic college
basketball game of all time.

Because any game
can give you the excitement
of college athletics,

but that's only
about 2% of your week.

For the first time,
you'll get to experience

the other 98%.

What are you,
a f*cking idiot?

I'm gonna
f*cking k*ll you!

You pass like
a f*cking p*ssy!

Announcer #2: You'll get
to enjoy all the fun
of being screamed at

by a middle-aged millionaire,

while living in constant fear
of losing your scholarship,

be it from
a career-ending injury...

[grunts]
[buzzer blares]

...accidentally accepting
a free lunch when
you're hungry...

[buzzer blares]
...or directly profiting
in any way

from the value of your work...
[buzzer blares]

[camera clicking]
...because making money
is utterly antithetical

to the whole principle
of collegiate athletics.

But don't take it from us.

Take it
from the unwitting star

of EA's
"NCAA Basketball 09,"
Ed O'Bannon.

This game is every bit
as f*cked up as the real thing.

Announcer #2:
You'll get to create
your own player,

and enjoy an authentic
student-athlete experience,

because our game puts
just as much emphasis

on an education as a real
NCAA Division I school does.
[yawns]

Are you ready
for your Swahili exam?

[dings]
Congratulations, student.

You speak Swahili.
Now, back to the gym.
[sighs]

It's the most authentic
college game of all time,

as another unpaid star
of "NCAA Basketball 09,"

Jalen Rose, will attest.

Yeah, that's pretty much
what it's like.

And this year,
if you play LWT's
"NCAA March Sadness,"

you can play
in two new modes:

Coach mode,
which consists mostly

of screaming
at 18-year-olds...

Assholes! Assholes!

I'm gonna k*ll all
of you entitled assholes!

...or you can choose
school administrator mode,

where your only job is
figuring out how to somehow
remain a nonprofit.

You want a stadium
across from your stadium?

How about a rocket ship?

But be careful,
because if you use
a penny of that money

to pay your players,
game over.
[buzzer blares]

The point is, no matter
which mode you choose,

you're guaranteed all the joy
of top-level college athletics.

[continues speaking]

[cheers, applause]
It's in the shame.

This game is some bullshit.

That's our show. Thank you
so much for watching.
♪

See you next week! Good night!