02x09 - Internal Revenue Service

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme playing]

[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver
It is time for a quick recap
of the week,

and let's start
with today.

Because this morning,
everyone was expecting

a big political announcement,

and then spent most of the day
continuing to expect it.

Reporter:
Waiting for the word.

Hillary Clinton's expected
to announce

she's running
for president today.

But what is she waiting for?

Some reporters
are expecting it to happen
in the next few minutes,

sometime around noon.
It could come later
in the day, though.

We're waiting
for Hillary Clinton
to make it official.

Any moment now.
Any moment.

We're waiting for that.
She's 67 years old.

And we'll see when
that announcement comes out.

Okay, first-- first of all,
it's 67 years young.

Didn't you learn anything
from The Best Exotic
Marigold Hotel?

And second, there's no point
trying to build suspense

when there isn't any.

Because everyone knew
this was happening.

And I'll save you the time
of watching this video.

It's two minutes,


It features one dog,
one cat,

and exactly four
relevant words.

I'm running for president.

That's it!

There is nothing else to see

and nothing else
to talk about.

Because let me be clear,

speculating over who's going
to win the 2016 election now

is like speculating over
who's going to win the shot-put

at the 2016 Olympics.

The only thing
we know for sure

is that Ted Cruz
isn't going to win either.

That's it.
That's all we know.

So we can put it on hold.

So let's move on.

Let's move on
to talk about an election
that's actually imminent

in the United Kingdom,

the slightly damp corpse
of the British empire.

Because in less than a month,
voters there will head
to the polls,

and it's close.

Prime Minister David Cameron
is trying to fend off

the Labor Party
and its leader Ed Miliband.

They are still neck and neck.

They're a tenth
of a percentage point apart.

A month to go now.

Things are starting potentially
to get a little bit exciting.

"Potentially
a little bit exciting."

That is quintessentially
British enthusiasm.

"This election might be--
I mean, it could not be--

"it probably won't be,
but it could be interesting.

I'm sorry
to have brought it up.
I've wasted your time."

The thing is--
the thing is,

this election
is actually interesting,

from the race to determine
who will be prime minister

all the way down
to the local elections,

where there are
some very unusual candidates.

A UKIP candidate
for this year's local elections

in Bristol has been revealed
as an international porn star.

Male reporter:
Performs under the name
of Johnny Rockard.

For reasons of decency,
we can't show you most
of what's out there.

"We can give you
the general gist, though.

And it is this."
It's that.

Now-- now you might right now
be picturing

what a porn star
called Johnny Rockard
looks like.

But what you're imagining
is wrong

because this is him.

Now that it's come out,

I won't say
I'm that bothered about it.

Because it's nothing
that I'm ashamed of

in any way,
shape or form.

Now your reaction
may justifiably be,

"That's Johnny Rockard?

"I didn't realize
suburban middle-aged pharmacist

was fetish in Britain."
And, look, you're not wrong.

I don't buy that man
as a porn star.

I barely buy him
as a porn caterer.

But let's--
let's put Johnny Rockard
aside for a second,

because the main race
pits Prime Minister
David Cameron

against Labor leader
Ed Miliband,

who is fighting
a public perception that,

as 41% of Britain
said in a poll last year,

he's "a bit weird."

And he's not been doing
a great job to disprove that.

Last week, during one--
the one and only debate
in Britain,

he left his notes behind
on the podium,

and unfortunately for him,
the press found them.

Reporter:
On them, it would appear
to say,

"happy warrior,"
"calm never agitated,"

"me versus DC,"
uh, "decency," "values,"

and "relish the chance
to show who I am."

Okay, that--
that clearly sounds pretty bad.

Although, to be honest,
you haven't seen the note
I keep on my desk for myself,

which reads,
"You're a funny man,
you're not a loser.

Don't let them see
the sadness."

Miliband-- Miliband--
don't look at it--

Miliband has also had
some image problems

following
this embarrassing photo

of him eating
a bacon sandwich appallingly.

Now you might think,
that's nothing.

But this has become
a genuine story in the UK,

with headlines such as,
"Ed Miliband Looks Weird
Eating a Bacon Sandwich."

And sensing
his opponent's weakness,

the British prime minister
has pounced.

The prime minister seems
to be eating his way

around the country,
certainly today.

He popped into a--
randomly, like one does,

popped into someone else's
family barbecue,

and was trying to look
sort of normal and cool,

and ended up eating a hot dog
with a knife and fork.

We saw him later
in the day

in a pie factory
sampling pies

and making Scotch eggs.

And he washed it all down
with, um,

with half a pint of stout.

So it's not all--
I don't know quite
what's going on,

but they seem to determined
to see Cameron out

on the campaign trail
eating.

This is pathetic,

because the UK election
has apparently been reduced

to an eating contest.

They're one step away
from putting 50 sausage rolls

in front of each of them
and saying, "Who wants it more?

Go! Eat, eat, eat!"

I will say, though,
the most nauseating thing

that either candidate
did this week

was nothing to do with food.
It was when David Cameron

visited the set
of Game of Thrones

in an attempt to pander
to the public,

and he claimed
to be a huge fan.

I'm on the set
of Game of Thrones.

As a government,
we're going to go on
supporting the film industry,

supporting
the television industry,

so more fabulous television
is made,

just like the set
that I'm very excited
to be on right now,

as a big "Throny."

Ech!

First of all,
siphoning goodwill from people
who enjoy Game of Thrones

is my thing,
especially tonight!

Especially tonight.

And secondly...
[audience cheering]

Especially tonight.

I refuse to believe
that you are a "Throny,"

unless, by Throny,
you mean someone who fucks
throw pillows,

in which case, you're right.
You're definitely
a total Throny.

But finally this week--

finally this week, Cuba,
Florida's teardrop tattoo,

this week--
this week brought

a seismic shift
in US-Cuban relations.

Let's take a look
at the picture everyone
was waiting for--

the leaders
of the US and Cuba

sitting down together,
shaking hands, a couple
of times, actually,

and making plans
to normalize relations
between the two countries.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Slow down there.

As everyone who has ever been
through a bad break-up knows,

you don't normalize relations
by going straight
to a handshake.

First you start
with liking a couple
of Facebook statuses,

just to show
that you're totally over
what happened.

Then maybe you comment.
"That looks fun,"

on a brunch photo of theirs.

Then and only then
do you shake hands and lift
your trade embargo.

There is a process
with this shit.

Don't skip a step.

The president
was actually pretty clear

about his reasons
for this shift in tone.

I think people recognize
that if you keep on
doing something

for 50 years
and it doesn't work,
you should try something new.

Okay, but nice work, Obama.

You just gave 70-year-old
adulterers everywhere

an excuse to leave their wives
for their dental hygienists.

"Look, Lorraine,
to paraphrase America's
first black president,

"we've been doing this
for 50 years.

"It isn't working.
It's time to start
something new.

"So I'm off to bang Carly
in my Porsche Boxster,

to quote the president."

Still, still,

this was clearly
a historic meeting,

and it turned out
to be even more cordial

than anyone expected.

Jim Acosta:
The president of Cuba saying

that he admires
President Obama,

that he considers him
to be an honest man,

that he's read
President Obama's
autobiography.

Ooh!

Very nice,
he's read the president's books.

That is both flattering,
and a bit of a f*ck-you

to the concept
of a 50-year trade embargo.

"Yeah, yeah,
I read your book.
I read it on my iPad

"'cause my Kindle Fire
was broken.

You've been wasting
your time."

Still, just for
my peace of mind,
to clear this up,

was Castro saying
he read the president's book

or that he had
the president's book?

Because as we all know,
those are two very
different things.

Acosta:
He's read President Obama's
autobiography.

He said he wants to finish
reading them-- he hasn't
read all of them,

uh, but that he's started
skimming those books.

Exactly!

He skimmed them.
He did what millions of us
have done.

He saw the president's book,
thought, "I guess I should
read this,"

picked it up,
read a few pages,

went, "Eh,
I'll finish it later,"

and put it up on a shelf
next to Ulysses,

The Bell Jar, and all
of our other favorite books

that we've never
actually read.

You know what, Cuba?
I think the US and Cuba

are gonna get along
just fine.

And now this.

Announcer:
And now, excruciatingly
awkward silences

caused by
technical difficulties.

Terry Lyles,
welcome back.

Terry Lyles,
can you hear me?

I'm gonna try this
one more time.

Terry Lyles,
it's Brooke on CNN.

You got me?

What's the best thing
we could say

about this economy
tonight?

David?
Uh, maybe you can't hear me.

Can you hear me, colonel?

We're having
some audio problems there.

Uh, Phil, can you hear me?

I think we lost Phil.

Man:
Jim, good morning.

Uh, Philip,
can you hear me now?

Oh, my.
Our apologies.

I--

Chris Hayes:
Can you hear me,
congressman?

Oh, I can-- yes.
I didn't--

I was listening to your--
uh, your, uh--

Thank you.

Moving on, moving on,

our main story tonight
is the IRS.

Now I know
that sounds unappealing,

but I promise you,
if you stay to the end of this,

there'll be
a very sexy reward.

Now this Wednesday
is April the 15th,

the day every year
when Wesley Snipes

pokes his little head
out of his burrow,

and if he sees
his own tax return,
quickly dives back in.

And like clockwork,

tax season bring with it
an annual gnashing of teeth.

Two dreaded words
this time of year,

"tax time."
It is tax day today.

Maybe you hold your nose
while finishing up your taxes.

Man:
Tax season officially begins.
Ugh.

Tax season, tax season!

It's the most wonderful time
of the year.

Happy tax day, everybody.

That's sarcasm, of course.

Yes.

Tax season is a lot
like bathing-suit season.

You probably dread it
unless you're already
the kind of person

who spends a lot of time
in the Cayman Islands.

People hate taxes
and they hate the IRS,

so much so, they can't help
but express that,

whatever the circumstances.

And this should make you
a real crowd favorite,

John works for the IRS.

[crowd booing]

[laughter]

We've never had
a contestant booed.

Let me make it
easier for you.

He works in collection
for the IRS.

[booing]
Aw, come on.

What are you doing, Regis?

Stop baiting the crowd.

"Boo him! Boo him!"

"Now let's lock the doors
and turn off the cameras

and burn him!
Let's burn the money witch!"

And to be honest,
the IRS have not been
good recently

at winning people over,

particularly
this current tax season.

Woman:
And brace yourself
for a rough tax season.

Yes, the IRS warning
this year will be worse
than most for you.

If you need to visit
an IRS office,

a word of warning--
prepare to wait.

Man:
A little after 8:00,
the line already snaked

across the sidewalk,
reaching out into
the parking lot.

I came here Monday
and I was here from


And there's only two people
working inside.

Two employees.
That is not good.

Because if you're in that line,
you need help.

No one waits that long
for something they could
fix themselves.

It's the same way
that you know

the people in line
in the emergency room
at 2:00 AM

definitely have something
stuck inside their butt.

"You?" "Corndog. You?"

"Boba Fett action figure."
"I've been there."

And, look, if you're thinking,
"Well, this doesn't affect me.

I'll just call the IRS
on the phone,"

well, good luck with that.

Woman:
Nationwide, only four
in 10 callers

to the agency's toll-free line
are getting through

to a real person.

The number of
courtesy disconnects

when an overloaded system
hangs up on the customer

has now reached
five million so far this year.

That's right.

If the IRS's system
gets overloaded,

it will give you
a "courtesy disconnect,"

which means
hanging up on you.

And you can't just put
a nice word in front
of an unpleasant one

and change the meaning.

It's like the phrase,
"politely decline"

or "Care Bears."
They're still bears.

They'll rip you
the f*ck apart.

They're bears.

It's in their blood.

Is-- is it any wonder

that everyone hates
the IRS?

Dealing with them
is obligatory,

it often functions badly,

and it combines
two of the things

that we hate the most
in life--

someone taking our money
and math.

And yet, tonight I'm going
to attempt the impossible.

I'm going to try
and make you feel

a small amount
of sympathy for the IRS.

Because for a start,
it cannot be a pleasant place
to work.

Just listen to what extra
little gifts they get

alongside
people's tax returns.

We've had everything come in
from brown sugar to dust

out of the vacuum cleaner,
to people spreading mustard
on the check.

Now that check
is processable.

We just wipe the mustard off
and send it to the bank.

Listen to how
matter-of-fact he is.

This must happen
all the time.

"Yeah, some people
put mustard on their checks.

"Some people file their returns
inside of a dead fish.

"One man covered his check
in Vaseline and pubic hair.

"We just wipe it off
and send it to the bank.

That's what we do here."

And it's not just furious
mustard enthusiasts

taking it out
on the IRS.

Even state governors
have publicly demonized them.

Reporter:
Governor LePage didn't want
to talk about

the outrage he sparked
when he compared

the IRS to the Gestapo,
the n*zi secret police.

But when we pushed him
for a comment,

here is what he said.

It was never intended
to offend anyone.

But you compared them
to the Gestapo!

Of course
they were offended.

If you compare someone
to the Gestapo

and they don't get offended,

that's a big red flag.

But the public perception
of IRS employees

as Gestapo-like villains
doesn't quite match up

when you see
what they're actually like.

Because on
the IRS YouTube channel,

there are videos
where employees talk
about their jobs,

and they don't seem evil
so much as unbelievably boring.

A data transcriber
takes the physical return

and inputs it
into the computer system
for further processing.

You know, you've got to know
about the budgetary accounting,

proprietary accounting...

You're out there
meeting taxpayers

at their residences,
at their places of business.

You're conducting interviews
on taxpayers.

You're investigating
their assets.

You're out there
interviewing third parties,

looking for assets
that possibly the taxpayer
didn't disclose to you.

Those people aren't Nazis.

Nazis are
inherently interesting.

Those people
are the physical equivalent
of Ambien.

And, look, there
is a weird kind of heroism

to doing jobs
that are that boring.

'Cause not only could I not
do their job,

I can barely even listen
to them talking about it.

So why exactly
do we hate the IRS so much?

'Cause it's worth remembering,
if you are angry

about the amount of tax
you pay,

that's nothing
to do with them.

That's determined
by a vote in Congress,

much like declarations of w*r

and how often Orrin Hatch
is allowed to orgasm.

Uh, not yet, Orrin.

Not yet.

Now.

There you go, there you go.

And, look, if you think--
[applause]

If you think our tax code
is too complicated,

well,
that's Congress's fault, too.

And you know
who agrees with you?

The people who work
for the IRS.

Because even they have trouble
keeping up.

Nina Olson:
We looked at how many changes
in the tax law had occurred.

In the last year alone,
it was something like




In one year?
That's more than
a change every day.

Yes.
How do you keep up?

Uh, I don't.
[laughs]

And I don't know
how individuals
or businesses keep up.



The only document
that should change that often

is the Wikipedia page
for Bill Cosby.

"Oh, what are we now?


"34?

"Holy shit, I don't know
how anyone keeps up.

This really should be going
above Fat Albert at this point."

The fact is,
blaming the IRS

because you hate
paying your taxes

is a bit like slapping
your check-out clerk

because the price
of eggs has gone up.

It's not her fault.

She's just trying to help you
get out of the store.

That scenario, incidentally,
is also my pitch

for The Slap season two.

That's apropos of nothing.

But let's recap.

The IRS does a difficult,
thankless,

almost dangerously boring job,

and that job
has actually been getting
even more difficult

because of this.

The IRS budget has been slashed
in recent years.

Since the GOP won control
of the chamber back in 2010,

the agency's funding
has shrunk

by nearly 20%.

You can't lose nearly 20%
of what you are

and be as effective.

It's like pretending
Zayn leaving One Direction

doesn't tear the heart
out of that band.

Oh, he was 20% of the band,

but he was 99%
of the soul!

It's over, everyone.
Jordan has left the Bulls!

I don't like it
any more than you!

But the DNA of the band
is broken.

And I can't believe
I'm the one in this room

that cares the most
about this!

Shame on you!

The point is,

Congress has slashed
the IRS's budget,

but largely out of anger,

which was not
entirely unjustified.

You may remember
a few years ago,

there were scandals over
overspending on conferences

and training videos
like this horrific parody

of Star Trek.

It would seem, captain,

the NoTaxions' lack
of skilled tax leaders

has resulted in a widespread
case of confusion.

Uninformed taxpayers,
high noncompliance,

no strategic vision.
I'm afraid without a wealth
of skilled leaders,

anarchy is spreading
across the planet like a virus.

Wow, that's depressing.

I have seen Star Trek
porn parodies

less depressing than that.

But, look,
that of course--

that of course was nothing
next to the IRS's big scandal.

Man:
Report coming out this week

shows IRS officials
were targeting Tea Party

and other conservative groups

when those groups apply
for tax-exempt status.

Yes, the Tea Party targeting
scandal,

where the IRS inundated
many conservative groups
with questions,

sometimes delaying
their applications for years.

And, look, that scandal
was not nothing.

Because while they did target
liberal groups as well,

those groups were scrutinized
to a much lesser extent

and made up only 29
of the 298 groups targeted,

which is ridiculous.

'Cause if you want to find
liberal groups to harass,
it's easy.

Just google, "What was
that thing Alec Baldwin
was going on about?"

But the investigation
into all this is ongoing,

and while current evidence
strongly suggests

that this was more
of a giant bureaucratic f*ck-up

than something more nefarious,

for the sake of argument,
let's assume the absolute worst,

that this was deliberate
political targeting.

The best thing to do then

would be to get rid
of the people who were in charge

and make some changes
to help the agency review
political groups,

both of which have happened.

The worst thing to do
is what we've done,

and that's angrily
slash their budget

so they can't
operate properly.

Because remember
those long lines from earlier?

You can thank the cuts
for those.

Between 2010 and 2014,

the IRS lost
over 13,000 employees.

The portion of our workforce
over 50 years of age

has been growing rapidly
during the last several years.

We have only 650 employees

out of 87,000,
who are 25 or younger.

It's true.

Most IRS employees
are over 50

and less than 1%
are under 25.

And that does not bode well
for the IRS.

Because a government agency
should not have

the same age ratio
as an Eric Clapton concert.

And the IRS's staff
is not the only thing

that is aging
at a dangerous rate.

Narrator:
Some think the IRS
has fallen short

in their efforts
to keep up with modern-day
technology.

Almost half of all tax data

exists on the magnetic-tape
and cartridge system

developed in the 1960s.

That is terrifying!

We should at least
be using technology invented

after an era when
it was okay to call
a female coworker "Toots."

But we-- we shouldn't
just fund the IRS

because we want our information
stored on something

a little more sophisticated

than a f*cking
Duck Hunt cartridge.

We should fund them
because the IRS

is one of
the safest investments
for public money available.

According to
the Treasury Department,

every dollar spent
on tax enforcement

yields back six. Six!

The IRS sextuples your money.

They should make that
their motto,

were it not for the fact
that "Sextuples"

is already the name
of "Sandals" spin-off

most likely to get shuttered
by the Health Department.

"Welcome to Sextuples,

"where all you need to bring
is an open mind

"and lots of bleach.
Lots of bleach.

Lots-- that's on you."

The problem is,

our whole tax system
is built upon trust.

And if people lose faith
in the IRS,

the whole system by which
we fund everything
is in trouble.

We collect $3 trillion a year

in a voluntary
compliance system.

If the compliance rate
goes down by 1%,

either because people think
the chances of getting caught
are down,

or because they can't find out
the right information,

or they just get
aggravated with us--

a 1% decline
in the compliance rate

costs the government
$30 billion annually.

Exactly.

The IRS compliance rate

is entirely based
on confidence,

much like Lyle Lovett's
sex appeal

or Channing Tatum's
acting ability.

You lose that confidence,

everything collapses.

And, look,
I'm not saying the IRS
is a likable organization.

But not everything
that's important is likable.

Think of our government
as a body.

The IRS is the anus.

It's-- it's nobody's
favorite part,

but you need
that thing working properly,

or everything goes to shit
real quick.

And-- and we don't need
to love the IRS

or even like them,
but after decades

of us calling them Nazis
and sending them mustard,

I think they may deserve
at least a few minutes

of at least
grudging acknowledgment

of the unpleasant but necessary
function they serve.

Unfortunately, expression
of sincere emotion

is not my forte.
I'm British.

Luckily, I have
some serious help tonight.

So to serenade the IRS with,
if not a love song,

a song of reluctant support
for their appropriate funding,

please welcome
Grammy-award-winning
singer and songwriter,

Mr. Michael Bolton!

[crowd cheering]

[playing]

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I could hardly believe it

♪ When I heard
the news today ♪

♪ Congress cut your budget
right in two ♪

♪ I guess you
make people angry ♪

♪ With the things
you do and say ♪

♪ 'Cause you make us
give our money ♪

♪ Straight to you

♪ But we need you real bad

♪ Though it's clear
nobody really likes you ♪

♪ You're the anus
of our country ♪

♪ Don't you know?

♪ Tell me,
how are we supposed ♪

♪ To live without you?

♪ We couldn't
functionally survive ♪

♪ No

♪ How are we supposed

♪ To live without you?

♪ And though saying this
just cuts me ♪

♪ Like a knife

♪ We need the IRS
to stay alive ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Yes, you've had f*ck-ups

♪ Like that stupid
Star Trek thing ♪

♪ Tell me, who was it
who really thought of that? ♪

Michael, you'll be pleased
to know

the people responsible
are all gone, so...

♪ Well, I'm sorry
to hear that ♪

Why?

♪ They got
staffing problems, too ♪

That's actually true.

♪ Their recruitment numbers
are at best ♪

♪ A little flat

That's a nuanced point,
Michael Bolton.

♪ Now I don't want to know

♪ Just how we'd got along
without them ♪

♪ 'Cause you never miss
your anus ♪

♪ Till it's gone

♪ Tell me,
how are we supposed ♪

♪ To live without you?

♪ We cut and cut
your budgets ♪

♪ Till you bleed

♪ How are we supposed

♪ To live without you?

♪ And how will we pay

♪ For everything we need?

♪ Like Colorado National Park
procurement assistant
Brian Reed? ♪

That-- that's
a specific example,
Michael.

Look, IRS,
you're never going to be
anyone's favorite agency.

You know that.
You're boring.

You're unlikable.
But here's the thing.

Deep down,
we need you.

We need you like
we need our own anus.

Because like our anus,
we may not love you,

or like to talk about you,

or even want to look at you
through a series

of strategically-placed
mirrors,

but deep down,
we're glad you're there.

Is that not right, Michael?
Tell them about it!

Tell them!

♪ Now I don't want to know

♪ What life is like
without an anus ♪

Sing it to them,
Michael!

♪ Will you think
of Brian Reed? ♪

Do you know that man
personally?

♪ Tell me,
how are we supposed ♪

♪ To live without you?

♪ We've relied on you
for funding ♪

♪ For so long

♪ How are we supposed
to live ♪

♪ Without you?

♪ And how are we supposed

♪ To carry on

♪ When the only practical way
to collect revenue ♪

♪ Under our current
governmental system ♪

♪ Pending a significant
overhaul of the tax code ♪

♪ Which seems
unlikely at best ♪

♪ Is gone?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Bolton!

That's our show!
Good night!

♪ How am I supposed
to live without you? ♪

Good night!

Both:
♪ We couldn't
functionally survive! ♪

♪ No

♪ How are we supposed
to live ♪

♪ Without you?

♪ And though saying this

♪ Just cuts me
like a knife ♪

Say it anyway, M.B.
Say it anyway.

♪ We need the IRS

♪ To stay alive.

[audience cheering]

Michael Bolton,
ladies and gentlemen!

Michael Bolton!

[audience cheering]