02x15 - 2015 FIFA corruption case

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver". Aired: April 27, 2014 – present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
Post Reply

02x15 - 2015 FIFA corruption case

Post by bunniefuu »



[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver,
thank you so much
for being with us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin in Cuba.

Or as JFK used
to pronounce it,
"Booty Island."

The U.S. has had a tempestuous
relationship with Cuba
over the years.

And this week brought
a major development.

The breaking news,
the United States now has
formally dropped Cuba

from its list of
state-sponsors of terrorism.

It's frankly about time,

because arguably the largest
act of terrorism that Cuba has
inspired in the last 30 years

was "Dirty Dancing:
Havana Nights."

Until Friday, Cuba had been
one of just four countries
on the list,

along with Iran, Sudan
and Syria.

And it did always feel
like Cuba was the odd one
out there.

It's like someone saying,
"I've got a deal
with my husband.

"I can sleep
with four other people.
So my list is Ryan Gosling,

"Chris Pratt, Idris Elba,
and beloved sitcom actor
Jon Cryer."

Really? I'd love to hear
your rationale behind
that last one.

Because it's worth noting
even the State Department

did not seem to know
why Cuba was on the list.

Their most recent entry
said that there
was "no indication

"Cuba provided weapons
or training
to t*rror1st groups."

So it was more that Cuba
liked the idea of terrorism.

That they were into terrorism
the same way a kid
in a Salt Lake City mall

is into the Crips.

Sure you are, Brandon.

Sure you are.

But now Cuba's been taken
off the list,

which clearly presents
a number of opportunities.

Female reporter:
Under the plan, economic
sanctions would also be lifted

encouraging business
and tourism in Cuba.

And it is tourism
which might change Cuba's mind

over whether this week's news
was good or not.

'Cause I give them about
three months of being overrun
with American tourists

asking where they can find
the most authentic mojito

before they say,

"You know what?
It turns out we are pretty
terror-ish after all.

"You guys might wanna put us
back on that list, please."

Let's move on to Nebraska.

A state you think about
so little,

you didn't even realize
that's not Nebraska,
this is Nebraska.

Come on, it's your country.
That's not okay.

Nebraska had some big
and surprising news this week.

Male reporter:
Nebraska is now the first
conservative state

in more than 40 years
to abolish the death penalty.

That's right. You will
no longer be sentenced

to death by lethal injection
in Nebraska.

Unless you count drinking
their subsidized corn syrup
through a straw.

Which-- which is slow acting,
but it will get you
in the end.

Nebraska has actually become
the 19th state to outlaw
the death penalty.

But it wasn't easy.
Their governor, and enormous
human thumb, Pete Ricketts,

was staunchly opposed
to the whole idea.

Female reporter:
"My words cannot express
how appalled I am

"that we have lost
a critical tool

"to protect law enforcement
and Nebraska families."

Words cannot express?
Why don't you try.

It's a written
public statement,
you giant shaved owl.

And incidentally, they picked
the perfect photo there.

Just look how happy he is
at the idea
of lethal injections.

Interestingly, one of the
reasons lawmakers voted
to repeal the death penalty

was purely practical,
as it's become
increasingly difficult

to obtain the necessary dr*gs
for executions.

And watch how Ricketts tried
to overcome that objection.

Yesterday, Nebraska governor
Pete Ricketts announced
the state has successfully

purchased dr*gs to administer
the death penalty.

So he's essentially saying,
"Hey, guys, great news.
I found the m*rder dr*gs

"that I've been looking for."

How is that good news,
you unpeeled hard-boiled egg
with teeth?

But it turned out, anyway,
his plan was a little flawed.

First, the dr*gs he found
were located in India

and cost nearly $55,000
in taxpayer money.

And that's expensive.
We are talking adderall
in the Yale library

during finals week expensive.

And secondly, there was this.

Female reporter:
The FDA tells us, quote,

"With very limited
exceptions,
which do not apply here,

"it is unlawful
to import this drug

"and FDA would refuse
its admission
into the United States."

And that is pathetic.

Because saying that you've got
access to high-quality dr*gs
from India

and then not being able to
deliver is embarrassing enough

when you're a high school
junior trying to get into
your prom date's pants.

It is downright humiliating
when you are the adult
governor of a state

trying to desperately
k*ll people,
you dollar store Lex Luthor.

And... and lastly this week,

let's move on to Ireland.

A country with a slightly
higher Irish population
than the Dropkick Murphys.

While we were off last week,
Ireland had a historic vote.

Male reporter:
This is the moment same sex
supporters in Ireland

knew they'd made history.

Irish voters said
a resounding "yes"
to gay marriage

by a margin of two to one.

That is the most...
That's right.
[applause]

That is the most resounding
Irish endorsement
of h*m*

since Lucky Charms added
the rainbow marshmallow.

The vote was helped along
by heartwarming ads
from the "yes vote" camp,

such as the "bring your family
with you" commercial.

♪ See your face once more
Dad?
Will you come with me?

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Mom. Come on.

It's time.



That ad is a moving testament
to love crossing
generational boundaries.

Although, it would also make
a chilling scene from a movie
about Irish millennials

euthanizing their parents.

"Mom, it's time.

"Now go ahead and walk
into the ocean
like the prophecy demands.

"It's time, Ma.
It's time."

The Irish vote
was widely celebrated

with one depressingly
predictable voice of dissent.

A sharp rejection today
of Ireland's historic
same sex marriage vote

from the Catholic Church.

The Vatican's secretary
of state called the result
a, quote,

"defeat for humanity."

Okay, settle down a little,
Catholic Church.

Remember, you're
an organization whose
victories for humanity include

the Crusades,
forced adoptions,

and running a wildly
successful international
pedophile exchange program.

So let's save the "defeat
for humanity" accusation

for things that truly
deserve it, like this:

Announcer:
We're turning bacon
upside down.

Introducing
Perfect Bacon Bowl.

And try this:
a Bacon Bowl ice cream sundae.

Salty sweet,
and fun to eat.

Oh! That is a defeat
for humanity.

Because we are destroying
civilization one manipulated
pork form at a time.

But the Vatican's
blinkered stance made
a little more sense

in the context of a seemingly
unrelated piece of information
that came out this week.

One person who definitely
is not watching
our broadcast tonight,

Pope Francis. In fact,
he told an Argentinian
newspaper

that he hasn't watched
television in 25 years.

He says he simply decided
it wasn't for him.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pope.
This isn't for you?

This is-- actually,
that's a good instinct.

This show is definitely
not for you.

It's why in the little
warning card at the top
of every episode

it says "UP:
unsuitable for popes."

But it is a shame
because it might have helped
if the Pope

had been watching TV
over the last 25 years.

TV shows have done a lot
to acclimate people
to same sex relationships.

There was "Will and Grace,"
there was "Ellen,"

"q*eer as Folk,"
"SpongeBob SquarePants."

Oh-- oh, please.
They hang out in a pineapple
under the sea.

Read between the lines.

I'm just saying, Pope,
if you'd watched TV, not only
would you have learned a lot,

but there are shows that
you might have really liked.

If nothing else, I think you'd
have loved "Breaking Bad."

That's a show you
could really relate to.

It's a story about a man
gradually losing touch
with reality,

overseeing a vast
criminal enterprise,
and yet so powerful

that no one's brave enough
to tell him he's wearing
a very silly hat.

And now, this.

Announcer:
And now, newscasters
finding the fact

they don't know words
hilarious.

For the second straight year,
the Scripps National Spelling
Bee has co-champions.

Spelling words none of us
have ever heard of.

Man:
I can't even say
the final word.

Scherenschnitte.

"Scherenschnite."
Bless you.

Scheren... schnitty.
Scherenschnitty.

I've got some
schnerenschnit
over here for lunch.

Nunatak. N-U-N-A-T-A-K.
Nunatak.

Nunatak!
Noonatak. Noonatak.
Noonattack.

That was a nun attack.
What's the word?

I can tell you that much.
[laughs]

Nunnintek.
I apologize if I'm not
pronouncing them right

'cause I couldn't even
begin to tell you
what it-- what it--

Well, I know what it means.
It means a hill or a mountain
surrounded by glacial ice.

But I know that because
my producers told me.

But did you know it
right away?

Uh, yeah, obviously.

♪ La-da-da-da-da

♪ It's the m*therf*cking
D-O-double G ♪

♪ Snoop Dogg!

Moving on, our main story
tonight is FIFA.

The organization that sounds
the most like the name
of a purse dog.

"It's not 'Fifi,'
it's 'Fifa.'"

You may remember last year
we examined what an appalling
organization FIFA is,

treating countries that host
the World Cup
like cash machines,

practically imposing
their own rule of law,

generating billions
of dollars, and yet,

somehow remaining
a nonprofit.

Now, despite being almost
the dictionary definition
of corruption,

they've escaped any
significant prosecution
for decades.

But that all ended
on Wednesday.

Male reporter:
High-ranking officials
from FIFA,

the sport's governing body,
arrested in an overnight raid
in Switzerland,

the result of
a sweeping FBI investigation.

I don't know what I'm more
surprised by,

that FIFA officials
were actually arrested

or that America was behind it.

It took the country that cares
the least about football

to bring down the people
who have been ruining it.

That's-- that's like
finding out that Kesha
arrested a group of bankers

involved in commodities fraud.

Wow, Kesha.
I actually did not think
this was an interest of yours.

But you've been
undeniably effective.

Tenacious prosecution, K.

It's not just the fact
of the arrests
that was spectacular,

it's how they were
carried out.

We saw several
of those FIFA officials
led from the hotel,

I think it was the hotel staff
trying to protect
their appearance,

if not their dignity,
with white hotel sheets.

Oh. That is perfect.

Because hotel sheets are very
much like FIFA officials.

They really should be clean,
but they're actually
unspeakably filthy,

and deep down
everybody knows that.

Essentially,
the U.S. government
has accused FIFA officials

of soliciting $150 million
in bribes and kickbacks,

in forms ranging
from cash in a briefcase
to an expensive painting,

which, to be fair,
is unexpectedly
classy corruption

for sports executives.

'Cause if you wanted
to bribe Roger Goodell,

all you'd really need
is a cardboard box
filled with old "Playboys."

Apparently,
the big breakthrough came

when the IRS caught
Chuck Blazer,

a corrupt American
FIFA official and actual
bad Santa.

For many years, Blazer
didn't even file a tax return,

which was a little suspicious
considering the lifestyle
he lived.

Male reporter:
His criminal activity
financed an opulent lifestyle,

that included a luxury
apartment in New York's
Trump Tower

for the use of his cats.

Wow!

None of us know what
aloof really means

until we meet a cat
that has its own apartment
in Trump Tower.

He probably doesn't even
lick himself. He just uses
the on-site dry cleaning.

Now, Blazer became
an FBI informant,

and with his help
the U.S. government
managed to produce

a 164-page indictment
which I genuinely recommend
that you read

because it's amazing.

Let me give you just a taste.
For instance,

it alleges that former FIFA
vice president Jack Warner

tried to help buy votes
with envelopes containing
$40,000 in cash.

And when someone objected,
he said, "If you're pious,
open a church, friends.

"Our business
is our business."

Which is not just awful,
it's factually incorrect.

Because opening a church
is a fantastic way
to make a shit ton of money.

That's just a fact.
And...

If you need any more proof
that Jack Warner

could not give less of a f*ck,
listen to this.

After he was arrested,
he left jail in an ambulance
claiming exhaustion.

Exhaustion that he
then recovered from
miraculously quickly.

Female reporter:
Hours after he was released
from jail,

the former FIFA exec
turned politician
was defiant

as he addressed a rally.

♪ Every little thing
is gonna be all right ♪

[audience laughs]
That is cocky.

Denying any involvement
while singing "Every little
thing's gonna be all right."

As songs go,
that's a little on the nose.

I guess we're just lucky
that he didn't go

with "Got Your Money"
by Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Which, come to think of it,
are three words that describe
Jack Warner perfectly.

But the cherry on top
of all of this

was a video Jack Warner
released just today,

where he suggested that this
arrest was all a conspiracy,

brining hard proof
in the form
of a newspaper article

stating that FIFA was trying
to placate the U.S.

by giving them
an extra World Cup this year.

FIFA has frantically announced



this year, um, Olympic final

in the World Cup
beginning May 27.

If the FIFA is so bad,

why is it the USA wants
to keep the FIFA World Cup?

And let's be fair, he's right.

FIFA giving the U.S.
an extra World Cup
is comically ridiculous.

It's the sort of thing
you'd usually see
in an "Onion" article.

Which it turns out was exactly
what he was holding up there.

And it says something...
it says something

about how corrupt FIFA is
that one of their
ex-vice presidents

could look at that story
and think, "Yeah.

"That sounds like something
they might do. Yeah. Yeah."

But maybe the most remarkable
thing about all of the charges

is that they didn't
touch Sepp Blatter,

who's been President of FIFA
for the last 17 years.

Now, on his watch,
the World Cup has left
a trail of devastation.

Just last year, Brazil spent
billions of dollars

on massive new stadiums
to host the World Cup.

Stadiums which have met
a predictable fate.

These days there's very
little football being played

at the world's second most
expensive stadium.

In fact, it mostly sits empty.

After hosting less than
a handful of matches
during last year's World Cup,

it's never been filled again.

Today, it serves mainly
as a parking lot
for these buses.

You have to give them credit.

FIFA literally
went into Brazil,

paved paradise
and put up a parking lot.

But that is just a drop
in the ocean of what has
happened on Blatter's watch.

Just look at what's
gonna happen next Saturday,

when the Women's
World Cup starts.

Blatter has
previously suggested

raising the popularity
of women's soccer

by saying, "They could,
for example,
have tighter shorts.

"Female players are pretty."

And it is rare to find
a non-fired boss

who will openly say,
"I would like to make
it easier

"for me to masturbate
to my employees."

And as you'll see next week,
that is pretty much
the full extent

of Blatter's care
for female players' legs.

Female reporter:
Every game will be played,
for the first time in history,

on artificial turf.

Many U.S. team members
are livid.

It is a gender equality issue.

No chance would the men
ever play a World Cup
on turf.

Reporter:
Leroux recently posted
pictures of skin burns

she says were caused
by turf.

Holy shit!

The last time an athlete's
legs were beaten up that badly

in advance of
a major competition,

it was because Tonya Harding
was unwilling to settle
for silver.

But no decision
Blatter has overseen

is more questionable
than the 2022 World Cup
being awarded to Qatar.

Because not only
will the conditions
be terrible to play in,

but the number of migrant
workers that have
died in Qatar

since the Cup was announced
has been staggering.

Female reporter:
Now, the numbers are difficult
to pin down.

But a report by the
International Trade
Union Confederation,

for example, has estimated


with up to 4,000 additional
worker deaths by 2022.

Now, even if all those
are not directly related
to the World Cup,

those are still
natural disaster numbers.

Weather services should start
issuing FIFA warnings.

"A stadium is being planned
in your area.
Evacuate immediately."

And you would think all this
might cost Sepp Blatter
his job.

And on Friday, he was actually
up for reelection
as FIFA's president,

and offered a pretty terrible
defense for himself.

I know many people hold me

ultimately responsible
for the actions

and reputation
of the global
football community.

We, or I,

cannot monitor everyone
all of the time.

That is weak.

You are basically
Charles Manson saying,

"Listen, I've got
a big family.

"I don't know what Squeaky
gets up to half the time."

And by this point,
having learned what you
know about FIFA,

you have no right
to be surprised by the results
of Friday's election.

With all eyes on FIFA,
the most powerful man
in football, Sepp Blatter,

has won a fifth term
as president
of that organization.

Come on! He presided
over the worst fiasco
in their history.

It's like a Sony executive
greenlighting a sequel

in the middle of
watching "Aloha."

"This-- this is absolutely
terrible, and I need to make
sure there's more of it.

"We'll call it 'Aloha 2:

"This Time We Mean
The Other Meaning.'"

Blatter's--
Blatter's reelection

was absolutely
a foregone conclusion.

Everyone knew this was coming.

And I can explain why.

All 209 members in FIFA
get a single vote
for president.

And a lot of those
smaller members
have a financial interest

in keeping things
exactly as they are.

Male reporter:
All share equally the profits
from the World Cup,

regardless of size
or soccer prowess.

Man:
Liechtenstein gets
as much money as Germany.

Andorra gets as much money
as Spain.

And Montserrat gets
as much money
as United States.

That's right. The U.S.
gets the same share
as Montserrat,

which A, isn't even a country,

and B, has a population
of less than 6,000.

So America, a country with
a population of 320 million,

gets just as much as an island
with a head count

matching that of a slightly
overbooked Caribbean cruise.

matching that of a slightly
overbooked Caribbean cruise.
And that's why
under FIFA's system,
leadership never changes.

And that's why
under FIFA's system,
leadership never changes.

Their elections are
such a joke

that four years ago
Blatter ran unopposed.

This was the actual
ballot paper from that year.

And they should at least
have added a second box
so that your options were

"vote Blatter"
or "go f*ck yourself."

And the problem is all
the arrests in the world

are gonna change nothing
as long as Blatter
is still there.

Because to truly k*ll a snake
you must cut off its head.

Or in this case,
its assh*le.

But-- but if America keeps
driving this investigation--

[applause]
This is important.

If America keeps driving
this investigation,

and actually finds something
to indict him,

I don't think you understand
how much that would mean
to everyone on earth.

The whole world's opinion
of America would change
overnight.

Let me put this in terms
you might understand.

If the Dutch somehow found
a reason to extradite
and lock up Donald Trump,

you would think, "Holy shit!
The Dutch are awesome!

"The Dutch are--
What a country!"

That is what is on the table
for you, America.

And if you won't do it,
the last hope
to get rid of him

is in the hands
of the only group

even more powerful
than world governments.

Right now, he's being backed
because the money's
still flowing in.

The second Nike says goodbye,
or the second Visa
says goodbye,

or Adidas or Coca-Cola
or Budweiser,

I guarantee you, FIFA will
not-- the heads of FIFA

will not have the support
they currently enjoy.

Exactly.
Barring an indictment,

the only people with the power
to get rid of Sepp Blatter

are FIFA's sponsors.
These companies.

And I would like to make
a plea to them tonight.

Please, make Sepp Blatter
go away.

I will do anything.
Adidas, I'll wear one
of your ugly shoes.

[applause]
One of these shoes

that make me look like
the Greek god of aspiring DJs.

McDonald's, I will take a bite

out of every item
on your dollar menu.

Which tastes like normal food
that was cursed
by a vindictive wizard.

And I will even make
the ultimate sacrifice.

Budweiser,
if you pull your support

and help get rid of Blatter,

I will put my mouth
where my mouth is

and I will personally drink
one of your disgusting items.

I'm serious.
It can be a Bud Light.

I will even drink
a Bud Light Lime.

Despite the fact
that all the lime in the world

cannot disguise the fact
that this tastes like a puddle

beneath a Long John Silver's
Dumpster.

But I will do it.
I will drink one,

maintaining eye contact
with the camera,

and I will say
it was delicious.

Because if you get rid
of the Swiss demon

who has ruined
the sport I love,

this stuff will taste
like f*cking champagne.

[cheering, applause]

And now, this:

Announcer:
And now,

Bernie Sanders
asks interviewers questions.

Do you know what youth
unemployment is today?
Man: No.

Do you know what the average
contribution was?
Man: What was it?

Do you know what the
unemployment rate there is?
Man: It's extremely high.

Do you know how much it costs
to go to college in Denmark?

How much does it cost?
Do you know?

Do you know what their
agenda is? Do you know
what they believe in?

Do you know how the VA
was processing claims?

Do you know how many factories
we have lost in the last
ten years?

Do you know what's going on
in Nicaragua? What's going on
in Panama?

Do you know what
the bottom 60 percent own?

Do you know what
the bad news is?

Do you know what you
have to do? Do you know what?

You know what?
Well, you know what?

You know what? I got a pain
in my stomach and I'm worried.

[laughter, applause]

And finally tonight, Hitler.

Or as I prefer to call him,
Mr. Eva Braun.

Hashtag "feminism,"
hashtag "Hitler."

Hitler died 70 years ago
last month.

Which is apparently
long enough

for some countries to get away
with TV shows like this.

Male reporter:
A new Czech Republic TV show

has pushed
the reality TV genre

even closer to the edge
of good taste,

with a new n*zi-themed show
called "Holiday
in the Protectorate."

The premise is simple:
three generations
of one family

are placed in a situation,
of a mock n*zi-occupied
Europe.

If they make it through
two months, they get 50 grand.

[crowd groaning]
That... that begs
so many questions.

Not the least of which is
what happens if
they don't win?

What does losing entail
on that show? Because in 1939,

the stakes
were pretty f*cking high.

Now, you might think
that that is the most
casual use of n*zi history

you can possibly imagine.
But there's actually
been something

that we've been wanting
to show to you for a while.

A couple of months ago,
we were researching a story
and stumbled across

a propaganda video produced
by the Thai government

designed to teach the core
values of Thai society.

Just keep an eye out
for what one child
is painting.



[audience groans]

Yes. That is a child
applauding their friend's
Hitler painting.

Which is obviously offensive.
You don't applaud art
when you like it.

You nod thoughtfully
and drink your weight

in complimentary
gallery Chardonnay.

Now, we naturally assumed
this was just
a one-off aberration.

But it turns out Thailand
has something of a bizarre
fixation with Hitler imagery.

Thailand's biggest university
apologizing today
for a controversial mural.

Take a look at the artwork.
It's depicting Adolf Hitler
in a group of superheroes.

Female reporter:
A Christian school in Thailand
now apologizing

for allowing students to march
in a n*zi-themed parade.

Male reporter:
The Hitler chicken restaurant

is using the image
of the n*zi leader

on an emblem similar to KFC.

KFC calls it
extremely distasteful.

That's right. KFC, the makers
of the chicken scraps

and potato mélange
you drink from a cup,

called something
extremely distasteful,

and were not
being hypocritical.

Now, to be fair,
in Thai schools,

"world history
is not given much attention,

"with little or no mention
of the Holocaust."

Although to be even fairer,
come on!

How is it appropriate
to use Hitler on a billboard

to advertise a wax museum,
or to advertise
a herbal laxative tea

with Hitler proclaiming,
"Release the demon."

That doesn't even make sense,
Thailand.

If you had Hitler screaming
at you to take a shit,

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't
need a f*cking laxative.

And we haven't even got
into the clothing available
in Thailand yet.

You can buy t-shirts featuring
panda Hitlers,

and Teletubby Hitlers.

Who is that last one for?

There are two types
of people who would wear
Hitler Teletubby clothing.

The type that want a Teletubby
shirt so badly they'll take
one with Hitler on it,

and the type who want a Hitler
shirt so badly they'll take
one with a Teletubby on it.

And I'm not sure
who the worse person is there.

But the greatest example

of just how comfortable
Thailand is with
Hitler imagery

is the fact that a Thai band
called "Slur" once
produced this video.



That is misjudged just
from a marketing standpoint.

How are teenage girls
supposed to pick
a favorite boy band member

if all of them
are the bad boy?

Look, look, Thailand,
you need to understand

the only acceptable depictions
of Hitler are either
in a history textbook

or accidentally
on a dog's face.

That's the only time.

Who's a bad boy? You are.

You're a very bad boy.

But to embrace
the actual Hitler
is a real problem.

He was terrible.
Google Hitler right now,
Thailand,

and see what comes up.
Seriously, do it now.
We will all wait.

[soft music plays]

Yes. Exactly, Thailand.
He was really bad.

Look, this has to stop.

'Cause if you need
a charismatic personality with
a funny mustache to worship,

there are other options.
In fact, there's
a perfect option.

And I'm talking about beloved
comedian and TV personality
Rip Taylor.

He's got everything
you're looking for, Thailand.

Funny mustache, check.
Colorful outfits, big check.

What about a flair
for pageantry?

Rip Taylor,
ladies and gentlemen.



I don't understand
what the hell
they're doing!

I mean, it looks more like
a riptide to me!

Sure, it's no Nuremberg Rally,
but come on.

It's pretty close.

And the beauty is Rip Taylor
is more than willing

to be the new face
of whatever you want
in Thailand.

Don't take my word for it.
Tell them, Rip.

Thailand, I would love
to be your substitute Hitler!

I would love to be your
substitute Hitler!

Put Rip Taylor
on whatever you want.

Murals and walls and t-shirts
and chicken restaurants

and dress up your boy bands
as me! Seriously! [laughs]

Come on, do it.
Don't just sit there, do it!

See? He'll do it!
And guess what?

Rip Taylor-- Rip Taylor has
never k*lled six million Jews.

Tell them, Rip.

Rip's never k*lled
a single Jew!

Not a single one! Seriously!

No Jews. Never. Never.
It's not my nature.

Exactly! And to be honest,
that's a relief,

'cause I did not check that
before asking him.

But the point is it's true,
so come on, Thailand.

'Cause if anything,
your laxative teas

are about to get
even better commercials.

That's our show,
our huge thanks to Rip Taylor.
Please join us next week!

Good night!

Wanna know the difference
between this show
and my toupée?

My toupée is more likely
to stay on. [laughs]

Good night, America!
Hope you learned
about politics! I did!

[audience cheering]
Post Reply