02x16 - Bail in the United States

[bunniefuu]

♪

[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver,
thank you so much

for being with us
this evening.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and obviously we begin
with FIFA,

the sports organization
that is much easier
to pronounce

than "Niffle", "Mulb",

or "Unba".

Last week, we covered
FIFA's recent scandals,

and how shocking it was
that their Swiss lizard
of a president, Sepp Blatter,

was still in office.

Well, on Tuesday there
was some amazing news.

Top of the hour
as Sepp Blatter
shocks the globe.

You don't often
say that with accuracy,
but that happened today--

resigning as the president
of FIFA.

Oh, my God!
[audience cheers]

He's leaving!
He's actually leaving!

I feel like a Greenpeace
volunteer who successfully
got someone's attention.

I-- I didn't think
this would happen,

and now I don't know
what to do.

Now, if you watched us
last week, you'll know

that I may have some personal
Bud Light Lime related
consequences due to this.

We will deal with that
later in the show.

But for now,
let's just focus
on the story,

because the timing
of Blatter's announcement
was notable for two reasons.

First, it was only
four days after being
reelected president.

That's like being elected pope
and immediately announcing,

"Judaism makes some
good points.

I think I may have
got this wrong."

And secondly, Blatter
stepped down just days
before the U.S. release

of United Passions,
a suspiciously glowing
movie history of FIFA.

Newscaster:
This is the movie version
of Sepp Blatter,

played by Tim Roth
and largely bankrolled

by the football
organization itself.

This movie theater
is the only one in New York
showing United Passions.

We're just a few minutes
from the very first showing,

and, well, they're not exactly
fighting off the crowds.

Okay.

So-- so I say this.

To the one person
in New York
who has been looking

for a large private room
in which to masturbate
to images of Tim Roth,

it would appear you
are finally in luck.

Thank you for your patience.

The reviews so far
have been phenomenal.

The Guardian said that
"as cinema, it is excrement."

And The New York Times
called it "one of the most
unwatchable films

in recent memory."
And remember,

this is the same week
the Entourage movie came out.

Hashtag--
the boys are back.

But perhaps most worrying
of all for FIFA

was that their former
vice president Jack Warner,

who stands accused
of facilitating at least
$10 million in bribes,

has indicated he might
take everyone else
down with him.

Newscaster:
In a rambling seven-minute
video he released Wednesday

entitled "Jack Warner:
The Gloves Are Off,"

he vowed to reveal
rampant wrongdoing

at the highest levels
of world soccer.

I don't know what
I love more about that,

that he released a video
that was basically
a veiled threat,

or that it played
on Trinidadian television.

Because apparently,
you can just buy time
on TV there

to say whatever you like.

So here's the thing--
that's what we've done.

We-- we have--
[applause]

We have more to say
to Jack Warner
than we have room for here.

So we bought
five minutes of airtime
on Trinidad's TV 6

at 9:01 p.m. on Tuesday.

We will be preempting
the first five minutes
of, and this is true,

Mike & Molly,

and we'll be doing it
with "John Oliver:

The Mittens
Of Disapproval Are On."

So fly to Trinidad on Tuesday
if you want to see that.

But for now,
the rest of us--

let's move on
to cyber security,

the only reason most of us
know our mother's maiden name.

It's an increasingly
important part
of America's defense,

and on Thursday
we saw why.

Newscaster:
This morning the U.S.
government is struggling

to assess the damage,

officials revealing possibly
the biggest cyber attack

on the U.S. government ever
breached their critical
computer networks.

Okay, CNN, a hack
into government computers
is perfectly scary enough

without adding leftover
graphics from The Matrix.

The problem is already huge
without the specter

of a merciless
kung fu quasi-Jesus
in a duster jacket.

The hackers broke into systems
containing information

for more than four million
current and former
federal employees,

potentially hitting
every federal agency

from the Department
of Justice all the way

to even the National
Marine Fisheries Service.

Which means there
could be an undercover
Fisheries officer right now

whose information
is in the hands
of hackers.

Sergeant Gillis,
swim away!

Your cover's blown!
Get out of there!

So I have to know,
who is responsible for this?

Newscaster:
According to officials,
evidence points to hackers

working for
the Chinese military.

The motive here may be
to obtain personal information

that can be used
for blackmail purposes

to turn some of those
U.S. employees

into spies, perhaps even,
for the Chinese--
at least informants.

That's crazy.
Listen, China.

If you really want
to blackmail Americans,
you're going about this wrong.

Don't bother hacking
into government computers
to grab our personnel files.

Just get our browser
histories and we'll
turn traitor instantly.

Because you can have
our Social Security numbers,

but there is no one
on Earth who would not
betray their country

to keep people from
finding out that their
last five Google searches

were "What country
are dragons in?",

"Ray Romano nip slip,"

"Sexiest cats,"

"Tinder one year
no matches troubleshoot,"

and "Uncontrollable
farting cancer?"

You want leverage, China,
that's where you'll find it.

And finally,
finally this week, Turkey.

Turkey, the country
that's always much bigger
than you think it is.

Much like Tim Robbins.
Did you know he's six-five?
He's very big.

Turkey's election was today,

and the ruling party
lost their majority.

The election turned
on too many issues
to get into now,

but there was one
which I have to mention,

because last week
opposition leader
Kemal Kilicdaroglu

accused Turkey's president
Recep Erdogan

of wasting taxpayer money
on something truly ridiculous.

Newscaster:
Opposition leader
Kemal Kilicdaroglu

accused the president
of using taxpayers' money

to decorate his bathroom,

most notably
with a golden lavatory.

Yes. He claimed Erdogan
has a golden toilet.

And that hurts,
'cause on the list of
offensive symbols of wealth,

that is somewhere between
having a servant carry you
everywhere piggyback style

and owning poor people
touching gloves.

It's a heavy accusation,

which is why Erdogan
hit back hard.

Newscaster:
The president issued
a challenge

to the opposition leader.

Translator:
I invite him

to please come
and take a tour.

I wonder if he'll be
able to find

such a golden toilet seat
in any of these washrooms.

If he finds it,
I will resign
from the presidency.

If he can't find them,
he will resign
from his party.

Yes, you heard that right.

He was offering a good,
old-fashioned,

loser leaves town
Turkish toilet hunt.

And those
are some high stakes.

Because normally,
the worst thing that happens
when you can't find a toilet

is you tie a sweatshirt
around your waist

and you quietly leave
the house party.

Now, sadly,
the challenge was refused,
which is a tragedy.

Because what Erdogan
was proposing was
a literal game of thrones.

"All this power will
be yours, if you can find
the fabled golden toilet.

However, if you cannot,
you shall be banished
from the kingdom.

For in the game of thrones,
you poop or you die."

And now, this.

Announcer:
Here's to you...

[audience cheering]

Our main story tonight
is bail.

We're so used to it,
it has become a fixture
of American life.

Man: Down here at the shore,
one minute you got three girls

in a Jacuzzi, next minute
somebody's in jail

and you have to
bail them out.

That's what happens
down at the shore.

[laughter]

The other thing that happens
down at the shore? Chlamydia.

Just a medically astounding
rate of chlamydia.

At its heart,
America's bail system
sounds pretty simple.

If you're charged
with a crime, the court
might ask for an amount

of money as bond
and then return it to you
once you show up for trial.

And if you have that money,
it's no big deal.

But if you don't,
you can be in big trouble.

Just look at one example,
a man called Miguel.

He was arrested for driving
with a suspended license,

the court set bail
at a thousand dollars,
and he had a choice--

pay it or await a trial
in Rikers Island.

And I'll let Miguel
and his wife take
the story from there.

I wouldn't wish Rikers
on my worst enemy,
'cause it's rough.

It was hard because
I had to borrow--
I had to try to borrow money

from this person,
and this person,

and this person
to try to get him out.

He told the judge,
"I can't afford
a thousand dollar bail."

So he really didn't
have a choice
but to plead guilty.

Now whether he was guilty
or not, the fact is
a nonviolent offender

spent time in Rikers
because he didn't have
a thousand dollars.

And this is
a systemic problem.

Increasingly,
bail has become a way

to lock up the poor
regardless of guilt.

Because Miguel
was a family man

who posed no danger
to society whatsoever
and he was stuck in Rikers,

whereas millionaire
Robert Durst,

who'd been accused
of m*rder in Texas,

had a completely different
experience of the bail system.

I'd been told
by the detective that, uh,

"You've been charged
with m*rder, bail has
been set at $250,000."

But was your intention
when you put up the $250,000
to run away?

Oh, good-bye $250,000.
Good-bye jail. I'm out!

"I'm out!"
[audience booing]

That, of course,
is an excerpt

from Robert Durst's
children's book

"Goodbye Jail."

"Good-bye, money.
Good-bye, bail.

I k*lled them all,
but good-bye jail.

Of course. Of course."

The problem is the frequency
and cost of bail
have risen dramatically,

and it is disproportionately
hurting the poor.

In fact, in 2013,
an analysis of New Jersey's
jail population

found that nearly 40 percent
were being held solely because

they couldn't meet
the terms of their bail,
which is crazy.

Jail is supposed to be
for dangerous criminals.

If 40 percent of a group
don't meet the basic
criteria to be there,

that should change your
perception of what
that group is.

If 40 percent
of the Girl Scouts
were grown men,

you'd feel weird about
buying cookies from them.

So-- so what happens
if you can't make bail?

Well, much like a game
of "f*ck, Marry, k*ll" with
Crosby, Stills, and Nash,

there are a few
terrible scenarios.

Option one,
you sit in jail.

And again, if you're poor,
as this defense attorney
explains,

that has immediate
consequences.

Our clients work at jobs
where if you're absent,
you're fired.

Our clients live in shelters
or in transitional housing,

places where if you're
not there for the night,
your place is gone.

So there are
a lot of different ways
in which incarceration,

even for a short period
of time, can really
destroy someone's life.

Exactly. Jail can do
for your actual life

what being in a marching band
can do for your social life.

Even if you're just in
for a little while,
it can destroy you.

Destroy you.

But that means--
it's no wonder

that many defendants
who can't afford bail
favor option number two,

simply pleading guilty
even if you're not,

as a former public defender
explains.

You sit in jail because
you can't afford

to pay your way to freedom.

And you're often
confronted with a deal
that goes like this--

plead guilty, get out;

maintain your innocence
and go to trial, stay in.

And poor people
are regularly choosing
to admit guilt

just to get out of there,
which isn't good.

The only time
that's appropriate is in
a Catholic confessional.

"What do you mean
is there anything else?

I don't know,
I masturbated
into a kiwi fruit.

Is that what you
want to hear?
Just let me leave!

I have stuff to do."

And the problem is,
if you do plead guilty
to a crime you didn't commit,

that has its own downsides,
because, unfortunately,

on a job application
next to the question

"Have you ever been
convicted of a crime?
Check yes or no--"

most don't then leave
four pages of blank space

to explain the social
and economic inequalities
inherent in the legal system.

And that brings us
to your final option,
commercial bail bondsmen.

You know, the people
who make amazing ads
like these.

Grumpy's Bail Bonds
has busted out

all over middle Tennessee.

♪ I ain't going out
like that ♪

♪ I'm a call for bail bonds
'cause they got my back ♪

♪ They got me out in no time,
now I'm back on track ♪

Man:
Jesus Christ Bail Bonds!

May God release you on
a payment plan by calling me.

I'm Bishop Barry
of Jesus Christ
Bail Bonds.



If you're locked up
and afraid--
Bail out!

Bail out!
Bail out!

Bail out!
Bail out!

Bail out!
Jesus Christ
Bail Bonds!

Yes. Jesus Christ
Bail Bonds!

Amazing.
But I will say,

it is a little weird
given that Jesus,

pretty memorably, I think,
was not bailed out.

I mean,
he did eventually
escape custody,

but it was a real
workaround of the system.

Now here is how
that system works, though.

Bail bondsmen promise
the court to pay your bail

if you fail to show up
for a trial.

In exchange, you pay them
of the bail amount,

which they then keep
regardless of how
your trial goes.

So if your bail
is $5,000 and you're
found innocent,

then you've basically
just paid a $750 fee
to a bondsman

for doing absolutely
nothing wrong.

And paying $750
for absolutely nothing

should be reserved
for one thing
and one thing only--

six-month gym memberships.
That's it.

You're not gonna use it,
Gerald.

You're gonna use
the treadmill twice,
and that's it.

This is learning
to speak Korean
all over again, Gerald.

And if you don't show up
for your trial,

bail bondsmen routinely
hire bounty hunters
to track you down,

and they have a frightening
amount of power.

Newscaster:
In all but four states,
the companies are legally

allowed to take almost
any measure necessary
to capture a client,

including crossing state lines
and breaking into homes.

It's a dangerous business
for everyone involved,

with few rules
and little oversight.

Oh, they're not kidding.
In 18 states,

anyone can become
a bounty hunter

regardless of education,
training,

or prior criminal history.

Becoming a bounty hunter
is basically a lot

like becoming
a social media expert.

All it takes is
wanting it bad enough

and not caring
about whether strangers
hate you or not.

But then the news
that any idiot
can be a bounty hunter

shouldn't really be
that surprising to you

if you've ever turned on A&E
and stumbled across this.

I am a lawman
on a mission from God.

When I say "freeze!",

they know what I'm saying.

How's it going, man?
Freeze! [bleep]

[bleeped shouting]
Get down!

[shouting]

The only way this guy
will get away from us

is if he kills himself
right now

and jumps into
a pool of sharks.

Okay. Okay.

I have to be a stickler
over chronology, Dog,

but how do you
k*ll yourself and then
jump into a pool of sharks?

That's the kind
of attention to detail, Dog,

that makes me worry
about you operating as
an unregulated vigilante.

Now that show
was so popular,

it inspired pretty much
every other bail business

to pitch themselves
as a reality show.

Just click around online
and you will find sizzle reels

for a veritable
smorgasbord
of similar shows.

♪ Walk and you talk
and you're acting
like a criminal ♪

♪ Running through the woods
like a four-legged animal ♪

The bottom line is,
while you're on bond,
we're on your ass.

Dear idiot,
we're coming to get you.

Man: Bounty hunting
is a natural high.

You gotta think like them,
be like them,

and react quicker than them.

Put your hands up!

Narrator:
You want tough?

You want action?

Meet Big Benny.

They call him Teddy Bear.

It doesn't stop there.

There's also Richard,
the Screwdriver.

Richard L.,
the Other Richard.

Allison,
the Greco Roman Wrestler.

Caroline, the one
who took up archery after
watching The Hunger Games.

And don't forget Jennifer,
the arthritic alpaca
in a bowler hat.

Actually, you know what?

I now regret
making fun of that.

Now that
I'm seeing the cast,
I get the appeal.

I want to see
those characters grow.

Clearly, these shows
are in a competitive
marketplace.

And the problem is,
when people try
to stick out,

ideas like this happen.

So what do we
do differently?

We don't just bounty hunt,
we bounty race.

Narrator:
Each week...

two new teams
of bounty hunters...

go head to head.

Welcome to the most dangerous
competition on television.

Bail Chasers.

Okay. First of all--

first of all,
the most dangerous
competition on television

is The Bachelorette.

Those women have loved
and they've lost.

Love is a reward,
but it's also a risk,
g*dd*mn it! It's a risk!

She's putting herself
on the line!

She's there
for the right reasons!

She sees her husband
in that room!

And-- and second,
it says something about
how comfortable we all are

with how our bail system
works that a TV show

where people with g*ns
hunt humans for sport

seems legitimate
because we just think,

"Well, they're just
doing their actual job."

And when you give
bounty hunters
this kind of power,

bad things happen.

Newscaster:
Veteran Gene Travis says
he was sitting with his wife

on his Bethpage front porch.
Next thing he knows,

his barn is being searched,
and Travis has a stun g*n
pointed at his back.

The intruders--
Mark Brummett
and his wife Angela,

bounty hunters who police
say had the wrong home.

Newscaster #2:
Clay was shot
by one of the bondsman.

He was then transported
to EIRMC, where he died.

Newscaster #3:
Was a bounty hunter
justified in tasing

a Midwest City homeowner
last Saturday?

Was another justified
in sh**ting his dog?

Police say the video tape
they took says no.

Yeah, the video says no,

basic human decency says no,

even a Magic 8 Ball
having seen that
would say,

"Holy shit! I can't believe
you're even asking me. No!"

Look, our current
bail system makes no sense

and it does a lot of harm.

And the frustrating thing
is we've known this
for a long time.

Just watch this TV
news special from 1964.

Narrator:
Yes, the jails
are bursting at the seams--

a problem of great concern

to New York City Commissioner
of Correction Anna Cross.

Remaining in jail
because you can't get bail

is really being punished
before you're even
found guilty.

As far as I was concerned,
that was not just.

That was destroying
our concept of justice.

That's right.
This problem has been obvious

since it was considered okay
to wear a wastebasket
on your head.

But look, here's--
here's the good news.

There is a better way,
and it's already in use

in our federal courts
and in Washington, D.C.

Newscaster:
Judges in Washington
are allowed to set money bail

only if the defendant
can afford it.

The results have been
far fewer people
spending time behind bars.

Man:
We are the only city
in America

where tonight
at our jail

there is not a single man
or woman

who is sitting
because they don't
have the money

to meet their money bond.

And it's a testament--
it's a testament

to the state
of our justice system

that that qualifies
as bragging,

because that should
be the norm.

He's like a bus driver
showing up at school saying,

"23 kids picked up,


I pitched a perfect game."

Pretrial services
works like this.

After you're arrested,
specialists assess

if you're dangerous
or a flight risk.

If a judge decides
that you're not,
you can go home,

and they may monitor you
with things like drug tests
or ankle monitors.

They even call you
to remind you
of your court date.

It's a system built
on interviews,

pre-arranged appearances,
and trust.

Much like Scientology
marriages, only in this case,

much more effective.

And pretrial service
programs have succeeded
around the country

in places ranging
from Oregon to Florida.

And it is a truly
frightening state of affairs

when Florida is a model
for progressive change.

It shouldn't be
a judicial example
for anything.

Did you know,
by the way,
that under Florida law

if you possess
over five grams of meth,
you can marry it.

That's a fact.
That's a legal fact.

That's an actual photo
that ran in a newspaper's
wedding section in Florida.

And yet-- and yet,

even counties in Florida
recognize our money bail
system is broken.

And not only
is pretrial services
better, it's cheaper.

A recent assessment
of one system showed it
costing only a tenth

as much as keeping
someone locked up.

Which makes sense,
because calling someone
to check in

costs virtually nothing.

This message brought
to you by your mother.

Your mother,
she brought you
into this world,

and would like to hear
your f*cking voice
once in a while!

So-- so--

so if pretrial services
are fairer, better,
and cheaper,

why aren't we all
using it?

Well, maybe because
thanks to reality shows,

we think that this
is what justice looks like.

We're gonna hunt
this scum down.

[bleep] Down! Now!

Bad dog.

So-- so maybe we just need
a new kind of reality show

to get us used
to the alternative.

[siren]

Narrator:
You want tough?

[growling]
You want action?

Move!
[shouting]

Meet Steve Carp.

He's one of the most
respected pretrial
services caseworkers

in the United States.

So let's see.
Okay, looks like
you were ticketed

with public urination.
No priors.

Seems like
a one-off sort of thing.

Can we count on you
to be back here
in six weeks for your trial?

Um, of course.

Great.
We're done here.

Uh, no.

This is a routine thing.

Statistically,
he's virtually guaranteed
to turn up.

We're done here.

We're done here.

Narrator:
They call Steve
"The Hand Grenade,"

and he works
with a crack team
of legal enforcers.

Meet Deborah.

Oh, hello.
This is Deborah
from Pretrial Services.

I'm just calling
to remind you about

your upcoming court date
this Thursday.

Well, you're welcome.

Narrator:
They call her "The Viper."

I feel like a cat.
You know... [meows]

[meows, chuckles]

All right, back to work.

♪

Narrator:
And then there's Brett.

So all these
are risk assessments.

This is all computerized,
but, you know,

I keep a, uh, hard copy
just in case.

Narrator:
That's why they call him
"The Annihilator."

[machine g*nf*re]

Narrator:
And finally, Gerald,

the guy in charge
of urine tests.

Clear. If there's something
in there that's illegal,

I'm gonna sniff it out.
'Cause that's what I do.

I'm a piss sniffer.

[heart beating]

We got one.

Narrator:
They call him "The Nose."

You really gonna make
a TV show out of this?

Who's gonna watch it?

Narrator:
You will,
because this fall,

we'll be bringing you
all the thrills
and excitement

of pretrial supervision
as this elite team
brings people to justice.

Well, we don't bring them
to justice. It's more like
we make arrangements

for them to bring
themselves to justice.

Narrator:
Ignore that. This show is full
of high-stakes drama...

You better pray I don't
get you for secret Santa
this year!

You don't wanna
f*ck with Deborah.

Narrator:
...and inter-office romance.

Gerald is a bloodhound.

Oh, yeah! She wants me.

And if wasn't for all them
cats, I would hit that.

I would knock the bottom
out of her.

Narrator:
But most importantly...

♪ Filling out forms
and filing them
in triplicate ♪

♪ We won't lock you up
if your crime's
not significant ♪

♪ If you get a ticket
for public urination ♪

♪ We won't lock you up
so you lose your occupation ♪

♪ We kick it indoors,
screaming dead or alive ♪

♪ This is an office job,
we all go home at five ♪

♪ The system works well,
so there's no need
for nervousness ♪

♪ It's all in the game
at Pretrial Services ♪

♪

Narrator:
Pretrial Services.

Coming this fall to A&E.

It's cost-effective,
m*therf*cker.

And finally tonight,
FIFA again.

Listen, I cannot
avoid this any longer.

We have some
unfinished business.

Newscaster:
On Sunday night,

while reporting on
the FIFA scandal,

John Oliver
made this promise.

Budweiser,
if you pull your support,

and help get rid of Blatter,

I will put my mouth
where my mouth is

and I will personally
drink one of your
disgusting items.

I'm serious.
It can be a Bud Light.

I will even drink
a Bud Light Lime.

I did promise that.

And, you know what?
It didn't end there.

I also promised
to wear these ridiculous
Adidas shoes

and take a bite
from everything on the
McDonald's Dollar Menu.

I didn't think
this would happen.

Now, to be fair,
to be fair,

it is not clear that
the sponsors had anything
to do with Blatter leaving,

and Blatter's departure
still leaves FIFA
with a huge amount

of restructuring to do.
But, that said,

a promise is a promise,
and I'm a man of my word.

So first,
check these puppies out.

[audience cheering]

Who needs arch support
when you look

like Louis XIV
going to a rap battle?

And as for McDonald's,
well, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
I'm doin' it.

So let's see.
A bite of all of this
disgusting mess.

[audience cheering]

It's like there's
a party in my mouth,

and my stomach
has called the cops
to shut it down.

Look, I can't
delay it any longer.

We all know
what the main event is.

I promised I would drink
a Bud Light Lime
and say it was delicious.

However, for the record,
I didn't promise anything

about what I would say
before I drank it.

Which is...
that Bud Light Lime tastes

like Jolly Green Giant's
ej*cul*te.

It tastes like
the Great Gazoo urinating
in a public pool...

or a lime
Jolly Rancher fished out
of Mickey Rourke's mouth.

But, look,
if I'm gonna do this,

I'm not gonna do it small.
I'm gonna do it properly.

So please come with me.
It's a cool party!

Where cool people
are having a good time.
Thank you very much.

So here we go.
Bud Light Lime may taste

like your tongue
is angry with you,

but after seeing Sepp Blatter
leaving, to me it tastes...

[audience cheering]

Delicious!

That's our show.
A reminder--

we're on Trinidad
at 9:01 p.m. Tuesday.

See you next week.
Good night!

[audience cheering]

♪