[theme music playing]
[cheering, applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much
for joining us.
Just time
for a quick recap
of this week,
and we begin in Afghanistan.
It's the "just the tip"
of international conflicts.
We jumped in too fast,
went in further
than we originally intended,
and now we're pulling out
way more slowly than
we said we would.
Peace talks were supposed
to take place this week
between the Taliban
and the Afghan government,
but, on Wednesday,
there was a big development.
Breaking news
out of Afghanistan,
right now.
The government there says
that Taliban leader
Mullah Mohammed Omar
is dead.
Okay. Well, that's--
that's probably going
to affect those talks then.
The Taliban has lost
its key figure,
and that's going
to be difficult.
It's not unlike when
"Two and a Half Men"
lost Charlie Sheen.
Yes, yes,
the guy was a nightmare,
but he was undeniably
the figurehead of the whole
terrible enterprise.
Now, the US knew
surprisingly little
about Mullah Omar.
In fact, this was
the government's
wanted poster,
featuring vivid
descriptions like
"Hair: Black,"
"Nationality: Afghan,"
and "Height: Tall,"
which is pretty nonspecific.
If you're a basketball player,
"tall" is seven feet.
but if you're writing
your own profile on OkCupid,
it can mean 5'6."
There's--
There's a discrepancy there.
It had actually
been a while since
we had seen Mullah Omar,
although, as we found out
later this week,
there was actually a pretty
good explanation for that.
Lester Holt: Afghan officials
said today, Mullah Omar died
of hepatitis in 2013,
but his death was
kept secret by the Taliban
for more than two years.
Yeah, it turns out
he's been dead for two years,
and the Taliban simply
hadn't mentioned it.
I don't know why.
Maybe they were just trying
to break it
to their members gently.
"Oh, Mullah Omar?
He's fine.
"He's living
on a farm upstate
"where he can run
and play with all the other
Taliban leaders
"that you haven't seen
for a while.
He's so happy.
You'll see him soon."
This actually put
the Taliban, though,
in something
of an awkward position,
because they were still
releasing statements from him
as recently
as two weeks ago.
They've essentially
been full-on "Weekend
at Bernie's"-ing him
for the last two years.
In fact, so much so,
that, in April, they even
published his biography,
saying, among other things,
that he...
...which, I guess,
was technically true.
Although, it would also
have been fair to say
he's on a disciplined diet
and has been spending
a lot of time in his garden.
But the point is,
by the end of the week,
the game was clearly up
and the Taliban announced
a new leader,
although details seemed
a little light.
Woman:
The new leader is Mullah
Akhtar Mohammad Mansour.
He has been the Taliban's
second in command
and deputy leader
since 2010.
He was formerly
the militant group's
minister of civil aviation
and transportation.
Wait, wait.
They went with the former
transportation minister?
That would be like
if President Obama's successor
were our current
transportation secretary,
Evelyn Sargent.
By the way,
that's a stock photo
of a woman we found online,
and Evelyn Sargent is
a made-up name.
The point is, you don't
know who the secretary
of transportation is.
Nobody does, because they're
not supposed to be in line
for the top job
in any organization!
Also, I have to say that's
not a lot of information
to go on.
Even the photo
of him is blurry.
So, frankly,
I dread to think
what the new
government profile on him
is going to look like.
So, let's move on
to some good news
out of Chechnya--
a sentence uttered
almost as infrequently
as, "Man,
I hope I get seated
next to a baby."
Chechnya delivered
a very unusual victory
in the w*r on terror
this week.
Three young Chechen women
have apparently had
more success battling ISIL
than some fighting forces.
They swindled ISIL fighters
out of thousands of dollars.
Woman: The trio
made the fighters think
they would be their brides.
The plot went like this:
The girls would meet
ISIL recruiters online,
but tell them
they had no money to travel
from Chechnya to Syria.
That's when ISIL would offer
to send them the funds.
Holy shit,
they catfished !sis!
They catfished !sis!
And it just goes to show--
forget the CIA--
there are no more intimidating
PSYOPS masterminds
in the world of warfare
than scheming teenage girls.
They will take you down!
They are mean!
The girls actually
took in over $3,000
before they got caught,
and the details are fantastic.
Translator:
He tried to pull me in,
asking if I wanted
to come to Syria
and that I'd like it.
I said I had no money,
and he said he'd help.
Woman: The girls received
the money,
but never traveled to Syria
Instead, they blocked
the ISIL fighter
they were communicating with
and moved on
to the next target.
Oh! They just blocked him.
That is cold.
They didn't even send
one last message saying,
"Really busy, can't get
into a thing right now,
but you are great.
It was fun talking to you!!"
They humiliated him
so badly,
I can't believe
I'm actually feeling sorry
for someone in !sis.
So, afterwards,
what's going to happen
to these three Chechen girls?
Are we talking
a parade in their honor,
statues with pixelated faces?
What's it gonna be?
It's unclear, though,
whether they will receive
any punishment for the scam.
Punishment?
You can't punish these girls.
Scamming !sis is
the best thing anyone did
on Earth this week.
It's basically
the exact opposite
of sh**ting a lion
with a bow and arrow.
These three girls are
the anti-dentist!
They must be celebrated!
We must honor them!
So, finally--
finally, this week,
the United Kingdom--
America's before photo.
Britain--
Britain found itself
in a Parliamentary
scandal this week
after "The Sun" newspaper
released a bombshell video.
The British lawmaker
has quit Parliament
in the wake of a drug
and prostitution scandal.
Lord Sewel is facing
a criminal investigation
after a video came out
this weekend
purportedly showing him
taking dr*gs with prostitutes.
Man: That's him, snorting
what looks like cocaine
with a couple of prostitutes.
Lounging in
the prost*tute's bra,
the 69-year-old married father
brags about having more
than a dozen marital affairs.
Okay, okay, okay,
there's obviously
a lot to unpack there--
the cocaine,
the prostitutes,
the orange bra,
which somehow seems to be
a perfect fit for
a 69-year-old married father.
I'm not saying
what he did was right.
I'm saying he knows
his own body, good for him.
Now-- Now, Lord Sewel--
seen here
dressed as Jeffrey Dahmer,
dressed as Santa Claus--
was forced to resign
as deputy speaker
of the House of Lords
after "The Sun's" video
was released.
And it wasn't just what
he was doing in the video
that was controversial.
It's what he was saying.
[Sewel speaking]
[audience laughs, groans]
Okay, okay, okay.
Ignoring the obvious racism
and sexism for a moment,
I'll say this
for Lord Sewel--
"We could have done
with a nice Asian lady,
but never mind,"
is an incredibly polite way
of registering a complaint
at a coke-fueled orgy.
The guy has manners,
but, as we learned
elsewhere in the footage,
Lord Sewel is nothing
if not spectacularly polite.
[woman speaks]
[Sewel speaks]
No one enjoys
cocaine "a little."
Cocaine is like !sis
or Insane Clown Posse.
It's not for everyone,
but the people who like it
like it to
a life-destroying extent.
Call your parents, Sean.
They don't know what's
happening to you.
And look, look, we don't
have time, I'm afraid,
to get into every aspect
of this video,
such as the fact
that Sewel snorted cocaine
through a £5 note,
meaning the cocaine had
to traverse the queen's face
en route to his nose,
or that he reportedly...
...before snorting cocaine
off the prost*tute's--
and I'm quoting
the tabloids here-- boobs.
And it's a good thing he did,
otherwise, he would've
heard his wife's nagging voice
in his head the whole time.
"You're spilling cocaine
everywhere, dear.
"There's an extra bit
you missed on the boob.
Waste not, want not."
Now, until he resigned,
there was one more
glorious tidbit.
Woman: "The Telegraph" reports
that he could become
the first peer to be expelled
from the House
under new rules that
he helped put in place.
He wrote the rules!
The only way this could be
any more ironic
is if he wrote them
on the back of a picture
of his wife,
which he then rolled up
to snort cocaine off
a prost*tute's boob.
It's just so great!
Now, let me give you
some quick context on
the House of Lords itself,
because it's perhaps
even stupider than this story.
It consists of nearly
almost all of whom
got lifetime appointments
from prime ministers,
who meet to review laws
passed by the House of Commons
in a room so gaudy,
it looks like the tomb
Liberace's dog was buried in.
These are, by definition,
a privileged group,
as you can tell
from their ridiculous titles,
such as--
and these are all real--
the Lord Ponsonby
of Shulbrede
and Baron Soulsby
of Swaffham Prior.
And yet, they can
claim a daily allowance
for attendance and travel
from the taxpayer,
something that sticks
in your throat a bit.
In fact,
one of Lord Sewel's guests
actually asked him
about this in the video.
[woman speaks]
[Sewel speaks]
Oh! Oh!
This guy is incredible!
"Oh, don't worry,
lovie darling.
"I'm not wasting
that money on lunch.
"I'm wasting it on cocaine,
and, as I said before,
insufficiently Asian whores."
And look-- the point--
this is just the latest
in a long line of scandals
involving the House of Lords,
and yet significant reform
still doesn't seem
to be on the cards,
which is crazy.
Britain spends a lot of money
on the House of Lords
and gets
virtually nothing back.
And frankly,
maybe they should take
a lesson from America here,
because when this country
subsidizes the lifestyle
of a horny,
casually r*cist assh*le,
at least we all get
four "Lethal w*apon"
movies out of it.
And now this.
Announcer:
And now...
The Lord Wrigglesworth,
The Lord Phillips
of Worth Matravers,
The Baroness Young
of Old Scone,
The Lord Hennessy
of Nympsfield,
The Baroness Farrington
of Ribbleton,
The Lord Marlesford,
The Baroness Kinnock
of Holyhead,
The Lord Griffiths
of Fforestfach,
The Baroness Liddell
of Coatdyke,
and The Lord Baker
of Dorking.
[cheers, applause]
Moving on.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight
concerns America--
land of the free,
home of the brave,
inventor of Chinese food.
Now, as you know,
America is made up
of 50 states.
As a child, you may have been
forced to learn to sing them
in order.
♪ Alabama and Alaska
♪ Arizona, Arkansas
♪ California, Colorado
♪ Connecticut and more
♪ Kansas, Kentucky,
Louisiana, Maine ♪
♪ Maryland, Massachusetts,
and good old Michigan ♪
♪ Texas, and there's Utah,
Vermont, I'm almost through ♪
♪ Virginia,
and there's Washington ♪
♪ And West Virginia, too
♪ Could Wisconsin be
the last one or is it 49? ♪
♪ No, Wyoming is the last one
in the 50 states that rhyme ♪
That is impressive,
especially because that is
a difficult song.
The British version
is a little simpler.
It goes like this.
♪ England, Scotland,
Northern Ireland ♪
♪ Wales, and now
this song is done ♪
And that's it. That's it.
To be fair, I will say
the song used
to be a lot longer.
But-- But, of course,
the whole American story.
You might remember,
earlier this year,
we talked about US territories
like Puerto Rico and Guam,
but there is one other
US population
which suffers a lack
of representation in DC,
and that's DC itself.
If you've ever visited,
you've probably noticed
their license plates
say "Taxation without
representation."
And that's for
a pretty good reason.
Woman:
Washington, DC, isn't like
your typical city in America.
Congress has the final say
over its budget and laws,
and DC does not
have full representation
on the Hill.
Man: The Chinese pandas
at the National Zoo
have as much right
to representation
in the US Congress
as any resident
in the District of Columbia.
Okay, okay, but to be fair,
that is probably for the best.
We don't need
those pandas participating
in representative democracy.
We need them f*cking,
and we need them
to f*ck a lot,
so don't get squeamish
about this.
They're endangered.
The voting rights of Mei Xiang
and Tian Tian can wait.
Right now,
it's f*ck o'clock,
you weird, biochromatic
raccoons on steroids.
Take a trip
to pound town, pronto.
But look,
you can understand
why many people
in DC are angry.
'Cause think about it.
They pay federal taxes,
and fight in wars,
and yet, have no member
of Congress who is able
to vote on their behalf,
even though
their population is larger
than Vermont and Wyoming,
and their Gross
Domestic Product is higher
than that of 16 states.
And if you're thinking,
"Well, isn't this just how
countries treat
their capitol cities?"
It actually isn't.
We're the only democracy
in the world that does this.
In fact, when the Dalai Lama
came to visit...
...calling it...
And it is not good
when a guy from Tibet says,
"Wow. This situation
is really undemocratic.
"Someone should do
something about it.
Does Richard Gere
know about this?
Someone should tell him."
Now, to be fair, DC does have
a member of Congress,
Eleanor Holmes Norton,
but there are some
strict limits on her powers.
I vote in committee,
but I cannot do that
which every American
would believe
is emblematic
of citizenship.
And that is vote
on the House floor--
vote on whether your taxes
go up or go down.
Vote on whether
you go to w*r or not.
Can't do that.
So, she basically
has pretend power,
like a child watching
"Dora the Explorer."
Oh, yeah. Dora took her map
out of her backpack
because you told her to.
Just keep believing that,
you tiny idiot.
Just grow up.
And for more than two decades,
she's introduced
bill after bill
to grant DC either statehood
or a vote in Congress.
And, by the way, you do
not want to interrupt her
while she's arguing for it.
Someone tried
eight years ago,
and it did not work out
too well for them.
...and gave us home rule.
Man:
Will the gentlewoman yield?
I will not yield, sir!
The District of Columbia
has spent 206 years yielding
to people who would
deny them the vote!
I yield you no ground!
Not during my time!
[man mumbles]
You have had your say,
and your say has been
that you think that the people
who live in your capitol
are not entitled to a vote
in their house!
Shame on you!
Yeah!
That is fantastic.
It's like "Mr. Smith
Goes to Washington,"
except she was already
in Washington and doesn't
have the power to do anything.
At this point,
it might be helpful
to just take a moment
and explain how DC
got into this mess.
Back in the late 1700s,
there was no permanent
US capitol,
it was just
wherever Congress met,
meaning it was
in eight different cities.
But after Congress
was mobbed by veterans
demanding back pay
in the Pennsylvania
Mutiny of 1783,
they decided
they needed an enclave
under their own control.
So, they added a clause
to the Constitution,
which said
that Congress shall
have the power to
"exercise
exclusive legislation
"in all cases whatsoever
over a federal district,"
which is pretty
significant power.
As far as documents
demanding control go,
it's right up there
with the one Christian Grey
asked Anastasia Steele to sign
in "50 Shades of Grey,"
before he-- I don't know--
pinched her butt
or whatever.
I haven't seen it
for obvious reasons.
Jamie Dornan was and remains
hashtag NotMyChristian.
But-- But DC--
DC went under
federal control in 1801,
and it wasn't until the 1960s
that DC's then three-quarters
of a million citizens--
mostly African-American--
were given
even the most basic
electoral rights.
Man: Until 1964,
residents could not even vote
in presidential elections.
It took a constitutional
amendment to bestow
that right.
A few years later,
Congress granted
limited home rule,
allowing DC voters
to elect a mayor
and city council,
but required all legislation,
including the city's budget,
be subject
to congressional approval.
And with that level
of restriction,
the mayor of DC gets
to run the city
the way a student council
president gets to run
her high school.
"Oh, sure, Kelsey,
pick the theme for prom,
"but we'll control the budget,
and 'Eyes Wide Shut'
"is not an acceptable theme.
"We are not having
a repeat of last year.
It was a mess, and it was
surprisingly boring."
Now, to be fair--
to be fair here,
Congress very rarely rejects
DC's decisions outright,
which sounds good.
Unfortunately,
instead they attach
so-called riders
to DC's appropriations bills,
stripping out funding for
things that they don't like.
And given that
DC is a fairly liberal
and diverse city
and Congress is frequently
neither of those things,
over the years, Congress has
repeatedly stepped in
whenever DC is
about to do something
that they might disapprove of.
For example,
just last November,
voted to legalize
possession of marijuana,
and DC's residents were
pretty excited about that.
Man: This strain is a strain
called Mrs. Buttersworth.
It is illegal, what you're
doing right now.
Very much.
It won't be illegal
tomorrow, correct?
That is correct.
What is that like, to come out
of the shadows, as it were?
It's literally--
for me, literally--
coming out of the closet.
I can literally take my tent
out of this closet.
At-- At long last,
my tent can come
out of its closet
and the hydroponic plant
inside it, can proudly say,
"I'm here.
My side effects include
"drowsiness, the desire
to make claws out of Bugles
on your fingertips, and fear.
"Get used to it!
Get used to it!
'Cause I'm here
and I look good!"
But then,
Republicans in Congress
stepped in and passed
a rider forbidding DC
from using their funds
to enact that law.
And if you're wondering
how that squares with
the conservative ethos
of limited government
and states' rights,
well, here is how
one of those congressmen
justified it.
Well, Washington, DC,
is not a state,
and Washington, DC,
has a lot to offer, but...
you know,
free reign on marijuana use?
I just don't buy that.
I just don't think that that's
the way they should operate.
So, states' rights, yes,
but Washington, DC,
is not a state.
You know you have
a weak argument
when you're
clinging to the precise
wording you used.
"Hey, I said I wouldn't f*ck
any other women.
"This is
my squash mate, Gary.
"Having sex
with women, no,
"but Gary is
not a woman.
You stay here, Gary.
Let her leave."
Now, DC managed
to find a loophole
that let them enact
that marijuana law anyway,
but other laws have
not been so lucky.
For nearly a decade,
Congress successfully
blocked DC
from using its own
tax dollars to fund
a needle exchange program
to battle the HIV epidemic.
And one of the men
responsible for that,
Georgia Representative
Bob Barr, explained why.
I would also remind
our colleagues
of a very basic principle.
If you give people the means
to do something
and encourage them to do it,
well, for heaven's sake,
no surprise, they will do it.
Okay, that is just ridiculous.
Because providing clean
needles to drug users
is not the same
as putting out a bowl
of chips at a party.
No one sees
a needle exchange
and thinks,
"Well, I had no intention
of ever taking heroin,
"but seeing
as you've offered,
"you know what?
Don't mind if I do.
How kind.
I don't want to be rude."
But it's a little hard
to hear him object to DC
funding needle exchanges
when you hear
a little fact later mentioned
by one of his colleagues.
I trust that Mr. Barr
is aware
that Georgia has
a needle exchange program?
Yes, Georgia had a needle
exchange program, too.
And what did
Representative Barr think
that theirs was for?
Injecting peach cobbler
intravenously?
"Oh, I couldn't eat
another bite,
"but I sure as shit
ain't done yet.
"Fill me up!
"Let me ride
the peach, y'all.
Let me ride the peach!"
And here's the thing.
There were consequences
to that rider.
In the nine years
that DC was denied
its needle exchanges,
more than 1500
injection-drug users
were diagnosed
with HIV in the District.
And interestingly,
since DC finally funded their
needle exchanges in 2008,
HIV diagnosis linked
to injecting dr*gs
went down by 87%,
because of course they did.
Needle exchanges
are always preferable
to the alternative.
Try and think of needles
as bridesmaid dresses.
Anyone who tells you
you can reuse them
does not have
your best interests at heart.
Just eat the $200
and throw it away, Cheryl.
She screwed you.
She screwed all of the girls.
It seems that Congress
just forces riders on DC
whenever they disapprove
of how they're spending
their own money.
They are treating
more than 600,000 people
right now like children.
And, in case you think
I'm exaggerating,
listen to Florida
Congressman John Mica
explain why DC should
not get full control
over their budget.
Well, when my kids were
young teenagers,
they always wanted
budget autonomy, too.
Man: So, you believe
District Leaders are children?
Is that what you're saying?
They're not ready?
No, but they have matured.
We just don't want regression.
"No, no, I'm not-- No, no, no.
No, no, no, I'm not saying
they're children.
"I'm just saying
they can't be trusted
with money
"until they learn
some responsibility,
"and until then, we should
give them an allowance.
"You know, now that
I'm hearing it out loud,
I am calling them children.
That is-- That is
absolutely what I'm doing."
But the award for the most
depressingly cynical thing
that has ever
been said about DC
actually goes
to our current president,
who, in 2011, avoided
a government shutdown
by striking a deal
with John Boehner
that included prohibiting DC
from spending its own money
on abortions
for low-income women,
saying, and I quote...
And the only time
trading away DC abortion
would be acceptable
is if "DC Abortion" is
a rare 1950s comic book,
and you're getting Marvel's
"The Amazing Mammogram"
in return.
That is it.
Otherwise,
that's not great.
Look, the people of DC
clearly deserve a greater
voice in their own affairs,
and they've actually
come tantalizingly close
to getting a voting
representative in Congress.
In 2009, a bill to give
DC a vote was introduced
in the Senate,
and the Senate did the most
dickish thing imaginable--
passing it
but with a little addition.
Well, you know, they passed
a major hurdle today,
getting this DC voting rights
bill through the Senate
but not without
a highly controversial
amendment attached to it.
This amendment would repeal
all of DC's g*n-control laws.
Oh, she's not kidding.
That amendment
would've repealed
their ban
on semi-a*t*matic weapons,
removed criminal penalties
for unregistered firearms,
and even altered their ability
to enact future
g*n-control legislation.
It was the kind of amendment
NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre
dreams about as he sleeps
in his b*llet-filled bathtub,
I presume.
As a result
of that amendment,
the bill was dropped,
and DC has not been close
to getting a vote since.
And the problem is,
even if they eventually
get one,
Congress could
still add riders to mess
with DC's laws,
and that's why
many Washingtonians
want full statehood.
But that's
probably a long shot,
because last year,
Congress held
its first hearing on DC's
statehood in 21 years,
and the turnout
was not encouraging.
The sad thing was,
only two members--
two senators of that committee
actually showed up
to listen to testimony today.
That's pathetic!
That's pathetic.
Yeah, it was.
Only two turned up.
That's not just
a pathetic attendance
for a hearing on Capitol Hill.
That would be pathetic
for a one-year-old's
birthday party.
Really, Mikey?
Just your mom and dad?
You haven't made
any other friends
in an entire year?
Put yourself
out there, Mikey!
The world is
waiting for you, Mikey.
And look, whether the fix
is a vote or statehood,
something has to happen.
The problem is inertia is
a really powerful force.
And opponents might say,
"Well, we can't grant
DC statehood.
"We'd have to change
the Constitution,"
but we could do that.
The whole point
of amendments is
to fix things
that no longer
make any sense.
It's happened 27 times
and counting.
Others will say,
"Well, hold on, we'd have
to change the flag."
but we could do that.
I mean, sure, it would
look slightly different,
but we've been using
a 51-star flag for this
whole segment
and none of you
have f*cking noticed.
So, you know,
it wouldn't be--
it wouldn't be
a crazy thing.
And yes, yes,
it would probably screw up
the songs that
we learned as children,
but we could
change those, too.
In fact, until DC's
situation is fixed,
we've taken
the liberty of adding
an amendment to that song.
Would you like to hear it,
boys and girls?
[cheering loudly]
Would you like to hear it?
Come on!
Let's go! Let's go!
[piano music playing]
Hey, kids.
Kids: Hi.
How you doing?
Kids: Good!
Do you want to sing
a song about the 50 states
and the inequities
inherent in living
in our nation's capitol?
Kids: Yeah!
Heck, let's do it, shall we?
Okay.
That's great, kids.
Now, be more specific
about the problem.
John: How?
It's true! It's horrifying,
but it's true.
What's a solution,
do you think?
Why not?
[music stops]
That's our show!
Thank you so much
for watching!
Thanks to all the kids!
We'll see you next week!
Good night!
[piano music playing]
02x23 - Washington D.C. voting rights and statehood movement
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.