02x24 - Sex education in the United States

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[theme music playing]

[cheering, applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick
recap of the week,

and we begin
with US politics.

And for much of the week,
everyone was waiting for this.

Announcer: Tonight,
the first debate

with the top 10 candidates
in the polls--

five governors,

three senators,

a neurosurgeon,

and a real estate developer.

Okay, okay.

That is either
an overpacked stage

or the worst season ever
of "Dancing with the Stars."

And I am very much
including the season

when David Hasselhoff
ejaculated a cha-cha-cha.

But let's not
kid ourselves here.

This debate was
only ever going to be
about one person,

and from
the very first question,

he was the focus
of everyone's attention.

Bret Baier: Is there
anyone on stage--

and can I see hands--

who is unwilling tonight
to pledge your support

to the eventual nominee
of the Republican party

and pledge to not run
an independent campaign

against that person?

[audience booing]
Baier: Mr. Trump.

Why is that audience
acting surprised?

That couldn't have been
more of a setup for Trump

if the prompt had been,
"Raise your hand if your daddy

"left you millions of dollars
instead of hugging you."

The entire debate

was basically
a two-hour circus sideshow

with an old piece
of luggage covered
in Cheez Whiz as its center.

And the whole thing
will be quickly forgotten.

In fact, the main
headlines the next day

were nothing to do
with the battle between
the candidates on stage,

but between Donald Trump
and moderator Megyn Kelly,

which culminated in this.

[Trump speaking]

-[audience groaning]
-Whoa! Her "wherever"?

You can only imagine

how talented a lover
Donald Trump must be.

"I'm just gonna
put my thingamajig
in your wherever,

"and I'm gonna waggle it,
I'm gonna waggle it around."

Now, if you want to hear more

on the Trump-Kelly showdown,

you can basically watch
any news network right now,

'cause it's all they're
f*cking talking about.

But we are going to move on,
and I'll tell you why.

This whole debacle
was meaningless.

The 2016 election
will not depend on this,

because it's 457 days away.

There will be actual babies
born on election day 2016,

whose parents
haven't even met yet.

So, everyone pace yourselves,

and let's move on to India.

And honestly, the last time
a British person said that,

we didn't leave
for about 200 years.

Now, India had
some dramatic technological
news this week.

Woman: This man is outraged
after the government in India

banned hundreds
of adult websites.

It's my life. I mean,
what I do inside my room,

the government can't
influence it whatsoever.

The order came
from the telecommunications
department

over the weekend.

It's true. The Indian
government banned 857 URLs,

most of them
porn sites, including--
and these are real--

jizzhut.com, ass-butt.com,

and momhandjob.com.

And if you're a fan
of one of those sites,

it was probably
an emotionally turbulent
day for you.

Although, if you're a fan
of momhandjob.com,

I'm guessing every day is
an emotionally turbulent day.

Now, according
to the Indian government,

the aim was partly to...

But the decision set off
a fiery public debate.

How am I-- in the confines
of my home,

without hurting a third person
or influencing a third person,

how am I causing disruption
to public order?

Well, you might get corrupted
and then become...

I might get corrupted?

...become a sex maniac.

A sex maniac?

That's weirdly prudish,

because India is not
famously repressed about sex.

Remember, this is
the nation that brought us
the "Kama Sutra,"

a sort of mix between sex,
yoga, and a skiing accident.

The ban was actually
lifted just two days later,

but the Indian
government should not
feel bad about giving in,

because if their aim
was to tamp down
their citizens' libidos,

there is no better way
than by allowing full access

to the web sites
they banned, such as--
and again, these are real--

randyhags.com,
oldwomanface.com,

all-free-nude-
old-granny-mature-women-
xxx-porn-pics.com,

and what can only be described
as the penis-haunting,

maturewitch.com.

India... India...

If you want
your population to look
at less pornography,

don't just
unblock these sites,

make them mandatory,

because believe me,
after looking at them,

I never want
to have sex again.

And finally, this week,
we turn to Whole Foods--

gentrification in edible form.

Now, this week,
Whole Foods found itself

in something of
an all-natural, handpicked,
locally grown pickle.

Woman: Those are
st*lks of asparagus

just soaking
in a jar of water,

for sale at
a Whole Foods store

in Los Angeles,
you guys, for $6.

Okay, okay, first,

nobody should be buying
premade asparagus water

when you make it yourself
every time you eat asparagus.

And second, $6?

Water is free,
and a pound of asparagus
from Whole Foods costs $5!

Understandably,
their customers were
not happy about this,

but the store itself
insisted it was just
an honest mistake.

Woman: Whole Foods now
says the drink was supposed

to be water infused
with the essence
of vegetables,

like asparagus,
but was made incorrectly,

and it's been removed.

Yeah, that doesn't sound
any less terrible.

"Oh, we won't just
sell you asparagus st*lks
in a jar of water.

"We take the asparagus
out first and then sell you
the jar of water.

"That way, we can call
the leftover wet asparagus
'artisanally moistened,'

"and sell it
for three times the price.

It's the Whole Foods way."

Also... Also, as an apology--

As an apology,
that rings somewhat hollow,

coming from
a chain that is currently
fighting the accusation

it routinely overcharges
its New York City customers

and whose products
are often as bizarre
as they are expensive,

from egg white chips

to a jar of speciality honey
that costs $79.99!

You know who
I feel sorry for there?

Any bear caught
rampaging through the store.

"What do you mean,
I owe $480?

"I had six jars!
What the f*ck are
you talking about?"

If Whole Foods
really wants to make this
up to their customers,

they're gonna need
a much better apology
than that.

They're gonna need
something like this.

Man: Hi.
We at Whole Foods Market

would like to apologize
for our regrettable
$6 asparagus water.

We take our food seriously,
so we'd like to remind you

of the other
high-quality, definitely
non-ridiculous products

available at Whole Foods,

products like two
baby carrots tied together
with artisanal twine.

Nobody's ever done that
to carrots before,
so it's $35.99

Or try a refreshing
probiotic avocado ice.

It's a block
of ice with an avocado
balanced on top of it.

$25.99.

Or how about trying
a bucket of water

collected from the back
of a cow that got rained on.

That's less than $60.

Or you know what?
f*ck it.

It's more than $60.

And if you come
in today, you can sample

some of our new
in-season arrivals, like...

a single
pomegranate that listened
to NPR this morning,

an old satchel full
of loose yogurt and yams,

or a bunch of granola
that's been blown back
and forth between two fans.

And because you'll buy
anything that seems healthy

or meets some nebulous
definition of "good,"

how about a tilapia
wearing yoga pants?

Or a parsnip
that donated to Kony 2012?

Or some gay grapes?

So, forget that stupid
asparagus water,

and please, come down
to Whole Foods.

Whole Foods...

[cheers, applause]

Moving on.
Our main story tonight

concerns sex education,

the conversation
that animals in zoos refuse
to let you not have.

Now, with some kids going
back to school next week,

it is guaranteed
that, at some point over
the next school year,

you'll hear stories like this.

Woman: Local parents
are outraged tonight

over the pictures
that their children saw

in sex ed class.

Woman 2: Some parents say
that the material,

which includes descriptions
of sex acts and infections,

is simply too graphic
for middle-schoolers.

A father is upset
after his 13-year-old

showed him a poster hanging
on a classroom door,

a poster listing sex acts.

Parental anger over sex ed

is as much a staple
of the school year
as square pizza

and one kid coming back
from summer vacation

with a mustache
he's way too proud of.

That's a ghost
mustache, Lewis.

It looks like a real mustache
died on your face.

So-- So we tried this week

to find out
what sex ed looks like
in America right now,

but that turns out
to be surprisingly
difficult question to answer.

Now, in the past,
depending on how old you are,

sex education may
have been little more
than watching films like this.

Every so often,
I get a strong sex urge,

and the only way
I can take care of it
is to... masturbate.

George, I'm really
pleased that you can
tell me about this.

Perhaps it's
because we've known
each other for so long.

Boy's voice:
My name is Johnny Stanton.

For me, it all started
when I went bowling
with Judy today.

I should've known
something was different

as soon as she got a strike.

[pins clatter]

She's usually
such a rotten bowler.

So, what's so different
about you?

I got my first period today.

So, what's the big deal?

It means that blood is
flowing out of my uterus.

Oh.

What? What?
Okay. Okay.

Okay, first,
that is some
incredible misinformation.

Menstrual blood is not
some sort of uterine HGH

that makes you
amazing at bowling.

And second--
and this is true--

the young man in that video
is Jonathan Banks,

Mike from "Breaking Bad."

And if that video
does not provide

the basis for the prequel
to "Better Call Saul,"

I'm going to be
extremely disappointed.

Teaching sex ed in schools
is really important

for obvious reasons.

No parent wants to talk
to their kids about sex,

and no kid wants to talk
about sex with their parents.

That is why, when you're
watching a movie together
and there's a sex scene,

everyone becomes motionless

and silently begs
for the merciful
release of death.

And kids have good questions

that need good answers.

The "Times"
recently ran an article with
a slideshow of questions

kids wrote on cards
to a sex educator, including,

"Why is the boy's penis
shaped like an arrow?"

"Is it okay to be gay?"

and "How long
do I have to wait
to have sex? I'm excited."

To which, the answers are,

"It's engorged
with blood," "Yes,"

and "Can you at least wait
until the end of class?"

But perhaps the most
poignant question was,

"Will this go well for me?"

Because, after looking into
sex ed programs this week,

the answer depends quite
a bit on where you live.

There is
no required standard
for sex ed in this country.

In fact,
only 22 states mandate
that their kids receive it,

and only 13 require that
the information presented

be medically accurate,
which is crazy.

You wouldn't accept
a history class

not being
historically accurate.

"Prince started the American
Revolution in 1984,

"and his 'Purple Reign'
lasts until the present day.
Class dismissed."

We essentially have
a weird patchwork system

that varies wildly, and not
just from state to state,

but from district
to district, and even
from school to school.

In fact, one Ohio newscast

tried to find out what kids
in their area were learning

and hit a brick wall.

The state has no--
absolutely none--

sex ed guidelines,

so each district decides
what's best for whatever kid.

Many school districts
don't want to talk
about it at all.

UC students polled
every school district

in four southwest
Ohio counties.

The majority wouldn't
tell us what they teach
and when they teach it,

even though all
of this is supposed
to be public information.

And that's really not good,

because two teenagers
shouldn't have completely
different levels of sex ed

just because
they're in two different
school districts.

"Tonight's football game is
between Lakewood High
and Middletown High.

"Not only are
they bitter rivals,

"one of those teams has
no idea what a diaphragm is!

"Let's play ball!
Let's play ball!"

But while it is hard
to find out what kids
are learning,

in some cases,
it is possible to find out
what they are not learning.

For instance,
in Mississippi,

while you can talk
about contraceptives,

the law prohibits condom
demonstrations in class.

That means no condom
on a banana,

no condom on a cucumber,

no condom on a zucchini.

And that's terrible,
partly because

it's fun putting
condoms on produce.

But mainly because
Mississippi ranked #2

in the country
in teen pregnancy rates.

Now, thankfully,
this situation has inspired

some creative alternatives.

Watch this former teacher
describe how to use a condom

without directly
using a condom.

I start with a sock,

and I'm gonna
pinch out the air

out of the tip of the sock,

'cause I wanna make sure
that there's room for my toes

when I'm engaging
in shoe activity.

Then I take the sock
and put it on top of my foot.

You wanna take your sock,

and you wanna roll it
all the way down your foot.

You wanna roll it all
the way down your foot,

and then you can put it
inside your shoe.

That is very clever.
That's very clever,

although--
although, that's--

It's not perfect.
If you can't get a sock
out of the packaging,

you don't then lose
your foot for a minute

and need to think
of Rihanna to get it back.

But-- It's back.

But Mississippi's
restrictions are just
the beginning here.

In eight states,
there are laws
considerably limiting

what teachers can say
about h*m*
to their students,

meaning the answer
to that kid's question,
"Is it okay to be gay?"

could be a shrug
or a lot worse.

And Utah's law
prohibits any instruction

in the intricacies
of intercourse

for reasons that one
state legislator explained.

Those are the things
we do not want

to be taught in our schools.

Those are things that should
be taught in your home.

Wait. "Taught in your home"?

Here is an exchange
that has never happened.

"How are you so good at sex?"

"I was home-schooled."

And-- And--
And in certain districts
around the country,

the only sex ed you might
receive is abstinence-only,

which you may think of
as a relic of the past,

but it is still
very much around.

Congress recently
increased federal funding

for abstinence-only education

from about $50
to $75 million
per year,

and at least
part of that money
gets matched by the states,

which means that students
are still being exposed

to abstinence-centered
programs,

but with names like WAIT,

which stands for
"Why Am I Tempted?"

Go APE, or "Abstinence
Protects Everyone,"

and "No Screwin' Around,"

which I presume
stands for...

And... here is a taste

of a video
from that last program.

If you have sex,

outside of one
permanent monogamous--

and monogamy does
not mean one at a time--

that means one partner
who has only been with you.

You have sex
outside of that context,
and you will pay.

Boys, if there's a girl
throwing herself at you,

if she's the one
pressuring you for sex,

if this is a girl that's
dressing in that manner

that's saying not only to you,
but the rest of the world,
"Take me now,"

I got a little word
of advice for you:

Run from this girl. Run!

I did not say
walk away slowly.
I said run from her!

"In fact, don't even
bother running, boys,

"just cut your dicks off.

"Girls are snake charmers,

"and it's time
to m*rder your snakes.

"m*rder them now.
Do it! Do it!"

And look, abstinence is
a healthy choice

that many teens will make,
either by choice

or, as I can attest,
by circumstance.

But-- But that's
not the point.

That's not the point.
It should not be

the only thing you teach,

and not just
because many studies
question its efficacy.

The fact is,
according to the CDC,

most Americans have more
than one sexual partner
in their lifetime,

and the average age
at which people
begin having sex

is around 17.

So, just saying,
"Don't do it,"

is not practical.

And even when
they do teach sex ed,

schools can teach it
with a strong bias.

We found a company
which offers schools

two versions
of the same video
on contraception.

Version "B" is labeled
as being nonjudgmental.

Take a look.

Look, no one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

♪
You have to face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is
probably more important

than the one
you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

Some of you may
already be sexually active.

But still, a lot of you
are not having sex yet.

You could be
waiting for marriage,
the right person,

or maybe you're
just not ready
to take on

this very serious
responsibility
right now.

Cool.

[laughter]

Folks, those--
those 30-year-old actors

dressed like teenagers
from the '90s make some
very good points.

However--
However, version "A,"

which is non-nonjudgmental,

goes in a slightly
different direction.

See if you can spot it.

Look, no one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

♪
You have to face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is
probably more important

than the one
you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

As a teenager, you're expected
to wait until you're married

before you become
sexually active.

Until then, abstinence
is the only option
that's acceptable

to your family, your school,
and your community.

Whoa. Hold on.

Why did they even
keep the first part

about it being
a decision at all?

They should've
just said, "No decision
is more nonexistent

"than the one you don't
get to make about sex.

"Also, remember, God is
watching you masturbate,

"and the fluids coming out
of your genitals are
actually His tears.

You're making Him sad."

But the very fact

two videos
with the same title

but very different
messages exist

shows just how hard it can be

to find out what's going on
with sex ed where you live.

And this is
not even accounting

for guest speakers
that schools can bring in
to augment their program.

Remember the woman
from "No Screwin' Around"?

That's Pam Stenzel,
and her web site claims

she speaks to half a million
young people each year,

presumably like this.

Here's the line over
which you can't step.

[emphatically]
Absolutely no
genital contact

of any kind.

That's hand to genital,

mouth to genital,
genital to genital.

Oral sex, which is
mouth to genital, is sex!

And if you have ever
stepped over this line,

you've risked disease,
and you need to get tested,

and don't you dare--

don't you dare tell anyone
you're a virgin!

Why-- Why are you
trying to yell

the horniness
out of teenagers?

[laughter]

Programs like hers are
so relentlessly anti-sex,

you could easily come away
thinking the adult world

is just an endless barrage
of unwanted dicks,

which, incidentally,
was the original slogan
for Tinder.

But the problem is...

[cheers, applause]

The problem is,
Stenzel is not alone.

Shelly Donahue
currently speaks at schools
around the country.

She likes to show
the dangers of more
than one sexual partner

by describing women
as a piece of tape,

and then sticking the tape
to the arms of multiple boys

until this happens.

How many partners do we have

before we get married
on average in America?

Six, yeah.

So, can you imagine
what's going to start
to happen to the tape?

It's going to lose
its bonding power.

Her point is,

the tape is used so much,
it becomes damaged,

which doesn't even consider
the possibility that the tape

might be perfectly happy
and have had a good time,

or that maybe some guys

like tape that
already knows how to stick
when they meet them.

But this idea

that sex is something
which devalues those
who've had it--

particularly women--
crops up again and again.

Non-virgins can be likened
to a used toothbrush

or a chewed-up
piece of gum.

And then, there is this video

in which a non-virgin
on her wedding night is
compared to a dirty shoe.

Michelle, what are these?

My sneakers.

Michelle, what is this? This--

It looks like
the entire football team
has been in these things.

I mean--
I made 'em all
wear socks.

Socks? But, you know,
socks don't protect my heart.

You can still get
foot fungus with socks.

I wish I could
go back in time

and make a commitment
to be abstinent
until marriage.

That is heartbreaking,

and not just because
he's shaming his wife,

but because "Michelle,
socks don't protect my heart"

might be the funniest line
ever delivered on this show,

and we didn't write it.

And that kind of message
can be hugely damaging

to anyone who hears it,

especially survivors
of sexual as*ault,

like Elizabeth Smart,

who was kidnapped
and assaulted
at the age of 14,

and you may recognize
one of the metaphors

she remembers
one of her teachers using.

She said, "Imagine you're
a stick of gum,

"and...

"when you engage in sex,
that's like getting chewed.

"And then, if you do that
lots of times, you're gonna
become an old piece of gum,

"and who's going
to want you after that?"

Well, that's...
terrible, but...

nobody should ever say that.

But, for me,
I thought, "Oh, my gosh,

"I'm that chewed-up
piece of gum!"

Learning nothing
would've been better
than learning that.

It's not a great reflection
on her teacher

that kids who were
sick that day got a better
education than she did.

And the sad thing is,
sex ed, when done well,
can do so much good.

But when it's done badly,
it can do real harm.

Take consent.

A recent survey found
college students were confused
about certain aspects of it.

For instance, when asked
whether another person

undressing,
getting a condom,
or nodding

established consent
for more sexual activity,

at least 40% said yes

and at least 40% said no.

And that ambiguity
is a problem,

because sex is
like boxing.

If both people didn't
fully agree to participate,

one of them is
committing a crime.

And abstinence-heavy
messages do not help this.

They spend so much time
on the importance
of saying no,

they can leave out
what informed, enthusiastic
consent looks like,

or, even worse,
suggest that it's all
one party's responsibility,

like in this video
from a program
called "Sex Smart"

about fending off
unwanted advances.

Maybe we should have sex,
you know, to prove our love
for each other.

Do you really think
we're ready?

Boy's voice: Yeah, I'm ready.

Girl's voice: Oops!
That didn't work.

[rewinds]
...for each other.

No.

Boy's voice:
Does that mean no or yes?

Girl's voice: One more try.

This time,
say it like you mean it.

[rewinds]
...for each other.

No way.

Girl's voice: Finally!
Hmm.

Maybe we should
just get to the concert.

Wait, wait.

They were already late
for a concert,

but he felt there was
still time to have sex?

That is a teenage boy
with a very accurate
sense of his abilities.

But much-- much more
to the point here--

much more to the point,
it's good that that girl

was being taught that
she has the power to say no.

But nowhere in the video
do they point out that

that guy should have been
a lot better at hearing it.

And it is weird to gloss over
something so appalling.

It's like
that moment in "Grease"
when Kenickie sang,

"Tell me more, tell me more.
Did she put up a fight?"

That's the point
they should've stopped
the whole song and gone,

"Wait. What?
What the f*ck
did you just say?

"What is wrong
with you, Kenickie?

"What is wrong--
You're a monster!

"And you look 40!"

And when kids
graduate high school

without a full
understanding of consent,

you are abetting
an already troubling culture

where a bunch of frat guys
can march around Yale

feeling completely comfortable
yelling out this.

[men chanting]

Just a quick reminder there--

Yale's acceptance
rate is 6.3%,

so who the f*ck are
they turning down?

I would hate
to hear their chants.

And the problem is, that is
not an isolated incident.

Last year, fraternities
at both Texas Tech and LSU

were caught using
the same slogan.

It's become
something you hear
on college campuses

as often as, "I'm thinking
of switching majors,"

or "Why is
James Franco here?"

And here is the thing.

There is no way

we'd allow any other
academic program

to consistently fail
to prepare students
for life after school.

And human sexuality,
unlike calculus,

is something you actually
need to know about

for the rest of your life.

And maybe you and your family
live somewhere that has
good sex ed,

in which case,
congratulations.

But if you don't,
this video is for you.

[pop music playing]

Look, no one ever said
being a teenager is easy.

You have to face a lot
of important decisions.

But no decision is
probably more important...

Than the one
you'll make about
becoming sexually active.

And if you do,
there's a few things
you should definitely know.

This is a penis.

This is a vag*na.

This is a mouth.

This is a hand.

And this is a butt.

Megan Mullally:
You can mix as many of these
as you feel comfortable with.

Hand and mouth would
be weird, but you could.

This is the clitoris.

And these are the testicles.

They make sperm.
That's pretty much it.

If you want to be
abstinent, that's fine.

If you don't want
to be abstinent,
that's also fine.

Abstinence is like
being a vegetarian.

People should
respect your choice.

Some people might
make fun of you.

Those people are assholes.

The best safeguard
against STDs is protection.

Unless you already
have an STD,

in which case
you're gonna need medicine
or some shit, I don't know.

Fun fact!

Megan: The ancient Egyptians
put crocodile dung
mixed with honey

inside a vag*na
to prevent pregnancy.

They're all dead now.

Here's how you put
a condom on a banana.

Well, this is
a lot less curvy
than I'm used to.

[audience laughs, applauds]

This is an IUD.

An IUD goes inside
a woman's body and prevents
pregnancy from taking place.

They can stay inside you
for up to 10 years...

Which is a lot,
considering most guys
in high school

can only stay inside you
for a minute or two, tops.

Am I right?

Here's a bunch
of other forms
of birth control.

Google them!

This is actually simple.
If someone doesn't want
to have sex with you,

don't have sex with them.

If you think you might
be able to persuade
someone to have sex,

even though
they don't want to, don't.

So, if you're not sure
if someone wants to have
sex with you, ask.

Even if you're
kind of sure, still ask.

If someone is pretty drunk,
they might not be able
to give consent.

And remember,
you can always say no.

Even halfway through,
you can say no.

If someone wants you
to do a sex thing
you're not comfortable with,

you have the right to refuse.

Say, "I don't care if it's
your birthday, Rebecca!

"I don't want you to put
your finger in my butt!

"Okay? It's time we do
some talking about this."

Real quick,
a couple of final things.

"Most people will get HPV"
is both technically true...

And what you tend
to hear right before
someone gives you HPV.

If you call it a "hooha,"
you are not ready for sex.

Lube is your friend,
believe me.

If you get a chance
to have sex with this man,

go for it.

The best safeword
is "hootenanny."

A woman who's had sex
is not like a dirty shoe.

A woman who's had sex is
a like a shoe with laces.

Completely f*cking normal.

And finally,
and this is important,

if anyone ever tells you
that getting your period

makes you better
at bowling,

they're a f*cking idiot.

♪
[cheering, applause]

That's our show.
Thank you so much
for watching.

We'll see you next week!
Good night!

The best safeword
is "apples."

"Spinach quiche."

"Beef carpaccio."

"Supercalifragilistic-
expiali-no-cious."