02x26 - LGBT rights in the United States

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[cheers, applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

Thank you
so much for joining us.

I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick
recap of the week,

and we begin in North Korea,

named "Best Korea"
for 70 years running
by "North Korea Magazine."

This has been
a particularly tense week

on North Korea's
southern border.

Woman: New pictures
to share with you.

The North Korean military
seemingly standing by--

See it there?
--ready to attack
South Korea

if given that word.

Holy shit.
So, if given the word,

North and South Korea
could be at w*r.

And interestingly,
that word-- Kookamunga.

You cannot say
Kim Jong-un does not
have a sense of humor.

You can't say it.

Now, both sides
have exchanged fire
across the DMZ,

and the South has been
employing an unusual w*apon.

[man speaking Korean
over loudspeaker]

Woman: South Korean
loudspeakers blaring criticism

of North Korean leader
Kim Jong-un's regime.

The North has told
the South to turn it down

or face more military action.

Look. Look, North Korea,

If your neighbor is
blasting horrible noise
at all hours of the day,

you do not
retaliate with w*r.

You wait until
the next morning and you leave
a passive-aggressive note.

There is an etiquette
for how we handle this stuff.

Now, the speakers have
been blasting not just news
about Kim Jong-un,

but also-- and this is true--
South Korean pop music.

Now, they haven't said
exactly what music
they've been playing,

but I hope it's some
of the better K-pop stuff.

I'm talking "Seoulight"
by Neon Bunny,

basically anything
by Uhm Jung Hwa,

Jo Sung Mo's early stuff,

or maybe TVXQ--
of course, before
Hero Jaejoong left,

'cause I think
we all know that after that,

the whole band's sound
went to shit.

I didn't need
to Google any of that.

That was all up here
and in here.

The two sides--
The two sides are
currently still negotiating,

and, look, we can only hope
that things calm down.

Nobody wants North Korea
firing a nuclear w*apon.

And heaven help us all

if South Korea chooses
to play this.

♪ Who likes to party?

♪ Yeah

♪ Girls got me rockin' down

♪ Who likes to party?

[laughter]

That-- That was a hit
by Hwang Min-Woo.

And please, South Korea,
do not play that through
your speakers,

because that's not just
a declaration of w*r,

that's basically
sarin gas with backbeat
and an Auto-Tune.

So, let's move on
to Russia,

the prequel and sequel
to the Soviet Union.

Over the years,
Vladimir Putin has launched
assaults on many things,

from Ukraine
to the concept of shirts

to unrubbed
puppy dog tummies.

That is real, and it is
the most likable photo
Putin has ever taken,

and also
the most unlikable photo
that dog has ever taken.

Now recently,
Putin has been focusing
on a new target.

Russian President
Vladimir Putin

has declared a w*r...
on cheese.

After he issued
a presidential decree,

a mound of it was destroyed
by a bulldozer.

Authorities also incinerated
giant loads of bacon

and destroyed peaches
and tomatoes.

In all, hundreds
of tons of food

have been eliminated
recently in Russia.

Okay, that's terrible.

That is a level
of food destruction
not seen in Russia

since the 18th century reign

of Gallagher
the Terrible.

And he was
merciless.
Merciless.

Let me explain.

Putin has banned the import
of much Western food

in response to sanctions
over his behavior in Ukraine,

and he's clamping down
on any contraband

with no target too small.

Man: Last week, officials
in the village of Apastovo

flattened three frozen geese
from a local shop.

Now, on one hand,
it is shocking to see

that kind
of massive food waste.

But on the other hand,
geese can go f*ck themselves.

And I'll tell you why.
And I'll tell you why.

They are just assh*le ducks
who got really into CrossFit,

and they deserve
to be crushed with a t*nk.

I do not want
to argue about this.

We're not arguing.

Now, interestingly,

while importing certain
Western products is a crime,

they can still show up
in stores, which is why

some Russian groups
are now using stickers

to warn people away
from any Western products.

This one says...
[speaks Russian]

"sanctioned products,"
and it has a picture

of the Stars and Stripes
of the United States,

the golden stars
of the European Union,

and standing
in front of them,
a Russian bear.

Russia,
that is ridiculous,

and I'll tell you why.
Because putting bears on food,

does not make people
buy that food less.

It makes them buy it more.

Most of us only buy
honey so we can give
a tiny bear a squeeze.

[laughter]

But unsurprisingly,
with the Russian economy
struggling at the moment,

this destruction
of food has not been
universally popular.

[speaking Russian]

Translator: I believe
it is possible to find

a better use for food,
rather than just burn it.

It would be better
to use it as humanitarian aid,

to collect it and send it
to those who need food.

Exactly. Somebody needs
to tell Putin

that destroying food
by making it inedible

does not make you
a strong leader,

it makes you Guy Fieri.

So, just stop it.
Just stop it.

And finally--
finally this week,

we turn to Greece,
the home of geniuses
like Socrates, Aristotle,

and this guy in Mykonos
with an elephant trunk thong
on his d*ck.

It's a vibrant country.

This has been a crazy year

for Greek Prime Minister
Alexis Tsipras.

He was elected
in January, promising to end
harsh austerity measures

but then capitulated
in negotiations with
European banks

and agreed to extend them--
an idea that was so unpopular,

even he himself tried
to distance himself from it

when selling
the measures to parliament.

Translator: I will admit
that the measures

we are tabling are harsh,
and I don't agree with them.

I don't believe they will
help the Greek economy,

and I say so openly,
but I also say that I must
implement them.

That is not
an inspirational tone to set.

You did not hear FDR selling
the New Deal by saying,

"Look, everyone,
is this gonna work?
Who the f*ck knows?

"Probably not,
but it's definitely better

"than me taking
a shit in a typewriter,

"and that was
my only other idea,

"so we're doing it.
We're doing this now."

Because of this,
Tsipras has been
losing support,

even within his own party,
and on Thursday he made
a surprise announcement.

Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras

announced today
he's resigning,

He says he has a moral duty

to allow the Greek people
to judge his brief

and tumultuous time
as leader at the polls.

So, another election?

You just had one
in January,

You're running
a government, Greece,

not producing
seasons of "The Voice."

Oh, so Sawyer Fredricks
is The Voice now?

I was just getting used
to Craig Wayne Boyd
as The Voice.

You're moving too fast, NBC!

Give me one The Voice
at a time!

Now, resigning just
seven months into office,

might seem like
a sign of weakness,

but some actually argue

this is
a politically savvy move.

Man: Tsipras has
decided to go straight
to the nation

in an attempt
to silence his rebels
and renew his mandate,

and it could work.
He'll be asking
the Greek people,

to re-elect him
before the effects

of the new
bailout measures
are truly felt.

Oh, that is brilliant.

Ask to be re-elected now
so that voters will be
stuck with you

by the time they realize
how terrible you've just
made their lives.

Congratulations, Tsipras,
you've just pulled off
the electoral equivalent

of a Tom Cruise
marriage proposal.

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes." "Great,
now that you've agreed

"we'll be together forever,

"let's discuss how
Earth was colonized

"with alien spirits


"by the dictator
of a galactic confederacy.

"You said yes.
You said yes."

And now this.

♪
[announcer speaks]

Woman on phone: When you
want to vote Republican,

you take a chicken
to the doctor,

put an aspirin between
your knees,

and pray for the country.
Okay.

Man: Obama's an idiot.

The only thing that Obama's
got going for him

is that he's got a bunch
of idiots that listen to him

and believe his same old
n*zi commie crap.

Woman: We've got to stand up
and say "Enough of this crap."

Woman 2: You know,
it's just a bunch of crap.

Man 2: Bunch of crap,
if you ask me.

Man 3: Just a bunch
of leftist garbage.

Man 4: The Democrats
included are scum.

Pleasant scum,
but scum nevertheless.

Good morning.
Man 5: Hi, am I on the air?

You sure are.
f*ck!

We'll go to Greg
in Spruce Pine,
North Carolina.

Moving on, moving on.
Our main story tonight

concerns progress.

It's the reason that
your grandparents' views are
better not spoken in public.

"Oh, why did I bring you

"to 'Straight Outta
Compton,' Papa?

"This is partly on me."

In the recent Republican
presidential debate,

there was a genuinely
encouraging sign,

because the subject
of gay marriage came up,

and presidential
candidate John Kasich
responded like this.

Guess what? I just went
to a wedding

of a friend of mine
who happens to be gay.

Because somebody doesn't
think the way I do,
[applause]

doesn't mean that I can't care
about them or can't love them.

Wow! A gay wedding

just got applause
at a Republican debate.

Add that to the list of things

that would've been
unthinkable in 2004,

like the phrase,
"Academy Award Winner
Matthew McConaughey."

People would've said
you were insane.

And look,
it's not just Kasich.

Jeb Bush, Rick Perry,
Bobby Jindal, and Marco Rubio

have all said
they would attend
a gay wedding if invited,

which I can only imagine
is terrible news

for any of their
gay acquaintances

who invited them
only on the assumption that
they would decline to attend

and send a very expensive
gift instead.

"Well, I didn't think
he would say yes,
did I, Mark?"

"Now, which of your
friends wants to sit
with Bobby Jindal?

"Yes, your friends.
I like my friends."

Although-- look,
not all of the candidates
have been quite so clear.

Governor Scott Walker,
for instance,

had a much more
squirrelly response.

Would you attend
a gay wedding?

Well, in terms of--

that's certainly
a personal issue

for a family member--

Tonette and I,
our family already had

a family member
who's had a reception.

I haven't been
at a wedding, but--

That's true even though
my position on marriage

is still that it's defined
between a man and a woman,

and I support the Constitution
of the state.

But for someone I love,
we've been at a reception.

What? It--

It's a yes or no question.

How the hell did you respond
on the RSVP card

when it asked
if you wanted chicken or fish?

"Well, that's certainly
a personal question...

"for dinner.

"Tonette and I
already had chicken.

"It was at a restaurant,
not our home,

"last week I believe.
I haven't had fish
recently, though.

"I still believe
it is certainly a meal,
which is my position.

"Although,
according to the menu,

"there is also maybe
a vegetarian option.

"So, to answer
your question,

"I have eaten chicken
in the past, yes.

"Yes."

But-- Look, look,

while the idea
of a gay wedding is
increasingly widely accepted,

it is worth noting
that there are still
a number of surprising ways

to ruin a gay honeymoon.

Today, in most states
an LGBT person

can get married on Saturday,

post photos of their wedding
on Sunday,

and to get fired
from their job

or thrown out
of their apartment on Monday

just because of who they are.

Okay, that's clearly terrible.

The only possible reason
you should be fired
from your job

after your wedding
is if your theme was
stolen office supplies.

That's the only
logical reason.

But it-- it is true

that discriminating
against gay people

is surprisingly legal
in much of the country.

The fact is, in 31 states,

people are at risk
of being fired, evicted,

or refused service just
because they're gay.

So, while federal law
may guarantee

a gay couple's right
to get married,

it offers exactly
zero guarantees

about their right
to do the things
that normally follow that,

like signing a lease
on an apartment
they can't afford,

or conducting
tense discussions
about finances

in the brightly lit
tapas restaurant
of their choosing,

or marching
into any bank and applying
for a small business loan

to get Brenda's stupid
cupcakes-for-dogs idea
off the ground.

Brenda, all cupcakes
are cupcakes for dogs!

They eat
their own shit, Brenda,

which is just as well,
'cause your cupcakes
are terrible.

They're terrible, B!

[laughter]

And, look, if you
are surprised by this,

don't worry.
You're not alone.

A 2013 poll showed
that nearly 70% of people

thought it was illegal
under federal law

for someone to be fired
for being gay.

People believe it
because it feels like
it should be true.

It's optimistic
but wrong,

like thinking
vertical stripes
are flattering

or making your first
condom purchase Magnums.

Optimistic,
but statistically wrong.

And there are plenty
of recent real-life examples

of discrimination happening.

Just look at Collin Dewberry
and Kelly Williams,

a Texas couple
who made the mistake

of visiting a restaurant
called Big Earl's,

where their waitress had
something to say to them.

She said that
"We don't serve"--

Umm, can I say--
"fags here.

"We don't serve fags here."

Woman: Then the waitress
continued, they say.

Collin: "Here at Big Earl's,
we like for men
to act like men,

"and for ladies
to act like ladies."

And it was just
so nonchalantly,

almost like she was reading
a piece of paper.

Woman: Well, she was.
That phrase is posted

on the front door
of the restaurant.

Man:
She's a young lady,
didn't know what else to say,

and they just kept on--

She finally said--
and she said,

"We just don't like fags."

Okay, that is
obviously appalling,

and also, someone might
want to tell Big Earl

that having a sign saying,
"where men act like men"

is actually the single
gayest thing imaginable.

So, that's an example
of recent discrimination

regarding
public accommodation.

For discrimination
in the workplace,

take the case
of Casey Stegall,

a gay man
employed as a children's

social services worker,
also in Texas.

His fiancé showed up
to help him one day

because he was
overseeing a field trip
and wanted assistance.

And the next thing he knew,
this happened.

Well, later in that week,

I got a text message
from the president

of Children's Home,

saying I needed to come
meet with him.

And then told me,
because of my
lifestyle choices,

he didn't feel comfortable
having me on his team anymore.

For the record,
being gay is clearly
not a lifestyle choice.

A lifestyle choice
is when a man gets
obnoxiously into jazz

or goes on an Atkins diet

and starts a food blog
called "Protein Wolf."

Both of which you should
actually be fired for,

but that's not
what we're talking
about here tonight.

The fact is,
this kind of discrimination
can have ripple effects,

like when
this Michigan couple
had their pediatrician

refuse to treat
their baby just because
they were lesbians,

which, as they point out,
is crazy.

We're not your patient.
She's your patient.

And the fact that you can't--

your job is to keep
babies healthy,

and you can't keep
a baby healthy

that has gay parents?

Exactly, but to be fair,

no one can keep
any baby healthy,

regardless of the parents.

Babies are
fleshy bacteria magnets.

They're basically
vomit volcanoes.

They're going to get sick,
and they're going
to make you sick.

That's just a fact.

But it is amazing
that any of those stories

are taking place
in this day and age.

I'm not saying that this
is the case everywhere.

Some states and cities
do have good protections,

and I suppose we could wait
for every state to catch up,

but there are certain issues
too important to be
left to the states,

specifically civil rights
and state birds.

You chose the scissor-tailed
flycatcher, Oklahoma?

Are you f*cking
kidding me?

How do you not go
with the eastern phoebe?

That bird is
a pure-winged majesty,

but you went
and chose a piece
of garbage with a beak?

It looks like it fell out
of Miranda July's hair!

That's a shit bird,
Oklahoma!

Shame on you!
You're on the wrong
side of history!

[laughter]

Anyway, the point is,

states have
a checkered history

when it comes
to civil rights.

Just look
at Arkansas right now.

Not only do they not have any
antidiscrimination ordinances,

earlier this year,
they actually passed

an anti-antidiscrimination
ordinance

that prevents
any city or county

from extending
civil rights protections
to gay people.

Here's a sponsor
of that law explaining why.

I want to be treated equal,
just like I want

someone from the "LBGD"
community to be treated equal.

I want to be fair to them,
and I want to be fair to me.

They shouldn't get
more rights than I do,

and I shouldn't get
more rights than them.

What are you talking about?

This is not
about "special rights."

We're not creating
"lesbians only" sections
on airplanes

or putting up signs
at Six Flags saying...

This is just
basic equality.

That's all it is.

Now, there have been
some positive moves
at the federal level.

Just last month,
the EEOC ruled

the Civil Rights Act
applies to LGB workers.

And a year ago,
the president added
LGBT protections

for federal contractors.
All of which is great,

but those protections
could be undone
by his successor.

And it's worth noting, two
of the Republican governors
running for president

actually
weakened their states'
nondiscrimination policies.

Bobby Jindal let
an executive order expire,

and John Kasich kept his

but removed
the protections

for transgender workers
for some reason.

And it must be strange
to live in a state

and see progress
actually move backwards.

It would be like if Apple
suddenly introduced

the iPhone 7,
and it was a flip phone.

No, sure,
that's still not as dumb
as the Apple Watch,

but it's dumb.

Not that dumb,
but dumb.

Now, the main argument
against extending
these protections

is that it might infringe
on religious freedom,

forcing people
to act against

their religious beliefs,
hence the rise

of Religious Freedom
Restoration Acts

around the country.
And religious freedom

is not an inherently
bad thing.

I'm not just saying that
'cause I'm the current

mega-reverend of Our Lady
of Perpetual Exemption,

[cheering]
Praise be. Praise be.

Praise be unto you.

This is not--
This is not about me.

We allow for religious freedom
in limited, sensible ways
all the time.

It's why Muslims
can wear a hijab in
their driver's license photo,

and why devout Christians
can't be forced to work
on the Sabbath.

But there are
reasonable limits to it.

And we've all
heard it mistakenly cited
in stories like this.

Man: Colorado baker
Jack Phillips estimates

he's made 5,000 wedding cakes

since he opened his shop,
Masterpiece Cakes,


A deeply religious man,
Jack Phillips says he'll bake

birthday cakes, cupcakes,

and a variety
of other sweets
for same-sex couples,

just not a wedding cake.

I actually feel like I'm
taking part in the wedding.

Part of me goes
to the reception.

[laughter]

Part of you goes
to the reception?

I have a horrifying sense
what that might mean.

[mimics Jack]
In a way, I've been
married 5,000 times.

In another way,
I cum in the cake.

[laughter, applause]

[normal voice]
That baker denied service

to a gay couple in 2012,

citing his belief
that providing them
with a wedding cake

would offend his definition
of traditional marriage.

But that's
a little hard to square

with the fact
that he allegedly
had no problem

providing a cake
for a wedding
between two dogs.

And, look, those dogs
may lick their own balls,

but I'm sure
even they are now regretting

ordering a vanilla cum cake
from the ejaculating baker
of Colorado.

But the bigger flaw
in his argument

is his understanding
of how the law works.

The Constitution guarantees
me the right

to... practice my faith,

my religion,
anywhere, anytime.

There are
no restrictions on that.

It also gives me
the right to free speech

anytime, anywhere.

Except it doesn't, though.

Courts have already
decided there are limits
on religious freedom.

For example,
they found that you can't
discriminate on race

based on your
religious beliefs.

And there are
limits on free speech.

You can't yell, "Fire!"
in a crowded theater.

The Constitution
isn't the star in
Super Mario Brothers.

It doesn't
make you invincible

so you can just do
whatever the f*ck you want.

Now, just so you know,
that baker lost his case,

because Colorado happens
to be one of the states

that has a law
banning discrimination
based on sexual orientation.

And when states
have those laws--

even states
with religious freedom acts--

cases do now tend
to go gay people's way,

which is good.
The problem is

there are still
way too many states

that don't have
antidiscrimination
laws at all.

So, maybe it's time
we just fix all of this,

nationwide, in one go.

And interestingly,
there is something called

the Equality Act
in Congress right now

which adds LGBT protections
to the Civil Rights Act,

the Fair Housing Act,
and several others.

It has over 200 cosponsors
in the House and Senate.

Unfortunately,
precisely zero of them
are Republican,

which is genuinely
difficult to do.

For instance,
there's an actual bill
that just designated

September the 25th
as National Lobster Day.

Even that had
two Republican cosponsors.

And, look, I'm not saying
lobsters don't deserve

recognition from
our government,

because they absolutely do.

Although, do they?

That's not the point, though.
That's not the point.

The point is,
this bill represents

the bare minimum of not
being discriminated against,

and this should be what
represents the threshold
of true gay tolerance,

not whether
or not you would consider
attending a gay wedding.

So, we actually
reached out to every
single presidential candidate

from both parties
and asked them...

It's not
a complicated question.

It's a long question, yes,

but it's not
a complicated one.

But only four campaigns
got back to us.

Lincoln Chafee
and Martin O'Malley
said yes, they would,

but to be honest, I think
they were just happy anyone
had asked them anything.

So, discount that.

Bernie Sanders
also said he would,

and a spokesman
for Rand Paul said--
and this is true--

Okay. You're welcome.

Everyone else is presumably
still thinking about it.

But why?
We reached out on Thursday

and it should not
take that long to work out
the answer to

"Should gay people
be discriminated against?"

It's just "no."
That's it.

'Cause it is long past time
that gay people have

the same rights
that straight people have,

namely to be fired
because they're being
replaced by a computer,

to be denied service
at a restaurant

because they're
neither wealthy-looking
nor attractive,

and more specifically,
to have a wedding cake
but not eat it

because they suspect
a strange man may,
for some reason,

have ejaculated into it.

[grunts]

And now this.

♪
[announcer speaking]

Next we'll go to

Susan in Boston.
Good morning, Susan.

We'll tr-- Okay, we'll try...

We'll try Marge
in Peoria, Illinois.

Marge, good morning.

Woman: Good morning.
You're on the air.

Go ahead, you're
on the air, Marge.

Woman: Okay.

This is Susan that was
on the air.

[laughs] Okay.
Susan, please go ahead.

This is Marge now.

Okay, I'm gonna...

And finally, tonight,

you might remember
last week,

we discussed
the prosperity gospel
and seed faiths,

specifically how
some preachers use it

to extract money
from the vulnerable.

We then launched
our own church,

Our Lady
of Perpetual Exemption,

[cheering]
and asked you--
Praise be.

Praise be.
Praise be. Praise be.

And we asked you to send us
money at this address.

And to be honest,
slightly more of you responded

than we were expecting.

And before I show you
just how many,

let me stop,
because I firmly believe
in the separation

of church and show.

So, I'm going
to hand over now
to Pastor John Oliver,

mega-reverend and CEO.

So, please, at home,
bow, kneel, sit, stand,

or whatever the f*ck
it is our church does,

and let us all together,
once again, go to church.

♪

Brothers and sisters,
thank you so much
for joining us.

Praise be. Praise be.
First, apologies to you.

My wife, Wanda Jo,
cannot be with us
this evening.

She is at
our summer parsonage
in Hawaii for a week

of spiritual introspection
and occasional parasailing.
Praise Wanda. Praise her.

Praise to Wanda.
Last week we asked you

to send us
your seed offerings,

and I would like
to show you a little

of what we received,
because look at this harvest

you gave unto us.

[cheering]
Praise unto you! Praise!

If I may,
just a little feedback

on some of the blessings
that you've sent in.

I think we made it clear
"seed faith" is metaphorical,

and we did not want
your actual seeds,

which is why
it was so disappointing

that someone sent
this gigantic bag of seeds

to us through the mail.

It was the biggest bag
of seeds I'd ever seen

until the next day
when this actual
bag of seeds turned up.

So... let me...
[laughter, applause]

Let me reiterate.
We want your actual money.

Call this number...

...and give it to us.

Do not send us seeds.

And also, do not send us...

beef jerky...

as someone else inexplicably
sent in this week.

Also, let me be clear,
we want US currency.

I should've mentioned
that last week,

because we
have received currency
from all over the world,

including this 100 trillion
dollar bill from Zimbabwe.

I was actually
genuinely excited about this

and was about
to send 100 trillion
blessings your way

until I checked
the exchange rate

and found out that this
is worth about 40 cents,

so now
I wouldn't even bless you
if you f*cking sneezed. Okay?

[laughter, applause]

But, for those of you--
for those of you

who have sent us US currency,
great blessings unto you.

We have received
thousands of envelopes

with thousands of dollars,
some featuring

heartwarming notes,
such as this $5 bill,

attached to a letter reading,
"Take my seed,

"you rat-faced bastard."

[laughter, applause]

Praise be.
We also received

multiple checks,
including this one

for $65 billion,

which you may have
sent in as a joke,

but guess what--
we're f*cking cashing it,

so who's laughing now?

Anyway, keep your money
coming in,

to this address.

And remember, the more money
you send in,

the more blessings will be
returned to you,

and that is still something

I am amazingly legally allowed
to say.

That is our show. We are
off for the next two weeks

I'm off to join Wanda Jo
on our Jet Ski.

It's a preaching machine,
brothers and sisters!

A preaching machine!
So, good night!

And join us later.
♪

Praise be! Praise.
Praise unto you.

Praise. Praise.

We ain't interested
in your seeds!

[cheering]

We ain't interested
in your seeds.

No more seeds.
No more seeds.

Money. Money.

Not seeds. Money.