02x31 - 2015 Canadian federal election

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[cheering, applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time-- Just time
for a quick recap of the week,

and it has been
a little bleak,

from Hungary
closing borders to refugees

to increased tensions between
Israelis and Palestinians,

but there was one ray
of pure, joyful light

from New Zealand this week,

hobbits' Australia.

Their prime minister,
John Key,

appeared on a radio show
and was asked to take part

in one
of their regular segments,

where a guest has
to honestly answer



Are you ready to play
"Thank You for Your Honesty"?

Do I get a choice?
No.

No? Okay, fine.
Deep breath
and you'll be fine.

Okay, let me stop you there,
'cause that's already amazing.

The prime minister just
let himself be overruled

by two morning radio DJs!

Are they like
the supreme court
in New Zealand or something?

And if you're thinking
they might have gone
easy on him,

they did not.

Man:
Was the Virgin Mary
really a virgin?

No.
I promise, John Key,
this is an important one.

Do you trim
your downstairs?
No.

Have you ever done wees
in the shower?
Yes.

Have you ever stolen anything?
Mmm... yes.

Have you ever sent
a d*ck pic?
No.

[laughter]

Holy shit!

I don't know what
I love the most there:

The fact he felt
qualified to weigh in
on the Virgin Mary,

the fact he confessed
to theft and shower urination,

or his admission
that he does not trim
his pubic hair.

This is the single
greatest political
interview of all time.

I actually think
the only time he might've lied

is regarding
the d*ck pic question,

because of course
he has sent one,
and I'll tell you why.

When you are
Prime Minister John Key,
every pic is a d*ck pic.

That's a fact.
That's just a fact.

So, let's move on.

Let's move on now
to Mexico,

the only place you can
get a truly authentic
volcano quesarito.

Mexico's president,
Enrique Peña Nieto,

has been struggling
in the polls recently.

Man: Poverty remains
deep-rooted,

and massacres
involving security forces

and corruption scandals

has made Peña Nieto
the most unpopular president
in 20 years.

Wow. Mexico's
most unpopular president.

That's actually impressive,
because until recently,

the most unpopular
president in Mexico

was still American president
James K. Polk,

also known in Mexico
as "that guy who took
Texas from us."

Mexicans are justifiably upset
at the moment,

which is why a video that
the Nieto government placed

on their YouTube page
on Monday was such a bad idea.

Man: In a vignette set
in working-class Mexico,

a carpenter tells off
a workmate moaning

about the government's
controversial reforms.

He ends his lecture
with what the PR department

must have thought was
a k*ller line.

[speaks Spanish]

Man: "Enough already
of your complaining,"
he says in slang.

"Enough of your complaining"?

Have to say, you get used
to hearing politicians say,
"We've heard your voice,"

but they don't usually
follow that up with,

"And it's annoying,
so shut the f*ck up."

[laughter]

Unsurprisingly,
the Mexican public
was not impressed.

[speaking Spanish]

Translator: How are
we not going to complain

when there is so much wrong
with the country?

If they solved the problems,
we wouldn't be complaining.

Man: Twitter has
jumped on the theme

with a long list of complaints
they do have

in a country where corruption
and impunity dominate.

Within hours,
the video was gone.

Yeah, yeah,
gone from their YouTube page,

but not gone
from the Internet.

You'd think people would
know by now you can't delete
anything from the Internet.

The only way
to guarantee no one
will see something online

is to put it on Newsweek.com.

That's the only way
to guarantee it.

And while the video may
have been taken down,

the hashtag it inspired,
Yachole, Spanish for "Enough,"

is going strong, with people
tweeting things like,

"Enough with the excessive
political theft,

"forced disappearances,
and corruption,"

and "Enough with your
corrupt and mediocre
cabinet, Peña Nieto,"

and my absolute favorite--
a GIF that says,

"Enough with your..." and then
just an exploding poop emoji.

And that is perfect,

because when
a government decides to tell

its citizens
to stop complaining,

they should know that shit
is eventually going to
blow up in your face.

And finally,
this week, Denmark,

also known as Wrong Norway,

Different Sweden,
and That's Actually
Not Finland.

You may remember,
last year the Copenhagen Zoo

caused something
of an international scandal.

Man: A Denmark zoo is
facing serious backlash

after it k*lled
a two-year-old giraffe

and fed its remains
to lions on Sunday.

Okay, now obviously,
feeding a giraffe to lions
is shocking,

although I will say I'm not
a huge fan of giraffes.

They look like
a camel f*cked a cheetah
and took neck Viagra.

And yet-- And yet,
despite the global outcry,

just a few weeks later,
the zoo was at it again.

Woman: That same Danish Zoo
that k*lled a healthy giraffe

has now k*lled two adult lions
and two lion cubs.

Yes, they fed
the giraffe to lions,

and then k*lled some
of the lions that ate it.

Who did they then
feed the lions to?

It seems pretty soon
the Copenhagen Zoo is going
to be one really fat meerkat

sitting atop
a giant pile of bones.

And after all this,
you would think

Denmark would tone down
the dead animal stuff a bit,

but now, a different
Danish zoo has taken things
to a whole new level.

Man: A zoo in Denmark has
an extreme demonstration
planned for next week.

Odense Zoo has
recently announced its plans

to dissect a lion
in front of a crowd,

which will likely
include children.

In fact, the event coincides
with the fall school break.

It is true. On Thursday,

a Danish zoo dissected a lion
in front of children.

And in case you're wondering
how much they enjoyed that,

let me show you
an actual photo
from the event.

That is how much
they enjoyed it,

because of course
that's how much!

It's like you told them
there's no Santa,

or that there is,
but he's dead

and this is his spleen.

And incredibly,
some in Denmark still insisted
this was an excellent idea.

I think it's very important
for kids to know

how the animals
look like inside.

[mockingly] Yes. Yes,
you must learn what a lion
looks like when cut into bits.

You must learn what
causes depression in bears.

You must learn
what mosquitoes think
when their parents die.

[mimicking buzzing]
That's what they think.

[mimicking buzzing]

That's what they think.

[normal voice]
And by the way,
just in case you're assuming

this particular lion
died a natural death,

you do not know Denmark.

The zoo in central Denmark
says the female lion

was euthanized nine months ago
because they had
too many lions.

The lion has been kept
in a freezer ever since.

I'll say this: If you're
going to leave something

in your workplace freezer
for nine months,

you'd better
be sure to label it,

and even then
it won't be safe,
and I'll tell you why.

Janice in accounting
don't give a f*ck.

She don't give a f*ck.

[mimics gnawing]

Listen, if Danish zoos are not
going to stop this behavior,

they may as well start
using it as a selling point.

[folk music playing]
[announcer speaks Danish]

On behalf of the people
of Denmark,

we'd like to invite you
to visit one of our famous
Danish zoos.

Come to Copenhagen
and see amazing animals,

like our four sea lions.

[g*n cocks, fires]
Three sea lions.

Say hello
to our camel Laurits

and our elephant Birgitte.

On Thursday,
we strangle her.

Wave to the cute red panda
before it's fed to otters.

And come see otters
before they're fed

to one of our three sharks.

[g*n cocks, fires]
Two sharks.

Children will love getting
to know our animals

and then seeing
what's inside them.

And the memories
of what they've seen

will never leave them.

[continues speaking]
Denmark's zoos...

[cheers, applause]
Moving on. Moving on.

Our-- Our main story
tonight is Canada,

the country you think
about so little...

That's it. End of sentence.

But that's a shame,
because Canada is
an important country.

They're our largest
trading partner,

and the US-Canadian border
is the longest in the world,

stretching all the way
from the coastal town
of Who-Gives-A-Shit, Alaska,

to the small fishing village
of Great... Whatever, Maine.

And this makes it a little sad
that you probably don't know

Canada is having
a major election soon,

and by soon,
I mean tomorrow

which is in around 50 minutes.

So, by the time we're done,
you'll have waited

until literally almost
the last moment

to learn the first thing
about the Canadian election--

an election, by the way,
of historic proportions.

Man: Today,
a 78-day campaign begins.

By any standards, grueling,

and the longest on record
since the 19th century.

Okay, okay, thinking 78 days
is a long campaign

is absolutely adorable.

It's like a woman
who has only ever seen
one penis saying,

"That's the longest one ever.
There couldn't possibly be
one longer than that."

But I have to say,
they've packed a lot
into those 78 days,

particularly
in the local races,

where one conservative
candidate, Jerry Bance,

the owner of an appliance
repair business

withdrew for a truly
breathtaking reason.

Well, Mr. Bance
had the misfortune

of being caught up in
a "Marketplace" investigation

into the ethics
of appliance repair businesses
who do house calls.

Jerry Bance responded
to a service call

at a house that was equipped
with hidden cameras

as part of the
"Marketplace" investigation,

and those cameras
caught him urinating
in a homeowner's coffee mug,

dumping the urine
into a kitchen sink,
giving it a quick rinse,

and then putting it back
into the sink.

Oh! That is
absolutely disgusting,

although it is surprising
Canada was so shocked
about urine in a mug,

considering that's exactly
what Labatt Blue tastes like.

And-- But amazingly--

Amazingly, that's not even
the most surprising scandal
in Canada's local races.

An NDP candidate
in Hamilton, Ontario,

is apologizing
for making a joke
about a n*zi death camp.

In a 2008 Facebook posting,
Alex Johnstone said a picture

of an electrified fence post
at Auschwitz looked phallic.

According to
"The Hamilton Spectator,"

Johnstone says
she did not know
what Auschwitz was until now.

Wow! That is parading two
different kinds of ignorance--

not knowing what Auschwitz is

and if she thinks
that's phallic,

not knowing what
a penis looks like.

And this kind of
makes you wonder

who is running
the schools up in Canada.

Man: Johnstone,
a social worker by training,

is the vice chair of
the Hamilton-Wentworth
District School Board

and a school trustee.

Yes, she helped run
a school board.

That would explain why
their history curriculum
includes the textbook,

"Poland, 1939-45:
Things That Looked
Like Dicks, Mainly."

And I know what
you're thinking:

"Who cares about Canada's
least-qualified school
board member

"and Mug d*ck, the handyman?

"These are
just local elections."

But the thing is,
Canadians don't elect
their prime minister directly.

That's decided
by how many MPs
each party gets.

So, these local races
are vital to who becomes
Canada's next leader,

and the polls are split

between the three
major parties:

the New Democratic Party,
or NDP,

the Liberal Party,
and the Conservatives.

It's a good, old-fashioned
Canadian three-way,

which is also the sex act in
which three people apologize

to each other so hard,
they all climax.

The socialist NDP
began the election
ahead in the polls,

but they've since
lost momentum,

partly because
their leader, Tom Mulcair,

widely thought to be
an excellent legislator

has not been the most
comfortable campaigner.

Here is Mulcair
trying out some slogans.

Health care, childcare,

Pharmacare, Mulcair.

[cheering]

This is what
change looks like.

Oh! You are not
what change looks like.

I understand you're talking
about your policies,

but still, change,
visually, does not look

like Paul Giamatti's uncle
reading a rhyming dictionary.

Now, as for the Liberal Party,
they are currently
in the lead,

campaigning on
a platform of tax breaks
for the middle class

and a plan to run
a three-year deficit
to boost the economy

and ease the strain
of austerity measures.

Their leader is
Justin Trudeau,

son of former
Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau,

a legendary political
figure in Canada.

Although there is some
concern that Justin Trudeau

may not be quite as smart
as his father,

as a journalist who has
covered him concedes.

His father was considered
sort of intellectually
brilliant smart.

Does he have
that kind of smarts?

No. And he will tell you
that himself.

But he...

he has-- I think other people
have used this word, too--

he has
an emotional intelligence that
Pierre Trudeau didn't have.

Ouch! Ouch!
"Emotional intelligence."

That is the kind
of made-up quality you
might find on a report card

from a Montessori school.

Well done, Zayden!
You got a squirrel
on Emotional Intelligence.

But on Actual Intelligence,
you got a frowning walrus

which is an "F."
That's an "F," Zayden.

Let's make
that walrus smile.

Now, while growing up
in the public eye

has given Justin Trudeau
name recognition,

it also has had its drawbacks.

For instance, if you do
a Google image search on him,

you can find
every poor fashion choice
that he's ever made,

from a '90s boy band member

one week
before entering rehab,

to an L.L. Bean sweater model
who just underwent a lobotomy

to Johnny Depp's evil twin.

And it's not just photos.

There's also embarrassing
videos out there,

like this one in which
he explains his party trick

of pretending to fall down
a flight of stairs.

[speaking French]

Translator: Let me show you
how it normally works.

I put a person here,
and I'm passing,
so it's like, "Hey.

"How are you?"
[yells]

What? Look, look, look, look.

No one is saying that
that is behavior worthy
of a head of state,

but you cannot deny that
it is somewhat satisfying

to watch
a soul-patched man
named Justin

with a French accent
just fall down some stairs.

There's something there
that's good about it.

And Trudeau's opponents
have used his lightweight
reputation against him,

by running ads like these.

Man: Is Justin ready?

Man 2: Justin thinks budgets
balance themselves,

Man: But Justin hasn't
thought that through.

Justin doesn't understand
the consequences.

Man 3: Justin.
He's just not ready.

Now, repeatedly
calling him Justin is
actually very clever,

because the more
you say that name,

the less ready
for office he sounds.

The name Justin
doesn't convey leadership

so much as it conveys
an unwillingness to sit still
at the pediatrician's office

or ownership of
a System of a Down tattoo

halfway through a painful
laser-removal process.

Those are the two types
of Justin that exist,
and just those two.

But despite these concerns,
polls show that Justin

is currently leading
incumbent Prime Minister
Stephen Harper,

a man who,
thanks to Canada's
lack of term limits,

has already been in office
for almost 10 years.

And while
Trudeau has been painted
as a charismatic pretty boy,

no one has ever said
either of those things
about Stephen Harper.

Just watch him
try to appear relatable.

Something you might not
know about me is that I love
movies and TV shows.

One of my all-time favorites
is "Breaking Bad."

It's even available on some
online streaming services,
if you've never seen it.

[laughter]

"I love movies
and TV shows"

isn't a statement
that wins over voters.

It's what an alien
in disguise as a human

tells you while trying
to fit in at a dinner party.

But don't be deceived
by his bland exterior.

Where there is banality,
there is evil.

For instance,
Harper's government has
passed numerous laws

weakening Canada's
environmental protections,

they've scaled back
health care for some refugees,

which a federal court called
"cruel and unusual,"

and Harper himself has taken
an extremely strong position
on marijuana.

There's just overwhelming
and growing scientific
and medical evidence

about the bad long-term
effects of marijuana.

We've spent
a couple of generations

trying to reduce the usage
of tobacco in Canada

with a lot of success.

Tobacco is a product
that does a lot of damage.

Marijuana is infinitely worse.

Are you high?

Marijuana is not worse
than tobacco.

The only context in which
that's true is aesthetics.

Look at Paul Newman. Okay.

Now look at whatever
the f*ck this is.

Marijuana is infinitely worse

in that context
and that context alone.

But Harper's ugliest tendency
is perhaps his pandering
to Islamophobes.

Earlier this year,
his government passed
a law called the...

...stiffening penalties
for things like honor k*lling
and polygamy,

despite the fact both
those things were already
illegal in Canada.

And then a few weeks ago,
they suggested a barbaric
cultural practices hotline

despite the fact 911
continues to exist in Canada.

And this is
on top of the fact that
they once banned women

from wearing the niqab
while taking the oath
of citizenship,

a decision
that Harper justified

during a French-language
debate like this.

Translator: I would
never tell my daughter

that a woman
should cover her face

because she's a woman.
I would never say that.

Okay. For a start,
if Stephen Harper's daughter

is covering her face,
it's probably because
she understandably

does not want
to be seen in public
with Stephen f*cking Harper.

But-- But this isn't a debate
about his parenting,

it's a debate
about forbidding one
particular religious practice,

and to hear
from one of the women
affected by the ban,

she did not appreciate it.

Woman: How do you
explain to Canadians
why it's so important

to keep your veil on
while taking the oath?

Because the Canadi--
I actually chose
this country for--

the reason is, it provides me
with the freedom

of my-- to practice
my religion as well.

And Canada's federal courts
actually agreed with her,

'cause she sued
Harper's government and won,

presumably arguing
that if Harper was happy

to let Canadians interact
with their government
dressed like this,

she should be allowed to wear
whatever the f*ck she wants.

And if all of that--
[cheers, applause]

If all of that
were not enough

to make you hate
Stephen Harper,

there's also the fact
that he has a band

a terrible, terrible band.

♪ Sweet Caroline
♪ Bah-bah-buh

♪ Good times never
seemed so good ♪

That is Stephen Harper
murdering "Sweet Caroline"

with his actual band
that he chose to call
the Van Cats,

an apparent play
on "vingt-quatre,"
to represent 24 Sussex,

the name of the prime
minster's residence.
So, to recap there,

Harper's band's name
is not just a shitty pun,

it's a shitty French pun
on the fact that he is
prime minister of Canada.

That is
the least rock and roll
thing imaginable...

until-- until you see
this photo of Stephen Harper

with the lead singer
of Nickelback.

And look-- look, I know
it's hard for Americans
to care about this,

but think of it this way.

Picture your
next-door neighbor.

You may not be great friends
with her, but you'd be sad

if she started dating
a complete and utter dickhead.

Well, Canada is America's
next-door neighbor

and Stephen Harper is
her dickhead boyfriend.

You know, the one
she won't split up with

despite the fact
he tells her what to wear

and makes her listen
to his shitty, shitty band.

And I would love to tell
the people of Canada right now

to vote Stephen Harper
out of office.

Unfortunately,
and this is amazing,

it's against Canadian law,

specifically, Section 331
of the Canada Elections Act

which states,
"No person who does
not reside in Canada

"shall induce electors to vote
or refrain from voting

"for a particular candidate."

And apparently,
anyone found guilty
of doing that

could be fined up to $5,000,

given a six-month
jail term, or both.

That is a ridiculous law,

and I guess what
you're saying, Canada, is...

"You want to dance?"

Is-- Is that what
you're saying?

'Cause if you want
to dance, Canada,

bring your best moves,
'cause it's nearly midnight

and Johnny's got
his dancing shoes on.

You think
I'm scared of six months
in Canadian prison?

What's that? Six months
of living in Ottawa?

Yes! That's right!

Keep yourself warm
with that Ottawa burn.

And as for your $5,000 fine,

I simply can't imagine
a better way to spend



But if telling you not
to vote for Stephen Harper
is going to cost me $5,000,

I'm going to get
my money's worth,

and I'm gonna
do it in the most
Canadian way possible.

So please come with me.

[cheering]
Because I'm going to tell you

not to vote
for Stephen Harper
alongside this beaver

♪
playing "Sweet Caroline"
on the keyboard

and this moose
receiving a colonoscopy

under Canada's
fantastic single-payer
health care system,

and finally
with the help of one
of Canada's finest sons--

Mike Meyers dressed
as a Mountie riding
a snowplow!

Yes! It doesn't get
more Canadian!
[loud cheering, whistling]

It just doesn't get
more Canadian than this!

I think I have
your full attention, Canada!

Oh yes!

Oh yes.

Yes. Yes.

Hi, Mike. Hi.
Hi, John, how are you?

[stammers]
Thank you so much
for doing this.

Is there anything you'd
like to say at this point?

Yes, there's lots
I'd like to say.
Okay.

I love Canada,
but the fact that it has a law

banning outsiders from telling
Canadians how to vote

Mm-hmm.
is one of the least
Canadian things possible.

Sure.
Oh, and... don't vote
for Stephen Harper.

Exactly. Exactly.

Don't do it,
and I'll tell you why.

Stephen Harper doesn't care
about black people!

[music stops]

Oh God! Not again!

Sorry. Sorry. My mist--
What I meant to say was,

Stephen Harper doesn't
care about Muslim people!

Totally fair. Yeah. Yeah.
There you go. There you go.

I think he made that
pretty clear.
I think it was painful,

so please do not vote
for Stephen Harper!

Yeah, don't do it!
Shall we?

Shall we, Mike? Let's.
Don't-- Yeah, look at this.

Here's your $5,000 Canada!


Look at this. Oh!
Here's your 5,000!

Take it! Take it all!

And now... this.
Achoo!

♪
[announcer speaks]

In terms of your question,

I travel all around
the country, all over,

meeting people
and making announcements.

[announcer speaks]

Obviously don't agree
on everything,

but he understands that--

I think everybody understands

that Canada's
a sovereign country.

And finally-- finally tonight,

quotations,
the karaoke of ideas.

Quotations make us
sound smart.

That's why politicians love
throwing them around.

In fact, just recently,
Ben Carson decided to quote
a founding father.

Thomas Jefferson himself said,

you know, "g*n control
works great

"for the people who are
law-abiding citizens,

"and it does nothing
for the criminals,

"and all it does is put
the people at risk."

[laughter]

I'm pretty sure
Jefferson did not say that,

in part because
the term "g*n control"

wasn't even used
in its modern sense
until the 1960s.

Now, to be fair,
the gist of the quote

does appear
in Jefferson's handwriting,

but it was apparently
a paraphrased quote

from Italian philosopher
Cesare Beccaria

that Jefferson had copied
into his journal.

And you cannot
give people credit

for saying things
they copied into notebooks.

Otherwise, my teenage self
would've been able

to claim credit
for the Pythagorean theorem

and most
Smashing Pumpkins lyrics.

But Carson is
just one offender.

In this election cycle alone,

BuzzFeed found that
Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker,
and Rand Paul

had all misquoted
great American figures,

which may seem
like unpresidential behavior

were it not for the fact
that a surprising number
of presidents

have done
the exact same thing.

I came upon this quote
by Abraham Lincoln.

"I am not bound to win

"but I'm bound to be true."

The principles
so eloquently stated
by Abraham Lincoln,

quote, "You cannot
strengthen the weak

"by weakening the strong."

Mr. Lincoln once said
that you can fool

all of the people
some of the time,

and you can fool some
of the people all of the time,

but you cannot fool
all of the people
all the time.

Lincoln never said
any of those things!

None of them!

Nor did he say,
as this t*nk top sold on Etsy
would have you believe,

"Four score
and seven beers ago."

Not that either!

And the Internet is
only making this epidemic of
misattributing quotes worse.

Representative Jody Hice
spent his 2014 campaign

covering his Facebook page
and Twitter feed

with completely
inaccurate quotes
from the founding fathers,

like this one, which reads,
"Most bad government

"has grown out
of too much government,"

which there is no record
of Jefferson ever saying.

In fact, it sounds
much more like something
Ayn Rand would've said

but, you know, using around


But that is the problem
with memes.

If you have the right font,
and the right photo,

any quote can seem real,
and I'll tell you how
I know that.

Because for years now,

you may have seen
multiple photos of me

comparing g*n control
to airport security.

It's an interesting thought.
Here's the thing.

I never said that!

Even though
I've now seen it
so many times

I'm starting to genuinely
wonder if I did!

Because with
just a few minutes
of photoshopping,

You can make it seem plausible
that anyone said anything.

For instance, did you know
Alexander Hamilton

once said, "I'm not
here to make friends.
I'm here to win"?

Or that Marie Curie said,

"After the show,
it's the after-party.

"After the party,
it's the hotel lobby."

I mean, they didn't say
either of those things,

but admit it-- there is
some small part of you that
now thinks they might've done.

It seems we have got
a decision to make
at this point.

Either we care about
the accuracy of quotes

and make sure that
they're correctly sourced,

or we don't care at all,
which is why

we have created
a website called...

which will generate
random misquotes

from historical figures,

such as
Thomas Jefferson saying...

Because if quotes no longer
have to be real,

they should at least be fun.
So, please, go online to...

...hit the "Deliver me
some wisdom" button

and share
the misattributed quotes

with the rest of the world.

And, in the words
of Adolf Hitler...

So thank you
so much for watching!

A huge thanks to Mike Myers!

Good night!

Good night!

[theme music playing]