03x03 - Donald Trump presidential campaign, 2016

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

Thank you so much
for joining us.

I'm John Oliver.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin with Egypt,

or, as !sis calls it,
next.

[laughter]

Egypt is currently in the throes
of a serious economic crisis,

and their leader,
Abdel Fattah el-Sisi,

has not been handling it well.

In fact, just a couple
of weeks ago,

he unveiled a new
public housing complex,

which should have
been great news,

but he didn't strike
a particularly appropriate tone.

woman: Abdel Fattah el-Sisi

arrived on a red carpet
that stretched over two miles.

[laughter]

Soon after
the extravagant arrival,

el-Sisi made a speech about
cutting government subsidies,

claiming the state could not
continue to subsidize

water and electricity.

- Wow.

[laughter]

Strutting down a red carpet,

which reportedly cost $200,000,

on the very day
you plan to tell people

to use less water.

The only less sensitive way
he could have arrived

was via log flume.

[laughter]

So--so this week,
el-Sisi tried again

to boost Egypt's
economic spirits

by launching a new
development strategy

called "Vision 2030,"

which frankly wasn't ideal,

as that name
is already synonymous

with vision being
not quite perfect.

[laughter]

And wait until you hear

some of the details of the plan.

man: We are a nation
of 90 million.

Just think about it.

If only 10 million of us
wake up every day

and they donate by SMS
one Egyptian pound--

just one for the sake
of this homeland--

that's 10 million pound a day.

- Yes, part of el-Sisi's
solution was,

"Hey, why don't you
text me money?"

[laughter]

He's begging for public support

the way Paula Deen begs people

to keep her on
"Dancing with the Stars."

[laughter]

Although I will admit

his plan nearly had one
very intriguing option.

- Okay, then.

Selling yourself
for the country.

You are pitching
an amazing sequel

to "Indecent Proposal."

"A man tries to save his country
the hard way."

And credit here
to the Egyptian people

who channeled their anger

into setting up an eBay page

offering the sale
of a used field marshal

in decent condition,

which honestly wouldn't be
the dumbest thing

ever to be sold on eBay.

After all, last month,
some idiot paid $106

for possibly the largest
Raisin Bran flakes in the world.

And let me just say,

that idiot is very happy
with his purchase.

[laughter and applause]

But--thank you.
Thank you.

But with all--
with all the turmoil

Egypt is in at the moment,

what el-Sisi needed to do

was reassure the country he had
everything under control.

But again, I am not sure
he struck the right tone.

[laughter]

- "Don't listen
to anyone but me.

I'm serious."

It is not good
when your country's leader

sounds like a frightened
substitute teacher.

[laughter]

And just like
a substitute teacher,

you have a feeling that el-Sisi
is going to be replaced

very, very soon.

But let's move on
to Guantanamo Bay:

the Hotel California of prisons

in that you can never leave,

and, like that album,
it is a permanent stain

on America's reputation.

The president unveiled
what he claimed

was a major new plan this week.

- Today the department
is submitting to Congress

our plan for finally closing

the facility at Guantanamo
once and for all.

I don't want
to pass this problem

on to the next president,
whoever it is.

- That's a laudable goal.

Guantanamo is like
a 37-year-old

who's still trying to be
a singer-songwriter.

It's time someone
shot that down.

You can't just pass the problem
on to his next girlfriend,

whoever she is.

But if the president's speech
sounded familiar at all to you,

it may be because he signed
an executive order

just two days
after taking office

to close Guantanamo,

and look at him back then,
so young, so hopeful,

like a boy band in the '90s

signing their first
record contract

while Lou Pearlman
salivates nearby.

[laughter]

And year after year,
he has made the same promise.

- I have ordered the prison
at Guantanamo Bay closed

by early next year.

Make no mistake,

we will close Guantanamo prison.

I still want
to close Guantanamo.

As president, I have
tried to close GTMO.

I will continue to push
to close GTMO.

It's time to close GTMO.

That's why I will keep working

to shut down the prison
at Guantanamo.

- Holy shit!
[laughter]

Just look at him then and now.

The president and Guantanamo Bay

are aging together
like the couple from "Up."

And it's starting
to seem like Obama

might be the wife
who dies first.

But I hope--

I hope the president
does not think

the seventh year
is going to be the charm,

because the Republican
leadership's stance

can best be summed up

by a video
Senator Pat Roberts released.

- This is what I think
of the president's plan

to send t*rrorists
to the United States.

[laughter]

- Okay--okay, well, first,
sick shot.

[laughter]

Although technically,
that could mean you think

the president's plan
is "nothing but net,"

so maybe work on your messaging.

But the law is actually
on Senator Roberts' side.

In 2010, Congress banned
the use of federal money

to bring detainees
into the country,

and just three months ago,

they tightened
those restrictions.

So the president's
speech this week

was pretty much
a symbolic gesture,

like saying, "Let me help you
with the dishes,"

at the end of a party.

If you hand me a sponge,

I swear to f*cking God

I'm never coming back
to your apartment.

[laughter]

And while the president's
determination

to get this done
is admirable,

you have to wish that he'd
thought this closure through

more fully in the first place,

because the lack
of a concrete plan

was painfully obvious
from the very day

he signed that executive order.

- Guantanamo will be closed

no later than one year from now.

We will be--

Uh, is there a separate, um,
executive order, Greg,

with respect to how
we're gonna dispose

of the detainees?

Is that, uh, written--

Greg: Set up a process.

- We will be
setting up a process

whereby this is gonna be
taking place.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Who the f*ck is Greg?
[laughter]

And why are you asking him now?

I have to say, when it comes
to dashed presidential promises,

President Obama's
"Mission Accomplished"

might just be,
"You got this, Greg, right?

Greg's got it."

And now this.

[triumphant music]

- Everybody knows
the president's

a very good basketball player.

I would emphasize
to the president to bounce the--

bouncing the ball to him on a--

just a bounce pass and say,
"Your ball, Mr. President.

Ball's in your court."

He would probably go
to the left corner

and sink a three
at about that time.

I would probably be
dribbling a lot...

or trying to.

And then after I shot
and missed it,

and I'd say, "Your ball again,
Mr. President."

By that time, the president
has scored a couple of layups

and two more jump sh*ts.

By that time,
the president

probably stole the ball
and scored another layup.

I'm still on my second shot
on the free shot.

By the way, I just scored
a hook shot, Mr. President.

That's the end of the ball game.

But it is not the end
of the debate.

[laughter]

- Moving on,
our main story tonight--

and I cannot believe
I'm saying this--

is Donald Trump.

And I say that--
I say that knowing

that every time his name
is said out loud,

he has a shattering orgasm.

And look--look,

we have mostly
ignored Trump on this show,

but he has now won three states,

has been endorsed
by Chris Christie,

and polls show him leading
most Super Tuesday states,

which is a big deal.

Since 1988, every candidate

who's won the most states
on Super Tuesday

went on to become
their party's nominee.

So at this point,
Donald Trump

is America's back mole.

It may have seemed harmless
a year ago,

but now that it's gotten
frighteningly bigger,

it is no longer
wise to ignore it.

And I do understand

why Trump's supporters
might like him.

He's unpredictable
and entertaining.

Just look how he went
after Marco Rubio on Friday.

- Did you ever see a guy
sweat like this?

It's Rubio!

[crowd cheering]

That's what he--

[laughter]

- That's objectively funny...

[laughter]

Just as it was funny

when a few years ago,
he Tweeted,

"I would like to extend
my best wishes to all,

"even the haters and losers,

on this special date,
September the 11th."

He wished haters and losers
a happy 9/11.

[laughter]

There is a part of me

that even likes this guy.

It's a part of me I hate,
but it is a part of me.

And if you are someone who's
sick of the party establishment,

he might seem like
a protest candidate

with some attractive qualities.

- We like him.
He tells it like it is.

- He says what he means.

I-I honestly believe
he's telling the truth.

- He's funding his own campaign.

Nobody owns him.

- He's aggressive,
and he's strong,

and he's bold.

- I think he's
an incredible businessman.

If he runs the country
like he runs

his organization,

we would be in good shape.

- Donald Trump
can seem appealing

until you take a closer look,

much like the lunch buffet
at a strip club

or the NFL
or having a pet chimpanzee.

Sure, it seems fun,

but someday, Koko's gonna
tear your f*cking limbs off.

[laughter]

Because let's look
at each of those qualities

those people listed.

First, he tells it like it is.

Does he?

Because the website PolitiFact

checked 77 of his statements

and rated 76% of them

as varying degrees of false.

And I've witnessed this
firsthand.

He once att*cked my old boss
by tweeting,

"If Jon Stewart
is so above it all and legit,

"why did he change his name
from Jonathan Leibowitz?

He should be proud
of his heritage!"

And then two years later wrote,

"I never att*cked
dopey Jon Stewart

"for his phony last name.

Would never do that!"

And then just last year,

he claimed falsely
to have turned down an invite

to appear on this
"very boring" show, and--

and who's he trying
to impress with that lie?

Our show's guests include
sloths and puppies.

[laughter]

We're basically a petting zoo
with a desk.

But--but when we pointed out
that he had never been invited,

this is how he responded.

Trump: All of a sudden,
I see people saying

that John Oliver--
and I'm saying, "John Oliver?"

And I checked with my people.

He asked me to be on the show
four or five times.

And I-I don't even
hardly know who he was.

I wouldn't know
what he looks like.

- Well, look, first--first,

I wouldn't expect him
to know who I was,

although for his inevitable
angry tweet about this segment,

I'll tell him what I look like.

I look like a nearsighted
parrot who works at a bank.

But--but secondly--secondly,

it was genuinely destabilizing

to be on the receiving end
of a lie that confident.

I even checked to make sure

that no one had even
accidentally invited him.

And of course they hadn't.

And--and I'm not even sure
he knows he's lying.

I think he just doesn't care
about what the truth is.

Donald Trump views the truth
like this lemur

views the Supreme Court vacancy.

"I don't care
about that in any way.

Please f*ck off.
I have a banana."

[laughter]

So--so let's move on.

Let's move on
to his next silly point,

that he is truly independent

and not beholden to anyone,
or, as he puts it...

- I'm self-funding my campaign.
I tell the truth--

- How much have you spent
so far?

- Probably $20 million,
$25 million.

- Okay, let's break that down.

First, "I'm rich,
therefore I tell the truth,"

has the same internal logic as,

"I'm a vegan,
therefore I know karate."

There is no cause and effect
between those two,

and the correlation
usually goes the other way.

And--and while it is true

that he hasn't taken
corporate money,

the implication
that he has personally spent

$20 million to $25 million
is a bit of a stretch,

because what he's actually done

is loaned his own campaign

$17 1/2 million

and has just personally given

just $250,000.

And that's important,

because up until the convention,

he can pay himself
back for the loan

with campaign funds.

And if you don't think
there's a significant difference

between a gift and a loan,

try giving your spouse
an anniversary loan

and see how that goes.

[laughter]

And even he himself
sometimes admits

that his campaign is by no means

completely self-funded.

- I'm self-funding my campaign,

other than the little, tiny ones

where they send in--
you know, women send in--

we had a woman--
$7.59.

What do you do?
How can you send the money back?

You know, it's a nice--
it's cute.

It's beautiful.

They feel invested
in your campaign.

- He makes it sound like women

are stuffing grimy dollar bills
in envelopes,

writing "Donald Trump"
on the front,

and he's just too kind
to send them back.

But he's taken in
$7 1/2 million

in individual contributions.

And if he didn't want it,

maybe he shouldn't have had
two "donate" buttons

on his website,

because money isn't unsolicited

when you have
to ask for someone's

credit card expiration date
to receive it.

Okay, so--so how about
the claim that he is tough?

Well, again,
I'm not sure about that,

because for a tough guy,
he has incredibly thin skin.

Back in 1988, "Spy" magazine

called him a "short-fingered
vulgarian."

And ever since, the editor,
Graydon Carter,

says he receives
envelopes from Trump,

always with a photo on which
he's circled his hand

to highlight the length
of his fingers,

usually with a note reading,
"See, not so short!"

[laughter]
And look, look.

His fingers seem fine.

But the very fact
he's so sensitive about them

is absolutely hilarious,

as is the fact that those notes

were apparently written
in gold Sharpie,

which is so quintessentially
Donald Trump,

something that gives the passing
appearance of wealth

but is actually just
a cheap tool.

Now--now, Trump's--
[cheers and applause]

Trump's signature tough talk--

his signature tough talk

often involves lawsuits.

He loves to thr*aten
to sue people,

like he did
with Rosie O'Donnell.

- She said I was bankrupt.

I never went bankrupt.

So probably I'll sue her,

because it would be fun.

I'd like to take some money

out of her fat-ass pockets.

- Well, look, look.

Look, of course--
of course he needs

to take Rosie O'Donnell
to court

to take money
out of her pockets,

because his tiny,
tiny fingers

are too short to reach
into her wallet.

But--but he never sued her.

He never sued Rosie O'Donnell.

In fact, he's repeatedly
threatened people with lawsuits

and not followed through,

including the rapper
Mac Miller,

Lawrence O'Donnell,
"Vanity Fair,"

and an activist
who launched a petition

for Macy's
to drop Trump's products.

"I'll sue you"
is Trump's version of "bazinga."

It doesn't really mean anything,

but he says it all the time.

But perhaps Trump's biggest
selling point as a candidate

is his success.

And where could people
get that idea from?

- I'm really rich.

I actually think I have
the best temperament.

People love me,
and you know what?

I've been very successful.

Everybody loves me.

I went to an Ivy League school.

I'm very highly educated.

I know words.
I have the best words.

[laughter and applause]

- Oh, please.

Literally the biggest word

in the sentence
"I have the best words"

is the word "words."

[laughter]

But it's worth noting

while, yes,
he has made more money

than most of us
will make in a lifetime,

not only did he get
a multimillion-dollar

inheritance from his father,

but he's also lost
a huge amount.

And this is where
we need to be careful,

because as we've learned,
he will--

he will thr*aten to sue
your fat-ass pockets

with his cocktail sausage
fingers

if you talk about
his company's bankruptcies.

So I will just let
his own daughter

describe the state
of his finances

at one point in his life.

Ivanka: I remember once
my father and I

were walking down 5th Avenue,

and there was a homeless person
sitting, um--

sitting right outside
of Trump Tower.

And I remember my father
pointing to him and saying,

"You know, that guy has
$8 billion more than me,"

because he was in such extreme
debt at that point, you know?

- And that really shows you

the indomitable spirit
of Donald Trump--

to fall to his lowest point

and in that very moment
still find a way

to be kind of a d*ck
to a homeless guy.

Now--now,
his campaign

claims his current worth
is in excess of $10 billion.

And they've written it
in all caps,

so it must be true.

But others have
disputed that figure.

In fact, a book once suggested
that Trump might be worth

a mere $150 million
to $250 million,

which Trump protested
by suing the writer

for $5 billion,

which is a pretty
roundabout way

of getting half the way
to $10 billion.

And you should know,
for the record,

Trump lost that lawsuit twice.

But I am glad that he sued,

if only because
during the deposition,

he explained that his estimate
of his net worth fluctuates

based on, and I quote,

"Feelings, even my own feelings,

and that can change rapidly
from day to day."

Think about that.

He claimed that his net worth

changes depending on his mood,

which makes absolutely no sense,

partly because he always
seems to be in the same mood--

specifically, smug yet gassy.

[laughter]

And--and interestingly--
interestingly,

a significant portion
of his self-valuation

is intangible.

- His brand is what
he values very much.

And he--on his disclosure form
that he's released,

it's about $3 billion.

That's what he values
his brand as.

- Exactly, he values
his own name

at $3 billion.

And I am not saying a name
can't have value.

It's why people will pay $120
for a plain white T-shirt

that is "designed"
by Kanye West.

[laughter]

They don't want just
any white T-shirt.

They want one designed
by a bored sociopath

with a finger-free anus.

But--but $3 billion
seems a bit high,

especially because
while Trump has said,

"If I put my name on something,
you know it's gonna be good,"

over the years, his name
has been on some things

that have arguably
been very un-good,

including Trump Shuttle,
which no longer exists;

Trump Vodka,
which was discontinued;

"Trump Magazine," which folded;

"Trump World" magazine,
which also folded;

Trump University,
over which he's being sued;

and, of course, the travel
booking site gotrump.com,

whose brief existence was,
I imagine,

a real thorn in the side
of anyone hoping gotrump.com

featured a single thing
worth masturbating to.

[applause]

And that's not even
mentioning this.

- When it comes to great steaks,

I've just raised the stakes.

Trump Steaks are the world's
greatest steaks,

and I mean that
in every sense of the word.

And The Sharper Image
is the only store

where you can buy them.

- And not only can you not
buy those steaks anymore,

but why did he sell them
at The Sharper Image?

That is a weird choice.

"I will take a massage chair,

"an indoor waterfall,

and 8 1/2 pounds
of the finest meat in America."

And sure,
every business executive

is bound to have
a few missteps.

But Trump's lack
of sound financial instincts

is perhaps best exemplified

by the business
that he put his name on

back in 2006,

just before the entire
housing market collapsed.

- I think it's a great time
to start a mortgage company.

We're gonna have
a great company.

It's Trump Mortgage
and trumpmortgage.com.

And it's gonna be
a terrific company.

- Yeah, it wasn't.

In fact--in fact, starting
a mortgage company in 2006

was one of the worst decisions
you could possibly make.

But I guess you can convince
yourself it was a good idea

when you say 30 words

and 5 of them are
"great," "great," "terrific,"

"Trump," and "Trump."

And you might say, "Well,
never mind side businesses.

What he really is
is a builder."

But a building
with "Trump" written on it

is not necessarily
owned by him.

He may have just
licensed his name to them,

something he claims is actually
"better than ownership."

"You don't put up money.

You don't put up anything."

Spoken like a true builder.

And--and some of those
licensed buildings

sell his reputation hard,

like the sales video
for the Trump Ocean Resort

in northern Mexico.

- I'm very,
very proud of the fact

that when I build,
I have investors

that follow me all over.

People ask me,
"What does Trump stand for

more than anything else?"

And if I use one word,
it's always "quality."

- Right, but it's easy to
throw around the word "quality."

Have you ever stayed
at a Quality Inn?

The pillows
are stuffed with hair

they fished out
of the bathtub drain.

Now, he was never the builder
for that project,

which was later abandoned,
leaving would-be condo buyers

like William Flint,
who lost $168,000,

feeling understandably betrayed.

- Donald Trump was an expert
in these types of projects,

or so we thought.

woman: In a deposition
for a lawsuit

regarding the property,

Trump's son, Donald Trump Jr.,

conceded that the Trump brand

could lead people
to think a project

was a solid investment.

man: There's one of things

that you've learned
through this process

is that the Trump name
brings stability

and--or viability
to the project.

- I don't know if it brings
stability or viability,

but I imagine certain people
feel that.

- And that might actually
be the most honest slogan

for the Trump campaign:

"Trump 2016: I Don't Know if it
Brings Stability or Viability,

But I Imagine Certain People
Feel That."

[cheers and applause]

Now, not only--

not only did investors in that
property sue Donald Trump.

They also did in
Trump Tower Tampa,

another project that
never got off the ground.

And in both cases,
Trump characteristically

deflected blame
onto the developers.

And you would think

those investors would be facing
an impossible legal battle,

given Trump's "tough talk."

- When I get sued,
I take it right--all--

just take it all the way.

You know what happens?

If you settle suits,
you get sued more.

It's true.

I don't settle anything.
I don't settle.

- Guess what.
He settled both those cases.

But the problem is,

even when you can demonstrably
prove Trump to be wrong,

it somehow never
seems to matter.

You can hold his feet
to the fire,

but he'll just stand there
on the stumps

bragging about his
fireproof foot skin.

[laughter]

And that may be because

he has spent decades
turning his own name

into a brand synonymous
with success and quality.

And he's made himself the mascot
for that brand,

like Ronald McDonald
or Chef Boyardee.

And that is who we have seen

in "The Apprentice"
or "WrestleMania"

or "Home Alone 2."

But if he's actually going to be
the Republican nominee,

it's time to stop
thinking of the mascot

and start thinking of the man,

'cause a candidate for president

needs a coherent
set of policies.

Whatever you think about
Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz,

at least you basically
know where they stand.

But Trump's opinions have
been wildly inconsistent.

He's been pro-choice
and pro-life,

for and against
as*ault w*apon bans,

in favor of both bringing in
Syrian refugees

and deporting them out
of the country.

And that inconsistency
can be troubling.

Just this morning, for instance,

he was asked about the fact
that David Duke,

former Grand Wizard
of the Ku Klux Klan,

had told supporters
to vote for him.

And this was his answer.

- Will you unequivocally
condemn David Duke

and say that you
don't want his vote

or that of other
white supremacists

in this election?

- Well, just so you understand,

I don't know anything
about David Duke, okay?

I don't know anything about
what you're even talking about

with white supremacy
or white supremacists.

Honestly, I don't
know David Duke.

I don't believe
I've ever met him.

I'm pretty sure
I didn't meet him.

And I just don't know
anything about him.

- Really?
That's your best answer there?

Because you definitely
know who he is,

partly 'cause you called him
a bigot and a r*cist

in the past.

But that's not even
the f*cking point.

The point is,
with an answer like that,

you are either r*cist,
or you are pretending to be,

and at some point,
there is no difference there.

And sure, he disavowed
David Duke later in the day.

But the scary thing is,

we have no way of knowing

which of his inconsistent views
he will hold in office.

Will he stand by his statement

that vaccines
are linked to autism

or his belief that Mexico
is sending us rapists?

Oh, and what about that plan
he had to defeat !sis?

Trump: We're fighting
a very politically correct w*r.

- But we see that happening--

Trump: And the other thing is,
with the t*rrorists,

you have to take out
their families.

When you get these t*rrorists,

you have to take out
their families.

They--they care
about their lives.

Don't kid yourself.
- Mr. Trump--

Trump: But they say they don't
care about their lives.

You have to take out
their families.

- That is the front-runner
for the Republican nomination

advocating a w*r crime.

And he might say he was joking

or he's changed his mind
about any of these things.

And private individuals are
allowed to change their minds.

We all do it.

But when he's sworn in
as president

on January 20, 2017,

on that day, his opinions
are going to matter.

And you will remember that date,

'cause it's the one that
time travelers from the future

will come back to
to try and stop

the whole thing from happening.

[cheers and applause]

And listen, I get--

I get that the character
of Donald Trump

is entertaining
and that he says things

that people want to hear.

And I know his very name
is powerful.

Just listen
to this one supporter

explain what it means to her.

- I was a little girl.
- Yeah.

- I didn't even know
what Trump Towers were,

but I knew that he was
a wealthy, successful man.

- Somehow, like, there was a--

even as a very young kid,

the word "Trump"
sort of meant "rich."

- It meant "success."

- She's not even wrong.
"Trump" does sound rich.

It's almost onomatopoeic.

"Trump."

It's the sound produced
when a mouthy servant

is slapped across the face

with a wad of $1,000 bills.

"Trump."

It's the sound
of a cork popping

on a couple's
champagne-iversary,

the date renovations
in the wine cellar

were finally completed.

The very name Trump
is the cornerstone of his brand.

If only there were a way
to uncouple that magical word

from the man he really is.

Well, guess what.
There is.

Because it turns out
the name Trump

was not always
his family's name.

One biographer found
that a prescient ancestor

had changed it from--
and this is true--Drumpf.

Yes, f*cking Drumpf.

And Drumpf is much less magical.

It's the sound produced
when a morbidly obese pigeon

flies into the window
of a foreclosed Old Navy.

"Drumpf."

It's the sound of a bottle
of store-brand root beer

falling off the shelf
in a gas station mini-mart.

And it may seem weird
to bring up his ancestral name,

but to quote Donald Trump,

"he should be proud
of his heritage."

Because Drumpf
is much more reflective

of who he actually is.

So if you are thinking
of voting for Donald Trump,

the charismatic guy promising
to make America great again,

stop and take a moment
to imagine how you would feel

if you just met a guy
named Donald Drumpf...

[laughter]

A litigious serial liar

with a string of broken
business ventures

and the support
of a former Klan leader

who he can't decide
whether or not to condemn.

Would you think he would
make a good president,

or is the spell
now somewhat broken?

And that is why tonight
I am asking America

to make Donald "Drumpf" again.

We've actually filed paperwork

to trademark the name Drumpf.

And incidentally,
when we own it,

I will have the best word.

[laughter]

And if you go
to donaldjdrumpf.com,

which we own, you can download

a Drumpfinator
Chrome extension

which will replace
the word "Trump"

with "Drumpf" wherever
it appears in your browser.

And you can also buy these

"Make Donald Drumpf Again" hats,

which we are selling at cost,

meaning we've chosen
not to make a profit,

a fact which will probably
irritate Mr. Drumpf

more than anything else
I've said tonight.

And if you're thinking,
"Well, that's all great,

"but I wish there was
a new campaign anthem

for Donald Drumpf,"
well, here it is now.

Here it is right now,
because listen...

man: ♪ Donald Drumpf,
Donald Drumpf ♪

- We cannot
keep getting blinded

by the magic of his name.

We need to see him
through fresh eyes,

so please don't think of him
as Donald Trump.

Think of him as something else.

man: ♪ Donald Drumpf,
Donald Drumpf ♪

- And don't vote for him
'cause he tells it like it is.

He's a bullshit artist.

Don't vote for him
'cause he's tough.

He's a baby
with even smaller fingers.

Don't vote him
because he's a builder.

He's more of a shitty
lifestyle brand.

[cheers and applause]

And that is our show.

Mr. Drumpf, I await
your lawsuit in the morning.

I have no doubt
the complaint will be signed

in gold Sharpie.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

man: ♪ Donald Drumpf,
Donald Drumpf ♪

♪ Donald Drumpf,
Donald Drumpf ♪

♪

[bright tone]