03x04 - Special districts

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[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin
with the U.S. election,

or as you may know it,

the Clowntown f*ck-the-World
Shitshow 2016.

This was a particularly big week
for the Republican Party,

with Donald Trump winning
seven states on Super Tuesday

and two more last night.

And while yesterday's wins
were a little narrower,

it does appear
that Republican voters have,

for the time being,

decided not to make
Donald Drumpf again.

In fact--in fact,

Trump's opponents
spent the week

seeming increasingly desperate.

- He's always calling me
"Little Marco."

And I'll admit, the guy--
he's taller than me.

He's, like, 6'2",
which is why I don't understand

why his hands are the size
of someone who's 5'2".

Have you seen his hands?

They're like this.

And you know what they say
about men with small hands.

[laughter]

You can't trust 'em.

- No, no,

that is not what they say
about men with small hands.

And if you can't say
the word "penis,"

don't imply the word "penis,"

because at that point,
it's not even an insult;

it's a Christian rock lyric.

[laughter]

But--but even as primary voters
embrace Trump,

the Republican establishment
is rejecting him

like a transplanted organ,

which is fitting,
as Trump does resemble

a kidney dropped on the floor
at a Supercuts.

But--but to truly reject
an organ,

you need white blood cells,

and the GOP called up

the whitest blood cell
of them all.

- Now, Donald Trump tells us
that he is very, very smart.

[laughter]

I'm afraid that when it comes
to foreign policy,

he is very, very not smart.

- Okay,

and that is very, very
not a very good insult.

But--but Romney--
Romney wasn't alone.

Prominent Republicans lined up
to publicly attack

their own party's front-runner.

- I'm just hopeful
that we aren't faced

with the possibility of having
Mr. Trump as our nominee.

- I cannot in good conscience
vote for him,

and I will not.

- If we nominate Donald Trump

and put him on a glide path
to the nomination,

Republicans will be committing
an abortion on their own party,

and it will be the end

of the Republican Party
as we know it.

- Holy shit!

You know
they're getting desperate

when they're just throwing in
their favorite buzzwords.

"He won't just be an abortion.

"He'll be a sharia law

"wrapped in a Benghazi-themed
gay wedding,

"and I mean it.

"I'm not understating that.

I mean it."

But--but Trump,
not surprisingly--

not surprisingly,

Trump hit back hard
at his critics

with his tiny
hamster-sized fists

during Thursday's debate.

- He referred to my hands--
if they're small,

something else must be small.

I guarantee you
there's no problem.

I guarantee.

- That's right.

Donald Trump
just talked about his d*ck

during a presidential debate,

a d*ck which I presume
looks like a Cheeto

with the cheese dust
rubbed off.

I presume.
That's a--that's a guess.

But do you know what?

I'm glad he brought it up,

mainly because
I now have an excuse

to play you something
that we didn't have time

to include last week,
specifically,

an audiobook excerpt
from his ex-wife Ivana's

"For Love Alone,"
a barely fictionalized account

of their marriage,
as read by Morgan Fairchild.

- Oh, that is horrible,

although,
whatever you think about that,

you can't say jizzing all over
your girlfriend's clothes

is not presidential, okay?

[laughter]

You can't say that.

But--but the Republican Party
wasn't just doing damage control

at the national level this week.

A number of local elections

also threw up
terrifying results.

Just look at Texas,
the Lone Star State,

in that a lone star
is what most people

would give Texas on Yelp.

This week--this week,
voters in Travis County, Texas,

voted for a Republican chairman,
and look who they picked.

Hadlock: Real anger tonight
after a man

many Republicans
consider to be vulgar and brash

just won control of their party
in Travis County.

- I'm not politically correct.

I'm politically incorrect.

I'm like Donald Trump
on steroids, sweetheart.

So get ready to have some fun
reading my Twitter feed.

- Ugh.

For a start,
that guy's overall look

can only be described as

"guy kicked out of your gym
for trying to smell women."

Although--although,
in his defense, I'll say this:

he's not overselling
his Twitter feed,

'cause in just the 48 hours
after his election,

he actually tweeted,

"I am the face
of the Re-Pube-Licking Party,"

and, "I like boobies,"
which is still nothing compared

to my absolute favorite
tweet of his, which read,

"If you Google 'Robert Morrow


"you get over 11,800,000 hits.

I'm just sayin',"

which, for the record,
is not true,

because we did it,
and we only got 472,000 hits.

Although interestingly,
if you Google,

"Robert Morrow


the results go up by 150,000.

But that's not the point.

That's not the point.

The point is,

this guy is now
an actual elected official,

chair of the Travis County
Republican Party.

This guy.

- Do you think Hillary Clinton
would swallow your come,

or would it be more of a
Lorena Bobbitt type situation?

George W. Bush
is like Rick Perry.

Both of them
are closet h*m*.

That's my personal opinion.

George Herbert Walker Bush
was being provided

young teen boys
to have sex with.

I think Barack Obama
is a gay man who got married.

Bill Clinton, serial r*pist.

Hillary Clinton,
rampaging bisexual adulterer.

Rick Perry,
rampaging bisexual adulterer.

- Yes, yes,
that all sounds appalling,

but to be fair,
the question he was asked was,

"What sounds
does Ann Coulter make

as she falls
down the stairs?"

So with that context,
he's not entirely wrong.

And look, he wasn't even
the only candidate to embarrass

the Republican Party
in Texas this week.

Let me introduce you
to Mary Lou Bruner,

a woman who,
based on her jacket,

I can only assume
was a member

of the 1996
women's gymnastics team.

Is she Kerri Strug?

I think she's Kerri Strug.

She's running
a successful campaign

for a place on the Texas State
Board of Education,

so let's find out
some more about her.

woman: Bruner has recently
come under fire online

for some passionately stated
opinions she holds,

including the idea
that global warming

was made up
to promote global socialism

and that President Obama paid
for a drug addiction in his 20s

through h*m*
prostitution.

- How do people think
that people on welfare

who also have a drug habit--

how do they think
they pay for their dr*gs?

Well, they steal.

They prost*tute themselves.

- Say what you will
about that woman.

I would read
any history textbook

she had a part in creating.

Wait, Teddy Roosevelt
fathered an illegitimate child

that was half human,
half bear?

Why did nobody tell me this?

Education is fun.

I yearn to learn.

[laughter]

And look, the Texas State
Board of Education

is not known for having

the least controversial
personnel in the country,

but she seems extreme,
even for them.

She's previously written
that the dinosaurs

were on Noah's ark
but went extinct afterward

because--and I quote--

"They may have been babies
and not able to reproduce.

"It might make sense to take
the small dinosaurs onto the ark

instead of the ones
bigger than a bus,"

which is clearly
scientifically wrong.

The reason
we don't have dinosaurs

isn't because they were
too small to have sex.

It's because
nobody fucks on a cruise.

The--the dinosaurs were probably
just too full from the buffet.

Crack a book, lady.

Crack a science book!

Now, to their credit,
Republicans were quick

to distance themselves
from both candidates,

with a current
school board member

saying Bruner would be
"a human rain delay"

and the Texas governor's office
issuing the statement,

"Robert Morrow in no way
speaks for the Republican Party

or its values."

But doesn't he, though?

Because in this election cycle,

it'd be a lot easier
to argue that your party

shouldn't be judged
by people who spread

weird Obama conspiracy theories
and brag about their dicks

if that didn't also
accurately describe

your presumptive nominee
for the presidency.

It's a weird election time
we're going through.

So let's move on
to Lands' End,

the clothing company so boring,

its name is literally
synonymous with "water."

the Lands' End catalog
has recently become

the source
of an unexpected scandal.

Jarvis: The retailer known for
glossy catalogs like this one

apologizing for what's inside
the new spring issue:

an interview with feminist,
journalist,

and political activist
Gloria Steinem.

- Yes, people were upset
over a Gloria Steinem interview

which featured
such incendiary quotes as,

"Dreams are bigger than goals,"

"Each person
is a unique miracle,"

and, "Lands' End is helping
people become themselves,"

which is absurd.

The only way Lands' End
helps people "become themselves"

is by providing a visual
expression of rock bottom,

because that is
a puffy coat with lapels.

f*cking lapels!

It's a puffy blazer!

If you see a loved one
wearing that,

don't just stand there;
comfort them.

It's a cry for help.

They're reaching out.

Actually, what upset
some Lands' End customers

wasn't so much
Steinem's interview

as one of her beliefs.

- To do a feature
on a pro-abortion feminist,

it's like,
"Why--why would you do that?"

Bigos: Pro-life customers
promising

to boycott the business

are flooding the company's
Facebook page.

woman: The company apologized
to customers who were offended,

and it has removed Steinem
from its website.

Lands' End says its goal
was to feature people

who have made a difference

and not to take a political
or religious stance.

- Oh, come on.

Apologizing for the interview
is taking a political stance.

And if you didn't
want to be religious,

maybe stop
making all your clothes

look like they're designed
for Mormon spring break.

Now, in an amazing added twist,

Steinem supporters
are now threatening

to boycott the company as well.

So, I guess,
congratulations, Lands' End.

With one pointless interview,
which incidentally

didn't even mention abortion,
you've done the impossible.

You've pissed off everyone
involved in the abortion debate.

I don't know how you did it.

But by the way,
since you are

apologizing about things,

how about apologizing
for this shirt

designed to look like
the blueprints of a sailboat

or whatever the f*ck this is?

It looks like something
an ER nurse

would wear to a book burning.

Or maybe apologize
for this beige sweater vest,

which--
and this is a fact--

you legally
are not allowed to own

unless you are a middle school
vice principal.

That's a legal fact.

But I guess--
I guess it does make sense

that Lands' End
backed down here,

because they know if a woman
truly has the right to choose,

the first thing
she'll choose to do

is to shop somewhere else
than Lands' End.

And now this:

- There's a new study out
that says women

are more attracted
to wide-faced men.

- Not to marry, though.

Just to...

- 'Cause...

[laughter]

- Go to Poughkeepsie,
if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- Viagra for men,
it's not just for the men,

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- She said they lost it
having a little honeymoon fun,

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- The only thing the guys do
of any value involving children

is getting the process started,
if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- If you're a husband who likes
to help your wife out

around the house,
it may not pay off,

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- They're giving it to you,

but then they're
giving it to you,

if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

- He wants to sow
some wild oats,

if you know what I mean.

- Let's just say it all
starts with a banana,

if you know what I mean.

- You have to heat it up
in different ways,

you know what I mean?

[laughter]

Gifford: Why don't you just
get yourself a nice dickey,

if you know what I mean?

- I don't know
what you mean.

[laughter]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns government,

sports for nerds.

These days, we are all focused
on the presidential race,

the biggest, most prominent
office in all of government,

but I would like to talk
about the opposite of that,

one of the smallest
and most obscure

forms of government:
special districts.

That's right.

Tonight we are talking

about special taxing districts,
so hello,

people watching
for the first time

because of our Trump piece,

and also, I presume,
good-bye.

Good-bye.

Thanks for checking in.

But just so you know,

special districts
are small units of government

with the power
to take tax dollars

to do one specific thing.

You've probably heard
of a fire district

or a water district,

but they can be set up
for almost any purpose,

and there are way more of them
than you think.

Berry: Special districts
over the past half century

have really proliferated
to the point

that we have about


in the country now,
and they account

for about $100 billion
of spending.

- $100 billion a year.

That is $16 billion more

than Russia spends
on its military.

And when you include
school districts,

special districts
are the most common form

of local government
in the country.

And that's crazy.

It's like finding out
the highest-paid athlete

in the world is Harold.

I mean,
who the f*ck is Harold?

What sport does he play?

Why don't people
talk about this all the time?

How am I only
hearing about Harold now?

You're making me feel a fool.

Special districts
are so ubiquitous

and sometimes have
so little accountability,

states may not even know
how many they have

or how much they spend.

A few years back,
Idaho launched

an investigation
of special districts,

with objective one being,

"identify how many
special districts

there are in Idaho."

And when Kentucky investigated,
its auditor found

that 40% of its districts
that were required to

didn't even file proper budgets.

- I mean, this is--
this is an extraordinary mess.

As one of my good friends says,
"You can't make this up."

$2.7 billion
system of government operating

because of a lack of oversight
and accountability

at almost every level
has been permitted to become

a level of ghost government.

- Yes, ghost government.

And that is the shittiest idea
for a ghost story

I've ever heard.

[laughter]

Aside, of course,
from "Ghost Dad,"

and that was a bad idea

before context changed the way
we felt about Bill Cosby

having the power
to walk through walls.

Before then,
it was a bad idea.

After,
it was horrifying.

But if you think about it,
it's a little weird,

in a country that talks so much
about government accountability,

that a huge amount
of our tax dollars

go to fund entities
that most of us

know absolutely nothing about.

You may not even know
how many districts

you are living in right now.

Berry: A school district may
overlap with a park district,

a water district,
a sewer district, and so on,

such that it wouldn't be
at all uncommon

for one person
to be finding themselves

within the boundaries of ten
or more of these districts.

- That's right.

Think of a special district
like a cult.

It can take your money,

and you may not even be aware
that you are in one.

Although it is
worth remembering,

in a special district,
allowing the leader

to impregnate you
is not mandatory,

no matter what the guy in charge
of the library district says.

No matter what he says
with his words or eyes.

[laughter]

And if you're thinking,

"Well, look,
what difference does it make

what districts I'm in?"

Well, it can actually
make a big difference.

- One person that we found
paid $1,000

as part of an irrigation
special district

that he lives in
in North Central Phoenix.

His neighbor literally
across the street

is not a part of that district.

Their special district bill
was $7.

$1,000 versus $7.

- Look, the only people
who should be paying

$1,000 more than their neighbors
across the street

are the assholes who cover
every square inch of their house

with Christmas decorations.

They should be taxed,

and then they should
be imprisoned,

and then they should be told

their lights were
"better last year,"

because it's that one
that would hurt them the most.

That's the one
that would sting.

And it is important
to note here,

in theory
and often in practice,

having small entities
with a single purpose

can be a great idea.

Take Litchfield,
New Hampshire.

In 2007,
they chose to create

a mosquito control district

to, you know,
control mosquitoes.

It's run by two men who,

as you will see from
an amazing YouTube video

of one of their public meetings,

are almost heartbreakingly
conscientious,

regardless of the fact

that there is no one else
in the room.

- Let's all stand
for the Pledge of Allegiance.

[laughter]

both: I pledge allegiance
to the flag

of the United States
of America

and to the republic
for which it stands,

one nation under God,
indivisible,

with liberty
and justice for all.

[laughter]

- Okay.

Chair will call the roll.

Uh, acting vice chair
Mr. Raccio.

- Present.

- And I'm here.

All members are present.

- Come on!

You have got to admire
their dedication to the rules.

These two men
are so scrupulous,

they would sit
at a broken red traffic light

for six hours
in the middle of the night.

"Hey, red is red.

"We live
in a civilized society.

Red is red.
We stay."

[laughter]

In fact, they ran

that 43-minute meeting
so meticulously,

they even took input
from the public,

with predictable results.

- Any members of the public
wishing to speak?

Seeing and hearing none.

[laughter]

- Look, I guess
when you're a member

of a ghost government,
it's only natural

your meetings
are gonna be attended

only by the ghost public.

Now, that is
the best-case scenario,

and many special districts
are like that,

chugging along just fine
with no major problems.

But some,
like the Isaacson

Municipal Utility District
in Texas, are not,

'cause an audit recently
discovered $70,000 in losses

and that the district
billed residents for water

with a disturbing consistency.

- We're not all professional
accountants or managers.

We may not have
looked at things

as closely as, maybe,
we should have.

Oberg:
IMUD has been billed

for 13,721,200
gallons of water

every year
for the last six years,

rain or drought or weather,
no change, same number.

- Now, no charges
have been filed there,

but that level of consistency
is weird.

The only time
the exact same amount of water

should appear in a document
year after year

is in Shamu's rider.

Yeah, Shamu gets


in his t*nk at all times,
and not a drop less.

He's a f*cking artist.

I'm obviously kidding.

You can keep him
in a wading pool if you want,

and if you want
to f*ck his blowhole,

that'll be an extra $20.

The point is,
thanks for visiting SeaWorld.

[laughter]

And--but--
but in Kentucky--

in Kentucky,
the lack of supervision

led to outright corruption,

with over $100,000
being fantastically misspent

by one former
assistant fire chief.

man:
The report claims

the Garrett Volunteer
Fire Department

in Floyd County
used taxpayer money

to buy things like
flat-screen televisions,

chewing tobacco,
and fireworks.

Investigators say
they also found

hundreds of pornographic videos
on department electronics.

- All right, all right,
porn and chewing tobacco

are obviously inappropriate,

but you know what really
upsets me the most there?

Fireworks.

They're a fire department.

That's like hearing EMTs
have been using their budget

to stage scissor races.

They're your natural enemy!

[laughter]

But that behavior was nothing
compared to what happened

in a fire district
in Rhode Island.

- You won't believe
the undercover video

we gathered
on the man in charge.

We spotted him
drinking during the day,

then driving
the fire department vehicle

back to work.

We even have him taking
the public safety vehicle

to party up on Federal Hill,

drinking and apparently
smoking marijuana.

- This is you smoking
what looks to be pot.

- A cigar maybe?

- You then share the cigar
with your friends there?

- I don't know.

- That's a cigar?

- Yes, it is.

- You know,
I got to tell you, Chief,

no one's gonna buy that.

- Eh.

No, no, I'm pretty sure
they'll definitely buy it.

That's a cigar,
just like that's flour

for when you want to bake
one tiny cookie.

That's honey for my tea.

I use a very specific amount.

And that's just some quartz
I keep laying around.

I love quartz.

[laughter]

And look,

corruption is not unique
to special districts.

There are clearly problems

in all other
forms of government as well.

But when special districts
only have one job,

it makes it all the more
noticeable when things go wrong.

Take Evergreen Park, Illinois.

The county it's in
has four different

mosquito abatement districts

to prevent the spread
of West Nile,

so it had to be humiliating
when this happened.

- The mayor of west suburban
Evergreen Park

came down with West Nile virus.

- The mayor
got f*cking West Nile!

Look, no one is expecting
a 0% failure rate here,

but if you're surrounded

by that many
mosquito abatement districts,

shouldn't there at least
be agents

willing to take
a mosquito for him?

Come on.

[laughter]

And one of
the most interesting ways

that special districts
are different

from any other
form of government

is how they can be created
seemingly out of thin air.

For instance, in Conroe, Texas,
a company was hoping to create

a new neighborhood
on undeveloped land.

They wanted to form
a special district

which could issue bonds.

Now, to do this,
the law required a vote,

but remember,
no one lived there yet.

So guess what they did.

McCulley:
When Tim Kellerman saw someone

installing a mobile home
next to his house recently,

he asked them
what's going on.

- He told me
it was none of my business.

McCulley: This man and his wife
moved in on Monday

and signed a nine-month lease
with Stingray Services.

After that,
he said they're moving out.

They're the only two people
who can vote

on $500 million worth of bonds
for the new housing project.

- Two people voting
for $500 million of bonds

and then leaving.

It's as if
in "The Lion King,"

Simba's father looked out
over the plains and said,

"Son, someday this will all
be someone else's problem,"

and they both f*cked off
and never came back.

[laughter]

And that whole process
is perfectly legal.

In fact,
this wasn't the only place

where Stingray Services
provided what they called

"'turn-key voter trailer'
election services."

They once even
advertised on Craigslist

with an ad reading,
"Eligible tenants will vote in

"and serve
as election officials

for the election
which takes place in the home."

Oh, that's right.

You're not just the only voters.

You're the election officials,

and your trailer
is the polling station.

It makes you wonder
why they didn't just throw in

some bullshit ballot initiatives
just for fun.

"Oh, and on the motion
that Jenna start cleaning out

"her f*cking hairbrush
'cause it's starting

to look like we have a cat,
we seem to be tied one to one."

[laughter]

And once--once
a special district is created,

you can be pretty sure

no one is going to be watching
what you do.

'Cause remember
that New Hampshire video?

When we found it on YouTube,
it had zero views.

Zero!

Meaning those two guys
themselves

didn't even watch it.

That is antiviral,
as videos go.

And voter accountability
is pretty unlikely too.

One county in New York
found turnout rates

for some special district
elections

could be as low as 1.8%,

which might be because
that county held,

on average,
one special district election

every 10.9 business days,

with not a single one
taking place on Election Day,

which just seems
inherently suspicious.

Think about it.

It would be a bit of a red flag

if someone in your neighborhood
offered children candy

every 11 days
but never on Halloween.

It would give you
pause for thought.

[laughter]

And even if the state government
does investigate,

special districts may try
to blow them off.

When that Kentucky auditor
started asking

his state's districts
about making their information

available to the public,

he got some pretty
unhelpful responses.

- Here's one.
Direct quote, by the way.

We didn't take
any liberties with these.

"This contains information

the public
is not entitled to know."

This is a good one.

"We don't want
to fill this out

because there are too many
crackpots in the world."

And my favorite,
"Well, we'd just rather

"the public contact us directly
to gain information

so we know who's asking."

- What?

You get the sense
their preferred mode of contact

would be an email to
fakeemailaddress@fuckoff.gov.

And--and by the way,
if, after hearing that,

some Kentuckians wanted
to shut a district down,

they might not be able to,
because as that auditor wrote,

"Many types of districts
may continue to exist

because there is not a process
for them to be dissolved."

There's no way to break them up.

They're like
Styrofoam packing peanuts

or the enduring friendship

of Jimmy Fallon
and Justin Timberlake.

They'll be with us
until the end of time.

[laughter]

Now, to be fair,
some states are pushing

to reform special districts.

California,
for instance,

has made them far more
transparent in recent years,

and a special districts
association in San Diego

even launched a competition
for schoolchildren

to create a one-minute video
educating the public about

"What's So Special
About Special Districts?"

The deadline was Tuesday,
and it had a $1,500 top prize.

And the reason I know that is,

we entered
with some local schoolkids,

and this is the result.

- Today's top story:
special districts.

What's so special about them?

- Special districts
are smaller governments

that collect taxes
to handle one specific service.

- Like fight fire
or provide water

or buy fireworks
or smoke cigars.

- Special districts
are special

because they can receive
little oversight.

- They're sometimes called
ghost governments.

- I used to be
afraid of ghosts,

but now I'm afraid of girls.

- Special districts
can also be very easy to create.

- Sometimes the only people
voting for them

are two people in a trailer
in the middle of nowhere.

- Hmm, they put two people
in a trailer in an empty field.

Sounds like my younger brother.

You know it's true, Declan.

You weren't wanted.

- Sometimes special districts
aren't so special, though.

- Like when
the mayor of a village

in a county with four
mosquito spraying districts

came down
with the West Nile virus.

- Come on.

- That would
barely be acceptable

if your town were near
the actual Nile.

- A river you think
so little about,

you don't even realize
that's not the Nile!

This is the Nile.

- But perhaps the most special
part about special districts

is how hard it is
to get rid of them.

- They're almost impossible
to destroy,

like Wolverine.

Even Superman
couldn't destroy Wolverine.

- Though obviously
they would never meet,

because that's
crossing universes.

- So, to recap,

special districts
take our money

and do whatever
they want with it

with little to no consequences.

- When I grow up,
I want to be a special district.

all: Yay!

And now this.

- That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.

Good night!

- I used to be afraid of ghosts,

but now I'm afraid of girls.

- I used to be afraid of ghosts,

but now I'm afraid of girls.

- Even Superman
couldn't destroy Wolverine.

Come on!

That would barely be acceptable.

If your town were near
the "actual" Nile, um...

- That's not the Nile.

This is the Nile right here.

[sighs]

- You know it's true,
Decla--Ducklan.

You weren't wanted.

[bright tone]