04x03 - Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), Republican replacement ideas

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver". Aired: April 27, 2014 – present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
Post Reply

04x03 - Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), Republican replacement ideas

Post by bunniefuu »

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

And unfor--
unfortunately, we must begin,

again, with President Trump,

two words that continue
to sound unnatural together,

like walrus porn

or Tilda Swinton.

Now, on Tuesday, Trump visited

the Museum of African American
History and Culture,

promising to unite
a divided country.

And if you didn't
hear about that,

it's probably because
it happened on the very same day

he did this.

- The Trump administration

this morning laying out plans

to aggressively crack down
on illegal immigration,

potentially sparking a steep
increase in deportations

and stoking fears among
immigrant communities.

- Okay, so that's upsetting

even by Donald Trump's
standards,

because normally, when he wants
to terrify an immigrant,

he just texts Melania,

"Coming home early.

Feeling horny."

Now--now, this new plan gives

ICE agents much greater latitude

in who they can
pursue and deport,

and it includes hiring


and immigration officers,

which might actually
be difficult,

as they've already had
so much trouble

finding qualified applicants,

there are currently
around 2,000 vacancies.

It seems immigration agent

is the hardest job to fill,

right after "personal assistant
to Mariah Carey."

"I want a limo for my dog

"and mirrors that make me look
like it's 1997.

Go get me them."

Now, many people were alarmed
by the new guidelines,

and it frankly didn't help
when the president seemed

to escalate the stakes
out of nowhere.

- We're getting really bad dudes
out of this country

and at a rate that nobody's
ever seen before.

And they're the bad ones.

And it's a military operation.

- Okay, okay, first,

please stop using the phrase
"bad dudes."

Please.

I understand that you're
trying to wean yourself off

"bad hombres,"

but it still feels like
a lateral move.

But more importantly,

what was that you said about
a military operation?

That is a casual way to mention

that you've deployed
the armed forces.

And luckily for everyone,
Emmy-winning actress

Melissa McCarthy was on hand

to set the record straight,

with the world's least
convincing explanation.

- The president was using that
as an adjective.

It's happening with precision.

- Okay, Mel, but presidents
really need to be

precise with language.

When you're the commander
in chief,

the term "military operation"
has consequences.

It's not just a meaningless word
you can throw around,

like "consultant"
or "superfood."

But please--please, please,
don't think that Trump

just went after immigrants
this week,

because he targeted
children too.

- Schools and students are
facing uncertainty today

after the Trump administration
withdrew federal guidance

on transgender bathroom use
in public schools.

- Yes, it seems one by one,
Trump is delivering

on his promise to
"Make entire subsets

"of the American citizenry
concerned about their safety

and well-being again!"

#MESOTACCATSAWBA.

But this is gratuitous
in so many ways.

The guidelines had already been
suspended last summer,

and there's a Supreme Court case

that may settle many
of these issues,

on top of which,
all the guidelines recommended

was that students
be called by their

preferred name and pronoun,

be allowed to use
the restrooms and locker rooms

consistent with their
gender identity,

and, regardless of gender,

be able to wear a tux to prom
or a dress in yearbook photos,

which is a good rule.

If the government wants to
address an actual problem

with yearbooks,

maybe ban quotes
by Dave Matthews.

Oh, really, Dylan?

You've got so much to say?

Evidence is stacking up
to the contrary.

And look, as we've discussed
before on this show,

anti-transgender rules
like bathroom bills

are almost always rooted in
deep sexual fear-mongering:

the idea that they would
provide cover for predators

to sneak into ladies'
locker rooms,

despite the fact there is
virtually no evidence

of that happening.

What there are reports of

are of Trump himself barging in
on women and teenagers

who competed in his pageants
while they changed,

something that,
in characteristic style,

he has both denied and been
recorded on tape bragging about.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, you do seem to sort of
get away with it,

which is exactly why,

if we really want to protect
women from predators,

let's stop wasting our time
with pointless,

vindictive bathroom laws

and instead launch
a "military operation"

to ban the president himself
from women's rooms nationwide.

And now this.

[trumpets swell]

- So I'm told that if the light
would hit him just right,

Thomas Jefferson had red hair.

So there's your first
redheaded president.

Hey, you know what?

Our buddy Joe Iavelli ran in
the New York City Marathon.

He didn't break any records,
but, you know, he ran,

he finished.

So way to go.
That is great.

That's Julie's husband.

One, two, three, four.

Four tattoos in the studio.

And there's only
two people here.

Uh, no, I'm kid--kidding.

[stammering]
Do you have a tattoo?

You know, I'd love to do a duet
with John Lithgow.

Terrific singer.

I love Ice-T in the commercial
where they--"Ice-T?"

"No, it's lemonade."

I love clip-on ties.

Remember clip-on ties
when you were a kid?

I love that.

I, uh, posted a picture of
my mom on Facebook this week.



Ban?

Does anybody wear Ban,

uh, Roll-On anymore?

With pizza, it's all
a function of geometry.

[stammering]
And the thickness,

and then the angle,

and then when you fold it--

so yeah, there's really
an art to that.

"Jerry Maguire" or
"Weekend at Bernie's"?

I can't decide.

[laughter]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight is
the Affordable Care Act,

also known as Obamacare,

or in emails from your uncle
as, "Forward, forward, forward,

the Communist takeover
of American values."

For years now,
Obamacare has been

the bane of Republicans'
existence.

- If Obamacare is ever
implemented and enforced,

we will never recover from it.

- This bill is an affront
on the moral--

morality of the provision
of American health care.

- Obamacare is the worst piece
of legislation ever.

- Yes, the worst piece
of legislation ever.

So good news,
Fugitive sl*ve Act.

You're finally off the hook!

But now, with--with Republicans
controlling both

the White House and Congress,

they've gone from talking about
repealing Obamacare

to potentially being
able to do it.

Already, the House and Senate
have passed budget resolutions

to start the process,

and at least one member is
positively giddy about it.

- A little over six years ago,

I lived in
a pretty decent house.

And one day I heard a knock
on the door.

And before I knew it,

my colleagues from
the other side of the aisle

had let a goat loose
in my house.

Now, for six years,
that goat has been messing in

and destroying my house.

I want to renovate my house,
but before I can,

I have to get the goat
out of the house

before it does any more damage.

It makes no sense to start
fixing up my house

until we get the goat out.

Voting for the fiscal year '17
budget resolution

gets this goat out of my house.

- That is so specific,

there is just no way that goat
incident didn't actually happen.

I bet he brings it up
all the time.

"Mr. Speaker, NAFTA is like when
you're half-asleep one morning;

"you put your arm around what
you think is your wife,

"but lo and behold,
it's that goat again.

"And you wonder, why is it
wearing my wife's perfume?

Get this goat out
of my house, y'all!"

And yet, all week long,

Republicans have been dealing
with an unexpected problem:

constituents at town halls

furious that Obamacare
might be taken away.

- I can tell you three members
of my family, including me,

that would be dead.

Dead and homeless...

if it was not for ACA.

[cheers and applause]

- Yes.

Apparently, that annoying
Obamacare "goat in the house"

turned out to be
a licensed physician

who's been saving lives,

and a lot of people do not
want her to go anywhere.

And yes, I said "her."

Oh, I'm sorry, you assumed
that goat doctor was a man?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

#LadyGoatsCanBeDoctors.

#Feminism.

And look, that tone is
actually a big shift,

because if you remember
eight years ago,

people were absolutely terrified
about what Obamacare might mean.

- This is the stepping stone
for com--

for a takeover like communism--

like Hitler did in Germany.

- Obama's a Marxist socialist.

- No!
Don't do this to us!

- You dirty thieves!

- You want to k*ll
my grandparents,

you come through me first!

- Look, relax.

President Obama did not want to
k*ll that guy's grandparents.

And if he did, he wouldn't have
used health insurance.

He'd have just ordered
a drone strike

and then declared them
enemy combatants.

That was his style.

So tonight,
let's look at Obamacare:

what it does, what needs fixing,

and how Republicans plan
to replace it.

And before we start,
it's worth remembering

just how bad things were
before it was passed.

Nearly 49 million Americans
had no coverage,

and if you were buying
for yourself,

insurers could deny anyone
they considered too risky.

Some denied entire professions,
like air traffic controllers,

taxi cab drivers,
and scuba divers.

And this baby was denied
coverage at just four months old

for an unexpected
preexisting condition.

- His parents decided to apply
for individual health coverage

for Alex,
but they were turned down--

not because of his age,

but because he was too fat.

- Am I supposed to put
my child on a diet?

Put him on a treadmill?
Of course not.

He's an infant.

- Look, yes, I understand
that you're upset.

But think about it--

he's never going to lose
the weight with that attitude.

But the--the point here is,
Obamacare was an attempt

to solve those problems.

It made it illegal
to deny people coverage,

uh, because of
pre-existing conditions.

Uh, it let people stay on their
parents' plans until age 26.

It made preventive screenings
free for everyone

and created marketplaces where
people could shop for insurance

with potential subsidies.

And between all that
and Medicaid expansion,

more than 20 million people
gained coverage,

putting our uninsured rate
at a historic low.

[cheers and applause]
And yet--and yet--

for many people,
like this woman,

whose treatment for
breast cancer was covered

under Obamacare, the law was
just always too closely

associated with the man
responsible for it.

- I absolutely detest hearing
the words Obamacare.

- [unintelligible]
- Detest it!

It just should have
been given...

a more proper name.

Why be named after
our president?

- Okay, well, to be clear,
it did have a proper name.

It was the Patient Protection
and Affordable Care Act.

But that does go to show you

it matters what people
call something.

Would Emma Stone be as popular

if her real name was
Blump Shartcracker?

No, no, so it's--

that's--that's why it's good
that she changed it.

And some of
the early accusations

hurled against Obamacare
still linger.

Just this month,
a Republican official,

Bill Akins in Florida, threw out
this classic at a town hall.

- Here's the problems I have

with the Affordable
Health Care Act.

Number one, there is
a provision in there

that anyone over the age of 74

has to go before what is
effectively a death panel.

[indistinct shouting]
Yes, they do.

Yes, they do.

It's in there, folks.

You're wrong.

[indistinct shouting]
- Liar!

- Okay, children.
All right, children.

[indistinct shouting]

It is a death panel.

Who here has read
the Affordable Health Care Plan?

I seriously doubt that.

- What the f*ck are you
talking about?

The notion of "death panels"
isn't just a lie,

it's PolitiFact's 2009
"Lie of the Year,"

which is impressive,
considering that in 2009,

America was also repeatedly told

Jason Mraz was
the next big thing.

We were lied to
in a big way there.

And look,
Obamacare is not perfect.

It had, and has,
serious flaws.

The Healthcare.gov website
was broken on day one,

and the president famously made
a very misleading promise.

- If you like your doctor,

you will be able to keep
your doctor, period.

If you like your
health care plan,

you'll be able to keep your
health care plan...

period.

- The truth is,
no one can promise that.

Insurers drop policies

and doctors change networks
all the time.

That is as empty a promise as
a father telling his daughter,

"I will always keep you safe,
period."

Really, Dad?
What about bees?

What about angry swarms of bees?

Be honest and say,
"I'll try to keep you safe,

but these bees are
not f*ckin' around."

And there've been
practical problems, too.

Some plans have deductibles
so high,

they're essentially unusable.

And in many places,
premiums have increased sharply,

and some insurers
have dropped out,

although that was partly thanks
to Republicans gutting a program

in the original bill that
helped protect insurers

from unexpected losses.

And that has been something
of a pattern here.

Republicans have happily
complained about the flaws

in the law,

taken no responsibility
for fixing them,

and in fact have often
undermined the whole thing.

But that time is now over.

It is their turn
to present a plan,

and the clock is ticking.

Insurance companies are deciding
right now whether to even offer

Obamacare plans next year.

But before you panic,

there are ads on TV right now

suggesting the Republicans
have been working on something

pretty special.

- Imagine a new path forward:

health insurance that provides
more choices and better care

at lower costs.

House Republicans have a plan
to get there

without disrupting
existing coverage,

giving your family
the health care it deserves.

- Well, that sounds nice.

But it is a little worrying that

that ad is literally
encouraging you

to "imagine" a better
health care plan.

"Close your eyes.

"Dream of a better way forward.

"Now open your eyes,

"and tell us what
you came up with,

'cause we've got
f*cking nothing."

And--and if you think
I'm kidding there,

that ad ends with "learn more
at ABetterHealthCarePlan.com,"

but if you go there,
this is the entire website:

a single page with just
two sentences of text

and the f*cking ad again.

And if you click on the ad,

it'll send you back
to the website,

and so on, and so on, and so on,

until you don't even want
health care,

because you're begging for
the sweet relief of death.

Every time you get
near something

resembling a Republican plan,

it seems to just recede
into the distance.

In January, Trump said he was
working on one and that it was

"very much formulated down
to the final strokes."

But watch what happened
when Tom Price,

his secretary of Health
and Human Services,

was asked about it
at his confirmation hearing.

- President Trump said
he's working with you

on a replacement plan
for the ACA,

um, which is nearly finished
and will be revealed

after your confirmation.

Is that true?

- It's true that
he said that, yes.

- Ha ha ha,
ha ha ha ha!

It's funny because the president
lies to us all the time

with no repercussions!

That's--I see what the joke
we're laughing at is.

Oh, dear.

If you need any more proof

of how unprepared
Republicans are right now,

let me show you one of
the draft bills they circulated.

It is just seven pages long,

and it ends abruptly with
the word "placeholder."

And one member of Congress
actually tried to spin that

as a positive.

- This placeholder provides
the clearest signal yet

that we're working with patients
and health care groups

to draft language that balances

important health status
protections

with necessary risk
mitigation tools.

- Oh, please.

If your spouse gave you
a birthday card

that said "placeholder,"
that would not be a signal

they're working on
the best language

to express their feelings
for you.

It would signal
they forgot your birthday

because they're f*cking Sharon
from the office.

And deep down, I think
you actually know that.

The best sense we currently have
of what Republicans want to do

is from previous plans from
both Price and Paul Ryan

and from these talking points
that Ryan gave out

ahead of
the congressional recess.

You're going to be hearing
a few phrases from this

a lot in the coming months,

so let's take a moment
to understand

what they actually mean.

And let's start with
the big one,

which Ryan has been
talking up a great deal.

- What we believe is
the right way to go,

which is what our plan is,

are refundable tax credits
for people to go--

be able to buy
affordable coverage.

- Yes, "refundable tax credits":

basically, free money to help
pay your premiums,

which is a little surprising
coming from Paul Ryan,

a man who probably tips waiters
by writing on the check,

"Find a job the market has
deemed has more value."

But--but you should know this
document suggests tax credits

would be based on age,
not income,

meaning theoretically,


Bill Gates

would get a bigger subsidy
than a 27-year-old

making minimum wage.

And Gates clearly does not
need that money.

He'll just blow it
on more $10 haircuts

and orthopedic sweaters.

But the real risk here is
subsidies ending up too small

for those who need them
the most.

Tom Price once proposed a credit
of $1,200

to peoples aged, uh, 18 to 35,

and $3,000 to people 50 and up,

which is roughly
a third the cost

of the most bare-bones plans
on the market today.

A tax credit that small helps
cover your health insurance

the way a thong covers
your dad's ass.

It doesn't, and
there's something that is

fundamentally wrong about that.

Now--now, the next
big term in here

is "health savings accounts,"
or HSAs:

tax-free accounts where
you can save money

to pay for health care costs.

Republicans love these things.

- In your experience,
why do these savings accounts--

why are you pushing
so hard for them?

Why do you think
they're effective?

- Because you're spending
your own money

as opposed to someone else's.

It is like when my daughter goes
to the mall with my credit card

or when I go to the mall
with my credit card.

Our purchases come back
quite different.

- Okay, setting aside
that health care

is nothing like
shopping at the mall,

shouldn't you come back
with different purchases

than your daughter regardless
of whose credit card you have?

If you came back from the mall
with a tongue ring,

a bottle of manic panic
hair dye,

and a "Yas Queen" crop top,

it would raise
a lot of questions

having nothing to do
with health care.

Now, the key problem with HSAs
should be obvious here.

They're great for rich people.

They're basically a tax shelter.

But if you're too poor to save

or you get sick enough to blow
through what you've saved,

you're not going to be covered,

and you have that
thong problem again.

And people seem
to understand that.

Just listen to the reaction

when Joni Ernst tried bringing
them up at a town hall.

- No, no!
[indistinct shouting and booing]

- That is
an appropriate reaction

when your problem is,
"I don't have enough money"

and the proposed solution is,

"Well, if you ever do, here's
a very fancy piggy bank."

So--so let's move on to another
key idea: block grants,

a phrase perfectly designed
to bore you,

'cause it combines block,
the most nothing shape,

with Grant, your co-worker's
nothing boyfriend.

"I don't believe we've met."

"Yes, we have, six times.
I'm Grant."

Paul Ryan wants to use
block grants to fund Medicaid,

which largely provides health
care to the poorest Americans.

Basically, he wants to stop
guaranteeing to pay each state

a percentage of
their Medicaid costs

and instead just send them
a fixed block of money.

But if costs start to rise

and the block grant doesn't
keep pace, guess what?

It's that thong.

Thong, thong, thong,
thong, thong.

And--and you should know,
a few years ago,

Ryan proposed a block-grant
program that a study estimated

could kick as many as


over a decade.

That's a kind of evil
so chillingly banal,

you just don't see it coming.

It's like if you found out that
Grant was a serial k*ller.

"I k*ll in plain sight,

"for none can remember my face.

"I am Grant.

We've now met seven times."

But now let's move on

to the final big
talking point here,

and I'll let Paul Ryan explain.

- We believe that
state high-risk pools

are a smarter way
of guaranteeing coverage

for people with
pre-existing conditions.

- Yes, high-risk pools.

Now, they may sound like
something you find

at Jeremy Piven's house,

but what they actually do

is isolate the sickest people
in their own insurance group.

Now, in theory,
this brings everyone else's

insurance rates down,

but there is an obvious
problem here again.

Those pools are going to be
incredibly expensive,

which is fine, if the government
subsidizes them properly.

But if it doesn't,
that's right,

it's thong o'clock, everybody.

Because three years ago,
a study estimated that

adequately funding
high-risk pools,

just to maintain Obamacare
levels of coverage,

would cost around $178 billion
a year.

Guess how much Tom Price
set aside?

$3 billion over three years.

That is 1/178th
of what is needed.

Imagine you asked for 178 pounds
of grade-A premium hunk.

But instead of Chris Evans,

someone brought you six
of his severed toes.

Well, Tom Price's plan
is six severed hunk toes.

So--so those are
the four big b*llet points.

But perhaps the most revealing
thing about this document

is not what's inside it,
but what is not in there,

because there is no replacement
for the individual mandate,

Obamacare's requirement that you
have insurance or pay a penalty.

And it is the thing
that people hate the most.

- The individual mandate
is unconstitutional.

- We got to get rid of
the individual mandate.

I believe that is
a freedom-k*lling part

of the Affordable Care Act.

- Out the gate,
that should be repealed.

Get rid of the individual
mandate.

- Who's got two thumbs and
hates the individual mandate?

This f*cking guy.

But--but the mandate
keeps younger,

healthier people in the system,

which is crucial to lower
the cost for everyone else

and to keep in
popular provisions like,

among other things,
not punishing fat babies.

The--the Republicans' solution
is to make it really painful

for you to get insurance again

if you drop it at any point
for any reason.

They use
the positive-sounding term

"continuous coverage incentive,"

but it has to involve
some kind of penalty--

maybe a higher premium
or even denial of coverage.

And they are not keen to talk
about details there.

Remember the "placeholder"
from earlier?

That was in place
of an explanation

of the continuous
coverage incentive.

Basically,
this is a subject so toxic,

they'd rather just go
abruptly silent,

much like when you're
a white person singing karaoke

and you realize, "Uh-oh,
We have an N-word coming up."

[laughter]

So, Republicans are
in a real bind here.

They need a plan and soon,

and what Price and Ryan
have given them so far

seems to shift costs from
the government to the people

and from the healthy
to the sick,

and fewer people are
going to be covered.

So good luck fixing that,
Republicans.

Oh, and there's actually
one more problem here,

because you remember how much
shit you gave President Obama

for saying you can
keep your doctor?

Ah, let me remind you what
Donald Trump has promised

that you are going to do.

- Everybody's got to be covered.

This is an un-Republican
thing for me to say,

because a lot of times
they say, "No, no,

the lower 25%, they can't
afford private, but--"

- Universal health care?

- I am going to take care
of everybody.

I'm--I don't care if it
costs me votes or not.

Everybody's gonna be
taken care of,

much better than they're
taken care of now.

- Who pays for it?

- The government's
gonna pay for it.

But we're going to save so much
money on the other side.

But for the most part, it's
going to be a private plan,

and people are gonna be able
to go out and negotiate

great plans with lots
of different competition,

with lots of competitors,
with great companies--

and they can have their doctors.

They can have their plans.
They can have everything.

- "They can have everything!"
Period!

So anything short of that
is a disaster.

And insurers are gonna need
an answer soon, Republicans,

so tick-tock, m*therf*ckers,

'cause you don't get
to placeholder your way

out of this one again.

And now this.

[trumpets swelling]

- How weird--my nephew Will Carr

hangs around with
John Grisham's kid.

Now, fun little fact:

my beloved late father's
first cousin, growing up,

they were buddies--
they're cousins--

he was a close friend
of Ronald Reagan's.

Fun fact: Bridget Moynahan
watches channel two.

She's probably watching
right now.

Sweet as they come, uh, and
we appreciate her tuning in.

I love "Madam Secretary."
It's a great show.

I met Tim Daly at
an auto show once.

Lionel Richie is
just a nice guy.

He's been in here.
He's a nice guy.

I just like the Peyton Manning
commercials.

He just seems like
such a nice guy.

I actually met Norman Lear in
the cafeteria downstairs here.

Nicest guy ever.

And here at the CBS
broadcast center,

we have pictures around
the building

of some of the great
Norman Lear hits.

It was a very nice moment.

Nice guy.
He had a salad.

[laughter]

- And finally tonight, a few
words about the Supreme Court,

America's most respected adult
assisted living community.

Now, as--as you probably know,

there is currently a vacancy,

following the death
last February of Antonin Scalia.

And just a few weeks ago,

President Trump announced
his nominee.

- In a primetime reveal,

President Trump unveiling judge
Neil Gorsuch

as his nominee
to the Supreme Court.

- Yes, Neil Gorsuch,
a man so blandly handsome,

it feels like you saw him
on page 14

of any JCPenney's catalog

or as second lead in
an erectile dysfunction ad.

He is--he is
aggressively Caucasian.

He's like a white Tim Kaine.

But--but there is--
there is a lot for Democrats

to be annoyed about here.

Not only is Gorsuch
extremely conservative,

Republicans basically
stole this seat,

because Merrick Garland,

who Obama nominated


wasn't even given a hearing.

So the debate now is whether
to filibuster Gorsuch

or confirm a man whose place
on the Supreme Court

will always have
an asterisk on it,

which actually puts our show
in a tricky position as well.

As you may know, we have
an all-dog Supreme Court

to reenact oral arguments,

since cameras are not allowed
in the courtroom.

When Merrick Garland
was nominated, we held a vote

to choose his dog and you,
the people, chose Molly.

Sadly, Molly never got to serve.

She's on a farm upstate with
a lot of grass and toys

to play with, not unlike
the actual Merrick Garland.

So, technically, we should be
finding a dog for Gorsuch now.

But we're not going to do that.

Instead, to reflect the fact
that Gorsuch's nomination

is a historical aberration,

he will be getting an animal
that will constantly remind us

that it has no place
in that spot on a dog court.

What I'm saying is,

Gorsuch is getting a lobster.

That's right, we're going
"paws and claws"

up in this piece.

But we still need your help

to pick a lobster Gorsuch.

So tonight, we're asking you
to advise and consent

on the choice between these
three glorious lobster justices,

all of whom,
like Neil Gorsuch himself,

have absolutely no business
being here.

First up,
there is Cindy Clawford,

a strict constructionist

who believes that life begins
at the piercing of the abdomen

with the first pair of pleopods.

In the middle, there's
Pinchers Von Shellington III,

a staunch opponent
of judicial activism

who pairs beautifully with
a light tarragon cream sauce.

And finally, there's Mike.

His teeth are actually a gastric
mill located in his stomach,

and he's just a f*cking lobster.

So choose wisely, America,

because this is
a lifetime appointment,

and lobsters can apparently live
to be up to 100 years old.

Who knew?

So visit our Twitter feed

and choose Cindy Clawford,
Pinchers, or Mike.

Or tweet your thoughts

using the hashtag
#ClawAndOrder.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

We will see you next week.

Goodnight.

[cheers and applause]

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪
Post Reply