04x15 - 2017 United Kingdom general election and Brexit negotiations

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[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver, thank you
so much for joining us,

and let's dive straight in
with the latest installment

in what we're calling
Stupid Watergate,

something with all the potential
national shame of Watergate,

brought to you
by people too stupid

to grasp the concept of shame.

Now, this week,
former FBI director

and worst person to sit behind
in a movie theater,

James Comey,
got everybody's attention.

- Breaking news tonight:
striking revelations

and allegations
from James Comey, under oath,

telling Congress
he has no doubt he was fired

because of
the Russia investigation.

- Now,
it was undeniably dramatic,

but the notion
that Comey was fired

because of
the Russia investigation

isn't actually new
or controversial.

It is easy to forget,

but Trump himself
suggested as much

in an interview
just a month ago,

so it's more a known fact

that many people choose
to ignore,

like a pet snake
is a character flaw

or DJs aren't doing anything
up there.

But nevertheless, James Comey,

the result of
a mall security guard's

drunken hookup with an oak tree,

did testify before

the senate
intelligence committee,

and within three minutes,

he had forcefully addressed

Trump's initial excuse
for firing him.

- Saying that the organization
was in disarray,

that it was poorly led,

that the workforce had lost
confidence in its leader--

those were lies,
plain and simple.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

Hold on there,
'cause let's be honest here,

Donald Trump's lies
are never plain and simple.

Each one is like
an Everlasting Gobstopper:

you'll never make it
through every layer

because it was produced
by an insane person

who should never be in charge
of anything.

You're a good candy man, Willy,
but the Oompa-Loompas

have been sh1tting
in the chocolate river,

and you're about to leave
your estate

to the only child
you didn't nearly m*rder today.

You have no business
running a factory.

And that was just one
of many times

Comey questioned
the president's credibility.

Just listen
to the amazing reason

that Comey gave
for taking detailed notes

on his meetings with Trump.

- I was honestly concerned
that he might lie

about the nature of our meeting,

and so I thought it
really important to document.

- He is describing
his meeting with the president

like a person who thought
he was about to be m*rder*d.

"All of a sudden, we were alone,

"so I texted my location
to a friend

and tried to get some of his DNA
under my fingernails."

[laughter]

And look, it is a good thing

that Comey,
a disgruntled giraffe

who was somehow cursed
by a warlock

to head the FBI, did take notes,

because some of his encounters
with the president

got pretty weird,
like the infamous dinner

where Trump allegedly asked
for his loyalty.

- How unusual is it to have

a one-on-one dinner
with the president?

Did that strike you as odd?

- Yeah, so much so
that I assumed

there would be others,

that he couldn't possibly
be having dinner with me alone.

- Yeah.

He was tricked
into a one-on-one dinner

with Donald Trump,
which is definitely

not the first time
that that has happened.

Comey is just lucky, frankly,
that Trump didn't try and pull

the old "hole in a bucket
of popcorn" trick.

And look, look, let's--
let's all admit,

it is also better to have
a dinner alone with Trump

than have Jared Kushner there
too,

just staring at you silently
with his creepy, dead eyes.

"Oh, is that you, Jared?

"I thought you were a painting

of an orphan
from the Great Depression."

[laughter]

But the truth is,
the most tantalizing moment

may turn out to be the things

that Comey didn't or wasn't able
to say,

like in this exchange.

- Do you believe Donald Trump
colluded with Russia?

- That's a question
I don't think I should answer

in an open setting.

- "Yeah, I can't answer
that question here,

"although I have been screaming
the word 'yes'

"into this paper bag
for the last four weeks,

"which I can submit as evidence
to the committee if required.

I will, however, need to be
provided with a new scream bag."

Now, Comey declining to answer

doesn't necessarily mean
there's anything there.

He could just be operating
out of an abundance of caution,

but there was a moment

where he seemed to hint
at something new,

and it came when discussing
the FBI's lack of surprise

at Attorney General
Jeff Sessions recusing himself

from the Russia investigation.

- Our judgment, as I recall,
was that he was very close to,

and inevitably going to,
recuse himself

for a variety of reasons.

We also were aware of facts

that I can't discuss
in an open setting

that would make
his continued engagement

in a Russia-related
investigation

problematic.

- Now,
that
sounds like a big deal.

If someone asks you

if you've ever had sex
with a turtle,

and you say,
"There are facts about that

I can't discuss
in an open setting,"

the answer is yes,

and the closed setting
you'd prefer to discuss it in

is Eggs-List.com,
a message board

for finding hot, freshly hatched
turtles to have sex with.

Now, all in all,
Comey's testimony appears

pretty damaging
for the White House,

and in the immediate aftermath,

even Fox News was struggling
to spin any positives.

- Politically, I thought it was
very damaging to the president.

- I am concerned
after hearing Jim Comey today.

It was far stronger,
more credible, and more damning

than the statement we got
from Jim Comey yesterday.

- I think
this sort of brings home

the question of
the president's credibility,

which is always a big loss.

- Wow, that is not good,
although at this point,

saying something
"damaged Trump's credibility"

is kind of like saying,

"That graffiti is a real eyesore

on that pile of dead pigeons."

But as--
as for the president himself,

he was notably silent
the day of the hearing

but sent a tweet early
the next morning that began,

"Despite so many
false statements and lies,

total and complete
vindication,"

and just think
about what he's saying there.

Trump is essentially claiming
that he's been vindicated

by testimony
he's claiming is false.

At this point, he's become
a walking logical paradox.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised

if he just starts tweeting
things like,

"I just traveled back in time
and k*lled myself. Very unfair!"

And in a press conference
later that day,

Trump reiterated his claim
that Comey had lied,

which prompted
an obvious question.

- Would you be willing
to speak under oath

to give your version--

- One hundred percent.

- So if Robert Mueller wanted
to speak with you about that--

- I would be glad to tell him

exactly what I just told you,
Jim.

- Holy shit.

Trump just volunteered
to testify under oath,

putting himself in a situation

where it's his word
against Comey's,

and it was notable
that for all the pushback

Republican senators gave Comey,

they never once questioned
his honesty and his integrity

or challenged
his characterization of Trump

as a liar,

so why did Trump just seem
to expose himself like that?

I don't know.

I cannot explain his behavior.

Jane Goodall could not explain
his behavior.

She could watch Trump
for a decade

and eventually conclude,
"I don't know.

"I think
it's a cocktail of insecurity,

"horniness, and malice,

"but which is in control
of which is beyond me.

"I miss the integrity
and emotional intelligence

of the apes."

But perhaps
the most infuriating response

to Comey's revelations this week

came from
House Speaker Paul Ryan,

a man who proves
that you can live

a normal, healthy life
without a spine,

because Ryan's explanation
was truly pathetic.

- The president's new at this.

He's new to government,

and so
he probably wasn't steeped

in the long-running protocols
that establish the relationships

between DOJ, FBI,
and White Houses.

He's just new to this.

[crowd groans and laughs]

- There are so many problems
with what he just said,

but the main one is that
there are undeniably times

when the excuse
"he's new to this" is fair.

If you work at a daycare,
and on your first day,

you mix up the three Olivias,
no big deal.

You're new here.

But if on your first day,
you set up a baby fight club,

that is not okay,

and you should've known that
before you started.

And a president attempting

to shut down an investigation
into a subordinate

is pretty firmly
the latter option here,

and you want their supervisors
to look into that,

even if the first rule
of Baby Fight Club

is that you cannot talk
about Baby Fight Club

in an open setting.

And now this.

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[laughter]

♪ ♪

[playing patriotic music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns the United Kingdom,

the country that's been saying,
"Yas, Queen" for centuries.

We've been saying it
for centuries.

Yas, Queen, yas!

Yas, Queen!

Now, the UK held
a national election this week.

There wasn't actually due
to be one for three years,

but Prime Minister Theresa May
called it early.

It's called a snap election,

and she did it
to consolidate her power,

although it didn't quite
work out that way.

- A disaster for the UK
prime minister tonight.

Theresa May's Conservatives
suffering a stunning setback.

- Her goal of
securing a stronger hand

for Brexit negotiations
has backfired spectacularly.

The snap general election has
ended with a hung parliament.

- Yes, this was a clusterfuck,

or to be more precise,

a crumpet-f*ck
of epic proportions.

Theresa May is hanging on
to her job by a thread.

So to stay in power,
she's attempting to cut

a distasteful deal with the DUP,

a hard-line, anti-gay,

anti-abortion party
in Northern Ireland,

which has opened her up
to even more criticism.

Meanwhile, there are rumors
of a leadership challenge

from within her own party
by Boris Johnson,

a grown man
who perpetually looks

like a seven-year-old
who's just spun in circles

for two minutes
and is about to throw up,

and while Theresa May did manage

to win reelection
in her own constituency,

even that came
with some humiliation,

and let me explain:

British politics has
a proud tradition

of having all candidates
standing together on the stage

when the results are announced,
even joke candidates,

which means
that on election night,

as her party was dealt
a massive blow,

the prime minister, here,
had to stand on stage

alongside Elmo,
who got three votes,

as well as Howling Laud Hope

of the Monster Raving
Loony Party,

who got 119 votes,

and if you've noticed this guy,

wait till you hear his name.

[laughter]

- Oh--oh, you can roll your eyes
all you like, Theresa.

Your evening just found a way
to get a lot worse.

And for the record,
Lord Buckethead is this guy,

an intergalactic space lord
who ran on a platform of,

among other things,
the abolition of the Lords,

brackets, "except me,"

and "stop selling arms
to Saudi Arabia;

start buying lasers
from Lord Buckethead."

And he did this
all while looking

like Darth Vader f*cked
an Amazon Echo.

What I'm saying is--
what I'm saying is,

British politics,
when done well,

can be very fun.

So--so how did Theresa May
suffer such a setback

in an election
that just two months ago

she was predicted to win
in a landslide?

Well, among other things,

she ran a campaign
full of mistakes, flip-flops,

and uninspiring moments
like this.

- What's the naughtiest thing
you ever did?

- Oh, goodness, me.

Well, I suppose...

Gosh, do you know,
I'm not quite sure.

I have to confess,
when me and my friends

sort of used to run
through the fields of wheat,

the farmers weren't too pleased
about that.

[laughter]

- The naughtiest thing
you've ever done

is run through a wheat field?

I cannot imagine a scenario
when that is ever naughty

unless you're doing it
while high on PCP

and f*cking a cantaloupe.

Now, one of the beneficiaries
of the election

was May's key opponent,
Jeremy Corbyn.

He and Britain's Labor party

vastly outperformed
expectations,

despite taking
some rough treatment

from the British tabloids,
so this was

a genuinely impressive
performance for Corbyn,

only slightly undercut
by one awkward moment

with a fellow party leader.

- Mr. Corbyn was beaming
as he arrived

at his own count
in Islington last night,

though his high-five
with Emily Thornberry

went a touch too far, perhaps.

[crowd groans]

- That--
that's not ideal.

That's not ideal.

A celebratory moment
immediately followed

by history's most catastrophic
rounding of second base.

[laughter]

And look, look,
I do not agree with Theresa May

on the vast majority of issues,
although I will say,

the tone of some of the coverage
surrounding her setback

was more than a little sexist.

- The face of Theresa May:
the look of a woman defeated,

heavily made up

as if she'd been in tears
earlier,

her voice cracking at times,
I thought.

- "And if there's one thing
I can recognize,

"it's the look
of a woman defeated.

"It's the one
my female colleagues give me

"any time I tell them
to smile more in the office.

"Anyway, back to you
in the studio, Angela.

"See, there it is,
that's the exact expression

"I'm referring to there.

Cheer up, old girl.
You look absolutely miserable."

Now, the whole point
of May calling this election

early in the first place
was to strengthen her hand

going into Brexit negotiations,

and though it has done
the exact opposite of that,

tonight, let's take a look

at what those talks
are going to involve,

because talks are set to begin
a week from tomorrow,

and they need to be completed
by March of 2019,

which is not a lot of time
to do something

incredibly important
and incredibly complicated.

- Britain wants out of the EU,

but we've been in
for more than 40 years,

with our countries,
our systems becoming

more and more tangled up
with each other,

more and more enmeshed,
and we only have two years

to hammer out a divorce deal.

- It's true, this is going to be
a messy, complicated divorce,

and it's a rough analogy,

but try and think of it
this way:

imagine if Florida wanted
to secede from the union.

Nice, right?

But think about everything

that that would actually entail.

Florida has a border
with Alabama and Georgia

that would potentially need
patrolling.

Any Florida goods
going over that border,

like oranges or meth,

would likely be subject
to tariffs,

and then you'd need to decide

whether Floridians
would be welcome

to live and work in the U.S.

or Americans welcome in Florida,

and that's before you even get
into the tricky question

of who's forced
to take custody of Hulk Hogan.

The point is,

Florida and the U.S.
splitting up would be

an immensely complicated
process.

It's a great idea,
and we should definitely do it,

but it wouldn't be easy,

and Brexit is going to be
vastly more difficult

and more expensive too.

For a start,
a so-called divorce bill

needs to be negotiated,

where the UK settles
financial commitments

that they made
while a part of the EU,

and some estimates put that
as high as 100 billion euros.

And that's just the beginning:
now, broadly speaking,

the question
is whether the UK will have

a hard or a soft Brexit,

and that is a concept
that British TV

has repeatedly attempted
to explain,

sometimes in the most ludicrous
possible fashion.

- The options range
from a harder Brexit

to a softer Brexit,

and what better way to judge
people's political tastes

than through cheese:
hard or soft?

- What?

[laughter]

What better way to judge

people's political tastes
than through cheese?

I don't know;
off the top of my head,

literally all other ways.

Even BuzzFeed would find
"Tell Us What Cheese You Like,

And We'll Tell You
What Brexit You Want"

to be too stupid
for one of their quizzes,

and they've run
the actual quizzes

"Should You Stick This
Up Your Butt?"

and "Which Olsen Twin
Are You?"--which is ridiculous,

because,
as we addressed last week,

there is only one Olsen twin.

It's a gigantic conspiracy.
You're being lied to.

I just don't know why yet.

But anyway, put that aside.

That report actually had
some useful information in it,

if you can ignore the fact

that it is pointlessly written
on cheese.

- A harder Brexit would see
the UK leave the single market.

The UK would then trade
with the EU

under
World Trade Organization rules.

We'd also have more of a say
over our borders

so we could control immigration.

A softer Brexit would see the UK

remain part
of the single market,

there'd be continued free access
for EU nationals,

but Britain's exports wouldn't
be subject to border checks.

- And that's actually
a pretty decent explainer,

although I really must insist

that cheese
is distractingly weird.

Really, the only time
cheese should be used

as a framing device
is if you are a mouse couple

posing for wedding photos,

and even then,
it's a little Pinterest-y.

I'm--I'm just saying,

it's never a bad idea
to ask yourself,

if you somehow couldn't
Instagram your wedding,

would you still
be getting married?

Anyway.

The point is,
within that hard-soft framework

are decisions
that will affect a lot of lives.

Take immigration:
there are currently 3 million

EU citizens living in the UK

and 1.2 million British citizens
living in Europe,

all of whom presumably
wouldn't mind knowing

where they're going to be
allowed to live

and what their rights might be
in just two years' time.

Then there's the issue
of Northern Ireland,

which is part of the UK
and will therefore Brexit,

but the Republic of Ireland
is part of the EU,

and any effort to stop policing
the border between them

will be difficult because there
is a long and painful history

of tensions
on the subject of that divide.

The idea of border checkpoints

suddenly splitting communities
again

could quickly become
a nightmare,

so this is a huge,
delicate problem,

which one news report
illustrated

in the most whimsical way
possible.

- Pip the dog goes
on a brief excursion

to the Republic of Ireland...

and returns
to the United Kingdom

just as easily.

- This dog, he had no license

to cross the border,

so he'll have to go to jail now.

He's an illegal immigrant.

- Now, yes.

Yes, now--
yes, that is, undeniably,

an objectively silly way

to illustrate
an important issue,

although I will say
I'm not sure

there is a better metaphor

for the British Empire

than a jolly chap named Pip

shows f*ck-all respect
for a border.

"This bit of land here is mine.
This one too.

This part is very fun
to play around in."

And we haven't even got

to what may be the most

difficult issue of all here,

and that is trade,

because pulling out
of the EU single market

without striking
a favorable trade deal

could expose UK products
to high tariffs,

and that is especially worrisome
for farmers,

since around 2/3
of the UK's agricultural exports

go to the EU, not to mention

the significant
EU farm subsidies

that would be lost,
so it's frankly no wonder

that farmers are concerned.

- Andrew Baugh's family
have farmed here since 1947.

If we leave
without a trade deal,

he'll be badly hit.

- We'd have a job to export
things because of the tariffs,

particularly with something
like these sheep,

which 1/3
of all lambs in the country

need to be exported.

The whole food industry,
I believe, is at risk.

[laughter]

- [unintelligible]

- Yeah,
we're gonna have a rub now.

That's what we do in life.

- Now--now, listen.

Could they have cut
out of that interview

before the pig started grinding
on that post?

Yes, but they didn't,
because they knew

that twerking pig
may actually be

the perfect embodiment
of the entire Brexit situation:

it's in motion already,

we're all powerless to stop it,

and it is impossible
to look away.

[laughter]

And as for how
the British economy will fare

outside of EU-negotiated
trade agreements,

that is also very much unclear.

Some argue
that things could work out great

and that no matter what,

British products
are so desirable,

they will find eager customers
all around the world,

and maybe that's true.

Maybe pork pies,
Marmite, mushy peas,

and undiagnosed
clinical depression

will all take the planet
by storm,

and sure, that is technically--
technically possible,

but there is a massive amount
of work to do

before that can happen.

For instance,
the UK will need to decide

which EU laws regulating
many of its industries

it'll choose to keep
on everything

from workers' rights
to environmental protection.

It'll also likely need to set up
its own regulatory agencies

to replace the EU bodies
that it's been relying on,

and it may also need
to negotiate new treaties

to replace
the 759 EU broker deals

that it will immediately
be excluded from,

governing everything
from wine to nuclear power

to the 1981 bilateral agreement
with Iceland

concerning the trade
of sheep meat and goat meat.

What I'm trying to say is,
any single part of Brexit

is a mountainous task,

and that is before
you get to the tiny little bits

that you understandably haven't
even thought might be a problem.

- 250,000 dogs and cats

go across the British Channel
every year.

Trying to work out
how the pet passports work,

that would take
several months of negotiation.

- He's right.

They even have to work out
the issue of pet passports,

and while they are
a genuine logistical concern,

pet passports do also sound
like they belong

to real assh*le cats and dogs.

"I mean,
technically, I'm a Persian,

but I consider myself more
a citizen of the world."

f*ck you, Muffin.

You still use your mouth
to clean your butt.

You're not better than me.

You're not better than me!

And remember, the entire
Brexit deal with the EU

needs to be finalized
within just two years,

and if you're thinking, well,
what if they don't get it done

in that time,
well, this happens.

- If there's no deal,
that leaves only one option:

the cliff edge.

[laughter]

- The cliff edge describes
the reality

of one day being in the EU,

with everything that that means,

and the next day being out of it
with no deal.

- You know,
there is exactly one instance

in which
the melodramatic stock footage

of an old-timey car
flying off a cliff

is appropriate
for news broadcast,

and congratulations,
you have all just witnessed it,

because if there is no deal,

everything,
from tariffs to immigration,

will basically default

to the harshest possible
scenario,

which could destabilize
the entire country,

and look, in theory,

they could get an extension
on the negotiation,

but that would require
all 27 EU members

to unanimously approve it,

and I would not rely
on that happening.

The EU has a vested interest
in making this negotiation

as difficult as possible,

because however much they may
value the UK as a partner,

they need to dissuade any other
countries from pulling out,

and the EU is already taking
a firm line.

For instance,
after the Brexit vote,

Boris Johnson,
a man with the face

of a Roald Dahl character

and the uncomfortable racism
of a Roald Dahl,

claims that our policy

is having our cake
and eating it.

Well, watch EU President
Donald Tusk dismantle that idea.

- To all who believe in it,

I propose a simple experiment.

Buy a cake, eat it,

and see if it is still there
on the plate.

[laughter]

There will be no cakes
on the table.

For anyone.

There will be
only salt and vinegar.

- Ouch.

Ouch, Donald, ouch.

Nothing but salt and vinegar.

That is some tough talk,

although
someone should probably tell him

that British people absolutely
love salt and vinegar.

Just look
at all of our variations

on salt and vinegar crisps.

So to be honest,
threatening the British

by saying there will be only
salt and vinegar on the table

is like threatening the French
by saying

there will only be
wine and baguettes,

or threatening the Swiss
by saying

there will only be
chocolate and n*zi gold.

Those are
their two favorite things.

They like those equally.

The fact is, the UK currently
faces a daunting task.

The pound has suffered
since the Brexit vote,

and Theresa May seems to have
fatally weakened her position

going into the negotiations,

making it harder for her
to enact her plan,

although it wasn't clear

what the f*ck that plan was
in the first place,

because while she seems
to favor a hard Brexit,

she could be maddeningly evasive
when asked for specifics.

- People talk
about the sort of Brexit

that there is going to be.

Is it hard? Soft?
Is it gray? White?

Actually, we want
a red, white, and blue Brexit.

That is the right Brexit
for the United Kingdom.

- But what does that mean?

You're heading into
a negotiation

that will set the course
for Britain for generations,

and you're naming colors
on the f*cking flag.

Forget running through
fields of wheat;

that may be the most ridiculous
thing you've ever said.

And actually, you know what,
I apologize

to that guy from before.

I said
there was literally no worse way

to discuss this
than with cheese,

but I was not counting
on Thatcher in the Rye here

answering a policy question
with a f*cking color scheme.

And you know what?

Her vagueness
did not go unnoticed.

In fact, it is not a great sign

that the single most
honest statement

from any candidate
in this election

regarding the difficulty
of the task ahead

came from a man
with a 2-foot bucket

on his head.

- Your prime minister, your MP,
Theresa May,

called this election
about Brexit.

Have we heard from her
what she plans to do

about Brexit?

No.

This is mad.

On Thursday,
you are going to be faced

with Prime Minister May
or Prime Minister Corbyn

against 27 prime ministers
from the European Union.

It will be a shit show.

[laughter, cheers, and applause]

- You know what?
You know what?

I never thought I'd say this,

but that intergalactic
space lord has a point.

Look, in eight days,

the UK is set to walk
into a negotiation

with no real leverage,

no significant
political mandate,

and no coherent plan,

and I don't really have
a solution to that,

but I do have a proposal
for Theresa May,

'cause at this point,

you have basically
f*cked everything up,

and your only real chance here

is to utilize
the element of surprise,

so how about, instead of sending
a career negotiator,

why not send someone that there
is no way they would expect?

I'm talking about someone bold,

unafraid to call it how it is,

someone with a firm,

leather-clad grasp
of the issues,

someone with a bucket list
of demands

and an honest,
slightly muffled voice.

That's right,
I'm talking about

the intergalactic space lord
himself.

Here's the question:
is he willing to do it?

Well, yes, he is,
and the reason I know that

is we found him, contacted him,

and actually flew him
here to New York this morning.

[cheers and applause]

Now, could we have just made
a similar costume

and put an intern in it?

Yes.
Shit, we could've done that.

That's a good point.

But we didn't,
and the fact that we didn't

is why I am now able
to present to you here tonight

your new Brexit negotiator.

Please welcome Lord Buckethead!

[epic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

That's right.

On your knees, earthlings.

Theresa May,
if you are still prime minister

by the time that this show airs,
I implore you,

send the dark lord to Brussels.

Is it an absurd idea?
Yes.

But it would not even be close

to the stupidest thing
that you have ever done.

Thank you so much for watching.

That's our show.
We'll see you next week.

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪