01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Hmm.

What the hell is that?

It's like a farm animal.

[Makes jiggly noises]

[Blows raspberry]

Crap!

[Band plays]

[Indistinguishable cheers]

[Male mascot] Whoo, Cougars! Let's hear it for the Cougars!

[Grunts]

It's OK, it's OK. I'm up.

[Whistle blows]

Whoo! Let's go!

It's over, Mom.

OK, I know, but I get excited!

OK, here we go.

Right back there, son or boyfriend?

I don't want to be a part of judging that poor woman. It's not right.

Son or boyfriend?

Boyfriend.

[Woman] Be his mom.

[Woman 2] Boyfriend. Get in there!

Be his mom. Mom! Mom!

Kiss her. Kiss her.

Come on! Come on, do it! Kiss her!

Yes! Yes!

What's the score, Travis?

Eight-nil.

Whatever!

[Whistle blows]

Oh, Travis, your math teacher, Ms. Pritchett, got new boobs.

Jules, you're very, very old.

Why would she do something like that?

Would you give her a break?

The dating pool is pretty limited when you get divorced at her age.

What, you mean your age?

She's, like, four months older. [Scoffs]

OK.

The point is, all of the single guys our age are either broken, gay, or chasing younger girls.

[Air horn sounds]

It can get pretty lonely.

Oh, honey.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna end up like Ms. Pritchett.

I don't think your frame could handle those.

I mean, if I thought that no one would talk about me...

Well, you see that young gentleman right there?

I'd love to lick his body.

That's my son.

Oh.

He looks smart.

And we're moving back just a few rows. what I ask you every weekend.

Come on. Let's go out. Let's have fun.

Can't. Got big plans.

It's Friday night. Get your butt over here for some wine and Scrabble.

I can't! I promised my husband we'd start having sex once a month without it having to be a quickie, and the bastard actually called me on it.

Why so pissy?

I'm fat.

You're not.

I am. I woke up fat.

I don't buy it.

Wow, you look like a whore.

Thank you.

Let's do this, woman.

[Groans] I have to go.

My hamstring's tight, so you're gonna have to start on top.

If you want, we can switch it up once I get loose.

You are so sexy.

Thank you. Race ya!

Hey, you want to stay in, hang out on the couch, maybe watch a movie?

Are you hitting on me?

This wine's for Ellie.

She's been looking so hot lately, I thought I'd get her drunk, try to hit that.

Lesbian mom jokes. Awesome.

Look, Ryan's coming to pick me up.

OK. Home by midnight, and if I ever catch you two drinking and driving, I'm gonna show everyone that baby picture of you two holding each other's penises.

[Sighs]

So small.

Ryan's mom just says goodbye.

Goodbye!

Have a great night, Mom.

I always do.

[Door opens, closes]

You see? It's not a walk of shame if someone does it with you.

[Car door opens]

Call me.

Hey, Grayson, you know what drives me nuts?

People that start conversations without saying "hello?"

No.

Is it annoying neighbors?

No.

Is it Stone Phillips?

What?

Your wife moves out, what, a week ago?

You're already sexing up sorority girls.

But nobody cares, because when a 40-year-old guy gets divorced, all your friends are like, "Way to go, Tiger!"

We don't call each other "Tiger." It's always "Champ" or "Samurai."

Look, maybe what really drives you nuts is that you couldn't bag a young stud if you tried.

You don't think I could?

Mm-mmm.

I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction. Too bad.

Oh, to hell with it. Hey, kid!

Pow!

Ooh.

Suck it!

[Chattering]

[Unintelligible chatter]

I'm guessing the boy that I flashed goes to your school.

He does.

Is he single?

Why don't you ever laugh at my jokes?

Because they make me sad.

Oh, boo-hoo!

Ryan. Tell him I love him.

I got you.

Oh, calm down, Travis will be fine.

[Brakes screech]

Give a girl a warning. My uterus almost sh*t out.

[Jules] What did you do? This is not the photo I picked.

This is from that night that we got drunk on amaretto and played dress-up.

I don't care if you fire me. I am putting you back out there.

It's time. Just listen to me for once.

I listened when you told me Dale was a loser and to stop dating him. What?

You have a giant hickey on your chest, and I can tell it's Dale's because whoever did it has a tooth missing!

Oh, we're not talking for six minutes?

Humph!

It's been about six minutes.

Look, you've been divorced for five months and you're not having any fun.

Oh, good God!

Hey, Barb.

And good morning to you.

The Hannigans would like to see upstairs.

Take as much time as you need. Master bedroom's on the right... if you want to see where your thousand-year-old husband will eventually die on top of you.

I'm only 64.

Great acoustics, huh?

It's a lovely home.

You know what? I'm not even asking anymore.

Tonight is the night. We're going on the prowl.

No. No prowling.

Look, you're young. Me, I have to act my age.

One night out on the prowl, the next thing you know I'm at a Jonas Brothers concert wearing a miniskirt, sporting some giant collagen hot dog lips.

Are you making fun of my mom?

Maybe.

I'm also saying that I just don't want to become someone that I make fun of.

Fine. Honey, we don't have to prowl.

Let's just go get a drink.

Just a drink?

Yes.

OK, let's do it.

Yay!

And take me someplace young and fun.

I don't wanna go somewhere filled with wrinkled geezers like Grandpa there.

I'm right above you.

Yes, you are.

Please buy the house.

What do you want, Bobby?

Hey, Jules.

I need this month's alimony check a little early.

How early?

Like, now.

Of course.

[Bobby] Come on, J-Bird.

Travis is at my place tonight, and I'd like to be able to, you know, feed him.

I can't believe I married you.

Yeah, that was a bad call.

You know, Oprah said that when a marriage falls apart, that both people have to take responsibility for their roles.

I dropped out of college to support you and raise our kid while you spent 20 years trying to make it on the Tour, drilling everything that moved.

And maybe you should ask yourself what you did to make me do that.

Oh, God.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding, OK?

I know. I was an ass.

Hey, for old time's sake, you want to go upstairs and have sex?

Mmm.

Yeah.

I don't.

Stan! My baby's name is Stan.

He'd be Spencer if my husband's stupid father hadn't gone and d*ed, like, a week before he was born.

Still a little fresh.

You're all right.

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Come over tonight for wine and Scrabble without the Scrabble.

I can't, I'm, I'm with Laurie.

You know, ever since you got divorced, she's been trying to steal you from me.

No, this is a work thing.

Bye, Jules.

Hey, thanks for dinner, Dad.

You betcha.

How's Mom doing? She talk about me at all?

[Mumbles]

Yeah.

The biggest mistake of my life, screwing that one up.

Mom's fine. She's... I mean, I wish she didn't have to say exactly what she's thinking the second she thinks it.

Wow, you are really black.

It's so handsome on you.

Yeah, it is.

Come on, sweetie.

Go get 'em.

Yeah. Get...

Whoa!

[Dance music plays]

OK, why are you standing like that?

It's a little chilly in here. Also, I never really had my twenties so I have no idea how I'm supposed to look or act.

You said this place doesn't even get "cr*ck-a-lacking" until 9:30, and if I'm up after 10:00 I get really sleepy and I just... I hate you.

Say something judgmental about me, that loosens you up.

You can't wear fake nails on just one hand! You look like a crazy whore.

Well, I only had four left, and this is the hand that I smoke with.

Better? Good. Now give me 20 bucks, I'll buy you a drink.

Unbelievable.

Thanks.

Barb. What are you doing here?

Having a glass of pinot with my friends, trying to decide who gets to spin me like a pinwheel.

Good luck with that. I'm gonna go right over here.

Oh, God!

None got on me.

I can't believe you went to college in London.

I always wanted to do stuff like that.

Why didn't you?

You know how it goes. I was 19, started thinking with my coochie-cooch, and then, bam, I had a kid.

Man, you are hot as balls!

Thanks.

I'm sorry, this is my second drink.

Let me get you a water.

Thanks.

Don't eat 'em all.

Ooh!

[Mouthing] Hit that!

Stop it!

Hey, I think that chick went to high school with my mom.

[Groans]

Stop having sex with babies!

Hi!

In a hoodie? Really?

I mean, if you want her to think you're that young, why don't you just wear those PJs with the feet on them?

OK, we should probably go.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Good, you're home. Come over.

Oh, God!

[Laurie] Hey!

You left that at the bar, bitch!

No! Wait!

Whoo! Bye!

[Jules] Do not leave!

Hi.

May I come in?

Sure.

That didn't work, did it?

No.

Damn it!

Can I get you a snack?

That's what I do for my son's friends, I get them snacks.

Do you like crackers with peanut butter on them?

I hope it's not too forward, coming over here.

You're a good kid, but... this isn't really how I roll.

OK? So... Holy crap!

[Telephone rings]

Where the hell are you?

There's a man in my house.

Should I call the police?

No.

I lied to you and I went to a bar...

Oh, just go look at him.

What? Who is that?

Come on!

Go do disgusting things to that boy.

No, I need time to prepare.

I gotta buy candles! I look good in flickering light.

Oh, my God, what if he wants to leave the lights on?

You're good at sex, right?

[Groans] I'm like a seven.

I'm a nine.

Now, look, take charge of the situation the second you walk in the room.

Hey.

I want to see you.

Fantastic.

What's that scar from?

I got knifed when I was a kid.

Really?

Nope, that's from my C-section.

What am I doing?

All right, no more talking.

I feel like I can see colors again.

Yeah. And thanks for making these crackers.

Ever since you mentioned them before I couldn't get them out of my head.

We had sex three times without you needing a nap, or pills or anything.

How fun is that?

Pretty fun.

Yeah!

OK...

Matt.

Matt.

I'm going to do something that I have not done in years.

I told my husband that I hated it, but I don't hate it, I love it.

So what are you?

Shh, shh, shh! Just watch.

Mom?

Oh, there's my boy!

You said you hated that.

Hey!

You're not allowed to eat these anymore.

All right, I'm so sorry.

It's just that lately I've been feeling like I'm gonna shrivel up and die if I just don't get out there and start doing things.

Obviously, by "doing things," I don't mean only things like what you saw...

OK, we're gonna talk about that later.

OK, I may have to k*ll myself.

What are you doing here?

You never called me back last night to tell me what happened.

See, I used to be your best friend.

But now my only option is to come here and listen to you share everything about your life with this idiot.

She's been here 40 minutes and that's the nicest thing she's said.

We're having grown-up talk. Go push Stan around the block.

Stan? Is your baby 60?

[Gasps]

Please, for me?

Yeah, Laurie, please. For her.

[Groans]

Hi, Travis. It's me, Mama!

Not today, man. I'm warning you.

You know why all the junior high boys are stealing these?

[Woman's voice] I know, and I like it!

[Boys laughing]

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I know you have your own problems.

You think my mom's hot now? How about now? How about now?

How about now?

But you and I had a plan, remember?

We were gonna have stupid cookouts with our stupid husbands.

Husbands are so stupid.

Now I'm stuck at home, and you're heading back out into the world.

I just want you to still have time for me.

I love you.

I love you so much more than you love me.

I know, but it's close.

Ellie, I will always have time for you.

[Telephone rings]

I don't want to see him in here, and no hitting with a sign. Just go. Go!

Just go get your stuff.

I am!

He does not look happy.

The school called you?

Oh, no, I'm here on an unrelated matter.

Apparently, there's a landscaping position that I might potentially be interested in.

Yes, Dad, please mow the lawns at my school, that's exactly what I need!

He was supposed to stay at your apartment last night!

Couldn't you come through for me, just once?

Ready, Mr. Cobb?

You got it, brother.

Look, I know you and I had a bit of an awkward moment last night.

[Scoffs]

Yes, "awkward moment," that's what I'm calling it.

Still, there's never an excuse for v*olence.

Junior high kids are stealing your signs. Do you know why?

'Cause they're using them to pleasure themselves.

Really? I mean, really?

Why can't you just be a normal mom and stop torturing me?

I'm allowed to have a life, Travis!

[Door slams]

Hey, don't worry about it. He'll be fine.

Don't get me wrong, but thanks to you that kid is gonna have some issues.

Big ones.

[Grunts]

[Thud]

Who pushes people?

Never an excuse for v*olence, Mom!

Get back in the damn house!

Hey, Travis.

You know what? I'm not taking lip from the typical jerk who walks away from his marriage scot-free, no responsibilities, nothing.

Do you know how scary it is to be a single 40-year-old woman?

Whatever you do, you feel judged by the world, you feel judged by yourself.

And if you ever, deep down, think you might get married again, you're not going to. Not when you're 50, and you can't make babies anymore, and your looks have faded.

So you put on a brave face and you try really hard not to think about the fact that maybe, maybe, this is all your life is ever gonna be.

You know, my granddaddy got a chick pregnant when he was 90.

Ahh!

[Grunts]

Good afternoon.

Andy.

Samurai.

I think that they are going to buy.

Thank God, 'cause I really need the cash to do my face.

How does this look?

Like you're skydiving.

Really?

Hey, nice pull with that hottie, sister.

I may try and get on him myself tonight.

You OK, sweetie? You having a little stroke?

One time.

I did it one time and I'm already one of them.

[Clears throat]

Don't spook him.

Hey, little guy.

Hurry!

[Laurie] We got the sign back.

Can we stop sprinting? I feel like my boobs are trying to k*ll me.

[Repeatedly pushing doorbell]

Hi. May I talk to your son?

Robbie, there are some women here...

Hi.

Hi.

You obviously know my name.

This is Laurie.

Hey, Robbie. You're fast.

Robbie, do you know how embarrassing it can be to be a teenage boy?

Yeah, I think I do.

Well, it's really rough on my son.

[Singing along with music]

What's happening, little man?

Dad.

Hit the books.

[Sings along with music]

And I know it would probably be easier on him if I just hid out in the house.

I mean, hell, that would make a lot of people happy.

I think she's home, but I'm not calling her first.

Be nice to Jules. She's all alone.

And you've already won.

I can't believe I'm turned on.

I mean, I'd date guys my own age but they're all out dating younger girls.

[Camera charging]

This isn't anything weird, it's just to cheer up a friend.

Great, let's go have sex.

So what the hell am I supposed to do?

I... I...

You're right, Robbie, we're not gonna figure it out today, are we?

All I know is, my son doesn't like it when you boys take my signs.

[Grunts]

So you put the word out. It's over.

You tortured that poor kid for me.

Outstanding!

Look, I'm gonna try really hard not to let my life make your life any more difficult, OK?

I promise.

Well, thank you.

Seriously, thanks.

Ryan's picking me up, so I should...

Bye.

Bye.

Or, you know, I could stay and hang with you if...

No.

You sure?

Go.

Have fun.

[Door opens, closes]

[Laughs]

Drive.

He's gone!

So cool.

OK, take the wine upstairs, get undressed.

Wanna make sure the door's locked.

Want the lights on or off?

No lights, I bought candles.

Matthew, no more talking.

All right. Sorry.