01x02 - Into the Great Wide Open

[bunniefuu]

[Whispering] All clear.

Thank you for coming over and for parking a block away, and leaving at 5:00 in the morning.

What can I say? You're worth it.

I just really want my business to stay my business, you know?

I'm not some psycho chick, or...

[dog barking]

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Hug the shadows, hug the shadows!

Monster!

I am so getting you back.

Don't. I hate being scared.

[Groans]

Why are you even up?

Because my stupid baby woke me up.

The better question is, why are you wearing full makeup?

I'm not ready for Josh to see my morning face, so I set two alarms, one at 4:00 and one at 5:00.

Then I get up and do my hair and makeup, I go back to bed, fake asleep until the next alarm goes off and then he thinks I wake up looking like this.

Crafty.

I think so.

Is the sex worth it?

I'll have to let you know.

I decided, after that last guy, to reinstate my ten-date rule.

Oh.

But I should not have let Josh sleep over.

The whole night I spent playing defense.

[Slapping sounds]

Nice.

[Speaks Spanish]

What are you doing here?

Do you not get how divorce works?

I gotta give a golf lesson at 6:30, so I'm just gonna steal a cup of coffee.

Well, then OK.

Oh, morning, honey.

I need to study for my advanced calculus test.

Hey, buddy, you want some help?

[All laughing]

Yeah, you're right, who am I kidding?

[Door closes]

Could you take Stan so I can get ready for work?

I'd bring him in the shower with me, but he always pees on my feet.

Hey, Bobby. Much love, much love.

Hey, hey.

That's a long hug there, big guy.

[Snores]

Travis!

I'm up.

What's the deal with the golf cart outside?

My car d*ed so I kind of borrowed that from the golf course as, you know, a substitute ride.

It's a hybrid.

Genius, just 'cause it has a plug doesn't make it a hybrid.

It hauls ass. You want a ride to work?

Definitely.

Oh, that's not happening.

Travis!

Thank you.

I cannot believe I am up at 5:00am because this idiot dropped his Binky.

Before I had my baby, the only time I was ever awake this early was in my twenties, and I was still up from the night before.

I remember this crazy night that started out in New York and ended up in Miami...

There I am, I'm 23 years old, I'm eating a five-pound Belgian waffle at 4:00 in the morning, and I realize the Croatian chick has got a g*n...

...it ended, 'cause up until that point, I had partied...

...and I'm talking legitimately partied, for 45 nights in a row, baby!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

What?

It's your turn. Best w*r story from your twenties.

OK. Once, when I was 22, I had a baby, and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

Boo!

I don't want to play this game anymore, OK? Let's go.

Out of the kitchen. Come on.

Can I just grab a cup of coffee?

No! I can't deal.

He drinks every sip like it's the most delicious thing on the planet.

Do you know how annoying that is?

I want to pretend to care, but I don't think I can get there.

I feel ya.

[Stan cooing]

[Shouting]

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm just trying to be a good mom.

Good morning, Grayson!

Hey.

I've been up for hours.

I had eggs for breakfast.

What?

I'm sorry.

I thought we were sharing incredibly boring facts about ourselves.

When you act like you don't want to talk to me, it makes me want to talk to you more.

That may be the world's most annoying personality trait.

Right? Do you ever get that overwhelming feeling you just missed out on everything?

I don't have overwhelming feelings.

Would you come on?

We are both recently divorced, and we're going through this stuff.

You know what? This should be our thing.

We talk when we get our papers.

We can be paper buddies.

No, thank you.

Now I just want it even more!

Blah, blah, blah.

[Delighted howling]

Ah! Don't tell Ellie.

Later, J-Bird.

Oh! Holy crap, that's good coffee.

I know, right?

Wait, what exactly was upsetting you?

I don't know.

I was just so bummed that I didn't have one good story to tell, you know?

Hold this for a second.

Yes!

I spent so much time on my hair this morning, that felt like cheating death.

[Laughs]

I don't believe in having regrets, Jules, because in this great, big, crazy thing we call "life"...

It sounds like you're ramping up for a long one, so first I have to ask: Do you think that's an appropriate outfit for work?

I did until a second ago.

Fair enough.

Whoa, whoa. You're not gonna wear trashy thongs.

I've got emergency work underwear in my drawer.

What I was going to say is that, if you don't have any good stories, you can just start making some now.

Are you changing your underwear at my desk?

Who cares?

I feel like I do.

You can still have your twenties.

I mean, you're halfway there.

You've got the cute boyfriend who, for some reason, you're not sleeping with.

Ten-date rule.

[Slapping sounds]

I'm not sure what that means, but the point is, now all we have to do is add in the fun stuff.

You know, bar-hopping, road trips...

[gasps] Eating pancakes at 3:00 in the morning.

Crap, I love pancakes.

Come on an adventure with me tonight.

The word "adventure" makes it sound really fun.

That's why I picked it.

All right, I'm in!

Yeah!

[Both] Ow!

Oh, wait! I'm seeing a movie with Ellie tonight.

So, because you want to relive your youth, instead of getting a barrel of popcorn and eating it while we stare at Viggo Somethingsen's ass, I've got to go get drinks with you and your stupid slaggy townie friend?

Ellie's so excited to come.

Tell her to bite me.

Laurie's psyched, too.

Oh, and Ellie, we are even for this morning.

What?

Monster!

I just made a horrible mistake, didn't I?

Yeah.

All right. Lipstick, eyeliner, tissue, granola bars, aspirin... What else?

Stamps.

Stamps, right.

Wait, why are you messing with me?

Because it's fun.

When you get older you need more stuff.

That's why I brought out ol' Bessie here.

It's a purse. It doesn't have a name.

Bessie does.

Have fun, for once.

Thanks. You have fun at Dad's.

Well, this shouldn't be embarrassing at all.

Helps with the bugs.

Good God.

So, Ellie took a shower with her baby and, of course, he peed all over her feet. But here's the kicker: Ellie said afterwards her skin was so soft and smooth.

Of course I've got to find myself baby pee.

No biggie. Ellie's gonna hook me up.

You know, people can't un-hear the things you say.

Come back, paper buddy.

I'll just see you at your mailbox in the morning.

[Grayson] Not ever.

Ellie, I'm back. You have to re-engage.

Oh.

[Laurie] On the plus side, I was able to put peanuts in her wine without her noticing.

Hmm, so witty.

I should probably slow down.

I'm getting a little buzzy.

These are just the drinks that we get before we go out and get drinks.

Oh, good, she's here.

I've got a bad case of the gotta-go's.

Don't leave.

Why don't you just come with me?

No, I'm having fun.

I just want you to stay.

But this isn't how I do fun anymore.

I've got much better wine at home, and I really need to take my bra off.

Enjoy your twenties.

So, I invited my friend Nezzie to roll with us.

Well, that's great.

I love rolling with people.

Yup, this is really cool.

It's like drinking with my mom.

But, don't worry, she looks great.

How old is she?

Sixty-two.

I will k*ll her.

Here's the sh*ts.

Oh, I didn't order one.

Cheers.

[Up-tempo music plays]

[Both] Ah!

I'll get more.

Did you see how tiny her purse is?

You can't even put a credit card there.

She probably has to fold her money into tiny squares. Oh, I was right.

Jules, quit stalling. Toss it back.

Just one, though.

Oh, wait, wait. I want to get a picture with my phone. Ready?

Jules!

Oh! Hello, g*ng.

I did not think you were coming back to see the guest room again.

We're gonna go look around a little more.

You guys take your time.

Party rookie.

How did she know?

That is upsetting.

Someone actually dared you to make out with Barb's neck for a second.

I didn't, did I?

No!

Let me see that.

No, no. You don't want to see it.

You don't want to see it. Oh, there.

It's gone. It never happened.

You know what's weird?

We par-tayed last night, and I feel fine.

You're probably still a little drunk, you don't realize it.

I'm gonna go home and all of a sudden just have some nasty hangover?

Oh, God!

Why?

Sorry to intrude, but I wanted to return this.

[Grunting] Oh, my...

Help me.

Nah. Gotta go.

[Thuds]

[Sighs] Bessie.

Are you OK?

My head hurts, I kissed Barb, and Grayson made fun of Bessie.

Oh.

Does Andy still eavesdrop every time you're on the phone?

I assume so. Andy?

Right here.

OK, tell Andy to go over to Grayson's and make friends with him, and then be mean to him.

We need you to go over to Grayson's, make friends and then be mean to him.

Fine.

He's in. Go take a nap.

Oh, thank you.

[Doorbell]

What?

You said I should stop by once your son left.

Is that what I said?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, Andy. What's up?

I brought over pizza and beer.

Why?

You know... I'm not sure.

OK, well, I have to go open up my restaurant, so...

I can't go home yet.

They'll just make me come back.

Lock the door when you leave.

[Sighs] What a lovely turn of events.

Oh, mother, that's good beer.

[Slapping sound]

Do you always have to make the sound?

I do. It's what makes it fun.

So fun.

Oh, I know it's frustrating, but we only have four dates left.

And when we get there, it is gonna be amazing.

Maybe we could even...

Nah, never mind.

What?

Just this crazy position I read about, but you're way too classy for it.

And besides, it's more of a young chick thing.

Tell me more.

Well, you just take one of your legs and just put it over my arm.

Like this?

[Bones cr*ck]

[Groans]

[Stifled groaning]

Are you sure you're OK?

Oh, yeah. I'm great.

Why don't you go ahead and let yourself out? There you go.

Yeah. Bye, Josh.

[Door opens, closes]

OK, so you hurt yourself by not having sex.

That's right.

I'm gonna get some takeout, and do you remember my Aunt Carol?

The one who hates my hair?

Yes. I'm gonna go get my wedding video and we're gonna watch her break her hip over and over again.

I love it when she screams and cries.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, hey, Laurie.

Nezzie's getting us a free limo tonight.

I don't think I can go out tonight.

It's done, girl.

But Saturday night's the best night for going out.

She says Saturday's the best night.

No. You're staying in.

Come on, we'll soak our hands and feet in baby pee.

This is your twenties weekend.

Would you look?

You're an invalid. Slaggy ho.

Do you know what people think when they see you out with those kids?

Don't say it if it's too mean.

I mean, you're too old for this crap.

You look pathetic.

Give me this phone. Give it to me.

Are you in a fight?

Give me. I'm in.

What's happening?

Come get me. Ellie, go home.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I came out to get the mail and I got thirsty. I'm a little hung over.

Hey, but thanks for checking on me, paper buddy.

No, not your paper buddy, just an annoyed neighbor.

Don't send tiny bald men to my house.

Is Ellie watching us right now?

We got into a huge fight.

You see, I feel like you don't listen to what I say. You just move on...

Turn around and catch her on "three." One, two...

Just do me a favor and stop trying to drag me into your little "where did all the years go" nervous breakdown thing you seem to be going through, OK?

Three! I got you!

I wasn't looking at you, you stupid head.

Does anybody on this block like you?

Catch you later, PB.

Hey, that stands for "paper buddy."

[Cell phone chimes]

I just got a text, who's it from?

Someone named "Bitch-Slap" Harris.

Good guy. He's a college professor.

Of course he is.

Apparently, he saw a bouncer being mean to Mom last night.

What? Why would anyone wanna be mean to Mom?

Dad, I know those girls, turn around.

No detours, we're running low on juice, buddy.

Fine.

Ah! Ha-ha! Ahh!

Sarah, Tina, don't know you.

What's the haps?

[All laugh]

Just drive.

[Telephone rings]

Andy?

Hey, Jules, you OK?

So Ellie had you call.

Please, girlfriend, I'm my own man.

I'm assuming she's so close you can't speak freely.

[Laughs] Yes.

I know she wrote you a script, so say something wrong so I can catch her.

"When did this whole twenties thing start being about proobing something?"

Proving something. "Proving."

Hang up the phone.

Go!

Ellie, I know you can hear me.

I don't know when this thing became about proving something, it just did.

I hate the feeling that I missed out on everything.

You, you have your stories, I've heard all of them.

The night you were in New York. Miami.

The month you didn't see the sun.

The time you kissed a girl.

Awesome.

I know that I'm being crazy, but when I'm being like that it is your job to support me.

Remember when you didn't smile at your baby because you thought it'd give you mouth wrinkles?

I was there for you, Ellie.

It's hard for me to be out there doing things that I know are stupid, and people are probably talking about me.

But the last person I thought who would ever say mean things is my best friend.

Ellie? Are you still there?

All right, I'm going out.

You didn't smile at Stan?

Only for three weeks.

[Up-tempo music plays]

They want another round, I feel like I'm 100.

You look like you're 800.

You know, I've seen the endless parade of girls you've brought home, tagged and released.

No matter how young they are, you don't ever seem the slightest bit self-conscious about your age.

I'm not.

Show me how to do that.

Can't. You see, when women get older, it's icky.

Men get older, it's adorable. It's actually my favorite double standard.

Yeah, I'm not a huge fan.

My, my!

I hurt myself hiking.

No, you didn't.

Darling, if you're going to attempt a move like that, you gotta hit the yoga class, hard.

Hi, I'm Barb.

Wow.

Wait, where's your drink?

I don't need one.

I'm just gonna borrow ice from this one.

That's it, you're done.

But Saturday night is the best night for going out.

Sweetie, it's time to go home.

I don't want you to have to leave because of me.

You're going home.

It's Saturday night, I'm going out.

[Cell phone rings]

Hey, Mom, what's up?

Why are you calling?

I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep, in case I never wake up.

T-minus five, Goose.

OK, gotta go, Mom. Love you. Bye.

This is for my mom!

Ah!

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, my God! That was incredible.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Floor it. Floor it!

Hey, I saw that limo driver help you in.

Did you come over here to make fun of me?

No. I came over to check on you.

So how are you?

Younger people just don't get tired like we do.

I know.

But one day they will, and if we're not dead, I say we rub it in their faces.

I'm sorry I was mean.

That's OK.

I'm never gonna have my twenties again, am I?

Of course you are.

But just not two nights in a row.

You had a great first night, right?

Yeah.

You never told me about it.

I bet you have great stories.

I do. Laurie sent some pictures on my cell phone.

Here, look at this.

OK, this is me dancing.

Oh.

That's a mean bouncer.

Oh, so mean.

That's... That was my first fistfight.

I won.

Cute.

This is me dancing on a pole.

Your butt looks great. Yeah.

Thank you.

And this is me eating the world's largest pancake.

So dadgum good.

Oh, can we go get some?

Yeah.

All right.

Hi.

Oh, good, you're chipper again.

I wanted to thank you for the six dollars of business that you personally gave me last night in an effort to show you could still hang with the youngsters.

Why do you always have to...

Hey, wait a second.

You're out with your paper, waiting for me.

To make fun of you.

It still counts.

You're my paper buddy.

Nah-uh! I was...

I had to... I was reading...

Sorry, PB, I gotta go.

You save that for tomorrow.

Damn it.

[Engine starts]

[Both] Monsters!

We made up.