03x11 - Ray Forgives

[bunniefuu]

- Things with Credenza and I
are getting real serious.

And I was thinking about
popping the question.

[all gasp]

- So when do we go find Drex?

- Ah!
- You're getting slow, old man.

- Ahh!
both: Ahh!

- Huh?
- I'm okay.

[both grunting]

- Oh, that felt good.

Budaford J. Fudgers,
did you have a party?

- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

I repurposed the evil device
as a party light.

- I'm not mad anymore.

all: You're not?

- I have seen the light.

[dramatic music]

[bird cawing]

- Quit messing with the light.

You're gonna ruin the surprise.

- Relax, dude.

Schwoz was just putting
your "Marry Me" filter on it.

- Here it comes. Here it comes.
Here it comes.

Ahh, Yahtzee.

Aww, I'm gonna take
this little guy back

to the Man's Next and help him
get his life back together.

I'm sorry, little birdy.
You're going to be okay.

- Okay, okay, Buddy
and Credenza will be back

any minute now, so everybody
just sit down and chill!

- We're chill, my dude.

I think Bose is asleep.

- Congrats to the happy couple.

- Oh, no, no, no, honey.

He didn't pop the question yet.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna ask her
to marry me

until after we watch tonight's
brand-new episode

of "Genuine Moments,"
like we always do

together as a loving couple
who loves.

- That's gross.

- And it's the last episode
before the two-part finale.

- Those always end
with some big revelation.

- Third-to-last episodes
are great.

- No doubt.

They're amazing.

- Okay, let's all stop talking
about how great

third-to-last episodes are
and start talking about

how great this heart-shaped
diamond is...

[tires screech,
cans rattling]

- That's my love
hittin' the cans.

Girl can't drive
to save her life.

Places, everyone!

- Hey, can someone check
on my mom.

She hit the cans again,
so I gotta plunger out

some fender dents.

- Ooh, I'll do it, yoink!

- So, Buddy, you excited
to watch the third-to-last

episode of "Genuine Moments"?

- Oh, yeah,

almost as excited as I was
when me and my mom

watched it live earlier today.

[dramatic music]

- You and your mom watched
"Genuine Moments" without Ray?

- Yes.

- You just ended the world,
my friend.

- Ray takes pre-watching
very seriously.

It's one of his things.

- Other than not opening
the door for another man,

it's probably
his biggest thing.

- Okay, we need to move
all sharp objects

out of this house stat.

- Whoa, whoa.
Guys, what's going on?

- Ray was gonna propose
to your mom tonight.

- He got her a heart-shaped
diamond and everything.

- Really? That's amazing.

- Yeah, but when he find out
she watched "Genuine Moments"

without him, he's going to burn
this place to the ground.

- He doesn't have to know.

- Mika Eureka Macklin,
are you suggesting we lie?

- I'm suggesting
Buddy keeps his mouth shut

for the next hour.

- Yeah, we just gotta keep
this quiet.

- You're gonna be cool, right?

Buddy.
Talk to me, Buddy.

- Ohh, I get the sweats
real bad

when I'm holding in a secret.

- Here's a rag. Deal with it.

- Hey, who's excited to watch
a brand-new episode

of "Genuine Moments"?

- I know I am.

- I am definitely ready
to watch it

for the first time.

- You okay, Buddy?

- We watched it already.

- Buddy!
- What?

- How was it?

- What did you just say?

We already watched this episode
of "Genuine Moments."

I'm sorry,
but I can't keep a secret.

- You watched a fresh episode
of "Genuine Moments" already?

- I know.
I know, but Buddy and I--

- Without me?

- I don't mind
watching it again.

- The moments
won't even be genuine.

They'll be lies.

They'll be moments of lies.

- Settle down, babe.

- I need to throw something.

I've gotta--I've gotta
throw--oh,

why are there
no sharp objects anywhere?

- It was just
the third-to-last episode.

It's not like it's the two-part
finale or something.

- But the third-to-last episode
is what sets it all up.

- Are you serious right now?

- It's sets it all up.

- So we still gonna watch--

- Get in the car,
or you're gonna get it!

- I guess not.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Sorry about the show.

- Buddy,
you'll be a man someday.

What was that all about?

- Mr. Manchester
was gonna propose to you

at the end of this episode.

He had a heart-shaped diamond
and everything.

- [gasps]
He had a heart-shaped diamond?

- And everything.

[tires screech,
cans rattling]

- It sets it all up!

[upbeat music]

- I'm just saying, if the girls
have to wear volleyball shorts,

then the men should--oh!

- Hey!
- Schwoz?

- What are you doing
sleeping outside?

- Ray kicked me out
because he wanted to listen

to depressing music alone
in the dark.

- He's that sad, huh?

- Look, the music keeps
getting sadder and sadder.

Country, grunge, indie...

[somber music]

He's gone full-blown emo.

- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

- I assume his proposal
to Credenza went poorly.

- She watched the third-to-last
"Genuine Moments" without him.

- But that's the episode
that sets it all up.

- We know, but I think I've got
a way to cheer him up.

all: You're...

- That's what YMCA stands for.

Most people don't know that.

- Grief is my only friend now.

- Oh, come on.

Don't you think you're being
a little ridiculous?

- What about any of this
is ridiculous?

- The three belts,
the guy-liner, the music--

- I'll never love again!

- Got any more songs?

- Just gonna do that
to your teeth, huh?

- Happy songs
aren't gonna do it.

But we gotta fix this,
or we're gonna be stuck

with Emo Ray
for the rest of our lives.

- So we're all
disrespecting teeth now.

- How do we fix it?

- We gotta figure out a way
to make Ray forgive Credenza.

- Oh, sure, get Ray Manchester
to forgive someone.

That should only take
like 40, 50 years.

- We don't have 50 years.

We don't even have 50 hours.

- Okay, who is y'all's dentist?

- And what are you
talking about?

- Look, if Ray and Credenza
don't get back together

within 48 hours,
they'll never date again.

That's Breakup Law.

- How do you know?

- My mom's been married
to four vices,

Mondale, Quayle,
Pence, and Willard.

Every single time
one of them got in a fight

that lasted more than 48 hours,
their term was up.

- So we have 48 hours
to teach Ray how to forgive?

- If we're lucky.

Could be even less if Credenza
goes out with her girls.

[phone chiming]

- Buddy?

- Yeah, we got a real problem.

My mom just bought
a new outfit.

- Please tell me it's not a...

both: Hot pink mini dress.

- Hey, girls.

[giggles]

- Credenza is going out
with her girls.

[both gasp]

- It all just
kind of happened.

[overlapping chatter]

You get all that?

[vocalizing]

- We look amazing.

- You've been posing for hours.

[all shouting at once]

- That's right,
keep walking, Schwoz.

Keep walking.

[dramatic music]

[howling]
- Hey, can I come in yet?

There's a family of coyotes
circling me outside.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on in.

- So did you cheer Ray up yet,

or is he still deep
in his feelsies?

- Things have gotten worse.

- [gasps]

Credenza is going out
with her girls.

- And according
to Buddy's latest text,

they're gonna hit the clubs
in Lil' Miami.

- Oh, not Lil' Miami.

- And her sloppy friend Becky
is coming.

- Oh, not Becky.

Ahhh!

I thought she was still
in jail.

- Ahh.
- There you are.

- Did you hear about Becky?

- Whatcha got there?
- Ladies and Bose.

I have the solution
to all of our problems.

Behold!

- That is a poster
for "Paddington

Miles and More."

- The fan fiction movie you
made about you and Paddington

solving mysteries
in the English countryside.

- Bobbed the wrong poster,
I did.

Back in a biff.

- I mean,
the Paddington franchise

has solved a lot
of my problems.

- Samesies.
- Two...goes...hard.

- Mm.
- Ahh.

I say behold.

The MILES System.

A five-step path
to the Isle of Forgiveness.

This is the only way to teach
Ray how to forgive Credenza.

- Dear brother,
I love you

as much as Paddington Two
loves his Aunt Lucy...

- She did so much for him
as a cub.

- She sure did, pal.

- But we need a real system,
not something

you made up to fit
the letters of your name.

- That's what it spells.

- Dear sister,

do you remember
our seventh birthday?

- [scoffs]
The one where we got a pizza,

and both of us had seven slices
representing each year

of our lives,
but there was one slice left,

and we fought over it,
and you said,

"Look over there."

For some idiotic reason,
I looked over there,

during which time
you had the last slice?

Why, yes, dear brother,
I do recall the day.

- And do you recall
what you said after?

- "I will never forgive you
for this."

- And I said, "I understand
that you're upset

and expect you may be
for some time."

- And then I hurled myself
at you.

- Initiating combat.

- When I stopped strangling
you, I heard you out.

- You listened.
- And we scrapbooked.

- Art and crafts, baby,
and now we have a...

both: Sustainable friendship.

- Oh, my God.
We're doing the MILES System.

- Yes!

- Sounds good.

We just shove Ray
and Credenza together,

watch them fight
until they scrapbook.

- Nah, if Ray's actually
gonna learn to forgive, like,

in his core,
he has to learn to forgive

his biggest enemy.

- You don't mean...

- Himself.
- No.

- The slow march of time.
- No.

- That guy at Hip Hop Purée
who's always like,

"Hey, yo, Ray, can you hold
that door open for me?"

- No.

I know who he means.

[dramatic music]

- Drex!

And I'm here about the
"free lizard hand removal."

- Sorry, Drex.

- We can't fix your hand.

- Okay, we've all done
some pretty messed up stuff

to each other in the past,

but getting my hopes up
about my hand,

this hurts the most!

- That's my bad.

I should have done a better job
of managing your expectations.

- Yeah, whatever.

Let's just skip to the part
where we all b*at

the ever-living snot
out of each other, and...

somehow I lose?

- I don't think
we're here to fight you.

- Quite the opposite, in fact.

- All right.
- Here you go.

I didn't ask you to do that.
- Fragile masculinity, yes.

- What did you say?
- Fragile masculinity.

- Full-blown emo?

What the chud, bud?

- I'm not your bud, chud.

- Okay, gentlemen,

I just want to manage
your expectations.

We have brought you here to--
both: Ahh!

- Ahh!

- Looks like they're moving
right to step two.

- Initiating combat.

- Ooh-ahh!

all: Ooh.

- [grunts]

all: Ohh!

- Aren't both of these guys
indestructible?

- We might be here
for a while.

[both grunting]

[upbeat rock music]

[both grunting]

- Ahh!
- Oh-ho-ho.

- Come on.

- Ahh!

- [whimpers]

- Ahh!
- When is it enough?

- What?

- They're about
to listen to each other.

- [breathing heavily]

When is it enough?

I mean, what, we punch and kick
each other all night

until somehow you lose?

I mean, we're both
indestructible, man.

So I ask,
when is it enough?

- I've been carrying around
this anger at you for so long,

I don't even know
how it started.

And I don't care anymore.

I just want it to end.

- Yeah, but how do we move past
all the awful stuff

we've done to each other?

- Through arts and crafts.

[Nickelback's "Photograph]

- Well, I guess it's official.

[indistinct chatter]

- This better be permanent.

- More permanent
than these temporary tattoos.

- Heck yeah, brother.

[laughter]

- And this is
a whole life change for me.

I'm ready to forgive everybody.

Even you, Bose.

- What did I do?

- I don't even know,
but I forgive you.

- Well, thanks.

- Hey, I don't want
this night to end,

but I feel this overwhelming
need to go make things right

with my ex.

- Oh, my God, me too.
- Really?

- You guys should do it.
- Yeah?

- Go, right now.
- Yeah.

- Don't let this moment
go to waste, men.

- See you around, friends.

- I'll call you.
- I'm picking up.

- For real, I'm not just gonna
say we're gonna do it.

We're actually gonna do it.
- We're gonna do it.

Okay.
- See ya. Love that guy.

- So you ready
to forgive Credenza?

- Wouldn't be a whole
life change if I wasn't.

Mika,
go get your bagpipes.

Chapa, go get
the "Marry Me" light.

Miles, I want you to rustle up
some rose petals.

Bosie, go get the heart-shaped
diamond from the Man's Nest.

And, Schwoz, you got the
proposal clothes cannon on you?

- I never leave home
without it.

Ohh.

[upbeat music]

- [giggling]

Okay, see you soon, Becky.

- [roaring]
- Oh!

Whoo, you sound fun tonight.

Okay.

Buddy, me and my girls are...

- Uh, Mom,
before your girls get here,

I think Ray has something
he wants to tell you.

[soft music]

- Credenza,
in the annals of history...

[bagpipe music]

Too soon.

- You said my cue was "annals."

- Yeah,
I forgot there's two annals.

There's another one coming up.
- What is going on?

- In the annals of history,

never has there been a love

more lovingly loveable
than loving--

- Ahh!
- Not yet!

- Finger slipped, I'm sorry.
That's my bad.

- Oh, could this possibly get
any worse?

- Drex?

all: Drex?

- Dad?

all: Dad?

- I feel like
this just got worse.

- Ay, oh, no, no, no, no!

[dramatic music]

- Dad, what are you doing here?

It's not your weekend.

all: Drex is your dad?

- Yeah.
- Do you all know each other?

- Funny story.
It all just kind of happened.

all: No!

- See,
the way that you say "no"

makes me think you do.

- Okay,
you should go upstairs.

- Why?
- Uh...

because I heard Becky is also
wearing a hot pink mini dress,

and if she sees you
in the same thing,

she will cut you.

- But tonight is my night.

Why would Becky wear
a hot pink mini dress?

- Mom, it's Becky.

Nothing she does
should surprise you.

- Oh, my God.
You're so right.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- I'm trying to make
things right with Credenza,

my ex-girlfriend.

- I'm trying to make things
right with Credenza,

my ex-wife.

- Oh, what have we done?

[tires screech,
cans rattling]

- Man, our cans are taking
a b*ating today.

- It's your mom's girls.

- They're here to take her
to Lil' Miami.

- Credenza's going out
with her girls to Lil' Miami?

- Yeah,
but we have a little time.

Doesn't sound like Becky's here
with the party bus yet.

- Becky's coming?

- I can't believe I ever got
this stupid tattoo.

- All right, uh,
we'll go distract the girls.

You three work this out
before Becky gets here.

- What are we gonna do?
We can't use our powers.

- It's cool.

I know how to distract women
like this.

Excuse me, ladies.

What's your favorite
juice cleanse?

- Oh, my God.
[indistinct chatter]

- Dad, what are you doing here?

- I made things right
with my mortal enemy,

so I came to apologize
to your mom

and try to get her back.

- Oh, well, you're gonna
have to apologize to her

with a mouth full of blood.

[both grunting]

- Honey?
all: Yes.

[both gasp]

- How's this dress?

all: Looks great.

- Oh, thanks.

Okay, I'm gonna go find
some earrings

while Ray and Drex
keep fighting over me.

all: Sounds good.

- She looks gorgeous.

- Quit looking at her!

[both grunting]

- I'm gonna rip your head off.

- How's it going in here?

- We need more time.
- On it.

Hey, have you ladies tried
pumpkin spice Pilates?

all: Oh, my God.

- Ahh!

[both grunting]

- Guys, stop.

Dad, I love you,
but you and Mom

weren't great together.

You kept leaving to do
evil stuff all the time.

- But I'm better now.

I did the MILES System.

I turned a leaf.

Dude, stop.

- I'll stop when you
let me propose.

- You were gonna propose?

- Yes.

Ankle kick.

- Oh!
- Ray, get up off the ground.

- Ladies, did you read
any good books lately

about old women finding their
joy again with younger men...

in Europe?

all: Oh, my God.

- [laughing]

- Look, Ray is a lot.

- Yeah, of muscle. What?

- But for whatever reason,
he makes Mom really happy,

happier than I've ever
seen her before.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Got her a heart-shaped
diamond and everything.

- She always did want
one of those.

- So if you let Ray propose
to Mom before Becky gets here,

there's a chance that we all
end up happily ever after

and no one goes to Lil' Miami
with the girls.

- All right, Ray,
you win again.

Somehow.

- Gross.
I'm not touching that thing.

'Cause I'm going in
for the hug.

[brakes whooshing]

Is that the air brakes
of a party bus?

- Oh, no.

- Becky's here!

- I've never seen anything
like her.

- Hide me.
Someone hide me.

- My MILES System
is getting tested today.

- Have you proposed yet?

- No.
- Take your time.

I'll handle Becky.

- Daddy, no!

- It's okay, son.

This is what friends do
for friends.

- Hey, Becky.

Remember me?

- [roars]
- Ahh!

- Well, I guess Becky's here.

- Go.
- Make it quick.

- I love you.

And I'm sorry I freaked out

about the whole
"Genuine Moments" thing.

I'll never do that again.

- I'm sorry I watched it
without you.

- I forgive you.

- [squeals]
- Yo.

- Box me, Bosie.

Credenza, will you make me
the happiest man in the world

by taking this heart-shaped
diamond ring

and being my wife?

- You know I will.

[laughs]
- Nice.

Annals!

[bagpipe music]

- [roars]

- Becky's wrapping up
a juice cleanse.

She's really hungry.
Everybody run!

- Go, go, go.
- [screams]

- Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.

- Sorry, I forgot my keys.
Excuse me.

- Where'd you get keys?
- I have keys--

- Becky's coming.

- I can handle Becky.

- [roars]
- I can't handle Becky!

[eerie music]

- Master.

- You're late.

[dramatic music]

The beacon is complete.

[thunder rumbling]

As I've said,
the prophecy will come true,

for he is coming.

- Truly, he is coming.

[vocalizing]