02x08 - Little Girl Blues

[bunniefuu]

Hey, it's OK. It's scary to meet your boyfriend's mom.

This is such a disaster.

Not at all!

My nose has stopped bleeding.

This is an old shirt.

I did love that vase.

I swear, I tripped on a marble.

I know. I mean, it's weird that we can't find it, but I'm sure it's real.

Here, Mom. Babe, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just got a little bit nervous.

I know how important your mom is to you.

I see her picture every time I'm in your bed.

Wait. You've been in his bed?

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, again?

Plus, Travis scared me.

He said that you always embarrass him whenever he brings a girl home.

Travis, I said I would never do that again.

[Sing-song] Hi, Kristen!

What was that?

What was what?

It's starting again.

[Sing-song] Hi, Kristen!

Hi, Kristen!

Hi, Kristen!

[Half-hearted] Hey, Kristen!

OK, everybody. Big finish.

[All] Hi, Kristen!

♪ It's Kirsten But you could call me whatever

♪ I hate that I'm singing ♪

She's like a nervous little bird.

Did you want something to drink?

A glass of wine?

Yes.

Whoa. Hey.

You gotta be 21 to drink in this house.

She's a grad student. She's 23.

Let us help you get your bag upstairs.

Yeah.

It's about laundry time.

Oh, boy, this is heavy.

Great, let's do a load.

You know what those idiots are doing, yes?

Twenty-three, baby!

Twenty-three!

That is my boy. Whoo!

How'd your old girlfriend from high school take it? Was she crushed?

You'll be back. Let's go, Turbo.

Yeah. She was totally crushed.

But what are you gonna do?

I mean, Kirsten's amazing.

[All chortling]

How amazing? Like?

# Chica-bow-wow...

How would you guys rate that on the Creep-o-Meter, about infinity?

Screw it. She said it was the best ever. What up?

Whoo-hoo!

# Bow-chica-bow-wow!

How come he gets to do it?

Hey, quick Dad moment.

Trav, be responsible.

Remember Mom's song?

♪ If you're headed in a sexy direction

♪ You'd better use contraception

♪ 'Cause babies destroy your dreams ♪

It's weird that we all know that song.

You kids make yourself at home.

I gotta get back to work.

Everybody else, let's clear out.

OK, so what do we think of her?

Do you think she wears perhaps a skosh too much make-up?

Impossible. There's no such thing.

You look like you poured your make-up on the floor and rolled around in it.

Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup counter I frequent, would beg to differ.

Well, I like Kristen.

Do you have any cookies?

No, but he does hide candy bars in the top shelf behind the cereal.

Someone's got an eating disorder.

Total manorexic.

Does he have any coconut water?

[Jules] Coconut water?

I can't believe you just let them all in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I rarely listen to you.

What'd you say?

Once they're in, they're never gonna leave.

They're like human bed bugs.

Zoned again. What?

Hmm...

Hope you don't mind, I threw a quick load in the washer.

[Whispering] Bed bugs.

Hey, we don't have to go to my dad's boat if you're feeling...

I'm not tired.

Although, I should probably get a...

Get a sweater? I'll wait here.

Yeah. OK.

Be right back.

Yoo-hoo...

[chuckling]

The only person who could ever finish my sentences was my foster brother.

That's why we dated.

Relax. We were ten, and he moved back to Romania before we did anything major.

Come on. So, she finishes his sentences.

Big deal. I can do that.

Hey, Mom, can you...

Toss you an apple? Sure.

Uh, no. I just wanted a...

Banana. Done.

OK. Stop throwing fruit.

Just needed...

Bacon? Batteries. Tissues. Nailed it.

It's like you're inside my brain.

Face it, Jules, you met the man you married in college.

It's a big difference. Travis is 19.

I was 19 and a half.

Brother-kisser is right.

All of Travis' girlfriends now are potential daughters-in-law.

Then, one of them is gonna convince Travis to yank your feeding tube out.

[Gasps]

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm winding you up like a toy robot and letting you go.

[Mimicking robot noises]

Laurie?

I'm sorry.

[Squeaks]

Wow. So is your dad, like, some sort of eccentric genius?

Yes. Except for the genius part.

I could use a little break from your parents.

Maybe tonight we can hang out, just the two of us.

[Chuckles]

Oh, God.

Why the sad sigh?

You weren't napping?

Thought this would be like sleeping in the clouds, but it's just terrifying.

[Gasping]

[Sighs] Kirsten and I have only been together once.

And yeah, she said it was amazing, but I had a cold.

I was all goofy on cough syrup.

Dad, I don't remember what I did.

You know, what if I'm no good next time?

Sounds like you got a classic case of RPA. Repeat Performance Anxiety.

Did you know that your dad's bathroom is a fish t*nk?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's OK, I got a seatbelt on this bad boy.

I know I'm gonna lose Travis someday, but the thought of it is just so scary that sometimes I act a little crazy.

Disagree with me.

Oh, you don't.

Not at all.

No, no, I do. Someone needs to stop me before I do something stupid.

You need a Jules-Cobb-Stopper.

Laurie, you could be my Cobb-Stopper.

You chose me?

What's up, number two?

How's my dust taste?

[Mimics engine revving]

Jules knows that if I talk to Kristen she'll just mention some indie band to me that I've never heard of, and then I'll see her hot, young ass and I'll have to punch her in the face.

Oh.

Laurie, this is not gonna be easy.

I'm gonna get mean, but, no matter what, do not stop Cobb-Stopping.

That's hard to say.

Do not stop Cobb-Stopping.

Do not stop Cobb-St... Stopping.

Oh, it is hard to say.

Not for me.

Oh, hey, guys. So, I cooked us a little family dinner for tonight.

Ooh... Kirsten actually wanted me to take her out for pizza.

Oh.

But whatever, it's cool, whatever.

I can do whatever.

No. Me whatever.

It's cool, whatever.

No, I mean, whatever.

[Stammers] Whatever you want, Travis.

You've been on the job for two seconds and she's already asking her son to choose between his mother and the cute blonde that he's doinking.

Yeah. I think we're gonna stick with the pizza.

No biggie. It's more for me.

[Chuckles]

Sweetie, do you need Big Joe?

He'll never leave.

Here.

[Sighs] Thank you.

I love you.

Give me that.

[Jules] Oh, you're a doodle bug.

No, you're a doodle bug.

Oh, nibbly face.

[Mock giggling, scoffing]

Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey, guys.

Kirsten made scones.

[Kirsten] They're my granny's recipe, she taught me it before she d*ed.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Ah. OK. See ya.

She made scones, Grayson.

[Sighs] Thank you.

Kristen said that her grandmother gave her the recipe right before she d*ed.

Really? You know, when my soul is being ripped from my body, I'm gonna be yelling, "No, no.

Please. I'm not ready yet."

I'm not teaching people how to make scones.

Two... tablespoons... butter.

[Groaning]

Oh! Get, get off me.

Why is Tom here?

His house was sprayed by that skunk that's in the neighborhood.

Smells so bad, I just sit in my yard all day.

Am I part of the g*ng now?

Calm down, we'll see.

Grayson, I don't think you're being a very good host. Go make some coffee.

Yeah, go make some coffee.

Cream, no sugar. That'd be great.

I'd like a tea.

Tom can have my place in the g*ng.

[Ringing]

[Gasps]

Wha?

Kristen is trying to battle me for Travis' soul.

Is she really?

I don't know, but she baked stuff.

I'm heading back over there.

I need my Cobb-Stopper.

Hey. Where's Grayson?

Sorry, I only have one coffee cup.

Why aren't you leaving?

This is fun. I feel Japanese.

[All speak Japanese]

Hey, Dad, can I talk to you for a sec?

I only have, like, ten minutes.

I'm supposed to be jogging.

I know talking about sex can be tough, but you look really uncomfortable.

Hey, this is guy talk, buddy.

They're guys.

Now, the best way for me to help is to demonstrate how I make romance with the ladies.

G-Iove, on my lap.

You picked him?

Come on, he's more feminine than you.

I only shave my legs to swim faster.

OK, this is a bad idea. You know what, I'm old enough to handle it on my own.

Well, if you need me, Grayson's door is always open.

Trav, being good at sex isn't something you can learn.

You gotta be born with it.

And let's just say I've got the gift.

He does.

My window faces your window.

Oh...

Go home, Tom. OK.

OK.

The cliché when you're with a woman is to think about baseball, but you know what works for me? I always just imagine her without a face.

I think I actually read that tip in Ted Bundy's biography.

Thanks for the horrible advice, but I have to get back from my jog now.

Oh. Hi.

Looking for that marble, aren't you?

Yeah. I'm an idiot.

Oh, no, you're not.

I am so glad that you came to visit.

[Door opening, closing]

You're so nice.

Trav and I really wanted to come this weekend in case we go to see my parents for Thanksgiving. Oh!

Oh, no, no. Just breathe, Jules.

I'm gonna head upstairs and take a quick shower. Do you guys know where Trav is?

[Chuckles] Well, you're such a control freak about how he's gonna spend his holidays, you tell me.

What's happening?

Just shower and don't look back.

There is no marble and you know it!

I've got more to say to her.

Get out of my way?

No, I am Cobb-Stopping.

When you get like this, you can't pull out of it, and you always regret it.

Liar. Oh, I don't know why I'm surprised.

You lie to the world every single day with your cheap dye job.

It's so yellow, it looks like chicken fat.

You said you'd be mean, but, wow, that cut like a Kn*fe.

[Door opening]

[Panting] Just knocked out a 4K.

Whoo! Where's Kirsten?

I think she's upstairs.

Oh, cool.

Where did Laurie go?

We need to talk.

Nice shoulders.

Thanks?

If you want my help, you're gonna have to ask.

Please help me. Please.

Bobby is covering my kitchen in newspaper and sharpening a Kn*fe.

That can't be good.

He's probably just gutting a boar.

They won't leave.

How come they never hang out here?

[Door opening, closing]

You have to build some kind of barrier to keep them out.

Hey, Ellie, do you got any more of...

Shh! Stan's sleeping.

[Whispers] Sorry.

[Door opening, closing]

[Whispers] Like what kind of barrier?

You don't have to whisper, 'cause Stan's at the park with the nanny.

Wow. I'm like down here and you're, like, up here.

Even higher.

Look, Jules has some Travis issues, so she's gonna steam-roll you.

She's like a shark, Kristen. Do you know what you do when a shark comes at you?

[Mimics impact]

You punch it in the nose.

Can I have my clothes back?

Jules is threatened by you because you're 23 but, honey, you're acting like a little kid.

If I busted into my shower and took my clothes from me, I'd be all, "Give me back my clothes, you sexy townie ho."

Go ahead. You try it.

Give me back my clothes, you sexy girl.

I left out the "townie ho" part because I feel like you're being nice to me, even though you are doing it in a scary, threatening way.

Oh, boy. OK. Here you go.

Thank you.

Just remember. Shark punch.

[Gasps]

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Whoa. Cold feet.

[Chuckling]

I missed you. Come here.

I'm sorry, you know, it's just, my mom's right down the hallway and I'm still pretty zonked from that jog.

Oh. All right.

Why am I such a fitness fanatic?

This place sucks.

The window is a no-go.

Try the doorbell again.

[Doorbell ringing repeatedly]

I've done this before.

[Clattering noises]

Ooh!

We just came by to watch the Designing Women we recorded.

Man, back in the day, Delta Burke was really bringing it.

Pow-pow!

I have a bad back.

Ah! Good morning, early bird.

Oh, speaking of birds, I was thinking about Thanksgiving and if you want Travis to come to your house, you're gonna have to cut him out of my arms. Orange juice?

No, thanks. I think I'll have some breakfast wine.

You can't drink my wine.

I brought this wine as a gift.

Therefore, it is my wine.

And, I will drink whatever I want, you sexy townie ho.

I wouldn't.

[Gasps]

[Thundering]

[Thundering clatter]

How cool is that with the sheet?

[Thundering noises continue]

This is my fault. I gave you the impression that I'm some kind of kid, but I'm a woman, Jules.

You don't even like wine, do you?

Yes. I do. I've just never had it right after brushing my teeth.

I've had it while brushing my teeth.

That's one for Jules.

Travis is too young to drink.

You better not be encouraging him.

I don't let him drink.

Ooh! That's one for Kristen.

You don't decide what my son can do.

Travis! Get down here and have a glass of wine!

You know what, Jules, I...

Ah!

Marble. I told you.

Well, at least you didn't break anything this time.

Psh-shaw...

[slow motion yelling] No! Big Joe!

Oh, my God, I am so, so sorry.

He was family.

What's going on?

Your Uncle Joe is dead, but you're allowed to start drinking.

Sounds like a plan.

You have not been there for me once this weekend.

Kristen.

It's Kirsten, are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, Laurie, I cannot do what you told me to do.

Kri... Kirsten.

What'd you tell her, Chicken Fat?

Wait! I want to enjoy this. Go.

Hey, don't ever knock.

I didn't. Trav tells me that you guys filled his head with tall tales of how great you guys are in the sack.

We're gonna tell the truth. Me first.

Please don't.

Trav, I'm bad at sex.

There's a lot of thrashing and thumping, but nothing really gets done.

I'm like a broken dishwasher.

Andy, you're up.

OK, fine. [sighs]

I get such pre-sex jitters that I have to do a confidence dance.

G-Man, take us home.

I get so terrified of living up to expectations that my butt gets really cold. Now I can only hook up under tons of blankets or with, like, a hot water bottle on it, or...

That's what being a man is. Living in constant fear of disappointing a woman.

Well, thanks for the advice, Dad, Andy, Chilly Tush. But it's too late, Kirsten already hates me.

It's not cold now, weirdo.

Actually, it is cold.

It's a little cold.

It is?

Yeah.

I can't believe you went behind my back and told her to stand up to me.

How are you this tiny and this strong?

You're like an ant.

You're supposed to be on my side.

This isn't about you, Jules. Come on.

What's going on?

I blew it with Kirsten.

Everybody in the kitchen.

They need to talk.

Aw...

Tell me what's going on.

Tom!

I'm reading.

Fine.

I pushed Kirsten away over something so dumb.

You are really dumb.

I don't know how to fix it.

Well, we could run away together.

[Chuckles] I'm just kidding.

Unless you want to.

Look, you and Kirsten are so close, that there is nothing that could've happened in two days that would ever change that.

Really. You just need to go talk to her.

OK.

Thanks for being so cool to her.

She didn't say anything?

No.

Oh. Then you're welcome.

We fix it?

Yeah.

Hey, Chilly Tush.

That spread quickly.

So, it's official. I have to walk the streets to get any peace.

You must be happy.

Why does everyone think I enjoy watching them fail?

Because you do.

That's true.

But our houses are like dominoes.

If yours falls, mine is next.

You gotta get them out. Find a way.

[Whispers] Skunk.

[Whispers] Find a way.

[Yelling]

[All screaming]

[Giggling] Imaginary hat.

Imaginary clown nose.

[Honking noise]

What are we doing?

Why does nobody get this?

I'm so sorry for being such a...

Insecure jerk?

You're still finishing my sentences.

I'm gonna go grab my wallet, throw on some sweet body spray...

No body spray. Then we're going out.

So, have you had a fun weekend here?

Oh, yeah, it was fantastic.

Will you come sit with me? Please.

Don't be afraid. Come here.

I know that I can get crazy when it comes to Travis.

I mean, everyone is sick of it.

It's really bad.

I know, but the upside of having a boyfriend with a psycho mom is I've taught him to be the type of guy someone like you would want to be with.

So, the way he always opens the door for me?

You're welcome.

How he never looks at other girls?

You're welcome.

The way he kisses?

Yeah, you're welcome.

[Door opening, closing]

I did teach him on his teddy bear, so I'm rolling with it.

What's up? My place is a stink pit.

OK. Grab me a soda. Thanks.

Let me say yes first.

Yes.

See, we women have a great responsibility.

We have the power to control the men in our lives.

I said soda, not slow-da!

Don't abuse it like I do.

Be nice to my boy.

I promise, Jules.

Thanks.

I don't want to know what this conversation is about, do I?

No, you don't, sweetie.

Ooh. Less ice.

Let me say yes, damn it!

Yes.

Men. Jeez.

We are all here to pay respect to Big Joe.

He was always there for me when I needed him.

Ellie?

I remember when I first met Big Joe.

He was holding 8,000 pennies in an antique store.

I walked right by, but Jules, she gave him a home.

I'll see you at the crossroads, homie.

I know we weren't dating, but I buried both of my parents last year, and none of you came.

Anyway, with goodbyes come new beginnings.

Everyone, say hello to Big Carl.

[Gasps]

Rest in peace, Big Joe.

We'll always remember the good times.

[Dramatic piano music plays]