02x17 - You're Gonna Get It

[bunniefuu]

OK, we all know why we're over here.

Because we're always here?

Partly.

But today, Bobby's heading off to do his first pro golf tournament in years.

To Bobby!

[All cheer]

To me!

[Clinking]

Jules, I didn't know that you sponsor an African child.

Oh, yeah. Little Omari, he's ten.

I gotta say, those letters are getting a little repetitive, "It's hot, I'm hungry, there's snakes," you know.

Sure, sure.

[Jules] Look, I'm glad to write checks, but it would be great if we did actual volunteer work, you know?

I raise money for public schools.

I help eradicate non-indigenous species in the Everglades.

I don't know what that means.

I volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Being a taster doesn't count.

I volunteer at a women's shelter.

So, everybody does charity work except for Andy and me?

I volunteer at the shelter, too.

During self-defense classes, the women take turns kicking me in the crotch.

So, it's like a day at home for you.

[Laughing]

Laugh! I am totally tweeting that.

"Another day, another kick in the crotch."

TheLarmy is gonna love this one.

That's my Twitter name, "TheLarmy" stands for "The Laurie's Army."

[Silent mouthing]

Good God. An army of jellybeans.

Bobby, I wish you'd let me go with you.

Sorry, J-Bird. If you're there, I'll be as nervous as a rabbity... [indistinct]

[Quietly] What'd he say?

I have no idea.

You can come Saturday if I make the cut.

When you make the cut!

OK, everybody, let's hold hands. Come on.

No!

[Mutters] Come on, let's do it.

Bobby, give me your lucky visor.

Now, everyone, close your eyes.

Feel your body's positive energy, all of it, feel it flowing through the hat.

This is what I do with my life now.

I'm instructing TheLarmy to tweet positive vibes. They're called Twibes.

Bobby doesn't need vibes, I'm his caddy!

Got it covered.

His putter's on top of the car.

I know that.

And away we go!

Positive vibes on the car, everyone!

Positive vibes!

[Exhaling]

Just when I thought your bar couldn't get any less cool. Bar trivia!

Welcome to T.G.I. Grayson's, everyone.

It'll be good for business.

Ugh. These games are designed to make you feel like a fool in front of total strangers.

[Chime]

I mean, seriously, it's my biggest fear.

When it happens, I go into total-body shutdown, I can't speak, I look like a super-sexy corpse.

Way to self-compliment.

I thought I snuck it in there.

OK, let's play.

Jellybean's out for obvious reasons.

What? Why me?

Jules is also out.

Yep, biggest fear.

Biggest fear. So that leaves me, college, and the bartender who pretends he's smart but who methinks is secretly a jelly.

Oh, it's on, ice woman.

What's Bobby's lucky visor doing here?

Oh, no. He and Andy stopped by here for lunch. They must have forgotten it.

Oh, great. Are we sure Andy is the right person to take care of him?

All right, everything's put away.

You think I could fit in this duffel bag?

I do not.

OK, we're agreed. Whoever loses trivia has to drive Bobby's visor to him.

What? You're not even playing!

I know.

He's just pissy 'cause he's in last place.

[Buzzer buzzes]

Are you OK there, buddy?

You seem a little dumb.

Yeah, what, does your college just let anyone in?

No, you have to be really good at art.

So, yeah.

I am so glad I'm not playing that game.

I mean, look.

Some doctor named Benjamin Rush signed the Declaration of Independence?

Hmm.

The only two names I know are John Hancock and Richard Stands.

John Hancock is a real person?

I thought it was a sex act.

OK, so now that I feel so guilty, what charity do you think I should jump into?

Do mine! It's called The Wonder Of Reading, and we help raise funding to keep libraries in public schools.

I went to a crap school in a crap neighborhood, and reading really got me out.

Aw, really?

[Laughs] No! Car modeling did.

But it's really fun to say reading did.

[Buzzer buzzes]

Damn it!

How the hell am I supposed to know who Bob Griese is?

Sorry, sport. Good news, we'll never call you sport again, 'cause obviously you know nothing about sports.

[Chuckles] Bad news is you have to drive two hours to deliver a magical visor full of dreams and rainbows.

[Continues chuckling]

Which are real and important.

I will not be mocked!

[Imitates Travis]

I will not be mocked.

Mom, they're mocking me.

[Imitates Travis] Mocking is bad!

I know, sweetie.

But your dad needs you.

So you drive up there and make sure things go smoothly.

Is this really necessary?

Dude, get me out of here, man! My golfing shoulder is starting to cramp!

The zipper's stuck!

Oh, my God.

From now on, I'm in charge. Dad, we have to sign in at the clubhouse at eight AM.

I set your alarm, laid out some clothes, and bought you some socks.

Andy, you're carrying a heavy bag in the hot sun for hours. You ready for that?

I've been training in the pool for weeks.

[Overlapping chatter]

I wasn't pointing fingers, Carol.

I just think we should've had enough coffee and Danish for the teachers as well.

[Squeals] You are gonna be the best thing that ever happened to this charity, but I can't believe how quickly you took over.

[Chuckles] Watch this. Shh! Shh!

[Chatter stops]

I own the shush-clap. [chuckles]

We are so excited about our new library.

Can we give a big round of applause to the women who helped make it happen?

Would you ladies like to say something?

I didn't prepare anything.

Mm-mm.

Reading... is everything.

I grew up in the hood, y'all.

My best friend, JoJo, got sh*t in the face.

It should've been me.

But... reading got me out.

I think it would be appropriate if Mrs. Cobb led the Pledge of Allegiance.

All rise.

Wow, cool, OK.

[Children reciting along]

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for Richard Stands...

What?

It's "for which it stands."

Oh.

Oh, no. Full-body shutdown. Breathe.

Jules, honey, just breathe!

[Strained voice] Help me...

I thought Richard Stands wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.

That's why he got to sign the Declaration of Independence.

Of course.

Sure.

Richard Stands sounds real.

Like one of those guys that you don't really know what he did, but there's a beer named after him.

You know who should have a beer named after them? Ben Franklin.

Yeah, he invented baseball, he was an awesome president, and he made the first wig.

Zero of those things are correct.

Well, OK.

Those kids are gonna tell their parents what happened, their parents are gonna tell their friends...

This is why you don't do charity work.

I'm gonna go up and get in my bed for about a week.

Just tell everyone I have mono.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You shouldn't feel stupid.

You know, most Americans don't even know who the Secretary of State is.

[Whispers] Please don't ask me.

Well, hell, I don't even know how many Supreme Court Justices there are.

We're all dumb.

Speak for yourself. There are nine.

Nine.

Mm-hmm. And how many members of Congress are there?

That's a trick question.

'Cause, you know, it depends on, uh...

...you know, what the lobbyists are doing in the districts...

Fine, we're all dumb.

Really?

[Chuckles] I'm so dumb!

Yes.

Aw. Thank you! You know what? From this point forward, what happened at that school will not bother me.

Atta boy, Richard.

[Groans]

That will never be spoken of again, which is why it will not bother me.

Good-bye.

So, I hear that she kicked your ass.

Must sting to lose to Oldie Locks.

I let her win.

Really? Let's go again.

Ooh! Can I play too?

That would be like taking candy from a baby... No, an animal baby!

[Chuckles] You're so mean!

I swear, I can't get over it.

It's good, right?

Uh-huh.

Don't take me lightly.

I'm actually better than you think.

You'd have to be.

[Chuckles]

Ooh! Hot mustard!

These holes are smaller here.

Look, you just need to calm down, OK?

Maybe stop randomly holding your breath so much.

[Exhales]

Andy, what's going on?

You having a little stroke?

I got some water in my ear this morning doing my drills in the hotel pool.

You went in that pool? It's gross.

There's a dead seagull in it.

I better run and get rubbing alcohol to dry it out.

No. There's no time.

Man, I'm nervous.

Andy, confidence dance.

All right.

Andy? Man down, Trav. Sub in, baby.

[Beeps]

[Cell phone rings]

This guy keeps looking at me like he knows what happened at the school.

I bet he's the dad of that little blonde girl.

They both have the same stupid ponytail.

You're imagining it. Stay strong.

Thank you, I'm much better now. OK.

All right, time out on the game.

It's your turn. Three, two, one...

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Jules.

Hey.

I really don't think that's why he's staring at you.

You know, honey, he probably just thinks you're really hot.

My calves do look pretty great.

You know, the trick is to store your cookies on the top shelf.

And then you just go for them one at a time.

OK, sweetie.

[Beep]

Game on.

[Chime]

Yes! [laughs]

The answer is Grandma Moses!

You should've gotten that, Ellie.

Weren't the two of you, like, sorority sisters?

All right, game off!

Bobby's about to play.

No, we're playing!

What?

I said game off.

[applause on TV]

[Man] Next up is Bobby Cobb.

A great story. A local club pro and at 40, his career is getting a second act.

All right, bud. Now or never.

Moment of truth, Bobby!

[Ioudly] Am I talking loud?

[Silent mouthing]

Let's hold hands.

OK.

Bobby needs positive vibes.

Vibes can't be sent through a TV.

What do you know about vibes?

Or positivity for that matter?

Come on, hold my hand. Everybody!

[man] Beautiful sh*t!

Whoo!

Psychically strong!

Do you take requests? 'Cause I'd like to talk to my dead parents.

All right, finish the game.

Uh-oh. Last question, and this one's gonna decide it.

Huh. Where is Mauritania?

[Clattering]

Aw! Looks like pretty boy is out.

I know this, I know this.

Doesn't seem like you do. Africa.

[Chime]

Boom! I win!

No!

"Dear TheLarmy, Operation Suck It is complete."

OK, put Bobby back on.

Well, well, if it isn't Gulf Haven's resident historian.

Excuse me?

I was talking with my life coach, Kenny.

Yes, I have a life coach, which is why I'm kicking ass!

His daughter told him about your recent pledge gaffe at her school.

I knew it!

[Cackling]

Richard Stands. [giggles] Yeesh.

Oh, but thank you!

Everybody's gonna know.

No, honey.

Hey, Bobby's back on.

All right, 260 yards to the green.

My brain says play it safe, but my man parts say go for it.

Andy, hand me the hammer.

I can't hear anything.

Act out what you said.

[Exhales]

Oh, hammer! [muttering]

Dear Lord, you know I don't bother you unless it's important.

Except for the time that I asked you to speed up my bangs.

But I'm sorry, it was just... seemed so serious.

But this is a true emergency.

Please, please take the spotlight off of me and put it onto someone else. Amen.

[Applause]

Oh! Whoo-hoo!

[man] That's a great...

[man 2] Wait! Oh, no, Bobby Cobb has just hit his competitor's ball onto the green!

[Man 1] I don't think he even knows that he's made a huge, huge error.

Bobby celebrates,

riding his club like it's a horse.

[hooting]

[Man 2] That's a two-stroke penalty for hitting another player's ball.

[Man 1] Why didn't his caddy stop him?

I don't know.

[man 2] Uh, he appears to be drunk.

[Man 1] What a devastating start for this local club pro.

[Man 2] I just hope our guy is strong enough to bounce back and not let it sink him.

[man 1] Uh, he's not.

Now you listen?

Not a great day for local golf pro, Bobby Cobb, who after hitting another player's ball in a tournament, had a full-on meltdown.

Not to mention his caddy stumbling into a sand trap.

Well, at least they didn't use the name.

Hats off to you, Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb. You're a legend.

[Sighing]

You were on TV. That's neat!

Yeah, I'm going home.

Oh, come on, man.

Nobody watches sports...

"Wrong Balls" is trending on Twitter.

It's above "Bieber."

Helpful.

What?

You all sound like that teacher on the Peanuts cartoon.

Get out! Out, out, out!

This is my fault.

Travis, blaming yourself for someone else's actions is ridiculous.

Besides, I made this happen by wishing it so. I really abused my powers.

You don't have any powers!

[Andy] Out! Out! Out!

My psychic said you'd say that.

Psychics are stupid.

She said you'd say that.

Well, I can't win at this game.

Calm down, this is my screw up.

Let me go apologize to Dad.

No, this is my bad.

I get to apologize to him.

Cool! Wizard versus nerd!

[Dramatic voice]

I'll strike you down with my spell!

[Squeaky voice]

No, science is the answer!

[Andy] Out, out, out, out, out, out, out!

Ah! Aha! I think I got it out.

Somebody say something to me.

[Door opens]

Wah, wah-wah, wah, wah-wah.

[Door closes]

It chews gum while it eats buffalo wings.

How did it b*at us?

Look, I used to watch Jeopardy every day because I had a major lady rod for Alex Trebek.

Until I found out he was Canadian. Gross.

This can't end like this.

Team up if you want.

I'll take you both down together.

Want to form an alliance, team up like NATO?

Isn't Nato the guy that lived in O.J.'s guest house?

How?

I just don't understand how you can't see this is all my fault.

Um, because you're not magic.

Aah! [grunts]

Oh, honey, I just wish that water would come out already.

Ah-ha-ha! [chuckling]

I believe.

Look!

How many of these have you sold?

Ten.

OK, I'm gonna buy the rest. Here.

OK, everybody, we gotta find the other ten.

Let's split up!

OK.

No, no. Go. Move it!

Get out of the way.

[Mouthing]

I need that shirt.

Give me the shirt.

You're a weirdo!

This will never be spoken of again. Come on.

[Buzzer buzzes]

What? [sputters]

"'Sup, TheLarmy?

I'm super busy whupping some chumphouses!"

Hey, bartender. How could you miss a question about bartending?

I don't know, OK? You missed the one about blood-draining parasites.

Not the same.

[High voice] It is the same!

All right, what's up? [clears throat]

Mom said I could apologize first, and then she's going to, and I quote, "Bring it home with some real emotion."

[Clicks teeth]

Look, you always have my back, I feel awful... She's inhaling to cut me off and start talking, so I want to close with I love you!

It was my fault.

I was so embarrassed by that school thing that I wished that something bad would happen to take the spotlight off of me. I wished that you would mess up.

OK, Trav, go ahead. Dive in, let him know what you did was worse.

Nope! You win. That's horrible.

So, you Noonaned me?

What?

Caddyshack reference.

Means you wanted him to mess up.

Oh, yes then I Noonaned you.

I would do anything to take this all back.

I even went out and bought all these shirts.

What kind of jerk would want to profit from your pain?

What up? [laughs]

[Whistles] Thank you very much.

[Chime]

Yes!

OK.

[Chuckles] Ooh, last question.

[Beeps]

No fair! Music from the 80s?

You guys, I'm too young.

All I know about music from the 80s is...

...everything!

I feel good about this.

I slept with a few bands in the 80s.

Yeah? Well, I hope you banged your way from a-ha to ZZ Top because we need this.

[# Foster The People: Pumped Up Kicks]

You always did hate to be embarrassed, J-Bird.

[Chuckles] I'm weird that way.

When somebody humiliates me, I go straight-up revenge.

[Cell phone alert chimes]

Oh. Oh, hey, Dad, what's the name of that 38 Special song you like?

"Hold On Loosely."

Thank you.

"Hold On Loosely"!

[Chime]

Oh! Game, set, miz-atch!

Aw. Bar's closed!

Everybody out, bar's closed!

Wow! Big brain and rockin' hoots and stems?

Just goes to show you, can never judge a book by its front part.

I'm serious. I'm serious! Everyone out.

[All laugh]

I've been helping her destroy them all day!

You are an evil genius!

I'm just evil.

OK. First off, you know these T-shirts are non-refundable, right?

Yeah, I saw the sign on the table.

Secondly, you didn't make anything happen to me.

I know. I mean, I am very powerful.

So powerful.

Yep, you control things with your mind.

I mean, I wanted you to do so well in that tournament.

But then I got a little bit embarrassed, and then that just went out the window.

I'm just... I'm so sorry Bobby.

I got a one-word response to that.

[Blows raspberry]

Ha! Come on, I wanna show you something.

Wrong Balls!

You know it!

[Man] No way. It's Wrong Balls!

That's right, baby!

Hey, buddy.

Here you go.

Thanks, Mr. Wrong Balls.

Did you hear that?

He called me "Mister."

Aw. There's always a first.

Jules, embarrassing things happen to me a lot.

So what's the point in hiding from it?

I just put on a big smile and I say, "I chunked it, world, and I think it's funny, too!"

And the next thing you know, boom!

Pop culture phenom.

Wrong Balls!

Hey, call me.

You know, now that I'm famous, my golf lessons are booked solid.

I don't even have to buy my own drinks anymore.

Well, you never did that.

Well, now it's not stealing.

True.

And you know how much I like meatball subs, right?

Well, guess who's the new spokesperson for Mel's Hoagie Hut.

[Stammering] I can't believe this.

Hey, look, I know you biffed it with the kids yesterday.

Stupid blabby town!

Well, just remember, you can't hear the world laughing at you if you're laughing harder.

You gotta own it, sugar.

Hey, it's me, the Richard Stands lady.

[All giggle]

OK. Shh! Shh!

[Giggling stops]

Now, before I start reading, I thought we would do the real Pledge of Allegiance. All rise.

[Children reciting along]

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands...

...one nation under God, invisible...

What?

[Giggling]

Because God is invisible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see it.

[Bobby] That makes total sense.

I've never seen God.

I know...

That's something a jellybean...

Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here for Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub.

[Man] Don't eat, genius, you won't be able to talk.

[Muffled] It's so good... [indistinct]

[Man] Cut.

[Beep]

Hey, kids, Bobby "Bong Walls" Cobb here.

Cut.

[Beep]

Hey, Bobby "Wrong Balls" Cobb here for Mel's Hoagie Hut's new meatball sub.

It's so good and 100 percent horse-free.

[Man] Not a good thing to say.

[Beep]

Take it from me, don't eat the wrong balls, eat the right balls.

[Man] Well, finally, one we can use.

Can I eat now?