03x12 - Square One

[bunniefuu]

We are so lucky the hurricane only damaged Grayson's house.

Mm.

Yes.

That was really lucky.

I love that you guys are forced to live here together until your place is fixed.

It's like "The Real World," if they did it with old and boring people.

You know what my wake-up present was this morning?

This one forgot to flush her pee.

It's called "being green."

(Chuckles) I'm sorry I care about the future of our planet.

Think of the children.

(Chuckles) I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were so passionate about the environment.

Just try to know me, okay?

(Chuckles)

(Whispers) Okay. Bye.

Forgot to flush, didn't ya?

Yeah.

(Sighs) I need coffee.

I was up all night on my computer with army boyfriend Wade bumpin' cyber-uglies.

When I busted open my American flag bra, it was like, Tali-bam!

Enough sex talk. It's not fair to lover boy over there.

Look at him. He's glazed over, just counting the seconds till he can get to his room for a solo sesh.

Seriously?

Would you leave him alone?

You know, what you do up there is your business.

Praying for death right now.

(Chuckles) What?

It's so natural. I do it.

Ohh. That's gonna leave a mark.

I will have my revenge, but I need to shut it down for a minute.

Ellie is just jealous because when it comes to bringing the sexy, I am like a heart att*ck in a thong.

(Knuckles cr*ck) Seriously.

One time I k*lled a guy and brought him back without even stopping.

That is a fake story. like you're being electrocuted.

(Imitates electricity crackling)

(High-pitched voice) "What?"

(Strained voice) "It's so good."

(Imitates electricity crackling)

Besides, I am much sexier than you.

Okay. You both have your strengths.

You are creative.

Yes.

You're flexible.

You've got daddy issues, which... that's always fun, and you're classy, but you have a dark side that draws you in.

I'm like the Dexter of sex.

I love you, and then I will k*ll you.

In order to prove who's better, you have to find somebody you've both slept with.

Okay, so I went through your lists of sexual partners, and, uh... (Chuckles)

Let me tell ya, that's a lot of names.

(Gasps) (Whispers) Ohh.

Hos.

Anyway, meet our hero...

Vincent Hawthorne.

Vincent.

I helped him blow through his trust fund in the '90s.

You must have done a good job, because in 2007, he was "Vinny," and he worked at a car wash in Tampa.

(Whispers)

Ohh. Vincent, no.

Wow. You guys weren't gonna move in together until you got married.

This is a big deal.

It doesn't seem like it.

Nope. (Chuckles)

Lynn's off her game today.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

I'm not off my g--

You just got here.

Anyway, you know how I never like to toot my own horn.

(Whispers) Wow.

About us moving in together--

It's not a big deal because I am incredibly easy to live with.

Merp! (Chuckles)

That's the noise I'm gonna make every time you toot your own horn.

You know I hate when people use noises for words.

Look, I know you guys think it's gonna be easier because you've both been married before, but sometimes it works against you.

Sometimes people place their ex's baggage onto their current partner.

That's dumb.

(Both laugh)

I know, right? (Laughs)

(Mouths words)

Survey says...

(Blows raspberry)

(Both laugh)

I feel like you're not even trying.

(Chuckles)

What?

Earlier today, I got a man to say "I'm sorry" to his wife for the first time.

Okay, granted, that's not going to unstrangle her.

Grr.

Oh. (Coughs)

(Strained voice)

Help me, Lynn. (Coughs)

Tell my story.

(Chuckles)

Oh.

Bobby, you can't drink wine on the couch anymore.

You always spill.

Do not.

Wine.

Motor oil.

Mustard.

I mean, how do you even get mustard on the ceiling?

Mustard fight.

He started it.

By daring you to start a mustard fight.

Oh, you're just as messy as me.

Oh, really?

White shirt challenge.

First person who gets a stain on their shirt loses.

No napkins. No mercy.

Game on.

Great. (Chuckles)

(Gasps) Oh, would you like a burrito?

Mm.

Go out for it.

Ooh! (Makes whooshing sound)

I'm open!

It's a trick!

(Whooshes)

I just did that to my own house.

Man: Yeah.

I-I remember both of you two.

What's up, girls? You want to come over... together?

Oh, that would settle it.

No.

Hey, Vinny, do you remember when we first met and I asked you if you were that actor from "The Fast And The Furious"...

(Door opens)

And you said yes, and then we had sex that was so hot...

(Door closes)

I totally forgave you for lying?

What's going on?

Shh!

Vincent, remember that summer in The Hamptons we made love all weekend at your beach house?

I'll be back.

Here are some highlights to jog your memory--

Champagne, stable, a horse that wanted to look away but couldn't.

Stable? (Chuckles) I can't even get her on the daybed.

Okay, all adults, please stop sharing with me.

Hey, Vinny, buddy, uh, this doesn't end till you say who was sexier, so...

Yeah, got to go with Ellie.

No!

Yes!

Oh! I have to stretch.

I don't want to pull a muscle when I get my gloat on.

Come on!

I was gonna do air splits!

You know, living with you is going to be a cakewalk.

Ohh. (Chuckles)

You know, it's tricky to walk around holding a bunch of cakes.

I think that "cakewalk" should mean something really hard.

(Sighs) No. I hate it when you do that, okay?

You can't change the meaning of phrases.

Agree on the change?

Change approved.

No, you... (Laughs)

You...

(High-pitched voice, laughs)

(Normal voice) I'm gonna go walk around the house...

(Clenches teeth)

And calm down. (Chuckles)

Okay.

Have a good time, sweetie.

(Chuckles) He does that now.

Oh, can you believe my shrink?

(Door opens and closes)

(Chuckles) Grayson and I are not gonna have a hard time living together.

Eh.

Okay, that is my least favorite noise-for-word substitute because you only do it when you think I'm being dumb.

You are being dumb.

Halfway finished.

Feeling better.

Really sharing a house is like being trapped in a submarine forever.

At some point, someone's gonna freak, open the hatch, and k*ll everyone.

Oh, please.

You sound like Lynn.

She's going through something.

(Door opens)

Oh.

(Door closes)

Hey, yo, Earth Day.

Mm.

I found these plastic bottles in your trash.

(Gasps) Oh, yeah.

(Chuckles)

I meant to separate them and put them...

In whatever you put them in.

(Chuckling) Okay.

I'm not gonna be able to keep this up.

I'm not green.

I just said that 'cause I was embarrassed to say I forgot to flush.

PS-- I did it again five minutes ago.

(Chuckles) I mean, I've been living with you for one day, and now you're already lying to me?

Oh, it feels great, Jules, you know, to live in a house of lies.

Are you serious?

(Chuckles) Are you serious?

(Clatter)

Dude.

(Door opens and slams)

Okay. I-I know that you're giving me a smug look, so I'm not gonna look at you.

Come on. It's so good!

Nope.

Lies!

Lies!

Nope. Nope. No.

Okay, look, I want to know everything that's going on with you, but first, you can't drink wine on the couch.

I thought that was Bobby's rule.

It's a new rule for everyone, except for Ellie.

I mean, I've seen her drop her son, but I have never seen her drop wine.

Thank you.

Seriously?

What is this, "Turn Everything Into A Big Deal" day?

I can play, too. (Chuckles)

(Sniffs) Oh, this room smells like guacamole.

(Whiny voice) I want to sell the house!

(Stomps)

You know, it does smell like guacamole.

(Chuckles)

I threw a burrito at Bobby.

It's not important.

Look... (Sighs)

When you lied about being green, I know I overreacted, okay, but it's just that that is exactly what happened with my ex.

I mean, Vivian seemed great.

Then we got married, and then she suddenly lost interest in everything I really cared about, like my bar, having kids, shaving her pits.

Ooh. Vivian got crunchy.

Sure. Sure.

Mm.

I just don't want to go into marriage feeling like I've been tricked.

Now that I know how you feel, I can handle it.

There is no one better at fixing relationships than me.

Merp!

Eh.

Really? Both noises?

Hi, guys.

You know, there are so many things that I'm better at than you, like reading, speaking, not eating a doughnut like a bear eats a salmon.

(Clatters)

What else? I wrote it down.

Oh. "Sex"!

It's on both hands.

"Sex. Sex."

(Scoffs) Whatever, Ellie.

You know, I got a lot of weird looks when I waved good-bye to Stan at preschool, but I gotta say...

(Packaging rustles)

Worth it.

Careful. Waiter with soup.

Ooh. Look at you, protecting my white shirt like you're some sort of secret service agent.

You know, if you did this all day, I think I could win this.

Already called in sick.

(Suspenseful music playing)

Good God! Ice cream.

Whoa!

(Whispers) Whoa.

(Sighs) Whew.

It was rough listening to Ellie talk to Vincent.

I'm not jealous.

It's just...

Sexually, she used to be so spontaneous, and now it's always the same--

Every Sunday at 4:00, shades down, teeth brushed, her turn, my turn.

(Chuckles) My turn.

What? Hmm.

(Grunts)

What the hell?

I was out of air.

Well, I just want to let you know that I will always be spontaneous.

You're the best.

You know, Ellie used to be so exciting.

I never thought she'd lose that.

Oh.

(Strained voice) This day just gets weirder and weirder.

Those guys just said that their cheese sticks got delivered with three missing.

Weird.

Hmm.

♪

Look, I know that you were hurt in the past, so I have written down every single thing that I thought you might not know about me.

She even had us make a list, too.

You know, in case she missed anything.

So we're gonna lay it out here, and then tonight you and I will celebrate at the "I know the crap out of my fiancee" dinner.

I'm making all of your favorites, except for meat loaf.

Let's just get the ball rolling.

I actually hate meat loaf.

It tastes like cat food.

Mm. How would you know that unless you've eaten cat food?

It was a dare in high school.

(Coughs) Last week.

Shush it. We're easing in.

Is that a cheese stick?

Look, I'm an open book.

There's not that much to tell.

Everything I said I love about you, I love, but, okay, remember when I wore that baseball cap for a week?

Yeah.

I didn't have a bad haircut.

(Chuckles)

I've got a little bald spot right here, but I take pills, so as long as we have medical coverage, you know, it should be fine.

You're bald?

Oh, she has major hair issues.

Once a week, she has to shave her fingers from here to here.

Those damn pills--

They give me monkey knuckles.

I just got negative goose bumps.

Maybe that's enough for now.

I'll see you at dinner.

7:30 sharp, okay?

Please tell me you don't use my razor to shave your hands.

Let's save some stuff for tonight, okay?

Okay. Bring it in slow.

3 inches.

Nice. (Chuckles)

(Mouth full, chuckles)

Well, how come you never made dinners like this for me when we were married?

I did, but you never showed because you were too busy banging waitresses at the waffle house.

Now honestly, how many times did you get syrup poured in your lap?

Too many. It was like an oil spill down there.

You can never really clean it all up.

Watch the glass!

Watch the glass.

(Lowered voice) Watch the glass.

Okay. It is so lame that you have a personal shirt protector.

Not me. Check it.

Making red sauce with no apron.

Is she gonna go "cocktail" on this bottle of olive oil?

(Gasps) You know she is.

(Gasps) Ooh!

That's right, chumps.

(Dramatic orchestral music playing)

(Slow motion voice) No!

(Grunts)

(Grunts)

(Andy panting)

You took a meatball for me.

I'd take a whole pot roast for you, sir.

How long do you think Andy's felt sexually unfulfilled?

k*ll me. Does that answer make any sense?

Look, you take care of him in other ways.

Cooking?

(Chuckles) - No.

Ironing his shirts?

Is this the '50s?

Rubbing his feet?

Have you seen them?

Rubbing his back?

There's no rubbing.

Scratching his back?

My fingers get stuck.

Listening to him?

I'm not his friend, Travis.

I'm just his wife.

Still, I really appreciate you keeping it between us.

Hey, do you remember when I said that I would have my revenge?

(Laurie, singsongy)

Knock, knock.

Oh, no.

(Imitating announcer)

Ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at a weight that a woman her height would feel good about, the undisputed tramp-ion of the world-- Laurie Keller!

(Exhales deeply) This is really not the right bra for this.

(Exhales deeply)

(Door opens and closes)

Chew faster. My arm's tired.

Oh.

Look who's finally here.

Oh, sorry.

You know, I can't believe I started a fight this morning, but you coming in and laying all your stuff out on the table made me realize how much I love you, monkey hands and all.

In fact, I'm gonna kiss that thing right now.

I'm just--

Ugh. Aah. Stubble.

How about the lips?

(Chuckles)

Oh, good. Fight's over.

Get away.

Fight's back on.

Dinner was at 7:30.

It's after 8:00.

Is this how it's gonna be?

I just cross my fingers and hope you'll show?

I thought living with you, Grayson, would be a breeze, but I was wrong.

It's gonna be a cakewalk.

Uh, that doesn't mean that.

The change was approved, jerk.

I'm gonna go take a lap.

(Door opens)

What just happened?

(Door slams)

Life just happened, man.

All right, you need to warn me if you're gonna say beautiful things.

This isn't working for me!

I kinda like it.

I'm still mad at Grayson, but I'm not gonna lose my cool.

Screw him!

I'll kick his ass!

(Cries) I'm so mad, Laurie.

Why would he do this?

I love him.

(Laughing)

I know. Who cares, right?

Honey, are you PMSing?

A little, and those hair pills give me crazy mood swings.

Oh, no. (Sighs)

Hey, dude.

Why are you shirtless, and why are you in my house?

Which question should I answer first?

Why don't you knock 'em both out?

Well, my shirt's off so I won't stain it, and I'm in your house 'cause I currently live here.

Two strong answers.

That hurricane did an even worse number at my place.

Oh, by the Wynonna, is J-Bird still all mad?

(Sighs)

Yep, all because I was a few minutes late.

You know, that's not near as bad as her pulling a full-on Vivian and lying about who she really is.

Is it cool if I drink wine on the couch?

Well, there's a tree in my living room, so go nuts, and thanks, by the way.

Because of you, I can't have wine on Jules' couch either.

Mm. How fair is that?

Yeah, that isn't fair.

I'm gonna get a glass.

All right.

Careful in the kitchen.

There's a family of crows that are living in the oven, and it's not as funny as it sounds.

(Sighs) You guys still being b*tches to each other?

Oh, right.

I'm really great at sex.

I'm so much better than you, Ellie.

(Sighs)

Jelly, you're so slutty...

Slutty... whatever.

I'm getting a weird vibe here.

It's just all of this sex talk has really made us both...

What was that word you used?

Introspective.

Right. It has made us both really...

I had it, and then I lost it.

Look, when I'm with a guy, I like to put on, like, a real show, you know?

There's acrobatics and costume changes, tears, if I can get there, but I do want to get married.

I don't want to have to do the same crazy show for the rest of my life.

You know, as a woman, if you do anything different sexually with a guy, he'll expect it every time, and, yes, I want Andy to be happy, but I don't want to be totally naked.

I get too cold.

And I'm sorry if I don't move around a lot.

I have to concentrate, you know?

No.

Look, I know you're looking for some advice, but I'm actually not as experienced as you'd think.

No one thinks you're experienced.

Oh, good.

Okay, if I try to help, do you promise to never again include me in any discussions of a sexual nature?

Both: We promise.

Laurie, stop trying so hard, okay?

Just give a guy one moment that lets him know it's about him.

You don't need to put on a big show, unless... you end up with a great guy who has... heard about the show, and then maybe you wanna do just one last show so he can see what all the fuss is about, but if not--

Keep it moving.

Right. Uh, Mrs. Torres, you can still keep your cold-blooded, bat-like nature.

Same advice-- Just give Andy one nice moment that lets him know it's about him.

(Singsongy) Nailed it.

(Crunches)

And then President Lincoln says, "The only way to fight these aliens is to resurrect the dinosaurs."

Well, you're right. That would be the best movie ever.

Come with me.

What for?

(Gasps) No way.

Hey, come on!

It's not Sunday.

Don't go. This place is crawling with potential stains!

(Horror theme music playing)

(High-pitched voice) Ohh!

Can we talk? (Sighs)

(Panting)

All right.

I always give you crap about what a bad husband you were.

Yep. (Sighs)

Marriage for me was a total cakewalk.

Oh.

Thank you for using it right.

Still... (Sighs)

What was it about me that made you pull away?

Oh, hey. Come on.

I mean, it's gotta be something, right?

Grayson's already showing up late for dinner.

I mean, next thing you know, he's gonna be out banging some waitress.

(Laughs) Wow.

You got all the way there from him being 20 minutes late?

I do what I do. (Sighs)

When we got married, I wasn't scared at all, and now I'm terrified.

I mean, this one has to work.

(Voice breaking) I can't end up five years from now being single, trying to start my life over again.

I won't be able to do it.

What the hell is going on with you and Grayson?

I mean, he's acting like you're his ex-wife, and-- and you're not Vivian.

You got much better boobs.

And a better butt.

Mm... it's close.

She got into yoga.

Oh. Well, I hope you don't think it's weird, but for the rest of this conversation, I will be doing lunges.

(Chuckles)

J-bird, I promise, Grayson's gonna treat you right.

He's not me.

You don't know that.

(Motopony's "King Of Diamonds" playing)

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, I wasn't good to you when I had the chance, but that's my burden to bear, not yours, and please don't tell me that my mistakes turned you into a coward.

♪ You know I got the other 3 ♪

I try too hard sexually.

Girlfriend, I just ravaged Andy.

I think he really liked it.

(Raised voice)

That was so awesome!

Shh. Watch your TV, boo.

(Chuckles)

I even took off all my clothes.

I mean, just for a minute, and then I put my sweatshirt back on.

You promised you'd stop talking to me about this stuff.

Your mom's busy. Deal with it.

(Whispers) Ahh.

Hey. We're just gonna get some wine.

Crows took my corkscrew into the oven.

If you get too close, they go for the eyes.

Come sit with me.

No wine on the couch.

That's a dumb rule.

Yeah, that's a dumb rule for everyone.

Not for everyone.

Honey, I'm so sorry I freaked out.

This is your house, too.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, man. I am great at ending arguments. (Chuckles)

Merp!

(Chuckles) Ohh.

Come here.

(Thuds)

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah!

White shirt winner!

We were at each other's throats, but then Bobby pointed out that we were putting the baggage from our past relationships onto each other.

Sometimes Bobby's pretty brilliant.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

'Cause that's exactly, and I mean exactly, what I said would happen.

I don't think so. (Chuckles)

I-I so did say that, and you said, "that's dumb," and you said, uh, "survey says..."

(Blows raspberry)

I would never use a noise in place of a word.

You would know that if you ever listened.

(Thud, clatter)

Sorry. I just had to-- I had to break something.

So... what else should we talk about today?