04x03 - Between Two Worlds

[bunniefuu]

I can't make a word.

I hate this.

I like games you can yell stuff.

"Jenga!" "Yahtzee!"

"Go fish, bitch."

Would it help if we had sex?

And that's when Trav realized he was invisible. (Typing)

No, he's right. I can solve any problem during sex.

You know, you were conceived when I couldn't figure out the VCR remote.

Want to get some pizza?

Trav, you want to come?

Too much schoolwork.

Bring me some.

Whew.

Where's the pizza?

We didn't go yet. But I figured out a word, though.

Ohh, that's uncool.

Oh, you'll live.

Okay, I gotta get Grayson.

He fell asleep on the hood of the car. (Laughs)

♪

I have some bad news.

The tree on the side of the house is dying.

So sad.

Stop. This is important to me.

When we moved in, I put a swing in it.

And I used to hold Travis in my arms and rock him till he fell asleep.

Didn't you guys move in here when Travis was, like, 12?

What's your point?

I'm the sure the jury will understand when Travis is explaining why he broke into the morgue to spoon your corpse.

(Laughs) I get how you could be attached to a tree.

See the toaster I got you as a wedding gift?

When I was little, we didn't have a toaster.

We did have a flamethrower that my foster dad got in Vietnam.

I fired it up and accidentally burnt down the trailer, and I ended up in the street, blaming toast for all of my problems.

Years later, I see that toaster on your registry.

You get a kick-ass wedding gift, and I finally made peace with toast.

I knew you were here telling me the story, but I was still rooting for you to die in the trailer fire.

So mean.

Honey, you know the tree on the side of the house?

Well, I'm gonna have to spend some money to save it. (Coffee pouring)

Sounds good.

Also, unless you want me to throw out all of my sexy underwear that I never wear, I'm gonna need the bottom drawer of your dresser for the rest of our lives.

Not a problem.

Okay. Mm. (Kisses)

Thanks, babe.

Question.

Where did his balls go?

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

They're right here.

Oh!

Phew!

Boop.

Now that's just wrong.

Jer! Hey.

I haven't forgotten about that 6 bucks that I owe ya.

How about instead, I give you a coupon for one free piggyback ride to your car?

That's how they get around in China.

Forget it. I mean, loaning Bobby Cobb money is like putting your child up for adoption.

You know you're never gonna see it again, and that's okay.

(Laughs)

Yeah. See ya.

Jerry acts like everybody knows what kind of man Bobby Cobb is, like I'm a good-for-nothin', a freeloader.

Two large Americanos for Ron.

Free coffee time.

All right, every 20 minutes or so, they call someone who's in the crapper.

Get ready to haul ass.

Ron!

I'm Ron.

Ron Mexico.

Whoo!

Ron Mexico-- best name ever!

Look what I bought for the cul-de-sac.

It's a wine spike.

You just stick it in the ground, and it holds your bottle.

Now we never have to have those awkward moments where we're outside but we're not drinking wine.

You know, I could k*ll a man with these things.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

So can we talk about how your dime-eyed husband agrees with everything you say without a fight?

I know. It's awesome.

But you love to fight.

I don't love to fight.

You do.

No, I don't.

We're fighting now.

I'm not enjoying it.

Why are you smiling?

I'm proud of my teeth.

Enough! Look, Andy does everything I say, but emasculating men really turns me on.

But I know you.

You need to go toe-to-toe with your husband or you're gonna get bored.

You need some pushback.

I want a passionate marriage.

I want it to be spicy but still awesome, like Ike and Tina in that movie.

You never finished that DVD, did ya?

No, I only saw the first 20 minutes, but they seem like a great couple.

Oh, yeah.

Look at you, drinking like a man.

That means we can talk like men.

Don't make it weird, Tom.

Ah.

Countdown to weird in three, two...

So what's your favorite kind of tushy?

(Sighs)

Mine's a big ol' fat one.

Guys...

I'm worried about Wade.

This morning when we Skyped, he said he was going on a scouting mission.

He tried to play it cool, but I could tell he was really scared.

You know, that's my superpower--

I pick up on people's vibes.

And it's, like, a hundo-times stronger on people that I've strudeled.

You think you have a superpower?

Now I'm getting a skeptical vibe.

Very good.

Yeah.

Everyone in our g*ng has a special power.

We're like The Avengers.

Nice nerd reference.

Together we could take down the Chitauri Army.

Took it too far?

Anyway, no one has superpowers.

Sure we do.

I read vibes.

Your mom can solve any problem with sex.

Your dad can give anyone the perfect nickname.

What did you call me this morning?

Laurie Povich.

Laurie Povich!

Ellie can start a fight between any two people.

Oh, I bet he doesn't want kids.

Sure he does. Don't you?

What?

So fun!

(Laurie) Andy can find anything.

Hey, buddy.

Found your Lego piece.

Thanks.

Stan's crazy strong. He may even be able to fly.

The other day, they found him on top of the neighbor's roof.

And Grayson can impersonate anyone.

Yeah, I think you're being a little ridiculous.

(Imitates Travis) Yeah,

I think you're being a little ridiculous.

Ha ha!

Nailed it, G-man.

(Imitates Bobby) Ha ha!

Nailed it, G-man.

(Laughs)

Well, you can't do everyone.

(Imitates tom)

Oh, you can't do everyone.

(Laughs)

How great are wine spikes?

I know. I put them all over.

They're like fire hydrants, but useful.

Mm-hmm.

I got a plan.

Okay.

(Glass clatters)

Grayson will engage if it's something he cares about, like if I want to waste a lot of money.

I get my pushback, then we go back to being Ike and Tina.

You really need to finish that movie.

(Motor starts)

I should warn Andy about the wine spikes before he mows.

Yes.

Hey, honey.

Hey, babe.

Okay, so I had the guy from the tree place come out, and this is what it's gonna cost to save it.

(Pours wine) Wow.

(Lawn mower motor whirring)

Whatever you think's best.

(Whirring continues)

How'd it go?

I'm stuck in a passionless marriage.

(Metal clanks)

Andy: Aah! Ow!

Come on!

(Dog barking in distance)

I decided not to warn him.

This sucks!

I need Grayson to care about what's going on in our lives.

All I ever wanted was to grow old with someone and argue with them while we drink wine.

Sounds like us.

What do you say we pack it all in and become big ol' dykes?

No, not yet. But I like to know that choice is out there.

Stay skinny just in case.

Deal.

I need you to use your power to get Grayson involved.

Start a fight between us.

My power is strong.

It's like a wildfire.

I can't control it.

I need this, Ellie.

Hey, ladies. (Chuckles)

It's your lucky day.

I've been doing a lot of back work lately, so I'd like you to meet The Truth's new sidekick...

Justice!

The Truth... and Justice!

(Chuckles) What a team.

So, dime-eyes, don't you think it's weird... (Refrigerator opens) that Jules didn't take your last name when you guys got married?

I mean, Cobb's not even her maiden name. It's Bobby's.

That sounds like a fun conversation. Bye.

Mm.

Some fight.

(Door opens) Just you wait.

(Door closes) He's gonna think about it, drop everything, and kaboom.

By the way, your ass is looking tight.

Calm down.

We're not there yet.

All right.

Name?

I said "name."

Ron Mexico.

(Laughs)

I want to hang out with a guy named Ron Mexico.

Hey, you want to come watch me bust up a meth lab?

Hell, yeah, Ron does!

Well, let's do it.

(Laughs)

And then he took me on a ride-along.

(Chuckles) I was like a kid in a candy store.

Where'd you go?

A candy store.

They're often covers for meth labs.

"Ron Mexico" is the manliest name ever, like Joe Montana or "Wrath of Khan."

I was "Ron Mexico" all morning, and it was amazing.

Girls were giving me their numbers, I got a bunch of new people wanting golf lessons.

Hell, I even made some new friends at AA.

Wait. You went to AA?

Ron did.

He went in for free coffee, and next thing you know, he's telling his life story.

Hey, did you know that our g*ng shares a lot of the characteristics with the people of that organization?

Nah.

Choose between booze and your marriage right now.

That's too easy.

(Shatters)

I don't want you to use the name "Cobb" anymore.

Ka-boom.

Ugh.

Wade hasn't texted me back.

It's driving me nuts, not knowing if he's okay.

This is worse than that one time I had to wait an extra week to get my STD results because they had to have specialists weigh in.

Come on, Wade.

Where are you?

Okay, you know what? Prove your superpower thing to me.

You see those guys over there?

What kind of vibe you getting off them?

Okay.

The guy on the left actually wants to bang the guy on the right.

Wow.

That's how Andy looks at my dad.

(Laughs) No.

God, I wish I knew what my superpower was.

We could totally find it.

Trust me, Trav.

It's in here.

(Whispers)

You just have to believe.

(Whispers) Believe in what?

(Normal voice)

I don't know, dude.

It just seemed like a cool thing to say.

You know, Jules, traditionally, a woman would take her current husband's last name.

Well, that's a stupid tradition.

It's like not wearing white after labor day or chasing pigs into town to see if it's gonna be a long summer.

(High-pitched voice)

cr*cker alert.

There's nothing wrong with the name "Jules Ellis."

If a piano was falling and people yelled, "Move, Mrs. Ellis!"

I wouldn't turn because I'm not used to that name.

Your name could k*ll me.

(Normal voice) Strong argument!

If she was a roadrunner.

You know, this wouldn't be a big deal, Jules, if you were just keeping your maiden name.

Yeah, that would be ridiculous.

Then her name would be Jules--

You know the rule.

You say it out loud, we're no longer friends.

May I please say something that it rhymes with?

No.

(Whispers) Flenis.

Look, my business is Jules Cobb Real Estate.

I can't just change it on a whim.

A whim is trying a new flavor of ice cream or that thing you did with your thumb last night, which by the way, I didn't like.

You know what? You just lost your new dresser drawer.

Don't you walk away from me.

(Door opens and closes)

This is awesome.

Okay, honey, let's figure out what your superpower is.

Can you touch your toes to your forehead?

I cannot.

Oh, that's a "no" on limber man.

(Singsongy)

Bummer for the ladies.

(Normal voice) Can you perfectly fold a shirt?

Nope.

Can you spot a vegan at the mall?

(Chuckles) - No.

If you were lost in the woods, could you turn your pee into drinking water?

No.

Will you loan me $100?

Wait. What?

I was trying to see if your superpower was unconditional generosity.

It is not.

Look, you have a baby face.

Does that do anything?

(Sighs)

It keeps the girls away.

We will find your superpower.

And BT dubbs, having a baby face is awesome.

Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

Pretty sure it's gift horse.

No, in my neighborhood, there was this prost*tute, and she would hand out gifts during the holidays.

She did not keep up with her dental care, so...

Ooh.

What's wrong?

Do you ever get the feeling that something really stupid's gonna happen?

(Whistles)

I have an announcement.

I will no longer answer to the name "Bobby Cobb."

And there it is.

From this moment forward, I will be known as "Ron Mexico."

Aw, man. I wanna party with Ron Mexico.

I do, too. Let's do this.

You can't just change your name.

Sure I can.

Everyone's cool calling me "Ron Mexico" from now on, right?

I love it.

Change approved!

Oh, if you're not gonna use "Bobby Cobb," can I have your name?

Yes. No, wait.

Ron Mexico's more of a "yeah" man, so yeah.

(Laughs)

Bobby says he's not gonna be "Bobby Cobb" anymore.

Who is he?

Ron Mexico.

Holy crap.

That's a good name.

Cobb's mine now, baggage-free. (Laughs)

Problem solved.

Once again, you selfishly get whatever the hell you want.

Ellie, this isn't fun anymore.

(Door opens) Turn it off.

Can't do it.

Grayson.

No, no, look, you don't like changing your name?

I don't like wearing my wedding ring. Yeah.

There. Now no one knows we're married.

Fine!

Did you actually throw your ring?

You did.

No, I didn't.

Well, who pretend throws things to show their anger?

Lots of people.

I'll be at my old house.

(Bottle clanks)

Tom: Oh! Son of a-- my foot!

Who put this here?! Why would someone put this here?!

Not the time, Tom.

(Thud)

I'd help Mrs. Ellis find her ring. She's nice.

But Mrs. Cobb is a giant chore.

Yeah, well, sometimes Mr. Ellis cries when he makes love.

Yeah, me, too.

Ditto. You gotta be there emotionally.

Here you go, Jules.

You have an amazing gift.

Thank you.

Mm.

Look... all I wanted was for you to get into the game.

I want to know your opinion on things.

No, you don't.

You just want me to argue with you but still get your own way.

(Scoffs)

Look... (Sighs) my ex, Vivian, and I-- we used to fight about everything.

Neither one of us would ever back down.

Look where that got us.

I... I don't want that to happen to you and me.

Keep whatever name you want.

Bobby... we need to talk.

Bobby.

Ron.

Yep.

"Ron Mexico" is a majestic name, but what's wrong with "Bobby Cobb"?

Woman: Ron!

Oh, crap!

That's my sponsor from AA.

Ron, I'm just checking in on you.

Are you living on this boat, Ron?

Because that is... that is heartbreaking.

Chick is a buzz k*ll.

(Chuckles)

Hey, shut it, you greasy booze bag.

Let me give you some money for a hotel.

I'm good.

(Bottle cap fizzes) Though I did spend the last of my dough on this six-pack.

(Grunts)

You're drinking?

Well, it is 4:00.

Okay, who wants to help figure out Trav's superpower?

Is it that you can't not hug him?

Well...

Oh, I hope not.

(Laughs)

What's all this?

Well, I'm trying to make a new last name out of "Ellis" and "Cobb."

"Clobeblis"?

Sounds like high-cholesterol medicine.

"High blood pressure?

Try Clobeblis."

(Laughs) (Cell phone rings)

Oh, it's Wade. Baby?

I don't know what to do because I love my last name, but I want to make Grayson happy.

Just have sex with him.

He said out loud to his mother.

I mean, it's how you can solve any problem, right?

You're a genius. (Gasps)

Oh.

There's your superpower, kiddo.

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's a kid who gets his mom laid.

Come on!

Don't dump mine out.

I'm not the one with the fake problem.

Do you know what kind of person Ron Mexico is?

Not really, no.

You should've listened to him speak.

You know, before the devil juice stole his soul, he jogged across America?

He got sh*t in the buttocks in 'Nam.

He worked on a shrimp boat.

So... he's Forrest Gump.

Well, there are some similarities.

Ah, listen, dude, if I was Bobby Cobb at that meeting, you know what I woulda said?

I peaked in college, I drive a golf cart instead of a car, and I live on some old crusty boat that's so full of spiders, it's like a spider nursery.

Oh, also my wife divorced me and ended up marrying one of my best friends.

You know, and sometimes late at night, after k*lling the last of the day's spiders, I lie in bed wondering if I'll ever be more than what I already am.

(Sighs)

So you're not Ron Mexico?

Hello.

I'm Bobby Cobb, and unfortunately, I'm not an alcoholic.

(Bottle caps fizz)

(Sighs)

Wade's okay.

Well, that's good news.

You know, I was so busy trying to figure out your superpower that I didn't have time to worry about him.

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

That's crazy.

That's it.

That's your superpower.

You're selfless man.

Whether it's sending your mom off to strudel or distracting me... you always put everyone else's happiness ahead of your own.

Selfless man.

It's not gonna sell a lot of comics.

I think it's really sweet.

(Bottle clatters)

I'm getting a weird vibe.

What are you writing with your tiles?

Don't worry about it.

Look, stop using your powers on me, witch.

I want to see.

(Laughs) Get outta here!

Look, I know you challenged your ex-wife, and you guys fell apart.

But we're different.

How?

We're better.

Everybody out!

The bar is closed.

No, no, you can't just close my bar.

We're gonna have sex.

No thumbs.

(Rings)

Everyone out! Closing early!

I got a full beer.

This sucks.

Did you just pretend throw your wallet?

Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch.

That's a real thing.

♪ The wind will come ♪
♪ the wind will come ♪

Ah!

Think we k*lled all the spiders.

♪

You know, it was nice being Ron Mexico.

But it's like what Jerry said at coffee bucks... everybody knows what they're gonna get with Bobby Cobb.

Just can't change that.

People always make the mistake of thinking who they are now is who they'll be forever.

Look at JK Rowling.

She was poor, struggling, then she came up with "Harry Potter," and she's a billionaire.

Please don't make me write books about child wizards.

I'm not gonna be very good at it.

My point is, you're Bobby Cobb.

That day could be tomorrow.

Just one-- one big idea, one victory in your life, and boom-- everything is different.

You really think that's gonna happen to me?

I know it will, and when it does, everyone's gonna say...

"God help me, I wanna party with Bobby Cobb."

Thanks, Andango.

Best nickname ever.

(Clink)

♪ And thou art the dream ♪

So we're agreed, I keep "Jules Cobb," but I legally change to "Jules Ellis" on my driver's license.

And you promise to always push back just a little bit?

Deal.

♪ And thou art the bean ♪

Mm.

Hey, once you officially change your name, would you ever let anyone see your license?

No.

Well, would you ever let anyone call you "Jules Ellis"?

No, no. (Chuckles)

But you could.

Okay. (Chuckles)

Mmm.

♪ Ron Mexico ♪
♪ Ron Mexico ♪
♪ He's loved and he's lost, but he's never longed ♪
♪ He travels the world righting wrongs ♪
♪ He's American-born, 100% male ♪
♪ He's got the heart of a lion and the dong of a whale ♪
♪ He's tan and strong with honey-hued hair ♪
♪ When he wants a fish, he takes it from a bear ♪
♪ He doesn't need a helmet to breathe in space ♪
♪ He traveled back in time to punch h*tler in the face ♪
♪ He knows karate and even kung fu ♪
♪ but he's charming enough to co-host "The View" ♪
♪ He's Ron Mexico ♪
♪ Ron Mexico ♪

All: ♪ Ron Mexico ♪
♪ Ron Mexico ♪
♪ Ron Mexico ♪
♪ Ron Mexico ♪