01x03 - Show Biz Witch

[bunniefuu]

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause
he can't do enough ♪

♪ Once upon a summertime ♪

♪ Just a dream from yesterday ♪

♪ A boy and his
magic golden flute ♪

♪ Heard a boat
from off the bay ♪

♪ "Come and play
with me, Jimmy, ♪

♪ Come and play with me ♪

♪ And I will take you on a
trip far across the sea" ♪

♪ But the boat belonged
to a kooky old witch ♪

♪ Who had in mind
the flute to snitch ♪

♪ From her Vroom
Broom in the sky ♪

♪ She watched her
plans materialize ♪

♪ She waved her wand ♪

♪ The beautiful boat was gone ♪

♪ The skies grew dark,
the sea grew rough ♪

♪ And the boat sailed
on, and on, and on, ♪

♪ And on, and on, and on ♪

♪ But Pufnstuf
was watching too ♪

♪ And knew exactly what to do. ♪

♪ He saw the witch's
bold att*ck ♪

♪ And as the boy
was fighting back ♪

♪ He called his
rescue racer crew ♪

♪ As often they'd rehearsed ♪

♪ And off to save
the boy they flew ♪

♪ But who would
get there first ♪

♪ But now the boy
had washed ashore ♪

♪ Puf arrived to save the day ♪

♪ Which made the witch
so mad and sore ♪

♪ She shook her fist
and screamed away ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause
he can't do enough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend
when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause
he can't do enough ♪

[menacing music]

- Witchiepoo,
Witchiepoo, come quickly!

It's the golden flute!

- Where is it?

Where, where?

Outta my way!

You feathered freak!

That schnoz of yours
is a deadly w*apon!

[wand clanging]
[Orson grunting]

[Witchiepoo cackling]

There they are!

Pufnstuf, Jimmy,
all three of them!

They're on their way
to Ludicrous Lion!

- [Orson] That's what
I tried to tell you!

- And I'll bet they're
going to ask Ludicrous

for a way to escape
from me! [cackles]

- Ooh, no one can escape
from you, my witchiness!

- Least of all, that beautiful,
gorgeous, golden flute!

They may have him now,
but he shall soon be mine!

All mine! [cackles]

[wand clanging]
[Orson grunting]

- Hitting!

Hitting, always hitting!

[audience laughing]

- Castle, Castle,
with face so cute!

Will I catch that golden flute?

- No chance, you old coot!

- Oh, what do you know?

You got cracks in your plaster!

[Stupid Bat laughing]

- That's funny!

Castle, cracks in his plaster!

[wand clanging]
- Stupid Bat!

- Gosh, bet now I got
cracks in my plaster, too!

[audience laughing]

- Step right up, folks!

Here it is!

The miracle fluid of the ages!

Great for curing itchy
feet, stuffy noses,

wiggly ears, and hairy goonies!

Galloping sage brush,
the mayor himself!

How many bottles of Lion Lotion
would you like, your honor?


- No thank you, Ludicrous.

Actually, we came here to see
if you could help my friends,

Jimmy and Freddy,
here, to get back home.

The witch is after them!

- Greetings and felicitations!

So the old crone
is after you, eh?

Well, your troubles are over!

- You mean you can
help us escape?

- Really and truly?

- You're as good as home
right now, my anxious amigos!

Your troubles are over.

Here you are, my friends!

Lady Luck has smiled on you.

This is the only one left
on the entire island!

- What is it?

- A do-it-yourself,
intercontinental,

supersonic pogo stick kit!

- Oh brother, here we go again.

- With all the extras,
including jet wing attachments,

a*t*matic jumping pedals,

and for additional
comfort, in-flight movies!

- Wowee!

- How do you put it together?

- I don't put it
together, you do!

That's why it's so very cheap.

Costs only 200 buttons.

- 200 buttons?

- That's what we use for money
here on Living Island, Jimmy.

Sorry, Ludicrous,
the treasury's empty.

Our buttons have hit bottom!

[Ludicrous laughing]

- "Our buttons have hit bottom."

That's cute.

Also, too bad, folks!

My motto is, "Fly now, pay now!"

Come back when you've
got the buttons

and the pogo stick is yours.

- Will you be sure
and hold it for us?

- [Freddy] We've just got
to get away from here!

- It's usually first
come, first served,

but since you're with our fine
mayor, I'll keep it for you.

- Thanks, Ludicrous!

Come on, boys, we've got
some button-raising to do!

Don't forget, 200 of 'em!

And away you go!

- Ludicrous!

That box you showed
them was empty!

You don't have any
supersonic pogo stick!

[Ludicrous laughing]

- How about that?

- What are you going to
do when they come back?

- If they bring 200
buttons with 'em,

I'll think of something.

[both laughing]

- Button, button,
who's got the buttons?

- [Freddy] How are we ever
going to get 200 of them?

- [claps hands] I've got it!

I've got it!

Why don't we put on a show and
charge admission in buttons?

- A show?
- Yeah!

And as mayor, you
could be the MC

and introduce all the acts!

And I could do a song and dance!

- Me, too!

- You bet, Freddy, we're a team!

- Snazzle, dazzle,
and Jiminy Razzle!

If this isn't just about the
best idea I've ever heard!

We'll have a show!

A really, really big show!

- I could sing in the show!

[Madame Willow
singing operatically]

- [Yellow Tree]
Enough of the singing!

Wait 'til they see my dance!

[yellow tree scatting]

- That chicka-boom
stuff is nowhere, man!

This is the b*at!

[Hippie Tree and
yellow tree scatting]

- Hold it, hold
it, wait a minute!

Now, we're trying to
raise 200 buttons.

And if everybody wants
to be in the show,

who's gonna pay to get in?

[comical music]
[audience laughing]

[Witchiepoo cackling]

- Oh, joy, oh, joy!

I've got my boy, they're
putting on a show!

- Ooh!

It's about time we got
something good on that machine.

Can we watch?

- Watch?

You're going to be in it!

- We are?

- Forgive me, my queen,
but I don't follow you.

- You will, you will.

You'll follow me right
out onto that stage!

- [Orson] On stage?

In front of people?

- That's right!

Both of you!

- [Seymour] Me, too?

- Of course, you wacky weirdo!

Freddy-poo's going to
be in the show, too.

And when we get out on
stage, grab 'em, he's mine!

[Witchiepoo cackling]

Ooh, Seymour, my hair!

I'm going to be in the show,
I'm going to be in the show!

[Witchiepoo singing gibberish]

- Hurry up, Seymour, hurry!

- I'm hurrying!

Wait a minute!

Your highness is too high!

- Well, lower the
chair and hurry!

I wanna be gorgeous.
[audience laughing]

Hurry, you dimwits!

Flick the switch!
- It's flicked!

- Wait a minute!

Stop!

Careful, you dimwits!

Stop the chair!

Stop it, I say!

Orson, help him!

Flick the switch!

- Which switch, witch?

- The switch that says "witch!"

- The witch switch
that says "ditch?"

Or the switch in the niche
that says "witch chair switch?"

- Seymour, what are you doing?

Drop that comb
and get over here!

[Witchiepoo screaming]
[chair beeping]

Stop this chair!

Stop it!

[switches beeping]

- Stop this chair!

Stop!
[brakes squealing]

[audience laughing]

Ooh, I'm gonna k*ll them!

I'll k*ll them when
I get my hands on-

Look at my hair!

It's beautiful!

It's gorgeous!

I'm gorgeous!

I love me!

[lips smacking]
[glass shattering]

[audience laughing]

Sure don't build mirrors
like they used to.

[audience laughing]

♪ If you got heart,
you got soul ♪

♪ And you really
dig rock and roll ♪

♪ Come on, pets, come on,
let's hear it for The Boyds ♪

♪ Hear it for The Boyds,
hear it for The Boyds ♪

♪ Hear it for the Boyds ♪

♪ Scrappy, yeah ♪

♪ For the Boyds ♪

[crowd clapping and cheering]

- Those Boyds sure dish
out a mess of music.

And now, the act you've
all been waiting for,

for our visiting guest
stars, Jimmy and Freddy!

[crowd clapping]

♪ The subject for
today is pronouns ♪

♪ So what do you say we have
a couple of go 'rounds ♪

♪ I is a lonely word,
you is a happy word ♪

♪ We is a friendly
word I much prefer ♪

♪ He is a simple word,
she is a tender word ♪

♪ They is a meeting
of a him and her ♪

♪ It is a word that
can mean anything ♪

♪ It can be either
large or small ♪

♪ Mine is a selfish word,
yours is a thoughtful word ♪

♪ But ours is the
nicest word of all ♪

[Freddy playing chipper tune]

- Hey, green bud,
when do we go on?

- [shushes] Jimmy is singing.

- [cackles] They
call that singing?

Man, when you hear us wail!

[audience laughing]

- Solid crazy!

- We'll be sending!

- Who are you?

- We're the Three Oranges!

You mean to tell me you've
never heard any of our records?

Boy, are you a dumb dinosaur!

And square as a pear! [cackles]

- All right, all right,
I'll put you on next.

- Now you're groovin', Clyde!

[hand slapping]
[Pufnstuf yelping]

♪ It is a word that
can mean anything ♪

♪ It can be either
large or small ♪

♪ Mine is a selfish word,
yours is a thoughtful word ♪

♪ But ours is the
nicest word of ♪

♪ All ♪

[crowd clapping]

- Nice going, Jimmy and Freddy.

You sure gave them
their buttons worth!

- Wasn't it great?

- Man, you got a real cool act!

I dig you!

Gimme some skin!

- Quiet!
- There's a show on!

- Howdy, folks!

Now I'd like to
introduce our next act,

that fantastic, world-famous
singing group, uh...

[audience laughing]

The Three Oranges!

- Come on, Freddy, baby,
lemme congratulate you!

- The Oranges are coming on!

- Who cares?

- Ooh, that's us!
- Oh!

- Here they are,
The Three Oranges!

- Stick around, buster,
and watch a real act!

[energetic music]

♪ Oranges-Smoranges, who said ♪

♪ Oranges-Smoranges ♪

♪ Who said there ain't
no rhyme for oranges ♪

♪ Oranges-Poranges,
there's another one ♪

♪ Another rhyme for oranges ♪

♪ People keep on saying that ♪

♪ The one word that's a gem ♪

♪ It's oranges 'cause
it's got no rhyme ♪

♪ But we got news for them ♪

♪ Ain't they never heard of
Oranges-Smoranges, who said ♪

♪ Oranges-Smoranges, who said ♪

♪ Oranges-Smoranges ♪

♪ Who said there ain't
no rhyme for oranges ♪

Get the oranges!

[energetic music]

♪ Ain't they never
heard of oranges ♪

♪ Poranges ♪

♪ Smoranges ♪

♪ Coranges ♪

No!
[bodies thudding]

A kumquat?
[audience laughing]

- It's the witch and her g*ng!

[crowd murmuring in alarm]

- [Crowd Member] It's
the witch, the witch!

- Orson, Seymour, follow me!

Come on!

- [Freddy] Help!
- Good heavens!

- Stop her!

Stop the witch!

She's got Freddy!

- [Freddy] Help, save me, Jimmy!

- As mayor and chief of
police, I order you to stop!

- Come on, Puf!

- To the Vroom Broom!

Let's go!

Contact!

- [Pufnstuf] Stop that witch!

Stop!

- Stop!

Put him down!

[broom roaring]

- This is against the law!

- Stop, I order you to stop!

- [Freddy] Help, save me!

- Go, Witchiepoo, go!

- Yeah, go!

- We're too late.

[broom humming]

- Help, save me!

- No one can take you now!

You're mine!

You little ticket!

[audience laughing]

[broom humming]

[alarm bells ringing]

- Nice going, Cling and Clang!

Come on, Pufnstuf, we're gonna
get to the witch's castle!

- What'll we do
when we get there?

- I don't know, but
we've gotta get Freddy!

[alarm bells ringing]

- Hurry, boys, hurry!

[menacing music]

- Well, this is it, Freddy dear!

How do you like your new home?

Isn't it a mad pad? [cackles]

- It's not my home!

- Please let me go!

- Never, my gold beauty!

You're mine!

Oh, when those
other hags see you,

they'll eat their hearts out!

- Other hags?

- The Annual Witches Convention.

You and I are going to
do little act together!

Witchiepoo and Freddy!

Oh, we'll knock 'em for a loop!

- Wait a minute, what about
us, The Three Oranges?

- Yeah!

- Go to your cage,
you freaky fruitcakes!

You ruined our number

and embarrassed me in
front of the whole island!

- But you got
Freddy, didn't you?

- You can't dump
us just like that!

- That's showbiz.

Now go to your cage,

or I'll turn you both into
centipedes with bad feet!

One, two, three, you're
under lock and key!

[lock popping]
[audience laughing]

- This is showbiz?

- And now, my little gold
darling, play for me.

A-one, a-two...

- No!

I'll never play for you!

- What's the matter, do I
have bad breath or something?

- You're all bad!

I'll never play for you, never!

- Well, we'll see about that.

[expl*si*n booming]

[cauldron bubbling]
[Witchiepoo cackling]

You play for me, or else!

- Or else what?

- How would you like to
be a French fried flute?

[Witchiepoo cackling]

[alarm bells ringing]

- Here we are.

[shushes] Quiet, boys!

Come on, Jimmy.

[shushes] Let's go, tippy-toes!

[audience laughing]

[shushes] There are the guards.

[sneaky music]

Quick, come on back here.

Guards, guards!

- [Jimmy] Yoo-hoo, guards!

[audience laughing]

[sneaky music]

[energetic music]
[all clamoring]

- [Pufnstuf] Grab 'em!
- [Jimmy] I got 'em!

[helmet clanging]

[all clamoring]

[bones rattling]

[audience laughing]

- Look at 'em run!

Nice work, Jimmy.

- Let's get into these things.

- Gee, I hope they fit.

[tense music]

- How about it, my
stubborn little songbird?

Will you play for me now,

or shall I melt you
down into gold buttons?

[Freddy screaming]

[Witchiepoo cackling]

- Let's go, Jimmy!

We better hurry!

Come on, tippy-toes!

- All right, you little brat!

This is your last chance!

In you go!

- Oh, oh, no, please stop!

I'll play for you!

- Well now, that's
better, dearie.

I knew we could get along!

Okay, partner, get out!

Here we go!

Witchiepoo and Freddy!
[Freddy playing sad tune]

What's with the dirge?

Come on, up the b*at!

[audience laughing]

- I'm trying, but I
don't feel very good!

- [Witchiepoo] Step it up!

Let's start grooving!

Do that like you did with Jimmy!

They'll throw rocks at us
with a number like that!

- [Freddy] I'm trying!

- We've gotta get
her away from Freddy

so we can grab him.

- I've got an idea.

[door creaking]
[Freddy playing sad tune]

- No, no, that will never do!

What are you two doing here?

You're supposed to be
guarding the castle!

- We heard music.

We came to see what was wrong.

- That's not music, and
there's plenty wrong!

This overgrown stick
won't play for me!

Play, drat you!

Play!

Of all the stubborn,
stupid flutes!

- Jimmy?

- Come on, up the b*at!

Jazz it up!

Or it's into the pot for you!

[Freddy playing jazzy tune]

Well, that's more like it!

Go, go!

[Freddy playing jazzy tune]
[Witchiepoo scatting]

[audience laughing]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[audience laughing]

Oh, yeah!

[Witchiepoo scatting]
[Freddy playing jazzy tune]

Well, just don't stand there!

Grab a partner, me!

[Witchiepoo cackling]

[Witchiepoo scatting]
[Freddy playing jazzy tune]

[Witchiepoo screaming]
[Jimmy laughing]

- [Jimmy] Pufnstuf!

Grab Freddy!

[audience laughing]

- Those aren't my guards!

They're swiping Freddy!

Orson, Seymour, after them!

Orson, Seymour!

Don't let them get away!

Grab them, do
something, do something!

[audience laughing]

- We can't get it open!

Use your wand, Witchiepoo!

Quick, it's your only chance!

- Ice, snow, sneeze and wheeze!

I order you to stand and freeze!

[slide whistle descending]
[audience laughing]

Drat!

It doesn't work when it's soggy!

[Jimmy and Pufnstuf laughing]

- Bye, soggy witch! [laughs]

- Oh, when this thing dries,
will I give it to them!

Up, wand, up!

[audience laughing]

♪ I is a lonely word,
you is a happy word ♪

♪ We is a friendly
word I much prefer ♪

♪ He is a simple word,
she is a tender word ♪

♪ They is a meeting
of a him and her ♪

♪ It is a word that
can mean anything ♪

♪ It can be either
large or small ♪

♪ Mine is a selfish word,
yours is a thoughtful word ♪

♪ But ours is the
nicest word of all ♪

[upbeat music]

- [Lady Boyd] Woo!

♪ I've got, you got,
everybody here got ♪

♪ Someone who cares by the
name of H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Where do you go when
things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Well, he can't do a little
'cause he can't do enough ♪

- See you next week!

- I sure hope so!

[crowd clapping]

[jazzy jingle]