01x02 - A Bitch Named Karma

[bunniefuu]

[Sirens blaring]

Lightning strike. 24. Two cars on site.

My mother, she was hit.

She was holding Mr. Johnson's hand and leading him in a salvation prayer for his soul when we heard this loud boom.

Voodoo and Stats, we got the mom.

Deuce and Mousse, take Mr. Johnson.

There are 25 million lightning strikes a year in the United States, 400 of which include human contact, only 10% of which incur fatality.

Is this true?

Ma'am, if it comes out of her mouth, you can take it to the bank. Okay.

Get them on the stretchers and in the rigs, fast.

Hey, dress that burn, Brian.

Stats, A.E.D.

The sympathetic nervous system may respond with massive vasoconstriction producing hypertension.

How you doing over there, Mousse?

Almost ready, Cash. Ow!

Hello! Sir, can you hear me?

This one's coming around. Let's get him in the rig.

Lack of an entry wound indicates side splash.

Good eyes, Stats.

Bounced right off the steeple and into them.

I'm gonna take a quick look. Flatline.

[Monitor flatlining]

She's gone.

[Gasps]

Okay, folks. Clear a path, please.

Sir, we're here to help you.

My gut says temporary hearing loss.

[Camera snaps]

Should I be taking pictures?

No, you know how most people say they ain't in this job for the blood and the guts?

Voodoo's in this job for the blood and the guts.

She takes pictures of weird sh*t.

You should see her severed limb series.

But don't do it after lunch.

My gold chain is missing. I had a gold chain.

Oh, man, I can't hear. I'm deaf.

I should have never let that bitch grab my hand.

It's a common side effect from lightning strikes, sir.

What?

It'll pass, it's temporary.

Look on the bright side. At least you're alive.

I'm suing her, and I'm suing this g*dd*mn church!

And I'm suing your monkey ass. I'm suing him and him.

Please calm down, sir. Please calm down.

You don't know who I am, do you?

I know who you are, baby. You a fat, ungrateful rim job.

What? I can't hear you.

Uh-huh.

Why was Cash calling you guys Mousse and Deuce?

Oh, he's Mousse because Cash thinks he uses too much Mousse in his hair.

It's a paste. It's a conditioning paste.

And I'm Deuce because I'm the second black guy to work in his unit.

This damn gurney! This sh*t's too small, man.

Suck on Satan's nut sack, sir.

What?

I can't hear you.

He said, felch a wet fart from a red monkey's ass.

[Sirens blaring]

You comfortable, king bitchtits?

Huh?

Your breath smells like ball sweat.

So Val's "Voodoo" because of the blood and guts.

Her name is Valentina Dunacci, so there's a little wordplay to it.

And Stats has what, asperger's?

Oh, yeah.

O.C.D., G.D.D., G.A.D.S. All the "D" s.

She's a genius, but just don't hand her an odd number of grapes.

That was a bad day.

I thought there were 12.

Should have never let that bitch touch my hand.

Would you like a hot cup of cum bubbles, Mr. Dildo?

Little cum bubble?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

[Sirens blaring]

Boy, I'd love to have a nickname.

Cash is in charge of all nicknames.

He's Cash, as in cash money?

Cash as in Cassius Clay O'Neal.

Yeah, when Cassius Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali, Cash became Cassius Clay.

Why?

I asked him why once. You know what he said?

"Blow me, that's why."

This thing drives like a dump truck.

I'm suing your company too. Don't think you're safe.

Your monkey ass ain't safe.

Say something mean to him, Bri.

I don't know.

Come on, man.

He's a loud, malodorous, twat waffle.

[Chuckles]

Attached to the anus of the earth.

Come on, he deaf as a doorjamb.

I can't. I can't. I can't.

Okay. Uh, hey.

[Clears throat]

I don't like your shoes.

Hey, these are Italian leather.

What your monkey ass know about shoes?

Oh, not the man's shoes.

I take it back. No, I like your shoes.

Brad Pitt wore these mothers in ocean's eleven.

[Funky music]

♪♪ ♪♪

[Static, sweeping frequencies]

[Indistinct P.A. announcement]

I just... I don't see why a sweet, charitable, unselfish soul like that lady has to die, while that jag bag, taint-licking...

d*ck.

d*ck that we have gets to live.

It really throws my faith in God for a loop.

'Cause you're looking at it the wrong way, son.

God delivered her into his kingdom and left the other assh*le trapped in an earthly prison of vanity and greed.

If you were in heaven, wouldn't you want to be surrounded by people you like?

Yes.

And giant 3D plasma tvs.

God smites the good to fulfill their wishes to be delivered unto him.

I'm totally down with being delivered unto him, I just hope it happens with a big old pair of titties in my face.

Boy, you better start banking some karma, otherwise you're gonna be stuck with the assholes for eternity.

Give unto others, that's the key.

What do you do, Cassius?

Fresh air fund.

Every summer, I take a bunch of city kids out to a camp on the lake.

Two weeks of pure heaven.

You're a camp counselor?

Hell, no. I go fishing.

Drop them kids off and spend two weeks alone.

Kids get fresh air. I get freshwater trout.

I do a lot of volunteer work.

Oh, that's very nice, Kevin.

My name's Brian.

You look like a Kevin.

Well, I would love to have a nickname, then you could just call me by that.

Okay, your nickname is Kevin.

You...

Look, kid.

You look like a Kevin.

I'm going to be calling you Kevin by mistake half the time...

Right.

So it makes more g*dd*mn sense to nickname you Kevin and call you g*dd*mn Kevin.

Yeah, it's just that, you know, my cousin's name's Kevin, so it could get a little confusing, so maybe we should just...

Go get my sleeping mask out of my locker, top shelf, Kevin!

Okay.

I tell you suckers one thing I can personally guarantee.

You want some bad karma?

Try taking one of my Twixes.

Exactly 13 chilly ones left.

You got a charity, Voo?

I just try to send out a lot of positive vibes into the world every single day.

I'm doing it right now.

Yes, you are.

Those are goggles, assh*le.

When's the last time you saw somebody taking a nap underwater, Dennis?

It's Kevin.

I don't believe in any of this karma, positive energy bullshit.

No?

No.

I'm old school, old testament old school.

Which means you believe in what?

Vengeance.

Pure, unadulterated, biblical vengeance.

An eye for an eye?

Eye for an eye's for pussies.

You take my eye, I'm taking both of yours.

That's some hard-core sh*t.

It's common sense.

What do you do to give back?

I work with the blind.

How about you, Stats? You do any charity work?

Four, five, six, seven...

I work with special needs. Eight.

What do you two do to give back?

I'm helping to provide clean drinking water to the impoverished people of mysore in the Karnataka district of India.

Wow.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

What?

He liked "The Bourne Supremacy" so much, he went online after he watched it and donated 20 bucks to Matt Damon's water website.

You did?

Yeah.

I'm gonna.

It was two weeks before Christmas.

I was strapped for Cash.

Theresa's got, like, nine nieces and nephews.

Besides, what do you do to give back?

Meals on wheels.

Don't say "meals on wheels."

His ex, Jeff the chef, asked him to help out with meals on wheels, do a little driving. Guess what, he was too busy.

It was during the playoffs.

It is not my fault the Blackhawks won the Stanley cup.

Besides, you didn't do the dog rescue thing Theresa asked you to do. I drove her down there.

And you couldn't drop off some food to poor people on your way back?

Well, excuse me, Saint Francis of assisi, but some people work for a living.

You don't even know who that is.

Relax, I got something for you.

City's been after me to donate dummies, teach kids C.P.R.

You two agree to take out a rig on your day off, I'll let the parks department know you're coming.

Little kids get to learn how to be lifesavers, you guys get to learn how to be charitable, and my boss loves my ass.

That's a good karma grand slam.

Oh, yeah, we can do that.

Oh, done deal.

Absolutely.

Sounds great.

Hey, we got this.

Good.

How many kids signed up?

Around 15.

Oh, this is so cool.

15 kids who will potentially be able to save a life someday.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Man, we really gonna make a difference.

We should do this, like, once a month.

Mm-hmm, maybe twice a month.

Hello.

Just saying, you never know.

Huh, wh...

What?

I'm just so proud of you guys.

This came for you, Hank.

Some fancy-looking guy in a town car dropped it off.

Guys, keep a close watch on these dummies.

They cost 800 bucks apiece.

You'll have to start your own charity to pay me back if a couple of them go south.

We'll have them back safe and sound in five hours' time, boss.

[Exhales]

What?

The guy we saved yesterday.

You mean the guaranteed first ballot member of the douche bag hall of fame?

He just sent us two tickets to today's bears-packers game.

People change.

50-yard line.

V.I.P. suite.

[Gasps]

They got goat cheese up there.

It's not douchey if it's free.

The game starts at noon, though.

[Groans] What a bummer, guys.

Class isn't over till after the game.

I know.

So when you're done teaching the class, be sure to bring the dummies back here, wash them down, Polish them up, there's the keys. Thanks.

We'll bring you back a Jay cutler t-shirt.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, okay.

You want to talk about bad karma, this is genuinely terrible karma.

We organized this event to give back to the community, to make a difference, to increase public safety, and save lives.

And now you're willing to prost*tute it for personal gain?

That's right.

I used the word "prost*tute" as a verb.

He's right, John. The kids.

I know. The kids, we owe them.

We most certainly do.

Which is why we're gonna haul ass down to Douglas park, cut the class down to 15 minutes, haul ass back here, we'll have V.I.P pretzels with goat cheese on them by kickoff, boy.

What? No.

This is so wrong, guys.

What's so wrong about it?

I beg your pardon.

I don't quite understand.

Look, if, God forbid, they have to perform C.P.R. on someone, it means that someone is either dead or dying, so they need to do it fast anyways.

We're not teaching C.P.R., we're teaching speed-PR.

[Mimics expl*si*n] Wait, speed...

Oh, speed-PR! That's the way to do it.

What do you think of that?

Yes, absolutely.

I think this is very bad karma.

Bears-packers, 50-yard line, cheese from a goat.

Hmm.

This is not bad karma, it's a direct message from the son of God himself.

Maybe we should be asking ourselves that question, hmm?

What would Jesus do in this particular circumstance?

He'd rehire Ditka and pass around a bottomless jug of beer.

Let's go.

Give me the keys.

Get in the rig.

[Sighs]

Okay, kids, listen up, we're gonna be teaching you a new type of C.P.R. called "speed-PR."

We don't have a lot of time, so we're gonna really roll through this, okay?

So let's get rolling.

Yes, Deion.

Why don't we have any time?

Oh, well, 'cause when you do speed-PR, it's life and death, it's scary, and it's fast.

And it takes a lot of split-second decis...

Uh, Deyondre?

Isn't that all the more reason we should take our time when dealing, even hypothetically, with such a serious medical situation?

How old are you? You?

Yes, Devondre.

What's your name?

I am EMT John Farrell.

Yes, Deshondre.

What's an EMT?

It stands for "Emergency Medical Technician."

Now I think the first...

Uh, Deion.

Are you in the army?

Yeah, it's a lot like the army, except we're saving lives right here in Chicago.

So listen up, guy... Yes, Devondre?

Are you a captain?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a captain, whatever.

First things first.

Why do you get to be a captain?

What?

Why do you get to be a captain?

What difference does it make?

It makes a huge difference to me.

We started at the same time. Oh!

And I'm a black man in a poor neighborhood, standing in front of a group of predominantly black...

I am colonel Henry St. clare.

And as captain Farrell's commanding officer, I think the first thing we should do...

Why you don't got no epilep?

Why don't you have an epilep sir?

What the hell is an epilep?

Michael Jackson had epileps on all his jackets.

Why you don't?

Michael Jackson d*ed from epileps, had a seizure.

Actually, no. He...

Uh, who are you?

Well, "Claren-say"...

Uh, it's Clarence.

Clarence, I am a...

Sergeant.

[Chuckles] Sergeant Kevin.

Brian.

Kevin Brian?

That's the whitest name I ever heard.

Oh, and my name's Ashley.

Why are all the dummies white?

White people die too.

Not in this neighborhood.

Oh, Deshondre, why are you kissing the dummy?

'Cause I never kissed a white boy before.

Ain't you supposed to kiss the dead person and bring them back to life?

Sometimes.

Why ain't there no girl dummies?

Why they ain't got no titties?

Oh.

Uh, with the language.

What are you drawing on that, huh?

Nipples.

No!

No, don't draw on the dummies. Don't draw no nipples.

Come on, guys. Listen up, now, listen up.

Who drew a penis on this one?

Can we go for a ride in the ambulance?

Yeah, yeah. Look, no nipples, no penises.

Although this is very quality work, you're very talented.

Why didn't you save Michael Jackson?

Because he lives in California.

But you said you was the army.

Army can inv*de Iraq, but it can't save a black man in California?

Damn shame.

Yeah, colonel.

Why couldn't you save a black man in California?

No, hey!

Holy sh*t!

You said they could go for a ride.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm calling Theresa. She's in Lawndale today.

Look, tell her to keep it on the D.L., because if we make an official report, we gotta go down there and file and...

sh*t!

If we get the rig back fast, we can still make the game.

Is Tiger Woods really black?

No.

Yes.

Guys, this is my new partner, Billy.

I'm Billy Cepeda, y'all.

Johnny, Hank, Brian.

What happened to Denzel?

[Laughs] They call Danny "Denzel Washington."

He got transferred to another precinct, and so now I'm working with Puerto Rican Matt Dillon look-alike over here.

I do not look like Matt Dillon.

Guys, do I look like Matt Dillon?

No.

Yes.

Guys, we should really call this in.

No! No, no, no.

No!

It'll lead to hours and hours of paperwork.

Look, head down west Roosevelt.

They're from the neighborhood.

They're probably just on a joyride.

How did they get away with the rig anyway?

We were leading a C.P.R. class in the park...

And while we were focused on actual C.P.R. training, they got in the rig and took off.

How does an 11-year-old even know how to drive?

I saw a five-year-old monkey driving a little motorized car one time on YouTube, in China, man, and behind him was this bear on a unicycle.

Bear looked like he was, like, at least...

He was probably, like, eight, right?

So the monkey crashes the car, and then the bear gets off the unicycle, and then the bear eats the monkey!

[Laughs]

Hey, you guys hungry?

So is this C.P.R. class a new thing?

Uh, yeah, it's charity.

We're giving back to the community.

Mm-hmm.

That's really sweet.

Yeah.

Whose idea was it?

It was mine.

Mine.

Mac's.

Together.

Mac's.

Together we came up with it.

Mac's idea.

You know, I was reflecting on all that good work you do with the homeless dogs, and it really sunk in.

Abandoned and abused dogs.

Exactly, abandoned and abused and no homes, and it is tragic.

I'm going to, um, start doing that with you again.

What night of the week do you do that?

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday afternoon.

That's a lot of dogs.

I'm doing that with her now.

Oh! You are?

He is.

Yeah, man, it's the best.

It's so... [snaps]

Oh, my... what's the word I'm trying to think of?

Uh...

Comforting?

No, that's close. Starts with a "C," though.

Courageous?

All right.

Cool. It is so cool, you know?

Sure.

I'm actually working on my own charity idea.

Get this, really good sandwiches that I would deliver to poor people and, like... uh, cripples.

They already have that. It's called meals on wheels.

Oh, damn. That is way better than my name.

Which was?

Really good sandwiches for poor people and cripples.

Okay.

Do you see the rig?

♪ ♪ Ambulance, ambulance, ambulance ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ where, oh, where is my ambulance? ♪ ♪

Isn't he cute?

Oh, God.

Just keep heading down here.

If we hurry up and get this thing back, we can still make the second half.

Second half of what?

Of the C.P.R. class.

Yeah, yeah, we just trying to, you know, teach the kids a lesson.

Yeah, it's all about the kids.

I bet.

Hang on, everyone.

[Siren blares]

Whoa! What are you doing?

We need to find the rig.

It'll take two seconds.

Tony pepperoni. Homeless veteran.

Terrible drinking problem. Give me a hand.

We don't have time for this.

Oh, come on.

Oh!

Tony pepperoni, more like Tony piss-aroni.

Hey, this is the smell of helping someone less well off.

This is the bouquet of brotherly love, the essence of humanity.

I took humanity in college.

I think you mean "humanities."

No, it was just that one class, bro.

Theresa.

Hey, Tony, how you doing?

I'm fine. It's the weekend.

We're gonna get you some help.

Okay.

All right, guys. Help him up.

What?

Go on.

Hey, Tony. How you feeling?

Tony, I want you to eat something.

All: Whoa.

So what's your favorite part of the job so far, Billy?

My favorite part of the job?

Um, I gotta think about it.

I would probably have to go with the b*ll*ts.

They're pretty awesome, man.

And they're really, really shiny.

Here, let me show you. Oh, you don't... here, check this out.

The rig, the rig!

The rig, the rig, the rig!

[Overlapping chatter]

[Sirens wailing]

[Sniffing]

You decided to come, Tony.

Is that a problem?

Nope.

Hey, can I tell them to pull over?

Yes.

[Clears throat]

Pull over! It's the police!

Hey, we spoke about this, Billy.

You don't have to yell into the loudspeaker.

I know. I'm sorry, T.

Do you want me to sh**t out the tires?

All: No!

We need the tires.

Do not sh**t the tires out, Billy.

Okay.

So you were in Vietnam, huh?

Vietnam?

How old do you think I am, bitch?

I was in the Gulf w*r.

Not the first one, the second one.

The good one! How old do I look to you?

Old enough to bathe once a week.

I don't smell that bad.

Theresa, do I smell bad to you, Theresa?

No. Not at all.

Kids stealing ambulances, k*lling each other in the streets.

What's happening to this country?

What happened to the old Chicago, man?

This is what I fought for?

Where are these assholes headed?

It looks like they're headed for the hospital.

Why the hell would they be going there?

All right. Hold on, everyone.

[All shout]

[Coughs, gags]

Oh, my God.

I guess I shouldn't have had that second bottle of wine.

[Groans]

[Sirens wailing]

[Coughing, gagging]

Come on!

No, no, no, no, no! Don't even think about running.

We got to hurry, captain Farrell.

There's a patient in the back. What?

I'm sorry, colonel Hank.

We was just gonna go for a ride, as a joke, but then we saw this dude collapse in the street.

Let's get you inside. Come on, buddy.

So that C.P.R. class you did today...

Actually turned you into heroes.

Hell no.

These two was preaching some speed-PR bullshit.

Couldn't understand any of it.

We learned C.P.R. at a camp last summer from this big guy named Cassius Clay.

Yo! These are prime seats, V.I.P., for the bears-packers game.

Yo, man. Y'all better hurry up.

You're about to miss kickoff.

Are we gonna go to jail?

Yes.

No.

You guys are going to a bears game.

Get in the cruiser, I'll give you a ride.

Tony.

You ride with captain John and the colonel over here.

[Laughs]

Speed-PR.

Ha!

Karma can be such a bitch.

You know, sometimes she gives you a hand, and then sometimes she pisses right down your leg.

God.

[Laughing] Pissing...

[Sighs] Get in the car, sweetie.

Right.

Get in the rig.

[Chuckling]

Mac is not gonna like this.

I hope you fellas learned a valuable lesson today.

You reap what you sow, my friends.

You reap what you sow.

Where'd you get that?

Fridge at the depot.

Mm.

Big bag of 'em in there.

What?

Mm-mm.

Mmm.

These are way better cold.