03x03 - Stage Fright/Never Say Uncle

[bunniefuu]

[Jenny]
♪ 5:00, get a call
to go blading ♪

♪ at the skate park
down by the mall, ♪

♪ but my mom says ♪

♪ I gotta prevent
hostile aliens ♪

♪ from annihilating us all. ♪

Hyah!

♪ With the strength
of a million and 70 men, ♪

♪ I guess I really
shouldn't complain. ♪

♪ Still, I wish I could
go for a walk ♪

♪ without rusting
in the rain. ♪

♪ It's enough
to fry my brain. ♪

♪ So welcome to my life
as a teenage robot, ♪

♪ the story of my life
as a teenage robot. ♪

♪ My teenage robot life. ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[Brad]
The school play, huh?

It's my chance
to finally get involved.

They wouldn't let me join
the wrestling team

for fear I would break
the other students.

Yeah.
And they kicked me
off debate team

when they found out I could
talk 500 words a minute.

That was unfair.

But drama club--
I should be great at this.

My life
is full of drama.

You said it;
you gotta do this.

You're gonna rock.

Are you
gonna audition?

No way; I'm not joining
that dork parade.

See ya.

[upbeat piano music]

pshh, pshh,
pshh, pshh.

twang! twang!

Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.

Sibilance, sibilance,
sibilance.

Ahhhhhhh.

I am ice cream, and I melt.
I am ice cream, and I melt.

Achtung!

[all chatting excitedly]

cr*ck!

This is our stage.

This is not the movies,

where camera close-ups
can bring emphasis

to the smallest of movements
and simplest of lines.

wham!

bang!

slam!

Rosebud.

[all gasp]

[cheers and applause]

This is so cool.

[cheers and applause]

cr*ck!

This is live theater.

You must be huge!

You must be epic!

I am.

[Leopold]
You must believe!

I believe.

You must be big
with your choices,

over the top
with every action,

so the peoples in the back row
can feel you.

You must come out
and fill the space completely.

There is no such thing
as small emotions,

only small actors.

[cheers and applause]

I'm home.

We start with the auditions.

Who would like to go first?

Oh, oh, oh, me!

pow!

buzz!

Heh-heh-heh, me.

Ja, robot girl.

Someone of your attributes
need not audition.

Next!

I'm in.
I'm in!

I can't believe it.

And I didn't even
have to try out.

♪ Ahhhhhhhh. ♪

[upbeat piano music]

How's this, babes?

[girls screaming]

Or this?

[girls screaming]

Does this fill the space?

[girls screaming]

Whatever.

Sheldon, I have
to tell you something.

Not now, Jenny.

We're in the middle
of our act.

But I love you.

smack!

twang!

Ow!

hoo, hoo, hoo.

toot, toot, toot, toot.

bang!

ca-chunk!

[circus music]

[boy]
Hey, aren't you
in grade school?

zip!

[snoring]

[Leopold]
Achtung!

I have mademein decisions
on who's in and who's out.

Und I have posted them
on that list.

[talking excitedly]

bzzzzz!

What the--

Where's my name?

bzzzz!

Mr. Leopold, you said
I didn't need to try out.

[laughs]

Of course not.

Because there was no way
you could get in the play

with the way you look,

the iron maiden.

You were judging me
by my looks?

Oh, I am sorry,
mein metallicliebchen.

There's really no place for
a shiny robot in Shakespeare.

No, please.

I can do any role.

I have the whole thing
memorized, with Cliff Notes.

I can be Juliet.

What devil art thou
that dost torment me thus?

Or her nurse.

We are undone, lady.
We are undone.

Or fiery Tybalt.

What, drawn,
and talk of peace!

I hate the world.

Have at thee, coward.

Or that weirdo friar.

There is no way.

sniff, sniff

Save it!

I am Leopold.

Better actresses than you

have tried to make me cry--
and failed.

But I'm not completely
heartless, my steel fraeulein.

I will find you a role
you are suited for.

Yes!

What were you thinking?

They don't write sonnets
about steel.

Yeah, you couldn't act your way
out of a tool chest, bolt brain.

But you do make
a passable coatrack.

[sighs]

[Leopold]
Places--now!

Time for my entrance.

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou?

Bigger,
bigger!

More emotion!

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Like, I'm right here, babe.

bonk!

[Leopold]
Stick to da script!

Do it again,
and bigger!

[sighs]

[rumbling noise]

Huh?

[rumbling noise]

bang!

crash!

[ominous music]

Oh, no,
it's an--

[all]
Alien invasion,
alien invasion!

Auuuuugh!

[both]
Ahhhhhhhh!

pop!

Invasion, huh?

Not on my watch.

bzzzzz!

[screaming]

Alien invasion!

This is one role
I'm prepared for.

Huh?
No, wait!

pow!

Stop.
crash!

Please, we just came to--

smash!

You got it all wrong.

Auuuugh!

Hey.

We're the good--

zap, zap, zap, zap!

zap!

smack, smack, smack, smack!

thump, thump, thump, thump.

Please, please,
no more.

[Jenny]
All right,
short, dark, and ugly.

I want you alien scum
to pack up and clear out--

now, understand?

Hey, hey,
we just came to warn you.

Warn us?

Yeah; what did you think
we were doing?

Uh, attacking?

[all gasp]

No, not us.

Well, you can't blame me.

You guys come storming in here
looking all, you know,

the way you look.

And how do we look?

Well, you know, evil.

[grumbling]
Oh, here we go again.

I'm so tired of this.

Why do we even bother?

But you were yelling
"alien invasion."

Okay, who does that?

Yelling "alien invasion"
while they're invading?

Okay, that's just stupid.

So you're not evil?

I don't even want
to dignify that with a response.

You judged us
solely on our looks.

Good job.

Oh, I'm just like
Leopold.

Except for the German accent
and the inflated ego

and the overacting
and the riding crop

and the boots
and the hat, and--

Okay, enough
with your issues.

The point is,
we came to warn you.

That's why
we were yelling "invasion."

Aliens from our sister planet
are coming to att*ck,

and they make us
look like pussycats.

Pussykittens.

They're the evil ones.

How long do we have?

About 20 seconds.

What?
You call that a warning?

Hey, pal, you would
have had ten minutes,

but you had to waste
that time b*ating us up,

playing Little Miss
Intergalactic Smackdown.

"Look at me;
look at me.

I'm tough little
Earth girl robot thang."

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Oh, we're
jacked now.

[children oohing and aahing]

They're beautiful.

I'm so happy.

I'm not worthy.

Whoa.

whoosh, whoosh!

whoosh, whoosh!

whoosh!

[intense music]

Perish, Earth scum.

Auuuugghh!

whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!

pow, pow, pow, pow!

[screaming]

Okay, that's eno--

whoosh!

Oooooh, pretty.

pow, pow, pow, pow!

bang, bang, bang, bang!

All right, that does it.

You hear me?

No more Miss Nice Robo--

bang!

I'm warning you, guy--

pow, pow, pow!

crash!

[all gasp]

whoosh!

Ahhhhh.

smack, smack, smack,
smack, smack!

zap, zap, zap!

[whimpering]
Hold me.

Hey, she's mine.

Let go!

pow!

No!

We had our whole lives
ahead of us.

thud!

It's no use.

I can't fight them.

They're too beautiful.

Don't look
at them.
What?

You mustn't look at them.

It's the only way.

Yeah, that's it--of course.

zoom!

I see no evil,
but I can still punch it.

smack!

shing!

whoosh

I hear you.

smack, smack, smack, smack!

smack!

thud, thud, thud, thud!

Time to chill out.

boom!

[shattering]

[shivering]
Let's get out of here.

Ha, ha.

And stay out.

I'm sorry
I misjudged you.

Thanks for your help

and for opening my eyes.

[sniffs]
This is the feel-good event
of the semester.

Oh,liebchen,

thank you from the bottom
ofmein soul.

Now we can get back
to the play.

[cheers and applause]

Grab these costumes,
liebchen.

Coatrack time for you.

Didn't you see
what just happened?

Ja.

Don't judge a book
by its cover?

Appearances
can be deceiving?

Ja, ja.
What's your point?

[whispering]

Achtung!

I am a genius.

A new way to interpret
the play.

Get to work.
Schnell, schnell!

[upbeat music]

Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

But, soft!

What light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.

ca-chunk!

[cheers and applause]

Wow.

This isn't dorky at all.

This is lame.

You said it, babe.

Yeah, hurry up
and get to the poison scene.

[aliens yawning]

Ist fantastisch.

It's stupendous.

It's, it's--uh,was ist das?

[chirping]

[yawning]

What a morning.

Sun's in the sky.

The birds are in the trees.

crash!

And Mom's in her lab.

Mom, what's going on?

pow, pow, pow, pow!

My electronic address file
has gone haywire.

[grunts]

pow, pow, pow--
bzzzzz!

Ew, looks like
I'm off to Radio Shed.

You need anything, dear?

[whirring noise]
ping!

Nope, I'm good.

Very well.

Be back in a jiff.

Look at all these old addresses.

Robert Oppenheimer.

Albert Einstein?

Tiny Tim?

[gasps]

I never knew about this.

[tires screeching]

I'm home, dear.

XJ9?

Don't, "I'm home, dear," me,
Wakeman.

The jig is up.

XJ9, have you been streaming
old detective movies again?

Cut the small talk.

How come you never told me
I have an "ant"?

Or is it pronounced "ahnt?"

Anyway, don't tell me
the last name is a coincidence.

Ugh, my sister and I
haven't spoken in years.

We don't exactly see eye to eye.

I always loved science,

but Wisteria
was a flower child.

Healing crystals,
chakra tchotchkes,

all that sort of rubbish.

No matter.

It's unlikely
she'll ever visit.

Yoo-hoo, sister dear.

Oops, I kind of called her up
and invited her over.

Wisteria?

Long time, no see,
Noreen.

How long has it been?


but who's calculating?

ping!

Where is she?

Where is my niece?

You finally got
your egghead out of the lab

long enough
to do something natural.

Aunt Wisteria!

Auuuugh!

Look out!
Mechanical monster!

Run for your lives!

[horse whinnying]

[Wisteria screaming]

[screaming]

Whoa, boy!

screech!

Whew!

Stop polluting my wagon,
you heap of metal.

Hold on, there.

XJ9 just saved your life.

[Wisteria]
How is scaring me half to death
supposed to save my life?

Huh? Hey, who's in there?

bang, crash, rattle!

boom!

Auuugh!

Auuugh!

A hideous swamp mutant.

[growling]

Wisteria, get that biohazard
away from my daughter.

First, call that w*apon
off my son.

Son?

Daughter?

screech!

Cousin!

Cousin!

This is fantastic.

I never knew
I had a cousin.

My name is XJ9,
but you can call me Jenny.

My name is Glenn,
but you can call me, uh, Glenn.

Oops, sorry about the goop.

Here.

That's okay.
I'll get it.

Ugh, a robot niece.

Oh, what a total
downer.

Well, at least XJ9
has her head screwed on right--

I should know;
I screwed it on myself--

which is more than I can say
for some members of this family.

Let's split, Glenn,

before the karma around here
gets any worse.

Okay, Ma.

Bye, Jenny.

ding!

[sizzling]

crash!

Oh, bummer.

A flat.

I'll fix it, Ma.

crash!

crash!

crash!

crash!

Hey, maybe I can fix it.

But it might take a while.

I've only had one week
of woodshop.

Well, I'm not bunking
in that toxic tower.

Glenn, dear,
help me set up camp.

Okay, Ma.

splat!

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

Ah, just in time
for yoga practice.

How relaxing.

Hey, this is relaxing.

[giggles]

[Wakeman]
Ah-hem.

bonk!

ptew, ptew, ptew!

ptew, ptew!

bonk!

Hey, what's up?

Can you come down?

Sure.

Wow, cool.

You have flying hair.

And your hair is--

um, uh--

[raccoon chittering]

Full of life?

[both laughing]

So how is
the repair job going?

It'll be ready
tomorrow.

I sure wish you could stay
a little longer.

Me too.

Too bad our moms
have to fight so much.

Yeah, there must be something
they have in common.

They are sisters,
after all.

Hey, look,

a sh**ting star.

Glenn,
you're a genius.

I am?

It's a figure of speech.

But you've hit upon something.

Astronomy is the study
of the sky,

a science
all about nature,

something both of our moms
are interested in.

Hey, maybe we can get them
out here tomorrow night.

Perfect, here's the plan.

So...
[whispering]

[rooster crows]

[sizzling]

Morning, Aunt Noreen.

Oh, good morning, Glenn.

Jenny's out fixing the wagon.

Hey, want some honey
on that toast?

squish!

Oh, uh, how thoughtful
of you, Glenn.

You're very kind,
in your own weird way.

I apologize for calling you
names yesterday.

That's okay.

I didn't understand any of them.

Hey, can I help you
around the lab?

I love science.

Really?

Oh, sure.

My favorite science
is as-tro-nomy,

and there's gonna be
a loony éclair tonight.

[Wakeman]
You're right,
a lunar eclipse.

There's hope for you yet,
my boy.

A toast.

[both]
To science!

munch, munch, munch!

Excuse me, Aunt Wisteria.
Did you see a nut roll by here?

A nut?

Since when did machines
eat granola?

[Jenny]
I meant this kind of nut

to help fix your wheel.

[Wisteria]
Oh, how artistic.

I guess all machines
aren't so bad.

I should be more open-minded.

Mom designed me
with an open mind.

Take a look.

I--I'll take your word
for it.

Yup, I'm interested
in all sorts of things.

Like last night--

I saw the most beautiful
colored lights in the sky.

The northern lights?
Far out.

No, close up.

We have a super cool telescope
out back.

You feel like you can reach out
and touch the stars.

Wow.

[Jenny]
Too bad you can't stay
to see it.

You're all set to go.

[whinnying]

Oh, wow.
Like, thanks, Jenny.

[Jenny]
Yup, that's one wheel
that won't break again.

What about, um,
that one?

bang!

Oh, well,
back to the old workshop.

[laughing]

ppppfffff!

[Wisteria]
Wow, I've never seen such
strange formations so close up.

Blah!

Wisteria,
what are you doing here?

Your Jenny invited me up
to look at the northern lights.

What a coincidence.

Glenn told me
about the lunar eclipse.

You know,
just for the children's sake,

let's put aside our differences
for one night.

Sounds good to me.

Great.

Now, let's have a look
at that eclipse.

But the northern lights
are in this direction.

But the eclipse
is over here.

Just once, choose beauty
over science, you bookworm.

[Wakeman]
How dare you?

[Wisteria]
Give me that
so I can see the lights.

[Wakeman]
Eclipse!

Lights!

Eclipse!

Lights!

cr*ck!

Now look what you've done.

It's not my fault
you bought cheap equipment.

How dare you impugn
my instrument?

Get out.

Gladly.

There, that should do it.

Now we'll be
on our way.

Don't linger on my account.

Glenn.

Come along, Glenn.
We're ready to go.

[Jenny and Glenn]
Help! Help!

[Glenn]
Help! Help!

[Jenny]
Help! Help us, please!

Jenny?
Glenn?

Nice acting, cousin.

You too, cuz.

Now for the main attraction.

Come on,
the kids are in danger.

screech!

[both gasp]

Hee, hee, hee, hee.

Unhand the children,
you fiend,

or taste my vengeance.

[rumbling noise]

whoosh!

Kumbaya, my friend.

Kumbaya.

What on Earth
are you doing?

I'm staging
a nonviolent intervention.

Ha!

What's so funny about peace,
love, and understanding?

Rubbish.

Leave this to science.

Give peace a chance.

Give me a break.

Wisteria, no.

Auuugh!

whoosh!

clang!

crash!

[Jenny]
You blockhead.

I knew this stupid plan
wouldn't work.

It's not my fault your egghead
mom ruined everything.

[Jenny]
Egghead?

Well, at least my mom's
not a flake

like your mom.

You take that back.

You take it back first.

zing!

chomp!

ptew!

Children,
stop this fighting.

Stop it, I say.

zing!

pow!

Fighting and insults
never solve anything.

[engine revving]

You should remember
to love each other.

And respect each other's
differences.

Oh, Wisteria.

I've been a fool.

Oh, Noreen,
my dear sister.

Mission accomplished.

Great work, cuz.

Thank you, children.

For reuniting
the Wakeman family.

[whirring noise]

snap!

[Jenny]
Now, that's what I call
picture perfect.

It is perfect.

Well, it would be,
on this page.

Oh, no, the vibes on this page
are much more positive.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

[Wisteria]
Who are you calling
ridiculous?

If the mood ring fits.

I refuse to have
my every action--

You are the coldest
of cold fish, Noreen.

[bickering continues]

[both]
Ohh.

[raccoon chittering]

[Wakeman]
Soap--you should
try it sometime!