01x03 - Microphallus

[bunniefuu]

[Sighs]

Mom?

What are you...

Oh, mom.

[Hip-hop music]

Y'all know what it is.

I'm on fire.

Somebody put me out, yo.

♪ She knows what she want ♪

All right.

There you go.

What are you doing out of your retired shrink costume?

Having a meeting with Evelyn Danton from my book club for coffee.

Meeting, huh?

[Laughs]

Man, that woman can do more in bed than any post-menopausal woman has any right to be able to do.

There goes the appetite.

Hey, dad.

Yup?

What do you do if you like a girl and you like a boy?

I don't know, Roscoe.

I don't know.

I'm open to whatever.

You know, today is the anniversary of your mother's death.

f*ck, dad.

What?

I know it's the f*ckin' anniversary.

I know it every f*ckin' year, and if I forget, you say it.

You say it every year, dad.

Can we just skip the part next year where you tell me it's the anniversary?

So you're good with it, huh?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't have to be fine, Marty.

What... what I'm not, dad, is in the mood for a session right now.

Please. I'm just trying to get out the f*ckin' door, man.

It's not a session, man, if you tell me you're having a hard time, like I am, and we say to each other, Okay?

Okay.

'Cause that's what...

That's what families do, Marty.

Okay, dad.

Yeah.

It's all right to do that.

Hey, dad.

♪ ♪

Want me to teach you how to Dougie?

Yeah, man, teach me how to Dougie.

♪ ♪
♪ uh, uh, she like a pro ♪
♪ hey, hey, like a pro ♪

[Elevator dings]

Hey. Did you guys all forget what time it is?

We got to be down in the car.

Marty, maybe you should not be here.

I don't know, maybe you could hide or something.

This is how it ends.

Daddy, it is a very bad day.

Yeah.

No.

Oh.

m*therf*cker.

It's the Galweather team.

Who rocked our socks off in Nueve Jork.

Unbelievable.

Amazing.

This is gonna be great.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

I think... I think you've interfaced with Greg Norbert From...

Did he just say interfaced?

Yeah.

Well, maybe we should just put this out there because I'm sure the rumors are already flying.

I got this one, skip.

We just loved what your team did for us in new York.

I mean, loved it.

Really?

So much.

And after you left, we felt sad.

[Whimpers]

No, not really.

No, but we had all this bailout money, and we realized, no, we're paying out the ass for top-tier consulting firms like yours, so why not acquire one for internal strategic planning?

Boom.

Get it.

Boom me, Marty.

Boom.

And then all these millions we're pissing away in consulting fees all in-house.

We buy it, own it, control it, use it, bop!

It's ours.

You will be ours.

I mean that...

I mean that in a figurative sense.

Let me put it this way...

Um...

[Clears throat]

I'm all about family.

I mean, I personally don't have a family anymore, so you, you all, will be my new family.

We're gonna work together and build a profitable/happy family.

Familia!

[Scats]

♪ ♪

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Okay, Greg.

Mm-hmm?

Thanks.

Whether we go forward with this or not, I want you to help in whatever way you can.

Metro is an enormous...

[Laughs]

I mean, enormous company.

Which means it's bigger than us.

Okay.

Carry on.

[Laughs] That's all right.

All right, party time.

Come on.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Mm.

Hey, Marty.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Greg.

Let's talk.

So, look, buddy, look.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna smash your head in, then I'm gonna personally f*ck your bashed-in eye socket.

Metaphorically.

Well, as long as it's metaphorically.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Greg?

How's your beautiful wife?

I heard she tastes like pinkberry.

Our pod in particular represents the loss of his entire life.

You know, I got to say, he was kind of friendly to me.

Are you f*cking kidding me, Harvard?

Were you there?

As friendly as the tr*nny?

Whoa!

What?

Come here.

Don't keep walking.

What, the tr*nny?

No tr*nny.

Okay, well, Doug really does tell it better, but I'll give it a whirl.

God damn it.

We're drinking at a club when Doug turns to talk to a very cute, very muscular young little lady.

Big deal.

So it's a chat.

That's when I saw it, right?

Adam's apple.

The size of a f*cking handball.

Yeah, I saw it too and I thought it was gross.

They left the club together.

What the f*ck?

You're a liar.

I am not lying.

I saw you leave with her.

You didn't see sh*t.

I left on my... let me tell you why I left on my own.

Because when she kissed me on the cheek good-bye, I could feel her whiskers, so...

You kissed her.

What?

That is what happened.

You're doing it again. Wrong.

You're wrong.

You're wrong, wrong.

Listen, where the f*ck are we going?

We're going to Indiana.

Oh, home of the Raggedy Ann Doll.

Shut...

The f*ck...

Up.

IBC, integrated bottling corporation.

I love their diet chocolate soda.

Aren't those good?

Yeah, interesting issue here.

IBC's been developing a complete business restructuring for the past several years, something they're calling Apache, a ground-up reboot of their entire flow.

Everything from the computer that tells them how much syrup to put in Doug's chocolate soda to when to pay the workers and how much.

They're getting ready to go live.

Now there's a couple warring factions we need to keep our eye out on, okay?

The CEO who believes that his Apache Enterprise Resource Planning Initiative...

Otherwise known as E.R.P.

I know what the f*ck it stands for.

He believes it is, "a", the next wave in business process reengineering while the CFO believes it is, "b", a ridiculous and masturbatory money suck.

Hint: It's probably not "a".

Easy. We throw every model we can think of at it, and we see which one performs.

Ooh, that would be a really good idea if it were up and running.

Dumb sh*t.

It's very cute the way you're all sort of learning at your own pace, but none of this sh*t matters, okay?

The only thing that we need to figure out is what makes them think they can't live without us for the next three years while we infect the host and bleed them dry.

Shut up.

I'm not drunk.

Hey, Doug, if you didn't hook up with that tr*nny, then why did you guys leave the club at the same exact moment?

Why did you...

Hmm?

[Clears throat] Excuse me, can I please get some more warm nuts?

Oh, you always get the tour.

I love the tour.

It's always the best workplace on earth.

It's... it's g*dd*mn Disneyland.

You know, if it's all so f*cking great, why are we here?

All the way down that way.

Then there's the moment when you meet the players.

In this case, the usual megalomaniacal CEO.

Hi, Jonathan.

Marty Kaan from Galweather.

Thank you so much for giving us this opportunity.

We are really looking forward to giving you some pretty enlightening takeaways on your Apache E.R.P.

You say something like that.

Then he says...

Hey, Marty.

Let's do this.

[Laughs]

Ah.

And then you've got your rain man-like chief financial officer.

In this case, Spalding Winter.

He's the guy who's figured out this whole E.R.P. thing sucks and he's trying to make his case to Jonathan over here.

Even though the money is kind of here.

And you've got disgruntled little management here.

Here we go.

Marty Kaan.

It is a pleasure.

Spalding Winter.

Now the trick.

How do we get these two what they want... Eventually after taking a shitload of their money?

Oh, and my wife Ginelle.

Forgot my phone this morning.

Hey. Like I have nothing else to do today.

So now...

One second. Jesus.

[Grunts]

It's all about leverage.

I leverage the way people perceive me.

Not a whole lot going on here.

Not a whole lot except...

[Jackpot bell, whistles, and cheers]

Ginelle likes that black d*ck.

What are you gonna do?

Nice to meet you.

Marty Kaan.

Oh, hi, Marty.

Hey, oh, we would love to have you and...

Both: Jeannie.

Jeannie join us for dinner.

Maybe tomorrow night?

Sure.

We'd love to.

So Greg Norbert's got our nuts in a noose.

Anybody feeling like these guys are gonna be our salvation?

No. And this E.R.P. better be good because they are barely hanging on.

You know what, something's been playing on my mind a little bit.

I'm curious, why do you think that she invited you and Jeannie to dinner and not me and Clyde?

Are you serious?

I mean, it was a slap in the face.

We were standing right there.

How can you miss this?

This is insane to me.

It was like she was saying, "hey, hey, you underlings "don't exist or anything, "so why would you like a delicious home-cooked meal in our great mid-Western mansion?"

It is incredibly rude.

I mean, I haven't had a home-cooked meal in God knows how long.

Maybe she sensed all she'd get from you guys were stories about getting head from trannies and Starwood points.

I did not get head from her, okay?

Whoa!

I got nothing from her.

Well...

I've told you a thousand times.

You know what, I'm not gonna...

Ha-ho, I see what you're doing.

I'm not gonna take the bait.

Not gonna do it.

Not gonna sink to your level, okay?

And her name is Kiki, by the way.

Jesus Christ.

"Her name is Kiki, by the way."

God damn it.

Listen, dirty mommy Winter wants to f*ck me.

She invited Jeannie along to be the beard.

I love the humility.

Thank you.

How many times I got to tell you guys, you got to break this sh*t down from the first nanosecond?

Tell me about the CEO Strauss-Robb, go.

Conspiratorial... the wink and the "let's do this."

How about the CFO, Doug?

Well, he liked you.

Doug, the CFO?

Did not like you, let me finish, because he is against the Apache E.R.P.

Which we have been brought in to bolster.

And talk to me about dirty mommy Winter.

She wanted to f*ck you because you got that big black cock.

Now we just have to collect all those details together and use them to our advantage.

Yeah, but you're not gonna f*ck her, Marty.

You're not gonna f*ck her, Marty.

I...

Hey.

Hide it, hide it, hide it.

Thank you. You're doing the right thing here.

f*ck you.

I think consultants are scum.

But this thing is codezilla.

I was involved with all the simulations, and if Apache goes live, IBC goes dark.

We're dark for one week, Coke or Pepsico's gonna come in here and buy us up for pennies on the dollar.

They'll split us up, and it'll be over.

So you do something with that.

[Doorbell rings]

We told the decorator, "just design your g*dd*mn ID."

Huh.

You can really see that.

Come sit over next to me.

Everybody looks so huge from down here.

It's so comfortable here.

Hey, say, Ginny, have you had a chance to give Marty the grand tour of the house?

No.

Yes, Marty.

Come with me on the Grande tour of the whole house.

Okay.

And you two can get to know each other better while we're touring.

Oh, I would love a tour.

You start downstairs with Spalding, and I will start upstairs with Marty.

Two tours.

It's okay.

It's her thing.

You actually want me to follow your wife?

It's what she wants.

What do you want?

I want Apache stopped.

So you think I'm gonna trade banging your wife for bagging the E.R.P. green light?

No?

Marty!

Look, just go.

She's an animal.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry.

Size 7 Louboutins, right?

Yup.

Dead-on.

You have gorgeous feet.

Thank you.

I don't suppose you'd let me rub them.

Um, wouldn't Ginelle object to that?

Nothing weird.

Just a foot massage.

I would let a homeless schizophrenic rub my feet.

I'll get my oils.

Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

This is my naughty room.

I can...

I can see that.

You and I have wanted this since the second we laid eyes on each other.

So why don't you give me that big black d*ck of yours?

Come on.

Do it.

Is this a saddle?

Are you sure this is okay?

Shh.

Let go, Jeannie.

Let go.

[Sighs]

Oh, God.

Come on, Marty.

It's fine with Spalding.

This is the accommodation that has been made.

What do you mean, "accommodation"?

Because of Spalding's handicap.

Your husband has a handicap?

His... his microphallus.

I'm sorry, it sounded like you said microphallus.

His microphallus.

His... his... his little man-clit.

His teen-is.

No, don't say teen-is.

It's like a teeny, tiny, little mushroom.

Oh, the guy's got a microphallus.

Oh, that must be so bad for you.

Thank God I have you.

[Both giggling]

Oh, you nasty.

Oh.

Oh. sh*t.

Oh, I'm fun.

Oh, you're just strong.

[Unzipping]

This is gonna hurt.

Oh, my.

Whoo!

Whoa, that's attached.

Go easy on me.

[Laughs]

What is that?

Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

Really?

Actually, um...

Play on.

[Whipping]

[Whinnies]

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, officer.

Just go deep.

Ah.

So... Indiana.

Yeah, Indiana.

That was some weird sh*t.

And my toes are all squishy.

What do you say we just keep this one between us, all right?

Yes, that'd be best.

Yeah.

[Engine turns over]

Hey, Spalding.

Good morning.

Listen, I don't want to put my foot in my mouth or anything like that...

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, but there's a couple of small details I wanted to go over with you.

I mean, they're tiny really.

Miniscule.

Just about like that.

I mean, wow.

Oh, okay.

She told you.

What if she did?

So, what, I'm supposed to buy your silence about my condition by caving on the E.R.P.

And then you won't let it slip on a business website or speak about it?

Shh-chh-chh.

Right.

Talk to one of my colleagues.

I see.

You know, Marty, people in my position wield quite a bit of power, certainly more than you do as a consultant.

Hmm.

And I find that anybody in a position of power is compensating for something, and I'm sure you've got some deep, primal wound that haunts you and drives you.

Clearly from the sounds my wife was making last night, it is not your cock size.

Well, good for you.

But if you think for a second that I am going to sell out my expertise for my pride, you are mistaken.

I am not backing that E.R.P.

To the board.

Oh, and Marty, f*ck you.

Neither sides are gonna move on this.

I got nothing.

But we're going in giving full support for the E.R.P., right?

With some caveats, delays, the usual bullshit, that's what we do.

I don't know, man.

What do you mean you don't know?

We gotta have something right there.

m*therf*cker. I can feel my gastritis jacking up.

Jonathan.

You got a second?

Don't forget who brought you in on this engagement.

Mm?

I will not.

[Special effects bell rings]

You smug shithead, Marty.

I brought you in on this engagement.

Good money.

Top f*cking dollar.

All you had to do was shut up and let me launch my E.R.P.

Buddy, it was going to ruin your company.

I'm sorry.

I put my heart and soul into that E.R.P.

Heart and soul, Jonathan?

Really?

Like you have those?

You.

Galweather is off this engagement as of right the f*ck now.

So you gonna go live with Apache?

Of course I am, you idiot.

The board has agreed to back me.

Jonathan, did you ever consider just this once that all the advice and the consultants and the simulations, that they might just be right?

No.

Well, that just happened.

Hey, maybe we'll meet up in some hostile takeover chat room.

All I know is I'm going to cabo for a week before I start job hunting.

Hey, Marty, what the f*ck was that?

Marty, look at me.

What the f*ck was that?

What just happened?

Mira, babies. Mira.

Hello.

Hey, James.

It's Marty Kaan.

[Laughs]

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Are you on the front nine or the back nine right now?

Yeah, of course.

Hey, you guys still b*ating coke in those blind taste tests?

You are.

Guess what?

Nobody cares.

[Laughs]

Yeah, thank you, I am still a prick.

Some things never change.

But you're gonna love me in about ten seconds.

Listen, I just walked out of a meeting at IBC, and they are about to go live with a deeply-flawed E.R.P.

And it's...

Yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Unstable would be a very nice way to put it.

Yes, against Galweather's advice.

So, listen, when you scoop this bitch up for about 50 cents, we would love to come in there and pimp the place out for you.

Yeah, we have some sick tech solutions and some pretty enlightening takeaways I think you're gonna want to hear about.

We will streamline the whole thing, top to bottom, tell you who to keep, who to Jettison.

Really?

From the start-up right on through.

Yes, that is going to make my partners hard.

sh*t, I already got half a boner thinking about it.

Absolutely, buddy.

I will talk to you soon.

Buh-bye.

Let me see, $3 million piece of business all before lunch.

That's not too bad, right?

Unbe-f*cking-lievable.

Isn't it?

You had this play the entire time?

You're welcome.

Hold on.

No, no, guys, wait up.

Hold on. Someone walk me through what just happened.

Hey, Doug.

Mm.

You know hooking up with a tr*nny still counts towards your hook-up point total, right?

I get points?

I get full points?

I can't believe I'm gonna do this, but, yes, I will give you full points.

What do you got?

All right, listen, before I tell you anything, you need to know that this is very personal.

Of course it is.

Of course it is.

I'm not kidding, Clyde.

You can't tell anybody.

I won't tell anybody.

You're like my brother.

You know that.

So strictly between you and me?

Yeah.

And Kiki.

Come on.

Yeah.

And Kiki.

[Laughter]

I mean...

It's not a big deal.

I was embarrassed.

I don't know.

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

What are you doing?

I have a very important announcement to make.

No, no, no, no, no.

My good friend and colleague Douglas Guggenheim...

Excuse me, my belt is stuck.

Harvard MBA...

[g*nf*re]

Hey, dad.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi.

These two the...

God help me.

[Chuckles] [Telephone rings]

Hello.

Sure, come on up.

Skip Galweather.

Dad, you told him to come up?

Yeah.

Everything okay?

I'll let you know.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey.

Hey.

What's up, skip?

You got a minute?

So, Marty, Greg Norbert has a hard-on for you that's epic.

Yeah.

If Metro reaches a consensus with the partners, he's gonna want to shove you out without a parachute, and it's gonna be a bumpy landing, what with your non-compete clause.

Yeah, well, you know, just give me some cover on that, right, skip?

Why the f*ck would I do that?

I don't know.

Because I've k*lled it for Galweather since I took the job?

It's a relationship business.

We're pollinators.

All right, we go from flower to flower.

We are very sweet.

We gorge on the royal jelly, and then we quietly buzz off.

We do not use our stingers.

We are all about relationships.

Other people do what you do without leaving a swathe of destruction behind them.

Yeah, your numbers are amazing.

But then I... I am the one left behind spending half my life making nice with all the people whose lives you've carved up and gutted.

I like my garden peaceful and quiet with big, beautiful, blooming buds.

[Buzzes like a bee]

Okay, skip, listen.

Maybe my style points leave something to be desired, yeah, granted.

I'll try to do better.

I'm sorry.

You realize how long I've known you and you've never once invited me over here?

Jesus Christ.

Are you f*cking serious?

Skip, I have personally put about $100 million in your pocket, let alone what I've done for your company.

This sh*t isn't personal.

All right?

It's not about us ever being friends here.

It is to me.

It's personal.

To me.

And that's kind of what matters now.

Isn't it?

[Tapping keys]

Hey, Clyde, what's up?

Yeah, it's Marty.

Hey, what are you doing right now?

Yeah?

Well, f*ck that.

We're going out, man.

I got, like, ten, homie.

Numbers?

Yessir.

I only got six...

Oh.

Teen.

Both: Oh!

I think if I could have pumped two more drinks in her, I could have closed.

No, listen to me, she was looking at me with those vag*na eyes.

"I need it."

You know what I needed?

Is the valet over here?

Stun g*n. Hold up.

Wait a minute.

Is the valet over here?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

What the hell's going on, man?

Sorry, sir.

Here you go.

Making me wait here.

Sorry, sir.

I want it right out front.

Right out front.

Right out front. Yes, sir.

That's okay.

No.

I'm not getting...

Get in this m*therf*cker, man.

What do you think you're doing?

[Hip-hop music plays]

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, slow down.

Slow down.

Slow down, Marty.

Marty, slow the f*ck down.

Marty, slow the f*ck down.

What the f*ck is wrong with you, Marty?

Slow the f*ck down.

Marty, slow down.

♪ 'Cause I'm Dawone, baby ♪
♪ yo, 'cause I'm Dawone ♪