01x04 - Mini-Mogul

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, I know, I know.

But let me just lay out the case.

The case... you have an engagement in San Francisco.

At the last minute, your father zooms off to speak to a bunch of swooning Jungian analysts is taos.

Oh, Jesus!

So you call your ever-dependable/psychotic ex-wife.

[Seagulls squawk]

Dependable, that is, in her psychosis.

So next thing you know, you're taking him to work with you.

And there it is.

Case solved.

sh*t!

Frisco's got the best food trucks.

I am so ready to try some street meat.

[Chuckles] Okay, let's rephrase that, all right?

Now, listen. You're gonna be meeting some people in there, and I want you to remember that home stuff is private.

I gotcha, dad.

I'm just happy to be skipping school.

Yeah, about school...

Great.

Grandpa told you?

Yeah, he told me.

You didn't.

What's going on in school?

Nothing.

Roscoe.

A couple of kids started this thing about me at lunch.

Who?

Nobody.

I got to call principal Gita.

No Gita, please.

I just want to go to Frisco and chill, okay?

Okay, then we'll chill.

But don't say "Frisco," all right?

Only losers say Frisco.

We're not losers. Am I right?

Right.

All right, give it up.

Switch.

So now that we're engaged, I think we should have a party.

My mom will love that sh*t.

Your mom will love anything with free-flowing booze.

My mom giving my dad a blow job before I've even had my eggs?

Yeah. Sorry.

But really, who cares what your mom loves?

We're not doing this for them.

Just family and friends.

Like, I can finally meet all these guys I share you with every week.

Ooh.

If you met them, you'd rethink.

And you're gonna miss your flight.

Oh, sh*t.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

Bye.

Think about it.

I will.

I... I... I am listening to you.

You're not.

It's impossible not to.

Listen... you're yelling...

Blanca is a ten-pointer.

Hello.

No. No, no, no.

Because a ten-pointer requires a ruling from a disinterested party.

You're an idiot.

That's all I'm saying.

Wait, Jeannie?

Completely uninterested.

Perfect.

And we have our judge.

Thank you so much, Jeannie.

Subject, Blanca Garcia, AKA one hot piece of TSA ass.

Now, as you know, Blanca's TSA status automatically makes my odds of success exponentially lower than some sort of airport bar pickup.

So why don't you go ahead and give me...

Three points. Yeah.

Three points.

Now, her initial response was "no," which I could not believe 'cause I got all this...

I can believe it.

And all this.

All right, get to the point, Clyde.

I dusted off my backup game... shush, shush.

Turned that no into a coy little, "I get off at 5:00."

Mm-hmm.

Now, as you know, reversing a "no" is worth...

Three points.

Would you get to the end?

Later on that night, came back to my place, I straight up rocked her world.

Once, twice...

Okay.

Paused... three times.

I don't believe you.

You don't believe it?

Absolutely not.

Okay, fine.

She sent me this video.

Holy sh*t, man!

Yeah.

Two points for the clothes, two for the video.

And the judge rules...

Ay, Dios mio.

Blanca's a ten.

Yeah.

Forward that to me.

I can forward it to you easy.

For those keeping score at home, I'm officially up 23 points.

All right, listen, do you want to know why your score is so high?

Because you try to hump anything with a Jinny, all right?

Douglas, you say Jinny?

Yes.

Regardless, the reason why I'm winning is because I don't get bogged down in the romance.

I like romance.

What I do is I tap that ass, shake it off, and move on.

You're a sex offender.

I tap and move, grasshopper.

Just tap it...

What are we tapping?

Team, this is Roscoe.

Roscoe, this is... this is the team.

Wow. Hey, you looking forward to Frisco, little man?

I heard you absolutely slayed it as Rizzo.

Oh, yeah.

I brought the house down.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

We're playing Jacks with another kid this week.

20-year-old CEO Alex Katsnelson of NinjaKatz Technologies.

Created the security software NKT.

Yeah, the best hacker since Meitzer.

A Harvard man too, so check it.

No one's gonna check it.

Now, the board wants to expand internationally without Alex.

But Alex wants us to prove that he's an asset. The asset.

Okay?

Got to skin this pig.

Afterwork. Afterwork.

Jiggity-jig.

Is this how you roll on the road?

Big pimpin', right?

Yeah. I could definitely get used to it, but...

What exactly do you guys do?

Ooh...

[Big band music plays]

That is the one question that we management consultants hate.

So we have become lords of the dance.

♪ ♪

See, companies hire us to solve the case, you know, fix whatever it is that's making them suck.

So we come in and we give 'em advice.

It's something we call wags.

Wild-ass guesses.

You good at it?

Oh, I'm very good at it.

Hey, you know what, buddy, you cannot come in here...

Uh, let me give you a couple bucks.

Get some stuff out of the machine.

You're hungry, right?

Yeah.

Not too much sugar.

Stay right there.

Go on ahead.

Don't say sh*t.

So... a chick, a Jew, a WASP, and a black guy walk into an office.

[Chuckles] You are a charmer.

I'm Marty Kaan.

We're the team from Galweather, and we are charging you a king's ransom, so we don't want to waste a lot of time playing games. Okay?

That's fine with me.

Here's the deal.

NKT was revolutionary.

This is truth.

You were positioned to take over the international market, and now the board wants to kick you off the f*ckin' train.

Ridiculous.

Mm-hmm.

You. The one who started this whole thing from your dorm room while spankin' the monkey before your 8:00.

Oh, God, he's taking me back.

Me too.

Marty, let's get something straight.

I don't want to have some sort of corporate capitalist d*ck fight with the board, 'cause that's not me.

Clearly.

No.

But I want you to make them see that I am ninja.

You, you're ninja. Yeah.

It's him.

Because those corporate assholes, they'll listen to corporate ass kissers.

That's for sure.

Well, sir, you're in luck, because we are those ass kissers.

Hell, Mr. Katsnelson, if you want us to lick ass, we will...

I mean, we're kind of cut from the same cloth.

All right, look, here's what we're gonna do.

Why don't you guys... why don't you guys work off-site.

Let's keep suspicions down.

But if you guys really want to know what ninja's all about, I think, uh, somebody should probably roll with me.

I'm thinking blondie...

Guess I'm rolling with you.

You? Okay. That works.

Right. Well, who's gonna look after the kid?

Both: Not it.

Not it as well. sh*t.

Hey, so, Roscoe, you playing a little arcade game there on the... on your thing?

Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Yeah. Okay.

But do you want me to...

Come with?

Dude, I'm ten.

Right. Of course.

Okay, well, hey, pound it out.

Don't leave me... hanging.

You left me hanging.

f*ck, even your kid game is weak.

It is not.

It is.

Not.

Yeah, I designed this whole thing myself.

I was going with sexy tech.

Girls love the sexy tech.

Trust me on that one.

So down here is basically just, like, special-Ops team.

It's, like, 100 Alexes walking around making me mon-ay!

Cha-motherfuckin'-ching, baby!

[p*stol cocks, g*nsh*t]

It's just dumb!

Come on. Let's go in here.

♪ Gonna spend my mon-ay on some little toys ♪

Oh, there she is.

Hello there.

Hey, baby.

I brought some very nice pieces from our store collection.

Yeah, I see that.

And perhaps you're interested in purchasing a piece of jewelry, mister...

Uh, Marty Kaan.

How 'bout I make you two drinks while you guys take a look?

You know what, that sounds great.

You know where the bar is, babe.

I do.

Thank you so much.

So you don't have any allies on the NinjaKatz board.

Ah, no. They all stopped talking to me after the Matrix deal.

Bunch of crybabies, right?

Can you believe that?

Two years ago, a girl like that wouldn't even talk to me.

Look at me now, right?

Yeah, she's all over you.

It's probably because I got the black in the pants.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The black card.

Oh.

Yeah, that sh*t's a p*ssy magnet, I'm telling you.

And I'm, like, this close to just... mm!

Hittin' that.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Word!

I'm thinking hardwood floors.

Nah, that's a manicured lawn going on down there.

No, no, come on.

So out of touch.

Do me a favor.

Look at her arms.

No hair. Do you see hair?

No.

She's Armenian.

Those f*ckers are hairy.

Huh.

So what that tells me is no hair on the arms means laser hair removal.

You know, man, [Indistinct] vag*na!

Good deduction.

Yeah.

So...

See anything you like?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

Really.

Thank you so much.

Wow, it appears Matrix was a monster deal.

A $6 billion monster deal that Alex k*lled with a w*apon called micromanagement.

So then Matrix hooked up with ninja's biggest competitor.

Daddy, wait a second.

Are you wearing a new bracelet?

Yes.

Yes, you are.

Yes. Yes, I are.

It's tasteful.

Not too "look at me!"

All right, I'll play.

Why?

Oh, it's just because I'm minding my own damn business, Doug. You?

Yeah. Same.

Don't poke the bear when he's hungry.

He was a nightmare on Jenny Craig.

[Laughs] God!

Really?

Really?

Was it water weight or regular weight?

Listen, we need to start chunking out the journeyline here.

Okay, Alex is obviously a bottleneck.

And if he keeps running NinjaKatz, he's gonna ruin international expansion.

So he gots to go.

But here's the interesting part.

We gots to stay.

Oh, my God, so you want us to talk him into leaving his own company...

And then get him to ask the board to give us the afterwork.

Mm, sometimes you are the perfect man.

Thank you.

[Cell phone chimes]

Alex wants to hang tonight, dawg.

Now, is that d-o-g or...

No.

It's gonna be d-a-w-g.

Hey, um...

I know I said that we were gonna go check out some food trucks tonight, but I mean, I got to...

It's cool, dad.

I'll just kick it with the crew.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ Unh, unh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ unh, unh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ yeah ♪ [Tires screeching]

♪ ♪

[Grunts]

I like you, Marty.

What I'm about to show you is under the radar, okay?

Welcome to hackers heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Home sweet home.

These are my hacking peeps.

The keepers of the information conversation.

Ya know?

Yeah.

Hacktivism, baby!

f*ck yeah.

Oh, here we go.

Daddy's home.

What's up?

What up, Jeff?

He's just... he's playing.

Probably just not comfortable 'cause you know, you're an outsider.

Oh, yeah, that's what that was.

Just play it cool.

Play it cool.

Marty, so what we personally believe in is the freeing of information from the corporate overlords, 'cause that's not right, you know.

And me and DJ right here, we wrote a manifesto and sh*t.

Then this assh*le decided to code some software that locks up information for the corporate overlords.

Ooh. Come on.

[Chuckles]

Why are you clownin' me, dawg?

Always clownin' on me.

[Mellow guitar music]

Aw, she's perfect, Doug.

A seven.

You see, you never go for a ten, but I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know right now... you ready?

Mm-hmm.

Here it comes.

Be Clooney.

Clooney?

Yeah. Look at this.

Clooney, man.

Laugh at yourself.

[Laughs] Stand by your ideals.

Be one suave m*therf*cker, and I guarantee you will get women shimmying out of their skinny jeans so fast it'll be f*cking insane.

So be suave, ideals...

That's a good one.

You don't even have to write it down because this is all you need to know.

Whenever you have any question of what you should be doing, just ask yourself this... what would Clooney do?

Right. Right.

Okay, okay.

And what would Clooney do?

He would tap that f*ckin' ass!

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

He would f*ckin' tap that ass!

What would Clooney do?

He's goin' tappin' ass.

Jesus Christ!

I got it.

[Sultry rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hi.

[Laughs]

[Clears throat]

So...

So...

Darfur sucked, huh?

Yeah.

[Buzzer blares]

Push, push, push.

Keep going. Keep going.

Okay, head down, eyes up, a slight cock to the head.

And... hey.

Hi.

Hi...

Lucy.

Hey.

[Bell dinging]

Um... could you go back to your seat?

There's people trying to order.

[Buzzer blares]

[Sultry rock music]

♪ ♪

What the f*ck was that?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

That was Clooney.

Which Clooney is that?

'Cause I've never seen that in my entire life.

The facts of life Clooney.

The relatable everyman.

TV's Clooney is not the real Clooney, unless you're talking E.R.

Then barely.

Maybe one season of Clooney.

Why am I only just hearing about that?

Because who remembers George Clooney from facts...

Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys!

[Funky techno music]

So you're not a big Alex fan, I take it.

Uh, he can suck my fat brown d*ck.

Not a fan.

Yeah, we made big plans, then he sells out for blood money.

Now he's trying to make up for it with some backdoor sh*t in his code, and he's talking to corporate Jacks like you.

So not a fan at all.

There's a backdoor in the software.

[Computer chimes]

♪ Wildfire sunsets this lurid ♪
♪ Stealth jets sh**ting surfing cowgirls ♪
♪ It must be the final reel ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And though I've found ♪
♪ All the sun pouring down ♪
♪ Don't shed any light ♪
♪ On what I am here to do ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ I fall into the ocean ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I fall into the ocean ♪
♪ For you ♪

Slow down.

Shut up.

[Television drones]

You're right. I mean, this is some quality street meat.

[Stifled coughs]

[Television shuts off]

So my dad says you guys are good at solving cases.

Did... did he say I was good at it, specifically?

Like, "Doug is the best"?

No?

Just a question.

What if there is this kid, and some big fat kid with a thyroid problem who picked on him at lunch, and the kid's grandpa said just to ignore it, but the kid just wanted to f*ck the little thyroid bitch up?

Huh. You know, I actually had a case like this a few years back.

There was this kid who, I mean, he was handsome.

Not in the classic sense, but handsome.

And smart.

Ooh, was he smart.

Genius level, really.

Destined for Harvard.

I get it.

Right.

And...

There was this other kid...

Who... tortured him.

He really just...

Tortured him.

And the kid's mom was, like, you know, "stop all the crying, Doug."

You know?

But then this kid realized that the other kids...

[Inhales sharply]

Were just jealous.

That's all.

Jealous of his awesome... awesomeness.

And you know, he went on to be super awesome.

And today that kid is Justin Bieber.

True story.

Dude, you already said it was you.

Eh, I know.

I kind of just thought the Bieber thing would add the necessary pop at the end.

Hmm.

[Bluesy rock music playing]

Why are you getting dressed?

Because we're done.

What?

No, we're not.

Dance for me, Roxie.

Excuse me?

It's Roxie, right?

Robin.

And I don't like being told what to do.

I think you do.

You do?

I think you'll do whatever I ask.

Just because we f*cked?

Actually, you f*cked me.

You controlled that whole situation.

I mean, you wish I'd f*cked you.

I think you wish someone would take you and f*ck your brains out.

'Cause whoever's doing it now isn't doing it right.

That's what I think.

Come on.

[Turns music up]

♪ ♪

You'll never see me again.

Like this?

♪ ♪

Yeah, like that.

♪ ♪

So what's your real name?

Jeannie.

And I smoked better weed than this with my seventh grade teacher.

f*ck me!

And he got down on one knee and... proposed.

And it was...

It was... it was lacking in originality?

Well, his family owns 11 Picassos, so he could literally buy originality.

Maybe he should buy some fidelity first.

I don't cheat on him.

You do see the irony of that statement in this moment, right?

Well, you...

This, tonight...

And your penis and your mediocre weed, they don't have anything to do with my real life.

No.

Of course not.

What?

What?

f*ck you.

What?

I'm just...

Maybe tonight, and...

My penis and my shitty weed, and maybe even wes...

Maybe it is about you and...

All those daddy issues that are like a monkey on your f*ckin' back.

[Telephone line ringing]

Monica's not available.

[Message machine beeps] Whoa.

I can't believe... I can't believe I got your voicemail.

You're unavailable?

Yeah, you are un-f*ckin'-available darlin'!

Monica's not avail...

[Beep]

Remember you said you were gonna "be there for him"?

Oh, that's awesome.

How you were gonna be there to get him up and running.

And understanding that sh*t that life is... what was that sh*t that you said?

Monica's not available.

[Beep]

You know what... you know what he understands now?

He understands that life is unsteady, and it's full of regret and f*cking recrimination.

That's a good word for you.

You...

[Belches]

You have let... you've let our son down 'cause you are not there.

There is no there there...

Where there should be a mother, or a f*ckin'... if you are satisfied with your message, press one.

To listen to your message... no, I'm not happy with my f*ckin' message.

[g*nf*re, shouting on television]

So, uh, what's my best position?

Well, we've looked over all your documents, and first, let me say we are completely on your side.

Yeah.

There is just one issue.

The fraud issue.

What fraud issue?

Two words... back door.

You tried to save your rep by creating a back door on NKT.

And that's fraud.

And that'll get you pokied in the pokey.

Okay, um...

So I mean, that's not a problem, right?

I mean, you just... just get rid of it.

Clean it up, right?

[Chuckles]

I'm... I'm sorry, is there a joke I missed?

You are a bona fide, motherfuckin' sellout!

Just like us.

Ask your boy DJ.

First of all, Marty, I'm nothing like you.

And second of all, you don't know sh*t about me.

Really? Well, let's play the game called name that f*cking sellout!

I don't think that's an appropriate...

Jeannie, it's a fun game.

Who's obsessed with money, power... their black card, and their desire to score quality p*ssy?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Alex!

That's right, you.

You are the batteries in the great big dildo that's f*cking this country in the ass.

Now, we can help you.

We bury bodies every day.

Is that who you want to be?

What do I do?

What?

[Louder] What do I do?

Tell the board you're stepping down.

Pull a bill gates.

You won't lose your ownership.

You'll just let them handle the corporate sh*t.

And just lay low and get back to working that Katsnelson magic writing code for NKT 2.0.

This time with no back door.

We'll offer free upgrades to all of your clients.

We will clean up this entire thing and let you get back to being who you really are.

All right, well, what about the international expansion?

The what?

Oh...

Yeah, that does ring a bell.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

They're gonna... the board's gonna f*ck this up!

Of course they're gonna f*ck it up.

No, you're gonna get f*cked.

Yeah.

It's gonna be worst than that.

Wait.

And this is just an idea.

Brainstorm.

Throw it out. Yeah.

Bring it. Bring it.

You've got a solution.

What if you guys stayed on as my consultants?

You know, be my eyes and ears.

Just name the price.

I mean...

Yeah, I don't know...

I mean...

Not that we don't want to.

I'm looking at the numbers...

Those things.

A lot of blue on this page, and...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Marty, you got to be kidding.

No, let me... we got Utah, and then we got...

You know what?

I think we can do it.

Marty, are you nuts?

I think we can do it.

I've never seen him do that before.

Yes.

You got a team, Alex.

[All talking excitedly]

You hear that?

[Slurping] Sucking sounds?

He has latched himself on to Galweather's massive tits, and he thinks it's his idea.

This is what we call a good day.

Suck, m*therf*cker, suck!

You can trust us, Alex.

So you guys on Facebook?

No. MySpace.

What's MySpace?

Did you delete your friendster account?

No, I kept it open for my band.

He's a good kid.

Yeah, he's pretty all right.

A word of advice.

Figure out a way to talk to him now before he starts talking about you on some therapist's couch.

Do I smell daddy issues?

Now, that would be cliche.

Yes.

I have a...

What's up?

Just a rock in my show.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

Talk with him about it.

I will. Okay.

Okay, see ya.

All right. Bye.

So granddad's gonna have to stay another night down there.

Hey, uh, let's talk about what's going on at school.

I mean, I know you don't want me to call principal Gita.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Okay.

No, we got to talk about it, Roscoe.

Those kids are just jealous of my awesome.

That's what Doug thinks.

Oh, you talked to Doug.

Yeah.

Listen, buddy, um...

I know we don't get a lot of time together, and this week was supposed to be different.

[Nervous chuckle]

Sometimes I...

I get into...

Dad?

I don't know.

Dad...

Best week ever.

Okay.

[Door opens, shuts]

Hey, you.

I thought I'd wait and surprise you.

So... surprise.

I'm a lucky guy.

I think we should have the engagement party.

Just not work people, because it's gonna be hard enough wrangling your mother.

All right.

Well, let's go home, baby.

Good. I'm tired.

All right.

Me too.

♪ Every day I walk through the shadows ♪
♪ I never seem to make it home ♪
♪ even when I look in the mirror ♪