01x01 - Norway

[bunniefuu]

Earth.

A cradle
for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible,
overwhelming,

this planet mocks our
feeble power to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate
the astounding grandeur

of this planet,
sometimes you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile,
base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk show host,

he has been driven
by a changing ecosystem

to a drier
and harsher climate...

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment
of his studio audience,

this clown
with dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes
of a crudely painted doll,

is forced to feed
on that meagerest of morsels,

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent
of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges
in distant lands uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless hunger
for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

This is
"Conan O'Brien Must Go."

Norway.

Hey, Conan.

My name is Jarle,
and I'm from Bergen, Norway.

Let me say this correctly.

And first of all,
nice to meet you, Jarle?

Yeah, yeah,
that's pretty good, yeah.

Tell us a little bit
about yourself.

You seem like
a nice, cool chap.

I make Norwegian pop,
like funk music with my cousin.

- Wait, do you have a group?
- Yeah.

We have a group called E.D.A.

Can you rap
in Norwegian for me?

- Okay, check it.
- Check it.

[rapping in Norwegian]

Wow! I like that.

You should try.

[singing in gibberish
Norwegian]

Yes!

I wanna be a hit
on the Norwegian pop charts.

Is that a possibility?

That is
an above 0% possibility.

[laughs]

I cannot say
that it's over 1%,

but it's, like,
definitely like...

Well, come on.

In the mid-zeros.

- Listen... okay.
- Mid zeros!

- [laughs]
- You.

Jarle, it was really nice
talking to you.

Let me know if you guys
are over here.

[lively folk music]

♪ ♪

[speaking Norwegian]

[in deep voice]
A package for Jarle.

What?

A package for Jarle.

Yeah, coming.

Did that sound like me?

Hey, y'all, come on out here.

- Holy sh*t.
- Ha, ha! Look.

Oh, my God.

Conan.

Yeah, I came to see you.

You came all this way
just for me?

Yes!

- Oh, my God.
- Just for you.

- I...
- You're trembling.

Wow, this is crazy.

I'm in my g*dd*mn Crocs
out here.

That's you in your Crocs.
That's okay.

That's okay.

It's so nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

- Yeah.
- 100%. Wow.

So you didn't know
I was coming?

No, not at all.

Yes!

Fantastic.

Wow.
Show me the apartment first.

Do you mind if I just
check out what you got in here?

Go for it.

So you have one Corona,

and you don't even
keep it in the fridge.

I don't like that beer.

I don't know
where it came from.

You don't have a lot of food.

Look at this. Look at that.

He has one spoon.
- [laughs]

What's your deal?

You... look,
you have left this open.

And it got stale,
and it's a solid block.

It's not supposed
to be like that.

Look at that!

That's crazy.

How old is this bread?

One week.

One week,
and you've left it open.

[laughs]
[bread clatters]

That's your bread.

This is your bread.

You know what's so great
about this bread?

You can use it
to break up the cereal.

I use it for something else.
[bread thuds]

Look at this!
Look at this.

These are your
g*dd*mn potatoes.

Did you know
these were sprouting?

I haven't opened that drawer
in, like, a month.

Seriously,
this is a huge problem.

You can't live like this.
- No.

How long have you
had this bed spread?

Probably since
I was a little kid.

Since you were,
like, a little boy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Where would I stay
if I stayed here?

And you're on there.

Jarle, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

This absolutely blows.

I see that now.

Jarle, I noticed
that there is a receipt

behind you that's been framed.

What's that receipt for?

So this was just a joke
I had with a buddy of mine

after I was at a store,
the total value.

Oh, 69.69.

So it's a 69 joke.

And you f*cking framed it.

Jarle, you have a band.
What's it called?

- E.D.A.
- What's that?

- E.D.A.
- One more time.

It's E.D.A.

You got it.

Yeah.

How's that band going?

Oh, that's going great.

We're having a concert
tomorrow.

Jarle, what time
is your show tomorrow?

Show tomorrow is at,
like, 23:30, whatever.

From now on,
as long as we're friends,

when you discuss time with me,

we use
the American system, okay?

I guess above,
like, 12 numbers

is too high, like too...

Don't f*ck around
with me, Jarle, okay?

I'll wipe the floor with you,

which actually might be
a good idea...

[laughs]

Because I think
you'd pick up

a lot of lint
as I drag you around.

I'm definitely gonna check out
your show.

I would love for that too.

And I also wanna help
your career.

If I give you advice and get
you help, will you accept it?

- 100%.
- Okay.

After leaving
Jarle's apartment,

I had to deal
with a pressing issue...

my missing luggage.

My luggage is gone...
yeah, completely gone.

It's gone. They don't care.

What happened is, uh,

flew from LA to London,

London to Oslo,

Oslo to Bergen.

Somewhere along the way, gone.

Anyway, not to worry.

The hotel said
they sell clothing

right across the street,
so I came over here.

And check it out.

[accordion music]

♪ ♪

Problem solved.

Hi, hi.

What is your name?
- Dagfinn.

- Dagfinn.
- Yep.

Kids teased me when I was a
kid because my name was Conan.

And your name is "Dogfinn."
- Yeah, yeah.

And nothing...
no one teased you, right?

- No, nothing like that.
- Yeah.

How's your friend Fishface?

Is he okay?
- [laughs]

Quick question...
I just picked this up.

Is this how people dress
in Norway?

No. No, no.

One "no" is fine.

Why'd you do three no's?

Because it's more,
eh, ridiculous.

- This is ridiculous?
- Yeah, yeah.

They sold me this.

They said that people
wear this in Norway.

That's not true.

- Nobody wears this?
- No.

You're saying I look foolish
right now?

Yes.

Dogfinn, if I can
call you "Dogfinn,"

you don't sugarcoat it, do you?

You tell it just as it is.
- Yes.

- So I look like a fool?
- Yes, today.

Do you think the women
would like this outfit?

No.

Not today.

Do you think a guy
might like this outfit?

No, no.

No one would
like this outfit?

Yes, that's correct.

So far all you've done
is sh**t me down.

Yes.

You haven't said
one nice thing to me

since I spoke to you.

No.

So you're just being
very honest with me

that I look... I look stupid.

Yes, today.

- I look like a fool.
- Yes, today.

- Like an idiot.
- Yeah, today.

Do you think
I should have waited

for my luggage to come back
from the airport

rather than buy this?

Yes, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So everything
I've done is wrong?

Yes.

All right, Dogfin,
I'm gonna go that way.

- Okay.
- You go that way.

No.

I go also that way.
- Wow.

God dang.

Dogfin!
- Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow!

After my run-in with Dogfin...

oh, man, look at this
incredible drone sh*t.

Yeah, we're flying
over Bergen Harbor.

You gotta use drone cameras
on these travel shows.

Look at the detail.

You can see this hotel.

It's beautiful.

God, I love this drone.

I'm gonna make it
my personal mission

to use it as much as possible.

Even if it feels
a little forced!

[regal folk music]

After finishing my wine

and a big plate
of Norwegian cod,

I decided to head out
and discover the wild side

of Bergen's nightlife.

Hi, hi.
all: Hi, hi!

Hi, hi.

This is something that I found
in Norway that's a tradition.

People get together,
they have a little drink,

and they knit at the same time.

Well, tell me... so you
do this twice a month.

How did this get started?

Instagram.

Ah.

Well, what a great old
ancient Norwegian tradition.

[laughter]

I don't know how to knit.
What do I do?

How do I start?

You need to cast on first.

- Cast on, okay.
- Cast off.

- Ooh, look at that.
- Yeah.

So you just keep doing that.

Can you hand me my glass?

Can you... I'll do it
if you just keep...

mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh,
you're doing very good.

[laughter]

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Look, I knitted, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Very good.

How come you don't
seem so happy for me?

It's a simple thing.

It's not a simple thing.

This is the greatest
achievement of my life.

I'm curious, what were you
talking about before I came?

What is this...

What you're knitting,
what kind of fibers.

Oh, what are you knitting,
what kind of fibers.

You know,
it's funny you say that.

I have been... I touched
women's sweaters before.

[laughter]

You need to ask.

And they were wearing them,
and they got very upset.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Easy there.

Torsten is taken.

Yes, but I can
feel his fibers.

Oh, wow.

[laughter]

Ladies.

Ladies, please.

[laughter]

Look at that.
Look how far I've gotten.

Look at that. Yeah.

It could be, like,
a French bikini bottom maybe.

This is the thong.

This is the thong
that goes up the back.

- A few more?
- Yeah.

Trust me, you don't have to.

[laughter]

It's very cold out there.

Would you assist me here?

You hold on to that,

and I'll go around
this way here.

And look at that.

That's fantastic.

This is a great new creation.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

So I took my new wool lingerie
and strutted outside

to see one of the world's
greatest wonders.

God, the northern lights.

One of the highlights
of coming to Norway.

It looks so gorgeous
to be here,

to actually see it.

It's just stunning. Wow.

Yeah, the northern lights
don't come out

for another three hours.

I'm not gonna stick around
for that sh*t.

When you think of Norway,
you often think of Vikings.

Well, I'm in Gudvangen.

It is a recreation

of a Viking village,
and the good people here

dress as Vikings,
live as Vikings.

Sir, what is your name?
- Carl.

Carl.

And you are dressed
as an authentic Viking.

Is that true?

As far as we can
ascertain, yeah.

That's... that's a real
w*apon right there.

You're not fooling around.

This is a society
where the only response

you have to an insult
is v*olence, so...

So any time someone says,

"Hey, maybe you could trim
that beard,

it's getting a little long,"
you can just say,

"It's Viking time,"
and k*ll everybody.

You can.

If the Viking thing
ever dries up,

you could be a wizard.

Yep. I'll keep that in mind.

I don't think you will.
[rooster crows]

What the hell was that?

You have Icelandic chickens.

[rooster crows]

Thankfully he is only up
when the sun is up,

so he'll go to bed pretty soon.

[rooster crows]

Rooster's insane.

I think he's lost his mind

'cause he's living in this
Viking village.

That is entirely possible.

Yeah.

[rooster crows]

k*ll that thing.

I can't take it anymore.

Well, that shut him
the f*ck up.

[rooster crows]
Bah!

Look at this.
This is incredible.

Thank you for inviting me
to your authentic Viking world.

And what would this be?

This is gonna be the needle
for this cloakpin.

For what?
Oh, this is jewelry I'm making?

Yeah. So it's a...

And I thought
I was making a w*apon.

[laughter]

Can I say something?

You're a very happy,
jolly fellow.

I bought my freedom when
he captured me as a sl*ve,

so yeah, I should be jolly now.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

How would I do as a Viking?

I am a redhead, so I probably
have Viking DNA in me.

- Conan the Red.
- Conan the Red.

[soft woodwind melody]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

[choir chanting in Norwegian]

♪ ♪

[in deep voice]
I am Conan the Red,

son of Thomas,

the microbiologist,

and Ruth, the estate attorney.

I was forged in iron.

I've come here
to pillage and m*rder!

I must now meet my tribe,
and then they will know fear!

♪ ♪

I am Conan the Red.

Who is your chief?

I am.

[speaking normally] I have
to say, I'm not feeling it.

[laughter]

I wanna learn the ways
of a Viking.

Can you sorta show me
the ropes?

♪ ♪

Are my pants falling?

I think my pants
are falling down.

♪ ♪

Yes! Right?
- Yep.

Why would Vikings do this?

Well, mostly for fun.

- For fun?
- Yeah.

This isn't, like,
a battle skill?

Not for the Vikings.

So this was a big waste
of time what I just did.

- Dah...
- Let's go.

♪ ♪

What are we cooking here?

Well, we just
melted some ice.

Oh, the old ice stew.

- Yeah, the ice stew.
- Oh, wow.

What do you eat here
in the village?

Um, onions, turnips,
with meat as well

from boar hunting,
deer hunting.

Oh, man, this place blows.

Guys, these people are crazy.

They're nuts.

Hey, do you want out of here?

I can get us a van.

I can get you down
to Oslo in two hours.

No, I can.

The van's not over there.

You don't have to
live like this.

Now, Carl,
you said that insults

were usually how fights began.
- Yes.

So why don't you start
by insulting me?

Come on. Really go for it.

You overgrown ginger lump.

You son of a bitch!

♪ ♪

Okay.

Again.

[laughs]

[laughter]

I find your
sense of humor juvenile

and an insult
to the concept of humor.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

Come on.
Try it again, Carl.

[laughter]

You having a stroke, Carl?

[laughs]

You hamburger-eating,
diabetic, uh,

joke of a lost British colony.

[laughter]

Wow.

I'd be insulted,
but it's all true.

I don't think you were
cut out to be a Viking.

I just don't.

Now, you showed me your world.

Let me show you mine.

♪ ♪

- Skal.
- Skal.

♪ ♪

Back in civilization,
I decided the best way

to help my new friend Jarle

was to join him
in the recording studio.

Jarle has teamed up
with his partner Christian,

and you two are a writing team.

Is that right?
- That's true.

And you perform together.

And these guys
are the engineers.

Is that right?
- Yes.

- What is your name?
- Morten.

Okay, I'm not gonna
remember that.

And what's your name?
- Isaac.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna
call you Chip and Chop.

Don't take it personally,
but this country

has got a f*cked-up language.

I don't know
what's going on, okay?

If I wanted to be
in a Tolkien novel,

I'd go live in a Tolkien novel.

All right, "Shteeb," "Shteib,"
let's hear the first song.

This is called
"Welcome to the Clubbin'."

[electronic melody playing]

Ah, ah.

[rapping in Norwegian]

Stop right there.

I know a lot about rap,
and I've produced

some of the greatest acts
in the world.

To me, that sounded like rap.

Now, when he's rapping,
what are you doing?

- Just listening.
- Yeah.

Okay.

We have a little bit
of a Simon and Garfunkel

thing happening here.

And no offense,
I just wanna hear

what you're contributing
to this...

Yeah.

Because I've gotta look
at the bottom line.

[rapping in Norwegian]

Okay, I owe you an apology.

That was fantastic.
That was great.

Yeah, I'm now thinking
you have to go.

You're less ironic.

You know,
you're doing a lot of like...

[gibberish Norwegian rapping]

You know?

And this guy is like... you're
laying it down, no apologies.

There's usually
in some of these songs...

correct me if I'm wrong...
like, a vocal part

that I could maybe add.
- Yeah.

But it's something
that tells you we're in Norway,

'cause I think that would help,
you know?

♪ Like I'm looking
at the fjord ♪

You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Like he's in the club,
but he's looking at the fjord.

That tells you we're in Norway,

possibly Seattle,
some Nordic country.

But you know what I mean?

Do you think that would
lay in on the bridge?

Yeah, it definitely would.

[funky music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My baby says she's bored ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's not in love with me ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Oh, yeah.

Let's go!

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Excellent.

I think what we do is,
we lay that in.

I think this is
a bona fide hit.

I wanna get this track
played on the radio today,

and I will use
all of my connections

in Norway, which is
basically you and you.

Yeah.

You... you have, like,
no shoulder at all.

This is like... it's like
I'm holding on to a butterfly.

I should lift more.

No, no, you shouldn't
lift anything at all.

Your arms would fall off
and shatter on the floor

like little pieces of China.

Guys, there's one thing
we haven't brought up,

which is, what's the
financial arrangement here?

Hmm.

You understand that
I'm bringing a lot

to the table now.
- Absolutely.

Yeah.

So you would both
have to take a decrease

in order to make room for me.

You're gonna hear from
William Morris Endeavor.

That's WME.
- Okay.

As soon as we find
a working telephone here,

they're going to call you,
and, um,

they're going to explain to you
what I'm getting, okay?

Don't f*ck with these people.
- Okay.

Okay?

I swear to God, don't f*ck
with these people, all right?

Just give them what they want.

It's gonna be Rick Rosen
and Gavin Polone.

And when they're done with you,
you'll be two skeletons.

They're criminals.

They once both held
Suge Knight out a window.

Yeah, and he sh*t his pants.
- At the same time?

What's that?
They each had a leg.

While Jarle and Christian went
to an ATM to get my money,

I decided to explore
Norway's casual

and shame-free approach
to sex.

They call it
"sex before coffee."

And as an intellectually
curious pervert,

I decided to investigate.

I'm sitting here
with Catrin Sagen.

And you are a psychologist
and a couples therapist...

Yeah.

And a bit of an expert
on sex.

- Yeah, I am.
- Okay.

Teach me
how to flirt in Norway.

You cannot go
into a woman and pay

for the restaurant bill.
- Really?

Yes.

That might... she might feel
that you are for inequality.

So she... she will not like that.
- Right.

But if you don't try
to pay it,

she will find you cheap and...

- See, there's no winning.
- I know.

It's a game.

Okay, let's try right now.

A meal has just been put.

We're here and we've just...
we're eating the meal.

What are you eating, pasta?
What are you doing?

- Yes. This is...
- No one eats like this.

I don't know what you're doing.

Now we've had our dessert.

I'm having a parfait.
- Yes.

Long spoon.

Maybe just a little bit
more masculine for my kind

of taste, not that...

No, I... I...

it's a tall and it's like...
it's a swirling...

it's got a lot of little
creams and syrups in it,

it's a long spoon.

But you do want
to have sex with me, right?

What's that?

So don't do that
with the tongue.

- So I've just paid for dinner.
- Yeah.

I'll take this.

Take care of this.
There you go.

There's my card. All right.

And what's this?

Oh, it was rejected.

Oh. I can pay.

- No, no, that's fine. Here.
- Okay.

- Try... try this.
- It's a gold platinum card.

Try this card, yeah.

That should... what?

Also? Here, try this.

It's an old Diners Club card.

- Oh.
- Now... what?

Oh, come on.

The saying "sex before coffee,"

does that mean that Norwegians
like to maybe have sex first

and then get to know
each other?

Yes.

- That's fascinating to me.
- Yeah.

You have sex first,
and then you talk.

Yeah.
Or never talk.

If you don't like the sex
or like the person.

Pretend that
we just did have sex...

- Yeah.
- And you did not enjoy it.

Would you say anything
negative about my body?

No.

What if things were just
kind of weird down there?

[laughs]
I wouldn't tell you anything.

- You wouldn't say anything?
- No.

What if it's
just sort of takes

a sharp turn to the left?

That might be interesting.
I don't know.

No, it's not in a...
not in a good way.

It's not in a good way?

It is like...
it's like it's on a hinge.

- Okay.
- It's just... it's...

it's like an old rusty gate
that's stuck open.

I don't know that I could
hook up in the morning and...

and not talk with someone,
and then go have coffee.

That's one of the things
I've been told is,

I talk a lot during sex.

- Oh.
- But I don't say sexy things.

- No.
- I just talk a lot about...

- Different things.
- Well, just like...

The weather.

Well, Woodrow Wilson
comes up a lot.

And I'll say, you know,
it's interesting 'cause he...

in his first term, he ran on,
I'll keep us out of the w*r,

and then he got us
into the w*r.

And I usually talk about that
when I'm climaxing.

- Hmm. That's different.
- Yeah.

And he had a stroke in office,

and his wife made many
of the decisions.

And so some say she was
the first female president

because she was
making the decisions

and telling the cabinet.
- Yeah.

And then I come. Ah!

- Eh.
- You don't like that?

No, it doesn't feel like
you're having sex with me.

Oh, I didn't even know
you were there.

- Oh, yeah.
- No, I do this by myself.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I'm often...
- When you're alone.

I often go to a bus station
and use the men's room,

and I just take care
of business myself

with old Lefty.

And I talk about Wilson.

I lost my virginity
rather late.

It was the middle
of Obama's first term.

Yeah, you might save that
for a later...

Was right around the time
they got Bin Laden.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, in fact, I think...

I'm pretty sure
it was that night.

Oh.

When they got Bin Laden,
and I...

- Never ever tell anyone.
- I was in a bar.

And I told a woman
that I was part of the team,

and I got laid.
- Okay.

Which wasn't really true
and also not believable.

I got him tonight,
and I flew right back,

and suddenly I'm in a bar
in Los Angeles?

Yeah, that's strange.

I'm way too old to be
in the m*llitary.

Yeah.

- She was not smart.
- No.

What if a guy was my age
and, including his wife,

he had been with three,

but one of them
was more of a procedure?

Like in the health care?

It was a health care
situation.

Okay.

And I had...

was trying to pass a stone.

And I went to this clinic,
and they said, well,

the nurse will first assess.

So this nurse was working
on my junk down there,

and then I was
like suddenly, ah!

You know, I think...

I don't know how Wilson
came up, but he did.

And I was like, ah.
- Of course.

And then... now...

oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- We are having coffee.
- Yeah.

So that means I've been
with four people in my life.

[laughs]

- Okay.
- Yeah. All right.

Next I was off to Lofoten
to visit another fan.

That's right.
I have two fans in Norway.

Kai, tell me a little bit
about yourself.

Who are you?

I am just a run of the old
mill fish farmer from Norway.

Do you like going out
on the sea

and working with these fish?

It's amazing.
We're... we're just two...

like, we're colleagues,
but basically

we're really good friends
going out on the boat,

doing our thing.

Well, you mentioned
that you go out

in the sea with someone else.
Who is this?

His name is like...
in Norwegian, his name

is pronounced "Gard Seeman."

His name is "Guard Semen"?

[laughing] Yeah, that's...

yeah, it's Gard Simen.

Do you ever get
irritated with him?

Oh! Every day, every day.

What does Gard Simen do
that gets on your nerves?

What doesn't he do
that gets on my nerves?

- God!
- He just exists.

[laughter]

[lively folk music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

How are you?
- Welcome to Norway.

- That's so cool. How are you?
- I'm good.

It's so nice
to meet you in person.

- Really exciting to see you.
- Yeah.

This is so cool.
- Yeah.

- It's great. I made it.
- Huge.

- This is a big deal.
- Yeah.

It's... it's really cool.

I just... I'm really bad
at showing emotions.

Kai, we have zero chemistry.

What are we gonna do?

You've got this cool color
to your face

from being out
on the sea every day.

- Yeah.
- Can I get that, you think?

Mm...

maybe.
[chuckles]

We'll try not to have,
like, the white mountains

in the background
because then you probably

only be able to see your hair.

You're an assh*le.
He's a total assh*le.

- [laughs]
- Okay.

We're gonna get
on the boat, right?

Yeah.

[energetic orchestral music]

Didn't think I'd have
my own gear, did you?

[imitating sailor]
It was a crab took me hand.

A baby horseshoe crab
took me hand.

[speaking normally]
Now, of course, traditionally,

when a fisherman goes to sea,
he says goodbye to his family.

It's very emotional, they might
not ever see him again.

My family didn't
come along for this.

They wanted no part of it,
so I hired a family to be here.

Well, I'm off to sea.

I love you guys.
- Love you too.

If I don't come back,
son, you're in charge

of the family hook, okay?

All right.

Off to my certain death.

[epic music]

♪ ♪

Okay, we are at sea,
and I'm sitting here with Kai.

And, Kai,
this is your co-worker...

Gard Simen.

Kai, you said that sometimes
things get rough with...

with Gard Simen.

It's two men trapped
on a boat together

in the North Norwegian Sea.
- Yeah.

What does Gard Simen do
that bothers you?

When I try
to teach him stuff,

he always disagrees,
even though

this is something I know.

When he tells you something,
you argue with him?

Sometimes he might not
have the best solution.

Bullshit.

I always have
the right solution.

Gard Simen,
I want you to say something

that you admire about Kai.

I think Kai knows a lot
about working on the ocean.

Kai, I would like you
to say something

that you admire
about Gard Simen.

And take... take your time.

[phone rings]

That's my phone.

Who's calling you?

I have no idea.

It's a unknown number.

Probably a sales call.

I thought the whole point
of doing this was that

you guys are out
on the high seas.

And you get a sales call too?

- Yeah.
- You get bullshit spam calls?

Yeah.

Sometimes I pick them up
just to have

somebody to talk to, but...

Gard Simen, do you realize
what an insult that is to you?

Yeah.

Sometimes he comes in here
to take a spam call

just so he doesn't have
to talk to you.

[laughter]

Oh, my God, that's the worst.

I wanna ask you
a quick question.

There's some kind of rivalry
between what you guys do

and fishermen.
Is that right?

Yeah.

You two are at a bar.

I'm gonna be a cod fisherman.

[in deep voice] What do
you guys do for a living?

Farm salmon and...

- You farm salmon?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah?
I go out and I catch cod.

I catch it like a real man.

What do you do?
You grow salmon?

We feed it and then we...

- I feed the salmon!
- [laughs]

I catch the cod!

Have fun doing that.

I don't have...
putting my drink down.

I don't have fun doing it.

I do it 'cause I'm a man!

Hey, calm down, man.

Who the f*ck is this guy?

I go out there like a man,

and I catch the cod...

[imitating sailor]
With me hook and me line.

Having gone insane
after only ten minutes at sea,

it was time to hit the bar.

all:
Skal.

Oh, man.

That's the hardest
I've ever worked.

I'm hosing down the ocean.

Who took my fish?

Kai, faster! Faster, Kai!

What do you think?

Should I give a toast
to the whole room?

Would that be nice?
- Absolutely.

Definitely.

- Are there any fishermen here?
- Me.

You're a fisherman?

Oh, we're gonna go...
we're gonna fight

'cause I'm a salmon farmer.

Do you wanna fight me?
- Yeah.

Wait, you do?

Right here.

You scared of me?

Cut it out.

He's faster than I thought.

[grunting]

[sea shanty music]

♪ ♪

[grunting continuing]

After getting beaten senseless
by a ten-year-old boy,

I knew there was only one
thing that could cheer me up.

Another gratuitous sh*t
with the drone.

We're getting
our money's worth!

[cackling]

I hadn't done
any souvenir shopping,

so before I left town,
I decided to buy something

my kids would love...

Lofoten's number one product...

cod.

This is my carry-on luggage.

Let's cod me up, would you?

I like that one. Okay.

Go.

Great.

Could I get...
yeah, three cod heads?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

Here, help me close this.

Yes.

Yeah.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- You got it?

Zip 'er up.

I was off to the airport
with my suitcase

packed to the gills.

By the way, that joke
was written by AI.

They're coming for us all.

Our tire just went
into this ravine.

The car is stuck.

We've only been trapped about,
I'd say, five minutes,

but I think we're gonna
have to start eating people.

We'll start
with the sound technician.

No? Okay.

We'll eat an intern first,
and then I think, uh,

whichever camera person
has more muscle and fat.

I think that's
gonna be you, so.

Or we could use
the backup vehicle

and just shuttle to the airport
and not eat anybody.

Those are kind of
our two choices.

We got some luck here.

One of these guys
had a cable with him,

and he's gonna try and use it...

to use this van
to pull this van out.

Can we just act like
I helped do this?

- Sure.
- Watch this.

All right, I think
we got it, guys.

I just wanna
keep everybody...

Yeah, I'd like to... excuse me.

If it snaps.

Yeah, excuse me.

I'd like to keep everyone back
in case this snaps, okay?

How's it looking up there?
I don't know his name.

Glorg?

How's it looking up front?
What do you think?

We have a good chance?
- Maybe.

Okay, well, a Norwegian
"maybe" is an American "yes."

I don't know what that means.

[tense music]

It's going a little deeper
into the ditch.

I'm not having any effect
on this,

but I'm just gonna walk around
a lot and look like...

how are we looking here?

Try again.

You know, I think
it's worth another try, guys.

Let me check the line.

Yeah.

All right, I think we're good.

We've gotta get to the airport
to get to Oslo.

We're in desperate situation

'cause we have
a dinner reservation at 8:00,

and those are hard to get.

Okay, we've been now here
about 25 minutes.

We are rapidly
losing body heat.

It would help a lot
if I buttoned my jacket...

But I don't like the way
that looks.

[engine revving]

♪ ♪

Fortunately, we made it
to Oslo in time

for our dinner reservation.

Unfortunately we never got to
taste the flesh of our crew.

And as I promised,
I used my connections

to get Jarle and Christian's
song played on the radio.

- You are Alex.
- I'm Alex. You're Conan.

I am coming to you
with an amazing opportunity.

All right.

- I have recorded a song.
- Yeah.

And it is by
a hip-hop duo in Bergen, okay?

They're called E.D.A.

And I did the vocals
for the bridge.

Okay.

I do think when
you hear my bridge,

your golden locks
are gonna fly off your head.

You'll be bald
when this is over.

Okay.

It'll be just
some golden Nordic hair

lying on the floor.

The hair will never grow back.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you'll be bald
the rest of your life,

unless you have the hair on
the floor stitched into a wig

and placed on your head.

Before we play the song,
give me an example of what

the intro will be like.

Well, I might
say something like,

you're listening to
"The Afternoon Show"

here at Radio Nova, and we
have something real special

coming up for you right now.

I like the "real special."
That's cool.

Yeah? Yeah? All right.

We have something real special
coming from you.

Mr. Con... Conan O'Brien.

And try... try not
to bobble the name.

Just Conan O'Brien.
- Conan O'Brien.

Yeah,
'cause the way you said it,

it almost sounds like,
I'm not even sure who that is,

as opposed to, it's that guy.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, play up my name
a little more.

The most famous comedian
in America

has agreed to come to Norway

and bless us with his presence.

You want me
to say those words,

"bless us with his presence"?
- It'd be nice.

All right.

[speaking Norwegian]

This song is playing
right now all over Norway?

Right now it's just playing
downstairs in the building.

Oh.

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

♪ ♪

Now for another
beautiful drone sh*t,

except flying a drone camera
is illegal

within the city limits of Oslo.

But paid a lot for this thing,
and I'm gonna use it.

Fire it up, fellas!

[drone buzzing]

What is your name?
- Otar.

- Otar?
- Yes.

I was told that in Norway,

people like
their personal space.

- Yeah.
- Right?

So this is
the right amount of space.

Yeah, this is the right...
this is right.

Okay, now what about...
you tell me when I'm too close.

Ah, you're too close,
too close.

That's too close.
- Okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.

Try it. Just try it.
Just try it. Just try it.

Just try it. Just try it.
- Okay, try... I'm trying.

A little bit scared, though.
- See?

Nothing bad happens
when you're this close.

- No, actually it's okay, then.
- Yeah, isn't it fine?

You kind of like it, don't you?
- Maybe it's okay, then.

Yeah. Is this okay?

You like it?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Listen, I want you
to remain perfectly still.

I'm going to lick
your cheek, okay?

You can do it.
- Okay, let's see.

Yah...
[speaks Norwegian]

See? Norway can change.

This personal space thing
is just ridiculous.

- Okay. Now I'm relaxed. Yeah.
- You're good, right?

Okay, your hand is on my ass.
- [laughs]

- Hi.
- How are you?

What is your name?
- Eben.

- Are you Norwegian?
- Yeah.

You know, I've noticed...

I've been here for a little
while... that the Norwegians

are very reserved.

Yeah.

They are very kind of quiet.

Yeah.

They don't have much to say.

No.

- They're very honest.
- Yeah.

How do you think I...

what do you think of my look?

Yeah, a little bit, um,

perhaps, you know,
a little bit too old.

You think I'm too old
to dress this way?

Yeah.

What's... what's...

I'm trying to look too young
for a guy my age,

is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

So maybe I should
dress a little older.

Yeah.

Like wearing clothes

that's more suitable
for someone my age.

Yeah.

How old do you think I am?

You're close to 60.

Jesus.

Yes.

Yeah. Happy for you.

Thank you.

That's so lovely.

All right, so let's review.

Norwegians are quiet.

- Yeah, a little quiet.
- Reserved.

- Yes.
- I dress inappropriately.

Uh, yeah.

It's sad the way I'm dressed.

Okay, if you wanna put it
that way, yes, it's sad.

Would you like
to have this coat?

I don't think I can
wear it anymore.

Maybe you could sell it.

- It's a Tom Ford?
- Yeah.

I can sell it.
[laughs]

[laughter]

Really? Okay.

Nice to see you, sir.
Yeah, thank you.

Finally, the time had come
for Jarle and E.D.A.

to debut our new song
at what I was told

was Norway's largest
concert venue.

[pop music playing]

[singing in Norwegian]

♪ ♪

Conan O'Brien!

[cheering]

One, two, three, four!

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's salmon in the sea ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My baby says she's bored ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's not in love with me ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

[singing in Norwegian]

♪ ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

[singing in Norwegian]

[vocalizing]

[cheering]

Whoo!

Long live Norway!

Whoo!

Bro, what the f*ck
just happened?

crowd: [chanting]
E.D.A! E.D.A! E.D.A!

[soft traditional music]

♪ ♪

Sadly, the time
had come for me

to leave the beautiful
country of Norway.

Many thanks
to the Norwegian people

for their generous warmth,
relentless honesty,

and their unflinching
commitment to cod...

so much g*dd*mn cod.

And I'll never forget
my Norwegian fans Jarle, Kai,

and, of course,

the DJI Inspire 2

with Zenmuse X5S gimbal

and Synacor 2.0
image processing.

I realized I wanted more, so...

there's a kind of wisdom,
I think,

that comes with age
and experience.

You learn about
your own mistakes.

You know,
you're a great listener.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ I'm looking at the fjord ♪

Hey, Conan.
It's me, Kai, here.

I don't know if you remember
the drink we had in the bar.

There was a girl there,
which I've known for a while.

Conan gave me a tap on the
shoulder and told me to...

to go for it, and I did.

So we're living together now,
and, uh,

and we're expecting
our first baby, a little girl

now in February.

Things are going really great.

Thank you for your visit.

[singing in Norwegian]

♪ ♪

This is deranged.