04x05 - Mission Mania

[bunniefuu]

That's the last few.
Everybody's safe,

- including one very ungrateful grizzly.
- [bear growls]

Oh, shut it!

Fire Department can
handle things from here.

Great work, guys.

[cheering]

Ah, life is so much better

now we don't have
to keep our missions a secret.

I know. Now people can
tell us how great we are

right to our faces.

[all] Adam, Bree and Chase.

Adam, Bree and Chase.

Are you kidding me?

I've been going on missions
for over a month.

How can these people
not know my name?

Maybe you should change it to
something people won't forget,

like, uh, Gregorio Spiridakis,

or Pickles O'Malley.

Can I have
your attention, please?

I'd like to point out
that Adam, Bree and Chase

weren't the only heroes.

I personally saved six people.

Adam, Bree, Chase, and that guy.

Adam, Bree, Chase, and that guy.

[chanting continues]

All right, the six I saved,

back in the fire.

The world's first
bionic superhumans.

They're stronger than us.

Faster.
Smarter.

The next generation
of the human race is...

living on a bionic island.

So long story short,

Donnie put me in charge
of developing technology

for the academy.

But only on a trial basis.

Why just a trial basis?

I honestly don't know.

You tried to annihilate
his whole family.

Come on, you met him.
Can you blame me?

Don't worry, big guy.

I'm sure you'll
wipe him out next time.

The point is,

I have the chance to get back
into my brother's good graces.

So I've been working on
some new devices

that are really
going to impress Donnie.

What do you guys
wanna see first?

The Stabber 2000?

Plague in a bottle?
Uh-oh.

Here comes the pencil bazooka.

[chuckling]
You can't erase

the injuries
this thing will cause.

How would any of those
be used at the academy?

How should I know?

This one with the questions.

Look, Douglas. Big D. doesn't
want violent devices.

He wants things that are
going to improve our lives.

I don't know if that's
really in my wheelhouse.

I have been destroying things
for years,

and now I'm
supposed to help people?

Where did my life go so wrong?

Come on, Douglas.
You must have something.

Well...

Maybe this'll work.

Ooh, Italian furniture.
I approve.

No!

It's my lie detector chair.

Ya strap somebody into it,

and ask 'em questions.

It analyzes
their vocal patterns,

and determines if
they're telling the truth.

I like it.

But do you have anything
in a lie-detecting hammock?

Just try it out.

Don't mind if I do.

Wait. This thing's not
gonna zap me

if I tell a lie, is it?

- No.
- Okay, good.

It'll spin you around
in speeds up to Mach 3.

- What?!
- It's like a merry-go-round

with a horribly violent twist.

On second thought,
I'm late for class.

- [chair buzzes]
- [Bob screams]

Are you okay?

Yeah.
I feel great.

- [chair buzzes]
- [Bob screams]

You keep me in this thing,
I'm definitely gonna ruin it.

So, what do you guys think?

I think you need to start
looking for a new job.

Your inventions
shouldn't hurt the students.

Ugh. Why does
this school

always have to be
about the kids?

Hey, Leo, we got
a mission alert.

You wanna come
and not get noticed?

Hey, can we go, too?

Sorry, kid. You're still
not mission-ready yet.

Man, they're never
gonna give me a chance.

Don't let it bother you.

I think you're mission-ready.

- [chair buzzes]
- [Bob screams]

Ooh. Ouch.

Right on the Stabber 2000.

We got a mission alert
from this address, ma'am.

What's the emergency?

And don't panic, because
Adam, Chase and Leo are here.

My cat, Colonel Cuddles,
ran up this tree.

Can you please get him down?

I don't think it classifies
as a mission

if we can be replaced
by a ladder.

I mean, seriously, we're
rescuing a cat from a tree?

No. We're rescuing
a raccoon from a tree.

Aw, cute. He's chewing on
that sleeping squirrel.

[alarm beeping]

Guys, I just got
five new mission alerts.

Sounds like five more opportunities
for this guy to be a hero.

This guy? I thought
you were that guy.

Make up your mind.

Come on, let's go!

Wait. What about my cat?

It's at your feet, ma'am,

where it's been the whole time.

- [meows]
- Oh.

Fifteen straight missions,

and not one real emergency.

What a waste of
my immense talent

and unique skill set.

Yeah. I don't know
which mission was more annoying,

the lady who ran out of gas,

or the guy who didn't know
which side dish to order.

I do. The lady
who ran out of gas.

I had to watch her
push her car for two miles.

Guys, I feel proud to spend
time with our adoring public.

Now if you'll excuse me,
America's newest bionic hero

is about to get busy
with some baby grapes.

I don't get it.

How did all those people
know how to contact us?

It's easy. You just touch
a bunch of numbers

until someone says hello.

Guys, I think I know
what's going on. Look.

How could he do that?

Well, there's a printer,
there's a copy shop.

A ton of places online.

Ah, the life of a bionic hero.

Am I right, people?

Yeah. Nothing says
bionic hero

like cheap business cards.

They had to be cheap.

How else was I supposed
to afford 10,000 of them?

Why would you do this?

I just wanted people to know
I was part of the team.

Did they airbrush your biceps?

No.

I did.

This was a terrible idea, Leo.

Relax. It's just a few
little business cards.

Look. My commercial's on.

Hello. My name
is Leo Dooley.

Are you the victim of an
accident or terrible disaster?

If so, great.
I can help.

That's me.

I'm Leo Dooley.

My bionic team can solve
any life-threatening situation.

And remember
the Leo Dooley promise.

If I don't save your life,

your next mission is free.

Call now.

Not responsible for
any injuries caused

during actual rescue.

Leo, I can't believe
you did that.

I can't believe no one told me
we were charging for missions.

Where's my cut?

We don't charge for missions.

- Do we?
- No.

Leo, that is not cool.

Relax.

It's just one little commercial,

and it's only run once.

Hola. Me llamo
Leo Dooley.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Invent anything for the academy
that won't scar us for life?

It's all still too dangerous.

The safest thing I've got

is this nerve gas.

It only eats half your brain.

Let's put a pin in that one.

Hey, maybe we can help you
come up with something else.

Oh, I know.

A metal box that heats up bread,

and makes it crispy
so you can put butter on it.

It's called a toaster, Bob.

It was invented 150 years ago.

How about a machine
that takes you

- from the first floor to the second?
- Elevator.

- Then how about stairs that move?
- Escalator.

- Stairs that don't move.
- Stairs, Bob!

I have one for you.

How about a machine

that gets rid of all
the things that drive you crazy?

Ooh, I like it.

- What's it called?
- A hydraloop.

No, wait!

He'll be back.

He always comes back.

[beeping]

We've got mission alerts coming
in from all across the country.

There's no way
we can handle 'em all.

I told you we should've
opened up a Canadian branch.

Great.

Now that you added
a phone number to the system,

the whole world has
direct access to us.

That's right.

Worldwide, baby.

We have no way to differentiate
between a real emergency

and some guy who can't find
one of his shoes.

I'm sorry;
I panicked.

Next time, I'll check
my feet first.

Okay, well, what are we
gonna do?

I bet most of these alerts aren't
even for legitimate missions.

We don't have a choice.

We have to ignore some of them,

and let the local
authorities handle it.

You can't do that.

I made a promise to help people,

in two languages,

and I'm working on a third
for my Chinese friends.

When people call in
a mission alert,

they expect
Leo Dooley to show up.

But with bigger biceps.

Or biceps.

That's the sixth false alarm
from Highland Hills today.

Sorry, Leo.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me four, five, six times,
I'm stayin' home.

So you're just gonna
blow it off?

We have to.
We don't have the manpower.

Then I guess I'm going
to Highland Hills alone.

I better hurry.
That place is scary after dark.

Hey, if anything goes wrong,

you can always call
the guy with the big biceps,

but, uh, prepare
to be disappointed.

Oh, I got one.

A machine that pumps
cold air into a hot room.

Air conditioner, Bob.

And I'm also not gonna
invent the automobile,

aluminum siding, or beef stew!

Then what are we
even doing here?

I told you he'd be back.

He keeps this up,

I'm goin' back to the dark side.

Take me with you.

[beeping]

Whoa, look at
all those mission alerts.

The system's really backing up.

We better answer some.

What do we do?

Just pick up the calls,
ask what's wrong,

and try to help.

Mission Alert Central.

Spin speaking.

How can I help you?

What, Bob?

When do we go on break?

[people screaming]

I knew it.
This is a legit mission.

Don't panic. I'm gonna
get you out of there.

But you already knew that
since you called me.

Okay, I got you.

See? Piece of cake.

All right, let's focus on...

That was close.
It's okay, I've got you.

[Leo screaming]

Yes, that was a girl's scream,

but it was a confident
girl's scream.

[shrieking]

That one was not.

[people screaming]

I'm gonna call for help.

What's our number, what's our
number, what's our number?

My business cards.

My business cards!

Don't worry, ma'am,
your hamster's gonna be fine.

Please hold.

How do you get a hamster
out of a sheep dog?

I'd be happy
to pick you up, sir.

Just wait at baggage claim
till I learn how to drive.

Bionic Academy
mission alert line.

How can I help you?

Bob, it's Leo.
I need help.

No problem. Can I place you
on a brief 20-minute hold?

No. I'm dangling from...

Thank you, and enjoy
this awful music.

This is ridiculous.

Well, I've never been
to the Caribbean,

but I'd go with
the half-day snorkel adventure

over the paddleboard excursion.

You know what I say?
You dump him.

You are an independent woman.

You go, girlfriend.

I am done racing
all over the country

for meaningless missions.

And I'm done
explaining to people

why I'm not the Spanish
kid in the commercial.

Are you kidding me?
More alerts?

We're answering
as many as we can.

Come on, Adam.
We better go tell Bree

to grab some more gear
before we head back out.

Adam, we have
way too many calls coming in.

Can you take some?

Can I do a phony accent?

Sure. But heads up.

Nobody's buying
Mr. Finkelschmidt from Germany.

Watch this.

[bad German accent]
Hello. This is Mr. Finkelschmidt

from right outside of Germany.

How may I help you?

Adam, it's Leo.

I'm holding onto a helicopter

so it doesn't fall off
of the side of a building.

Leo, no personal calls.

This line's for
emergencies only.

No, don't hang up.
My phone's about to die.

[frustrated scream]

Does anyone mind
holding onto this helicopter

so I can go grab my phone?

Come on, Adam, we have to go.

Hold on.
Can I take a real call?

The only one I've had
so far was Leo.

Leo called the emergency line?

Something about a helicopter

hangin' off
the side of a building.

Blah, blah, blah.

Hello, this is Adam.
How can I help you?

He must really
be in trouble. Let's go.

I'll be right there. I'm
dealing with an emergency too.

I am so sorry your flight
was canceled, ma'am.

Do you mind if we reroute
you through Salt Lake City?

Help!

Adam, you get Leo.
I'll stabilize the helicopter.

- Got him.
- Bree, get the passengers.

Hurry.

That's everyone. Let me make
sure no one's left in there.

No. Bree, don't!
It's about to go over.

Help. My suit is stuck.

- Help!
- No! Bree!

Nice work, Leo.

What about the helicopter?

Yeah, that's never
gonna fly again.

- Great work, guys.
- Yeah, especially you, Leo.

- I owe you one.
- Yeah, well, I am a hero.

- Don't push it.
- You're welcome.

Hey, Leo, looks like everyone's
gonna know your name now.

That news crew
filmed the whole thing.

- Who cares?
- Cares?

All you've wanted
this whole time

is for people to know your name.

Yeah, well...

I did some thinking while I was
on hold for 20 minutes.

You don't go on missions
for the fame.

You go to save lives.

Um, Leo, you do realize

there's a 40-foot billboard
on that building

with your face on it.

Oh.

They told me that wouldn't
be ready for another two weeks.

So after hearing about
what you guys went through,

I finally figured out
what I should invent.

Oh, a layer of clothing
that acts as a barrier

between you and your pants.

They have that, Bob.

And why don't you know about it?

I took the lie detector
technology,

and integrated it with
the mission alert system.

Now it will analyze
the callers' vocal patterns,

and determine if it's
a real emergency.

This is great, Douglas.

Big D.'s gonna be
very impressed.

Well, I can't take
all the credit.

These guys helped.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

They had tons of good ideas.

And I'll bet you
would like to hear

every single one of them.

Bob, why don't you start?

Okay, get this.

It's a machine that sucks up
all the dirt on the floor.

That's a vacuum cleaner.

Yes, that's the perfect
name for it.

Enjoy the next six hours, Leo.

How about a light source in a
stick that lets you see at night?

You mean a flashlight?

No. Sounds stupid.

Hey, Bob, you wanna help me
test out the pencil bazooka?

- Sure.
- Great. You're the target.

No, no!