04x15 - Human Eddy

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

What's up, meat bots?

Excuse me.

What do you think you're doing?

This is the fourth time
this week I've caught you

blowing off
your security rounds.

What do you expect?

This job is too hard
for one person.

How am I supposed
to patrol the grounds,

monitor cyber security,
and still find time

to steal from you?

Look, you asked me for this job.

If you can't handle it,

maybe I should find
somebody else.

Good luck trying
to find someone else

who wants a high-paying job
on a tropical island.

Hey, what's going on
with the monitors?

Somebody probably
hacked our signal

because the sheriff
wasn't doing her job.

Hi!

[ All screaming ]

I've been trying
to get in here for months.

I had to go through
all sorts of firewalls

and security blocks.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you didn't
want me here.

We don't want you here.

Well, look who finally got
a big-boy voice.

Still waiting for the rest
of your little-boy body

to catch up, huh?

Eddy, you're supposed to be
in Mission Creek with Tasha.

Don't worry, she's fine.

I triple-locked her
in the closet.

Even her man paws
can't claw through that.

Speaking of man paws,
how are you, Bree?

That's it.
Where's the hammer?

I don't know about the hammer,

but I'm definitely looking at
a room full of tools.

The world's first
bionic superhumans.

They're stronger than us.

Faster.
Smarter.

The next generation of
the human race is...

living on a bionic island.

Hey, great news, everybody.

You scored a goal in
your junior soccer league?

You finally fit into
men's pants?

You're going bald?

Why would that be great news?

You already act like
a boring old man.

Might as well look the part.

The president wants me to be on

his environmental
task force committee.

It's a think t*nk of
the world's smartest minds

brought together to address
major ecological issues.

Sounds like something
a boring old man would say.

This is the biggest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Committee member today,
president tomorrow.

And revolution the day after.

What about
your responsibilities here?

Yeah, without you,
who's gonna bore

all the students to death?

I already told Chase
I would cover all his classes.

Problem solved.

The president is coming here

to interview me and give his
official stamp of approval.

Then it's off to Washington,
D.C., for good.

Congratulations.

We'll really miss you.

I call dibs on his capsule.

Washington, D.C.?

That's like another country.

This isn't fair. Why does Chase
get to leave and we don't?

Well, for starters,

because Chase knows
that Washington, D.C.

isn't a country.

Perry, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure thing, boss man.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I thought about what you
said about being overworked,

and I may have been
a little harsh.

So you're giving me a raise?

I said I'm sorry, not crazy.

What I'm gonna give you
is better than a raise.

Say hello to your new partner.

- Him?
- Does this guy even know anything about bionics?

Actually, he knows
a lot more about bionics

than you might think.
Isn't that right?

That's ri-i-ight!

[ All screaming ]

Eddy?

That's the little guy
in the wall?

In the flesh.
Check me out.

Why would you give a body to the most
vile computer program ever created?

Don't worry.

Human Eddy isn't mean.

When I put his artificial
intelligence

into this synthetic body,

I altered his personality.

I made him nice.

I begged him not to,
but now I'm glad.

One little fix,
and you expect us

to believe that Eddy is nice?

I'm not buying it.

No, it's true.

Earlier today, I caught
Leo struggling to do a push-up.

The old me would've mocked him.

But the new me is just sad.

Poor Leo.

I guess that's better.

Long story short,
I still wanna k*ll you guys.

With kindness.

I don't get it.

You could've designed
any kind of body for him.

Why does he look like that?

The beard hides my gear.

You wanna see?

Yeah, besides,
I couldn't make somebody

better looking than me.

I literally could not.

This is
once-in-a-lifetime stuff.

That's my Donny.

All right,
Mr. President.

I'm all packed and ready to go.

Where will I be staying?
West wing, east wing?

Pull-out sofa bed
in the Oval Office?

Hold on now.

I can't just give you the job.

I meant it when I said
there was an interview first.

Oh, yeah, of course you did.

This one, so by the book.

All right, I'll play along.

Go ahead, interview me.

Why don't you just
tell the committee

a little about yourself?

Well, for starters,

I have so many
scientific accomplishments,

It would take me hours
to list them all.

- That won't be necessary.
- So glad you asked.

First up, perfecting
cold fusion.

Then, I memorized the first
ten billion digits of pi,

which are






I love the environment,
but this may not be worth it.

Well, you've seen
the whole joint.

Tell me that doesn't
fill up your hate bucket.

I'll tell you what's
wrong with these kids, Terry.

There's not enough of 'em.

You're new here,

so I'm gonna let that one go.

Come on. We've got
work to do.

Let's blow it off
and go eat subs on the beach.

Now, Terry,
we're model employees.

We can't slack off like that.

Plus, I thought we agreed we're
gonna cut back on the carbs.

That's it.

If we're gonna be partners,
I want the old Eddy back.

Donny said he programmed you
to act this way.

That means there's gotta be
a way to reprogram you.

Oh, yeah, that's easy,

but we need Donny's
password to do it.

Oh, I have all his passwords.

Plus his credit cards,
his thumbprint,

and his original nose.

Let's do it.

My lips are sealed.

Except for a smile.

Did it work?

Better than your last
trip to the beauty parlor.

You're back!

Now remember,
this is our little secret.

You can't tell Donny
what I did to you.

And you can't go out in public

without a mask on your face.

Good morning, Eddy.

Go choke on a muffin.

What did he just say?

I said go choke on a muffin.

But if you prefer
a bagel or Danish,

as long as you're
gasping for air, I'm good.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

I'm back.

Remember all those times
you treated me like

a piece of junk on the wall?

Well, guess what.
It's your turn.

Don't get too excited.

You'll use up
all your air faster.

Then I converted every recorded
presidential address

from analog to digital.

Isn't that fun?

[ Loud crashing ]

Adam!

What are you doing?

Oh, my, I'm so sorry.

Is this where you're having
your little interview?

What a coincidence.

It's also where I practice
playing my...

big, loud, shiny things.

Get out.

Does anyone else wanna
sneak out the back

and pretend all this
never happened?

Sorry about that.
He's just jealous

because I'm going to
Washington and he's not.

Now, where were we?

Pizza's here!

Adam, I'm in the middle
of my presentation.

Middle?
Adam, sit down.

Don't mind if I do.

What are you guys talking about?

Well, I'd like to be
talking about global warming.

I don't suppose you have
any thoughts?

Let's see.

The globe is warm and round,

much like my pizza.

And when I cool it,
I only blow on the parts

I'm about to take a bite of.

So what I think
you're saying is,

instead of focusing on
the entire planet,

we zero in on
the specific hot spots, right?

Uh, yeah.

You know what?

You may be on to something.

Maybe I underestimated
you, Adam.

Well, perhaps we'll find
more answers

with a simpler approach.

What?

I think we have
another candidate

for the job.

Him? No!

Hear that, Chase?

I'm gonna be president.

What do you think you're doing?

That job was mine.

Chase, I can't help it
if I'm a genius.

You are not a genius.

The president thinks so,
and he's a pretty smart dude.

There's a reason that
he's the king of America.

Okay, here's how we'll decide
who's the best candidate.

We'll have a debate.

Whoever wins
gets the job. Fair?

Sounds good to me.

Let's debate.
I call skins.

Uh, this is gonna
get ugly really fast.

So you're gonna be skins?

First question.

Chase, what would you do
to reduce greenhouse gases?

Easy.

Curtail our rampant
consumption of fossil fuels,

then overhaul
our infrastructure,

and switch to
renewable energy sources.

Adam, you're up.

The planet of the earth

and the fuels of fossil
contain force

that is clearly curtain
energy from shoes,

lightning cans,
ozone climate candles.

Yes.

Okay, this debate is over.

Whoo! Did I win?

Ha ha. Let me put it
into terms you can understand.

You see this pizza?
This is you.

This is me.

Ha! I just ate you up.

You know, I don't think

I've ever had anyone
offer to brush my hair before.

Welcome to heaven.

Oh, goodness.

Look at these two messy Bessies.

Hope those aren't
school clothes, Donald.

You know exactly what happened.

Eddy disabled our bionics
with his laser cuffs.

Then he cut open the wall,
shoved us in,

and sealed it back up.

I don't believe that.

I programmed him to be nice now.

Really? Wanna check
the security camera footage?

I don't get it.

The wall's intact.

But it was just...

It was just what, honey?

Be a big girl
and use your words.

- He doctored the footage.
- Come on, guys.

Why are you trying
to get Eddy in trouble?

He hasn't done anything.

It's obviously a desperate
cry for attention.

It's okay, there's enough
of Daddy's love

for all of us.

It's only his second
day as a human.

He deserves better.

We both deserve better.

You're buying this?

If you're asking if
I believe in my technology

more than my children, yes.

Congratulations, Chase.

You're clearly the most
qualified candidate,

and since I don't have to
attend any future meetings,

welcome aboard.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, and Adam.

Thank you for the pizza.

No problem.
Give my best to the queen.

Did you really think that you could
steal that job away from me?

Nope. I just didn't
want you to get it.

Yeah, 'cause you're jealous.

- Nah.
- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Look at you.

You're so jealous,
and you can't even admit it.

Okay, you wanna know
the real reason

why I didn't want
you to get the job?

Go ahead. This should
be real good.

'Cause I didn't want
you to leave.

Wait. That's what
this is all about?

Yeah.

But you know what?

Doesn't matter anymore.

Good luck, Chase.

Okay. If Eddy's
gonna play dirty,

so are we.

[ Chortling ]

So...

seems like things have
been running pretty smoothly

with Eddy here, huh?

Yeah. With him on the job,
I got to spend the morning

spear fishing with
my big toe nail.

So I guess it won't be
too long before

Mr. Davenport notices
how well Eddy's doing.

And I do recall him saying

that if you couldn't do the job,

he'd replace you with
someone who can.

Donny would never fire me.

He loves me.

He yells at you all the time
and calls you horrible names.

That's what people who
love each other do.

Come to think of it,

Eddy is off doing
your job as we speak.

And if there's no job for you...

You're right, Dooley.

That dashing robo-hippie
is trying to snake my gig.

I gotta go sharpen
my big toe and go get him.

What are you doing?

Since you're leaving,
I'm using your capsule

as my sock drawer.

Well, you can stop.

No, I can't.

I already broke up
with my old sock drawer.

If I go back now,
it's just gonna be awkward.

No, I mean, you can stop,

because I already
called the president,

and told him I'm not
gonna take the job.

Why?

Look, I thought you were
sabotaging me,

so I acted like a jerk.

But when you admitted that
you just didn't want me to go,

I felt terrible.

Oh. Well, nothing makes me
feel happier

than knowing you feel terrible.

But you're really gonna stay?

Yeah. The more
I thought about it,

why would I go to
Washington, D.C.?

I already have
my dream job right here.

As long as you're
staying, so do I.

What's that?

Throwing you.

Hey, Sasquatch.

- Oh, hey, Ter.
- Don't you "Hey, Ter" me.

I know what you're up to, and there's
no way you're stealing my job.

Oh, Terry, I could never
fill your shoes.

Mostly because I don't fit
into a size gnome.

What did you say to me?

I said why don't you go
back to your mushroom house

and leave me alone?

Okay, that's it.
There's only room

for one of us at this academy.

Yeah, I'll say,

so why don't you squeeze over

- and give me some space?
- You're goin' down!

Ha ha! My body's synthetic,
so I don't feel pain.

- You can't hurt me!
- Yes, I can.

Hey, if you're gonna
grab my beard,

then I'm gonna grab yours.

Guys, what's going on?

Eddy's bad again, and Perry's
trying to destroy him.

Tell her to watch the beard.

My phone's charging in there.

[ Panting ]

Used all my signature moves
on him and nothing worked.

Even the Perry throttle.

Hey, get back here and fight me
like the she-beast you are.

Oh, I will,
you deranged drifter.

Since you reprogrammed me
to be mean again,

I'm unstoppable.

[ Derisive laughter ]

You reprogrammed him?

Not now, kids.
I'm a little busy.

Oh, Perry's gettin'
her butt kicked.

If we don't take Eddy out,

he's gonna terrorize
this place forever.

Not if my bionic leg
has anything to say about it.

That doesn't sound
as macho as you think.

Release the beast, Eddy.

Sit tight, Leo.

You're next.

No, you are.

Didn't feel a thing.

Who else wants to not hurt me?

That's it.

I'm going to get
Mr. Davenport.

Go ahead. I have him
totally fooled.

That has-been has no idea
I'm back to my old self.

Yes, I do.

Ha ha, Donny.

Hi!

You beard-dialed me
on Adam's phone.

Heard everything.

Everything?

It was just a show for the kids.

I'm bad, I'm good,
I'm bad, I'm good.

I'm just a great big
bag of emotions.

[ Fake crying and laughing ]

It's over, Eddy.
It's time for you to go

back in the wall
where you belong.

No, please.
I'll be good.

Or how about just not bad

in front of you,
split the difference?

What do you say, Don-Don, huh?

Don't make me hurt you, Donny.

I don't wanna hurt you.

You already hurt me
with your words.

Okay, I can't stomach
much more of this.

Oh, Donny, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it!

Bet he felt that.

Well, Eddy, you're finally
back where you belong.

Yeah, well, at least
you let me keep the beard.

But I got to keep your hand.

If you knew where that's been,

you wouldn't be holding it.

Hey, who tore me apart anyway?

Your new wall mate.

Wall mate?

Let me out!
Get me outta here!

Oh, no, I got an itch.

Scratch it, Eddy, scratch it.

No. No!
Get me outta here!

Get me outta here!