04x11 - Kiss It All Goodbye

[bunniefuu]

Have a great flight, sweetie.

Play nice with the other bikini models.

Yes, Siena, I'll take good care of myself.

I'm, uh, having oatmeal right now.

Why is it crunchy?

Um, because I'm eating it
raw, the way nature intended.

Hey, what the Sam heck
happened to the bacon?

Dad!

Um, he's talking about Kevin Bacon,

talented actor who brought dance to a small
town in the classic movie Footloose.

I'm talking out the bacon
that was right there.

Uh, that's our name
for Kevin. "The Bacon."

Loves to come over for a healthy...

Yes, I'll eat better.

I'm goma go wake up the girls
and don't you even think

about touching my
b-b-b-bluerry pancakes,

I'll kick your
b-b-b-butt.

Aah!

Wow, when you got rid of Hamah, did
she take all your makeup with her?

Nice try, but not
even you can bring me down.

The secret's out. Yesterday, I told Robin
Roberts that I'm really Miley Stewart,

she told me that America's goma love me.

And tomorrow I go on Colin Lassiter,

and I get to tell the world
that you're a snot wagon

for the second time this week.

Life couldn't get
any better. Yah!

Wait, I smell bacon.

Where is it?

It's all gone.

- But I can bring it back up for ya.
- Oh!

How do you have a girlfriend?

- Got it.
- Oh, don't mind if I do.

- Do what?
- Do this.

Come on, there's a fresh stack right there.

Oh! Oh, yeah,
but these are pre-syruped.

Oopsies!

Hey, Mile,

there's a special delivery for you
down at the Gate from Stanford.

- I got accepted!
- You got accepted!

Yeah, hold on, I'll buzz you in.

Buzz him in?
Since when do you lock the Gate?

Well, honey, ever since the secret got out,
I thought I better start doing that.

- So, uh... Hm...
- You forgot the code, didn't you?

It's the first time I've had to
use it since we moved in here.

Well, I'm sure he wrote it down somewhere.

Thank you very much, Lilly.
Of course I did. It's just a matter of...

You forgot where you
wrote it down, didn't you?

You forgot where you
wrote it down, didn't you?

- I'll find it.
- For goodness sakes!

We're coming!

Thank you so much.

Open it! Open it!

- I got accepted!
- Yay! Yay! Yay!

- Over here!
- Not good! Not good!

- Dad, open the Gate!
- Keep your pants on.

I'm on the other line
with the Gate company.

OK, I'm back.

- Still me, Dad.
- Sorry, honey.

- OK, I'm back.
- Still me!

Grab the ladder, girls!

Hey, that sounds like Aunt Dolly.

- That is Aunt Dolly!
- Grab on!

What're you doing here?

Saving your not-so-secret butt,

and lookin' good doing it, huh?!

OK, hang on tight,

enjoy the scenery and thank you
for flying Air Dolly!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Here we go, everybody!

♪ Come on ♪

♪ You get the limo
out front ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Hottest styles
Every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you
but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought
that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double
as a superstar ♪

Whooo!

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out Take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together
and you know ♪

♪ That it's the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

This is the worst picture ever.

Calm down, darlin',
I'm sure they're not all...

Oh, my Lord!

My gosh!

They're in the house!

Don't be silly, they're not in the house.

That was taken through
that door right there

with a 1,500 millimeter F-13 telephoto
lens with vibration reduction.

That sucker can detect a visible panty line

from a mile away.
And I should know.

That means they could be anywhere!

- Stay low, and watch
the goofy faces! - Ow!

Come on, honey. You had to know once
you let the Hamah cat outta the bag,

- this was bound to happen.
- Your daddy's right, darling.

You are at the top
of the news heap right now.

But this is goma settle down, trust me.

When did it settle down for you?

It hasn't yet, has it?

Well, it's only been 40 years.
Give it time.

Now, you can get your knickers
all up in a Twist about this,

and they'll probably get
a really good sh*t of that.

Or, if life gives you lemons,

make lemonade!

OK! Who wants lemonade?

And snickerdoodles!

I was just telling my goddaughter how
you fellas are just regular people

just out here trying to make a living.

Although there's no shame in
training to be a male nurse.

I'm just saying.

Look, go ahead and take all the
pictures that you want of me right now.

Oh!

And a few of me, if you must.

I didn't get all
shrink-wrapped for nothin'.

And, uh, then you can just give
me and my family some privacy.

We can do that, we'll
make this a regular thing.

I'll even throw in a couple of "Ooh,
you caught me's" once in a while.

Go ahead, take 'em.
Blah! You caught me!

OK, good. So are we OK?

OK, well, that'll do it for now, folks.

If you want more sh*ts of me, you can get 'em
on Saturday at my nationally televised concert,

Dolly Live From Lake Hollywood.

Don't ever turn up your
nose at free publicity.

♪ Ooh, oh ♪

Rico?

Rico?

Are you OK?

Do you want something to eat?
Something to drink?

Somebody to make fun of?

Hey, what about me?
Look, it'll be fun.

Ahem. Hey, blondie, heard you
entered an ugly contest,

but they said, "Sorry,
no professionals!"

Hey-o!

Hey-o!

All right, Lily, what's the big emergency?

It's Rico.

He's been like this
since I got here this morning.

- What do we do?
- I don't know.

Put a rubber mouse on his head and
hope he gets carried away by a Hawk?

Ca-caw!

Jackson, I'm serious.
I mean, look.

He's been like this for hours.

There's something very wrong with him.

And you're just discovering this now?

I think that Lola wig did
some serious damage up there.

She was Lola! Of course!

Miley was Hamah,
her best friend would be Lola.

How could I have missed that, too?

It was so obvious!

The bone structure.

It was staring me in the face.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Is that really what this is about?

Of course it is!
I'm a genius!

I'm not supposed to miss these things!

I'm becoming dumb!

Like you!

♪ La-di-di-di-da ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

The young lady who sits across
from me recently made big news

when she revealed her
amazing secret on Jay Leno.

Then she gave an in-depth
interview to Robin Roberts.

And today she's here with me,

Colin "Last In Line" Lassiter.

- I'm really sorry about that.
- Anyway, I'm thrilled to have you here.

- How's it going?
- Well, it's pretty good.

At first, taking off the wig
was a little bit scary,

but everyone's been great,
super supportive.

Even the paparazzi has been great.

See you out there tomorrow with peanut
butter balls and a coffee cart.

And did
she bring me anything? No.

Let's go to the phones
and see what America thinks.

Diane from Patchogue, Long Island,

you're on with the artist
formerly known as Hamah Montana.

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- What?

My daughter idolized you
and now you do this?

- What, all I did was tell the truth.
- A little late for that now!

How am I supposed to teach my kid to be
honest when her hero is nothing but a liar?

Ouch.

Well, I swear,
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I was just trying to do
what felt right for me.

Don't worry, sweetheart.
Some parents are a little over-protective.

It's not as if she's a licensed
child psychologist,

like Dr. Mark Lynch from Richmond,
Virginia, you're on the air.

Miley, I think you've done a
wonderful thing for yourself.

- Thank you, doctor.
- Unfortunately, it may prove

- catastrophic for children
everywhere. - Heh?

Hamah Montana
was real for children.

And, well, how do I say this
in a way you'll understand?

You k*lled her.

Wow, people hate you.

I swear, I really wasn't meaning
to hurt anybody. I love my fans.

Kind of makes you feel like
you made a mistake, doesn't it?

Well, I...
I don't know.

No, no, no. Pull it together, honey.
You're here for the whole hour.

All right.

You're on with Miley
Stewart, the dream k*ller.

♪ Ah, da-da ♪

♪ Ooh, ah, ooh ♪

Come on, darlin', it wasn't that bad.

Oh, really? Tell that to homemaker Carla Myres

from Dallas, Texas, who hates me!

Miley Ray Stewart, I am not goma let
you lie around here on this couch

drowning in self-pity and droolin'
all over my dry-clean onlys.

You got to move on.

- But how?
- By getting up on stage

and doing what you do best:
Entertaining people.

Hey, why don't you come and
be on my show Saturday night?

- Aunt Dolly, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.

Why don't I just wear
my bull's-eye costume

so all the Miley-hating food
f lingers have a nice big target!

Hey, come on, Mile.
I know it was tough on you out there today,

but, to be honest, most of
those people that called in

are a bunch of stopped-up
adults who probably don't have

enough fiber in their diets.

Yeah. Besides that,
those are not your fans anyway.

Your fanare young people
with very healthy imards.

Well, what if they hate me, too?

I just couldn't handle that.

You telling me you're just goma
let fear run your life? Ha!

That ain't the Miley Stewart I raised.

You won't be by yourself. I'm goma be
right there, your daddy's goma be there.

- Heck, yeah! - I bet you he'd
get up and sing with you.

- Heck, no!
- Did you just "heck no" me?

Heck, yeah.
I ain't getting up there.

- Why in the world not?
- Let me tell you something.

It's been almost ten years
since I've been on television.

What if they don't even remember me?

Styles change, people change.

I don't need to get on television and find
out I'm old news, thank you very much.

Oh, so you're just goma
let fear run your life?

Don't be throwing my words
back in my face, little missy.

So you're one of those "do
as I say, not as I do" daddies.

Don't you dare "do daddy" me, daughter.

Oh, really?
But you just said...

Hey, this isn't about me, it's about you.

If you don't get back up on that
stage now, you'll never get on it.

Oh, yeah, says the guy who's never
goma get "back up on that stage."

Hey, I'm the adult here.
I get to teach the lessons, not learn 'em.

That's the trade-off I get
for a saggy gut and droopy butt.

I camot believe you two scaredy cats,

worrying more about what others think
about you than believing in yourselves.

I'm sorry, Aunt Dolly, but I
can't get back on that stage.

And apparently, I'm not alone on that one.

♪ Ooh, ah, ooh ♪

Who's the dumbest guy on this pier?

I am.

Who got fooled by a family
of backwood bubbas?

I did.

What's two plus two?

I think it's four,

but it might be three with a wig on.

I love stupid Rico.

I sure am goma miss him.

What do you mean?

♪ You got fooled by Miley
and now you're blue ♪

♪ But here's a few smart folks
just as dumb as you ♪

- ♪ That Donald Tr*mp ♪
- ♪ Yes, he was stumped ♪

- ♪ How about Bill Nye? ♪
- ♪ That science guy ♪

♪ He never knew the wig
was a lie ♪

- ♪ A hairy lie ♪
- ♪ Albert Einstein ♪

♪ The smartest guy ever ♪

- ♪ Would he have known? ♪
- ♪ He wasn't that clever ♪

- ♪ No ♪
- ♪ She fooled them all ♪

♪ Yes ♪

That was so incredibly beautiful.

And it helped me uncover an
even bigger secret: You like me.

- No, I don't.
- Oh, yes, you do.

- Oh, no, I don't!
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do ♪

- ♪ Oh, yes, you do ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do ♪

- Shut up!
- ♪ Yes, you do ♪

♪ Hey, hey, yeah ♪

So, what you're saying, doctor,
is if this is Hamah Montana,

and these are the hearts
of children everywhere...

...this is what Miley
Stewart has done to them.

Join me tomorrow, when our
guest will be Barbara Evans,

the founder of MAMS:

Mothers Against Miley Stewart.

Enough, all right?!
You've been walled up in here

for three days watching this stuff.

You need to get out!

Let's go to the pier
or the movies, something!

Sure, let's go to that place
where everybody hates me,

or that other place
where everybody hates me.

Ooh! Ooh, no, we'll go to the place
with the really good nachos,

where everybody hates me!

Well, what are you goma do?

I mean, you can't live in here
for the rest of your life.

Here you go, Mr. Nummers.
And yes, you're welcome, Mommy's Little Man.

Hello, buddy.
How you doing?

Hey, there.

Somebody wants to say hello to Aunt Miley.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- But, Mommy, it smells in there.
- Just get in here!

- Hi, Aunt Miley.
- Ollie Jr.!

- Look how big you've gotten!
- Why don't you get dressed

- and come with Oliver in concert
with us tonight? - You're right.

Let me just go get myself all gussied up

to go to a place where everybody hates me.

Now, run along. I have a very
important ceremony to oversee.

I guess there's nothing
else we can do, Ollie.

Does that mean we never
have to come back here again?

- I wish.
- Out.

OK, my lovelies, we are gathered here today

to join Sir Francis Licks-A-Lot

and Kitty Von Cottonsocks
in Holy catrimony.

I believe you've written your own meows.

You just had a fantasy of yourself


- Yep.
- Lots of cats?

- Yep.
- You ready to face the world?

- Nope.
- But your fantasies

always drive you to do the right thing
in an educational and entertaining way.

Well, that was before
the dang secret was out.

Hey, and if Ollie Jr. can't pretend to
like his Auntie Miley, he can stay home!

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah Hey, yeah ♪

No! No!

I don't want to leave my bed.
My bed's my friend.

- It gives me warm blanket hugs.
- Miley, it's been a week, OK?

You're losing muscle tone and
getting flabby grandma arms.

Hey, just more saggy skin
for my kitties to play with.

Oh! Enough with the
kitties already!

Hey, Mr. Stewart! Jackson!
Dolly's show's starting!

Whoo! Oh, hey!

Oh, thank you!

Boy, we have got
a great show for y'all.

We have some of the biggest
names in music here tonight.

Yeah!

Hey, come on, guys, you're missing it!

- He's not up there.
- Where is he?

I'd like to start by introducing
an old friend of mine.

Well, actually, he hasn't
been around in a while.

And I am just tickled as punch

that he has decided to make tonight

his big comeback onstage.

How about it for my buddy, Robby Ray!

Come on out here!

Found him!

Thanks, Dolly.

Uh, I have to admit, I was a little nervous

about coming out here tonight.
It's been a while.

But I've always told the people I love
that you shouldn't let fear run your life,

and it's about time I started
living by those words.

Come on!

♪ Seems just like yesterday ♪

♪ When it was miles ago ♪

♪ We were so young at heart ♪

♪ And eager to know ♪

♪ Why some people had it all ♪

♪ And still had
nothin' to lose ♪

♪ But we had
our dreams in hand ♪

♪ And the freedom
we could choose ♪

♪ It feels like
the right time ♪

♪ To step into the light ♪

♪ Feels like the right time ♪

♪ To feed that hope inside ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Rascal Flatts, everybody!

We'll be back before I can say,
"Buy my new book."

Oops! Too late.
See you in a bit.

Robby Ray Stewart, I am so proud of you.
You did a great job!

I just wish Miley could have seen it.

Well, I'm sure she was watching.

- Thank you so much, Dad.
- Obviously, she's here.

- Is it too late, Aunt Dolly?
- Too late?

It's never too late to
kiss those fears goodbye.

- I guess that means you wama go on.
- Yeah.

I'm goma tell them.

She's something, ain't she?
Knock 'em out, bud.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm back, I'm back!

Thank you.

Well, I want to introduce
somebody to you now

that's been getting
a lot of criticism lately.

But she's not goma let that stop her
from doing what she loves to do,

and that is singing for you.

How about a wonderful hand
for my beautiful goddaughter,

Miley Stewart!
Get out here, girl!

You go get 'em.

We love you, Miley!

I love you, too.

One, two, three...

♪ Whatcha waitin' for?
An opportunity to knock? ♪

♪ Come on, it's at your door You're
crazy if you leave it locked ♪

♪ You know you gotta let it in
And finally I know it, too ♪

♪ The question's what it's always
been So, what are you goma do? ♪

- ♪ Blow ♪
- ♪ Another chance ♪

- ♪ No ♪
- ♪ I understand ♪

- ♪ Yo ♪
- ♪ If you're comin', hello ♪

♪ Kiss it goodbye ♪

♪ Your fear
is holding you back ♪

♪ Kiss it goodbye ♪

♪ Kiss it goodbye ♪

♪ Kiss it goodbye ♪

♪ Kiss it goodbye ♪

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you.