03x12 - Joshua

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on House of Lies...

Rich little 14-year-old over here thinks he got the moves.

Biter?

Biter.

Listen. I don't care what your grandpa said.

When I tell you to do something, you...

You take Colossal Foods, I take Free Range.

We share a little intel, play both companies against the middle, keep them on the hook forever.

I just landed us a multi-year contract with the Department of Justice.

That is huge.

And the small caveat is that we need to dump DollaHyde.

Oh. See, that's a big caveat.

What if I could deliver some incriminating financial records on Lukas Frye and Dre Collins?

Could we trade that for the DOJ contract?

Absolutely.

Hey...

What?

I love you.

Hey.

You're here.

Yep.

It's my house.

Right.

Are you making me breakfast?

I am.

Pancakes.

Look at this.

See? You gotta whip the sh*t out of these eggs whites.

Uh-oh.

What?

I just got very turned on when you said that.

Oh.

Marty?

Yeah?

Whatever this is, I really like it.

Me, too.

Can we keep doing it?

Yeah, we can keep doing it.

Let's keep doing it.

For a really long time.

Okay.

We're gonna do this, right?

I mean, we gotta do it.

I don't think I can, again.

I mean, I want to... but I don't... honestly, I don't think I can handle it.

Oh, come on.

You-you know what I meant.

Okay. Yes.

You're saying yes to a real date?

A real date.

For reals.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Jeannie, I will make a f*cking reservation, okay?

Okay.

Make it.

I'll be there.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm serious.

No, don't...

I got to, I got to.

Come on.

Dougie.

No Doug.

Sorry, Doug.

Mama says no.

Oy.

Busy.

Doug again.

No.

No.

We already had this discussion.

It's Clyde.

Doug, again.

Hey.

Hi, Doug.

Clyde, slow down, man.

Are you crying?

What?

Bullshit.

f*ck me.

No unauthorized personnel...

Yeah, these...

Do you have any idea what this is about?

No.

I have no idea.

Hey.

Excuse me.

Do you mind telling me what the f*ck is going on?

Actually, yeah, I do.

Who the f*ck are you?

Watch yourself.

I'm... Jesus.

I'm Marty Kaan.

This is my company.

And... and hers.

Could I see some ID?

Some ID.

Man of the hour.

My professional opinion, you are deeply f*cked.

This doesn't say what it is specifically that you're looking for.

What do you think I'm looking for?

Seriously, Columbo?

How 'bout you just tell me what it is you are looking for?

Then maybe I can help you guys find it.

Marty, I think we just need to call Ben Hyam.

Yeah, or you and your friends can get the f*ck out of my office until we can reach counsel.

How about that?

You don't have that luxury, Mr. Kaan.

I'm just here executing a warrant.

You can go in the conference room and wait with your associates.

Or not.

I didn't give you a choice.

You can do that now.

Okay.

Let's go.

What did they say?

We can't leave.

We can't leave.

What is going on, huh?

Who did this?

Was it your f*cking crazy bitch ex-wife?

Is that who did this?

Well, you know, I'm not actually experiencing an enemy shortage at this point, but if I was guessing, I'm gonna say...

It's gotta be about DollaHyde.

It's 100%...

No, no. We have no exposure on that.

They're not gonna prosecute you for k*lling Lukas's dog.

We don't know that, Clyde.

Really? The FBI is gonna be here I have blood on my hands.

'Cause you gave a little bit of chocolate to a f*cking dog.

Hey, hey, do we need to do this right now? Please?

Okay, I'm fine.

That's not all.

I probably need to... air something out that may or may not come to light in the course of this investigation.

Spill it, Guggenheim.

Here goes. Okay, Marty, you know that I-I-I tend to be a little... what, humorous, devil-may-care, uh, hell, even insouciant in my e-mails.

Okay. And, uh, so I may or may not have referred to you as a "Stalinesque man-child who's threatened by my Ivy League education."

Okay.

So humorous.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

So it's a joke.

It's a joke.

Great.

And, uh, Jeannie as a "come-guzzling backwater gutter slut."

Jesus.

In context, it's-it's funny.

And I like Stalin.

So let's not forget that.

The man stopped h*tler, so big fan, right?

And there may be more.

Lots and lots and lots more, okay?

But I want you all to know that it's all in good fun.

And I know that you're, you know, suffering and worried about your business surviving, and blah, blah, blah, but my novel was on my hard drive...

Oh, I'm sorry, what...

I'm sorry, it sounded like you said your "novel."

Yeah, that's right, Marty, some of us have literary ambition, and, uh, well, I would thank you not to besmirch that.

No, no, 'cause that would be Stalinesque.

Ho-ho-ho!

So, Doug, we are trapped here in this f*cking conference room, and we do need a little diversion... and because Please don't.

You will never, ever have another chance to do this, because literally, at any other point in our lives, we'd rather be eating sh*t-encrusted razor blades than listen to this bullshit.

Marty...

Oh, let's... elevator pitch.

What's your novel about?

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

You have to get on that side of the table to pitch it? Would you please, Clyde!

Imagine, if you will, in the sci-fi/fantasy realm... and now please understand that I use the genre to mask its profound social relevance... a deeply erotic exploration of interplanetary love, a multi-galactic Romeo and Juliet probing, if you will... pun intended... the semiotics of love, sex, the burden of genius... uh, in a dystoptian society. Now, Nope.

We open... That's a wrap.

You got a couple words in, though... that's good for you.

Are you kidding me?

You just said that I could do it.

You just said "dystopian."

What the f*ck is that?

Marty, do you have any of those sh*t- encrusted razor blades?

Because I am f*ckin' starving.

Okay, well, I got one right here.

Pop it in my mouth.

There we go.

Oh, it's sh*t, though.

But I want another.

Got another.

The dedication page says: "To Doug Guggenheim, for doing it."

Hey. I left you a message.

What the f*ck, Samantha?

I mean... what the f*ck?

Jeannie...

No! g*dd*mn it, I told you about DollaHyde, but I never sent you the g*dd*mn books, and I decided not to move forward, and... you f... you f*cked me?

Uh, in case you were unaware, one of the subjects of this investigation was m*rder*d since we last spoke.

Yes, I am very well aware, because I got his f*cking brains Jeannie... all over my new shoes. Thanks.

You of all people should understand blind ambition.

But...

I have... a very good thing...

I had... a good thing going, and this is...

Look, Jeannie, I told you when this came up it was a rough road to take, and you said you wanted to take it.

And just so you know, it'll probably get a lot worse.

I'm gonna try to protect you, but we shouldn't speak.

There is nothing It'll compromise this investigation.

To...

Samantha?

f*ck.

Oh, yeah, I hear you, Jimmy.

No, no, no, I hear you, and if I were you, I would feel exactly the same way.

But thankfully, I'm not you, and I can see the bigger picture.

Let me paint it for you, 'kay?

In one week, this thing is a blip on the radar, and you, in that panicky way that you are undoubtedly working with your therapist on, realize that you have sh*t-canned the best f*cking consultants on the planet, who will never, ever take you back in a million years after your cowardly act of abandonment. And then you are left with that old, so familiar feeling again, Jimmy: Oh, no, I f*ckin' blew it, I f*ckin' hate myself, I am a piece of CEO sh*t at the far reaches of the CEO universe!

Or, alternate painting: You stick with K&A, and as our loyal client you soar to the top of the pile, K&A works harder for you than ever before, platforming you into bigger and better market positions. Pretty soon, you're making so much f*cking money that, quite frankly, you're a little embarrassed, Jimmy. But your young, sexy wife is literally doing backflips on your Cialis-engorged cock.

And... yes, I know, I've seen the missus... and your children, oh, they-they actually worship you as their godhead.

You want to pick up that third crib? Get it.

Oh, the yacht with the helipad?

Pick that sh*t up, too.

Your cojones are the size of f*cking basketballs and you're a g*dd*mn winner, Jimmy.

Now you tell me, which painting do you...?

Oh, you like the second one?

Okay, you're welcome.

Ah!

Ha!

Okay?

Doug, that's what this is gonna look like for the next, you know...

Marty, I can't do that.

Doug, you and Clyde just f*cking find out who brought the hammer down, okay, and squash this sh*t.

I need to know if it's an internal thing.

Jeannie and I are gonna focus on keeping the clients from jumping ship.

Should we be taking Will and his pod off the road?

No, we need to be in Act As If Mode for the foreseeable future.

Anybody inside the business asks, things are great.

Just... f*cking... great.

Great.

Great. Yeah.

Great.

So, what, you don't need consultants anymore, Blaine?

What are you gonna do, you gonna go to Kinsley?

Are you kidding me?

That f*cking toxic...

You-You gonna go to the wreckage of Galweather?

No, you're gonna stay with me, Marty f*cking Kaan.

Are you joking?

It's a loyalty issue, Blaine.

You know, back in the day, everything we did was because of loyalty.

Yeah. You sh*t all over Skip Galweather, I stayed loyal as a g*dd*mn spaniel.

You did, you did, and I was very appreciative of that.

But this is f*cking end of days.

In this environment, you go with a Marty Kaan because he's a winner...

That's right.

Not because of loyalty.

So what are you trying to f*cking tell me, Blaine?

Marty... you're not a winner anymore.

I'm not a winner.

Are you kidding me?

Whoa! A finger?

Really?

That necessary?

Power-walking f*ck.

Uh-huh, and how's the baby?

Absolutely, 11 is not at all a baby... anymore.

Um, but you know, she'll always be your baby.

He. He will always be your baby.

Go ahead. So?

So, as I was saying, Marty, you made a real point of never confusing this business relationship for a friendship.

I mean, there was a moment there where we both thought...

New f*ckin' bestie, brah.

Yeah.

No, but you wanted to keep it straight up bid-ness, homie.

And we respect that.

Much respect.

So in that same spirit, Marty...

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

You're f*cking fired.

Dismissed.

Boo!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I'm getting fired by the guys who brought me vag*na perfume?

It's a new low.

New low.

New low.

New low.

New low.

Aw, Marty.

Marty! Do not pass go, do not collect Dushkin dollars.

Oh, why so serious?

Marty, Marty, we're totally f*cking with you, man. Come on. Yeah.

It's us, it's us. Come on back, come on back. No, you're still fired!

You're f... Oh!

Oh!

Oh, hey, Dad.

Uh-huh. Where you going?

Just to sh**t around.

Hey, Grandpa, come on. Let's go.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

sh**t around? Who's gonna be there?

I don't know.

Whoever's ballin'.

Just whoever?

I don't know.

Maybe Ethan, Coltrane.

Maybe Lex.

Dad, what does it matter?

No, Roscoe.

Are you forgetting the tears, the mascara all over my shirt?

Dad. Dad. You want to go through that again? Because this is where it's headed.

You understand that? Hey.

I-I told him that he could go.

Look, I-I feel it's important for him to work this out for himself.

Oh, you feel?

Can I talk to you over here for a second?

Pop, I tell him he can't go.

Then you tell him he can go.

Okay, don't you think that undermines my authority a little bit?

No, no. You're right.

You're right.

When you're right, you're right, okay?

But I was just thinking that, you know, Roscoe and Lex need to go through this for themselves.

We can't help 'em with that.

Grandpa, can we please go now?

You have to ask your father.

Oh.

Yeah, go ahead, man.

Thanks, Dad.

Lex, come on!

What's with you, fat ass?

Go out! Go out! Go out!

Foul for touching.

Ah.

Oh. Ah!

Hey!

I need a screen!

Give me the ball, give me the ball, give me the ball.

You're not open!

Damn it.

Who's the big dog now, huh?

Hey, Lex, overcompensate much?

Oh, shut up, Ethan.

Ooh, I'm scared.

I said shut the f*ck up!

Hey! Can we just chill for a second?

We done playing?

I'm definitely done.

Yeah, p*ssy boy's done.

Relax.

f*ck you.

I think I'm gonna head home.

Wait.

Your turn.

What?

You kiss him.

The hell? No. Get off of me. Kiss him.

You want to. Do it. You've been wanting to for months now.

Lex, what the f*ck?

Just f*cking do it!

What? Can't handle the truth being shoved in your face, f*gg*t?

f*ck you, Lex!

Sorry, guys.

I'm just f*cking with y'all.

Jesus.

I got to go.

Me, too.

f*ck.

It's like, I don't want to be in your f*cking book club, you know, and talk about Jonathan Franzen until I blow my brains out, but now I can't say that to her, so... now I'm in the f*cking book club.

And...

I know.

You know, this got me through today.

It really did. Thank you.

Me, too, Marty.

I'd close my eyes and... you know, just thinking about these past few days with you and where we're headed and...

I'd just kind of drift away from the f*cking misery, you know?

It's like I didn't even care they were carrying the computers out the door.

I'm really happy to be here with you.

All this bullshit that we've been through, I think... that somehow I knew that we were gonna wind up... here, something real, you know?

It's f*cking amazing, right?

It is.

I don't...

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I just keep thinking, what if this all gets...

I don't know... goes to hell?

With this investigation thing?

What if they really blow it wide open?

This amazing company.

It won't. But what if it does?

And what if...

I-it takes the... this... company and destroys it?

I really...

I r...

f*ck me.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, that was the world's shortest relationship.

No.

I'm kidding.

No, no.

I... That's not...

Jeannie, I was kidding.

I don't feel good. My stomach...

Oh. D-Do you want to go?

Yeah, probably.

Okay.

Sorry.

It's all right. Excuse me.

Could-could you find our server?

I think we're gonna take off.

Hi. I need to, um...

L-Let me go first, okay?

Uh, at we need is an index of all our accounts and where we stand in terms of keeping them.

That's a good idea. Okay, and then we just build a model that predicts the statistical likelihood of us keeping or losing the account.

Then we just put in the requisite time and effort based on the outcome. I think that's great.

I-I just need two minutes of your uninterrupted attention.

Hey.

Hey, guys. Um...

Okay.

We have some info.

Uh, all right.

You say it.

I... No, I'll say it.

All right, you tell the first part...

Will you guys f*cking please?

We're in the clear on DollaHyde.

They came in looking for two sets of books they thought we had and they found absolutely nothing.

Right, because we had nothing.

That's great.

But-but, um, they-they did find some pretty incriminating paper on the Colossal Foods and Free Range deals.

f*ck.

Collusion, conspiracy.

No.

Now the CEO of Free Range wants to see you cooked in a vegan casserole.

Who the f*ck let the Feds in on this thing in the first place?

I mean, how'd they even know about the two sets of books?

We have absolutely no idea.

We've been searching. No idea.

Jeannie, what did your friend at the DOJ say?

Um...

Um...

I told her about the books.

What do you mean you told her about the books?

I mean I told her.

Wait, what am I missing?

Wh-What's the play? Why?

Because I wanted the DOJ gig, and I... offered her the DollaHyde books.

But I never...

After Lukas got k*lled, she... she just f*cking did it.

Can you guys give us a minute, please?

I've never been an honest person, Marty.

It's... I just...

Never seemed like a viable option.

Me, either.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Please, Marty.

Jeannie, this was not easy, but you're in the clear.

They're letting you skate.

You have the right to remain silent...

Call Ben Hyam, all right, tell him... tell him to meet me downtown with a bail agreement.

All right, get back to work.

All right, nothing's changed.

Things to do.

Don't talk to the f*cking press, everybody.

Here he comes.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, thanks, you know.

I appreciate...

Mm. Yeah. Get in.

Okay, uh, usually I sit...

She called shotgun. You want to get in the car before they change their mind?

Get in the car. We got to make it to the Valley.

What's in the Valley?

Get in the car.

So...

I, uh, spent a decent amount of time with my lawyer, and things are not looking too good for me.

Everything points to a pretty aggressive prosecution, followed by a deadly bankruptcy of Kaan and Associates unless I'm effectively removed from the company.

In all likelihood, I'm gonna get worked over pretty good in the courtroom, but if I want the company to survive,

I have to be out completely, not hanging around on the sidelines in some advisory capacity, but gone.

I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie?

You out-Martied Marty Kaan.

Keys to the kingdom are yours.

Marty, I never meant to...

All I wanted... all I want...

Is what?

You.

Meow.