01x07 - Peacocks and Pumas

[bunniefuu]

♪

Oh, hi. I'm Betty.

I'm the broker for this listing.
Are you here for the open house?

You put my condo on the market?

[laughing]

Yeah, did a lot of people
show up?

I priced it to move.

Betty from Orbit is very angry.

She kicked over the For sale
sign right in front of me.

Yeah, I interviewed
a lot of brokers

and she was particularly unhinged.

I gave her your cell.

This is totally disproportionate

to my last prank on you.

Are you kidding me?

You made me think I had
a chance with Collette.

You obviously don't have
a chance with Collette

and this could affect
my credit score.

- Uh, hey. Hey guys.
- I hope so.

Can I talk to everyone
really quick?

Retaliation will be outsized
and devastating

and at a time of my choosing.
Ok?

Is that now?

I'm late. I know.

My son stuck a Lucky Charm
up his nose.

Also I slept in.
I'm sorry.

Guys!

I have just received
an intra-department memo

It's pretty serious. An Officer
Whelon from precinct 2.1

was hurt on the job today.

What happened?

Apparently, he stepped on a rake

and then he fractured
his occipital bone.

[Victoria snickers]

Were Moe and Curly anywhere
near the scene?

No.

And was there a coconut sound

when the rake hit him
in the face?

[snickers]

Ok. I just need you all to be

very careful on the job, alright?

Just, please wear your PPE, ok?

Amen, guys.

That's why we should all be
wearing our rake helmets.

Hey. Did you list
your apartment?

What about?

[theme song]

♪

You know, this is
my first weekend

since the breakup with Camila

where I wasn't
completely miserable.

I think I might have
turned a corner.

You know, you don't want
to heal too fast.

There's something to be said

for staying in that sad,
very, very quiet space.

For a couple of months even.

Well, seems like you had
a good weekend.

Kudos on the prank
with Victoria.

Thanks, I didn't get much sleep

'cause I was falsifying
tons of documents.

You guys go at it.
I love the dark flirting.

The what?

Dark flirting.

It's like you have
this love language

of humiliation and revenge.

We're not flirting, we're just
coworkers goofing around

to k*ll time at the office.

Got it. Totally.

Though the prank did happen
at her condo on a Sunday.

[Dispatch] Truck 12,

report of a noise disturbance
for a peacock

in a residential neighborhood,


Truck 12 responding.

Peacock!

[Patel] I know it's a prank,

but it's not a terrible time
for you to sell.

Oh, really?

Market's gonna soften.

Be a good time
for you to get liquid.

Play in other sectors.

Maybe mix use warehouses.

I'm not sure how much I like
real estate, Patel.

He's always working an angle.

I just don't want you
to miss out.

See? Stuff like that.

How does Maya feel
about real estate, Patel?

Certainly doesn't mind making
a little extra cheddar.

Ugh.

[peacock calls]

Hi. Animal Control.

Yeah.

Three guesses why we're here.

I just put the peacock
in the backyard.

The neighbors complain again?

I told them, all you have to do
is call me

if it gets too loud...

I hope you're here
to confiscate that bird.

Why don't you take it easy, Jen?

You take it easy, Brent.

- Get in the truck.
- Why?

It's about to go south.

They are just people.

They're not people,
they're neighbors.

- Get in the truck.
- [Neighbor] Do something
about it!

Ok, folks, I recently got out
of a long-term relationship.

Why didn't it work?
A lot of reasons.

Cultural differences, distance,

but mainly, we talked
past each other.

So let's not do that, ok?

Brent's already said if
the peacock gets too loud

he can just call him.

Well Brent's a liar.

Why don't you say
that again, Ted?

[grunts]
Oh!!!

[Neighbor] That bird's
gotta go!

No, guys!
Everybody calm down!

Stop! I'm telling you to stop.

Oh!

Ughhh!!

Jeez.

You alright?

Melons?

My god, Jen.

Ok.

Really, I'm fine.

This is exactly what
I was worried about.

Shred, I really think you need
to go to the hospital.

They're just gonna tell me
to follow concussion protocols.

I've been through this before.

Rest for 12 hours
and try not to sleep.

Someone should watch him.

Like a partner?

Like one, but not exactly one.

I'll do it.

What are you trying to get
out of at home?

Sixth grader slumber party.

Eight girls, three cliques,
there will be no winners.

Are you gonna take
his care seriously?

Totally. What platforms
you working with?

Xbox, Playstation.

That'll do.
You like Thai food?

Not really.

You're probably
just ordering wrong.

I'll walk you through it.
Let's roll.

Ok, no strobing lights, though!

He's in good hands.

Oh, my gosh.
Dispatch is getting inundated

with complaints
about the peacock.

Can't we just confiscate
the bird?

Good luck.

We can't take the bird
unless it makes noise

for three continuous minutes
and it has to be recorded.

We all know where
this is going, right?

Stakeout.
Like on the force.

Yeah, I always hated
the rampant corruption

but I always loved a stakeout.

A stakeout. Sure.

Um, you should probably team up
with someone on this though.

No. He looks way too excited.

Great. I'll need an unmakes car
with hideaway lights

and a trucker buddy.

I don't know what that is.

Portable urinal.
I'll go change into my streets.

I'm sorry.

No. No, no, no.

He can't just urinate with me
in the car.

I hope he doesn't.

[video game sounds]

[Patel] Dude, watch your six.
Watch your six!

[Shred] I thought you were
watching my six.

You're dead.

My brains are everywhere.

That's a concussion
you don't recover from.

Try the wings.

Ok. I've never had
one of these.

A little spicy.

- Woah! Whoa!! Wait!
- Ride the beast.

- No. This is hot!
- Ride the beast.

- No, I want water, man.
- No! Eat something.

That'll put it out.

The curry's probably
a bad call though.

Ugh! Ow!
Why does this exist, man?!

- That's very spicy.
- Who eats this?

- Eat the rice.
- The Rice? Oh.

You bastard, dude.
It's so hot.

[Patel chuckles]

What the hell?

Wait for it.

For what?

Oh! Whoah!

I feel all buzzy.

That's the endorphins
kicking in.

Your mouth just stuck
a half pipe, bro.

You got anything hotter?

You warrior.
I love it.

Just so you know, there is
a second surge wave coming.

It's gonna hit land
in about six hours.

I'm not worried about it.

You should be.

Shall we clear the Al-Qaeda cell
from downtown Dayton?

Let's show Ohio what is up.

[video game music turns up]

Bro, you need to stay
with me this time.

[knocking]

Are you expecting someone?

No. Protect my guy.
He's fast, but he's not strong.

It's so fun!

Emily?

Hey. Can I come in?

- Of course, yeah. Come on.
- Ok.

[laughing]

I was worried about you.

Why?

Bro! You just got another
traumatic brain injury.

Oh, hey Emily.

[music stops]

Patel! What... loud music?

Bright strobing lights?
Violent images?

Are you kidding me?

What? No, he's fine.
Right, bro?

I think the second wave's
hitting early.

[stomach gurgles]

Thai food.

Ah, journaling your thoughts
with a pen and paper.

That's cute.

I always figured that we're
not of the same generation.

How was the w*r?

I am logging in my log book.

This is so dumb.

- Time in.
- What?

- Start clocking the squawks.
- Okay.

[peacock calling]

Remember, we need to record

three straight minutes
of squawking for the lawyers.

Man, I love all animals

but what exactly is the upside
to this pet?

Time.

Seven seconds.

Oh. This could be
a very long night.

[sighs]

Oh, we gotta go over
the ground rules.

There's really only one rule,

which is no pranking
on stakeouts.

Why?

It's just a request.
Would you please respect it?

Sure.

You're not gonna respect it.

No, I'm not.
[chuckles]

What are you doing?

Oh my gosh!
A little big jumpy there, Frank.

Don't forget to write that
in your log book.

"8:07PM, Frank has the yips."

Ok. How are you feeling?

I'm really ok.

No headaches or nausea?

Touché!

[Yells] Patel!

[whispers] I'm so sorry.

You are officially fired
as nurse.

Alright, you can go home.

We were actually having fun.

Yeah.

Fun is not the
primary objective.

It's to avoid a seizure.

I'm almost sure I haven't
had a seizure.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he hasn't
had a seizure.

Definitely not a major one.

Yeah, I, no...

Well, I can take it from here.
I cleared my night.

Oh, wait.
Now I feel bad.

Did you have big plans?

Yeah, I did.

I don't want to go into details,
but they were substantial plans.

That sounds made up.

It's not made up.

Well I can't go home.
The girl's slumber party!

Oh yeah. We've been following
it on social media.

The Kaitlyn and Lucile thing
came to a head

and guess where Rose ended up?

Yep.

- On the outs.
- The outs.

Alright. Well, if you are
going to stay

then we all need to be
mellow and chill.

Ok.

How chill?

Like, um...
Like board game chill.

Sounds great. Shred, go
and prepare the funeral.

- For the buzz?
- For the buzz.

French fry?

Sprinkled with laxatives?
No thanks.

If it was laced with laxatives

wouldn't I have gotten
you your own bag?

You tell me.
The stakeout was really sudden

so you could have a ton
of dangerous ideas in the works

but not had a chance
to think them through.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you so obsessed
with pranks

when being on the receiving end
is clearly t*rture for you.

I'm not obsessed.

It's just something
I've always done.

Being on the force,
growing up with brothers.

Easy access to fireworks.

It's not my theory.

You got a theory?

I do. It's a simple one,
but yeah.

- Ok.
- You have intimacy issues.

[scoffs]

And pranks are a way to keep
people at arms length.

- Intimacy issues?
- Yeah.

How sad.
It's just pure projection.

It's very lazy police work,
Officer Sands.

Ok, that is not projection.

I get intimate two to three
times a week.

Sometimes more in summer months.

Maybe it's not actual intimacy

and it's just you trying to fill
a bottomless well of need.

Oh, wow.
Kitty got claws.

Look, stakeouts
can get pretty real

and they can be
powerful moments...

Please stop talking.
I don't want to talk.

And I'm freezing.
Doesn't this thing have heat?

Yeah, right here.

[laughing] Got ya!
Oh, my gosh!

[laughing]

That went even better
than planned.

Talc? That's the big prank?

You should see your face.

[camera shutting clicks]
[Victoria laughs]

You know, if I could see it,

it would be a look of
profound disappointment

because, where's
the pageantry?

Where the intricate planning?

There should be bees
coming out of the vent.

Yeah, I know it's old school
but you didn't see it coming.

- [peacock calling]
- Time in. Start the clock.

Here we go.

You're a jackass.

[chuckling]

Ok, this is gonna be
so much fun.

Does everyone have their tea?

Yay.

I am gonna have to call dibs
on this thimble.

Oh. I've always been
a wheelbarrow man.

- Really?
- Mmhmm.

How married are we
to this music?

Yeah, is this, uh, folk?
Elevator folk?

- Is that a thing?
- What is it?

It's a playlist off
the restorative channel.

Well, I'm battling 11 years
of parenting exhaustion

and I'm gonna need
some stimulus here.

Have some tea, bro.

Yeah, get some dandelion
up in you.

- It's good, right?
- It is.

Oh god.

- [peacock calling]
- Just ten more seconds!



Ugh!

You have got to be kidding me.

This bird is good.

Hey, uh, sorry about the
bottomless well of need comment.

I have no business knocking you
for wanting to enjoy your life.

I have fun.
But it does get exhausting.

I've been waking up pretty
wretched the morning after.

That's called a hangover,

and they only get worse
when you get older.

You know, I always give you crap
about your age.

Hm.

But I don't even
see you as old.

Ok. Whatever.

I need caffeine,

so I'm gonna head around
the corner to the gas station

and get us a coffee.

Yeah, yeah that sounds
pretty good, rookie.

[laughs]

Dang. Baltic Ave again.

Oh. Patel, I owe you
more rent.

Patel?

- [snoring]
- Mm.

Hey. Hey.

Ok, he's like totally asleep.

Poor guy ran around like a top
and just tuckered himself out.

You know, he's actually
a really fun guy.

Well, maybe he
can still be fun.

What are you thinking?

Well, I am annoyed at him

that he dropped the ball
on taking care of you

and the depth of his slumber is,
um... an opportunity.

Emily Middle Name Price.
What'd you have in mind?

A big L on the forehead?

You know what?
I'm gonna surprise you.

And you.

Ah... Ugh... Ah...

Oh, come on. Wake up, leg.
Come on.

[alarm sounding]

What?

Are you Ebeneezer Dawkins?

I'm Frank Shaw
with Animal Control.

Do you have some ID?

Sure.

Could you come with me?

What's going on?

Now don't get agitated,
I'm trying to help you.

Ok. Ah, ooh.
There it is again.

Ah! I can't sit for
that long anymore.

There was a silver alert
put out earlier this evening

for an Ebeneezer Dawkins

matching your description
with possible dementia

who wandered off
from a seniors centre.

Just look at my ID.

Yeah, that's you,
Ebeneezer Dawkins.

That... clearly this is
a fake ID.

My partner must have made it.
Do I look 79?

Let me me get you in the light
here, buddy.

Yeah, you're more like,
you know, 60.

What?

[laughing]

That was worth it all.

Hey, what's going on here?

Just a whole lot of gratitude
for first responders like you.

Be careful, it's hot.

That's my partner,

we're Animal Control and clearly
she is pulling a prank.

Oh, you're kidding me?

It's a crime to send out a fake
alert, you know that, right?

I do now.

But I feel like you're probably
gonna let me get away with it.

That's true.

[laughs]

Don't do it again.

Me?

- Bye.
- Good night.

[cell phone chimes]

And now, I am getting texts
from like everyone.

Oh yeah, an alert went out
to the entire state.

Western Canada too.

[laughs]

[peacock calling]

Time.

You gonna be snippy all night
because I bested you?

Time!

A minute, thirty.

- [peacock squealing]
- [crash sounds]

What the hell was that?

[devouring sounds]

It's him. It's C-38.

I think we solved
our peacock problem.

Not the best solution,
because he ate it.

And now we have
to sedate him.

I can't do it.

You're just sedating him.

No, we tranq him
then we have to report it

and that he's been k*lling pets

in a residential area then
they'll have to destroy him.

Well, he doesn't seem so
un-dangerous right now.

I can't.

[snarling and growling]

[Victoria] Frank!

[g*n fires]

That's actually really good.

I can't believe
he didn't wake up.

I kind of want to check
his vitals.

[both laugh]

I was wondering something.

What? What's that?

Do you ever, like,
miss snowboarding?

No.

I mean, I got to do more of it

than most people get to do
in a lifetime,

so how can I complain, right?

And what is it anyway?

You go up a hill in a chair

and then you go back
down the hill.

Except your body's like
a rocket ship

if a rocket ship could surf

and mountains were like


You sound completely
over it, so...

- Yeah.
- That's good. That's good.

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah, no.
I don't miss it at all.

Mmhmm. So, I actually have
one more question for you.

Hm?

Do you have a feather?

Do I have a feather?

I'm sorry.

Heck, you were just trying
to save my life.

Yeah, which you still haven't
said thank you for, by the way.

Hm.

This is really tearing
you up, huh?

Yeah. Not a lot in this world
I admire.

C-38? It's just who he is.

Doesn't apologize,
doesn't compromise.

Just a creature in perfect
harmony with his surroundings.

And then people came
and messed it all up.

It kills me I'm the one
that did him in.

Who's to say you did him in?

I reckon he'll be safe up here.

Wow, in this light you can
really see how muscled he is.

Seriously, if you want
some alone time with him

I can wait in the truck.

He's waking up.

Bye, buddy.

[laughing]

Oh!

Ugh. I'm sorry.
I must have fallen asleep.

Yeah. You were...
you were in and out.

What time is it?

Uh, it's almost midnight.

Oh. I better go relieve Maya.

You ok, man?

Oh, yeah. I'm all good.

Obviously I only came here
to get away from my family

and play with your stuff,
but this was good.

It really was.

And you, Madame Boss Lady,

I'm sorry we gave you
a hard time.

Don't worry about it, Luigi.

Maybe just leave
the jokes to us.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Alright, I gotta go
lay down the law

with some incredibly
mean-spirited sixth graders.

Good night.

[Emily] Good night.

[both chuckle]

You know that if they find
out about this

we could lose our jobs?

Yeah.

So, here we find ourselves
having to trust each other.

Which I know is hard for you
with the intimacy stuff.

It is a very unnatural feeling.

Maybe we should call it
a truce on the prank w*r?

- Absolutely.
- Right.

Victoria Sands?

Starting tomorrow.

Ready to talk enlistment?

I'm not even a US citizen.

Oh I don't think
you'll see combat,

but I just want to say,
in advance,

thank you for your service.

Where are you going?
No, don't...

[Shred] You know, I'm actually
kind of jealous

of Patel's moustache.

Do you want one?

Well, I can't seem to grow one

and Camila always
made fun of me for it.

Ok, well the artist
is in session.

Really?

Oh, yes.

Do it.

Ok. Look at you.

Just sit really still
so I don't mess up.

Ok, I'm ready.

This is serious.

You know, I never
asked you.

How did you end up getting
the job at Animal Control?

It's kind of embarrassing.

Uh, I was an administrator
at another precinct

and when Rick got injured,

um, my aunt who works for
the City kind of pushed for me

to get the promotion.

I don't think that makes
you unqualified.

Oh, good, 'cause, you know,
I wasn't worried about that,

but now I am.

No! No, no, no!
Oh, jeez.

No, 'cause you're like
so good at your job.

Oh, yeah.

You're like a natural leader.
For real. Really.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Ok, shut up so I can just
finish this.

Ok.

Alright, it's even.

It's good?

Ok, it's really good.

[romantic music]

[knocking]

Ok. I should get that.

Yeah.

♪

Patel must have
forgotten something.

Surprise.

Camila?

Did you grow a moustache?

[chuckles]