02x01 - Raccoons and Mutts

[bunniefuu]

It's mating season, Shred.

Birds do it mid-air, frogs
attached to other frogs,

a lot of dumpster humping.

Love is in the air.

[SCOFFS]

Love doesn't exist.

Are you still moaning about Emily?

- It's been months.
- She blew up my heart, Frank.

- You weren't even together.
- Well, I can't believe she chose Rick.

You never even told her you liked her.

Yeah, well, regrets, I have a few!

Alright, that's it. Get out.

I'm in a rare good mood
and you're bringing me down.

- Get out.
- I'm not getting out, okay?

I'm not on probation,
we are now partners.

Things have changed.

Well, I'm a senior partner
so I make the rules. Get out.

Senior partner is not
a recognized category

according to department regulations.

- I checked.
- Regulations also state

that you have to have
a stain-free uniform.

- Childish.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it's childish
and deeply satisfying.

[DISPATCH] All available units,

report of raccoons in a
bowling alley, 21 Capen Street.

Truck 12 responding, two minutes out.

[DISPATCH] Word of caution: The
raccoons appear to be inebriated.

That's kind of fun.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

They came in through the
A/C duct and hit the bar.

These guys all 21?

Yeah, this reminds me of
the X Games afterparty,

but with less raccoons.

These guys all 18?

Frank already made the
American version of that joke.

[SLAP] Nice.

Oh god. Guys, is he...

Satisfying a very specific fetish?

[CHITTERING]

Welcome to mating season, everyone.

This is why I own my own ball.

- Hey!
- Woah! Alright.

Let's get these trash
pandas in the truck.

Hey! Woah!

I want my little friend in lane 23.

Okay, raccoon.

You know what? It's a lot of
paperwork and wildly inhumane.

Come on, I'll let you
throw a ball at Shred.

- It's not the same.
- Shred, you seeing this?

[YELPS]

- We need quarters.
- Yeah.

- Do you have quarters?
- Uh...

There's more in the arcade.

You get the claw. I got the arcade.

If the kitchen's open
tell 'em to start frying.

I'm coming back hungry.

[ARCADE GAMES BLEEPING]

Hey, little buddy.

Going for a high score?

[THUD]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

♪

Oooh. Should I book the suite
with the private hot tub?

- Probably not.
- Too late, it's booked.

Seven glorious days and nights in Kauai.

It's on the rainy side
but I got a good deal.

Sorry, can a pregnant
woman even go in a hot tub?

Yeah, she can do a light
soak up to the mid-calf.

Oh, lucky her.

A Baby Moon is not just for the mother.

Yeah, but she's doing all the hard work.

What're you pushing out of your vag*na?

She booked none of this, no planning.

The hotel, the zip-line, the
massages, that was all me.

I need a vacation, okay? It's just...

This pregnancy is just...
[EXHALES] It's k*lling me.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at this guy.

You and Rick didn't get a dog, did you?

'Cause that'd be...

That's... I mean,
that's a big commitment.

No, I found him wandering
in the parking lot.

I'm gonna get him scanned,
see if I can find his family.

Oh, okay. Well um, good luck.

He's super cute.
Alright, see you around.

Oh yeah, just keep staring longingly.

That'll get it done.

Oh, don't break eye contact.
It'll break the spell.

I hope he finds a home

so he don't get creeped
out by you anymore.

- He wasn't creeped out.
- Hey, I forgot to tell you,

Victoria and I got Arkansas.

That's 46 license plates for
us which puts us in the lead.

- Arkansas?
- [PATEL] Mm-hmm.

- No, you didn't.
- We totally did, because up until now

I thought it was
pronounced "Ar-kansas".

It's not, and I'm very
confused as to how it's not.

And you just happened
to forget to tell us

that you got one of the
most elusive license plates,

only topped by a plate from
Puerto Rico or American Samoa?

Are you calling us liars?

I'm calling you lying sacks of liars.

Yeah, and I don't like to
use the L word but right now

- both of your pants are on fire.
- Okay, new rule.

The license plate does not
count unless it is accompanied

by a photo taken from inside the truck.

Because, again, dirty, lousy liars.

- I'll take the photos.
- Alright, everyone, listen up.

Hey, your smallness?
It has no effect on me.

In two weeks I'm gonna
be lounging on the beach

in a tropical paradise.

- Hey, speaking of the beach-
- Yeah. You'll be soaking in the rain, tight wad.

Intermittent showers.
It's actually lovely.

She said "listen up".

Thanks, Bettany. Um, I
can take it from here.

Alright. The floor is yours.

Okay. Um, actually, one small thought.

I know you've just been our
receptionist for a few weeks,

you're doing so great.
You go above and beyond,

um, but sometimes it's
like you go above and beyond

above and beyond.

Oh, copy.

Egg bites are on your desk.

Okay. Um, tremendous
job at the bowling alley.

I know it's easy to
forget but what we do here

is vital to the city.

And Patel, you should
probably get a rabies sh*t.

I'm still good for a few months.

Oh right, the bats.

I forgot.

Diego.

Hi, what're you doing here?

Uh, there's something I
need to talk to you about.

Yes, oh my god, you
called me. I'm so sorry.

- What's up?
- Uh, I met someone.

And I want a divorce.

Oh...

[SHRED] Divorce?

Guess we're not in Arkansas anymore.

[DIEGO] I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have blindsided you like that.

No, it's okay.

[LAUGHING]

Good to see you, Diego.

Okay, see ya.

What the hell?

You're married?

Guys, relax. It isn't
a real marriage, okay?

Diego is a DJ at a club
that I used to go to,

and I just needed a green card

so, like, it made sense
for us to just do the thing.

But there aren't supposed
to be any secrets in the cab.

I shared my colonoscopy
results with you.

You shared that with everyone.

At lunch. In color.

You all had to go
through the prep with me,

I owed you the payoff.

- Polyp free.
- [ALL] Polyp free.

Uh, not so fast.

Coffee is for naturalized citizens only.

Are you okay?

I mean, no, not really.
I'm kind of freaking out.

If I can't find another
way to get a green card

I'm gonna get kicked out
of your stupid country.

You should talk to Emily

'cause I think the
department could sponsor you.

Wait, really? Do they do that?

You know, I'm not sure,

but I am sure that I'm not
gonna visit you in New Zealand.

It's way too far away.

But, tell you what, meet
you halfway. Portland.

You should be nicer to
me. I just got divorced.

Wha... hi, Rick.

- Hi.
- I came by to score a few

extra boyfriend points.

What're you up to now, Rick? Three?

Oh, probably not that
many. But I do my best.

Ha, and he's humble.
He's the whole package.

We love Rick. [LAUGHS]

Awe, are these peonies?

They look like the ones we
saw at the flower market.

The same ones we saw
at the flower market.

Someone may have doubled
back, I don't know.

That's how you do it, people.

That's the kind of
attention this lady deserves.

Or is it too on the nose, Bettany?

I'm kidding.

It's so amazing you keep
showering Emily with gifts.

Come here.

- Wait, come on.
- Oh! Oh!

Careful!

Don't wanna crush 'em.
Don't wanna crush those.

I hate Rick. I hate him.

He always tries to act
like he's such a great dude.

- He is a great dude.
- I know he's a great dude!

Everyone knows he's a great dude.

I mean, he used eucalyptus
in that bouquet, Frank.

That's a quality filler.

I wish I could throw you
out of the truck right now,

preferably in motion.

You and I are not meant
to be on equal footing.

- Well, get used to it.
- It's unnatural.

Why are you always so critical?

I've told you about my
dad. I'm toning it down.

Don't even get me started on the fact

that we've literally never hugged.

Alright, Shred. You win.

What the... No, not the hug.

Look, clearly what I've been
doing is not shutting you up,

so what's gonna take
your mind off Emily?

Whatever that is, that's
what we're doing today.

Really? Like my own special day?

Like a Shred's Day?

More like a long lunch, but sure.

Whatever I want, you
promise not to judge me?

Oh, absolutely not.

Would you ask
Michelangelo not to sculpt?

I thought he was more of a nunchuck guy.

- Not the Ninja Turtle.
- I know!

This is amazing! I feel better already!

Excuse me, coming
through. It's Shred's Day.

Woo! Woo!

Come on, Frank! Join me!

Get some air, it's fun!

I've already bribed them to let
two childish adult men in here.

I've done enough.

Come on, double bounce
me! I need more height!

Double bounce me!

Woo!

[EMILY] I'm not gonna
let you get deported.

I don't want to lose you as
an officer or as a friend,

so I will call right now.

- Thank you.
- Line two, Rhonda, HR.

Wow, thanks Bettany.

She's so good.

Yeah. Rhonda, hi.

Yeah, we have a bit of a situation.

Uh, one of my best officers
might lose her green card

and I'd like to know the protocol

for the department to sponsor her.

Oh, what? Uh, wait, really?

We can't?

What? What is she saying?

Put... put her on speaker.

[RHONDA] So animal control officers

are not considered essential workers.

Oh, uh, no.

We are vital to the life of the city.

Then who is considered essential, huh?

[RHONDA] Police, firefighters
of course, anything IT related,

and sanitation workers.

So basically every
public service but us?

[RHONDA] Hold on a sec,
just looking at my list.

Yes, correct. Everyone but you.

Now, is there anything
else I can help...

[SLAMS PHONE DOWN]

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
figure something out.

Or I will become a
smoking hot garbage man.

Is Rhonda being an issue?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Central office, blue Nissan Leaf, right?

- You don't need to do anything, Bettany.
- Sounds like Rhonda.

Oh yeah, I hear you.

You don't want me to do
anything to Rhonda or her car.

- No.
- And it's important as my supervisor

that you get it on the record.

Yeah, okay.

Why is she smiling like that?

Bettany! Bettany!

She's great.

I touched the roof, Frank.

I haven't gotten that much
air since my snowboarding days.

You know, I gotta admit, when
you collided with those toddlers

- it put a smile on my face.
- It was funny.

And now be prepared
to have your mind blown

by the best waffles in the city.

Oh, and you can turn
this menu into a crown.

I am the king of Shred's Day.

- Oh, God.
- Please, just "king".

Okay, don't look, but
the server over there...

The one taking orders from
those uncrowned gentlemen?

That's the woman that ghosted me.

That's Yasmine? Go talk to her.

I'm not gonna talk to her.

Frank, it's serendipity. You have to.

You helped me with
Emily and the universe,

which I know you don't
believe in this kind of thing,

- rewarded you.
- No, it was humiliating.

I told everyone she left
town but the truth is

I took her to a Seahawks game
and she went to go get a Hawk's Nest dog

and never came back.

Forever retaining your
association with your favorite team.

- She's looking over here.
- Oh, God.

It's my crown
that draws the eye.

Frank?

Oh, hey, Yasmine.

I was hoping that I'd
run into you one day.

I felt so terrible about what happened.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sure you've heard by
now, we b*at the Broncos.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I owe you an apology.

That's not... Yes, you
do. You actually do.

Listen, I'm in the middle of lunch rush.

Is there any chance that maybe
we could grab a drink later

and I could explain myself?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

I mean, once I'm done
with this Make-a-Wish kid.

Hmm?

[LAUGHS]

- He's a grown man. That's my partner.
- That's your part... Right.

[KNOCKING]

[EMILY] It's open.

Professional courtesy.

Me and some of the men from the 2-3

are here to requisition some dog food.
Not that I need your permission

'cause it's coming
straight from the top.

Just take it all.

What's with the sad sack situation?

Boss lady down?

I just thought I was doing
something meaningful with my life

but I just found out what we do
here is considered inessential.

Hmm. I would have gone with pointless.

It applies to you, too, Templeton.

There's only one opinion
that matters to me

and that's the guy in the mirror.

And he gives me a thumbs
up, and sometimes a kiss.

Okay. I just...

I don't know, I wanted this job
'cause I wanted to make a difference.

There's a position at the rec center

- working with the blind kids.
- What?

Not sure they're all the way
blind but they're blind enough

that they don't let them play sports.

I'm not quitting my job.

Yet.

Just so you know, I'm
warming up in the bullpen

for when Rhonda's ready to
bring in the right-hander.

Nighty-night.

Why does Diego want to
get married so bad anyway?

He told you, he's fallen in love

and wants to spend the
rest of his life with her.

[SCOFFS]

[VOMITING SOUND]

I mean, like, now I have
to apply for citizenship.

I'm a really terrible test-taker.

There's no way I'm
gonna be able to memorize

all of the presidents or learn
all the rules of parliament.

Uh, we don't have a parliament.

- You don't have a parl... are you...
- No.

- There's no wigs?
- No, no wigs.

Oh, my God, I'm definitely
gonna fail this thing.

Yeah, that's very likely.

[HAWAIIAN-THEMED CELL PHONE RING]

Hello, my Polynesian princess.
How's the doctor's office, baby?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, okay. I love you, baby. Bye.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine. Fine.

They're... it's just a precaution.

They're putting her on bed
rest until the baby's born.

- Okay.
- Which means no Hawaii.

- Oh.
- Now I'm sitting on a fully

paid non-refundable trip.

Oh, why would you
make it non-refundable?

Because I'm an idiot, do you
pay any attention to me at all?

My house is a very delicate ecosystem.

It barely works with
two functioning parents,

now I've gotta do everything myself

for the next three months.

We're talking the shopping,
we're talking the cooking...

Is this gonna be a long rant?

Medium to long, yes.

- Good.
- Yes.

We're talking the
dishes, we're talking the...

Laundry, bed time, bath
time, trips to Payless,

then return trips to Payless
'cause your kid says the shoes

are making his ankles itch.

You hear me, Diego?

That's two trips to Payless, zero shoes.

My point is, you fall in love,
you get married, you have kids,

you'll never frolic in the
turquoise clear water ever again!

Exactly. And you love the beach.

- Do you?
- He does. He's a big beach guy.

Then say bye.

How do you feel about
urine-filled kiddie pools, Diego?

How do you feel about that?

'Cause that's where you'll
be frolicking, big boy.

Look, Victoria, I'm...

I'm sorry about your green cards.

And the last thing I ever wanted
to do is cause you any problems.

But... I'm in love.

[SIGHS]

I am, too.

- God help us.
- No.

You had one job!

Hey.

That dog you brought
in had a chip in it.

They were able to find the family.

Wait, really?

Yeah, and uh, we're all good on Rhonda.

What does that mean?

It means it's one less
thing on your plate.

Oh, it wasn't on my plate.

Wait, Bettany, it wasn't on my plate.

I... I didn't have a plate.

[BARKING]

Hi!

He ran away from the groomer,

we were afraid we'd never find him!

[MOTHER] We were so scared.

[DAUGHTER] We love you, Goosey.

- Heading home, boss.
- Bye.

- Um, actually, Shred?
- Uh...

Hey, are you okay?

I just feel like you've
been a little down lately.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm good.

It's probably just 'cause
it's been so grey lately.

You know, oh Seattle.

Ah, I know, right?

Yeah, we just haven't been
talking as much, I guess,

and I miss hanging out
with you in the kitchen.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's just weirdly not as fun
to split an Oreo by myself.

I... I've just been
avoiding the snack drawer,

so that's what that is.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I think I was kind
of in my head a little.

Oh, no. Don't get in
your head about me ever.

- We're good. We're great. Totally.
- Okay.

Coming through, real
men doing real work.

Watch your six.

That's, like, a lot of dog food.

That's, like, all the dog food.

[YASMINE] I missed you.

Well, I've been here. Same number.

I think this is the same sweater.

Well, I know it doesn't
make it any better

but I guess I kinda freaked
out because I really liked you.

It's a pattern, if I'm being honest.

I guess I'm kinda a lone wolf.

That's the silly nickname I gave myself.

- I know.
- 'Cause I hate people.

'Cause they're the worst.

- They're all stupid.
- They're terrible.

- So dumb.
- They're so annoying.

Morons.

Overrated.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm gonna open another bottle of wine.

- Yeah.
- But, like, a good one.

This last one was crappy
because I was mad at you.

Ah. There's the petty
Frank that I remember.

[GLASSES CLINK]

- Mmm.
- Ugh, it's just awful.

Go ahead. [CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna open this bottle that
I bought in Napa when we went.

We should go there again.

I've got some vacation days coming up.

Oh, so we're dating again?

If you're in, I'm in.

Uh, why don't you bring
that bottle into the bedroom.

I usually don't allow
food or drink in there

but in this case I'll make an exception.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I opened my best bottle of wine!

[SIGHS]

Emily says I'm in her
head. That's a direct quote.

I am so on her radar I actually
feel kinda bad for Rick,

even though I hate him.

But you were right,
Frank. Love is in the air.

I don't believe in
love. I was dead wrong.

Uh-oh. The date didn't go so well?

- No, it was great until she fled the scene.
- Again?

She literally crawled
out my four-story window.

I don't even know if she survived.

Buddy, that's terrible. But
you know what this means.

Oh, that not kicking you
out of the truck yesterday

was the inflection point

upon which my entire sad future turns?

It means, as your full and
completely equal partner,

it is now my turn to cheer you up.

It's officially Frank's
Day. What do you wanna do?

Let's drive off the next bridge we pass.

Okay, uh, do you have a second choice?

One that doesn't also
k*ll your good buddy Shred?

Look, I know you're stressed, so...

Everything you need to know
for your citizenship test.

- It's fricken' huge!
- Yeah.

How is this supposed to
make me less stressed?

I'll help you.

Oh, wait. You guys were in World w*r II?

We'll all help you.

I've never been here before.

It really is the best
espresso in the city?

Yeah, but you have to
order in an Italian accent.

- Really?
- Yeah, don't embarrass me.

Of course your job is essential.

It makes me mad that Rhonda said that.

She's had a big head ever since
her aunt was on Wheel of Fortune.

Well, I'm feeling much
better since yesterday

but it's still very sweet
of you to take me out.

This place really lives
up to the hype, right?

Frank told me about it.

And then he threatened me if
I told anyone else about it.

Great.

That should have been my
mid-morning Italian coffee date.

It should have been my
kiss. I hate mating season.

I can't believe you're
moaning about this again.

It's insufferable.

You can't kick me out again, Frank.

Oh, I'm not. I'm kicking myself out.

I'm out of moves.

Oh, my God, is that...

- What?
- There!

[FRANK] Vermont.

- Vermont!
- Oh my god, it is!

That's 46! We're all tied up!

- Yeah!
- Woo!

Wait, we need a picture.

Oh, yeah. Let me fix my hair.

Of the car, Frank. We need proof.

[FRANK] Right, right,
right. They're getting away!

We gotta go!

Go, go, go! This is a miracle!

Out of my way,
pedestrians! We got Vermont!

Woo!