- Help! Help!
[gags] Intruder!
My big, strong partner
will k*ll you.
And he's white,
so he won't even go to jail.
Ah!
[groans]
- Are you okay?
- No.
It took you over 30 seconds
to respond.
- Are you making a TikTok
about home invasions?
- You know I always worry
about break-ins.
Having a plan calms me.
So just go downstairs,
and when you hear me,
grab a w*apon
and then run back in.
Help! Help!
- Bam!
Hey, bro, stop choking my lady.
She's not even into that.
- A hairbrush?
That's only a w*apon
if you have lice.
- Can you keep it down?
I'm already dealing
with your son
in the top bunk,
who's trying to pick
my nose with his big toe.
- Look, it's our
permanent intruder.
- Hey, I told you guys,
I'm only staying here
till my moving business
gets back on its feet--
five years, tops.
- If you heard me
yelling for help,
why didn't you try to save me?
- You think I can't tell
when somebody's faking it?
I learned a lot
being married to your mom.
- And you never said anything?
- Of course not.
'Cause admitting it would
have meant I had to try harder.
It was fine.
I got mine's, you know?
Good night!
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- Ay, women in these
true crime stories
always fall for a scam artist,
don't they?
It's like their mothers
didn't teach them
how to spot a cochino.
- Beer, game, quiet.
- I'm not sure
your mother taught you
to spot one, either.
- What the hell
are you doing, cochino?
- It's the seventh inning.
You want to know
how your show ends?
It's the way they always end.
She dies,
and the husband did it.
- If you don't give me
that remote, tonight,
the ex-wife is gonna do it.
- You guys aren't even
watching, anyways.
You're on your phone
half the time.
- Sorry, what?
I just got a notification
on my Citizen Alert app.
- Oh, no, what happened?
- Wait a minute.
There's an app that can track
if you're a citizen?
Mayan, do me a favor.
Propose to Oscar.
- He's your best friend
and weed guy.
You marry him.
- He doesn't trust me.
He knows
I'll never be faithful.
You and your life partner,
Quinten,
aren't married, anyways.
You're living in this house
in shame.
- George,
they're not living in shame.
- Thanks, Mom.
- They're living in sin.
- Anyway, the Citizen Alert app
just alerts you
about crimes happening nearby.
Like earlier,
there was a report of a drunk
in a green hoodie
stealing lemons from a yard.
- Not drunk yet.
You know, back in the day,
our Citizens Alert
was Doña Paloma.
She could tell you who got sh*t
and who was cheating,
which is probably why
they got sh*t.
- Speaking of getting sh*t,
did you hear all those
g*nshots last night?
- Yeah, I told Chance
they were fireworks
so that he wouldn't get scared.
- He doesn't know
the difference?
My grandfather
taught me the difference
when I was three years old.
I know g*nf*re like
a rich person knows wine.
Like, that is a 2009...
.45 caliber--wait--
chrome handle.
- Did you hear
about the break-in
a couple of blocks away?
- No. How did I miss that?
- Oh, it was on the Citizen
Alert last Tuesday night.
- Oh, well, that's the night
when Quinten and I are...busy.
Why am I apologizing?
This is a sex-positive house,
okay?
We get biz-ay.
On Tuesdays between "Top Chef"
and "Below Deck Mediterranean."
- Of course,
you two schedule it.
- You used to schedule it,
too, just not with me.
- Oh, my God, I found the post.
The family was home, and they
had to fight the guy off?
I gotta chill out.
That reminds me.
I forgot to take
my pill this morning.
- Uh-oh.
Last time I heard
your mother say that,
I became a father.
- It's not birth control.
I take them for my anxiety.
- Anxiety?
Who told you you had that?
- Uh, science.
A doctor prescribed them
to me years ago.
Before that,
I was in a constant state
of fear and feeling unsafe.
- That's not anxiety.
That's being brown in America.
They don't have
a pill for that.
- Ay, George, leave her alone.
She likes the pills.
- And you're okay with these?
What, is she slipping you some?
- No, I don't take those.
They dull your senses.
I'm not about to get kidnapped
and sex trafficked.
- I don't think there's
a market in sex trafficking
for some viejita with bunions.
- Hey, guys.
- Did you know the mother
of your child is on dr*gs?
- Just a little gummy on
Tuesday nights when we're--
Busy.
- Dad is freaking out
because he just found out
I take anti-anxiety pills.
- Because there's
nothing wrong with you.
Your generation is just looking
for an excuse to take dr*gs.
You're all like, oh, Chastity,
you look so depressed.
Have you tried
microdosing shrooms?
It'll change your life.
- George, my sister,
Chastity, was depressed.
And it did change her life.
- What I'm saying is,
you only need to take pills
if you're a real loca,
like my tía Mimi,
the one that used to talk
to her plants.
- Studies show that
actually helps them grow.
- She didn't own any plants.
- Anti-anxiety medications
are a great coping mechanism.
It's just like this new
vibrating tool I ordered.
- Ay, careful.
You give Mayan one of those,
she's not gonna need you
on Tuesdays.
- We have those,
and we use them on Wednesdays
between "Chicago Med"
and "Chicago Fire."
- Yeah, yeah!
- Yes, sir!
- No, this is a biofeedback
device that you wear.
It vibrates and beeps
when you're anxious
to remind you
to take deep breaths.
- You paid for something
that reminds you to breathe?
If you're worried about safety,
you need to get
a security system.
- We can't afford that.
I mean,
I would have gotten one,
but we had to use our savings
to finish the kitchen
because someone
didn't let me know
about his financial problems.
- They're called boundaries,
Chastity.
Respect them.
- Quinten, let's go see
if this thing works.
You can trigger my anxiety
by trying to explain NFTs
to me again.
- Yes.
- She doesn't feel safe
in this house.
That's not good.
I'm gonna secure
this house myself.
It's not gonna
cost them anything.
- Oh, no, I know your idea
of a security system.
It's doing a chalk outline
of a dead body in the driveway.
- No one wants to be the second
dead body in the driveway.
♪ ♪
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- You really think someone
might break in here?
- No.
You know this was
my grandma's house, right?
When I grew up,
it was much more dangerous,
and we never had a problem.
- Really?
- Yep.
Because the Latinos,
we would look after each other.
It's the hipsters now
that are moving in,
coming home with 30 bags
from Target.
They become the target.
- My dad loves Target.
- Yeah, well, good thing
he's not your real dad.
- Yes, he is.
Mommy says you just say that
to mask your own insecurities
since your dad left you.
- Damn.
That cut like a Kn*fe. Up top.
- Where you want
these ADT signs?
- Um, let's put two in the
front and put two in the back.
- I thought we couldn't afford
a security service.
- We don't need the service.
We got the signs.
- What if they don't
believe the signs?
- Nah, no one's
getting in here.
I secured all the windows
and doors.
No one's getting in.
- Is that a challenge?
- It can be.
You don't have
any money to bet.
How about we bet
a little hello?
- A little hey there.
- A little how you doing?
- My son's here.
How about we say goodbye
to the hello?
- Grandpa, can we show Dad
the coolest part
of your system?
- Yeah. Hey, get the lights.
- What? Yes!
Are those
motion-detecting lasers?
- Watch.
I know how to b*at them.
- Okay, Tomasito Cruise.
Oh, what the hell is that?
One got loose.
- Wait, shouldn't they trigger
an alarm or something?
- No, they're just
laser pointers
I taped up around the room
and connected them to a remote.
- What's the point, then,
make all the cats
in the neighborhood go insane?
A-ha.
That's--
I'm sorr--this is ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous is that
Mayan's afraid of a break-in,
and all she's got
to protect her is a man
whose only w*apon is karma.
- Ha! Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
You don't make your woman
feel safe, bro.
- Oh, I'm pretty sure
she feels safe with me.
I can handle
any kind of intruder.
- Yeah, said the man
wearing a double wrist brace
for carpal tunnel.
- This is preventative.
The Genius Bar is
a physically demanding job.
I wipe p*rn off of at least
And my hand, it hurts.
- p*rn makes my hand hurt too.
- What's the point
of you being here
if you can't step up
like a real man?
If you won't protect
my daughter, then I will.
- Oh, come on.
You didn't.
- This is your new
security system,
built with the finest parts
the 99 Cent Store has to offer.
- You put tape
on my beautiful walls?
This paint is Eva Longoria
for Walmart.
[device buzzing]
- What's that?
It can't be
the smoke detectors.
I got rid of those
useless things
to make room for the lasers.
- It's the biofeedback device
reminding me to breathe.
- Oh, I thought
it was my pager.
And then I was like,
it's not 1992, man.
And then I wished it was 1992.
And then I got sad.
Then--
- Zip it, Leech & Chong.
I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.
- I got this, babe.
I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.
- All right,
we're almost done, anyways.
Hey, Oscar, grab that chalk
and go lay down outside.
I'll trace your dead body.
- Dad, this isn't helping.
If anything,
it's making my anxiety worse.
- No, Mayan, those pills
are making your anxiety worse.
And let's face it, anxiety
is not even a real thing.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, it's like Dracula
or, you know,
global warming,
peanut allergies.
- You know this is
a nut-free household, right?
- Trust me, it's not.
- That's it.
You don't get to say
what's real for me.
You can't tell me
that my feelings aren't valid.
- I think your feelings
are valid about the paint.
What are they,
like, $33 a gallon?
- Okay, so you're just gonna
make light of this
and walk away?
- That's the plan.
- Don't make me look fat, bro.
♪ ♪
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
- What are you doing
with my delicates?
That pull-up bar
is my drying rack.
- Not now, Mayan.
I'm in beast mode.
Ah!
- [gasps]
Are you okay?
- [wheezing]
I'm gonna go get
the Shake Weight.
- What is going on?
Why are you working out
at 11:00 p.m.?
- Because, babe, I can't--
I can't rest thinking that
I am not capable
of physically protecting you.
- Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.
I've realized I'm so loud,
the neighbors will just hear
my screams and call the cops.
Isn't that right, Eleanor?
- Okay, so you don't
have any faith in me,
and your dad says I'm not
a man, which is so toxic,
but it still--it hits me
right in the gut,
which then makes me toxic too.
I don't deserve
my Notorious RBG shirt.
- Dad!
- Ah!
Mayan, don't call him
in here, please.
You're gonna make it worse.
- What's wrong?
- You.
You're dismissing my anxiety.
You're destroying my home.
And now you're insulting
Quinten by telling him
he's not a man?
- Well, a real man wouldn't
go snitching to his woman.
- You see? What did I say?
- Mayan, you're just nervous
because you don't think
your man will step up
in a time of crisis
because everything about him
says, "Eek! A mouse!"
- And everything about you
says Vegas buffet.
Leave him out of it.
- Why are you defending him?
You can't sleep comfortably in
your own house because of him.
- I can't sleep comfortably
in my own house because of you.
- What did I do?
- It's what you didn't do.
You weren't home.
Mom and I were alone
in the house,
and I was always worried
something bad was gonna happen.
It gave me so much anxiety.
Every night,
I'd pray that you'd
come back and protect us.
I never felt safe.
And that feeling
has never gone away.
[thumping]
- What was that?
- Not Chance. He's sleeping.
- Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.
- Stay here.
[whispering] Oh, no.
Okay, come on.
Come on. Come on.
[grunts]
- Ow!
- Call the police!
I got him!
Stay down.
I am messed up in the head,
and I am dangerous
to myself and others.
- Oscar?
- What the hell, dude?
- You bet me I couldn't get
past your security system.
Yet here I am,
hemorrhaging internally.
- I thought
I secured everything.
Wow, man, somebody could have
really broken in.
Something bad could have
happened to Chance.
- Dad, it's okay.
We're all safe.
- No, sorry.
I just--I just gotta sit down.
- How did you get past
all his stuff?
- I didn't.
I never left the house.
But don't tell George.
It'll be our
dirty little secret.
Shh.
- Dad, are you okay?
- I can't--I can't breathe.
- Take a deep breath.
- I just told you
I can't breathe.
What's wrong with your ears,
ta loca?
You trying to k*ll me?
I'm already dying.
♪ ♪
- Okay, breathe in and now out.
- [exhales]
- Better?
So you just had
an anxiety att*ck.
- You know what, Mayan?
Stop being so extra.
I was flushed, I was sweating,
and my heart was racing.
- Those are the exact symptoms
of an anxiety att*ck.
And they happen to me too.
- So it's contagious.
You gave it to me.
- No, you and Mom
gave it to me.
And your parents
gave it to you.
Some people pass down wealth.
We pass down trauma.
- I might have gotten
a little something
passed down
from my grandmother.
You know, when she used to
get mad at me,
man, she used to lock me
in the closet.
That didn't feel great.
- Oh, my God, that's so scary.
- Yeah, it was scary.
And then that's the first time
I remember
getting that same bad feeling
that I just got right now.
- An anxiety att*ck?
- We don't have
to give it a name.
Eventually, I got too big
to fit in the closet.
She started locking me
in the neighbor's closet
because they had a walk-in.
- It's not easy
feeling this way,
but therapy and taking
medication help me manage it.
- I'm sorry that
I wasn't around.
But I thought me not being
around would be better for you
than me being there.
And I didn't want
to be the cause of, uh,
you know, of your--
of your anxiety.
- Thank you.
You acknowledging that
is actually making me
feel really calm right now.
- That's good.
Hey, and if those pills
you take
make you forget what I did,
I'm all for them.
- Oscar is gonna be okay.
His leg's not broken.
It's just a bad bruise.
- Hey, Quinten, way to step up
for your family, man.
- This is gonna sound crazy,
but I actually think
the spirit of RBG
was guiding me.
- And damn, was it sexy.
- I'm sorry, did Monday night
just become Tuesday night?
- Oh, yeah.
- [gags]
Is nausea a symptom of anxiety?
Because I think
I just backed up
some anxiety in my m--
[gags]
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
Just want you to know,
I patched up the walls
and threw away
all the laser pointers.
- I know.
Quinten and I fished them out
to play a little game
called Missionary Impossible.
- [gags]
It needs to be a little more
sex-negative around here.
- Mayan, did you see what just
happened on the Citizen Alert?
- No, I deleted the app.
It was stressing me out.
And now I know
if something does happen,
Quinten's got our back.
- Oh, so now she's too good
for the Citizen Alert.
- [clears throat]
All right, can you stop?
Because you're triggering me.
[breathes heavily]
- So now you have anxiety?
- It comes and goes,
depending on where you are.
Because--if I'm right here,
ay Dios mío, I can't breathe.
And then--
over here...
[inhales]
Much better.
♪ ♪
[bell jingling]
- You rang, for the eighth time
in 20 minutes?
- Yes.
Can I get a different pillow,
please?
Also, this popcorn
needs more salt.
And can you add some Tapatío?
From the packets,
not the bottle.
- When did the doctor say you'd
be back up on your feet again?
- I don't need a doctor.
You see, my pupusa guy
dates the cashier at CVS.
And she really requested
that I stay off of it
for about four weeks.
- And she didn't think
you could stay off of it
on your own couch?
- Might I remind you
that my pupusa guy...
Also caters lawyer conventions?
And he thinks what you did to
me was technically an as*ault.
- I'll get the Tapatío.
- Oscar!
Two pigeons are fighting
to the death over a pupusa.
- For real?
- Come and check it out, man.
Get your chalk!
And that's how you get him
off the couch.
♪ ♪
01x02 - Lopez vs Anxiety
Watch/Buy Amazon
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.
George Lopez, the owner of a moving company that went bankrupt is forced to move into his daughter Mayan’s house.