04x09 - Frock the Vote!

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on

RuPaul's Drag Race...

You'll be competing as

a couple...of frenemies.

- ♪ I do it so much ♪

- ♪ I do it so much ♪

- ♪ I do it so much better ♪

- ♪ So much b... ♪

sh*t.

I'm not gonna be in the bottom

two because Sharon is off.

- ♪ I'm the best ♪

- ♪ At being a loser ♪

- Oh!

- [laughing]

- Ow!

Dida, you bitch!

- Thank you.

- Condragulations,

Willam and Latrice Royale.

Phi Phi O'Hara

and Sharon Needles,

you are up for elimination.

Ladies, it's come to a point

in the competition

where every decision

is a painful one.

Willam, it has come

to my attention

that you have broken the rules.

Your actions have consequences.

Willam, I have to ask you

to leave the competition

immediately.

Sashay away.

And tonight...

the queens

hit the campaign trail...

It's time to make

some "herstory"...

And "Frock the Vote".

- I'm gonna fit the capitol

with an up-do.

Up...do.

- With extra-special

guest judges,

columnist Dan savage

and Absolut's Jeffrey Moran.

- [cheering]

- The winner of

RuPaul's Drag Race

will receive a lifetime supply

of NYX cosmetics,

a one-of-a-kind trip

courtesy of ALandCHUCK.travel,

headline Logo's Drag Race Tour

featuring Absolut Vodka...

cocktails perfected...

and a cash prize of $100,000.

And may the best woman win.

- Ohh.

Cluck, cluck, top five.

- Top five, b*tches, top five.

- Good morning.

- It's a good day,

because Willam is gone,

finally gone,

and I'm so excited.

♪ Bye! ♪

- What is that?

- "I showed my ass a lot,

so here's one for the road."

- That is her ass.

- Ewww!

- That's nasty.

She showed that she was an ass.

- Yeah.

Willam broke the rules,

so bye, boo, bye.

- Good-bye, shady bearded lady!

- [cheering]

- Whoo!

Good-bye, shady bearded lady.

- Y'all are crazy.

- f*ck that bitch.

♪ Willam 's gone ♪

♪ Willam 's gone ♪

- I feel bad for Willam.

It's a really bummer

the way it ended for him.

- All right, Willam.

I mean, this is the only advice

I can give you

in your drag career.

[all laughing]

- Shave it.

- Shave your face!

- I got to admit, though,

I'm kind of jealous.

There's nothing more punk rock

than being kicked off.

- No, bitch.

No, no, no.

Not off RuPaul's Drag Race,

bitch.

That was the walk of shame,

bitch.

- Yeah.

- No shade, no tea, you guys.

Like, seriously, could you

believe that sh*t happened?

For once in my life,

I'm speechless.

No one's ever been kicked off

in the history of

RuPaul's Drag Race.

I'm gagged.

- When RuPaul came out,

it was like this.

- Hold on, hold on,

we can do this.

I'll be Willam, you be Ru.

All right, I'll be Willam.

- [laughing]

- [imitating RuPaul]

I've consulted with the judges.

- Blech!

- But the final decision

is up to me.

- Blech!

- [all laughing]

- Phi Phi O'Hara,

Sharon Needles,

you're both safe.

Sharon, you were better,

but you're both safe.

- Blech!

- [all laughing]

- You are f*cking evil.

[siren wails]

- Ooh, girl!

- Speak of the devil.

- You've got shemail.

Attention all teabaggers.

- Uh!

- Read my lips.

According to a recent

stripper poll,

America's next drag superstar

needs to pull herself up

by her bra straps,

stand tall in her platforms,

and be the life of every party.

'Cause honey,

nobody likes an empty box.

- No, ma'am.

- I'm RuPaul, and I don't

approve this message.

[engine zooms]

- Stripper poll?

- Hello, hello, hello!

- [all greeting]

- Ladies, America's

next drag superstar

has to stand for something,

or she'll fall for anything.

Now, for today's mini-challenge,

you need to stand tall

by decorating a pair

of platform shoes.

Take them from plain to par-tay.

To provide you

with some inspiration,

please help me welcome

Absolut Vodka guru

Jeffrey Moran.

[clapping]

- Hey, Ru.

Gentlemen.

What you see here before you

are some great classic cocktails

that will be the inspiration

for today's challenge.

At Absolut,

we've been celebrating

the gay and lesbian community

for 30-plus years.

So you can imagine we've thrown

some really great parties.

- Dida Ritz, your inspiration

is an Absolut Collins.

Latrice Royale, Absolut Punch.

Phi Phi O'Hara,

Absolut Grapevine.

Sharon Needles,

Absolut Berri Sour.

Chad Michaels,

Absolut Greyhound.

- Love it. Thank you.

- Okay, ladies,

you'll have 20 minutes

to create platforms that look

good enough to drink.

Ready, set...

go.

- You got the good stuff.

- You don't even know

what you're talking about.

- Oh, man, this is not sticking.

- Jiggly, quit

complaining over there.

- [scoffs]

Needles.

- What?

- What are you doing?

- What the f*ck

does it look like I'm doing?

- How's it going for you?

- Oh, fine.

I had all the accessories

I needed

to convey the plight

of the American Indians.

Though I wish I had

some poker chips.

- Ow!

- All right, ladies, time's up.

Let's see your platforms.

First up, Dida Ritz.

- I was inspired by the

Victorian age,

so I took from Marie Antoinette,

and she's a big woman

on shopping and shoes.

She would want a fierce pair

of shoes like this.

- Sort of if Marie Antoinette

were a stripper.

- She would wear these.

I know she would.

- Latrice Royale.

Absolut Punch platforms.

- Well, my shoes are inspired

by the nightclub.

That's where everybody's

getting their party on

and their drink on.

And you might see a girl

hanging from the ceiling,

wearing these shoes.

- Oh.

Next up, Phi Phi O'Hara.

Absolut Grapevine platforms.

- You know I'm designing for

your new iron fist line, right?

- Oh, wonderful.

- Yeah.

I really wanted to take you to,

like, an exotic

vacation hot spot.

Like for all those, you know,

women that are at home,

they can just put on their shoes

and have a cocktail,

and bam, they're on vacation.

- [chuckles]

All right, next up,

Sharon Needles.

- My Berri Sour platforms

are inspired by red rocks

of the southwestern America,

and I'm serving you

some Navajo realness.

And we have these

dream catchers in the back.

I prefer nightmare catchers,

but these do the trick.

- These are platform shoes

for the real "nava-hos".

- [cackling]

- I thought we were

supposed to design a shoe,

not just slab on a piece of fur.

- May I see

the dessert platter next?

- Um, yes.

Let me get you a dessert.

Are you guys good on coffee?

- Good on coffee right now.

- Good on coffee? Yeah.

- Everything tasting all right?

- Yeah.

- Next up, Chad Michaels.

- This is for the girl on the go

on New Year's Eve to wear,

and she's got her Greyhound

in the foot to go.

- Oh, now, what makes that

Greyhound in the foot?

- That's grapefruit juice.

- Of course. Okay.

- Absolutely.

Need a little vitamin C.

You don't want scurvy, you know.

- No, no, not again.

I'll never go

through that again.

- [chuckles]

- Ladies, you all stepped it up,

but one of you really walked

all over the competition.

The winner of today's

mini-challenge is...

Phi Phi O'Hara.

- Yeah! Hot dog.

- Condragulations, Phi Phi.

I am head over heels

for those shoes right there.

And thank you, Jeffrey Moran.

- Of course, anytime.

- We will see you tomorrow

on the main stage.

- Look forward to it.

Good luck.

- Bye. Thank you.

- Speaking of platforms,

I want to find out

what America's

next drag superstar

really stands for.

And this being an election year,

it's time to make

some "herstory".

I, RuPaul,

would like to announce

the candidacy

of Phi Phi O'Hara, Dida Ritz,

Sharon Needles, Latrice Royale,

and Chad Michaels

to become the first

drag president

of the United States of America.

For this week's main challenge,

you'll face the nation

in a "Frock the Vote"

presidential debate.

This is your chance to prove

that you have the kind of

charisma, uniqueness, nerve,

and talent it takes to be

the leader of the free world.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

And may the best woman...win.

- To prepare for the debate,

we have to do

an opening statement,

a closing statement.

We have to get in drag.

We have to come up with slogans.

So there's a lot

involved in this challenge.

- [snickers]

- I'm gonna get in trouble.

- Put her away.

- [laughing] What?

- Put her away.

- No way. Why would I?

- Why would you?

- I'm bringing back

the funk to America, honey.

I decided to do a

non-traditional character

and do something

a little bit edgier,

a little bit more dangerous,

take a risk.

How you doing?

- Two pink afros on a brown wig.

For him to pull that piece of

crap out and put it on his head,

like, for a presidential debate.

- I'm gonna give you lady pimp.

- For today's main challenge,

we're running for president...

in drag.

- It's like we're back in

school.

♪ La la la la la ♪

So...

♪ Bow bow bow bow-wow ♪

The workroom is insanely quiet

right now.

And, like, everybody is just

thinking so hard

about their stuff,

and I'm just having a good time.

[belching]

[still belching]

[sighs loudly]

- I'm having the worst

brain fart right now.

- [belching]

[still belching]

Excuse me.

- I'm so confused.

[laughs]

This challenge is so tough.

I'm just struggling

with coming up with ideas.

Politics is not my comfort zone.

- I get it.

- I'm done.

- Work.

- Girl.

- Whew.

- You better come for it,

miss Phi Phi.

- I feel confident

in this challenge

because I always like to argue.

Y'all didn't take

debate classes in school?

- Uh-uh.

- I did.

I wanted to be a lawyer

when I was younger.

- That's why you're so

confrontational all the time.

- I just have to be right.

- Even when you're wrong.

- Bitch, I'm never wrong.

- You're wrong right now.

- Learn it.

- Are you writing answers

to your questions already?

- Yeah, aren't you done?

I mean, I took debate, like,

for seven, eight years.

- [laughs]

- And I'm a lawyer,

so hurry up and get it done.

- Hello, hello, hello.

- Hi, Ru.

- Hi, Ru.

- Ladies, I hope you're decent,

because we have company.

Journalist, political pundit,

and founder of the

It Gets Better Project,

Dan Savage.

- [contestants cheer]

- Awesome.

- Hello, candidates.

- Now, Dan's here to help you

prep for the big debate

and serve up

some political realness.

Hey, Latrice.

- Hey, Ru. How are you?

- Have you come up

with a campaign slogan?

- Of course.

"Everyone needs

a piece of Latrice."

- What about

"Peace with Latrice"?

- Ooh, that's very good.

So what is your platform?

- Well, I want more funding

for HIV and AIDS patients

who are on disability.

- But voters right now

are gonna ask you,

okay, if you're gonna make more

money available for that,

what are you gonna cut?

- Right.

- Oh, something gotta go?

- Yeah.

Like the wars.

- The w*r, yeah.

Politics, for real, for real.

This is not easy.

- Now, it's important

that you get your message across

and that you're not vague.

It has to be direct.

- Right.

- All right, Latrice,

we're gonna let you

get back to your campaign,

all right?

- Thank you.

- Break a lash.

- I will.

- Hi, Phi Phi.

- Hi, Ru.

- You're running for president?

- I am.

- What's your slogan?

- Um, "you can always Kiki

with your girl Phi Phi."

- You're offering to have sex

with all Americans?

- [laughs]

- Not Kai-Kai.

- Oh, okay, I'm confused.

- Kiki, yeah.

- Kiki means, like, you know,

like, we gossip with each other.

- Oh, okay.

- It rhymes with my name,

and it's easy to remember.

- But it's easy to

misunderstand, like I did.

So you might want to have

a couple of alternates.

- So what is your platform?

- Make America pretty.

You know, build warehouses, so

that way a bunch of drag queens

can make designer

human hair wigs.

- So you're providing jobs

or you're providing wigs?

- Both.

- Okay, so it's socialism

for drag queens, then.

The government

will give you your wig.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna be

the drag president, so...

- Listen, you have

to make it something

that really speaks

to every American.

You have to be really direct.

I'm gonna let you

get back to work, okay?

All right, thanks, Phi Phi.

Hi, Dida.

- Hi, Ru.

- You doing your homework?

- I'm trying.

- Now, it's important to know

what you stand for.

What is your platform?

My platform is really about...

for like, queens

who are kind of underpaid.

We are stars too,

and this is a job,

and it deserves the same respect

as any normal performer.

- Why should someone

who's not a drag queen

vote for you for president?

- That I haven't come up with.

I still have

some thinking to do.

- Do you vote, personally?

- I do, I do, I vote.

I just...politics

is kind of something

that's hard for me to discuss

because it can get personal.

It can get very ugly,

and I hate that, so...

- Which is why it's important

for us to pay attention,

because politicians are gonna

demonize sexual minorities.

And if they can count on us

checking out,

they're likelier to win

and then get into office,

where they can really

do us harm.

- Right.

Well, you just read me.

I'm not gonna lie.

- Just make sure that it really

comes from the heart.

- Okay.

- Good luck.

- He lit my complete

campaign on fire.

That's what Dan Savage did.

I feel f*cked.

- Candidate Chad Michaels.

- Hey, RuPaul.

- I want to hear

all about the campaign.

- Well, I'm just gonna have

some fun, Ru.

- Yes?

- So I'm creating a crazy lady.

- Oh, boy.

- For my campaign, and her name

is Lady Pimp Michaels.

- So what are your

campaign slogans?

- My issues are mandatory rhythm

and funk lessons

for all school kids,

because we've really lost

the b*at in this country.

- Are there any real issues

you want to inject?

Do you have a real issue?

- I haven't really put

any real issues into this.

'Cause I want to make this fun.

- Make sure the constituency

can relate to you.

- I get you.

- Which is gonna be a problem

if that's your outfit.

- That's a pantsuit.

What are you talking about?

- All right, thanks, Chad.

- Bye, guys.

- Sharon Needles,

the first drag president.

What campaign slogans

have you written?

- Um, some of my campaign

slogans are,

"America's government

needs a sex change."

- Well, what does that mean?

- Well, it means, you know,

that it's time that, you know,

not just a man or a woman

is in office, but a man-woman...

- Oh.

- You know, is in the office.

Someone who can play

both fields.

- Now, are you planning

any negative campaigning?

- I'm not going to create

negative att*ck ad campaigns

because I was bullied

my entire childhood,

and that's just not

the platform I'm going to be,

uh, working with.

I want to talk to the people.

- But everybody says that

till they're down in the polls.

- Well, I enjoy being down

on a poll, so...

I mean, that's just something

I can handle, I think.

- Okay, good for you.

- I know you have

a lot of work to do,

so I'm gonna let you

get back to it.

See you at the debate.

- Uh-huh.

- All right.

All right, ladies.

Remember, these are tough times.

And the future of this great

nation depends on you.

So don't f*ck it up.

Let's go.

- Good evening, and welcome

to "Frock the Vote" 2012.

Give us 22 minutes,

and we'll give you an erection

for the election.

I am your moderator, RuPaul.

And I'm here

with my esteemed colleagues

Michelle Visage and Dan Savage.

Welcome, candidates.

Tonight your answers

will be timed.

The yellow light

is a ten-second warning.

The red light

means your time is up.

If you go over,

the secret service is here

to escort you from the building.

Let's kick things off

with opening statements.

Chad Michaels.

- Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Chad

the Lady Pimp Michaels.

I am from California,

more specifically

the Shady Acres trailer park

on Doheny between

Weho and Beverly hills.

You might also remember me

as one of the first

transgendered dancers

on the Soul Train.

How you doin'?

[buzzer sounds]

What I plan to do is...

- Time is up, miss Michaels.

- The red light?

Shoes.

- Dida Ritz, same question.

- I am here,

and my name is Dida Ritz.

I'm here representing...or

running for wig party candidate.

And I'm here to talk

about the big "C" word today.

Change.

Change for the Ritz.

- Phi Phi O'Hara.

- Howdy, y'all.

I'm just a small

southern girl from Texas.

You can see me

on the bestseller's list,

Vote for Phi Phi.

I just want everybody to know

that you can always Kiki

with your girl Phi Phi.

- Sharon Needles.

- Ladies and gentlemen

and everyone in between,

my name is Sharon Needles.

For a long time,

this government has been

in dire need of a sex change,

and I'm just the drag queen

to perform that operation.

I'm Sharon Needles,

for sharing responsibilities.

- Latrice Royale.

- Good evening.

I am Latrice Royale.

Large and in charge,

chunky yet funky.

My fellow Americans,

everyone needs peace

with Latrice.

- All right, candidates.

The first question of the

evening from Dan Savage.

- Miss O'Hara, what experiences

from your past

make you the best candidate

to be America's first

drag president?

- Well, I have

lots of friends already,

like, in the government thing.

Ooh, like Sarah Palin.

And...and, like, when we used to

play "Spot That Russian!"

across the room,

like, my backyard or...

or when I was in Texas, we used

to go cow-tipping in drag.

- Oh.

[inaudible]

I'm scared for her.

- Yee-ha.

- Miss Royale?

- Coming from hum...

humble beginnings,

I was raised as a poor

black child in Compton.

I know what hard work,

dedication,

and perseverance means.

- All right, our next question,

from Michelle Visage.

- Miss Michaels,

as the first drag president,

how would you

redecorate the White House?

- I'm gonna paint

that bitch pink,

and I'm gonna fit the capitol

with an up-do.

Up...do.

Green light, look.

Yellow.

Bam, red.

[buzzer sounds]

- Chad has this, like,

master pimp thing going on.

I don't understand,

like, his storyline.

I mean, in a debate,

what is he debating about?

- [smacks lips]

- Dida Ritz.

- Well, first, I see everything

being Ralph Lauren.

I'm a big fan of Ralph Lauren

furniture,

Ralph Lauren paint,

Ralph Lauren rugs.

The drapery, Ralph Lauren.

- Girl, really?

- I would love

Ralph Lauren everything.

Thank you.

- Miss O'Hara.

- Hi.

- If you won the wig party

nomination,

which one of these queens

would you choose

as your running mate, and why?

- Well, being this time period,

I think it's so great

that the help can sit there

and compete alongside with me.

So I'd definitely like

to say my help, Dida Ritz,

and the other help I had,

Latrice Royale.

[laughs brightly]

Yee-ha.

- Did she just call me

"the help"?

I don't even do windows.

- I'm from Compton, bitch.

I'll whip yo' ass.

- Miss Ritz, should drag queens

be allowed to marry?

- I truly believe drag queens

should be allowed

to get married,

whether a drag queen

wants to marry a drag queen

or a drag queen

wants to marry a dog.

Change for the Ritz.

- Sharon Needles.

- Drag queens should most

definitely

be able to get married.

They should also have the right

to get divorced.

I too would like to be

an unhappy married woman

and then receive

my alimony checks

to pay for my young lovers

and vacations.

Thank you, Dan.

- Our next question

from Michelle Visage.

- Miss Michaels,

How would you explain

why drag is important

to voters who aren't

familiar with drag?

- Me being the first

transgendered Soul Train dancer,

we need to get back

to basic family values.

We've forgotten all of our

pertinent dance moves.

We got to get back

to the sprinkler.

All right?

We got to get back

to the running man.

Oh, wait...

- That was the Roger Rabbit.

- That's the Roger Rabbit.

- Yeah.

- Look, I don't got nothing

to say about it,

I just...we did what we had to do

to, you know, to get by.

Look, yellow...

red.

- Miss Ritz,

unemployment is up,

higher than it's

ever been before.

How do you plan to put

more drag queens to work?

- Basically, to give them

more opportunities

to do what they love to do

by performing.

And no more of this $75 or $100

of bookings.

Queens deserve coins.

Drag costs montey.

It costs money to look,

well, this beautiful.

Thank you.

- Miss Royale,

politics can get so ugly.

Can you give us an example

of a time when you made peace

with someone you didn't

see eye to eye with?

- About five minutes ago.

I looked across at Miss O'Hara

and realized that she was ugly.

- Oh.

- And I'm at peace with that.

- [snickers]

- [laughing quietly]

- Miss O'Hara.

- Oh, howdy.

- How do you represent

the future of drag

in the U.S. of "Heyyy!"

- Well, first,

it's U.S. of "How-day!"

[laughs]

So I'm representing all, like,

the little southern girls

that like to warsh our drag,

like,

and hang 'em up to dry.

Oh, and then when we get,

like, our jewelry

and we like to polish rocks

and make beautiful jewelry

'cause remember, if you ain't

got that bling bling,

you probably didn't get it

from Phi Phi.

[laughs]

♪ Ah! ♪

- You okay?

- Oh, I'm doing line dancing.

- All right, it's time to hear

the candidates'

closing statements.

Let's begin

with Miss Chad Michaels.

- At the end of the day,

I just want, you know,

to put someone down in my chair,

give them a good,

good scalp massage,

send them out,

and make them feel

like an American citizen.

Look, yellow.

One more time.

Red.

Those freaking lights.

Yellow, red.

- Miss Dida Ritz.

- I must say that I have a lot.

I have a lot

that I want to change.

Change for Ritz.

That's my slogan.

Thank you.

- Dida is coming off...like, her

answers are very "who cares?"

There's no passion,

no fire, no nothing.

- Latrice Royale.

- With my plans in effect,

we can look forward

to a fun-loving America,

an America where everyone

could be queen for a day.

Thank you.

- Candidate Sharon Needles.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm not a ivy-league,

good old ladyboy.

I'm just a girl of the streets.

And that's where I learned

the American people.

From the dark black soil of Iowa

to the punk rockers

of Colorado...

[My Country 'Tis of Thee plays]

To the hippies of southern

California

to the blue-collar boys

of Pittsburgh,

I've walked in every single one

of their shoes.

I am of the people

and for the people.

I am Sharon Needles,

sharing responsibilities

for a better world.

- Miss Phi Phi O'Hara.

This evening,

you get the last word.

- I wanna live in a world

that...vote for Phi Phi...

that...that, you know,

hos can be pimps finally and...

vote for Phi Phi...

and I just want to say...

vote for Phi Phi...

where, you know,

Jesus loves you.

And I didn't have a big enough

heart to cover you.

But I just want to say, America,

don't be a drag.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean be a drag.

Ha, ha, ha!

Howdy.

I won.

- I did find Phi Phi

annoying tonight.

You gotta know when to quit.

[snorts]

[sniffs]

- Oh.

- Thank you, candidates.

That concludes our

"Frock the Vote" debate.

Remember to come early

on election day.

Oh, and don't forget to vote.

Good night, everybody.

- Walk this way.

- Hoo!

- Another day,

another dead diva, honey.

- Yesterday we had

our presidential debate.

And today we have to get ready

for the inaugural ball.

- Don't politics seem

like a drag queen

dressing room nowadays?

- Basically.

It's mudslinging.

It's not cute.

- I mean, I know yesterday

was a drag competition,

but I kind of wish we

could've used it a little more

as a platform

to talk about things that,

you know, we really wish

we could see changed.

- But, you know what?

This is Drag Race,

and it's, like...

- I'm sorry.

That's how I feel like.

I'm not trying to cut you off,

but that is exactly

my frustration.

This is Drag Race.

This is not the news.

- It's always been my policy,

especially, like,

when I'm working at shows,

you don't mix drag and politics.

I'm out to entertain people

and make them feel good

and not to spread my political

beliefs at the gay bar.

- I mean, the reality

of the fact is,

is Dan Savage is a comedic

political and sex advice writer

who is now taking

responsibility in this world

to try and, you know,

make it better.

I didn't have a Dan Savage

when I was in high school,

and I got it bad.

- Dan Savage

and all he does for, you know,

as an advocate and all that,

it's...it's great.

That's not me...that's Dan.

- We are given an opportunity

that no other drag queen

is given,

and that's a platform

to actually talk about things...

- And I agree with that,

and when I had that platform

to be able to speak,

when I had...

- When I was a kid,

I didn't have a Dan Savage.

- I felt like he trashed me.

Coming in here that serious

about something that was

supposed to be drag-related

and fun at the same time,

mixing views

and important issues

that are going on in the world...

- Right.

- Calm down.

I'm not a really big

fan of politics

because of how ugly it can get.

It doesn't take all that

screaming and hollering

to change the world.

- Did you guys ever run

for anything in school?

- No, I didn't.

- I ran for student council.

- I never did

'cause I didn't want

to really draw

any attention to myself.

I just thought that I would get,

like, harassed more.

- I was the only kid in my

school that,

you know, would say

that I was gay, so...

- Right.

- And, like, I wasn't just gay.

I was, like, gay and weird.

- Right.

- And I got bullied bad,

and I never told my parents

about it.

- I would always tell

the school, and, like,

they would all say, you know,

"Ignore it. Ignore it."

- Kids bully

out of insecurities,

but teachers have

the responsibility to stand in

and help kids

that are getting it.

- I don't know

how things have changed

since I was in high school,

but teachers never really

stepped up to halt anything.

- Well, and as self-serving

as being a drag queen is,

it does feel nice to know that

just having this exposure that

we're having right now...

not to sound cliché, but if I

can just help one child...

- Oh, don't go there.

- Just one.

- [laughing]

- [dramatically] One child,

I've done my part.

- [laughing]

[RuPaul's Cover Girl playing]

- ♪ Cover girl ♪

♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe ♪

♪ Let your whole body talk ♪

And what?

Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- Welcome to the main stage

of RuPaul's Drag Race.

My commander-in-queef,

Michelle Visage.

- Yes, we can,

palm beach princess.

- [chuckling]

And Santino Rice.

How are you?

- I'm good, Ru.

- And our super-delegate

from Absolut, Jeffrey Moran.

- Hello, darling.

- Always good to have you here.

Dan Savage.

Now, is this election

totally leotarded, or what?

- There are some total leotards

running in this election,

but I think

we're gonna be all right.

- This week,

our queens frocked the vote

in a heated presidential debate.

Tonight they're ready

to rock the runway,

dressed for the inaugural ball.

Gentlemen, start your engines,

and may the best woman win.

- Phi Phi O'Hara.

Call her miss Ross.

Her ballot box is stuffed.

- [laughs]

- It's bedazzled is what it is.

- It sure is.

- I want all eyes on me.

I'm serving them fresh,

young inaugural realness.

- She's got this election

all tied up.

- [laughs]

- Dida Ritz.

In all black.

She's courting the black vote.

- [laughs]

- I'm serving Breakfast at

Tiffany's realness.

I feel confident.

I feel so beautiful.

I love my hair, and I love

the color that I went with.

I feel like it is just right.

- President Morticia Addams?

- Ooh, is that a read, Dan?

- Chad Michaels!

- Don't you mean

Lady Bird Michaels?

- Very Marcus Bachmann.

- Ooh.

- In his dreams.

- Yes, in his dreams.

- [laughs]

- I feel like

that Republican lady

that the politician

can take to the ball,

but then take her back home

and she's a whore in bed.

- Very Republican lady.

"Gorge" Bush.

- "Gorge" bush, that's it.

[laughing]

- Latrice Royale.

Working the Beltway.

- Hey.

- You ain't ever

seen a president

look this sexy in your life.

I am throwing it, baby.

I want you to see all this shape

in its full glory.

- Now, that's what I call

a w*r chest.

- [laughs]

- She went that-a-way.

President Sharon Needles.

- Take me to your leader.

- Yes.

- [laughs]

That's what the Bush twins

wanted to wear

to the inaugural ball.

- I am serving

transparency realness

with a gown made

out of pantyhose

and hair

that hits the debt ceiling.

- I can see

right through her candidacy.

- Yes.

That dress shows off

her stimulus package.

- Welcome, ladies.

We've all watched your debate.

Now it's time for some political

analysis from our judges.

Let's start with Phi Phi O'Hara.

Tell us about

your inaugural gown.

- Well, I decided to wear white.

It's fun. It's elegant.

- Or was it just trying

to court the white people?

- [chuckles]

- Or the help?

- Ooh.

- I think it's so great

that the help can sit there

and compete alongside with me.

- I am clearly all about

political incorrectness,

but in order to land an

off-color joke,

it has to be funny, and that

joke came across as offensive.

And being a black woman,

I got a little offended.

- [laughs]

- People shouldn't get upset.

It's a joke,

'cause that's not me. Like...

- I thought your conservative,

Palinesque character

was really funny,

and I thought you did

a really great job.

You could have even taken it

further for my liking.

- But we all have to be

in on the joke.

It's the fart in church.

Not everyone

thinks that's funny.

It sometimes stinks.

- All right.

Next up, Dida Ritz.

- I thought you were

the weakest debater.

There was a lot of word salad

going on.

Just a bunch of words tossed up

into the air,

and it wasn't Tina Fey,

Sarah Palin hilarious.

It was just a little mystifying.

- Well, I tried

as hard as I could.

When questions were being asked

to me,

it was just kind of like

a deer in headlights moment.

It kind of makes me

uncomfortable,

to be honest with you.

- It may be uncomfortable

to talk politics, certainly,

but remember,

you're in the running

for America's next

drag superstar.

You exude beauty,

but we also want to know

that you're smart.

- Next up, Chad Michaels.

Hi, Chad.

- Hi, RuPaul.

- Tell me about the debate.

- This challenge

was intimidating to me.

Heavy debate and politics

are not my forte,

but I didn't come here

not to rise to the occasion,

so I created

the lady pimp character.

- I loved you in the debate,

and I loved your character.

Every four years,

there are joke candidates.

Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann.

- [laughs]

- And you were

sending those guys up.

You were just stellar.

- You're the only queen tonight

that really looks like you're

going to the inauguration.

- I see Mamie Eisenhower

up there,

and it hearkens back to a time

when the economy

wasn't in the f*cking toilet.

- [laughs]

All right, let's move on

to Miss Latrice Royale.

- Hi, Ru.

- What was your platform

and slogan?

- My slogan was, "Everyone

needs peace with Latrice."

And I had a couple of issues,

such as medication

and more funding

for HIV and AIDS patients.

- Did you say that

in the debate?

- I didn't get a chance

to bring it up.

- You say you didn't get

a chance to bring it up,

but there were actually

several opportunities

where the light

hadn't gone off yet,

so you had chances,

but they slipped

through your fingers somehow.

- Right.

- Right now, it looks more like

you're going to an awards show

rather than an inauguration.

It doesn't look expensive

or luxurious,

and, um, is that

your bra strap coming out...

- Right here?

- On this side?

- It made my titty look funny

if I pushed it down.

I can put it away for you.

- Girl, do not wear your bra

sticking out of a gown.

[imitates slap]

- Okay.

- It's better.

- All right.

Up next, Sharon Needles.

So tell me about

your inaugural gown.

- It's, uh,

it's a little futuristic

because, let's be honest,

a drag queen's not gonna be

president for 100 years,

so I had to think ahead.

- [laughs]

- It works. It all works.

The proportions work,

and the nude and the black,

and especially with the hair

you have tonight,

you hit the nail on the head.

- As far as your debate goes,

I just got that you were a woman

there who meant business

and you wanted to be heard.

I thought you got the message

across hilariously.

- I'll be honest, I got scared

as hell when you came out

on the runway tonight.

It was good and bad for me.

- Sharon Needles, is there

anything you'd like to say.

- Um, I love vodka, and, um...

[laughter]

I have responsibly enjoyed your

company many a night.

[laughter]

- Thank you, ladies.

I think we've heard enough.

While you enjoy

an Absolut cocktail

in the Interior

Illusions Lounge,

the judges and I will

deliberate.

[engine starting sound effect]

All right.

Just between us girls,

let's caucus,

starting with Phi Phi O'Hara.

- Phi Phi committed

to the Palinesque character.

Even if one or two of her jokes

fell flat,

I still thought

it was believable.

- I have respect for people

who should be committed

and are committed.

[laughter]

But it kind of flopped.

It didn't really hit the jokes.

So, for me, it misses the mark.

- All right...Dida Ritz.

Well, she said she was

intimidated by this challenge.

- But you have to go

out on a limb sometimes,

and you have to step

out of your comfort zone.

I mean, this is a competition.

- She's a beautiful queen.

- Beautiful.

- But there's always

something off about Dida.

She'll get the hair right

and the makeup right,

and then the body's off.

She'll get the body right,

and then the hair's like, what?

- Now, Michelle, any cons?

[laughter]

- I think she's fierce.

- No, she is, absolutely.

That's why she's here.

- Is she taking advantage

of being here?

Like, is she gonna take some

feedback and make some changes,

or just react defensively?

- Let's move on down the line

to Chad Michaels.

- I loved Chad

during the debate.

It wasn't just

this one-note character,

kind of like Phi Phi had.

Chad had a fully-realized

human being.

- And she was going

for yet another character.

I love a chameleon,

but we've seen a lot already,

and I'd love just a glimpse of

who the real Chad Michaels is.

- All right.

Latrice Royale.

- She didn't have a character.

She started strong,

and I was really in it with her,

and then I think

she lost her way.

- And why do we

have to tell somebody

to tuck their bra in their dre...

like, this is top five, people.

But they shouldn't be making

these mistakes at this point.

- That's true.

- But in the debate,

she was an imposing presence,

uh, and people look for that

in a president.

She had gravitas.

- There's an ointment

that will clear that up.

[laughter]

Sharon Needles.

- I love her aesthetic

and I love her sense of humor,

and I thought

it was really effective.

We're all here,

pretending that a drag queen

could get elected president,

and she walked out there

and said, "Not for 100 years."

- [laughs]

- And she's right.

- But you have to remember,

if you're gonna be America's

next drag superstar,

you don't want to do

shock value all the time.

- All right.

Silence!

Bring back...my girls.

Welcome back, ladies.

The votes have been tallied.

Chad Michaels,

you created

a candidate with character,

and you took the wig party

back to its roots.

You're safe.

- Thanks, guys.

- Sharon Needles, you took your

campaign to hell and back

and gave us much more

than politics as usual.

Condragulations, you are the

winner of this challenge...

[applause]

And you've won a $5,000

gift certificate

from interiorillusionshome.com.

- Thank you so much, and, um,

see you at the Iowa primary.

- Dida Ritz,

during the debates,

you cracked.

I'm sorry, my dear,

but you are up for elimination.

- Oh, my God.

I'm gagging.

The last thing I want is for me

to be in the bottom two.

- Phi Phi O'Hara, your

politically incorrect politician

was...polarizing.

Latrice Royale, your debating

skills were debatable.

Phi Phi O'Hara...

you're safe.

You may join the other girls.

Latrice Royale,

I'm sorry, my dear,

but you are up for elimination.

- [silently]

Okay.

I'm devastated,

but I'm not ready to go.

- Two queens stand before me.

Ladies, this is your last chance

to impress me

and save yourself

from elimination.

The time has come for you

to lip-synch for your life.

[dramatic music]

Good luck...

and don't f*ck it up.

- ♪ I've really got to use ♪

♪ My imagination ♪

♪ To think of good reasons ♪

♪ To keep on keepin' on ♪

- ♪ Keep on keepin' on ♪

- I am in heaven.

I am channeling Superstar.

♪ ♪

Honey, I feel

like I'm performing

to an arena of 20,000 people.

- ♪ Darkness all around me ♪

- This is old school.

- ♪ Blockin' out the sun ♪

- You need to understand where

these words are coming from

and get the emotion out,

and that's what I did.

- ♪ Such a sad, sad season ♪

- ♪ Sad, sad season ♪

- ♪ When a good love dies ♪

- ♪ When a good love dies ♪

- ♪ Ever since that day ♪

- ♪ Ever since that day ♪

- ♪ I woke up and found out ♪

♪ That you were gone ♪

- ♪ You're so strong ♪

♪ Got to keep on ♪

- Latrice was taking me

to church.

I mean, my skin started smoking.

She was good.

- ♪ To keep on pushin' on ♪

- ♪ I got to use ♪

- ♪ I said ♪

♪ I got to make the best of ♪

- ♪ The best of, best of ♪

- ♪ I've really got to use ♪

- ♪ I've got to use ♪

- ♪ A little imagination ♪

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Ladies,

I have made my decision.

Latrice Royale...

shantay, you stay.

You may join the other girls.

- Thank you, thank you.

Love you, baby.

- [whispering]

- Dida Ritz,

you are a young queen

with a lot of imagination,

so keep on keepin' on.

Now, sashay away.

- Thank you.

See you later.

I'm not upset.

I have no regrets at all.

This is only the beginning.

I've made it all the way

to top five,

and I am Drag Race royalty now.

- Ladies, as you know,

each week,

I consult with the judges,

but the final decision

is mine to make.

Once again, I've been criticized

for sending some of my queens

home too soon.

Michelle, I want you

to confer with Santino

to decide which one

of the eliminated queens

deserves to return...

[dramatic chord]

To this competition.

- [gasps]

- Oh, sh*t.

Here we go again.

- No!

Bitch, top four.

No mo' hos.

- Will it be Alisa summers,

Lashauwn Beyond, the Princess,

Madame LaQueer,

Li'l Kenya Michaels,

Milan, Jiggly Caliente,

Willam, or Dida Ritz?

Choose wisely, Michelle,

for the world is watching.

Now, if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell

you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an amen in here?

- all: Amen.

- All right.

Now let the music play.