01x02 - The Clip show Wherein Dante and Randal are Locked in the Freezer and Remember Some of the Great Moments in Their

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer]

Next week on Clerks.

[Telephone Ringing]

- Hello? No way.
- [Voice Speaking Rapidly]

It's my day off.
I'm not comin' in!

I don't care what it is--
fire, flood, robbery.

What? We were robbed?
I'll be right there.

Crime scene.
Nobody enters.

- I work here, sir.
- Poor bastard.
It's pretty gruesome.

- [Door Bell Ringing]
- They tore this place apart.
Animals.

Actually, officer, this is how
we left it last night.

Son, you sell
cigarettes here.

Show some pride.
Remember:

The first step to respecting
yourself is respecting the job.

Almost forgot. Do you have
a copy of Fat Chics?

[Announcer] Clerks is drawn
before a live studio audience.

[Scoffs]
There you are.

Are you gonna open
the video store?

In a minute, you harpie.

- Good morning.
- It's 11:59.

- Still technically the morning.
- [Chuckling]
He's got you there.

- Who's this?
- This is a locksmith.

He's putting new locks
on all the doors.

- We were robbed.
- Was it you?

- Inside job?
- No!

Okay, all done here.

Nobody is getting
in this door.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I should get back.
They broke into my place too.

This thing looks
pretty flimsy.

Randal, remember
what that guy said?

[Locksmith's Voice]
Nobody is getting
in this door.

Sorry.
I forgot my tools.

- I think we should
test it out.
- Fine. Test it out.

- Seems pretty good.
- I stand corrected.

- What are you doing in here?
- I wanted to test it too.

Great.
Now we're locked in.

What? We're trapped?
This is all your fault.

We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!

Calm down!

- God, it's cold.
- [Shudders] It's Hoth cold.

Move around. Make more Star Wars
references. It helps to stay warm.

You know, if this were a sitcom
and we got locked in a freezer,

we'd probably flash back
to all our old episodes.

Yeah.
[Chuckling]

Say, do you remember
that time...

Leonardo Leonardo opened
that convenience store
across the street?

Oh, yeah.
The convenience store of the future.

I give you,
the people of Leonardo,

the future!

Boy, I thought we were
in trouble for sure.

Speaking of trouble,
how about that time Leonardo
had us up to his office?

I want to offer you a job
working here for me.

I want you
lock, stock and barrel.

- Is this some sort of gay thing?
- No.

- You're sure?
- Yes.

- That was the same time.
- What?

That was the same time Leonardo
opened the convenience store
across the street.

Right. Well,
what about the time...

we had to break into
Leonardo's office?

We're almost there.

Why are we walking
like this?

That was also the same time.

- So?
- So, a lot more's happened to us
than just last week.

Oh, yeah?
Name something.

Well--

Ah! Do you remember
the first time we ever met?

Oh, yeah.

We're almost there.

Why are we walking
like this?

That wasn't the first time we met.
That was last week again.

Sorry. The cold
must be getting to me.

You gotta stay awake.
Someone will find us.

Now, think back. Do you
remember the first time we met?

Oh, my God.
That was 15 years ago.



[New Wave]

Dante, this is Randal.
Randal, Dante.

- Hey.
- Hi.

God. I can't believe
what we looked like back then.

You know, I don't think
that is the first time
we ever met each other.

- Of course it is.
- No, wait.

When we were little, did you
ever have a lemonade stand?

[Man]
Flashing back to little Randal
in the '70s selling lemonade.

Does this lemonade have
sugar in it? I'm a diabetic.

I don't know.
Sure.

Oh, well, never mind.

What?
Then no.

- Really?
- Whatever.

- What's that?
- [Angelic Chorus]

Hey, Randal, I want you
to meet my cousin, Dante.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So, do you remember
meeting me?

Huh?
Yeah, whatever.

- It's frozen.
- [Door Bell Ringing]

Hey, it's Mrs. Koren.
She'll help us.

- I knew the customers had to be
good for something eventually.
- Mrs. Koren!

[No Audible Dialogue]

She took my coat. I carry
her groceries all the time.

The weed of crime bears
bitter fruit, you old hag!

Wow. Where have I
heard that before?

The weed of crime bears
bitter fruit, you old hag!

This is for you.

[Sobbing]

Oh, yeah.
Boy, her mother was hot.

Hey, do you think
there's enough air in here?

- No.
- You know what this
reminds me of?

The last time we got
locked in a freezer.

Remember?

Let's make sure, whatever we do,
this never happens again.

You know what this
reminds me of?

The last time we got locked
in a freezer. Remember?

Let's make sure, whatever we do,
this never happens again.

All right, well,
let's make sure that this time,

whatever we do,
this never happens again.

Hey, how'd we get out of the freezer
those last two times?

- You know, I don't remember.
- Me neither. Weird.

- Snooch to the nooch.
- How did you get in here?

- The metal thing with the knob.
- It's a door.

Don't let it... shut.
Locked.

- Are we stuck in here?
- Yep.

- Cool!
- Psst.

They're using all our air.

No they're not.

[Gasps]
Soda monster!

It's amazing
what you can do with ice.

Man, it's cold in here,
like that planet Hoth in Empire.

We've already made
that Star Wars reference.

If we had a light saber,
I could--

[Making Light Saber Sounds]

slice up tubby here,
and we could crawl inside him
and stay warm for the night.

Let me out!
Someone!

How'd youse guys
get stuck in here anyway?

That's easy. I remember it
just like it was yesterday.

I'm going to
restock the shelves,

and then I'm off to accept
my Nobel Peace Prize.

- As for you, Dante,
don't let that door shut.
- [Cat Screeching]

I'm the biggest idiot ever.

That's not what happened.
That's not what happened at all.

- Dude, you're a tool.
- He doesn't even have
a Peace Prize!

Yeah, right.
You know, one time,

me and Silent Bob were
by this metal thing with a knob.

Snooch to the nooch.

- Youse guys remember that?
- Yes! You just did it.

Deja-frickin'-vu.

Well,
that was pointless.

- Yeah.
- How about you?

We're almost there.

Why are we walking
like this?

You know, we've been in here
for almost six hours.

It's funny. Sitting here, trapped
in a freezer, waiting to die,

you know what I've been
thinking about?

Which one of them
we're gonna eat?

- No. I was thinking
of Kaitlin Bree.
- Oh, I knew that chick.

- She was sweet!
- Kaitlin and I went steady
for most of high school.

You know, I lost
my virginity to her.

Duh. I know that.
I was there.

Oh, Kaitlin.

Ah, Kaitlin-Shmaitlin.

She cheated on you all the time,
broke your heart...

and left you an obsessed
wreck of a man who works...

- in a convenience store.
- You work here too.

At least I have my dignity,
and tapes of you
having sex with Kaitlin.

You know,
she only cheated on me once.

Oh, yeah? Remember the time she
got you to help paint her house?

- Nobody's perfect.
- Do you remember what happened
at your dad's birthday party?

For he's a jolly good fellow
which nobody can deny

Where's Kaitlin?

I thought it was weird
that she invited the painter
to my dad's birthday party.

And how about that time at
the painter's birthday party?

[Party Horns Blaring]

I thought it was weird that
the painter invited us...

- to his birthday party.
- I rest my case.

Man, give the guy a break.
You're like the cops.

I remember this one time
Silent Bob and I were on the run.

[Siren Wailing]

- She was with two painters?
- At the same time.

- I understand.
- Dude, it was a three-way!

- What do you say we talk about--
- An all-painter three-way, man!

Randal, how would you like it if
we talk about your love life?

You always have
to bring this up?

- You ordered an Asian
mail-order bride.
- He did?

Well, it turns out Randal
filled out the form wrong.

Instead of ordering
a mail-order bride--

I got a mail-order husband.

I go to work now at factory.

Dinner must be on the table
at 5:15 when I return.

Look, buddy, I don't know
who you think--

How dare you talk back!
You have disgraced me.

Now, walk me to my car.

You are to remain three steps
behind me at all times.

- Fine.
- No talking!

Ew! You were married
to a dude?

Actually,
it wasn't so bad.

- I am pleased!
- [Giggling]

Domo, Toshiro-san.

Dude, so what happened
to your guy husband?

His company transferred him
back to Japan, thank God.
Right, Randal?

Right.
Good-bye, Toshiro,

wherever you are.

Well, look on the bright side.
You know what they say:

"Unlucky at love,
lucky at cards."

That's us to a "T."

You lose!

I guess we're not lucky
at cards or love.

Which is why we almost
became priests, remember?

- [Church Bells Tolling]
- [Cardinal] Do you,
Novitiates Hicks and Graves,

before God and His church, now
voluntarily take the solemn vows...

of obedience, poverty
and chastity?

[Together]
We do.

Then by the powers invested in me
by the state of New Jersey,

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

[Together]
What?

I can't believe I married
two guys in one year.

Come on, Silent Bob. Let's
get out of here before this
guy makes you his next bride.

How are you gonna
manage that, genius?

Oh, my God.
We're free!

[Together]
Free, free, free!

No, I meant we're free.

Can you give me a lift?
I just have to grab something
from the video store.

It's 3:00 a.m. My baby has been
home alone since this morning.

- Where have you been?
- Sorry, ma'am. We close at 9:00.

Uh-oh. The key
broke in the lock.

We're trapped?
Again?

Hello? Anyone?
Lady with the dead baby?

It's official.
God is mocking us.

- Man, it's hot in here.
- Turn on the AC.

[Shuddering]
It's like a freezer in here.

You broke the air conditioning,
and now it's freezing.

- Use your crowbar again.
- It wasn't me, remember?

Oh, yeah.

- Even though I remember
who had the crowbar,
- [Cat Screeching]

I'm still
the biggest idiot ever.

- Stop that.
- Hey, you wanna watch a video?

- Good idea. What do you got?
- Spielberg's latest opus.

It combines his nose
for commercial properties...

with his integrity as
a chronicler of the holocaust.

Flintstone's List.
Liam Neeson as "Fred."

We're not watching that.

Hey, remember the time
we watched that?

Take them away.

Amistad was much funnier.

You know, sitting here
with all these movies,

I was just thinking about
all the cool celebrities...

that have stopped into
the Quick Stop over the years.

Yeah, we've sure seen
our share of stars...

for a little convenience store
in New Jersey.

- Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
- I'm on a break.

- Why does 2% milk--
- I don't care. I'm on a break.
Get out of here!

- But I have a membership.
Paltrow, Gwyneth.
- I said, get out of here.

- We're closed. Get the hell out!
- [Screams]

Get the hell out,
Scorsese!

Screw you, Miss Hepburn!

Up yours, Matt Damon!

- It's Ted Danson!
- Hey, it's Ted Danson!

Hey, it's Ted Danson.

It's payback time.

- [Glass Shattering]
- [Man Screams]

And that's just some of the fun
we've had here in Leonardo.

How about all the places
we've travelled over the years?

Do you remember
that contest we won?

Two weeks in merry old
London, England.

Working in an English
convenience store.

Ahh, this is the life.

We've just gotta
get away more often.

- Pack of f*gs.
- You're a f*g.

- It's a cigarette, mate.
- I'm not your mate, f*g.

Boy, it wasn't
until years later...

that we found out what "f*g"
really meant, right, mate?

- You're a f*g.
- No.

- A f*g's a cigarette, remember?
- You're a cigarette.

Well, at least that London trip
was a lot better than our next trip.

Amongst the living dead
of India.

Do you have any chutney,
lassie?

- In the back next to the milk.
- We don't have any milk.

- We do now.
- [Gasps] Milk!

- [Mooing]
- How come all you convenience store
guys are always American?

Speak Hindu.

- Boy, that trip was really ironic.
- Yeah, that was some great irony.

But let's not forget our
most memorable trip of all.

Ew.

Let's get out of here.

You know, lookin' back, I'd say
we make a pretty good team.

Except for that time we moved
out of our folks' places
and got an apartment together.

Remember how we split it
in half like a bad sitcom?

That's your side,
this is mine.

I better not see you
touchin' my side.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Hey, stupids,
I live here too.

- Right, yeah.
- Uh, sorry.
- [Audience Applauding]

Then I found us
a great place to live
at that beach house,

but you got us thrown out
from the Real World.

You're kickin' Randal out?
You're kickin' Randal out?

Oh, like none of you
have ever done what Randal did.
Randal doesn't need this.

He's been my friend for years,
but it was too creepy.

He just kept referring
to himself in the third person.

Randal doesn't need them. Randal
will start his own Real World.

And I did, with the help
of the store security camera.

Welcome to Randal's Real World.

It doesn't get any realer
than this piece of footage.
Let's take a look.

[Randal] I'm Dante,
and I'm the biggest idiot ever.

- I never saw your show.
- You'd have loved it.

Speaking of shows,
how about that time...

I won the big dance contest
with Joanie Cunningham.

That wasn't you. That was Fonzie
on an episode of Happy Days.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, Happy Days
had a lot of great moments.

Do you remember the one where
the Fonz jumped over all those
trash cans outside of Arnold's?

- Hey!
- [Tires Screeching]

And how about the one where the Fonz
jumped over the shark? Wow!

Hey!

Hey!

Or what about the time Richie
was on the dude ranch...

and Joanie fell asleep
on the wagon--

We talked about old Happy Days
episodes for the rest of the night.

When we didn't come home,
my mom sent the cops to look for us.

They had to break down the door
of the video store.

And that's when we remembered
there was a phone we could've used.

- See you guys later. Good game.
- See ya.

- Great story. We'll see you later.
- Come on, Randal.

Let's go home.

- I don't believe this!
- Come on.

Wait a minute.
There's a door over there.

[Man Narrating] I didn't see
much of the guys after that night.

- ["Stand By Me"]
- Dante moved away.
He's married now, I heard.

Randal? Well,
he owns the video store.

I always say hi
when I stop in.

Skeeter was drafted
and k*lled in Vietnam.

As for Silent Bob, well,

he became
Senator Robert Blutarski.

They were my best friends.

Grandpa, you promised
you'd take us for ice cream.

Okay. Let's go.

Snooch to the nooch.

[Announcer]
Next week on Clerks.

Now, let's make sure, whatever
we do, this never happens again.

[Chuckling]
You said it!

We're almost there.

Why are we walking
like this?

- It's been raining all day.
- I'm bored.

I know. Let's make a movie.
Take off your shirt.

- [Jay] Hold it, kids.
- Oh, my God!

- It's Jay and Silly Bob!
- That's Silent Bob.

- And NBA great, Charles Barkley!
- Hey, kids.

I thought we told you
to get out of here!

Now that he's gone, how would you
kids like to learn a magic trick?

[Together]
Yea!

Watch what happens when we take
an ordinary quarter,

cover it with this glass
and a handkerchief,

and say the magic words.

- Alika-nooch!
- It's gone!

That's right.

Now, how would you, and you at home,
like to learn the secret?

First, get your mom's permission
to use the scissors.

Find a piece of paper,
three pieces of tape and
an ordinary drinking glass.

First, we cut a small paper circle
and tape it to the glass.

That way the quarter's covered
when we put the glass over it.

Then we say the magic words,
alika-nooch,
and evoke the dark lord, Satan.

We offer this girl's soul
to you, Master.

And... the quarter is gone.

- Ta-da!
- That's great!

- I'm scared.
- Thanks, Jay.

- Thanks, Silent Bob.
- Sure. Whatever.

And remember,
just because it rains--

- Doesn't mean you can't
have a parade.
- What?

Now take off your shirt.