01x04 - A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know A

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Clerks: The Animated Series". Aired: May 31, 2000 – December 14, 2002.*
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The continuing adventures of clerks Dante and Randal, who try to make the best of their menial labor, with no help from Jay and Silent Bob.
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01x04 - A Dissertation on the American Justice System by People Who Have Never Been Inside a Courtroom, Let Alone Know A

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[Announcer]

Good evening.
How was your day?

Not getting any better.
I tell you, I'm exhausted.

You're exhausted?
I had three people rent today.

Three people?
Randal, three people is nothing.

It is when you're trying to figure
out which three people to rent to.

- I've been waiting for weeks.
- Let's see. You're too fat.

You're too insipid.
Weren't you Natalie
on Facts of Life?

You hired someone
to work the door?

I can't have just anyone
coming to rent a video.

R.S.T.'s a place where people
come to live out their fantasies
and dance the night away.

No, R.S.T. is where people
are supposed to rent movies.

Tell that to Disco Granny.

- Dum-Dum.
- That's my club name.

[Randal]
Clerks is drawn by
a live studio audience.

Man, you got it easy over there.
I'd love to see you actually
have to work for a day.

Oh, like you've got it tough
over here? I could do your job.

Oh, yeah? You could
never handle Quick Stop.

Oh, yeah? You could
never handle R.S.T.

And neither of you can handle
a balloon angioplasty
on a collapsed aorta.

- Oh, yeah?
- [Ambulance Siren Wails]

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

[Screams]

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
You could never work at R.S.T.

- You could never handle
the Quick Stop.
- Oh, yeah? I'll prove it.

Let me open the store
for you tomorrow morning.

[Scoffs]
You'll crack under
the pressure, my friend.

There's the coffee,
the papers, the morning rush hour--

Yeah, it's real rocket science.
Listen, if I can dress myself,

I'm sure I could handle
the Quick Stop.

Call me if you have
any problems.

Please, it'll be as simple
as driving a car.

- [Shouting]
Where are my pants?
- [Crash]

[Phone Ringing]

- Hello?
- Good morning.

I just wanted to illustrate
how qualified and responsible I am.

It's not even 8:00 yet and I'm here.
But before I officially open,

I need you to swear me in
as the complete lord and master
of the Quick Stop.

[Exasperated Sigh] Fine.
Randal Graves, you are now in
complete control of Quick Stop.

- Call me if you have any problems.
- Oh, like that'll happen.

[Phone Ringing]

- [Window Smashing,
- Man Screams] Hello!

- Um, hello.
- What's all that racket?

That's the TV.

[Man]
I'm gonna burn this place to the
ground and pee-pee on the ashes.

- Oh, my God! Who's that?
- That? That's Regis.

[Man]
Who are you talking to, boy?

- [Glass Smashing]
- Answer me!

[Man #2]
Maybe he'll answer to this.

- [Chain Saw Buzzing]
- Randal! Randal!

[Randal]
Um, maybe you better get down here.

- Mother of God.
- [Shotgun Cocks]

- Don't sh**t! It's just me!
- Dante?

I opened up
and everything was fine.

Then people started coming in
and buying things. It was horrible.

I knew you couldn't handle this
place. We gotta clean it up
before someone hurts themselves.

Nobody's gonna hurt
themselves, or us.

Not on my watch.

Well, I'm glad that's done.

- Me too. I'm bushed.
- Can you at least take
the garbage out back?

Come on, man. What if
that big bee's out there again?

- Open up the bag.
I wanna swish this can.
- Uh-uh.

First you have to officially
swear me back in as lord and
master of Quick Stop.

When are you gonna
grow up? Fine.

Dante Hicks, you're now in
complete charge of the Quick Stop.

That's weird.
I could have swore I got game.

Yo, clerks, do you guys sell--
[Screams]

I think that stuff
just kicked in, Silent Bob.

[Chuckles]
Burn-boy fall down and go boom.

What are you talking about?
I didn't fall, man. Did I fall?

- Youse guys are dead!
- Wait, wait, wait.

- You dropped five bucks
on the floor.
- Where? [Screams]

Classic. I could
do this for hours.

- Go, now.
- No way.

I want a pack of smokes for all that
mental anguish I just went through.

We're not giving you
jack squat.

If you don't give me smokes,
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna--

- Gonna what? Sue us for
falling down in the store?
- Maybe.

Oh, yeah? How much you gonna
sue us for, ten million dollars?

- Maybe.
- Don't give him any ideas.

No, he should sue us. Come on.
Do we have any high-powered
lawyers in this joint?

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm
a high-powered lawyer and I'm
trying to get back to Manhattan.

Hey, buddy, check this out.
This guy slipped and fell
in a puddle of soda...

we negligently left
lying on the floor,

and now he's thinking about
suing the store for
like ten million bucks.

- Wanna take this case?
- I'm afraid I'm too busy
to take on that case.

- Good day, gentlemen.
- Who are you kidding?

You don't wanna take the case
because you'd lose big-time.

You're not good enough to win
what's so clearly a Rainmaker,

Mr. Fancy-Car-Driver with
your seat belts that actually
work and your AM/FM radio.

Sorry I'm late.
I got lost in New Jersey.

Of course you were lost.
You always lose.

That's why you won't take
Jay's case. 'Cause you're a loser.

[Randal]
How the hell can you
sleep at night?

You in your pajamas that fit
and your underwear...

with the elastic in the
waistband that's still good.

Take the case!

[Chanting]
Take the case!
Take the case! Take the case!

All right! As of this moment,
I and my firm will be lead
counsel in the matter...

of Jay vs. The Two Clerks
at the Quick Stop.

Wait. I wasn't in charge
when he fell. It was him,
Dante Hicks.

Then we'll be suing
Quick Stop and Dante Hicks
for ten million dollars.

- What? What did I do?
- [Disco Granny] Dum-Dum?

[Theme From People's Court]

[Announcer]
This is the plaintiff. He
claims that a negligent clerk...

poured magic slippery stuff
on the Quick Stop floor...

and refused to sell him cigarettes,
even though he had no money.

He's suing for


- [Jeering]
- This is the defendant,
Dante Hicks.

His friend Randal says he suffers
from chronic nocturnal emissions...

during which he cries out
the name of the heavyset woman...

with the receding hairline
they always see at the laundromat.

He's being sued
for 10 million dollars.

All rise. The Honorable
Judge Reinhold presiding.

Show some respect
for Judge Reinhold!

I'm sorry, Judge.

That's okay. It's more laughs
than I got in Head Office.

Be seated. Superior Court
of Leonardo will come to order.

The case of "Jay",
a.k.a. "the letter J",

vs. Quick Stop Enterprises
and Dante Hicks
for 10 million dollars.

- Is the defendant here?
- Yes, Your Honor.

- Great. Is the plaintiff here?
- Yes, Your Honor.

- Who?
- You. You're the plaintiff.

You hear that, Silent Bob?
I'm a plaintiff. Whoo-hoo!
Plaintiff!

[Imitating Guitar]
Plaintiff. Plaintiff!

[Crowd Chanting]
Plaintiff! Plaintiff!
Plaintiff! Plaintiff!

Plaintiff! Plaintiff!
Plaintiff!

- Sweet deal.
- Where's my lawyer? The boss
said he would send one over.

Your Honor,
if it pleases the court,

Randal Graves
for the defense.

No, this man is not
my lawyer.

Mr. Hicks, you are
out of order,

just like Spicoli
in Mr. Hand's history class.

What are you doing?
You're gonna get us both
sent to jail.

In Virginia, anyone who passes
the bar can be a lawyer.

- You haven't passed the bar
and this isn't Virginia.
- They don't know that.

Your Honor, may I point out
that this man is not a lawyer,

and we are relatively sure
this is not Virginia.

Your Honor, may I point out
that I've seen all of your movies,

including Zandalee
and Vice Versa.

- I'm going to allow it.
- At this point,
I'd like it noted...

that neither my client
nor myself recognize
this court's authority.

Very well.
Let's bring in the jury.

[Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...

- your Leonardo County Jury!
- [Crowd Cheering]

- [Begins]
- At foreman, number 31,
Reggie Miller.

Number 4,
Charles Barkley.

- Number 33, Patrick Ewing.
- [Crowd] "Ewww"!

Number 3,
Allen Iverson.

Number 33,
Grant Hill.

And the rest of
your Leonardo jury.

- What do you think?
- Oh, my gosh. They're all black.

- Where's Chris Mullin?
- I think we may have some
trouble with Allen Iverson.

All right,
this court's adjourned
until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow...

when I'll hear
the closing arguments.

- [Whispering]
- Opening arguments.

The jury will be sequestered and
allowed no contact with anyone
for the rest of this case.

We get to stay
in a hotel? Sweet.

[Announcer #2] Welcome to
Madison Square Garden for this
year's N.B.A. All-Star game.

Strangely, we've been informed
that the starting all-stars
have failed to show up.

And they'll be replaced
by players from the W.N.B.A.
And here they come.

[Crowd Jeering]

[Announcer #2]
We now return you to Will and Grace.

[Reporters]
Jay! Jay!

Jay, over here.
Are the media way too
interested in this case?

Jay, what did that guy
just ask you?

Jay, don't you hate people who try
to do Austin Powers impressions?

- [Imitating Austin Powers]
Yeah, baby, yeah.
- Oh, behave.

- Dante, over here.
- Oh, God! Look at all the press.

Don't worry. I'll handle this.
Here's Mr. Guilty, boys. Fire away.

- Dante, wouldn't you be better
defended by a stupid monkey?
- No further questions.

- Where are we going?
- I hired a jury consultant.

Someone who can help us
know what the jury is thinking
and how to talk to 'em.

- Hey, Lando.
- Hey, Dante. Hey, Randal.

- [Dogs Growling]
- Woman, what's with the dogs?
Down, boy, down.

Lando, the jury on Dante's
case is all black. We need
to know what they wanna hear.

Right, right.
Black jury.

Black jury.
Jury that's all black.

Twelve men, all black.
Black jury.

- Twelve black men, all black--
- Lando!

Right. Well, boys,
the key here is to let them know
that you're one of them.

- One of them. Hmm.
- [Growling]

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

Dante Hicks
is just like you.

- He loves grape soda.
- Hmm?

He knows what it's like
when the guy in the supermarket
won't take your "food stamps,"

- [Grunting]
- or how it feels
to wait all month...

for your "welfare check."

- [Growling]
- Hey, ho!

Hey, ho!
Thank you.

- Wow.
- Great. Now the jury hates us.

Nonsense. I've got them
eating out of my hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, so help you God?

- I do.
- Mr. Hicks,

where were you on the date
of February 20, 1997?

Probably the store.
I don't remember.

He doesn't remember.
How convenient.

Mr. Hicks, in sixth grade,
did you or did you not...

urinate all over
the boys' bathroom floor?

- That was you.
- Yes or no?

- No.
- I remind you, you're under oath.

- No, it was you.
- Your Honor, strike
that from the record.

Dante-- if I may call
you that-- why should this jury...

believe anything you say?

- Well--
- Show us on the doll
where they touched you.

- Nobody touched me.
- Who was it? There's no more
running from your past.

- Who touched you?
- I hate you.

Mr. Pearson, your witness.

I will turn the questioning
over to the members of my team.

Here to question Mr. Hicks
are two giggling girls.

[Giggling]
Okay. Do you, like,
have a girlfriend?

No, I don't
have a girlfriend.

- Oh, my God. I told you.
[Giggling]
- This stinks.

Your Honor, the defense
calls Miss Nicole Corwin--
a surprise witness.

State your name
and occupation.

Nicole Corwin.
I work at the mall.

Do you remember
seeing me at the mall?

- Yeah, you're the guy
they threw out of the bookstore.
- Correct.

What is your phone number,
Miss Corwin?

- 555-0145.
- Thank you.

Your Honor,
if it pleases the court,

we'd like to play the 911 tapes
from that fateful night.

- [Phone Ringing]
- [Woman] 911. Hello?

[Jay]
Shut up, shut up. They're there.

[Jay]
Uh, yeah, we need an ambulance
at 1611 Uranus Avenue.

- [Whispering]
I said "Uranus."
- Sir, what's your name?

Uranus.
[Whispering]
I said it again, Randal.

[Randal]
Good one, Jay. Now hang up.

Randal, we're not
doing so good.

I want you to call a witness that
has something to do with the case!

Don't worry so much.
I've got it under control.

- The defense calls George Lucas.
- George Lucas!

State your name
and latest film.

George Lucas.
Star Wars, Episode One:
The Phantom Menace.

And do you think Phantom Menace
is as good a movie as Empire?

Well, certainly.
I think it's the best movie
I've made yet.

Permission to treat
this witness as hostile?

Mr. Lucas, how do you
explain that in Star Wars
Obi-Wan tells Luke...

that when he met his father
he was a great pilot, but in
Menace he's just a little boy?

- Well, my kids thought--
- And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke...

that Yoda is the Jedi
that trained him,

but in the movie
Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan?

- Uh, well, the power of myth--
- Isn't it true you knew
this was a bad movie?

That you wrote it over
a weekend, but kept telling
people it was done for years?

Objection, Your Honor.
The pod race was pretty cool.

May I remind the court
that Your Honor has never been
in a George Lucas movie?

- And you were age appropriate
for the Liam Neeson role.
- I'm going to allow it.

I want my eight bucks back.

Get him out of my sight!

The defense now calls
Steven Spielberg.

- Your Honor, what is
the point of this?
- I agree.

Your Honor, you've also
never been in a Spielberg movie.

- I was in Gremlins.
- But not Gremlins 2.

Hey, you're right.
I'm going to allow it.

What was the deal
with Hook?

I want
my eight bucks back.

Man, Batman and Robin
was so gay.

The defense rests,
Your Honor.

- You're resting. How are we doing?
- Great.

Good night, gentlemen.
The minivan is downstairs.

And I remind you,
no talking about the case.

Man, that Dante is guilty.

- Yeah, guilty.
- Guilty!

And that lawyer of his
is an idiot.

Hey, tonight's
franks and beans.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Are they talking
about us?

I'm dead.
The case is over.

I'm gonna have to pay
even paid off my car.

Hold on a second.
Look at this.

"I have information
that is vital to your case.

If you wanna win,
you must meet me alone."

- I'm not going.
- This is my only chance.

You got me into this.
You're getting me out of this.

Fine! I'll go.

I'll win the case with
the secret information. Oooh.

- Are you the man
I'm supposed to see?
- You can call me "X."

I was in Black Ops,
'61-'63.

Covert stuff involving
the C.I.A. and donkey shows.

All of it illegal.
All of it very erotic.

What I'm gonna tell you
is strictly top secret.

- You know who's behind all this?
- You're asking the wrong questions.

The "who" and the "what"
is scenery.

Ask the big one: "why."

Why did they want
this man tried?

Why is this sending shock waves
through the corridors
of power in Washington?

- Who benefits?
- You said not to ask "who."

- Just this once is okay.
- So what does this have to do
with Dante and the Quick Stop?

Dante? Quick Stop?
Well, you see--

- Did you get anything?
- A souvenir
from the Lincoln Memorial.

That's the Washington Monument.
God, they're going
to find me guilty.

Don't worry. I have one last
card up my sleeve that's gonna
blow this case wide open.

Your Honor, the defense
calls Jay's best friend
and closest confidante,

- Silent Bob.
- [Gasping]

- [Gasping]
- Who?

Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

If he won't speak,
the witness is dismissed.

Damn! I didn't get
to ask my case-winning question.

- Which is?
- Why in the hell is he
called Silent Bob anyway?

Okay. I'll now hear
closing statements. Mr. Pearson?

- None needed.
- Mr. Graves?

Make this good, Randal.
You're all I've got.

[Clears Throat]
Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

why in the hell is he
called Silent Bob anyway?

- I'm dead.
- Well, if there's nothing else,

the jury may begin
their deliberation.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury
reached a verdict?

Yes. In the case of
Jay vs. Dante Hicks,

we find in favor of...
the plaintiff.

Bummer. Mr. Hicks, you can pay off
the 10 million in installments...

by working at the Quick Stop
for the rest of your life.

No-o-o-o!

It was just a nightmare.
I gotta get to the courthouse.

In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks,
we find in favor of...

Randal, the best lawyer in the world
and give him 10 million dollars.

- [People Cheering]
- I'm Dante,

and I'm the
biggest idiot ever.

[Chuckles]
I've gotta put that one
in my dream journal.

- Has the jury reached a verdict?
- [Man] Hold it!

- ["Axel F."]
- Billy, I need your help, man.

All right! Axel!

[Laughing]

I'm sorry.
We're all out of bananas.

Axel, don't go.

- Honey, wake up.
- What?

Ohh. I had that dream again.

[Announcer #2]
Patrick Ewing actually
makes a jump shot...

and the Knicks win
an important game.

Patrick, we have to
get to the court.

- Are you having another dream
about your crappy jump shot?
- [Door Opens]

Guys, they gave us five dollars
for breakfast today.

I wish this trial
would never end.

Hey, bailiff,
bring in the jury.

- Hey, are you
the biggest idiot ever?
- No, you are.

Okay, this isn't
a dream then. Good luck.

Has the jury reached
a verdict?

In the case of Jay vs. Dante Hicks,
we find in favor of--

[Announcer]

We find in favor of...
big American party.

- Yea!
- [Boy] Everybody disco dancing.

Lots of fun. Good time for all.
I'm having very good time.

Robot dancing.

Oh, no, police!

[Screaming]

Quickly, in here.
Who's driving?

Oh, my God!
Bear is driving. How can that be?

- [Sirens Wailing]
- Car full of midgets.

Korean animation studio.

- Everybody work!
- [Man] Aaah!

- Everybody work! Everybody work!
- [Man] Aaah!

He big mean man.
Whip us. We are slaves.

Here we are.
[Screaming]

Help us!

- We will stop you.
- There is no escape this time.

No, it is you who will be
the one escaping. Not Pikachu.

Please don't sue.
Ha, ha, ha.

Axel Foley, Judge Reinhold.

- [Laughing]
- Tom Cruise!

- Oh, no!
- You want the truth?
You can't handle the truth!

- Show me the money.
- [Bones Cracking]

Oh, no!

[Randal]
Next week on Clerks.

Give me all your money!
The safe too!

- Hold on. I'm new here.
- You're all out of paper towels.

- [Screaming]
- Awesome! Totally awesome!

Way to go, Hamilton!
[Screams]

- That's it. I'm gonna
sue you for 10 million dollars.
- Me too.
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