01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]

Naughty boy!

See you later.

Ooh.

Who was that?

No idea.

That's because you weren't looking at her face.

Where were YOU looking?

I liked her hair.

What colour was it?

Enough of these trick questions. Go on, fetch your brush.

There's only you, me and the milkman not in bed.

I never brought you up to be thinking about three in a bed.

Why you listening to those fruit pies?

We've got a radio, you know.

Stop being casual about the suffering of others.

You think your broken fruit pies are in pain?

Not them, me.

I'm going to have to reduce them if they don't keep quiet.

Listen, listen to that, listen.

[ RATTLING ]

That's them saying, "Don't buy me, I've been trodden on!"

You dropped 'em.

Yes, I know but it was a moment of surprise.

Mrs Hargreaves made an indecent suggestion.

Give over. She's not the type.

No, I know, but that's what surprised me.

You could've heard a pin drop, never mind a box of fruit pies.

What did she say?

Don't ask, you know that I always try to keep you away from things that inflame your senses.

Oh, you on about her at number 23 again?

No, no, no, number 24.

No, it's 23.

Oh, heck.

No wonder Gastric got a bad reception.

I sent him to number 24 to widen his experience.

You didn't?!

Well, he needs that sort of training if he's going to get anywhere with Madge.

I don't even think he likes Madge.

It's you who keeps telling him he likes Madge.

Well, he's going to have to learn to like Madge, isn't he?

I'm never going to get anywhere with Mavis while Madge is behaving like a guard dog.

So, you sent him for training purposes, but to the wrong house?

Mm.

Who lives at number 24, then?

Well, according to Gastric, h*tler is alive and well.

He's wearing rubber gloves, a sour expression and no make-up.

Has he kept the tash?

Well. Gastric says yes, but it's smaller.

Oh.

Right, come on, off there.

Now... resuscitating injured bacon.

This takes skill.

Off there. Now.

Watch and learn. Watch and learn.

The meh-meh-meh-master taught me this.

Now. What you do is... you take your bacon... and then...

You press too hard and you're in trouble.

Ta-dah!

Oh!

I see what you mean.

Yes!

There you are, see. Fully revived.

Oh, heck.

Did the meh-meh-master teach you that?

You're going to have to eat that one that ended up on your face.

I knew it.

That's all right, it's still within its sell by date, isn't it?

Now it's been revived, you know, you'll never know the difference.

Now, these fruit pies, you've got to be careful when you sell these. You've got to sell them silently.

Be careful that you don't shake them when you pass them over, right?

You can't sell them in that condition.

Er, Leroy, let me give you a little vision here, right?

Customer comes in with a hearing aid.

Little window of opportunity there.

That is disgusting.

No, THAT is disgusting.

Gastric, how dare you bring an expression like that into my shop?

I saw that Madge last night. We passed on the street.

And did you seize the opportunity?

Well, I gave her a big smile, like you said.

Yes.

And she went, er,

"Urgh!"

If she's my secret admirer, why did she go, "Urgh"?

Well, "urgh" is good, you see, because women normally ignore you, but now you've got Madge going,

"Err-gh..."

No, she didn't go, "Err-gh..."

She went, "Urgh."

You've made an impact deeper than words, haven't you, eh?

You see what you're doing to her?

Ooh.

Here we are.

One pack of wet wipes, antibacterial.

Oh, dear now look at that, I've dropped 'em right on these very good value fruit pies.

Not interested.

Oh.

I bet you've had funnier interests than these though, haven't you, eh?

I expect you've probed every wound and sore place for miles around here.

Only with gloves and strictly for medicinal purposes.

Yes, well, you're like The Godmother round here, aren't you, eh?

Mm.

They all come here, don't they? Seeking your advice.

What's all this in aid of, anyway?

You've got something on your mind.

No, well, you see, I've seen you women with your heads together, talking about us men. Well, I want to know what you've learned.

What is it that a mature woman wants from a man?

An apology, usually.

Oh, you're being serious?

I can do serious.

Oh, it's about money, then?

You think that I'm a mean old scrote, don't you?

Don't be modest.

You're a world-class mean old scrote.

I knew him who's trained you.

Yeah, I know, but you were his springtime.

You must've been all woman to mesmerise old Arkwright.

Men don't want all woman - they just want the bits that first took their mind off Meccano.

But, you see, you see, that's the sort of stuff that I want to know, because I've got this acquaintance, right?

That I'm trying to, er... polish for a romantic experience.

Polish? They'd need a wire brush first round here.

No, all right, look, he's a decent sort of man, right? He's no...

I'm saying, he's no heart-throb, but he's very sweet, he's kind to his dog.

It makes me feel rotten that I have to overcharge him.

But you see? What more could a woman want?

Hm. Kind to his dog?

Yes.

Well, she'd want more than a walk twice a day and a bone, occasionally.

OK, what sort of more?

Well, a bit of personality, some conversation.

Maybe a laugh.

Oh, dear. Well, that's torn it, hasn't it?

He's got this, er, sort of dodgy stomach.

I mean, she could listen to that.

Gastric?!

Who's the lucky woman?

I'm trying to get Madge interested to sort of take her mind off me and Mavis.

Madge?!

Mm.

And Gastric?

Yes.

Ho-ho-hoo, good luck with that!

[ SHE LAUGHS ]

I'm in your debt once again, Nikki. Thanks for the lift.

No problem.

Cos if your boyfriend finds out...

He knows. We made a pact to tell each other everything.

You...? Oh. How, um... refreshing.

How rare, really. Well, stupid, really.

What are you...?

Is that your Leroy in the grip of some trollop?

Probably.

I'm surprised you allow him that latitude during business hours.

Oh, don't worry. He's in for a surprise.

I'm putting him back on the pedals.

It's amazing how long the young, these days, can go without breathing.

You'd think their lungs were designed for misbehaviour.

Oh, hello, hello, he's managed to extract himself.

He's a little flushed.

And she looks ready for single parenthood.

Will that be all, Mrs Featherstone?

Well, one would hope so in broad daylight.

Is it in his DNA, Granville?

And are you both wired for excess?

Excess is beyond the reach of the small shopkeeper, Mrs Featherstone.

I mean, all we can aspire to is avarice.

Oh, I like avarice in a man.

You see, there's all this fuss about orgasm... but watching your money grow is all the excitement a body really needs.

Ah!

Good morning, Mrs Featherstone.

Well, it has been for you.

You've missed a bit.

Have you no fear of the perils of exchanging saliva?

She's right.

She kissed you at Christmas.

No.

That was more like a bite.

She came out of the darkness.

They do. They take you by surprise.

That was Nikki. She gave me a lift.

I'm sure it would've given me a lift, if I were your age.

Now, look here, these deliveries have got to be made in a professional, proper, business-like manner, and I have the solution.

So you will follow me.

Put these on first, please.

Oh.

Right, come along.

Right, come on, follow me.

Oh, that's right. Stop there.

That's it. Remove your glasses.

Your chariot awaits!

That thing?!

Who's going to be peddling that?

Guess.

You know I love you, sometimes I even like you, but you're becoming a frigid old bat.

With every intention, thank you very much, of staying that way.

But I shan't be any man's plaything.

Did you get the wallpaper paste?

Oh! You know I can't remember when you've been nagging at me.

I know, you're in the twilight zone and you think you're ready for another man.

It isn't rocket science!

You just know if you like someone.

And look where that got you last time.

Well, you did no better.

What have you got against Granville?

He's tight, he's money-mad, workaholic, crafty.

But apart from that?

Eccentric, if you want to be polite and not say barmy.

Why would you think that?

[ BIKE BELL RINGS ]

It's embarrassing, everybody's looking and laughing.

Yeah, I told you - centre of attention, great advertising.

Yeah, advertising me looking like a muffin!

Only because your face says that you're not enjoying it!

You looked like a nudist who'd sat on a thistle.

I'm not enjoying it.

Does he get his meals still or do you put him a nosebag on?

[ HE EXCLAIMS IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGE ]

Come on in, Cyril, don't stand there giggling away in two languages.

What you going to do with it?

Well, if you must know, it is our personalised delivery vehicle.

Our? Plural?

I don't see anybody else doing the pedalling.

Well, don't worry, you'll soon have muscles the envy of your friends.

I shan't have any friends - they'll have all d*ed laughing.

Well, what can we do for you, eh, Cyril?

Nothing, I just came in for a laugh, really!

Oh, did you, eh? That'll be £4.50.

What, for a laugh?

Where's your smile gone now, eh?

No, no, just a minute, just a minute.

You know, when you came in just then, I was thinking, "I bet Cyril has come in for one of these must-have accessories."

A hairnet?

What am I to do with a hairnet?

Oh, right, sorry. Oh, my wrong! I thought, you know, being a body-builder, you'd heard about it, but obviously I'm wrong.

I thought you'd heard the buzz that's going round in all of those keep-fit circles.

I'm not in any circle, I don't belong to any club.

I do a few press-ups at home... and stuff.

Oh, well, don't worry.

I mean, er, if you don't want to bother with it, it's not my loss.

Heard about what?

The hairnet workout.

The hairnet workout?

Mm.

For men?

Oh, yes, for men. Unisex.

Though why anybody should want to do it on a one-wheeled bicycle, I have no idea.

I can't see it, meself.

President Putin is never without one.

I've never seen him wear a hairnet!

Well, no, of course you haven't, because it gets airbrushed out, you know, in all the official photographs.

Anyway, never mind.

Look, if you don't want your face to look like it is now in 20 years' time, well, just don't bother, OK?

Wait a minute, hold the phone.

Mm.

Tell me how something that you wear on your hair can make a difference to your face.

Well, you see, there it is - you don't wear it on your hair, do ya, eh?

Allow me to demonstrate. Look, come over here.

Now, you see this loaf of bread here, right? Now...

There, see... Now... here is your face.

Right? Now...

I'll show you, what happens is this.

What you do is you get this hairnet and it goes over your face like that.

Right, there it is, see?

What it does, it pulls all of your face muscles tight like that and it acts like a face-lift. Over time.

Right, now, just look at that, look. You see that loaf there?

You look how it is, it's all loose, isn't it, and everything.

But look at the bread inside the hairnet.

It's George Clooney's secret.

You didn't hear that from me, all right?

OK, if it's so good, how come I don't see people wearing nets on their faces?

Because they only wear them at bedtime but, if you want to get the full benefit, you wear it in the street as well, bed and street.

I'm going to look like a right willy wearing that on the street!

No, you won't, because you'll say it's a mosquito net.

Suddenly, you're Crocodile Dundee!

A rickshaw?

Well, I never suspected him of Oriental tendencies.

I can't think his uncle ever went near a noodle.

They buy daft things on the internet.

Mrs Edwards' husband recently surprised her with a reconditioned catering-size potato chipper.

They can't resist something to play with.

True. And if you dampen that down, it tends to depress their initiative right across the board.

They'll follow you anywhere if they think there's playtime at the end of it.

Oh, you can wean them off pleasure... if you keep your bathrooms and bedrooms well below body temperature.

They're very little trouble under 18 degrees.

Right, open up.

Oh, hello!

Oh-ho!

It's a change to see you, Mr Marshall, stationary.

Oh, it's coming on, I'm getting him trained. Watch.

Sit, sit, sit.

He was doing it yesterday!

Lost his memory, probably.

I told you, you should've seen him yesterday, he was doing...

[ DOG BARKS AGGRESSIVELY ]

Ohh...!

[ CLATTERING ]

[ BARKING ]

I wouldn't mind, but he never says goodbye.

I see no reason to report this to your boyfriend.

That depends.

On what?

On who she is that's doing the pedalling.

I was wondering the same, how I could possibly get mixed up with YOU.

I wish you'd ask me to pedal.

Mm. And I wish that wasn't your boyfriend following us in that 4x4.

[ SHE SIGHS ]

This Gastric-Madge thing... He ought to have had something easier to work on at first than our Madge.

I know, but one of these days, those two names are going to belong together like Burton and Taylor.

How about Roobarb and Custard?

She thinks he's a loser.

Oh, I know, she's right.

I mean, he is a sweetheart, you know, but, er, she could do worse.

She did do worse - that's why she's so against men!

Well, she has no right to be against men where you're concerned.

Can I put you in for one of my guided tours?

Where would we be going?

Well, we start off in your bedroom... and then, you know, it gets vague after that.

Madge says men are attracted by only one thing.

Oh, that's not true!

I'm after your weekly order as well.

It's a deal.

Is it just the weekly order, mm?

You know what I'm like when it comes to decisions.

Hm!

Yes, I know, but, um, you are getting better.

I believe I am.

She wasn't in the...

Out!

Now look what you've done. He'll think we were up to no good.

Huh, we never seem to get past "No"!

Anyway, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, I'm not sure. Madge is papering her bedroom.

Really?

Mm-hm.

We'll be needing the extending ladders tonight.

What for?

Romantic purposes.

I want to get Gastric up at Madge's window.

She's papering her bedroom.

Probably more fun than finding Gastric at your window!

Wrong! The new and improved Gastric.

He won't have the nerve.

He will.

Because he'll have us there to back him up.

What can we do?

WE can feed him his chat-up lines.

Ohhh!

[ GRANVILLE CHUCKLES ]

Leroy?

Leroy!

What was all that about?

What was all what about?

Who are you hiding from?

What makes you think that I'm hiding?

Oh... Ha-ha-ha!

A new face.

Good day to you, sir, and welcome to Arkwright's.

Is he in?

Who, Arkwright? No, but he's got a very solid excuse.

Your lad, is he in?

Could I take a message... or would you prefer to buy something first? Hm?

You can tell him to stay away from my bird.

Yeah, do you know which bird that is? Because there is a lot of birds that he's not staying away from, but if you could narrow it down...?

Her name's Nikki.

Oh, OK. And you, you can feel her slipping away, can you?

Well, maybe if you bought her something nice... Hm?

Tell 'im I'll k*ll 'im.

Well, that would be cheaper, yes.

But does it say "I love you" like... a pack of six fruit pies?

Gastric, this ladder is your pathway to the end of loneliness.

I've got me dog.

Yes, I know you've got your dog and you love your dog, but listen to my vision.

Madge... in a fur coat.

Think of all the intruders you'll keep away.

Well, what am I going to say to this woman?

Well, you just tell her that you love her.

I don't know that I love her!

Well, of course you love her, otherwise, why have you bought her flowers?

[ HE SCOFFS ]

What flowers?

[ HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS ]

These flowers.

[ CAR TYRES SCREECH ]

[ HORN BEEPS ]

Just... Just go!

This way!

Right, right.

That's it. Oh!

No, wait a minute, this is Mrs Middleton's!

Dear Lord, I nearly made love to Mrs Middleton!

Come on, she's down there. Up you go.

Careful, careful... Right.

Ooh, oh...

Shh!

Oh, whoa!

Right...

Agh, agh!

MUFFLED: Oh, oh!

Agh! Ohh! Oh!

Up you go.

[ RADIO FEEDBACK ]

Testing, testing.

It startles a person, a sudden voice in your ear!

Will you mind those flowers?! Don't bruise them!

If you do, you'll have to end up with six fruit pies!

Now get up there and do your stuff.

Oh!

Keep going, you're nearly there.

She's not in.

Stay there, of course she's in.

I don't feel safe, it's high up here!

Well, tie yourself off. Put your braces over t'top of ladder.

What do I tell her?

"These are for you, I find you very attractive."

"These are for you, I find you very attractive."

Oh, and be proud about it.

Don't look like you've swallowed a lemon.

"Be proud about it. Stop looking as if you've swallowed a lemon."

These are for you, I find you very attractive.

Be proud about it - stop looking like you've swallowed a lemon.

This is for you, you great lummox!

Agh, agh!

Ooh!

[ ELASTIC SQUEAKS ]

'That Gastric's not good on the phone.

'Maybe we should've practised first on Mrs Middleton.

'Hmph!

'You'd think Leroy would know how to handle a few jealous boyfriends.

'His mother always did.'

Agh! Oh!

I'm not robbing anything.

It's the hairnet workout, you can ask him in t'shop!

'I hope he gets bail.

'Oh, Lord, just remember I'm trying to help these people.

'Even though Gastric still owes me for them flowers.'