01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

He keeps you out all weathers while he's snug indoors.

I'm not saying that he wouldn't but today he's not here.

You removed him from the shop without an anaesthetic?

I don't believe it.

He's gone to pick up some stuff that we bought.

Oh, left you in charge?

I've got help!

Does he know quite how much help you've got?

Er, broadly speaking, no, but he took Mavis along for the ride.

Ah, it all becomes clear.

Right, take that.

Oh, blimey, there's more stuff in here than I thought.

Right.

"Come with me for a run," he says, I've not seen him since we loaded up.

Oh, you can't satisfy people, can you?

There you go.

I shall bear the imprints of these boxes.

I'm going to be marked for life, "This end up."

I have never been in any doubt which end is up.

I think that's sweet.

Is this how he treats you?

He shared his sandwiches.

They were yesterday's.

From yesterday with love.

You see? Sweet.

(he yawns)

Oh, jeez!

You see? You can move, can't you, when you're stimulated.

You could give a person a heart att*ck.

Give?

Oh, no, I wouldn't give.

I'd sell a person a heart att*ck - nothing drastic, just enough to keep them coming back for our herbal remedies.

Is there any remedy for a heart att*ck?

There must be something in all this stuff we bought.

You know, a herbalist's entire stock.

We'll be able to cover everything from here to haemorrhoids.

We just bought?

Mm-hm.

You're the one who said, "Oh, look at this, there's a bargain!"

Don't worry, I'll shift it.

Well, this lot isn't moving very fast.

I know, it's a bit like you, isn't it?

Anyway, I've got to work out some sort of marketing plan.

I'm going to need a gimmick.

Mm. Good morning, Gastric.

What have you got for a lonely man in his search for breakfast?

Any three of these herbal remedies.

Oh, just give me some bacon and half a dozen eggs.

No, Gastric, you're going to have to widen your culinary experience.

Not with herbal remedies.

Oh, we got some wonderful stuff here, now look.

This stuff is not only delicious on toast but it promotes hair growth.

Hair?

Mm.

Just what you want on your toast.

I thought it tasted funny.

Listen, I've already tried it, it won't hurt you.

You said it was a new marmalade.

No, I didn't. I said it was a new herbal aid.

Me granny made great marmalade. I've still got her wedding dress.

What? She made marmalade in her wedding dress?

No, I'm saying I've still got her wedding dress. It's very old.

It were her grandmother's wedding dress.

Oh, yeah, I've got her granny's old frocks, must be worth a bob or two now.

Well, you know, why don't you bring them in and we can see what they're worth.

I shall need a good price.

Oh, Gastric, please. This is a temple of fair trading.

Not yet.

(he blows bosun's whistle)

It's me again.

I didn't send for a lifeboat.

Have you ever thought of an alternative to bothering me?

Like going down with all hands.

This time, with an absolutely unmissable, this week only, pre-launch, new product, and for this sensational offer, I thought of you first.

Now, before you decide no...

Too late.

.. I'd like you to take notice of the cunning packaging.

What do you say? The product's no good but taste the packaging?

Be honest, give me your first impression.

Too expensive.

Look at this image.

A man, alone, against the elements.

What does that say to you?

It says, "Why is that bloke standing there when his boat is sinking?"

Now, here's the clever thing. This is a new product, but it looks old and trustworthy.

A bit like you really, except for the trustworthy bit.

It looks like a trusted home remedy your granny's granny used to swear by.

The Skipper's Friend, a soothing linctus for coughs and sore throats.

No chemicals, nature's own remedy.

And here's the bonus, it cleans your brass and silver.

Cor, I thought we'd done that.

Why don't you call me?

Jealous boyfriend. Big jealous boyfriend.

I could give him up.

But then we wouldn't have his car.

Do we need his car?

How are you with the shop bike?

I hate you.

Oh, same time tomorrow?

He's losing it.

I got these off him for a steal.

I do believe your cargo's shifting.

They're untouched by civilisation round here.

We need a gimmick.

Skipper's Friend have got their Victorian sailor.

It says "old-fashioned but trustworthy."

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, well, don't ask me.

I'm not parading around in oil skins and sea boots.

No, no, no. That's their gimmick. We need our own, don't we?

It's not just me forecasting rain, then?

Have you seen Captain Ahab in his foul-weather gear?

What have you got for a mid-life depression?

You do sound a bit husky, Eric.

Yes, I've got just the thing for irritating throats.

I haven't got an irritating throat.

What I've got is an irritating wife, and guess who she's irritated at?

What have you done now?

Nothing. I think just being me is enough.

Just a moment, let me have a little check here.

No, it's all right, I'm a herbalist, all right?

Mm-hm.

Yes, you've got a bad throat on the way.

I'm perfectly fit.

Undervalued but fit.

That's exactly what poor old Mrs Mottershaw said when she was standing right there on the same spot where you are, right?

You remember, Leroy? Don't you?

And she ended up the next day in hospital.

Because she were having a baby.

You see what I mean?

You can't take chances, can you?

No, look, enough of sore throats! What have you got for soothing wives?

How is she sleeping?

Alone mostly.

All right, has she got any hair loss, skin blemishes, aching joints, burns or feelings of discomfort?

I can't get close enough to check.

Have you tried showing her who's boss? Mm?

He's still very young.

Yes, aye.

I'll take some of them chocolates for her.

Oh, very good choice, that'll go well with the tonic.

Tonic?

Yes.

She's fitter than me.

Cripes, if she gets any healthier, I'm snookered.

I can't tackle her, physically.

I'm down to low cunning, hence the chocolates.

She doesn't need a pick-me-up, she needs a lie-me-down.

Old Mother Hemlock?

We've just invented her. She is our gimmick.

She's this very old shabby figure with mysterious powers.

Not available on the NHS.

Some kind of witch?

Ah, well, you see, now YOU said it, I didn't.

I prefer to think of her as... mysterious, you know?

Is she? Or isn't she?

All I know is that when she walks by, dogs cover their eyes, ducks waddle backwards, and people swear, even though they can't see it, they feel a black cat rubbing against their ankles.

You can't mess with Old Mother Hemlock.

Who's this Old Mother Hemlock?

Come in, Cyril, come on.

If you bring the head in, the rest of the body will follow.

I'm not shopping, I'm enquiring.

No, you can come in for free.

I've never managed it before.

Come in.

Ah, now, you know me, you see. I can't stop selling unless you're waving a white flag, or, as you are, looking a bit run down.

But I'm not run down.

Oh, dear, Leroy, tell him.

Don't fight it, Cyril. It's official, you're run down.

I was feeling fine, till I came in here.

Well, what you need is a tonic.

Old Mother Hemlock's personal tonic, as used by the crown heads of Europe.

King Victor Emmanuel the Tiny, he bought this by the box load.

Not only did it cure his hives but he could use it to stand on the boxes.

Are you sure you haven't heard of Old Mother Hemlock?

No, nobody else has either, I've been asking.

Of course, the wrong people.

As made by moonlight in the primeval forests, dried, crushed and rolled under the writhing bodies of naked females.

I hope even you wouldn't go for this rubbish?

I'm in two minds.

Oh, there's a novelty.

Some of these old remedies are very powerful.

Name one.

Auntie Winnie used to swear by Dr Proctor's Universal Tonic.

In vodka.

Mm.

You haven't let him talk you into...

I'm not an idiot. This is a free sample.

He's giving free samples?

He only charged for the bottle.

Sweet.

I need you to do me a favour.

You've got this extensive range of fit birds.

I wouldn't say they're mine exactly.

I need to borrow a couple.

I don't keep them in stock.

I'll return them in perfect condition.

I guarantee, no extra mileage. It's just the look of the thing.

I need the wife to see me with a couple of your more experienced old troopers.

Maybe if you started with something easier.

No, I need me image rebooting.

I came in the shop earlier, bought those chocolates for the wife.

Yeah, I remember.

Bad idea. She thinks I'm a p*ssy.

So new tactic.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

Eric, I can't interfere in your...

I'm giving you permission, all right?

Yeah, on second thoughts.

Good lad.

Now, here's what I need.

No young'uns, mature, a bit hard but attractive, from a distance, been round the clock.

What have you got?

Well, nothing on me.

For special orders, I'm going to have to have a think.

Well, do your best. Can't wait to see the wife's face.

We'll show her who's p*ssy.

No, stay there, stay there.

Oh, there you are, where've you been?

Oh, just chatting with Eric.

Who've you got back there?

It's Gastric, he's brought those old clothes that belonged to his great-granny. Oh, they are wonderful.

The mouse has been at them a bit, but, oh, you could start a museum.

Tell me we're not starting a museum.

No, no, no, of course not, no, but we've got our gimmick.

Oh, Gastric, could you come here for a minute, please?

(gastric grunts)

Can't you come here?

No, no, please, please, come here, come here.

Gastric, you look really... um.

You'd look really um dressed like this.

Right.

There she goes, Old Mother Hemlock.

How did you talk him into that?

Well, I told him I've got to see the clothes before I can make an offer.

He must be an idiot.

It's wonderful, isn't it, eh?

How there usually is one when you need one.

(engine chokes)

You'll flood it.

Oh, hark at you. Well, if you're suddenly so technical, perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with it.

I've no idea. All I know is it's customary on these occasions for somebody to say, "You'll flood it."

(engine splutters loudly)

(engine dies)

Come on, Gastric, come on. It's all right, it's all clear.

These boots are tight and squeaky.

Yeah, I know. I've got customers like that.

Now, we just want a few glamour sh*ts, right, while you're looking so delicious.

We want you to spearhead our sales campaign.

I mean, don't you want to be locally famous?

Not for being dressed like this.

Ah, I know. Right, what we do is we'll pull this veil down like this, you see, there.

Now, no-one can recognise you.

Right, we've cracked it.

There you are, Leroy, what do you think?

Would you recognise him?

Oh, recognise who?

There you are, you see.

Will you stop twitching?

It's itchy where this mouse has been.

Brr. Right, come on, then, let's get started.

Excuse me, ladies in distress.

To be honest, an internal combustion engine's a riddle to me, worse than a Rubik's Cube.

Well, you've got a car.

I've got a wife.

I don't know how she works either.

Right, give us something mystical.

Try and look as though you've got hidden depths.

Oh! I've got a hidden something.

Have you seen Gastric?

He's good with motor repairs.

Leroy, have we seen Gastric, hmm?

No, not lately, no.

I thought I saw him come in here.

Can't you find that old lady a chair?

No, that old lady is stronger than all of us, that one.

I bet she can't get holiday insurance.

No, she doesn't need holiday insurance, she's got her own secret powers.

Oh!

I think she's having a power surge.

She could be weak from neglect and poor nutrition.

How do you figure that?

Just a guess. It's the veil that worries me.

Oh, I hope she's not still in mourning for some young man who d*ed tragically early from consumption.

It's not that, I can promise you that.

Oh, don't listen to him, they promise you anything.

Leroy, please, would you take Madge outside and look at her car.

Well, is he any good?

Oh, yes, well, they're born to technology these days.

Have they gone?

No, not entirely, no.

The last time I heard that voice, it was in trousers.

Happiest days of my life when I were in trousers.

You'll never get away with it.

Look, it was only supposed to be for a picture but now everybody has seen Old Mother Hemlock in the flesh, we're just going to have to use her to shift all this stock, aren't we?

Well, I'm not doing personal appearances.

He's useless, your Leroy.

Eh, at car repairs.

Can we make it clear that useless only applies to car repairs?

Oh! Oh!

Look, why won't she show her face?

Well, it's the eyes.

Yeah, she's got to be careful because if she gazes too hard at anybody, you know, they end up paralysed.

Oh, rubbish.

If you want to see Old Mother Hemlock's powers, you let her have a peek at your car.

Oh! Ah! Oh!

Well, I don't want it going up in flames.

No, no, no, it won't do that. That's only when she's on full power and she's angry. You'll get her on economy seven.

I used to have the perfect accessory for windows.

I must get one. Was he really that good?

Only at windows. Failed miserably in most other departments.

You can't just have married him for his window skills.

No, I had this romantic vision he'd have a bit more in the building society.

You're wicked!

I know but I give good value if they're up for it.

You've no excuse for picking wrong ones.

You can't claim lack of experience.

Oh, I can still get misty eyed.

You? Misty eyed? What about?

His index linked pension?

Ah, now, it's things like that can sweep a girl off her feet.

Oh! Oh!

Will you stop jerking about?

I've got a visitor. I'm not alone in here.

No, it's the material. See, you're not familiar with the material.

I'm not familiar with something that's wandering around inside what you're wearing.

Oh, it's something women have to get used to.

What, even by invitation?

Oh, it's all right by invitation.

Oh.

Oh! It's the mouse, the mouse, it's still in there.

No, look, sh! It's very unlikely to be a mouse.

If you were a mouse, would you be in there?

Is she coming?

Yes, yes, she's coming.

Well, I can't wait all day. Look, Mavis, go and see if Gastric's come home yet.

No, no, wait. No, she's coming, she's coming, it's just the, it's...

Oh, yes, it's clearing.

Right, she's ready, she's ready.

Come along, she's now ready.

Yes.

Oh! Ah!

What's that Granville's got his hands on now?

Where does he find these people?

He must've dug this one up.

What does he want of an old woman with squeaky boots?

Oh, if only he'd told me he liked squeaky boots.

Look, stand back, please, everybody stand back.

There's power here that can interfere with mobile phones.

Put your hands on the car and make out you're communing with it.

Will you stop twitching?

Get Leroy behind the wheel. Tell him to try to start it.

Leroy! Get behind the wheel and try and start it.

Now make a gesture.

What sort of gesture?

Stand back, look up as though you're seeking inspiration.

What's she looking up for?

Probably expecting rain.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(engine starts)

Wonderful.

How did you do that?

She probably just flooded it.

No, it were magic, it were Old Mother Hemlock's magic!

Just get me inside quick.

Yes. OK, come along.

Does she do lawn mowers?

All right, all right, where did you last feel it?

Here, down here somewhere.

Right, OK, I'll see if I can get it.

Oh! Oh!

Hold on. There, is that it?

Watch what you're doing down there.

This is no place for a grocer.

No, I shall have to go underground.

It's not here, is it?

No, no.

Hello, I think I got it.

No! No! That's me!

Wait a minute!

Sorry.

Cyril! Cyril! Come back, no, don't go away.

It's all right, come in, you're amongst friends.

Really good friends by the looks of it.

Yes, come on. Have you come in for a consultation? Ah, yes.

That was some consultation you were just getting then.

She can do the same for you, at a price.

I don't normally go much for this psychic stuff.

Well, I don't know how powerful she is but I caught a glimpse under that veil. She's powerfully ugly.

This has an Arkwright scheme written all over it.

Do you know anything about this?

I'm saying nothing.

She's uncanny. She knows just what remedy you need for every ailment.

What's up with her?

Oh, I expect she's been summoned by the spirits.

'I must say, Gastric can reach a rare turn of speed with a mouse up his trousers.'

Er...

Tell your Leroy, I need something more suitable for beginners.

'Poor old Eric, he looked like somebody who'd just met Leroy's mother.'

(squeaking)

Squeaky boots, Mrs Featherstone?

That is not a squeak, Granville. That is opportunity calling.

Oh.

Oh, you could feel three husbands' worth of pressure behind that.

Oh, oh.